In this panel discussion, moderator Nick Stumbo and counselor Brent walk listeners through concrete strategies for recognizing personal relapse hotspots and establishing robust guardrails. They introduce the adapted "3‑Circles" model (inner relapse circle, middle "guardrail" circle, outer self‑care circle) and expand the classic HALT acronym to HALT BS (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored, sick). Brent outlines a six‑step escape‑plan that stretches a typical 28‑minute craving to about an hour, detailing actions for each time window—from immediate self‑talk or scripture, through deep‑breathing meditation, contacting an accountability partner, changing environment, and finally invoking a "nuclear option" (calling a group leader, pastor, or spouse). Nick emphasizes the principle that reaching out early is never a regret and that delayed help often fails because the pre‑frontal cortex shuts down as the limbic system dominates. The conversation also highlights the collective responsibility of recovery groups: members should monitor each other's patterns, ask probing questions, and intervene before a slide becomes a relapse. Overall, the talk provides a step‑by‑step framework for anticipating triggers, installing preventive rituals, and fostering a supportive community that catches early warning signs.
Chapters
So Brent, if this is new for us, what are some practical ways that we can identify our personal hotspots or danger zones, and how can we build guardrails that leave no room for compromise or secrecy?
Yeah, there's a few tools that I use within the counseling setting with clients. Some of them are familiar to the groups, some— one of them is individual to what I use. Richard mentioned the 3 circles previously. That's out of the 12-step AA literature. So we've kind of adapted that into what we do. And just to review for the audience, the inner circle is that relapse circle, that place you promised not to return. The middle circle, we call that the distracted/triggered circle. Okay, this is, this is where really the boundaries or guardrails are set in that middle circle. That gets into some of those rituals we talked about just a minute ago. And the outer circle is a self-care circle. And that's really the key portion to recovery is living in that outer circle, living your best life, your optimum self. And so, you know, with that, as we look at that middle circle, we've probably heard the acronym HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I added a BS onto that as in bored and sick. So, HALT BS. Okay?
I like it.
And, there's usually 1 to 2 of those that are your go-to. For many guys is that bored and lonely. Those are the 2 big ones. So, anticipating situations like when I'm traveling or when my wife is away during the day or when I'm alone at night where I'm going to be bored or lonely, That will help set those guardrails, right? So if we don't, you know, Ben Franklin had the quote that if we fail to plan, then plan to fail, right?
Yeah.
So I think a lot of recovery is anticipating those moments where I could be weak or susceptible and having guardrails put up in those. We talked a little bit about the edging behaviors before. That kind of goes into that rituals of just getting up to that edge, maybe, you know, not fully jumping into pornography or masturbation, But, you know, I am just, you know, I am looking on social media. I am looking at non-sexualized images on Google. I am still getting that dopamine hit that you are talking about, Nick, that can really lead us into further behaviors. And then that flee that you talked about, that Joseph flee method, you know, just get up off the couch, get out of the shower, get out of bed if you are feeling tempted. I incorporate an escape plan, which is different than what we use in groups. But it's a 6-step process and it just steps you through. So the average craving lasts 28 minutes, okay? And this is designed to go for about an hour. So if you step through each of these steps, you know, by the time you get down to step 5 and you're actively trying to defeat it, then generally you're gonna break through and not succumb to that temptation. So step 1 is, what are you gonna do with that first 30 seconds? Okay, so this could be some self-talk. This could be like reciting a scripture, short prayer, that kind of thing. Step 2, 1 to 2 minutes, what do you do? So something a little bit longer. I love deep breathing meditation. So deep breathing oxygenates your prefrontal cortex. We talked a little bit about the limbic brain, right, that emotional side of the brain that gets hijacked and drives us toward those self-coping behaviors. Prefrontal cortex, seat of impulse control, emotional regulation. So if we're feeling activated, that deep breathing, breathing in 4 seconds, hold, slowly releasing, can oxygenate that and help us defeat it. So that's a great tool. You can put some meditation in with that, 3 to 5 minutes. That's maybe reaching out to an accountability partner, sending a flare-up with a text. Say, I'm struggling, can you pray for me? Okay, so you're now— you're getting out in honesty and admitting that, hey, something's going on that I can't handle. Step 4, 10 to 15 minutes. Maybe that's making that accountability call to someone. Hey, can I talk to you? Anyone available. Step 5, 50 to 60 minutes, change of environment. Okay, go for a walk, get some exercise, go take an early lunch if you're at work, just get out of that environment. And then step 6 is the nuclear option. Okay, so this may be my last resort. I'm calling my group leader, I'm calling my pastor, maybe I call my wife, say, hey, I'm about to relapse. This is that last grasp at trying to defeat the the temptation so I don't fall into relapse. So those are just a few tools that I use that may be helpful at these early stages.
Yeah, and I would just add to that, Brent, as I've walked through some of those escape plan techniques, and really appreciate that, by the way, a principle that I've learned and tried to help so many men and women within recovery is to say you will never regret making a phone call or reaching out too early.
Yeah.
You'll never regret that. You're like, I'm not that tempted. I don't really need any help. And you put it off and put it off. 'Cause the reality that we see is when that snowball gets rolling in your thinking and it gets further and further down the hill, to reach out actually gets harder and harder. The further you get kind of into your pattern, your, as you mentioned, Brent, your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your brain is starting to shut down and you're just going limbic into that pleasure center and the reward center and remembering your past acting out. It's really challenging to make a phone call at that point. I'm not saying you shouldn't; that's not an excuse. But I know my own history, and and so many guys that I've been in group with that would say the same thing of the further down I go towards relapse, the harder it is or more challenging it is to reach out to someone. And so I think that's one of the learned responses of an escape plan is just man, if I'm feeling triggered a little bit, I realize I'm a little bit vulnerable. I've got to have people in my life that I can call right away, that I can just send a text and say, "Hey, I'm I'm feeling a little something." You know, and dealing with it at that lowest possible denominator and not waiting. And so if you can get that mindset of saying, I need to reach out and just connect with someone as soon as I'm feeling triggered and not think I can get right up to that edge and be flirting with relapse and be dwelling there for, you know, minutes or hours and think I'll be okay and I'll make a phone call when I really need it, because likely you won't really make the call until you have gone over the edge.
Mm-hmm.
So I think having that mindset of the sooner I reach out to someone, the better, that will put us in a good path.
Yeah, that— it's funny because most guys will be like, well, it's really not that bad, you know? But if you talk to their wife, maybe it's like, well, it's a little bit worse than you think, right? So it's encouraging those guys, like you said, Nick, the earlier the better. Because if they're doing it earlier and the guys in group were all paying attention and they're faster scale, we can actually maybe help prevent a relapse months in advance if they're doing really, really well and all of a sudden they start kind of sliding a little bit. And if they're not reaching out and then we're not doing our job as, as group members or leaders and, and asking questions and knowing, like Brent's like, hey Brent, I've noticed In the last few weeks, you've kind of slid down a little bit. How are things going? So it kind of falls on the group because it's not just the leaders group; it's everybody, everybody in that group. It's our group.
Yeah.
And to take some ownership in how we care for each other and listen to people because it could be something really, really small, but it's really got some deep layers that they don't understand or they're not seeing. But the other guys in group can see that. And so, hey, we can actually. Ask those questions to help prevent a relapse.
