This is a transcript of a YouTube interview (Dr. Tim Clinton with Heather Esposito) about how betrayed partners can set boundaries after discovering a spouse's pornography use. It emphasizes that boundaries are for the betrayed partner's safety (not punishment), gives concrete examples (phone restrictions, no phones in bathrooms/bedrooms, temporary sleeping apart, refusing physical touch or sex during early recovery), and highlights that strugglers may need to sacrifice freedoms (smartphone, gym/dining habits, unsupervised contact with others) to rebuild trust. The discussion notes distinct circumstances matter (first discovery vs. ongoing pattern), recommends short-term, reassessable timelines, and addresses Christian-specific guilt about setting boundaries.
Going into the, the second step, Heather, one of the things we talked about was the need for boundaries. So how can a betrayed partner establish boundaries for themselves without it appearing as punishment for the struggler?
Yeah, and this I think is something that the concept of boundaries people struggle with, I think in general. And really just recognizing that any boundaries that I put in place, those are for me, they're not for the other person, so I feel safe. They're for me, so I feel safe. And, and even that list, your, your list of boundaries, depending on your situation, could look totally different. But a few examples would be if you caught your spouse looking at porn on their cell phone, that a boundary could be that I need to feel safe with you. And I would ask myself, my spouse, to either not have a smartphone, get a phone that doesn't have Internet access, or I would ask them to not bring their cell phone into the bathroom or into their bedroom at nighttime, anything like that, depending on the offense. I think another boundary would be for a lot of women would be for that. If I catch you looking at porn, then I need space and I need physical space from you. And so I'm going to ask my spouse to not sleep in our bed for however many days or I'm going to ask them to go and stay with a relative or I'm going to even to the point where I know for some women, and I'm saying women because that's mostly what I hear in group and when I talk with women, but sometimes part of their establishing boundaries would be that I don't want somebody to. Who just hurt me to feel like they have access to my physical body in any way. So I don't want them, my spouse, to even ask me for a hug or ask me to kiss them or ask me, you know, if they anything, don't touch me. You know what I mean? And so it is having those kind of boundaries because you need to be to a place where you can feel safe in your home again, which is one of the things that we hear a lot is that now this place, that my whole entire world exists in this safe place. And now this place is not safe for me anymore. And so what does that look like to you? For you to re. Establish safety in your own home is going to be part of the way that you're going to establish boundaries, if that makes sense.
Yeah. And I really appreciated in the book Worthy of Her Trust by Jason Martinkus that, you know, he talks about being willing to sacrifice your freedoms and when addicts are still in there Like, I've been caught. Let me do. Let me pull every strategy to, like, minimize this situation. They haven't maybe learned to be honest or maybe I know for my husband that the childhood experience of having consequences that really were way above and beyond what was appropriate, you know, caused him this belief that it's better to not deal with the consequences and be honest. It's better to just try to get away with that. And so just relearning that your freedoms, your. Your liberties that you have of maybe going to the gym or having a smartphone or you used to go to dinners or lunches with female co workers, those are some things that you've used and there's been harm caused. So be willing to give those things up. Be willing to say, I'm willing to sacrifice these different areas of what I consider a freedom to, to show you that you can be safe, to show that I'm working on this. Because we hear too much that boundaries end up feeling like to the addict, like, they're in prison or you're acting like my parent or I need to do this recovery for myself, and it needs to be, you know, for me and not you. I need to do it internally. And just all these excuses to not honor their spouse's boundaries. And. And so just being able to stick to your guns and say, this is what I need. And hopefully the addicts or the strugglers listening, you know, realize that this is a way that you can show love and show care and show that the marriage is more important than any of these other little things, but not to be manipulated by those kinds of responses because it. It can feel very unnatural, especially Christian women. I. I cannot begin to express how many times Christian women have told me they don't feel like it's Christian to put these kinds of boundaries in because of the, the messages they've been told of, okay, we'll forgive him before you go to bed. And don't take sex off the table for anything except for prayer. And, you know, these different things they're coming to group with, they. They feel guilty. And so even putting boundaries in and very, very uncomfortable for them and can feel sinful to them in some ways.
Well, and what you said, Heather, I think is important that every couple is different. The circumstances make a big difference. If this is a discovery for the first time or if this is an ongoing pattern, what was discovered, what was the degree of behavior that we're now aware is happening. So I don't think anyone should feel like, well, there's one way you have to do it, but to be aware that need for safety. And that's what you emphasize so well, Heather, is so crucial. It's not about me changing you or telling you what to do. It's me stating what do I need to have in order to feel safe here. And what I would also emphasize is this doesn't have to be your now and forever plan. Remember, we're talking in this series specifically about Discovery has just happened. You're maybe within a few days or the week of knowing this is going on maybe for the first time. And so it's asking the question for right now, what do I need? So what do I need to have confidence that you're not still looking at porn? Maybe it's having your phone out in a public place. Maybe it's that I have your phone for a while so that you're not tempted to it. Maybe it's that we change some passwords. What do I need to have the freedom to move towards you when I'm ready? And so I think what you said, a physical touch, being able to say I'm not safe or comfortable having sex with someone who's viewing pornography. And so for this time period, that's off the table. And we have a number of other podcast episodes about sex and recovery and having periods of abstinence for the purpose of recovery and healing. So that when there's sexual connection and physical intimacy, it truly is about the couple and not that fear of what else are they thinking about, what images are on their mind. And if we realize that's the reality I'm in right now, I don't think I can be physically intimate with you without that fear that you're not actually present. It's appropriate to say we're not going to be doing that right now. And those are, again, as you emphasize so well, Heather, the boundaries for you, the boundaries that you need to feel safe and to create, you know, our desire, pure desire, is that the relationship and the marriage survives. So it's what creates the space for relationship growth and trust to be rebuilt. And then as appropriate, you know, you get even a week into that, you might start to see, okay, here's some ways we're learning. We can navigate this better. Or it might be a month, it might be several months, but every timeline will be different. But it's asking that question right now, like today, this week, what do I need to have some confidence that. That I can move forward with you and that you're telling me the truth.
