How To Face Denial In Your Marriage

How does stepping out of denial align with God's call for all of us to walk in the light? And what does that look like practically in a marriage that's now facing betrayal from pornography use or other compulsive sexual behavior? How do we, how do we stop denial individually and within our marriage?

Yeah, thank you, Nick. I will say one thing about denial. It's a familiar companion to those who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior. Very familiar. It's about hiding, about deception and protection to some degree. It doesn't mean it's healthy, but it's familiar. But somewhere in the person's journey, denial has felt less threatening than facing reality.

Hmm.

But we know that's a lie. Feels true, but it's a lie. And denial, it's a refusal to accept reality. Let's turn toward reality. Practically speaking, stepping out of denial requires courage. It's a new path, it's a new direction. Also a willingness to take a risk, to be known. Breaking through denial. Learning to practice new behaviors. This is new territory, and it's scary. To be known is intimidating, especially those areas where we have operated in the shadow. Yeah, that's intimidating. And it's radical honesty at all costs. That's what's required. Step in the light. And we're called to walk in the light. And the shadow behavior is around denial.

Yeah, Tyler, you— I think you hit it, hit the head on the— or the nail on the head. Um, denial is that safe place for a lot of us, was for me. And then when you finally are faced with your addiction, whatever it is that you're dealing or you're hiding or you're, you're breaking— you're seeking isolation from, I mean, whatever that is, once it comes out there is that risk. It's like, okay, am I gonna risk it all just to be— I like what you said, fully known. And just like, the best thing that ever happened to me was becoming fully known and being forced to deal with my own issues. And it was at that point where it's like, I don't have to live in secret, I don't have to live in denial anymore. And it was such a freeing feeling in that moment. It's like, I've been living that way for over 20 years. And then all of a sudden, like that, being confronted, it was gone. It was just, okay, now I can start the healing process. Not easy, difficult.

Yeah, yeah, is— it is very hard but can be very freeing.

Yeah.

Uh, I know that as we started our recovery journey now 16 years ago, it was really helpful for me to learn about the concept of cognitive dissonance, and that is where our brain chooses to believe one thing even while it contradicts the way that we're behaving. And so I, I think in my faith, if I were to deny, stop denying that I had a problem, be willing to accept that I was addicted to pornography, that was like believing I was a bad Christian, that my faith was weak, that I didn't know how to do life without this, you know, horrible sin in my life. And so to not have to accept that, I would deny that the behavior was a problem, deny that it was that big of a deal. And really kind of lie to myself. But that cognitive dissonance, our brain doesn't know what to do with it. And so our brain is actually like helping us choose that because it wants to feel safe. It wants to feel like my life is in alignment with my beliefs. And if I can deny that it's really a problem, then I don't have to deal with it. Because as soon as I acknowledge this is a problem, I've become addicted, I need help, then I would need to actually do something about it. But, but putting it in that category, like, oh, it's not a big deal, it's not a big problem, I don't need help. Perpetuated the behavior. And so when it came out, to deal with that cognitive dissonance was incredibly healing and freeing. And, and I think in the marriage that meant moving from a place of my wife saying, this is a problem and it hurts me, and me saying, man, she's— she just doesn't get it, she just doesn't understand, to taking ownership myself to say, I'm the one that doesn't get it, I'm the one that has a problem, I haven't been willing to face it. And as I took ownership That was a big part of breaking out of denial because I, I just know the reality that a lot of us do start this journey because someone else is maybe insisting like, you get better or I, I'm going to get out of here. And so like, fine, I'll do it for you. But I think breaking denial is coming to that point of recognizing I've got some stuff I need to deal with and I'm not doing it for her. I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it because I don't want this in my life anymore. And again, like you said, Rich, that ownership can be really hard, but it's also what leads us to that path of freedom.