In this panel discussion, the speakers address couples who feel stuck sexually, offering a roadmap to restore intimacy. They stress the importance of creating a pressure‑free, safe environment where both partners feel vulnerable but protected. Non‑sexual physical touch (holding, snuggling, massage) is presented as a foundational practice that can be cultivated before re‑introducing sex, allowing the higher‑desire partner to channel their energy into other forms of connection. The conversation normalizes differing levels of sexual desire, likening them to varying food preferences, and suggests reframing a partner’s “no” with empathy and alternative ways to connect. A key theme is the divergent healing timelines of trauma and addiction: the partner who has moved past addictive behaviors may experience rapid excitement, while the betrayed or trauma‑carrying spouse heals more slowly. The panel advises each spouse to move toward the other’s needs—one by supporting the other’s pain work, the other by offering incremental physical closeness—while respecting boundaries and maintaining patience. The overall message is that mutual, compassionate effort, grounded in safety and non‑sexual touch, can gradually un‑stick a marriage’s sexual life.
Chapters
And I'm just thinking about the spouse that may be wanting more physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, but it's not happening. So what encouragement would you guys give to that person to create the environment or the relational, like, set them up for, for this physical part of things to be included or initiated or that they occur.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm noticing a theme in my mind as you're asking all these questions, and I think that's a reminder how important it is. But the safety that's pressure-free goes a long way in this space. And I think we got to be careful of, obviously, as I say that, right, it's not used manipulatively, right? Of like, well, you provided safety, so that's it. That's not safety. But pressure, you know, pressure-free, being able to say this, like, hey, let's just, let's have more conversation about this without any expectation, um, is such a helpful piece of, you know, being able to, to grow in this. We need a lot of safety around this topic because it's scary. It's scary for everybody involved in their own ways, whether we can admit it or not. It's very vulnerable. And so I think that that's a big piece, really. Some major focus on non-sexual physical touch is so key. And, you know, we talked to a lot of clients about just how can we work? I mean, when something— when a couple comes in to us and is like, man, we're stuck sexually, it's— as we're assessing other things, it's one of our first questions. How's non-sexual physical touch going in your relationship? Right? Is it— are we having a focus on that? And maybe we need a period of time when sex is off the table. We're going to start maybe building the foundation through non-sexual physical touch. So I think that's a big piece. And I think just a reminder for maybe the higher desire partner out there, um, who has a higher desire in the space than, than their partner, like, your desire doesn't have to be on hold, you know. It doesn't have to be like squashed in order to do this well. I think it— think about it like channeling, you know. I think desire can really be channeled to reconnection in other ways and learning to find satisfaction and enjoyment of, you know, holding each other or, you know, snuggles or non-sexual physical touch. That provides something, and it doesn't have to be this like, you know, getting nothing unless I'm getting sex. That can be rechanneled and relearned in other ways too. So those are a couple things that come to mind for me.
I think that we just have to normalize in every relationship, even where there's not been unwanted sexual behaviors or her is the fact that there is likely always going to be a marriage where there's different levels of desire, in the same way that we have different preferences on what food we want to eat or when we feel hungry or not hungry. And I actually joke about this with clients a lot, like, why is it that my husband can ask me, do you want to go get Mexican, and I can be like, not really in the mood, right? And it's no problem. We just adjust and go find something else to eat. It's not like he's like, well, fine, then I'm going to go eat by myself without you, right? Like, no, we just, we don't take it as personally. But if it's like, how you feeling? And there's a response of like, yeah, I'm not really feeling it, it's not going to hit tonight for me, no thanks. That that can be such a personalized hurt and attack. And I think that that's probably a sign too of the need for deeper work for that person who feels so, um, hurt by that. I've, I've learned in my own life ways to soften that blow of no by giving a little bit more, um, you know, it's been a busy day, like more of my reasoning too, so it's just not left to no, I don't want you. But a little bit more understanding. And when there's a decline, we usually try hard to lean into like, I'm not feeling that, but how about we sit here and have some face-to-face connection? Or how would, um, like a little massage feel, right? And so what are other ways we can connect and feel love that don't have to be just about sexual intimacy. Yeah.
Absolutely.
I love that. Yeah, I think in this area, it's come up throughout the series that we're doing that in general, and not always, but there are generalities that I think we've all seen, that if both individuals are doing their work and doing it well, the struggler or addict will feel a sense of growth, freedom, excitement sooner then the betrayed spouse will feel free of the pain. And that's natural, that's normal. Like working through pain and trauma is slower than changing unwanted behaviors. And so the guy, and not always, but generally it's, you know, the guy in this case is like, "I've had 2 great months. I've never been healthier. Why are you still not interested in me?" It's like, well, because pain and trauma is a different growth curve. And I think if we're in a healthy relationship, well, if we're working towards a healthy relationship and safety is growing, that's one of the things as spouses, we're both looking at how how can I move towards the other? Not in a way that violates my boundaries or what I need, but if I'm the one who's further out ahead, it's loving to say, how do I move towards my spouse's pain? How do I be aware of their needs to, to, to embrace their trauma and be present with them in it? That's love. And for the other spouse, as they're developing safety, they can begin asking the question, how do I move towards their desire for more physical connection Even if I'm not 100% there, maybe I'm now feeling 50% of the way and I can move in their direction. And I think if we're both open to that and we're patient with one another, we can find success. But it is when the one who's feeling more freedom and excitement, if they begin to point back at the other like, well, now you're the problem, right? Again, from some personal experience, I can testify that will only make things worse. That will only produce the opposite effect of what you're looking for.
