How To Identify A Father Wound | Pure Desire Ministries

Okay, so we've talked about this a couple times so far, even in our time today. You know, you got a lot of people, specifically even guys who will say, I don't have a father wound. I've had a great dad, he was never abusive, still married to my mom, loves Jesus, taught me what it looks like to be a follower of Christ. So if somebody says that and that's where they're feeling, how do we know there's a father wound? How do we identify if we do have one in our life?

Well, for me, let me talk about my father wound. First of all, it was subtle, but I picked it up after a while. A strong male authority figure. I'd react one of two ways. Either I'd be a rebel, very critical of them, I confront, attack them all the time, or I'd go the opposite direction and become a sycophant. I don't want anything I could do to get their attention, their information. And I got caught in a crazy cycle. And it's really crazy because if you reach out and you try to connect with a man and you're able to do that, you get real close, you'll see their what you'll see their failures and their rewards and then you'll criticize them and you get caught in a crazy cycle. But I think the best way to figure if you've got a father wound is if there's any sense of anger in your life. If you wonder if you're married, it's real simple. Ask your wife. You're ever angry, she'll tell you, she'll tell you big time. So how do you respond to a wife when you perceive his criticism? How do you respond? That'll tell you right away after the father one. Big time.

Yeah. I think of a story several years ago, about four years ago, I went hunting with my dad and a couple of his cousins at around his same age. And I was hiking the hills of Wyoming with them and just, you know, loving the beauty of it and the mountain air. But I realized there was parts of me that felt like I was a 10, 11 year old kid, that I was with these older men that had hunted way more than I had, knew way more than I did. And I. And it wasn't just knowledge stuff, it was my general emotion and feeling. And I kind of had this moment with the Lord as I was hiking by myself, right. Like I'm a 36 year old man, I've led churches and organizations, I. I've written books. And yet I feel like I'm A little kid out here, what's going on? And I think the spirit just really revealed to me how much, in my own mind, I had created some of those categories where the father wound had changed how I saw myself. And actually, you know, my dad and I had some great conversations on that trip. And it was really, I think, an emotionally maturing moment for me to walk through those things. But that would be my encouragement for someone who's saying, well, how do I know if I have a father wound? I'd really encourage you to think about how do you act and feel about yourself when you're around your father?

Yes.

Are there things you feel around him that you realize? I don't feel that. Usually when you go home to where your parents live, do you find yourself struggling with things you don't normally struggle with? Do you have, like, I did, this mindset where all of a sudden you feel 12 again? Those are some real surefire ways to realize, boy, there's something here. Because if I feel something with my dad, whether it's fear, anger, maybe even some positive things where you feel really bold and courageous, you might be recognizing, well, I've leaned on my dad for that. And when I'm away from him, I don't feel the same boldness. So just recognizing where do I find a different emotion or feeling or I'm acting differently. We have so many guys that talk about on holidays or when they're around their family of origin, it becomes a huge battle for their sexual brokenness. Or some of those old patterns come back. Well, again, that's revealing that there's issues there, there's emotions there, there's memories there that really, I think, can be very fruitful in addressing them and looking into what am I hearing, what are the messages I'm listening to that can really reveal the father wound?

I think it's important also to take that as an indication. It's really a time for you to ask your dad to affirm your manhood. In other words, what sets you up to feel like a kid again is a statement that your dad never really put openly to you say, I really see you as a man. I see you gifted in this area. I see you really released in this area. Because when you're with him, if you stated who you are in the future and who you are prophetically, that sense of loving your world won't be there. I remember when I first realized I really had a major issue with the father when I was in working on a house, fixing the plumbing. Now when I try to Fix something in our house. We have to hire someone to come and fix the fix that I fix.

Yes, I can relate.

So my wife walked in and she said, how you doing? And she was thinking, I could be with my hubby. I love to do this. She worked with her father outdoors. She loved it. That's what she was thinking. I was thinking, she doesn't think I'm.

Gonna do it right.

She says, get out of here. So I said to her, real angry, and she said, I'm getting out of here. She left the house and walked outside. And Guy said, I want you to go back in there and talk to him. She said, I'm not going back in there. He tore my head off. She said, I went back in. She. I remember, I will never forget. She walked in, she said, one statement. She said, you ever notice when you work on a house, you get really angry? She turned on the left.

Just drop that bomb.

Oh, man. I pulled that knife out of my chest.

That's a great. I've never heard that strategy.

And so I went, she's right. And I walked in and said, honey, I never had a dad show me how to fix anything. So I'm working on the house. I feel like an idiot. So no matter what I do, I feel like an idiot. And you can ask any question, I'll think it's a criticism. I need you to help me in this. And she's helped me in it because that's the truth.

That plays out in the brokenness, right? So like in my life, you know, like. So as you're talking, Nick, the idea of wanting approval or wanting that affirmation, for me, that's what it was. I always want the approval of my dad. And I see that play out even in my life, that when someone says something critically about me or misunderstands me, like that's the 12 year old feeling. It's like it's right back to, why can't you just approve of me? And so you see it play out in the way that really your worldview is shaped and how you go about.

Your day to day.

You can identify it once you start to connect.

How.

How do I feel around my dad and how do I experience life? And those two things usually connect.

How do you feel around your dad and how do you deal when you think your wife's criticizing you? How do you react? I'll show you how secure you are in who you are big time.