In this panel discussion, Nick Stumbo, Shelley, and Jason explore how couples in recovery can manage both familiar and unexpected triggers that arise when life circumstances change—such as meeting in‑laws for the first time, having a new baby, moving, or other novel events. The conversation emphasizes the practice of “front‑loading,” meaning having proactive, pre‑emptive conversations to anticipate potential stressors and devise joint plans before the situation occurs. Jason highlights the “first‑time” effect, especially for husbands, and advises against walking into events with surprise or rigid expectations, instead adopting a flexible mindset that allows the Holy Spirit and personal spirit to guide responses. Shelley adds that predictable scenarios can be managed through clear communication and self‑regulation needs, while surprise triggers require an attitude of acceptance and the ability to request support in the moment. Nick ties these ideas to the structure of weekly Pure Desire recovery groups, where participants commit to change by identifying the greatest threat to sobriety each week and planning accordingly. The group underscores that most triggers can be anticipated with intentional planning, reducing the risk of relapse or relational blow‑ups, and that this anticipatory work becomes a foundational building block for sustained recovery.
Chapters
Uh, Jason and Shelley, another kind of angle of this, you know, couples do good work, they're, you know, talking through triggers, and then something new happens. Maybe it's the first time they've seen the in-laws in their recovery journey, or maybe it's a new job, a move of cities, maybe it's, uh, having a baby, and suddenly old triggers, uh, that we thought we had dealt with are suddenly back with new power. How do you encourage couples to handle those unexpected triggers in new situations?
I actually think you gave me a look of like, uh-oh, you know what? I think this is a little more straightforward than, than we expect it to be. I think the key, because we are aware of at least those scenarios, like, okay, we're going to go spend Christmas with the, or a holiday with the in-laws or the new baby is coming. Anything new on the horizon, number one is to be aware of that, and then number two, we, we call it front loading.
Yeah.
So for them to have preemptive conversations about what's going— what's about to happen, and to devise a plan together as to how we're going to handle it, to go into the situation knowing Okay, this is probably going to be a little bit triggering for me. So let's, let's proactively piece together what are we going to do while we're there. And then we simply— maybe it's not that simple, but implement that when we're together. So it's really more having an expectation in new situations. There probably will be some triggers.
Yeah. Yeah. I think for husbands, especially early in the process, that idea that the firsts are the worst. The first time you see the in-law, the first time you go to the kids' basketball game, the first time, you know, the first seem to be worth the first anniversary of D-Day, you know, whatever it is, right?
Yeah.
So we as husbands, there's no reason. Some of those things, there's no reason for us to walk in surprised, right? To be caught off guard.
Yeah.
When we can anticipate a lot of those things and get out in front of it with a conversation about how do we need this to go? How do we want this to go? How do we need this to look? So that front-loading thing, I think, is a really, really important piece. Um, the other thing I'll say is, and I'm speaking again from a husband's perspective here, the, um, setting our mind at, uh, no formula or expectation when there is a surprise.
Way to go.
Yeah, a lot of times we walk into those situations and we kind of have, uh, we have a preconceived notion whether it's conscious or unconscious of, okay, how's this going to look? And she's not going to raise her voice in the restaurant, right? And, you know, this kind of stuff, as opposed to determining within ourselves, hey, this, this is going to go how it's going to go, and I'm going to show up the best I can show up. And I'm not— back to— I'm not going to try to contain it. I'm going to try to roll with it. Somehow the Holy Spirit and my spirit will interact, and I'm going to try to show up the best that I can in this. In whatever way she needs.
Yeah, I love that. With scenarios that are a given, right, such as visiting in-laws or baby, those are somehow what we call, what I like to call predictable scenarios, which is kind of like you're front-loading, right, in a sense of, okay, we know that this is gonna bring some external stress. These are factors that will be challenging or unknown to us. And so how do we communicate? Let's come up with a plan. So that we can navigate this together as a team, right? And that gives me personally the opportunity to ask myself, what am I gonna need in those moments to help myself feel regulated, seen, heard, right? And then vice versa. But then also with those other scenarios that are surprise, surprise, right? They're not predictable. But then to also have that mindset of, okay, if and when this happens, I will be okay. And what can I do in those moments? Maybe I don't know what's gonna happen. Maybe I don't know how I'm going to feel or react or respond, but, I can go to these other options in those moments. And then that gives the couple that opportunity to then lean into each other. It's like, oh my goodness, I just feel this way or that way. Would you please, you know, gimme a hug or whatever that may be. And so then that just pulls you in as opposed to the other way around, which is the case for a lot of people.
Yeah, and I think it's one of the values of being in a weekly group, like a Pure Desire group, is that question we ask at the end of every group, what is your commitment to change? And that commitment to change to be rooted around what is the greatest threat to your sobriety this week? And you mentioned it, Jason, like the thought that we should be unprepared is really an old way of thinking. It's an addict way of thinking of like, "Oh my gosh, I'm on a trip and I'm in a hotel room alone. I'd never thought about I might face temptations." Like, you could see that coming a mile away. Or, "Oh my goodness, we're at my in-laws and they're fighting and I feel triggered. I couldn't see that coming." Dave Ramsey has that joke too about finances, like, I can't believe Christmas is on December 25th this year and we didn't plan for the gifts. Like, okay, look ahead, like, ask those questions. What's going to be a threat? And then make a plan, discuss it with your spouse. And I, I think too, it's a good point to pull in what you had said earlier, that that might be about your sexual addiction recovery, or it might be about the relational recovery, that either one of those are really important to look what's coming up How do we navigate it well? Because the idea that we're just going to be totally off guard— I mean, granted, you could maybe get like into a car accident. You can't anticipate you got into an accident and that triggers fear. And so there, there could be something unexpected. But the vast majority of situations, if you're willing to look ahead and make a plan, you can see it coming and you can, you can live differently, which then becomes that building block of recovery that a couple— they get through a Christmas and there's not a blowup or there's not a relapse and they're like, oh, That felt a lot better.
Yes.
Like we're doing it, we're making progress. So looking ahead and having a plan can be a significant part of your growth.
