Navigating The Impact Of Our Self Care | Pure Desire Ministries

What if something that we're doing for self care or to meet our own needs has a negative impact on other people? How do we navigate like that? How do we figure out is this actually a good thing that they're just overreacting to? Or how do I know this is something that I need to make a change because it is really hurting somebody else?

Yeah, that's a really good question. You. Yeah, I think about again, if somebody's like, how do you know it's affecting somebody negatively? Have they come to you and said, hey, why are you doing this? Then yeah, having a conversation and maybe there is something that you can modify in what you're doing that's affecting somebody negatively if that's the case. But I kind of lean more towards Nick and what he was just saying, like, you know what? This is what I need to be healthy. And maybe it's making them uncomfortable because they don't have healthy boundaries. Maybe it's, you know, they're feeling left out or that you're not catering to them for whatever reason. But as I. All I could think about in this, this question is my daughter. My daughter has some of the most amazing healthy boundaries. You know, she's got five almost, she's due any day with her six baby and she's fantastic with making. Just being able to say, no, that doesn't work for me. No, we're going home for nap time and no, I, I need to just be here for my family. And, and I know that makes some people uncomfortable, but man, I love it. And she's such an example to me. I absolutely, I mean she's the epitome. Every time I answer that question in my books about like who is a good representation of boundaries, say my daughter. She's amazing. So I don't know that maybe didn't completely answer the question. But again, I just think dialogue, you know, we got to be able to be real with each other and to share. But again, like Nick said, if you don't get it and you don't understand, this is what I need. And it's okay that we maybe just agree to disagree. I think about there's a, a meme or something on Facebook that says in re in regards to boundaries, like the only person who gets frustrated with your boundaries is the person that they're meant for. So I don't know. That's kind of.

That is very true. Maybe a sign there.

Yeah.

With this question, you know, I'm assuming it the conflict maybe is with someone that's my wife knows Running is a form of self care for me. But if, if it's like the middle of a family gathering, I'm like, well, going for a run, see you later. And it's like, why did Nick just take off? You know? Or you say to your wife, you know, well, see you later, I'm going to a movie and it's four in the afternoon and the family's coming over at seven and she's like, seriously, like what, what are you doing? And so if there's not been communication, if we're only looking at what's good for us and not thinking through how does this fit with what's happening, then we have to be aware. Well, maybe I'm being kind of selfish in how I'm practicing self care. So the communication of, hey, what are the plans for today? What, what is this? You know, as we have some family over, what does it look like schedule wise? Where would be appropriate times for me to take that walk, go for the run, hit the gym, call the friend, do my group lesson, you know, whatever it is, figuring out what is a time that works so that the people that we do kind of owe that responsibility of communication to feel like they can be on the same page with us. And the other thing I would say about it, there are tendencies we all have towards some self blindness that maybe there are places where self care does seem to go into just abandoning responsibilities or being a little selfish. And if it's someone that loves us that is in that inner circle, we need to be open to their perspective. So if they say, hey honey, I appreciate that you run for self care, but I'm questioning why you need four hours today. Could you maybe do something shorter or, you know, this is the third day in a row.

Is that how long you run?

No, I just want to maybe in some marathon training phases in the past. But you hear if you were saying three days in a row, I'm going to a movie, going to a movie and a spouse starts saying, hey, could we talk about where is the balance between what self care and where you're just doing something you enjoy because yeah, it's easy and you don't have to be around our kids or you don't have to see my family, or you don't have to help, you know, go buy the Christmas present. So if we are practicing self care in a way that's leaving others feeling like we're just escaping, then again we need to be open to their perspective and be aware that maybe I am using a healthier activity for Some unhealthy purposes like my past of avoiding work, avoiding responsibility, avoiding whatever you know I should be doing instead.

Right.

And allowing people to have that honest conversation with us.

And that's why being proactive is so helpful. You're looking ahead. And this is a thing where you know, when the celebration it's not like, I mean, I guess this isn't necessarily true. Some people have families show up just like, surprise, we're here for a Christmas celebration.

But usually not normal, normal people.

I don't know what that means. But have you know, this is the date our family's getting together. If you know that that's true, then put like, you know, the days leading up to it in and around that time where you can say, hey, I know this is going to be a really stressful time for you. What does self care look like for you, you know, to your spouse? What does it look like for you leading up to it or after? And the same thing for me. And so it's planning, it's literally putting a game plan together to implement self care with the benefit. Right again of an investment in us that we can be healthier in these. And that's why we're talking about it. That's because there are situations during the holidays where it's really easy to not be healthy.

And so again planning and maybe especially at the holidays, look for opportunities where your self care could adjust a little to include other people. Yeah. You know, I found having one of my kids that participates in things I enjoy made it a lot easier to do self care. So you know, having a daughter that loved running and having a plan like hey, 9am tomorrow we're doing our run. It was really easy for my wife to be on board because she supported the father daughter time. She liked seeing our daughter stick to her running plan and it was kind of like something that we did together. And so maybe for you it's taking that walk with a family member, taking one of our kids to the movie or whatever it is we do. Like is there a way? And I know that's not everything. Like you can't always invite people into your time of journaling and prayer or that sort of thing.

Not inviting my 6 year old to watch John Wick 4. Exactly.

But a lot of our activities could maybe include, hey, I'm going to do this with someone. It's good for me and it's connection. And if it's our spouse, that much better because then they can feel included. Yep. How might our self care be helpful to our spouses? To family or close friends. I think sometimes we think self care. Well, it's for me. But give us perspective. How is our self care actually for other people as well?

We're just better humans when we take care of ourselves and that overflows everywhere we are. I don't know if this is a quote or if I heard it in a message, but it said, if I'm not in the word for one day, I know it. If I'm not in the word for two days, my wife knows it or my spouse. If I'm not in the word for three days, my kids know it. If I'm not in the word for four days, everybody knows it. I think that's like the measure of self care. So like leading up to a family event, you might not want to be like slacking the week before because you're going to be a mess. And yeah, I just think we are better when we invest in ourselves and we're taking the time for ourselves. We have way more to give other people. You know, it's like fill your cup so it spills over to other people. But yeah, we're just way better humans when we do it. And that's across the board.

Totally. And I think too, like, as you're prioritizing self care in your life, you start to identify, oh yeah, my spouse needs it and maybe my family needs it and my friends need it. And so it's easy because in some ways you give people permission while I'm doing this, you should do this too. But then also it does open your eyes to. And I know it's been this way for me, like trying to find ways. And my wife would admit this, that she's not great at self care. And so for me, if I'm in that mindset where self care is a part of my rhythm and my days, I'm quicker to think like, hey, how can we get you out of the house? I'll take the boys, I'll do something. You go just whatever you want to do. And finding those pockets and rhythms. So I think it just heightens our awareness to being able to encourage other people that they have this free freedom as well to invest in themselves.

Well, frankly, put, good self care can keep us away from relapse and old unhealthy behaviors.

Bingo.

But the other thing I'd say as it relates to our spouses and family, that if I don't do self care, my need for care doesn't go away. Like I still have needs and what can inadvertently happen if I'M not practicing good self care is. I put that burden on the people around me, maybe without even meaning to. But now I need you to help me feel good. I need you to bring some peace. I need you to keep my environment controlled because I'm not doing it in healthier ways. So now I'm kind of looking to pull that from other people in ways that tend to not go well and strain relationships and make family members or friends feel a little manipulated or used or like, well, why is it my job to make you feel better or I'm sorry the house wasn't perfect when you got home and so you didn't feel at ease. Well, now I'm bringing those burdens with me rather than dealing with them in more constructive ways. So I think if we see like, I mean I noticed this. For me, if I am doing self care, I don't get near as critical with my family about if I see something left, you know, out or the room is messy because those things can really, when I'm not in a good place then those things really bother me and I get critical and I get pouty and I get moody and it's like, well that's not good for anybody. And I've, in our marriage, like my wife has literally said, honey, do you need to go for a run? And it's her way of saying like get off everybody's back, right? Like do what you need to so you can be present with us in a healthier way. And that's not to say I should just, you know, never care if my kids room is a mess. I mean there's a parenting aspect there, sure. But I can just feel like when I'm starting to need you to make my environment feel good and that's just, that's not healthy. So if I can see that health self care benefits those relationships because it releases them from the burden of caring for me and allows me just to have healthy relationship. Yeah, man, that's a huge motive I think for self care.