Recovering From PTSD

So, Heather, this might be the million dollar question, and I'm sure we could take a whole nother podcast on it, but could you kind of sketch out what does it look like to heal, to walk a healing pathway with ptsd and then add to that? How long does that healing journey take for most people?

Yeah, this is a great question, and I don't think that there's really one answer for this. I think that it tends to be very unique to somebody's situation. This. This is not a one size fits all process. And I just think that it really does depend, again, on what happened, what else is happening in your world, and being able to, I don't know, monitor your behaviors and where you're going. Because if it's very severe and you have layers of trauma, it's gonna take longer. I remember this one woman. I don't think I'll ever forget her. We were at a conference, and the next session had already started, but we were still chatting, and she was just sharing a little bit about her story. And at one point she stops and she just looks right at me and she says, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't be feeling this way. He's in group. He's doing great. It's been four years, and I can't sleep and I can't eat and I can't, you know, and she started listing all of these things, and then tears start coming out of her eyes, and it's, you know, and it's like, why. Why is that your mindset, that I shouldn't be feeling this way? You know, because if this is the reality that. That what's happened in your life and in your marriage, that this is how it's impacting you, yes, you should be feeling this way. It's okay for you to be feeling this way. And then making sure that if you're feeling this way, if it's been four years and. And you're feeling this way, then it might be time to try something different, you know, because I don't want another four years to go by and for you to still be feeling this way, because then whatever you're doing now is not. Is not working or not working well enough to continue to move you toward life and health and engagement and, you know, and so I think that that's really what it looks like, is that if I'm doing things and in the first year, I'm doing okay, but other things are significantly worse. I need to get some help, and I need to get help outside of what I'm doing right now, and I, you know, even just researching, doing a little bit of stuff for this. Some people say that if your symptoms are extreme, even for more than a month, that a month warrants you to go get some help, go have a conversation even with your doctor to say, is this normal? At what point should I be concerned about my level of depression or anxiety or panic attacks? Is it normal that I break down once a week? Is it normal that. And just to start that conversation, or even have that conversation with the people in your group to say, this is really what I'm feeling, this is what I'm experiencing. And can you guys share with me if you think that. That these things are normal? And if not, then either. What have you done to get help in this area? Because that can be really insightful sometimes, or what would you recommend are my next steps? Because we just wanna make sure that people aren't staying in the same situation and carrying the weight of everything that they're going through. And not even, you know, not in forward motion, but they're just kind of spinning in this one place and they're staying there for years. That is not gonna benefit anybody. And. And it definitely is not gonna benefit their mental health. So that would be my thoughts on that question.

I was thinking about, Nick, what you were saying, that it's, you know, especially for the struggling or addicted spouse, it's like, well, can we just get over this already? And I think that this question, too, is one that a lot of struggling spouses ask. They're curious about this. And I think that there has to be a small shift in the perspective that it's not when will my spouse finally heal, but more focus on what progress are we currently making. Like, be diligent to. You know, you talk about on the betrayed partner side that pay attention to, like, how long the symptoms have been going on, and if something you're doing is not working, try something else. Go see a therapist. Go see someone who, you know, has expertise in betrayal, trauma, or go see if there's medication to help you get the manifestations down to a point where you can find a way to normalize. But I think on the struggling spouse, there has to be that shift that I'm not focused on when we will be done with this, but in what ways are we working toward improvement and identifying those things. And I think that would be super helpful. And maybe something practical is like keeping a list of ways that you've seen. In the first couple of months. I saw this response from my spouse but you know what? Today there was a shift, there was a softness that I felt where I didn't come in and see her sitting, looking out the window, the same place I left her this morning. Things like that, documenting that. Because if you can focus on that, I think that that's going to serve you much better.

Yeah. And in some ways, the answer to the question of how long does it take? Kind of relates to what steps are we taking? Because as we've discussed in other episodes, time does not heal all wounds. In fact, wounds that are unaddressed, time infects those wounds and it can actually get worse. And so if our approach to trauma or PTSD is to just try to ignore it and hope it goes away, then this will probably be a really, really long process with very little progress. But if we're able to see, I need to reach out, I need to take some steps, and there's no one size fits all but that if we're proactively moving towards our healing, then that timeline can look very different. And for a lot of our listeners, Heather, you probably allow them to take a deep breath and relax when you say there's no one size fits all because they're worried they're not doing the right things. But for others, you may cause a little anxiety when they're like, just give me the steps, like, give me five steps to healing. And I did have a few thoughts and I don't think there's steps, but I would just say consistent principles we've seen in recovery that are really helpful and three things that come to mind. And number one would be to seek professional help, that PTSD is really kind of a professional diagnosis in terms of people that have been trained to understand it, to see it, and to work with it. And if, if you're just trying between you and your spouse to figure it out, or you and your sister or sister in law that you talk to a lot and they're not trained in that, like, hey, it's great you've got a friend, but you need someone that this is an area they've understood and worked with a lot. They're going to be able to really diagnose where you're at and what that pathway might look like for you. So in some way, shape or form, seek out professional help. Second, I would say educate yourself. If this podcast has kind of been eye opening for you on what PTSD is, and am I perhaps dealing with that more than I thought? Find some articles, find some books. You know, many times we've recommended the Body keeps the score. I know Vessel Van der Kolk talks a lot about the impact of trauma and ptsd, and I think you could find some really good resources just to understand what is ptsd, what do medical doctors say about it, what do professional therapists say? And through that lens, begin to evaluate what you're facing. And then third, as we've just seen in all these areas, find support. Find people in your world that are supportive of the process. You're on the journey that you're on without condemning, without shaming, without criticizing that they're for you and with you, and they're in it. And if you don't have that. We really hope and believe a pure desire group could be that. We hope that there may be women or men at your church that could be a part of that support structure, because in anything, we're not made to do it alone. We're made for relationship, and it's in relationship that we're healed. And so I know for some, PTSD and trauma is the very thing that makes us want to withdraw and want nothing to do with people. And there are times I think that's okay. But somewhere in our rhythm, there have to be safe people that we're engaging with, because that we've just seen consistently as a part of what recovery looks like. So, again, those aren't three steps. I would just say those are three principles that within someone's journey, we've consistently see be a part of their recovery and look for ways that you can do that.

Yeah, and those are good encouragements. And I think to kind of land the plane here of the conversation is just really exploring more of that. Like, what encouragements would we give to someone who has experienced betrayal, trauma from a sexual betrayal, and is starting to wonder, is PTSD really a part of my story? Is that what I'm experiencing? What encouragement will we give them?

Yeah, I think that all those steps that you or principles that you gave, those are great. That's a good place to start. I think, also having that level of awareness for ourselves, even though I know that early on in, you know, following discovery or disclosure, we might not even have that capacity. So also then to encourage the people who are helpers in this arena or even have friends who are going through this, to just be able to be the person who could say, you know what? I think you're struggling in this area. I think that. Or I've seen this in you. You seem to be more depressed than normal. Are you doing okay? And just have those conversations, you know, if You're a safe person in their life and to help them find that awareness, because, again, they might not have the capacity to even recognize it. And then also, I think, be willing to go to a doctor or go to a mental health professional and just, you know, even just explore what that could look like for you. Because sometimes, especially with this kind of a situation, we can't find the solution. With the same brain that's creating all this distress in our lives, our brain won't be able to do it. We need somebody else's brain who's gonna help us gain perspective and insight and understand why this is happening. And again, like you said, Nick, help us develop a path going forward. Because if we're going to rely on our own brain to fix this, it's not going to happen.

I think of the words Brennan Manning said, and he was an author who wrote extensively about his alcohol recovery and even wrote about some relapses. And he used a phrase once. I heard him say that today I will endeavor not to should on myself. I should. I should. And I think when we're dealing with trauma and ptsd, there can be some of that where, well, I should be better. I should be healing faster. I should be. I'm happier with my spouse. I should be more content with what God's like. And we do that. It's kind of that personal shaming and guilt trip that really, in the long run, won't help just to say, how can I be present where I'm at, accept reality and invite God to meet me there? And I think that's the other encouragement I would give, is just that thought that there is nothing you're going through that is outside of God's purview or understanding. And his heart for you is so constant. The book of Hebrews says that we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but knows us, understands us in every way. And so I don't believe that Jesus, in his human experience, experienced ptsd, as we would call it, because of his also being fully God, fully man. But his ability to empathize and to know what we're going through is constant. It's there and it's true. And I think we just need to make sure we don't put ourselves in a place where we think, well, God's with other Christians or other believers, but what I'm going through, he doesn't get me. And. And he does. He gets what you're facing and feeling, and he knows the roots of it. And the causes of it even better than you do. And really, he knows what healing looks like. And so I think coming to that place where we just say, God, I don't know what this looks like. I don't know how long it will take, but I trust that you're with me in it. And that can be sometimes the encouragement and hope we need just to keep taking that next step, even if we feel like it's just a little step forward. Knowing that we're not alone, that God is with us and strengthening us in it, I think can be a tremendous encouragement.