In this round‑table discussion, Tyler, Sheri, Nick Stumbo, and other participants explore how subtle, everyday actions can either undermine or rebuild trust in a marriage. They identify micro‑inconsistencies—such as arriving later than promised without notice—as hidden trust‑wreckers, and stress that consistency in small promises is crucial for the betrayed partner’s sense of security. Nick connects these patterns to recovery, noting that the same protective urge to “shade the truth” that fuels addiction can surface in non‑sexual contexts, and that true trust requires broader integrity and authenticity, not just the cessation of a single bad behavior. The group emphasizes transparency as a lifestyle choice rather than a surveillance tool, advocating for proactive communication of plans (e.g., stopping for errands) and clear expectation‑setting. They discuss the use of location‑sharing apps like Life360, arguing that reliance on such tools often signals a failure to communicate ahead of time. Overall, the conversation offers practical, low‑key strategies—consistent communication, honest sharing, and expectation alignment—to create a stronger, more trusting partnership.
Chapters
Sometimes one of the, the spouse may, may do something, maybe even unintentionally, to, um, shipwreck the trust that they have been building and, or even they've been working so hard, right, to, to build. So how, how do you avoid this, these pitfalls? What do you, what do you guys think?
Yeah, it's not uncommon that we see that, yeah, where an individual may look beyond the little things that help instill trust in the relationship. So I would say inconsistencies can be a key to shipwrecking the progress. And so the, uh, safety action plan, of reaction plan are really important to agree upon and to adhere to in, in the big things and the small things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, you know, it's consistency in those little things that, that might not seem very important, um, maybe to the betrayer, but are extremely important to the betrayed spouse. Oh yeah. You know, if you say you're going to be leaving work at 5:30 And we start slipping, and, well, I'm not going to leave until 5:40, but I don't really think I need to let her know. And, you know, that, that 10 minutes difference can make a whole lot of difference in that betrayed spouse's, uh, spirit.
Yeah, so, so true.
Well, these become opportunities sometimes for the, the addict or the struggler to understand why they've developed some of that protective personality. You know, I found ways in which even in recovery there would be temptations to like make myself look better or to, you know, I didn't want my wife to be upset, so I'd kind of shade the truth. And it's like, wait a minute, I'm, I'm doing what I've always done. And now it's not in an area of sexuality, but it's in these other areas. But it's coming from that same root of I want to look good to be accepted. I want you to like me, so I'll shade the truth so you like me. And those were important things to realize that even if it wasn't in the area of sexuality, viewing porn, it was tied to it for my spouse. And I think that's a pitfall that I see people get into is they think, well, as long as I avoid that thing, whatever the behavior was that we're changing, well, it's not porn or it's not an affair. It's not that, that, that, that's really what's important. And yes, we do need to avoid that thing, but that's not the only thing. And if that's our only measurement of you're getting my spouse to trust me, we're probably going to fall far short of what we're aiming for. And so it's, it's being a person of integrity, being someone of authenticity, being above board on everything. That's what rebuilds the trust. And I think, frankly, sometimes we get so focused on stopping the really bad behavior, we maybe miss all these other areas that are a part of recovery as well.
Great point. The analogy I like to draw is, in all things, it's important to walk in the light. To be known, to be authentic, to share. If I'm going to lunch, I'm going to share that I'm going to lunch. Sheri and I have mentioned earlier today, I'm not sure there's been any action like a lunch or dinner or meeting up with a friend that I haven't discussed with her first. And we're doing life together in that. So we don't let that small, those small things slip.
Yeah.
And where she's questioning.
Absolutely.
And it's not a matter of, you know, being checked up on or having to— Tyler having to ask permission or any of that kind of thing. I'm not being his mommy or his cup, right? But it's just that idea of it's being transparent, it's being known, it's informing each other of what's going on in our lives.
Yeah, that truly, truly brings that sense of togetherness, right? We're in this together. It's not just about me, but it's about us. And, and in that transparency, you're, you're expressing that it's us, it's not just me.
Yeah, the, um, setting expectations I think is critical. Oftentimes when a couple do not express their expectations, that expectation is not met. It's super important to talk about expectations.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah, I was thinking about what you said, Sheri, that that doesn't mean constantly checking up on someone or that kind of like, I have to be on top of you all times to know where you're at. But that transparency, it just becomes a way of life. Michelle and I, my wife, we use Life360 to track where our kids are at, which also means we can use it to find where our spouse is at. But I've said, if you have to check Life360 to see where I am, I've probably already missed the boat because that means I haven't communicated to you a plan that I have. Even if it's like you said, Sheri, on the way home, I'm planning to stop and pick up something at a store that I need, you know, for the lawnmower. That should be part of my routine of just, hey, you know, I'll probably be 20 minutes late tonight because I'm stopping for this part. And if I have not been thoughtful to communicate ahead of time, I'm already veering into unhealthy behaviors, even if I'm not intending to be secretive at all. But it's just that I don't want to create that feeling for my wife that I don't know where my husband is. I've got to check Life360 because he didn't tell me. We're already getting off course for what I want to do.
Yeah, absolutely. An ambiguous situation is a trigger, and, and rightfully so.
