A short conversational video (two speakers) exploring why isolation is dangerous for people struggling with negative sexual behaviors and addiction. Speakers argue isolation cultivates shame, hides problematic patterns, and both precipitates unhealthy coping (e.g., pornography, numbing via phones/TV) and blocks recovery by preventing access to community and accountability. The conversation emphasizes that healing requires community and relationships, and that isolation creates a self-perpetuating cycle that intensifies loneliness and relapse risk.
What is it about isolation that makes it dangerous? Especially in this conversation about addressing our negative sexual behaviors or addiction or that sort of recovery?
I mean, the first thing that comes to mind with this question is just in isolation is where shame grows. And, you know, when you have negative sexual behavior or compulsive sexual behavior, whether that's sexually acting out, watching pornography, masturbation, affairs, anything like that, sleeping around. Those are things that we know, both you and I personally, that cause shame. That there's a. You know, as a follower of Jesus, we know that this is not the right thing to do, and we feel that weight. And the idea of having other people know is terrifying. And so the way to avoid that fear is to isolate and pull away. And unfortunately, it's like. Isn't it like fungus grows in the dark? Right? It's like isolation is a way to keep those things in the dark and those things to tend to fester. And you and I have talked a lot about this. This blind spot thing that we all have, or we're not able to see our patterns very well or see our biggest struggles or issues. And in isolation, it's damaging to us because we aren't allowing other people's perspective, what they see, what they know, their own experience, their wisdom. We don't let any of that in when we're in isolation. And so it's shame and a lack of community of people helping us see our patterns and address them, that makes it so dangerous.
Yeah, I was thinking about that. It's kind of this vicious cycle if we're isolating. Because isolation can be both part of the cause of our problems of struggling with sexual behavior, pornography, lust. And it can also be what's preventing us from the cure.
Yeah.
And so it's the cause in that, you know, isolation really is, let's be honest, it's a breeding ground for unhealthy behaviors. Because if I'm choosing to avoid unpleasant situations or people or hard work or responsibility, I'm already in a place where I'm looking for something else to kind of create some mental stimulation, some excitement to fill up my mind and to help me not think about whatever it is I'm avoiding. And so for many people, that first step in isolation might not be straight to their old sexual behavior or pornography, but it maybe is. I'm numbing out on my phone. I'm scrolling social media. I'm watching, you know, television by myself. I'm channel surfing. Whatever it is. I'm kind of moving into that place where I'm numbed out. And because I'm isolated, it's just increasingly easier to take the next step and the next and the next. And until someone's looking at their life going, oh my gosh, I'm there again. I promised I would never do this. Why? Well, they maybe have missed the connection that isolation was part of the problem that led them into their pathway. And then when we're stuck in that shame, when we're stuck in some of those behaviors, what we need is community. What we need is healing relationships. And we talk about that so much at Pure Desire. But if we've been in that pattern of isolation, it's hard to seek that out. We feel like people would reject me, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. It's too hard to break out of this. So it's kind of that double edged sword of it's both part of the cause of what we're stuck in and it's keeping us from the cure. And so in both regards, it's dangerous to our recovery.
Another aspect of that self perpetuating cycle too is that, and I know I've experienced this, that in isolation I start to feel lonely or in isolating, I know it's, it's not good for me, I need to break out of it. But that discomfort of that realization causes me to want to isolate even more. It's that thing that while I'm already here, and it's funny because what I'm trying to get at is that because we start to feel that way or maybe have even identified that isolation is bad, that discomfort is one of the things that causes us to go to those unwanted behaviors. And then that cycle just continues and continues.
