This YouTube panel (speakers including Trevor and Heather) discusses why assertiveness matters in recovery and healing. Assertiveness is portrayed as tightly linked to healthy boundaries, emotional intelligence, and the ability to communicate needs—skills that help prevent relapse into unhealthy behaviors by providing legitimate ways to meet needs. The discussion includes practical ideas (guardrails, seeking affirmation from scripture, friends, or hobbies) and references programmatic resources (Ben Bennett, "seven pillars", "Unraveled and Betrayal", "Compassionate Warrior").
Thinking of the why to do this, because we have talked about that it might not be easy, it might create conflict. So why do this? How does being assertive help us on our recovery and healing journey?
So you already mentioned one of the key things earlier when you talked about boundaries. Because people who are more assertive, they tend to have really healthy boundaries because they recognize that, that if I value myself, if I value my wants and needs, then I need to have boundaries that are going to protect my wants and needs, if that makes sense. And so they have really healthy boundaries and are pretty good at communicating those boundaries in a way that is effective and doesn't create divisiveness in relationships. But the more that I think about assertiveness, assertiveness, it seems like it carries this package of things that we talk about all the time, like having boundaries, having a growth mindset, being able to communicate in a way that really does preserve relationship, that it doesn't cause conflict, that really all of those things, being more emotionally intelligent, I think all of those things, the more that we learn the value of being assertive and how it really does protect us and it protects our relationships, you can kind of see this, I don't know, this bubble of all of these things that work together to create this. I don't know if it's an ease, but it does seem to make you recognize the value of being assertive totally.
And being assertive is like entering into a double bind, because you know that it's a lot easier to be passive in the moment, but then you also know if you're not assertive, that then you may feel discomfort later. And I just as you were answering, I was writing down that lack of being assertive can equal potential discomfort. And we see that with people who are overly passive, it tends to blow up later down the road. But when we feel that discomfort, that's what led us to unhealthy behaviors in the first place. Like that it's incongruent inside, and we don't know how to deal with it. Of those difficult, sticky situations where you get triggered emotionally or things happen that would once cause you to go to those unhealthy behaviors.
Yeah, you were talking about boundaries, Heather. And I want to go back to that because I think when we use the language of boundaries, a lot of us maybe go towards, well, that's for the betrayed spouse, the one that's been infringed on, has had harmful things done to them in the relationship. They need those healthy boundaries, not only with their struggling spouse, but with Others and learning to have their voice. And all of that's true. But I just wanted to bring up that the same need exists for people who struggle or have had addiction to be able to be assertive and have boundaries about what they need. Because going back to what you said, Trevor, it is a lack of having our needs met that leads us into unhealthy behavior. We've talked about it a lot, and Ben Bennett says it on the podcast that pornography or other forms of acting out sexually are illegitimate ways of meeting legitimate needs. Well, if we don't know how to be assertive and express our legitimate needs, then we will continue to go towards illegitimate ways of meeting it. And so when we've got those guardrails in our life that keep us from those unhealthy behaviors and we maybe feel ourselves gravitating towards them or starting to hit guardrails that we've set up around our behavior, it's in being assertive that we can tell others what we need or what's going on inside and say, be able to say to someone, you know, I'm really just looking for some affirmation. And that doesn't mean, you know, your spouse can always be the one to meet it, but you can think through, boy, if I need affirmation, if I need a sense of being reminded who I am, where can I go to get that? Is it to the word of God? Is it to friends that encourage me? Is it doing an activity or a hobby that kind of makes me feel good about my skill set? That might look like a whole lot of things, but if I'm not assertive to say what I need, I will probably, in isolation, find less healthy ways to meet that need. So assertiveness and boundaries are key, whether you are the betrayed spouse or the one who's been struggling and battled with addiction.
Yeah, yeah. And I really appreciate that you brought in seven pillars and talked about assertiveness in that it is also in unraveled and betrayal and beyond and the compassionate warrior where we talk about. Because it is really a skill set that is. Has a lot of value in recovery and healing.
