In this conversational segment, Nick Stumbo and two participants explore what truly drives lasting personal transformation. Speaker A emphasizes that a person’s “why” must be big, personal, and rooted in God’s potential, urging listeners to ask probing questions about stakes, willingness, and desired outcomes. Speaker B shares his own journey of discovering a purpose that extends beyond self‑interest—helping others and honoring the sacrifice of Jesus—highlighting how a deep, heart‑centered why fuels recovery. Nick Stumbo then warns against mistaking short‑term behavioral cessation for genuine change. He explains that early success (e.g., two months of sobriety) can create a false sense of completion, while the underlying flawed thinking, emotional wounds, and marital trust issues often lag far behind. Through a personal anecdote about his wife’s frustration, he illustrates the need for visible, honest engagement, emotional presence, and consistent integrity. The discussion concludes that a lasting “why” must align with God’s shaping of the heart, aim for holistic healing, and sustain long‑term commitment to marriage restoration and personal integrity.
Chapters
A person's why for change is very personal. And I would encourage people, it's got to be big. It has to be big. And that's God's potential for our lives. And I'll often prompt guys especially to help them understand their why for change. I'll ask them, gosh, what's at stake? What are you contending for? What are you willing to do? And what is your desired outcome? Those questions that can help promote that why and moving toward the why. It's— this is big. It's got to be big in order to really step in and do the, the deep, difficult work. The why is big. And oftentimes I don't know what's out there. I don't know what the ideal in relationship can be. I've been stuck all along. I don't know what that optimum is. Well, that's when community and professionals can help, help a person really get to the point to define their why. But those are questions I often ask.
Yeah, it's such a big question. And I remember when I was faced with my why, and at that moment I had one choice, or well, two choices, but really one choice. It's like, am I gonna go all in? And like you said, there's so much in the future you don't know, but I'm willing to do what it takes to experience healing that God has for me. And then I remember in just talking with Dr. Ted back in the day, he asked me, you know, why, you know, thing, the question was why, and I just told him, I said, I want to help one guy not do what I did and help save one child. And he said, why only one? You know, so I've lived my life for the last 30 years of PD of investing in men and helping them walk through to find their why. It's like the why is such a huge— I mean, you said it is the biggest thing, part of recovery, I feel. And there's a deep meaning behind it when you really let it sink in your heart. I mean, Jesus died for me and for everybody else. I mean, that's a pretty big why, you know, to understand that and be able to take that and to help other people. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's deep-rooted in your heart.
Yeah, I think a reality is that if we've been caught in our struggle or we've chosen finally to bring that into the light, we are as motivated to change right now as we will ever be. But it is also a reality that if we start to experience change or stopping that behavior, a couple of good months can feel like, man, I'm a new man or I'm a woman. I'm a new person. Like things have changed. It's, it's, I'm free. And if that's our only motive to stop a bad behavior, we will think the journey is over way too soon. It's like, well, look, it's been 2 good months. And maybe for us in our story, 2 months is the longest we've ever gone. And so we're like, "I must be changed." Yeah. But the reality is those deeper systems, the flawed thinking, and what we're going to talk about in the next couple of weeks, those things take time to cement and solidify and become a new way of doing life. And we need to go deeper and say, "Why do I really want to do this? Is it just to stop a bad behavior, or am I looking to heal and restore my marriage? Am I looking to be a man that lives with integrity for the long haul?" that kind of work takes time. And what I would say that we have seen, I know all three of us have seen this over and over, is that your change or your perception of changing the behavior will almost always outpace the healing of your spouse. 'Cause you'll be a couple months in like, "Man, I haven't acted out at all, I'm doing great." And then it's like, "Well, why are you still so hurt?" Well, emotional damage and the betrayal and the trust issues it causes in the marriage take a lot longer than a couple of good months. I remember there was a humbling moment. My wife said it to me this way, like, what? I couldn't see what you were doing when you were doing it because you weren't showing me. You weren't telling me. It was a secret. And now that you're not doing it, I can't see that you're not doing it because that's not visible either. So maybe to you it looks like a whole bunch of change, but to me it's just still all this unknown and there could be secrecy. I don't know. I'm still living in a lot of fear and hurt and pain. It was like, oh, okay, that made sense to me. Like, I wanted her to congratulate me because it'd been a couple of good months. And she's like, these are things I can't see what you're not doing, right? Like, and her question became, what are you doing? Show me how you are changing. Be present with me, be engaged with the kids, you know, connect with me emotionally, be honest about your feelings. All these things that I maybe wasn't making as much traction as I thought because I was I was too focused on the why of stop the bad behavior. And I want to be clear, it is good and right to stop the bad behavior. But if our why goes deeper than that, to how God wants to shape our heart and restore our marriage, that is what can keep us committed to doing this work for the long haul.
Absolutely, great point. You married exceedingly well, Nick. Good job. One thing that comes to mind is our history and those who came before us and the trajectory of our family lineage. And a lot of guys say, you know what, I want to be that agent of change because I know the trajectory of the family and I don't want to pass this on to my kids. And so I would often say, why you? And they're like, oh, I think I'm the right person to do it. And I said, absolutely are. If not you, who? Now's the time. Engage.
