A multi‑speaker YouTube discussion about how couples can reset intimacy in marriage after relational harms or misordered priorities. Key recommendations: evaluate what 'right order' looks like, unpack root causes (not just stop offensive behaviors), remove competing 'idols' (examples: work, reputation, sex) from the relationship, set boundaries (commonly taking sex off the table during repair), prioritize emotional and spiritual connection, create safety for re‑engagement, and accept that rebuilding intimacy is a slow, ongoing journey.
So let's say a couple is listening to this, and they're like, oh, yeah, we totally get this order wrong. What does it look like to address that and the word reset? Like, how do you reset intimacy in your marriage? And what tools do you guys recommend that people can implement in their marriage to help create the right order?
Well, you know, I think you have to, like, in our marriage, we had to evaluate what. What our marriage looked like right. In the 28. And we both were determined that we did not want this kind of marriage anymore because it was very mediocre, and we had things go. I mean, it. Like we said before, it looked like we had everything put together, but we didn't really inside of. Of. Of in our hearts, we did not have it all together. And I think that you have to come. You have to come back, and you have to look at what has happened in the past, and this is not the direction I want to go anymore. And so there. There has to be a switch that you do that you have determined in your heart this is not how it's going to be.
Yeah, I think when we went back and looked at that, you know, the. The coming claim event, which so many people focus on and everything, it was much more than just coming clean with what I had done. I mean, it really has to go back to an unpacking of who I've been and what drove it, what were the roots. If I just focus on behaviors, it's not really going to get underneath it. So we had to go back and start resetting some of this stuff. And to reset, that means you got to take some of the idols off the table that have been on the table. And so for me, I mean, yes, sex was one of them, but there was more than that as well. And I. My work situation was out of control. It was all about me. It was where I got a lot of my pride and issues with my ego and everything else, but it was also my reputation. And that was probably one of the biggest things, you know, that. That was really fueling me. So you got to pull these idols off the table. I mean, we'll have a lot of. Sometimes a couple will come to us, and the woman will say, you know, he's not watching porn or masturbating anymore, but he's still a jerk, you know, and so you've got to get these other things addressed to improve your marriage. Just stopping offensive behaviors won't necessarily make the marriage any better. You've got to drill down into the deeper areas. And so for Us. I had to go back and start taking some of this stuff off the table. And I did. I switched positions at work. I eventually left that firm and just reset all those different things that were out there all in response to what we were doing here.
Yeah, I mean, and one of the other things that we took off the table was sex because in the, when we were going through recovery, that was the last thing I wanted.
So she says, we took it off the table. Priscilla took it off the table.
Just rightfully so. That boundary is yours to set. Yes.
So, you know, so we took, we took sex off the table because that was probably the area that I carried a lot of misunderstanding from my, from my growing up years. You know, my experience wasn't right, my beliefs weren't, weren't correct in that. And so we took that off the table because that was an area that God had to work in both of our lives. And. And you know, the thing is, is that we depend so much on sex. Right. Like we said that before, but if we take that off the table, what do you have left? You know, you don't. All you have is emotional and spiritual. And so that was where we went to. We said, let, let's go back to this and look at where we are emotionally and what is it that God wants to do in our lives spiritually together.
Yeah. I think that's such a great reminder of why many couples in a season of disclosure and repair and regrowth of the relationship will take sex off the table. There is an element of safety. And when do both spouses feel safe to re. Engage and feel like they can trust what the other person is thinking about and doing. But I think that other element of it gives you an opportunity to lean into parts of your relationship that were really to lean into parts of your relationship that are maybe really underdeveloped. Because for many of us, and I would include myself in this, we so prioritized the sexual connection and even tracking like, did it happen once this week or twice, or could we maybe get to three times? And how do I make that happen? And it was all about the sex, but kind of missing. Am I really connecting with my wife's heart? Am I connecting with her soul and her spirit? Do I care about what's going on in that part of her life? And if our all our energy is driven towards the physical moment of connection, then we've missed a richness that I know we found in our marriage as well. Because it's like, okay, we need to deprioritize this so that we can really begin to explore some other areas that have kind of just gone unaddressed in our relationship. And we found just what you're explaining, that there was so much more there in terms of richness and fun and depth of relationship. It was like, wow. We didn't know what we were missing until we started to have some of these other areas. Really. And I appreciate what you said earlier, too. That. Not that. Okay, now we've all got it. Perfect. Now it's all figured out. No, we're still learning, we're still growing. But I know those areas are a lot further along now than they were when our disclosure took place. So. Yeah, I just. I hear and have experienced the truth that you guys are talking about.
Yeah. Yeah. We always say we haven't arrived, but praise the Lord, we aren't where we were, you know? And I think the arrival will be maybe in heaven. I don't know. You know it. But here, it's a journey.
If you guys arrive before you get to glory, write a book, sell a ton of them, because everyone's gonna know. Need to know how they're.
How to arrive.
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I. I think. I think we. We want so much to have everything now. Right. Because we're instantaneous. Everything has to be now. And. And this is a journey, and it is time. It takes so much time and involvement that you just see, you know, little by little, we are changing together, and it's not. Oh, yeah, we're there. And I think people want it to be instantaneous, and it's not. It's a journey. Like our journey with God. It's a journey with each other.
Yeah, well. And the only time we've ever really arrived is on our GPS when it tells us. But other than that, we're on a journey, we're in process.
