What Does Healthy Conflict Look Like? | Pure Desire Ministries

So let's talk about what is healthy conflict, and how would we differentiate what makes for healthy conflict versus unhealthy conflict?

Yeah, I just. I feel like it's all about the heart behind it. And so if it's just I'm having conflict or I'm engaging in conflict to be right, that would be something I'd say is unhealthy. But if I'm having conflict in order to bring about a healthier relationship or resolving tension that's in the room, or it's something that I'm doing with other people's purpose or benefit in mind, I feel like to me, that becomes healthy conflict. You know, if it's something where I know that, like, and this. This happens, I know I'm not alone in this, but there are times when we're traveling to a holiday, get together, and my wife and I know it's going to be stressful when we get there, and we're sort of avoiding talking about it because we don't want to have conflict and we don't want to have to have that hard conversation. But engaging in that, you know, we're in the middle of our drive over there kind of conversation that can seem like conflict is actually done for the benefit of us to have a plan when we get there. This is how we're going to handle it. And so that's healthy conflict, because it's looking forward to really a healthy outcome or something that helps us better manage what's going on in our relationship and in our context, that's just something at least Amy and I engage with. And obviously it's not comfortable, but it is one of those things that we know it's a needed conflict in order to get to that point where we can manage everything that's going on.

Yeah. And at the risk of, like, talking about something so current, and then you're always worried people in your life will hear you talking about it. I kind of had something like this just happened this week where, as everybody knows, we just had our big work week and summit. And so you can get a little bit on people. People overload, especially around holidays and things like that. And so I can tend to get anxiety going into a situation if I haven't had enough margin leading up to it. And one thing that I communicated with John even this week is I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling tension and anxiety and kind of like this passive aggressiveness in me. And I was able to sit with that and realize, like, I don't have margin Right now to engage in deep conversation, because I deep conversation myself out last week, and I'm, like, feeling depleted and. And just being able to verbalize that and say it and then go into this weekend acknowledging that. So that when we do have our family down this weekend, I can just almost like, preemptively go in and say apologize. Like, I am a little bit disengaged and exhausted from the week. So if I seem kind of lower on the conversation, that's why. And that has been a reoccurring theme going into our mixed family holidays, that sometimes I don't have that capacity because entering into a relationship where it's not, I guess, just, like, easy, you know, you have your people where there's. You can just sit on the couch and, like, it doesn't feel like anything has to happen to make it happen. It just happens. And so when I go into those other environments, it can be really hard, you know, to. To be on. And so just being aware of that and like you said, Trevor, just talking about it ahead of time, because more than likely, if you've had more than one holiday with your family, you know exactly where the trigger points are. It could be, oh, after everybody eats and has some drinks, that they're starting to talk politically or religion or, you know what, at Covid or any kind of topic. Or it could be, I don't like that there's organized name tags at the seats and I have to sit by somebody, whatever I want. Wow. Nobody's going to be the boss of who I sit by and who I talk. But there's all these things that, like, those are real examples from my life. And I'm just like, if you know me, I'm like, I do not want to be told where to sit, who to have conversations with. And so just, you know, thinking about that ahead of time and, like, mentally rehearsing what is, what is okay, and that we don't have to get worked up about. We just recognize it's not our way, but we're going to be fine with it. And then what are the deal breakers if. If Uncle Billy Joe is like, yelling at my daughter, that might be a bill, a deal breaker for me. And we talk about that, and we talk about what we'll say if that happens and what we'll do if that happens. So learning to let things go that are not a big deal is. Is going to be huge. And then we can just, like, excuse ourselves from getting worked up about it at all and not putting any drops in that bucket and Just realizing, like, that's the way they do it. It's fine. We already mentally rehearsed this. Sitting next to somebody I don't want to sit next to or.

Yeah, Billy Joe. Well, and I love the way you guys are talking about kind of being prepared ahead of time, thinking through situations before they happen. And as often as we can do that, great. But I also. The side I was thinking of. Many times, I think holiday conflict comes upon us in a way we just did not anticipate. You know, it's the. Everybody's getting ready for church and there's three different families and there's no one. There's not a good schedule of the bathroom and people aren't getting in, and now they're getting tense with each other. Like, no one really thought ahead about that. Suddenly, it's just happening. So in the moment, like, what makes for healthy conflict? There's two things that came to mind. One is just for yourself, having some rules that you're aware of that you practice when it comes to conflict, that, you know, like, I'm not going to resort to name calling if I feel that I'm starting to raise my voice. I'm going to excuse my. I'm going to even say, like, I need to step away for a minute. I'm going to take a time out. I'm going to. I've heard you talk about it, Trevor. I'm going to practice some deep breathing before I re. Engage. I'm going to. Some people account to a certain number before they speak their mind. Yeah. If you just have a few guardrails like that in mind that, you know ahead of time for the whole season, like, okay, if conflict comes up and it catches me off guard, I'm feeling attacked, or suddenly voices are getting raised. Here are some things I'm gonna practice. I think that can help conflict stay in the healthy realm. The other thing that comes to mind for me is really what is the aftermath. You know, going back to the Hallmark movies. And by the way, if Hallmark movies was anybody's drinking game for eggnog, they are gonna be really downing the eggnog by the end of this episode in a Hallmark movie. Like I said, it's that aftermath of coming back together, talking it out. The truth gets on the table, people come to an agreement. And obviously not every conflict will have that resolve to it that a movie can have. But I think when you're caught off guard by conflict, maybe you get emotional, maybe your voice gets raised, you say things you regret, unhealthy conflict Gets swept under the rug or it's just like we all just move on and like, oh, this is what happens every year. She yells at him, I yell back, we all get involved, people leave angry and then it's like, see you next Christmas. And we do it all over again. Well, that's unhealthy.

Yeah.

What would be healthy is the next morning a phone call or hey, could we, could we grab a cup of coffee last night? I don't like how it went and I'd like to own some things. Yeah, it's approaching the right person. I think sometimes holiday conflict is because people are talking around each other or about each other and, and not to each other and able to speak the truth in love. So to me that's maybe the biggest pie. If you find yourself in conflict and you weren't prepared and you don't respond well, which sooner or later I think all of us will say, I didn't respond well. It's what do you do next? What's your aftermath? What's your follow through?

And one things we haven't talked about too is just like, it's how you do it also makes it healthy or unhealthy. If it's like, you know, uncle Billy, Joe, you're being an idiot and I hate it when you do this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, okay, well, that, you know, you know you're going to create a rise in someone else, you know, when you do it that way. But if it's like, listen, I just want to put it out in the room. I really am not comfortable being told where to sit and who to talk to. There are people in this room that I don't get to see very often and I want to sit down and talk to them as well. And then just leaving it there. I mean, I think healthy conflict is also being open to the other side of the perspective and the conversation. And so if it's combative, probably not healthy. But if it's an open handed, still sharing your opinion and what you think and feel, I think that's helpful.

Yeah. And if you, I mean from both perspectives, like the person who needs to engage in the conflict and the person you're wanting to talk, talk to, if you have the understanding of that, you know, it's for under it is for understanding. I think that takes a lot of pressure off if you're not trying to change somebody else's perspective. But there's been times, even within work, which I, I would hope that it was considered healthy conflict where I don't agree with something and I'm able to say, I don't expect a change to happen here. I mean, it'd be great if it did, but at least if I verbalize this is my thoughts and feelings on this, like, I feel good that you at least know that this is how I'm feeling and thinking about that, and I just wanted you to understand my perspective, just like, putting it out there, that this is my perspective, this is how it's impacting me, this is how I feel. But I'm not here to try to make you change that unless it's, like, something where you have to have a hard boundary.