A short conversational video (podcast-style) exploring the psychological concept of a double bind. Speakers define double binds broadly—decisions that appear simple but are tied to deeper emotional costs—and use personal examples (notably Bob’s lawnmower/grass-cutting story) to show how avoidance can connect to feelings of failure, family history, and vulnerability. The conversation emphasizes that many apparent small choices hide emotional significance and that recognizing these patterns enables healthier responses and inviting others to help.
I think the one that comes to mind for me, and I kind of alluded to this earlier in the podcast, is the mistake of only looking at double buying that have a real tangible consequence. So, you know, for example, if I don't do a project at work and I think I might get fired, that's an obvious cost versus the pain of doing the project and maybe the fear of failure. But sometimes if it's not as obvious, if it's more an emotional cost, if it's something that might be hindering my relationship or just a part of my personality that's resistant to change, we can overlook those things. So it's like, well, I just didn't feel like it. But that's not a double bind, right? It's like, well, no, if there's resistance that you don't feel like doing something, you've got to ask that why? Question and kind of dig into the what's behind this and why does that feel like a fear to you? And so I think it's just encouraging people to get outside the box. And even if the cost isn't something tangible or practical, that it may still be a very real cost if it's something they're feeling or experiencing even in their own person.
Yeah. One of the ones for me is I think a lot of people, if they'll view something, maybe a decision or a double bind, and they think, well, that can't be a double bind because that's like very surface level and we fail to see the depth, probably that's behind that. Because if we're stuck on something, like if we're some stuck making decision, like, there's usually something that connects deeper. So, for instance, like, for example, I look out my window and I can see my backyard right now. I can see my grass. My grass needs to be cut. Other mower. And, you know, I'd find the time to do it. Okay. But really, there's a lot of double bind that goes into me cutting my grass because I have to ask my neighbor. And the reason I have to ask my neighbor is because I don't have a mower. Well, why don't I have a mower? I had a mower, but. So why don't I still have a mower? Well, I had a mower and I left it outside because we didn't have room in our garage. And so when I left it outside and I didn't cover it with a tarp, probably because I was just being lazy, it ended up, you know, getting damaged. And so I went to Start it. It didn't start. And so instead of me going and finding out why it didn't start, I ended up just giving it away to a lawnmower place. And I gave it all the way to a lawnmower place because it was an old mower. And I justified, well, I shouldn't do this. Whatever. But really what I had was the fear that if I tried to fix it, I wouldn't be able to fix it. And if I couldn't fix it, why not? Because my dad can fix a mower. My grandpa could fix a mower. So what's my problem? That I am not capable of fixing a mower. And the other part of it is, well, then why don't I just buy a new mower? Well, I don't buy a new mower because I'm not as good with my finances as I should be. And if I was better with my finances, then I would be able to buy a mower. And I feel like my stepdad would be really disappointed in me that I'm not at a better financial place to buy a mower. So instead of me buying a mower or having the mower that I used to have, instead, I have to ask my neighbor to borrow her mower. And all of that. It brings up for me these feelings of failure. So it's not just the inconvenience of having to cut my grass. It's not just the work that I have to put into it or finding the time to do it. It connects back to so much more stuff for me. And so we'd say, well, whatever. That's not a real double bind. It's just a guy to cut the grass. No, there's a lot wrapped up in that double bind. And so if we fail to pause and say, what's deeper here? Then we're missing the significance of that moment and that opportunity.
Yeah. You know, what you're bringing up, Bob, is just that we are such connected people that our emotions connect to memories and experiences and fears. And I think especially, you know, it's more the stereotypes type of men, but I'm sure women can do this, too. It's easy for us to compartmentalize our pain or our problems and just be like, well, I don't want to do that because it's hard. And it's like, well, why do you think of it as hard? And it often connects to things about our family of origin or growing up or skills that we do or don't have. And just the more we can unpack that and again, that's the risk of vulnerability, like what you just shared. Bob, it's very easy if I just say, well, I just don't feel like cutting the grass. That was my double bind. But if I could get to the root that the reason I don't feel like it is because I feel a little humiliated to have to ask a neighbor for help. Now it's getting me into my whole story. And that's really the value of the double bind. It's not I'm stuck because I do or don't like something. It's stuck because of the way it ties into all of my emotional stuff that we all have. And going back to something else you said, which I really appreciated is just how double binds don't go away. As we get healthier, I think our double binds might change or we might find that they are different. But in life we're going to have double binds because we are emotional beings. We can be fear driven. We've got stories that still impact us. So just the more we see and know them, I think the more we can face them. But not only that, the more we can invite other people into helping us face those things.
