A short conversational transcript of a YouTube interview (Nick Stumbo with Tabitha) offering practical guidance for pastors, group leaders, and concerned individuals who suspect marital abuse or coercive control. It emphasizes noticing patterns of power and control, approaching suspected victims carefully (one-on-one, with permission), not interrogating both parties together, maintaining confidentiality, having a church plan and resources for safety, asking gentle clarifying questions, and connecting people to professional help and local resources while providing prayer and support.
Chapters
Tabitha, for a lot of people listening, we have talked about some of the extremes and things that may be more common than we realize, but many of us might be feeling like, well, I don't think that's happening around me. And yet it might be. And something is happening around you. And so if we're a pastor or we're a group leader or maybe just a concerned person in relationship with others, if we suspect that abuse is going on, what. What is our role? How could we be a helpful part of someone facing their recovery journey? What kind of advice would you give to people that might be in that helper role? And this is kind of a new area for them, and they're feeling a little overwhelmed. Like, oh, my gosh, that sounds way too big. What are things they can do? How would you encourage them to be involved?
Yeah. If you start to notice those patterns of power and control. Now, let's say you have a guy in your group, you're, you know, one of the seven pillars leaders, and you're listening and you're like.
What?
You know, and. And they're not coming to the table. It's all their spouse's fault. Right. Because clearly their spouse is a narcissist. Right. Like, that's got to be the problem. Then that is something where you go, that. That's not a humble heart. And you can call that out, like, man, I think we're supposed to be talking about you here. Right. You know, tell me more about that. If you start to be worried, like, I think this might be going on, and I. If you have permission, if you're allowed to approach the spouse, then say, hey, I just want to check in. How are things?
Yeah.
You know, and give them space. And know that victims often give you just a little bit at a time because they're trying to see if you're safe. And so you're not going to get it in order because the amygdala does not think in order. No time and space in chronology. That's your prefrontal cortex. The thinky, thinky parts. They're all up in the feely, feely parts with abuse. And so know that you might not get things in order and you're not going to get everything at once because they need to know you're trustworthy. That also means that if you're a leader and you are hearing something, you don't start sitting down with both parties. You don't go back to the spouse and tell them everything, all that stuff, to be really careful. Right. And having access to Resources. So let's say you're like, man, I'm in the seven Pillars group at my church and I'm hearing these things and I'm seeing some things and this feels really off and I'm not sure what's going on. Then what resources does your church have that can then maybe come alongside. Do they have a care department that could come alongside the potential victim and get more information and make sure there's safety, you know, especially for the victim and the children, you know, what are the things that are in place? So if you're a church listening and you're thinking, really like to have a seven Pillars group, and now I'm terrified. Thanks, Tabitha. Then I would just encourage you again, get educated, get some more resources and then have a plan. Have a plan. Like, if this comes to light, what are we going to do? If you're a Seven Pillars leader, have a plan. How do we get a little more information without endangering somebody? And then if there's action to take, what does that look like? You know, and really learning a bit more and also not being afraid. Right. You are a Seven Pillars leader because it has helped you. Right. Most. Most folks that lead it. Right. Are former people recovering. And so you want to be someone who's a people helper. This has spurred your heart and this is just another aspect of people helping. And so what does that look like for you? Well, it might look like going to your pastor. It might look like giving someone a resource. It might look like praying. It should definitely look like praying, you know, and all of those things. And then talking about destructive tendencies and just making mention of it, like, hey, in your addiction, you know, what kind of destructive tendencies have you had? And asking some of those questions, using the material that is in the Seven Pillars program to help you out with that is really helpful.
Yeah. As you're sharing that, Tabitha, what comes to mind for me is the quote that don't let the good, all the good you cannot do, keep you from the good you can do. So don't let the fact that you're not a counselor, you don't know everything, keep you from some of the things you can do. If you suspect someone may be a spouse who is suffering, is a victim coming alongside of them, just saying, what do you need? What support? How can I be a part of moving you towards safety? Or if you're in group and you suspect someone may be that abuser or practicing coercive control, asking those questions, like Tabitha brought up of what do you mean when you Say you got a little mad or what do you mean? Ask those questions and try to get to the truth. And if you discover that there's more there being that encouraging voice to say we love you so much, to say, you need to get some professional help, this is not okay. And what do we need to do here? I think just practicing some common sense of love and showing concern and getting specific enough that we don't just let something happen along the edges that we're all concerned about, but no one really asks, gets in there. So yeah, maybe you're not going to be the one to lead them into long term change. Maybe you're not the professional, but you might be the bridge of care, of concern, of safety, of love, encouragement that gets someone to face that and take the steps that could lead to the kind of change that they need.
Yeah. And I would also say for you know the facilitators of groups, know your resources locally.
Yeah, right.
Know your local domestic violence shelter, know your local therapists that know what they're doing. If you need help with that, I'm absolutely happy to help figuring that out. And also know your biblical counselors. There are some biblical counselors I would not trust with abuse to save my soul, but there are some that are excellent. And you know, someone like me who knows a lot of them can absolutely help you get to the right ones if that is, you know, helpful. So really looking at what resources do I have so that you aren't going it alone. If you've seen one case of abuse, you've seen one case of abuse because they all have their nuances.
