What’s Next For Women After Betrayal & Beyond? | Pure Desire Ministries

We talked about taking the family of origin stuff out and there is still some, like the neurochemistry and understanding the addict brain. It's still there, but the sequencing has changed. And so with that, what should women do after going through this new version of betrayal and beyond?

Well, if you think about, and this is where I can come in handy because sometimes a woman doesn't know and there are multiple options. So betrayal, trauma, recovery in general is like a three legged stool where your spouse hopefully is getting recovery, you're getting healed and gaining stabilization and safety. And then the third leg would be, we need to learn how to integrate those. We need the addict to learn how to help the spouse heal. We need the spouse to learn how to start taking what she's learned in her group and incorporating it into her marriage and using good language and growing together, either rebuilding that, that trust and intimacy or building it possibly for the first time. And so sometimes that's where a lot of that family work can come in. Because now she's going to have to learn how she responds to things and, and want to integrate it. So it's her healing, his recovery and then their healing together would be a natural next step. But if you were like me, where you got in betrayal and beyond and you're like, I'm really an addict, reading about the addicts applies to me. My next step was to go through our material for women who struggle. And that was really good for me. And so that was my natural next step. Some people, they'll want to go through it again, they'll need counseling because they haven't really made a lot of forward progress in their healing. Maybe they're stuck. And as Dr. Steffen says, when we feel unsafe in area, we'll stay stuck. And so if the group wasn't able to help you get unstuck, which usually it does, then that may be an indicator that we need some one on one counseling to try to dig into those areas and figure out where we're still feeling unsafe. We could also co lead because if you have gained good traction on your healing, then co leading is a great next step because the betrayal recovery process is still, you know, just as long as an addict's recovery. And so you don't want to lose steam your second or third time through a group. And leading can be a great way to just offer that same comfort that you received and keep you motivated. I can't say how many times I would have just quit my group if I wasn't leading it because I'm like, I Don't want to do this anymore. But then I'd come and there'd be somebody who had some kind of breakthrough or was struggling. And I was able to encourage them because of my story. And it just gives you this deeper level of healing that you can't get alone from being a group member. And so, you know, some women, they didn't ask for this. It wasn't there. It wasn't their issue that brought them in. And so some women are like, okay, that was great. I'm so thankful. I need a little break. But there needs to be something afterward because it's not going to just be one year, you know, and then everything's better. And that's where I say if you need help deciding what your next step is, that's what the groups team here at Pure Desire is for. We have a really great women's team and we'll hear a little bit about what you gained, what you liked, what your story is, where you're still feeling some struggles. And then we can offer a good suggestion on a next step.

Yeah, well, and it's interesting too because we are always talking about that three to five year plan or that three to five year process. And so if you figure that this resource is nine months, then there is going to be something next. And hopefully this is going to set women up to then want to look at if there's anything from their past that they need to deal with, or if there's anything from their family of origin or within their attachment style or these other things that, that they're ready then to face those things and find healing in those areas as well.

Yeah, question off that. Let's say someone goes through this first round of group and still doesn't feel like they're ready for that. Is it okay for them to go through it one more time?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, a lot of times we see with the addicts and the betrayed spouse that they come in and, you know, they're in crisis, either in trauma or betrayal. Trauma or, you know, stuck in their addiction. And so that's why when people go through the second time, the first few chapters are like, I don't remember, I don't remember answering this. And I can't believe I even wrote this because it takes, it's like the first few months of being in group is like breaking this denial and starting to feel safe enough to look at things. And, and then the second time you go through group, you're, you're really in a good place to just dive in and you, you. You weren't really there when you went through it the first time.

Yeah, I'd say in many groups, sometimes that first time through is triage care. It's stopping the bleeding and the pain. And the second time through is like physical therapy. It's learning new rhythms, and it can be the same material and very, very different experiences. A couple of things I would add, particularly for those couples that are looking to rebuild the marriage, that are trying to create that connection with a spouse where both have been doing some work. If you haven't seen our video Series Sexual Integrity 101, I know for many couples, the ability that you can stream that and just watch it at home starts to bring together your stories in kind of a very introductory, basic way and open up some of those conversations. So that can be a great tool to use as a couple or if it's being used at your church, to join in on one of those groups. And then another resource that we have that when couples particularly are starting to feel traction and are ready to go to some of those deeper places together to use the couples Workbook, Connected. It's a very, very powerful resource and it's deep. So we do caution people like, this isn't just a surfacey like O3 tips for better communication in your marriage. It's like, what are my core wounds that create triggers? And what are yours, and how do our triggers play off of each other? And it's going to take you into some of your stuff, but if you're feeling traction because you've done group or maybe you've done counseling together, that Connected workbook is a powerful tool for couples to use as a second step. So either one of those could be a good place for women who are finding that desire to return to some health in their marriage and to begin building something together.