In this YouTube discussion, John, Matthew, Speaker C, and Nick Stumbo explore why many Christians turn to pornography as a coping mechanism and what healthier alternatives exist. They argue that porn use often stems from underlying emotional pains—such as feeling unloved, unsafe, powerless, or defective—that are formed early in life. These pains trigger the brain’s fight‑or‑flight system, which treats emotional threats like physical ones, leading people to seek quick relief through compulsive behaviors like porn or excessive phone use. Matthew emphasizes that merely trying to change behavior without addressing the root pains is ineffective; once the underlying issues are resolved, positive traits (the “fruits of the spirit”) naturally emerge. Speaker C expands on the idea of core pains and the importance of inviting God’s truth about identity into the narrative of that pain to enable regulation. Nick references the “Genesis Process” recovery workbook, highlighting how biological stress responses (e.g., storing fat during threat) also drive sexual behavior, and how recognizing perceived versus real threats can empower individuals to choose healthier comfort strategies. The conversation blends biological, psychological, and faith‑based perspectives, concluding that understanding the pain, reframing identity through Scripture, and adopting alternative regulation practices are key to breaking the cycle of porn addiction.
Chapters
I mean, such a common thing is, you know, Christians are turning to porn for comfort because they feel things like anger or stress or loneliness and rejection. And Matthew and Jenna, like, why do we turn there? But also, what are healthy forms of finding comfort and regulation? Because those are good things, right? To your point, porn is an escape. What are some healthy outlets of that?
Yeah, we do it. It's biologically, right, really a thing that goes on in us very naturally because our bodies are designed for self-protection, right? We— if we didn't have self-protective mechanisms, you wouldn't see humans walking off cliffs and into traffic, right, on a constant basis. And we'd be going, oh, what's wrong with us? And so we have these biological guards that say, hey, if something feels dangerous, problematic, threatening, right? Uncomfortable. We, we want to move away from it, right? And that's the way that the brain is designed to protect us in that way. The problem is, is the brain tends to categorize things in big kind of chunks, and it says, hey, any discomfort, any problem, I'm going to move away from. I'm going to move away because it feels like a threat to me. And that threat can be physical or it can be emotional. And what's really interesting is the brain doesn't really distinguish between the two. It doesn't care if it's a bear in the room or it's a relationship that's breaking down or feels disconnected. To the brain, it feels exactly the same way, and it triggers those same responses, which is what we know really commonly as fight or flight. Where do I go from this, right? Anger represents that fight. It's usually about, I'm upset, I'm mad, I feel like there's been an injustice, something's not right, and I want it to change. Flight is that I can't do anything about it. It's hopeless. I'm powerless. And so I just want to run from it. And so porn and these compulsive coping behaviors that, that really destroy the things we care about, is that designed to get away from that threat? And so it's really about being able to recognize, wait, the process is pulling me where I don't want to go. How do I turn in a different direction?
Yeah. And so understanding, right, right, you kind of already named understanding the pain that's driving the behavior is going to be key. And understanding how if that behavior is withdrawn to porn or withdrawn to my phone, either one is destructive. I have to deal with both of those by getting at the core pain. Because if I still withdraw, even if it's not into porn, eventually I'm going to go back there. And so going to that pain and understanding— what's so interesting is that most humans have 3 to 4 core pains that they feel whenever they get emotionally triggered. And so— and that's because their pain starts being shaped very early on in their life, right? From the time they are being born, their pain is getting shaped. And those pains are the way that their brain interprets the world around them whenever they get triggered. And so it might be unloved, it might be unsafe, it might be failure, defective, powerless. But figuring out what are those pains that are getting triggered that tell my brain, I don't like this, run away or fight back, right? And then dealing with those, getting to the root of it, not escaping them, not running away from them, but going, what does that look to actually heal them? What does it look like to invite the truth of who God is, who God says I am, into that narrative of pain that I carry around with me? And it's in that— and that's a long process that takes a while to do that work. But as I get more connected to those truths, I gain the ability to actually regulate the pain in those moments so I don't have to run away to those destructive coping behaviors.
Yeah. And what's really wonderful is that one of the mistakes that people make is they think that behavioral modification is going to be the solution, that if I can stop doing this bad thing and start doing this good thing, then I'll be okay. The issue is, is that I'm not doing the bad thing because I sat down and made a conscious choice to do the bad thing rather than the good thing. You know, this was my frustration growing up in church is that, you know, they say like, don't lie. I know that. I know I'm not supposed to lie. But yet every time that somebody asks me about the real things that I'm ashamed of, lies come out of my mouth.
Yeah.
And so it's really recognizing about if I resolve the underlying pains, then the behaviors stop. And what's really interesting, what we see in the people that we work with, it's incredible how the fruits of the spirit start to naturally flow from them, right? They, they aren't necessarily having to think about what's the good thing that I have to do. They actually start to, to show those things really naturally. They just kind of come from them and they, and so they, they more naturally connect. They're more, they're more honest and vulnerable and gracious and kind because they're no longer protecting against that pain. And so that's why we really focus on that, because that's truly what unlocks people.
Yeah, that is all so good. Uh, I remember the first time that I went through the Genesis Process, the great recovery workbook by Michael Dye, and he talked about, you know, why do you eat so much under stress or, or fear? And he talked about that biological response, what you were saying, Matthew, of like, in our bodies, if war is coming, if there's threat, famine, we up to gain the fat stores so that we can survive what's coming. And then within that chapter, he says, and we do the same thing with sex, that God wired into our biology to make sure we procreate and continue the human species when there's threat. And yet, as you also pointed out, we don't really know the difference between real threat and perceived threat. And I just remember looking at that kind of biological response and going, oh my goodness, I'm just running to something that my brain is kind of made to do, but I don't realize that I'm trying to satisfy a fear that's not truly there. And so I know when you say that there's a biological response, some listeners that may be new to this field are like, ah, really? I think it's just hormones and desire. That there is a part of how we deal with fear, how we deal with stress and discomfort, that a part of our brain goes, oh, this is what we need to do to protect ourselves, to survive. And yet survival's really not at stake. And so if we can learn to recognize those messages, learn to, to see maybe the false alarms that are going off in our brain and recognize I don't have to go in that direction. I can choose something else. That really, I think, gives us not only handholds for change, but an avenue to deal with that shame. Because we realize, oh, it's not just that I'm bad, wicked, perverted, messed up, whatever voice we hear. It's somewhat my brain trying to find that comfort. And that, I think, can be very empowering to say, oh, Well, I can find other ways to get comfort. But if our belief is just that, well, I'm just perverted, that's a really difficult battle to fight then, because you're like, well, how do I change that? It's just who I am. And that's what the shame message convinces us is that is who I am. And so, yeah, being free of that and just seeing like there's a biological brain response here and I can heal, I think is very encouraging.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense to me. I think about all the times in which I was so deeply comforted Uh, like, in my pain, right, to your point of like, we run to like other things just to find comfort. I remember in my first year of recovery, for anybody who's potentially beginning this journey, my friend started joking that my name, just J-O-H-N, John, they made like a little acronym using some of the letters, just on the phone. I was constantly on the phone. I kept going, but I had been wrongly attached to pornography and masturbation for comforting and soothing. And in group I felt like I got invited to rightly attach to others to find comfort and soothing. I literally remember saying in my first year of addiction, like, I think I swapped addictions, but now my addiction is talking to other people, which doesn't help because I'm an extrovert, right? The whole audience is like, yes, John, we understand you're an extrovert. But I'm like, man, I felt like I swapped addictions. But at the same time, I'm like, but maybe that's just how we were meant to do life, in right relationship.
