In this YouTube discussion, Nick Stumbo and three participants explore why rebuilding trust in a marriage affected by addiction must extend beyond addiction‑specific behaviors to every facet of daily life. They argue that consistency, integrity, and transparency across all domains—personal habits, professional conduct, and household responsibilities—are essential for a spouse to feel safe and to give their heart. Small actions such as not taking the phone into the bathroom, reliably taking out the trash, and being fully present with the family serve as powerful trust signals. Nick shares his own experience of realizing that emotional engagement—being mentally, physically, and spiritually present—was more important to his wife than merely checking off recovery‑related boundaries. The group emphasizes proactive communication: regularly asking the partner what behaviors demonstrate growth, offering honest check‑ins, and being willing to risk uncomfortable feedback in order to adjust and strengthen the relationship. Overall, the conversation presents a holistic view of trust that integrates everyday habits, emotional presence, and ongoing dialogue as the foundation for a healthy, recovery‑supportive marriage.
Chapters
You know, there's a trust that gets broken because of a relapse or because of maybe lack of transparency in related to recovery. But then there's also that trust that is broken that is not necessarily directly related to the addiction. And so when that happens, then I pose the question to you guys, why is it so important, uh, to work to build trust in all the areas of our marriage, not just the areas directly related to the addiction, but everything else, you know, like even like how we use our phone or little thing— little but big things like that. Why is it so important?
Yeah, I'll loop back around to the concept of consistency in all areas, just not this area that's been incredibly damaging, but it's everything. A lot of folks who show up at PD, alcohol is part of that profile that promotes slippage. And so that's an area that we often say during this process that goes on the shelf or remains on the shelf. Right. And so that's, that's just one area, but consistency is the key in all areas of life. Uh, not just the addiction, but the relationship, um, their professional life, just their integrity. That's what we're talking about, is walking out integrity and honor in one's life.
Mm-hmm. And it, it goes back to that, you know, that idea of transparency, being able to be open and really doing life together. It's sort of that different concept of it's not my stuff, your stuff. We really are building that foundation together of what does this new season, this new normal look like for us. Yeah. And it's really important that we're together on that and we're doing those little things, you know. Not taking the phone into the bathroom when we've already talked about this, right? I use the example, it sounds silly, it really sounds silly, but you know, for the spouse, the betrayed spouse, if I'm depending on my spouse to take the trash out and he doesn't, it can be a really big deal for me because it is just one of those chinks in the armor, right? I want to see that I can trust him in all things. So that I can feel safe giving him my heart.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Beautiful. Yeah. In our recovery journey, one of the things my wife communicated often that she was looking for was emotional engagement to be not just in the room, but to actually be present. And I remember there were times I would feel, I guess I'd say frustrated by that because like, man, look at all these things I'm doing good. But it was when I realized that this was a trust issue for her, that if she saw me being emotionally present, not only with her but with our kids, you know, not disengaging to the newspaper, the TV, the phone, whatever, being relational, asking, you know, showing that I was clearly present in body, mind, and spirit, that did more to build trust than simply following my boundaries. And I think for a long time I missed that because I am kind of a checklist, you know, accomplishment. And the boundaries like, oh, haven't gone there, haven't done that, haven't checked, check, check, check. I'm doing great. Great. But if, like, if I'm in the room only half present, then she's like, what's he thinking about? What's going on? So I think it's looking at that holistic view of life and asking our spouse at times, like, what are the behaviors? You know, not just checking in that I'm on my way home from work— that, that's good if, if there's been trust issues there— but from a more holistic place, like, what helps you see that I'm taking recovery seriously, that I'm growing, that I'm becoming more healthy? Like, what are those things you're looking for? Because I think if if they sit and think about it, most spouses realize they have a few areas. It's like, when I see you doing this, I have confidence that you're becoming a different person and not reverting to old addictive patterns. So those are good things to pay attention to.
It's going back to him being that man I thought he was when I married him. Oh yeah, it's going back to that.
Referencing, uh, Nick's statement that, you know, I may be doing great, but it's super important to check in with her. But how are you doing? How are you? I feel like I'm doing well. How are you? And that opens up the door of communication for her to share. This is what makes me feel safe and secure with you, and these are areas that feel like they might be a blind spot. Yeah, can we work together for you to address them?
Exactly. It's you, it's, it's him, it's, it's being willing to take the risk to ask that question knowing that you may not get the best, the response you want to get, which then means, okay, then how, how do we work together to change this? How, how can I move towards you and you towards me?
And I think it goes back too to the value of, of having a, some pattern of check-in in your relationship where I'm able, uh, in the areas that problematic in terms of breaking trust, that my spouse doesn't have to check up on me and say, well, are you following this boundary? Are you doing that? Um, that was at the check-in where I could self-report and say, hey, here's what I'm doing to have integrity on my phone, or integrity at work, or when we're not together, here's the things I'm working on. And if there were any areas of, of slippage there, breaking a boundary, to own it proactively. Because I think that's another thing where spouses fear, like, I just have to kind of live on edge, and if something happens, when will I know? And will they tell me. And, and that's not a great place to live. So to be proactive and say, every week I'm going to just check in with you, I'm going to give you some updates, and if there's something I need to own, I'm going to own it there. And hopefully in small ways, you know, I'd, I'd much rather have to own like, hey, I was, I was casual with my phone use because I've committed to not be on my phone, you know, in the bedroom. And on this day I took it in there when I was not really thinking, but after a few minutes like, oh, I'm breaking a boundary. I'd much rather have to, you know, have a conversation about something more relatively minor like that than have those occurrences build up over and over and over until I have to admit to a new relapse or a pattern of relapses. And so I think that's where you build trust in those small increments by proactively reporting on how you're doing in those areas, that then your spouse doesn't have to live in the fear of what don't I know.
