A YouTube video (Nick Stumbo upload) featuring Sam Gill explaining that a betrayed spouse cannot be said to 'cause' a partner's pornography problem. Gill summarizes 2010 research finding that women betrayed by partners' compulsive pornography use do not show higher rates of psychopathology than the general population and that their primary source of distress is marital distress. He stresses holding two truths: betrayed partners are victims and, separately, some betrayed adults may have psychological or family-history issues that complicate healing and should be addressed in treatment. Gill also emphasizes that pornography exposure often begins very early (commonly between ages ~7–13), that pornography shapes sexual development differently than affairs, and that pornography use is deeply problematic and harder to treat for several reasons.
Chapters
One of the misconceptions that we've run into over many decades is that there's some. Something fundamentally broken or pathologized about the betrayed, that somehow, you know, they've let themselves go. They were codependent. They. There was something in their way of showing up in the world that caused a spouse or partner to turn to this material, which is just inherently an insulting message. But it's deeply flawed. And in 2010, I was part of a research group, and we wanted to look at this very question. Is there something different in the profile and makeup of women that have been betrayed through pornography, compulsive pornography use? And what we found was, no, they do not have any higher incident of mental health issues, psychopathology than regular population. The main source of distress for these women is marital distress because of the conflict caused by this issue. That's where they stand out, is the marital distress. Now, I want to say I'm going to trust the audience to be able to hold two things at the same time here, because I think there's a disservice in my field that says all, you know, don't ever suggest that betrayed adults need to work on themselves or have issues to address there. There are victims here. Treat them as victims. They're only on the victim side of this coin. And I do. I want to say very clearly to the audience, I do not believe it's possible to cause a pornography problem in someone else. I do not believe there's anything someone can do that makes someone go act out in these ways. Okay, so in that respect, yes, betrayed adults are victimized by these choices. At the same time, I do see, as a betrayal trauma specialist, there's a rise in mental health issues across the board, and there is a need to address at some point in the treatment issues that may be exacerbating the response to betrayal. Does that make sense? Yep. So there is a place to say, look, this was not your fault. Let's help you. Let's establish safety boundaries and make sure that she's not seeing this as a commentary on her worth as a person. But for a growing number of betrayed adults that I work with, there is a need also to say, let's look at the past. Let's look at family dynamics or things that set up some of the ways the response to the betrayal has been intensified or even dysfunctional. So I hope holding those two things at the same time makes sense and is not confusing. We know that the primary distress is marital distress. These women are not more likely than the regular population to have psychopathology or psychological issues. And for a growing number, there are psychological issues we need to address that are complicating their healing process. That does not mean that's the cause of the betrayal. And I think that's been a source of confusion and misunderstanding in the field for far too long. So that's something that I think is really important. The other thing is that I really want to. I hope I can convey this in the way that I mean it. I, as a clinician and someone who's done a lot of research on the impacts of pornography, it worries me when people will minimize pornography and they will only hold up with alarm, full blown adultery or crossing the flesh line. I want to say loud and clear, engaging in pornography is deeply problematic. Deeply problematic. And there's a few things that actually make pornography issues harder to treat. And I'm highlighting this in answer to your question because I think this is a misunderstanding. We will minimize pornography. Oh, well, phew. Thank goodness it's only pornography that he's looking at. No, I've never met someone that started an affair at the age of 9 or 10, but I have met many, many, most of people are starting to look at pornography, especially in today's world, between the ages as young as 7, you know, 7 to 13 is the common window for exposure. So pornography use gets braided and integrated into the psych, psychosocial sexual development of people very differently than what we see with affairs or crossing the flesh line. That's a serious issue for sure. But pornography introduces deviance, distortion, changes in beliefs very differently than sexual acting out later in life. And so one of the misconceptions that I run into a lot is that, well, you know, that's bad. You know, it's too bad that her feelings are hurt that he's been doing this secretly. You know, what does that mean about her? Is she a prude? Is she not sexually available? And it's just, I think, deeply misogynistic and insulting. No, this means that he's had this issue for a long time and brought this into the relationship. So I think understanding some of those pieces really shifts our orientation to be helpful to these men and women to understand. Look, there's a lot to unpack here and there's some real digging out that needs to happen. Sam.
