Why Pastors Often Feel Unequipped To Handle Sexual Sin

Let's dive in. I'm mentioning it a little bit, but why do you think many pastors feel unequipped or hesitant to respond when someone discloses sexual addiction or betrayal trauma?

Well, it's a pretty scary topic, especially if the person has not had any kind of training before to know how to respond or to understand what it even is. So I think that's the first one is just lack of knowledge and so lack of comfort, not knowing what to say, what to do. So it's really good that we're going to chat about that. I think another reason may be sometimes the leader's own issues that may be going on. And so they say, well, I don't have integrity with this right now, so how in the world can I step into this with this other person? And I think that's a good reason to not step into it if you are struggling yourself. So that might be an issue as well. But most of the time it's because they've really never understood or had information given to them about, you know, what is this? Is this really an addiction? Why is this woman, this partner, responding so strongly? I don't know what to do with that. She's really too big. So it's just overwhelming. I think, for them, that's why they just need a little help.

Yeah. I think about the conferences we've done, and one of the questions we will ask the audience is we'll say, how many of you grew up in a home that talked openly about sex or sexuality or sexual things in a positive manner? And routinely less than 1% will raise their hand. I mean, in a room of 300 people, there might be one hand that goes up. And I think the same could probably be said not only of our homes, but of churches in general, that it's just not a topic we discuss. And I think, particularly older generations, I mean, my dad and I have had that conversation where he said, it just wasn't something you talked about at church, at home. It kind of just kind of got left in the shadows. And so I think about that, that pastors are real people growing up in real families and real homes and churches. And if they grew up in an environment where it was never discussed. And then, as I've already said, you know, most seminaries and Bible colleges don't really teach on this or make this part of the class curriculum. So now you've gone to seminaries that don't talk about it, and then you're the pastor. You don't even have a context or a framework to know, well, how would I bring this up? What do I say about it? I mean, certainly there's Bible verses I can point to that give, you know, kind of the moral direction of what's sin and what's honoring to God. And that tends to be the big issues or the obvious things. But beyond, you know, teaching right and wrong, I think a pastor feels like I just don't have a context for it. And it may be like, if someone came to me and told me they had some disease or ailment that I had never heard of, and they're looking to me for help, it's like, what am I supposed to. Like, I've never heard of this. Go talk to someone that understands it. And even though we are all sexual beings, I think a pastor may feel that way. If someone says, I've been acting out in this particular way, or I've been addicted to pornography, if it's not their world, if it's not their context, like, what do I even say? And so I think you're right. That lack of knowledge, lack of training, and lack of just familiarity with the conversation itself keeps us silent. And yet the truth that we are all sexual beings and we're all facing some level of sexual brokenness, growing up in a fallen, sinful world says that we can be more conversant, we can be more educated in this, because it's not a bizarre, unique thing for a few people. It's part of our human experience. And I think that's a lot of what we want to do in our conversation today is just say, this can be something that, with a few helpful ideas, some basic understanding, you can get a person pointed in the right direction without having a master's degree or a doctorate on this topic. You don't have to be the expert to be a helper.

No, no, we want them to be helpers and to be able to respond with care, compassion, and empathy. Sometimes a first response might be around a sin issue. Well, this is sin. You need to stop it. And so you give a prescription like that, rather than leaning in and listening to, tell me more about this. What is this like for you or what just happened to you? So having the conversation around it, I think is the first, most important step for a pastor or a leader. If someone is brave enough to come and tell you this, then lean into it and ask and have that compassion. Don't just jump to Bible verses and managing sin.

Yeah, yeah. Being willing to have the conversation, being open to it, a vital step. Let's talk a little Bit more about that. Other steps from your experience, what are some of the most helpful first steps a pastor can take? You know, someone knocks on the door, comes into their office, says, can we talk? And they disclose, you know, ongoing sexual addiction or sexual struggles in their life. Or maybe they're the betrayed spouse and they're revealing what their partner's been doing. What are some of the initial steps? You know, as they're having the conversation, what else could they do in that initial conversation to really be a helper?

I think the most important thing is when you are being a helper, listen. And listen to understand, not listen to be able to respond really fast, but listen to what is this experience for them? How did this happen? How are they feeling about it? What is it that they might need? Or what are they looking for? But listen to understand the experience, to understand the emotion. Usually if someone is coming into their faith leader, they're coming in either because if they're struggling with their behaviors, they're at their last step and they just don't know what else to do. So they need something, they need encouragement, or they're coming in and they are in crisis because this has just been found out. If it's the partner, she just discovered it. So they are in crisis, they are in pain, they're confused, they don't know what to do, and they're so afraid that people are going to make judgments about them. So listening to understand gets to their feelings, their experience, what they're asking for. So be curious about it rather than definitive, giving them definitive next steps. You must do this. Have you done that? So fewer questions. Unless it's questions like, wow, what is that like for you? How can I help you? What are you hoping I can do to help you today? So ask what it is that they're looking for. Think those kinds of first responses will show that you're open and that you, even if you don't understand, you want to understand them and their experience and their needs. And that's going to help them feel safer and heard and cared for. And that's what pastors want to do, right? We can't care for the sheep.

That's a great word. And it reminds me of some of the things, as I was a pastor, that I would try to focus on is I may not have felt like I was an expert in the area, but I did feel that I was equipped and called to be a spiritual guide and resource in that regard. And so often we find that people are deeply struggling with their view of God, with Their belief about whether his anger or judgment or wrath, or just feeling like I can't even pray because of the things I've done. I'm sure God's not listening. And, and I think there's a lot of rich area there that a pastor can gently wade into of like, you know, where are you at in your prayer life or your relationship with God? Or do you, do you, do you see him as someone with you in this pain or standing off, you know, afar judging you? Because I think there are many areas that we can provide as pastors and leaders, you know, spiritual comfort. And that may, you know, that's not the same as putting someone on a healing pathway. But there can be a lot of, I think, unresolved misconceptions and lies that we believe about God within our sexual struggles. And I think a pastor is tremendously equipped to help in that area. And then one other thing that comes to mind when I would be having these conversations, I knew that in my role and how I saw pastoring, I wasn't going to be the long term person walking with them. And I often didn't have the capacity for many meetings or check in calls, but I knew that they were going to need people around them that were committed to walking that road with them. And so that's something I would very often be trying to think about hopefully while I was listening, but thinking through who are others in our congregation that this person maybe knows or has connection to or that are available that would likely have that time and capacity to really walk the road with this person, to be even that daily check in phone call of hey, can I pray for you? How are you doing today? Because if I know that's not me, then I'm looking to say who could that be and how could I help create that connection? Because I do know, and I believe pastors know this, that ultimately if someone is in crisis of any kind, but particularly maybe around sexuality, they're going to need community, they're going to need support. And how can I create that? Of course, you know, with what we do at Pure Desire, you know, we would hope they would have a group to recommend too, but we know that many churches don't. And so that can be the starting place if there's not an immediate group context available. Who is another person that I trust with maturity in this area that could become a real ally or support, whether to the betrayed spouse or the struggler, because that can really give them hope to know. Oh, there are people that understand this that I can go to and that can be an ongoing support as I walk this journey.

Yeah, that really brings up something. Had lots of conversations with people who have gone to their communities of faith at the time of crisis. Maybe they're exposed or discovered or it's the betrayed partner, and they have a conversation with this faith leader and then they never hear from them again. And they're not provided a link to someone else who might be able to take on that role. So I think that that's really good that you highlighted that if, if, you know, Pastor, that you only have limited time and I can talk with you for an hour today, but I know on my schedule I'm not going to be able to see you again for three months, three weeks. Then be really clear and honest about that and say my role is going to be your first contact, and then I am going to help you find the resources and supports that you need, rather than feeling like you are the one that has to take it on, because of course you can't. You have other things you need to do. But being the pastor can be being that first person that has compassion and empathy and care and then refer. Refer them on.

I'm glad you said that, because in my own story, that was something I experienced where I felt deep conviction. And in practicing. James, chapter 5. There were several points in my story as a, you know, late teen and in my 20s, I would confess to someone, a pastor, a mentor, a friend. And in many of those cases, I think I carried, whether I ever understood it or, you know, consciously was thinking about it or not, that I had an expectation that now that. That I'd confess that they were going in some way to help bear my burden, that they were going to at least occasionally circle back. Hey, how are you doing? I've been praying. And a few did, but many more, several more, never. It never came up again. And so it created even this awkwardness of I've, you know, not come back to them every time, and I'm still kind of stuck in this pattern. They're not asking me. And it actually, in a couple of those relationships, created a little bit of this barrier of now. I'm not sure how to bring it up, but they're not asking. And I think maybe I carried an expectation that now that they knew and I brought this burden to them that they were going to participate. And if that wasn't their expectation, it would have been great for that clarity and. Or to even every couple of months have someone come and say, hey, we talked, you shared. I'm so proud of you for the honesty. How are you doing and how can I help? A simple call or conversation like that could be really life giving.

Yeah, I think that that makes all the difference. Defining what your boundaries are. This is what I can do, this is what I can't do. But here's someone that will be checking up on you. Or is it okay if I check up with you once every month just to see how things are going? The most pain I hear from especially betrayed partners is feeling like they, they came in and they shared everything and then were never talked to about it again. Or perhaps they received a message like, well, thank you for telling me and please don't tell anyone else.

Yeah, wow.

You know, kind of putting in this, this shame kind of feeling to it of I can hold this for you but don't share this around because that might interfere with your loved ones work in the church or whatever it is, but having that person then being told, don't share it with anyone, but that's not helpful. I know in my experience, I called one of my pastors, he saw me immediately. He was wonderful. He cared, he leaned in, he gave me some ideas. He then had a conversation with my husband. He was wonderful. And then he didn't really contact me any longer. He did with my husband, but I didn't. As the betrayed spouse, I didn't have someone that I could regularly contact with through my church. And I find that's a very common experience for the partner.