A short conversational transcript exploring why people avoid assertiveness. Speakers identify personality traits, upbringing (including oppressive or religious environments), negative past experiences, and fear of conflict as barriers; they also contrast ‘keeping peace’ with ‘creating peace,’ noting assertiveness can be a learned and constructive skill exemplified by Jesus as a model of truthful, non-manipulative confrontation.
What might be reasons that we aren't assertive? What keeps us from sharing openly and honestly about our needs or our wants in certain situations?
So I think there's a lot that goes into this. I think there are personality types that tend to be more passive just in general, or people who are shy and so they are going to be less likely to be assertive. I think there are times when we are raised in an environment where being assertive wasn't valued at all. And so we were basically, when we wanted to express how we were thinking or feeling about something, we got shut down. Or we were raised in an oppressive environment. And so maybe that wasn't a freedom that we used. And I just think too, that recognizing that being assertive is a learned skill, it's a learned behavior. None of us are born with this capacity, and yet it develops too.
I think especially in those environments you're talking about that maybe were oppressive. Or I think there are times when we do share and we are assertive and it's a negative experience, and so we don't want to recreate that scenario again. But then also, I just. I think that being assertive can often create conflict, or for some people, has often created conflict. And that fear of conflict and not wanting to be in that discomfort, I think is a really good deterrent to being assertive.
Yeah, the environments we grew up in, I think, say a lot about this, like you were mentioning, Heather. And I think in a way, religious organizations can fall into this category where we encourage a unity that's maybe a false unity, where keeping the peace, you know, not making waves, not being the, you know, the sore thumb that sticks out and is complaining about things. It's like, well, I just won't say anything. Well, I'll just. Better to get along than to make an issue of it. And yet we don't realize that it really is creating a false peace. Because very often those situations, people who are choosing not to be assertive are then going and grumbling or complaining to the wrong people. They're spreading rumors. It's becoming this undercurrent of dissatisfaction because no one was assertive. And so it's like, well, we look unified, maybe from the outside, but inside things are actually getting worse. And if we grew up in environments where that was just kind of encouraged, like keep the peace, get along, we might not have seen healthy examples of being assertive, which honestly is somewhat ironic because when you think about Jesus in so many ways, he was assertive, and appropriately so, without controlling, without anger, without manipulation. But he said what needed to be said. He spoke the truth. He called people out. He called people to integrity and to honesty and to dealing with their stuff. Even had very harsh words for the other religious leaders. You know, he didn't keep the peace. He was here to create peace. And I think that's part of what assertiveness helps us think through is the difference between keeping peace or creating peace. That in keeping peace, we choose not to be assertive. But if we want to truly create peace, assertiveness may be required.
