2017 MDT See How They Run

T! T! T! Oh, is it true or false?

A woman's work isn't never done, huh? Pump it for me, Miss. Thank you, Isaac. Don't mention it, Mama. I'll tell Mrs. Toop you're here. You need me. She's in the ballroom.

There is no need.

Will you let me speak? There is no need to disturb Mrs. Toop.

I want to see the vicar.

I get it, brother. Ah, this is too much. I do not want to. Off to you in terms of the minute I am here. Put my bicycle by the hearth.

I think we ought to toss a ring.

Yes, Miss Scrooge. And I just don't try it. We'll eat. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, very well, Ida. I didn't know you could ride a bicycle, Ida. Ah, good afternoon, Miss Skewton. I'm so sorry I wasn't here to receive you. Penelope didn't mention that you were coming to tea.

I'm glad you've both come to tea, Miss Skewton. I really wanted to see you.

Yes, well, tea is in, so won't you join us? I'll do some stuff. Penelope? Penelope? I told you, she'll begin to exercise the sheets off the doors. Never mind, we'll begin, shall we?

Mr. Toope, I am hurt.

Oh dear, where?

I am hurt. Grieved.

I'm sorry, Miss Evelyn, I'm afraid I cannot offer you sugar.

No tea, thank you. Mr. Toope, I would most appreciate it if I could have your undivided attention for just 5 minutes.

Vagance? Why, of course, Miss Gooden, certainly. Vagance.

Andrew, it is the church decorations for the Harvest Festival.

What is?

Mr. Toope, have you been dissatisfied with my contribution to the church decorations in the past?

No, I don't think so. Why?

You will remember that I have always decorated the pulpit for the Easter and Harvest Festivals. It has always been my special little effort.

Everyone knows it.

Why, I have decorated pulpits since—

since time immemorial, I know.

Not quite as long as that, Mr. Toomey.

Of course, I must speak. Please do go on.

This afternoon, when I arrived at the chapel to do my little bit, what do I find? The pulpit has already been decorated behind my back.

Who was that to do such a thing?

No one will tell me. I have my suspicions. Mr. Toop, I have no quarrel with you. We have always been the best of friends, have we not?

Of course, Miss Pippa, please have a cup of tea. No, thank you.

Wonderful friends.

So I hope the time I've had to chat with you does not— Mr. Toop!

I find it rather difficult to concentrate with that dreadful noise!

Your DIY singing.

Oh, yes, it is a little disturbing, wasn't it?

Penelope! Penelope!

Father, is that you?

Yes, my dear.

Ask Heidi to bring the tea in, will you?

Tea's already in.

Oh, go easy on the muffins.

Penelope, Miss Skillet is here. Who? Miss Skillet.

What about her?

She's here. Oh, don't breathe down on her. Miss Skillet is hurt.

I mean, in terribly sorry.

Such a keen sense of You must now skip away. I—

Mr. Toop, I will come straight to the point. I have reason to believe that the portrait was separated from me by my back, by Mrs. Toop.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. Sir, Miss Starwood—

Of course I have nothing against Mrs. Toop personally, nothing at all. Although there are some who might get It was quite the thing for the vicar's wife to appear in the village wearing trousers. Even in these times, as I always say, Miss Took, we must remember that Mrs. Took was an actress, an American actress, before she married you.

Mrs. Took was also the niece of a bishop before I married her, Miss Gillian.

Oh, yes indeed, but of course, the stage, curious profession. Miss Gillian! Oh, you must forgive this, Miss Gillian, but I have to Right from the bath? Of course, Mrs. Toombs, one does get so dirty decorating the church.

That's why—

Wait, wait, wait. Well now, who has been mother?

Mother?

I mean, who poured the tea? I'm dying for a cup, but I'm frightfully superstitious. The English say that if two people pour from the same pot, it's a sign of a row. Or that one of the pourers is going to have a baby. We don't want one yet, do we, Lionel? I'm sure Miss Gilligillan doesn't.

This is true.

By the way, darling, do you think Mr., what's his name, will mind?

Mr. who?

Oh, you know, Mr., uh, your friend who's taking the service for you tomorrow.

You mean Humphrey?

Yes, of course, Mr. Humphrey.

Mr. Humphrey is not a friend of mine, Lizzie. I've never even met him.

Well, do you think he will mind?

Mind what?

Oh, well, darling, we ran rather short of chrysanthemums, so I'm afraid the pulpit's mostly decorated in turnips and leeks. Now, Miss Gilliam, a cup of tea? No tea, thank you. What have I done wrong now? It's no use pretending I haven't ever been strayed. The air is simply charged with righteous indignation. So, Lionel, will you run away like a good boy so Mrs. Gillan and I can let our back hair down and scratch each other's eyes out? I did not come here to see you, Mrs. Drew. My man wants to travel. This will talk with her vicar. It is the most exasperating fact, Mrs. Gillan, that after every one of your little talks with my husband, he and I get one callous row.

I am sure Mrs. Gillan only wishes to be helpful. She has known the villagers longer than we have. She She has more of that gossip than you do.

I'll see she does. Mr. Toop, I will not stand this being spoken! Mrs. Toop, you have been in this village for nearly a year now. During that time, I have never done anything but try to befriend you. Then it must be my fault. Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Millar, but the fact remains that every time we meet, I am seized with a wild desire to jump on the village green, tear off all my clothes, and dance Dance?

A hula hula?

If you did, Mrs. Toop, we might be shocked, but I doubt we'd be surprised.

Wait a minute.

Was it this time, soldier in the jeep?

As a matter of fact, it is not. In fact, Miss Gillian mentioned that to me yesterday. It was a most unfortunate incident.

You co-waving to a soldier in a jeep? An unfortunate incident? This was of as much importance as madness, Mrs. Toop.

You know to whom you waved, you You hoot! You hoot!

So I did.

Did you know the Sultan, Elsie?

Not from Adam. In fact, I hardly had time to notice him. He just waved and you hooted, so I waved and you hooted back. Didn't I, Miss Gillian?

I'll be coming soon. We're with his wife, Shirley.

I'm sorry, darling, but there are times I forget I'm the vicar's wife and behave like an ordinary human being.

You're not the average sex doll.

Well, you're not going to hang it in front of Miss Skilling. You need not worry about me, Mr. Tooper. I am going. I'm sorry that my good intentions are being so misunderstood. Goodbye, Mr. Tooper.

Miss Skilling, I beg you, stop.

Please, don't think anything of it. I hope I can forget and forgive. I think I'm broad-minded. I'm sure you are, Miss Skilling.

Penelope, see if you're a bystander.

Thank you, Mr. Tooper, but I am perfectly capable of mountain by myself.

Aida! Yes, Mom?

You can clear the tables, Aida. Yes, Mom. Somebody has his head caught in a tape. It's mine, I don't want it taken away. And you haven't had no muffin! You haven't been letting her upset you, have you, Mum? You know why she's got a knife into you, don't you, Mum? I think so, Ida, and so does everybody. Well, I'll say this for her. She tried hard enough, but if she'd have landed it, it would have been Gord head over heels.

Now that the iron's clear, a scene!

I knew it!

I knew it!

Off we go! One day I'm going to strangle that woman! What did she actually come up about? I never did find out.

The pastor told her to decorate the pulpit for the harvest festival.

What about?

The pulpit has always been Miss Gillian's territory.

Oh, darling Milo, I didn't do it purposely, I swear I didn't. Of course that old cow will never believe it.

You know, women in your position should behave with a little more decorum.

You mean I should act as the vicar's wife a little more?

Not act, but be the vicar's wife. That is the trouble, Penelope. Can't you forget that you've been an actress your whole life and behave more as you fit the niece of a bishop? And just how is that? The only other bishop's niece I know has been before. Emily, you're deliberately trying to provoke me. May I ask you just one question? Was it absolutely necessary for you to walk about the village in trousers?

Why on earth shouldn't I? They're comfortable and serviceable and they're economical.

Maybe, as Miss Skiffen says—

Robin, a woman with a bottom like that, St. Ainslie, she'd only live in bush camp.

Where would be the stain of this in your vulgarity? Oh, and another—

Patricia!

What is it, Ida?

It's Willie Briggs from the farm, sir. Hazel went out the back door.

Seen her once. May I suggest, Penelope, that you go upstairs and dress? I'd rather be beside you in trousers than without. She's still here, Mum.

Who are you talking about, Liza?

Miss Skiddington.

She's in the garage. What is she doing? Be there.

Bicy—

I functioned it purposely. No, it was fine. Hello, this is the big bridge. Miss speaking. Who? Uncle! Uncle Dudley! How lovely! You're right, tomorrow. But why not tonight?

I see.

Then make it as early as tomorrow as you can. Why not? I see. You're a wicked old man. Well, you take a lot of looking up to. No, I can't explain it now. It would take too long. Yes, Uncle. See you tomorrow. Yes, goodbye.

Who's that? Uncle. Uncle who? Uncle Dudley. Uncle Dudley? Uncle Dudley? Uncle Dudley? Uncle Bishop?

Who's Dudley?

Gracious, would I, would I, uh, um, what was that about staying tomorrow?

Dad, there's no need for you to get so excited. He's staying the night in Badcaster at the Cross Keys and coming on here tomorrow.

Cross Keys? But that's such an indifferent hotel. But I suppose he wouldn't know that. Even a bishop could order Bishop here tomorrow. I'm not taking his service.

I know, aren't you lucky?

I beg your pardon?

Darling, Uncle is very proud of the fact that he memorizes his sermons. If he saw you reading yours, he'd cut me out of his will. And in any case, he's purposely arriving tomorrow to be too late for the word of God in service.

What?

No, human. Do you think we can get something something decent for Uncle Scream. All we have at the moment is a bottle of very bad cooking sherry.

Shall we get it?

Anything you can. Use your sex appeal. Uncle's very broad-minded.

I'll see what I can do. Penelope, I wonder if I should go now.

Where?

To a family dinner with the Leecings. They're putting on a concert for the American airbase. Colonel Briggs has just come to tell me that the pianist is growing ill, and as they cannot find anyone else to ask, I will have to transport him.

Why shouldn't I wish to appear tomorrow as I have never mentioned. Darling, I don't think there is any need for you to prepare yourself for the occasion. Off you go and enjoy yourself.

I should hardly expect him to be pleasing himself as he enjoys himself. Although I fear I must do it. Briggs is waiting for me now.

Will you be back late, darling?

I don't think so. Although Briggs did say something about a supper after the concert. Apparently that is the principal feature of the evening.

Oh, please, sir. Will you break scissors?

Where were you, where were you, sir? Time's getting on. Same across. You sure you won't be coming tonight, darling?

Good heavens, no! Why should I be?

Go back. Well, go upstairs and put a few more curls on. You're not out, Ida?

Yes, sir. Ida, would you come in tonight and put a couple of hot water bottles in the spare room bed, will you? We have a guest arriving tomorrow. Oh, what? Oh, my uncle, the Bishop of Lax. A bishop? Ida, don't be late. You know the vicar doesn't like you out after 10. Americans or no Americans. The trouble with you is, Ida, You haven't got no—

What do you want, something, Mom?

I didn't see you there, Ida.

I saw you.

I suppose you know you've punctured my bicycle. Oh, Mom.

I never!

You're a very careless girl. I was wondering if the vicar might help me. I'm having a little trouble with my inner tube. I'm sorry, Lady Lloyda, but it's gone out. Out where? Out! Has Mrs. Toop gone too? No, she hasn't. She'll be down in a minute. Well, then, that's just what I want to say.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Ida, is this a friend of yours? No, not yet. Excuse me, are you Mrs., uh, are you the vicar's wife?

I am not.

Oh, good. I mean, it doesn't really matter. Did you want to see Mrs. Toomey? Mrs. who? Mrs. Toomey.

The vicar's wife. Did you want to see her?

I don't really know.

I beg your pardon?

As a matter of fact, I am trying to find one. Indeed?

Do you mean a special one, or would anyone do?

A very special one. A very old friend of mine, actually.

Why come to the vicarage? There are no young ladies here.

None. I may not be what you call a lady, but I've got me feelings!

Quiet, Isabella! Haven't I seen your face before, young man?

Seen me before? No, I don't think so.

Yes, I'm quite certain I've seen your face before. I have a very good memory for faces.

Well, I've had it a long time. Penelope! I— Sweetheart!

Oh, what are you doing here?

Looking for you. Heavens!

Oh, the vicar is out. I'm afraid he won't be back until rather late. I'll call again. Oh, Master Luca called very early this morning. I think that is Well, really.

Oh, Ida!

I am—

this is an old friend of mine.

We used to be on stage together. It's all right, Mum, you don't have to use a sledgehammer to get rid of me.

Moon, moon, moon, that's what I want to be. Well, you certainly got rid of that in a hurry. More trouble with the catfile gal?

Miss Dillon, every time I see that woman, my temperature rises at the price of another record. Oh, never mind, Curzo. It is a pity I embraced you in front of her.

Why?

She won't sleep until she's told my husband.

What? Your husband? I say, you're not Mrs. Boop-a-doop, are you?

Boop-a-doop, darling.

Boop.

Don't make it worse than it already is.

But you're not, are you?

I am, and have been for nearly a year now. But why? What do you mean, why?

What? Well, I don't know. I mean, you, a vicar's wife. The last time I saw you, you were a young actress bursting with ambition, and now here you are living in England, an old married hag. No, not yet.

Well, there's no mystery about it, Clive. I knew Lionel— that's my husband— when I was a child. We played together. Then my family moved to America 18 months ago. When I came back over with the USO, we Met again, fell in love, and here I am.

Oh, what's your career? Oh, that?

Oh, my acting isn't what you'd call brilliant, was it?

Oh, I don't know, not too bad. Are you happy here? Perfect.

Although sometimes I do lose my sense of humor and want to scream the place down.

You do? But what about you?

I mean, what are you doing here in uniform? And why the way that you have No, thank you. I'm sorry, all we have at the moment is a bottle of very bad cooking sherry.

I haven't brought anything to cook.

Tell me about yourself.

Uh, well, thanks to our Russian friends, my discharge hasn't yet come through. I've just been seconded from Berlin.

Seconded where?

Uh, Wadden, the airbase there. Very unimportant job in the airless Berlin.

Lionel has gone there for this evening. He's playing the piano for the village glee singers. They're giving a concert for the Americans.

Poor Americans.

Oh, Clive, tell me, how did you know I was here?

I saw you yesterday. You saw me too? I was in a jeep. I thought you recognized me. I waved at you and you waved back.

Oh, good heavens, is that you?

Yes, I saw you turning at the gate here and thought, well, maybe perhaps you were staying at the vicarage. Seeing as I had the afternoon off, I thought I'd look you up.

Thank goodness you did, Clive. I was just wondering what I was going to do to pass the evening. Oh, all the same, I don't think we ought to stay in the house.

Why not? It's a very comfortable house.

Yes, but except for you, I'm completely alone in it.

Ah, I see. And, um, Mrs. Skinner? She wouldn't approve, Agatha.

She wouldn't approve? But how she'd love it! What she'd make of it!

Well, then we'd better go out somewhere.

Yes!

Oh, but where?

There's nowhere to go around here.

Oh, we could always go to the pub. I suppose it wouldn't be quite the thing for the vicar's wife to be seen in the village pub with an American soldier, Agatha, would it?

It wouldn't be quite the thing for a vicar's wife to be seen in a pub at all! And we might go to a movie. But wait a minute, could you bear to put your mother inside a theater, or would it break your heart?

Theater? What theater?

We have a little theater room. Ah, here we are. This week in court— No! Oh, I can't believe it!

I guess it's the court's sweetie pie. Listen!

This week the court players proudly present Noel Cowards delightful comedy, Private Lives!

No!

How many weeks did we tour Private Lives in the USO?

43.5. Those were the last 3 nights at Worthertonville.

Would you dare to see it tonight?

Dare to? I'd love to, though I'd probably be thrown out of the theater for shouting out the lines in my own part.

Then we'll go.

Half a minute. Where is this?

Blackbird. It's a few miles from here, and there's a bus.

I'm sorry, my dear, the trip is off. But why? Blackbird is out of bounds.

What does that mean?

Simply that if I were to be caught in Blackbird in uniform, I'd be shot at dawn and they'd cancel my next leave.

But why is it out of bounds? For what reason?

My sweet, in the army there is never a reason for anything. One of the brass hats probably thought it'd be a good idea, what?

It's a shame, just think, we could have gone over there, had a meal, seen the show, had another meal, and come back on the late bus.

My dear, you must be hungry, but as you English say, we've had it. My purse, won't you?

Oh, let me help you.

Help yourself.

Excuse me, Ida, haven't you gone yet? Yes, Mum? I've been and come back. Yes, but why have you forgotten something? Oh, yes, Mum, Mr. Chips's trousers.

What?

But you know, Mum, you said you wanted Mother to fix the hole in the, um— Oh yes! Of course, I brought the whole suit down this morning. Here you are, I would say. Ask your mother to look at the jacket first. Oh no, this isn't it. No, Mom, this is Mr. Toops's second best suit.

How many suits has he got?

Three.

Black market.

Well then, where have I put the other? Uh, I'd better go and look for it. Yes. No, wait a minute!

I think I know.

Just wanted to lay my hands on it to Sorry, Clive.

Won't be a minute.

Turned out nice again, as it did.

Not at all. I— Yes, that.

I'm Ida.

I beg your pardon? I'm Ida. Oh, I'm so sorry.

No!

I'm Ida! Oh, you're Ida! Yes, I've been very glad about that. Do you know who I am? No. Eisenhower is the name. Go on, you're pulling my leg. As if I would.

But I think you're ravishing.

Oh, Ida, that's beautiful. We must go to the pictures together some night.

Oh, but I won't have another night off until next bedtime.

Never mind, heaven can wait.

Here you are, Ida. Ask your mother to do the best she can with it. Don't worry, Mom, I'll draw my picture, you won't know it. Could you make it so Mr. Tooth can wear it? That's all I ask. You're such an active one, dear Mom. I'll fetch a pack of facing on. I better put this one away. Oh, oh, no, I can do that. Have you brown paper and string in the kitchen? I think so. Well, uh, run along then. You have made a hit!

Thank you, Morsel, that. Ida?

Oh, she's an absolute joy. I wouldn't be without her for the world.

Oh well, one man's pajamas is another man's nightshirt. Can't get away from that.

Never mind about Ida. Listen, Clyde, I've got an idea. Turn around!

What, Sharon? Really, you want to? What is this, medical inspection?

99. You're near enough for size. You can wear this.

What?

Lionel's other suit.

What? But me, a barfoot? Don't be silly, darling, I'd be court-martialed.

You go as a civilian. Who's to know you're a soldier?

Oh yes.

Private Liesblatt, a dinner and a lovely dreamtime.

All right, but don't forget I have to get back to camp in uniform.

What time are you due back?

Any time before midnight.

We shall be back just after 10, which gives you plenty of time to change again.

Won't your husband object? I keep a quiet house myself.

So will he when it's too late to do anything about it. But we shall be back long before he is, so he need never know.

But suppose— Suppose nothing!

If anyone asks any questions, Say your name is Humphrey.

Why Humphrey?

Oh, he's just a man coming to take the service tomorrow. Now go in there and change.

Wait, wait, wait, let me learn my part. My name is Humphrey. I've come to take the service tomorrow. I shan't really have to take the service tomorrow, shall I? No, Humphrey.

Of course not.

Why else would I go in there?

For the simple reason that I shall be in here.

Oh, I see what you mean. But I'd like for it to be put on record that I don't like this. I've played in too many plays where characters have done this sort of thing and something's always gone wrong.

Yes, but it's always righted itself by the last act. Now go on, get changed, and leave the door open so I can talk to you.

I still don't like it. I don't—

don't put her in here!

I'm not!

I'm just making sure she's gone.

Ah, that brings back memories.

You mean the song?

Yes! Every night you come to court, the suspense of wondering if you'd manage to start on the right note. Fine! Already happy of knowing that you haven't.

I beg your pardon? Oh, I beg your pardon.

It's all right. You're too late. What do I do about a collar?

Oh, you can wear one of mine, Holmes.

Dog or otherwise? Dog.

Oh no, I refuse!

I will not be refused! I will not add sacrilege to my other crimes!

Turn around! And hold still, or I'll choke you.

What are you doing back there? Oh my, steady! I'm eating a skeleton!

At this moment, I wish it were!

What size is this collar? Just this big. Just 15! And I teach you 16! Still, what is an inch amongst friends? Do me a favor, swallow my cant.

There. Now, I've got to put this somewhere where it won't be found.

And where it can be found when we get back.

This will do. Nobody ever goes into this room.

Chest.

Oh, nothing in it but tennis rackets and Lionel's old golf clubs.

Of course, I look like a fountain pen. What do I do with the bib thing?

It goes inside, silly. Oh, I'm really looking forward to tonight. I wonder if the girls will I wonder if the man who plays Elliot gets as many bruises as I used to. What do you mean by that?

You know very well what I mean. The fight at the end of Act 2.

What about it?

Have you forgotten when you used to lose your head completely and nearly strangle me? I did not! It's a blow that was supposed to knock me off my feet. Never once did you get that blow in the right moment.

That is a deliberate lie.

Never once.

Why?

Well, I beg your pardon. Once.

Thank you.

It was so simple. I remember just how it was supposed to go. Every night, you're out the door, your line was, "Beast! Brute! Swine! Devil!" You were supposed to hit me on the devil.

Well?

Which I invariably, but I was quite unprepared for it, got it on the swine.

That's because you would move away from me. If I hadn't gotten him then, I still and had to cater across the stage to catch you.

My dear girl, look, I was on the pole. You were on top of me.

I remember that over and over again.

Listen, can you remember your lines?

How can I ever forget them?

Then I'll show you what I mean. Go from your line, "This is the end." You remember?

Yes, yes, I was here. Ready?

Fire away.

This is the end. Do you hear me? The end. Finally and forever! You're not going like this!

Oh yes I am!

No, no, no! I am!

You're cruel, Pete! Shut up! Shut up!

I've been married to Dick all my life! You're making me blind!

Extraordinary. Is that you? Where are you? This is kidding!

And with him sporting on the green his little grandchild, Willoughby. Chris!

It's kidding! What has happened to you?

I'm a better man than you are, Gunther Tate!

Empty. Almost. Miss Skinner, do you feel well enough to stand? Sit up! Oh, wait. Oh, yes. Get her in a certain condition. My legs!

What's the matter with my legs?

My legs!

They hurt! Coordination. That woman, she struck me!

What? What woman? Miss Gilbert, what's happened here tonight? Nothing.

It shall be a covenantal secret.

Covenantal secret?

When I saw what that woman was doing to you—

To me? What woman?

My heart bled for you. No wonder she wears trousers!

Great.

Listen. Oh, baby, so tender, these soft little lefty ivies. What's that?

California, here I come! What have I done? You're kidding. You're kidding. Sit up and drink this. Well, Joe Boyce, I am feeling so swell. Why? What happened? Do you know who is still in here to meet him?

I shall sign you up. I have to sign in the witness box.

Yes, Blake speaking. Who? The police? Oh my goodness, yes! Oh yes, Sergeant. What? A Russian spy? Escaped from the guardhouse of the abbey? Why, of course, one cannot be too careful. Is he armed? Oh, then I'll be sure to take every precaution. Thank you, Sergeant. Good night, good night. One thing and another. Just kidding. Miss Gilligan, wouldn't you like to go home? Who, where? Dangerous character, a crossway. Bring him here.

I feel like a viper who has tasted blood.

You know what you're doing. Oh, I'm wondering, you can't make me accelerate before the fact.

Over and over with my own eyes I saw it.

Over and over I saw them.

Sweetheart, he called her.

I'll have to summon a bit of scene history.

My lips are sealed. Over and over with my own eyes I saw it.

But you don't say what you saw.

Mr.

Spook, if you have forgotten, so have I. Miss Gillian wants to stay the night. What? Miss Gillian is not well.

She needs whipping!

I am!

Tighten her now!

Don't laugh at me, girl, I'm not a pensioner! I am not responsible for Miss Gillian, sir!

You have to get over the fucking cherry!

I'm so asking stupid questions. And go prepare bed for Miss Gillian! Hurry back and hurry give Miss Gillian a sit! Hello, is that French? Oh, is that you, Mr. Chairman? Yes, the Vic is speaking. I was wondering if my wife had called you this evening. You see, a Russian spy has escaped from the guardhouse of the airbase. Yes, armed too. Well, thank you anyway, Mr. Chairman. So sorry to disturb you. Good night. What was that? Uh, anyone there? Coming up! You want to pass under this door? Should not be enough to lock. Wait, I don't— where's my movie set?

Dad, Mom, bring the bread!

I did not ask you for your crude observations, girl. I asked you Do you know where my hockey stick is?

It's in the chest there, where it's always been.

I don't want to miss my little bridge party.

Don't worry, after ice cream tonight, I'm partying.

Good gracious, Anna, please get in here.

See you in a while.

I presently will. Anna, did you lock my door when you came in?

No, but I meant—

Well, lock it at once. But I— Don't stand there gaping. Lock my door and come back here at once. I want to speak to you. I'm afraid something terrible has happened in this house tonight. So your conscience has been pricking you at last? Watch it, girl! Hello? Hello? I mean, why? What do you want? I want your clothes. Stair! I can look! Eh!

What's going on here? Mr. Toop? Mr. Toop?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Pickleberry! Where am I? You have no right to be in here.

I don't know what has happened. That's what I'd like to know. Did you see where he went? See who? Irma, Mr. Tooper!

Oh yes, I saw. What a rough and tumble.

Dreadful. You and Mr. Tooper! And you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, sir!

I know what I've done!

Don't get down! If this becomes known in the village, I'll be a ruined woman! Never have I touched a drop of alcohol in my life before! Are you there? It's gone! Oh, my God! You mustn't see me here, not like this.

You can walk.

Of course I can walk.

The spirit is with me. What will they find if you look in my handbag?

Ah, let go! Wait a minute! You stay right there.

No, no, no, no! Anyone else want to? You are done. What Mrs. Drew is expecting here?

Come on, you're rolling this.

How has she gone?

Did she say when she would be back?

She never said. She was going. I suppose Mr. Drew will be with her.

Shall I say something?

Yes.

Has it all right again?

Yes, I suppose it has.

We wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.

I suppose there will be room for me somewhere.

Yes, somewhere. Somehow.

Who are you?

I'm Isa.

Oh yes, Isa, that explains everything, doesn't it? Eh? Just what are you doing here?

Well, I'm Isa. Oh, I'm the maid.

The maid?

Of course, you wouldn't ever think it, seeing me all dressed up like this. Mind you, if I'd have known you was coming, I'd have slipped into my uniform even though it wasn't really my hour. You Well, sit down and I'll get you some supper.

Don't tell anyone! Excuse me, I'm a bit flat out tonight. Yes, quite. I'll just put these things away. What was that noise? What? That was me. Please be wise.

It wasn't—

I'm your right. I'm your right. You have my sympathy. I'm going to touch Now again, mine's in the arm. Mine's in the closet. That's right, you're right, that's right, you're so right.

Young woman, have you a brother in this house?

I haven't a brother at all, boy.

The lunatic came in here just a minute ago.

He attacked me with a rod of iron.

I'll fetch the soda water.

I don't want any soda water! I want to know who it was that attacked me just now!

Perhaps it was a marauder.

A what? A marauder.

I've been reading about them in Weekly. In this one, the hero of the story is his name. He's searching for raisin mangoes and he's crawling through the desert.

He's tired and thirsty.

This brute is hot as red-hot cinder and he keeps You have been out here too long!

There's a mad fellow in there!

Run!

Run! Run! I should be sick, I tell you! A lunatic, clad in his underwear, came in here and threatened me with a lot of violence!

Did you see where he went?

I— no. No, I didn't.

That's all right, Ron. Just sit here and take a day's sleep.

But you're bored. Penelope! My dear!

Uncle! Oh, this is a surprise! But sit down, my dear. You said you weren't coming until tomorrow.

I know, my dear, but that hotel simply too awful for words. After dinner, I merely packed my things and fled.

And you've been here all alone?

No, no, not alone.

Oh, you mean Ida? It's all right, Ida, you can go to bed.

I'll look after the bishop. It's quite all right. I can tell Mrs. Stoop what's happened. But I get named like you mean it.

Never mind about the stealing now. Ida, just put those bottles in the Bishop's bed. Not those bottles, Ida!

You'll have to get other bottles.

Ida, let me fill those bottles. Just as I thought, they're stone cold. Go and fill them again and use hot water this time. What is the matter with you all? Oh, shall I take your coat, Martha?

No, thank you.

I can do that myself. All I ask of you is to fill those bottles again.

Oh, I thought maybe best.

Well, Uncle, it is nice to see you. Have you been here long? What is that noise?

That—

that's the radio.

I'll go turn it off.

Well, well, Uncle, you must be tired. Why don't you go to bed?

Nellie B., I do not want to go to bed. What is the mystery?

Mystery, Uncle?

Oh, it's no use you standing there acting yourself silly. I want to know what's wrong.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't you, eh? Why behave so freely? What's the matter with that maid of yours? And who was the lunatic that attacked me just now?

What?

I'm not saying all of that again. I merely tell you that a lunatic, a wild-eyed creature in a state of undress, came in here and threatened me with a poker. Uncle! He disappeared as mysteriously as he came, and as your maid and I achieved rather clumsily, I lost sight of him.

Why don't you sit down? I'll put my coat away and we'll talk somewhere quiet.

I do wish you would stop trying to humor me. I assure you I'm in complete possession of all my faculties and— I tell you again, I've been attacked by Woozie. He came in here almost naked and threatened me with an arm fire. Manny, are you dead?

Where was I?

Just a minute. Where was I talking to me? What is it? What are you doing there?

Praying.

What are you doing without me? She fainted. Why? How should I know? Does she always say? How the fuck should I know? Well, really, don't supplicate that man. Help me get her onto the sofa. There we go. Kathleen, I'll dump the chocolate bag. Michael, I'll give you some money. I can't understand this. She was perfectly all right when she left me a few minutes ago. It must have been the shock of seeing you. What? I say, quite beautiful little fellow, I'll tell you that. You can be sure that it will be best if her eyes fell on you first when she awoke. Why? It will give her confidence. I doubt it. Come along, darling, have a little dinky wee. She'll be all right in a minute. I say, have you got a straw or something? My dear, true. What did you say? I, I, I said nothing except for my dear, true. Oh, now don't laugh so. You're not going to faint, true, are you? No such luck. Oh, now shall I have to pour some more? Yes, get some more. Oh, oh yes, well, such callousness is astounding. It's tantamount to slaughter. Tantamount to slaughter. What is the matter with everyone in this house?

Where has he gone to now?

Two! Two! No thank you. Someone there! What are you doing down there?

I?

The boss? The last? So Sunday's collection? What? Don't bother. Found it. Did she come around? No, doesn't seem so. Quickly, you give that to Randy, I'll put these in the feet. Should we put a cold key down her back? I don't know, is that usual? Yes, of course it is! I know, you stay here and you give her the brandy while I go see if I can find my uniform and get a key. There's no need to run anywhere, I have a key right here. You what? Oh, the key to the floor box? Oh, that is much too small. We have quite a bit of I'll take this back. My dear, true. What? Now you stay here. You give her the brandy while I go get the key to the vestibule. You don't mean she's coming around?

She?

Why? Let her see you first. Go on, say something. What should I say?

Anything, anything.

Sing to her, it may soothe her. Someday I'll find you. Uncle's behind you!

Oh my God! Brandy!

Brandy! There, there, my child. There, there, my child.

How long does it take to get a divorce?

What?

How long does it take to get a divorce?

There, there, my child.

Stop hitting me!

Ow! I can't get up off the floor.

Say I may.

What has this man done to you?

I haven't done anything, have I?

Before Wife, sir? Why are you addressing your wife? His wife! His wife! We never should have had that last gin and lime, eh? Gin! To that seat! You're both inebriated! Rob! No, no, we're shocked! Skilling. Well, what are you going to do about it? I'm going to get that poop out there every. I can't be bothered about that until I know that why you hung it up to water. Coping with that. I'd like my uniform.

This situation calls for uniform.

They're moving in there. Hurry. Do go. Please. Let me get my uniform and I'll pass on through life forever. wasn't just all invaded in my diocese. I came here hoping to find you two were supposed to fill that vacancy, but it— Oh, go away! Go away! True, I thought you were called to the church, but it would appear you were called to the bar. Oh, little rat!

The unspeakable little rat!

Oh, oh, I wouldn't call him a rat. Under normal circumstances, I'd say he's quite a cheery old soul.

What are you talking about?

Your uncle.

Well, I'm talking about my husband!

What am I going to do? I'll tell you exactly what you're going to do. You're going straight upstairs to your dear uncle's room, and you're going to explain to him that he has made an absurd mistake. I am not your husband, merely an old acquaintance. Your husband is a very good husband who at the moment—

at the moment is locked in the arms of a woman in that closet.

What?

It's true, I tell you. Lying alone in there, locked in the arms of that woman.

What woman?

There is only one fat woman in my life, Miss skilling.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

I'm going to get that poop out there and break the law!

But we're just playing your way. I can't be bothered about that until I know what my new husband's up to. Well, while you're coping with that, I'd like my uniform. This situation calls for uniform.

They're moving in there. Hurry, do go, please.

Let me get my uniform and I'll pass on your life forever.

I've got to explain you away to Uncle. I want you there on the spot while I'm doing it. Now, you go, please.

Give me the uniform then. Here it is. No, it isn't.

Hey, it's gone.

What? Gone? What? It's like the fog. Georgie, have mercy on me.

Now then, don't lose your head.

My head? I lose my head, what does my head matter? I've lost my uniform, how do I die?

For heaven's sake, Colonel, that is lost cannon. In 1862, you can buy another one, can't you? Buy?

Buy another kidney? Strength doesn't come from hearts. I can't live without my uniform, tell me that!

Use your imagination, go as you are and try to get Colonel to keep his mouth shut.

Listen to the woman! I want my uniform, do you hear? I want my uniform!

You're not talking to one of your brass hats now, remember? This is the sort of behavior they teach you in the army. The sooner you resign, the better.

Resign! Resign! Resign! Please be quiet. Every remark you make is more stupid than the last. Get a hold of that halfwit Peters, I don't know, whatever her name is. Has she seen it?

Why should she have seen it? And in any case, how am I supposed to explain how it came to be in the chest in the first place?

I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I walked by it before.

I cannot understand how it got moved. Nobody ever goes into that chest, not once in a blue moon. We don't know who did it. And it's right here, lined with old golf clubs.

Look, I am on my knees. Don't! I beg you, don't just stand there and pour oil on an already blazing inferno! Do something! Get my uniform off!

Stop rocking about on the floor like that! You're taking all the crease out of Lionel Sickert's trousers!

To hell with Lionel Sickert's trousers! What about my trousers? Where are they?

Or, worse, I had an old kit upstairs. Go back and get it! And say you transferred to the Gorgon Highlanders.

And what my uniform?

If you say that again, I'll hit you!

You don't get it! I'll go straight upstairs to the bishop and tell him everything.

You would!

Would I? I want to know the kind of man your husband really is. He's learning to. He's learning to. All the love, all the love. I was near the inn today when I heard people shouting down here.

Oh, we were just having a few words, that's all.

To me it sounded like a drunken brawl. Now look here, sir! I am looking, sir! Oh, mother!

Excuse me for one moment. Would that help a black a few by the back?

Shall I go?

No, uncle, you stay here.

Oh, I object to be in the way.

Then don't hold Sir Roger.

I do wish you wouldn't keep on calling me uncle.

I prefer you call me Ned. But, Mama, Ned!

Yes, Mama. Good night, Mama. Good night, Hermione. Don't call me Hermione!

Elsa, please, you're breaking the chandelier!

And don't forget, you two, to explain to that creature that I am not the Archangel Gabriel, nor the Aga Khan. And as for you, sir— where has he got to now? Troom, toom, toom! Oh, there you are. So I am. Anyway, as I was coming down the stairs just now, I couldn't help but overhear what you were both saying. We got a sergeant like that. Penelope, what is going on in this house? Nothing.

Nothing at all. We'll talk it over in the morning, and please do Go to bed.

I will not go to bed until I know what is wrong here. I heard this man speak. He said if you don't get it for me, I'll go straight upstairs and tell the bishop everything. Now what did he mean by that? Nothing.

Nothing at all. Did you, dear?

No, my sweet. Oh, really? And I suppose you meant nothing when you said he loved her? I wonder the sort of man your husband really is. Tell him the truth, Penelope! Don't let him blabber on like this! Blabber, sir? Yes! No, Penelope, I'm speaking to your husband.

He's not my husband!

What?! He's not my husband!

I'm not married to him! What is that thing I should face?

What was that noise?

I think it was an owl.

An owl? An owl? Anyway, it wasn't an owl. It sounded to me like it came from inside the house.

I think it came from outside.

What's the matter? You got something in your eye? Oh, outside! Yes! Came from outside? No, I'm sure it came from inside. There it is again! I know, the lily pond!

What?

Someone must have fallen in the lily pond!

We haven't got a lily pond!

Of course we have a lily pond, everybody's got a lily pond! We must have a lily pond! Come on, we should really investigate! But I don't trust that lily pond! What are they doing up there? They're having a fight. But they're nice and little. In there! In there! Oh, a man! A Mr. 2!

Miss Gillian, please be quiet! How can I be quiet?

A man!

Miss Gillian!

Don't shout at her, she's fainted!

What was that?

Someone's at the front door! No! Get a straitjacket! Call the wagon!

What are they doing up there?

They're having a fight for their lives, their little cheeks. There's somebody at the front door, Mom. Or has been for hours.

But I can't let anyone in here until we get this killer outside.

You handle them.

I'll manage him. I've managed them quite a lot, have I? Shall I help you? No, Mom, you have to pour all that brown soy when you get back.

Thank you.

I, uh—

I'm coming!

I'm coming! You let me exchange that for you?

Ida! What has happened to me?

You've got your mind on the bishop in the house.

The bishop?

He mustn't see me here, not like this. If you drink this brandy, it'll send you right off to sleep, and then I'll make him a nice cup. A strong coffee will wake you up, Jane. Ida, tell the bishop I'm not at home.

I will do.

All right, in you go.

Is it all right, Ida?

Oh, very well. Come in, please do come in. Thank you.

Most kind, most kind. Oh, not at all, not at all.

Have you been waiting long?

Oh, for me, a quarter of an hour.

Splendid!

I'm so glad.

You— Won't she? Your scarf.

Where is she, my dear?

Thank you, Adrien.

They must help her. I thought you were being nice.

Oh, forgive me.

Oh, not at all. It is I who must ask for forgiveness for arriving so unexpectedly like this.

Oh, it's perfectly all right, I assure you.

But you must be surprised. Oh, I was really going to say that you must be surprised to see me.

Oh no, no, what is one amongst If it may cause you inconvenience, Mrs.

Turner, my staying at Vicarage, I am more than willing to stay at the inn in the village. Oh, that's very kind of you. My name, by the way, is Humphrey. Arthur Humphrey. Oh, I'm sure it is. Consulting a timetable, I discovered that there would be no train that would get me here in time for the— Kevin! I wish I could place that one.

I think it was— Kevin, I'm so sorry, you were sitting— Mr. Toope? Can I see Mr. Toope? Why, of course he's round and about.

Round and about. Mrs. Toope? You are Mrs. Toope, are you not?

More or less.

Mrs. Toope?

Is something troubling you, Mrs. Toope?

Nothing.

Nothing.

But those are persons I saw running around the garden and dashing into the house.

You mustn't take any notice of them. That's just the Harvest Capers.

Harvest Capers?

Yes, it's a sort of game they play around harvest time. Great fun. Would you care to join them?

No, thank Thank you, Mrs. Toop. I never came to—

Get down! Kitty, do you see me?

No, Mrs. Toop. I'm afraid I never come to see you. I recite a little at times, but I never come to see you.

Will you recite to me now?

Now? Well, Mrs. Toop, what shall I recite?

Oh, how about there are fairies at the bottom of our garden?

What fairies are fairies? Well, Mrs. Toop, I shall do my best to recite it, if I run into Kitty. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs. And blaming it on you. You can trust yourself when all men doubt. Mrs. Toome? Why, she's not here.

Oh, Mrs.

Toome! Let me out! Come in! There is something in anguish in that closet. Be brave, Humphrey, be brave. Oh, gracious Father, what is happening? Where is he? Where is he? Where is who, madam?

That man, that dreadful man. Don't you think he's better to lie down for a little while? We must get away from this house, this wicked, wicked house!

But, madam, this is a vicarage.

Vicarage or no vicarage, I have been robbed of my trifle!

And the harvest festival tomorrow— what will the harvest be? You are sitting. Now tell me everything. Oh no, not everything. Go as far as you can. Are we alone? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are we No, no, no, you mustn't do that! Where is Mrs. Toomey? Oh, Mrs. Toomey? Why, she was here a moment ago.

She mustn't see me here.

This is all her doing.

What is? My undoing.

I don't understand. Who has undone you?

Oh, take me away!

Take me away! Oh, goodness gracious! Please, I am a married man! I can't get in! This is an outrage! You go for a nice—

no, no, tuck your legs in.

There you go. Good night now. But why do you keep her in the closet?

She's a bad one, ask you how, but darkness sends off something. She's harmless Really? Just a bit, uh, low stuff, if you know what I mean. Quite, quite.

Tell me, who's that person who rushed in here just now?

The less I say, the better.

There's things going on in this house that you won't understand. I can quite believe it. I have not understood a single thing that has happened since I came here.

Could I procure you some coffee while you're waiting? No, no coffee, thank you.

Could you procure me some tea pills, perhaps? Alcohol?

Oh, yes, right away. And whatever you see, pretend you didn't see. Whatever I say, say I didn't say it.

See?

Thank you so much, that was beautiful! Now how about the rank of Hesperus? Oh, she goes back into the closet. Well, of course you're probably ready for a little rest. Of course you've had a long journey, haven't you? 8 and 3/4 You've walked 3/4 miles and no finding car. You must feel like a sodden rag. So put your feet up and I'll make you a good meal.

But this is too pleasant.

I make this for all of my friends.

There. Now drink this and if you feel— Well, just a little perhaps. That was delicious. Oh, I'm not in the habit of, but I did enjoy that.

The glass, would you mind?

You're feeling a lot better now, aren't you?

I thought you'd have a little nap. Nothing like a little rest for sunstroke.

Sunstroke? They're mad, they must be! Oh, how did you startle me, Mr. Toop? Mr. Toop, I shall show you something. This is a bathhouse. You don't know it's your house, Toop Toop. This is the vicarage, isn't it? Oh, you might ask me, Toop. Why do you keep calling me Toop Toop? Toop Toop Toop? No, my name is Humphrey. Humphrey? That's not my name. Here's another of them! You've been in bed for a long time. You must be tired. There you are! What? Are you the porter? Oh no, sorry, I mistook this one for your old man. How dare you! Oh, sorry, I'd say lodgings.

Where is Uncle?

Uncle? Uncle? Uncle? Uncle? Oh, Uncle! Yes! Sunkong. The last time I saw him, he was taking a header into a gooseberry bush.

Go and take it!

What? I thought I was just gonna sit here for a minute.

You were going to what?

Well, our friend here seemed to think it was advisable, didn't you? Oh, well, I sincerely thought you were pandering to the— Excuse me! Excuse me. What did he want you in that for?

What do you think you died for? Come into the room.

You bring out the gypsy in me.

I don't know. Weird. Ida, you wake up!

Yes, Mommy? I like you better in your uniform. Yes.

Speaking of, you haven't seen it, of course.

Of course. Oh, you're looking at it. Of course I am. You have?

You have?

Where is it?

It's in the kitchen. It's in the kitchen!

Did you hear that?

There's a kitchen in the kitchen! Dead? I took it there for safety.

I know, I know. I love you.

For heaven's sake, speak quietly.

You go in there and bring it out here quickly. Yes, sir. He loves me. You mustn't think—

Mrs. Toop, you are Mrs. Toop, are you not? That's the one thing I'm certain of.

Well, Mrs. Toop, I cannot help but fear my presence It's been an embarrassment. Have I your permission to find accommodation in the village?

Yes, of course. I don't know how to begin to apologize to you.

Oh, why not tell him everything, Peg? You're a sportsman, aren't you? Well, I've never gone blue for anything, but I am rather good at rounders. Rounders? Rounders! You must come and join us sometime. Mr. Tooth! You are Mr. Tooth, are you not?

That's it! My husband is just outside and will be here in a minute!

What? What was that?

Isn't it frustrating when you can't place a face?

Never mind about face, you can place a Placing a face where on purpose I don't rip my uniform. Oh, I don't know!

The books, dear.

The man. Why?

What is the matter with him? He's tired.

He's unconscious! He's lucky!

But we can't leave him like this, strewn all over the floor.

Well? Got a vacuum cleaner?

Oh, he's coming round! Where?

Where am I? Did you have to say that?

Give him this.

Here, drink this. He doesn't want this. He wants air? Air? Oh, air with soda? Air. Oh, air! I think I know what you need. We must have some out in the garden. Come on.

Where are you going?

Back to the lily pond. Don't give up hope.

Remember, as one door closes, another opens. Oh, please do come in.

Listen to me, I'm a desperate man.

I'm not exactly carefree.

Did you know who I am?

My dear, I've been trying to place you all this evening.

Out there in your garden, there are men They're hunting for me.

Oh no, no, no, you're mistaken. It's not you they're looking for.

I said they are hunting in your garden for me.

Oh, I got a nice knife for it. Wait, Arthur, put that thing away.

It might be loaded.

It is loaded.

It is loaded. What? If you value your life, you must help me. But— step. I am your husband, understand?

Oh no, I remember him.

Your husband or your wife? There, there, my child.

Oh, you're feeling much better now, aren't you?

I am, I am. You say you are not Mr. Tupa. You are not going to strike us again.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He isn't Mr. Tupa. This is Mr. T. What? This must be Mr. T, aren't you, darling?

Yes. Well, I'm very glad to meet you at last, darling. I mean, I say, you move pretty quickly, don't you? Huh? I mean, one moment you're running around the garden, you're under pants, and the next moment here you are, fully clothed and in your right mind, if one could be in this house.

Oh, you're like that, aren't you, darling?

Like what?

Dress today, strip tomorrow. This is true. How about your permission?

Yes, of course. Second door on the left. Cousin, has he told you about—

has he explained to you about— It was all a joke, wasn't it, my sweet?

A joke? Yes. You think it's a joke to run around the garden in your underpants? Of course it was. What a joke. Further away, friend. Aye, aye. Where can I wash? All over if you Lies! Before you go, do you think it is a joke to run around the garden in your underpants? No, I have never run around the garden in my underpants. Just how mad are you? I, I don't know. I was perfectly the same one I answered. I'm wondering if you thought you saw what I thought I saw. What do you think you thought you saw? I think I thought— did a pair of underpants just run up those stairs? They, they did, but they were inhabited. Yes, the Victor.

You just told me he was a Victor.

Why you so mad? Stand back! What? Nobody moves a step, any of you. Why? The first person to move a step gets a bullet through the head. But Mr. Truth, he is not my husband! No, it's true!

You said just now that he was Ficker, ficker!

Listen here, old man, a yoke's a yoke. But if you move a step, thus we die. He's a commie! Hooray! Comrade! Comrade! He couldn't resist it. One more example of your clerical humor. And it will be your last. Indeed. Why, you know good and well— I don't! Perhaps wrong. Oh, this is dreadful! But Dreadful, what are we going to do? I don't know. We must think. Yes, let's try that. The key to the garage.

You're going to take my car?

I am.

Well, you won't get far. There's no gas in it.

Is that so? Yes, as a matter of fact, we adjusted our lighters. I say, can we sit down? We've had a rather strenuous evening. No drinks. Hi-ho! Do sit down, old boy. I don't feel I want to sit down. Sit down! Now, where do we go from here? What? You can't just keep us here like this all evening now, can you? Out there, there are soldiers looking for me. Soldiers? Yes. That's lucky. He's looking for you. If you are not the soldier, you would be dead by now. I'm a Romanian soldier! Here it is, sir!

It's gold!

If any of you get to me here, you are to grasp me for yourselves! Understand? Oh, I couldn't do that. My sergeant would be livid. I can see you are going to be troublesome. Perhaps the lady and I can carry out this deception better— alone. But how are you going to dispose of us? What's through that door?

It's just a closet.

You and you, in you go! But I think that's possible as long as it isn't in-game choices. Stop! Now listen to me very Careful, you are not to make the slightest sound. The lady and I will be very close together. Stop her! If you attempt to raise an alarm in any way, a bullet will enter her heart. Understand? I think so.

Perhaps you better repeat it.

Ah, chin up, sweetheart. Ah, sweetheart. I'll show you honesty! In you go! Look here, you can't do this to me! Can't I? Step to the rear of the bus! First of all, I want some money.

The money?

For my escape.

All right, you can check.

I need money now. There must be some money in this house. Where?

Well, it's in my bedroom.

I'll get it. We will get it. This way, Sergeant. Too late. Sit down. Remember, I am your husband. Your name, what is it?

Oh, Penelope.

Penelope what?

You don't really think you're going to get away with this, do you?

I certainly hope so, for your sake.

There's nothing to do.

Right in front of us, a window right here.

It's my uncle.

Your uncle? Even though I am not your He will betray me and I will have to shoot you.

I believe you are just aching to shoot me, but if you just keep quiet about it, I think I can save my own skin.

All right, all right, nothing to get excited about. I am not excited, could I tell you that, man? You deliberately pushed me into the Marrowbed. Oh, I was only doing his he was duty-free as king in this country. He thought you were the Pope, practicing. He thought you were the Russian spy. But I tell you— Ah, now how do I know that you're not, eh? You haven't proven it to me yet, have you, pal? Pal! Penelope, will you please explain to this gentleman who I am?

Yes, of course, darling. Sergeant, this is my uncle, the Bishop of Lax.

Oh, Bishop! Oh, hell! Sorry, Officer Brick, no offense. What happened to you, Uncle Brick? Well, you see, Mom, it's this way. We're searching for a Russian spy that escaped from the guardhouse, see? So I was scoutin' across the old geyser here, but no offense, sir, pull upside down and encursed Barry Blossom. Why, his legs were sticking up, and at first sight, they thought he was a wheelbarrow.

Oh, well, sorry. I can assure you my My uncle is not the man you are looking for.

Oh well, hot stuff. You haven't happened to see any strange figures wandering around, have you?

Oh no, I'm afraid I haven't.

Ah well, that's not— it's reasonable.

What?

It's reasonable.

Oh, Huckle, you've had a strenuous evening. Why don't you go to bed? Sergeant, will you be here long?

Well, we're bounding about till we find him, but don't you Do you worry?

I'll try not to.

Well, all be off then. Oh, what a lovely room. Makes me feel romantic. Are you married, Sergeant? Why bring that up? Now then, Penelope, I should like a full explanation. And I presume this is your husband?

Yes, this is my husband. Uh, Michael, dear, this is Uncle Dudley. I'm coming.

But Penelope, if this is your husband, who was the man that kept on hiding? He was the Russian.

He was the Russian?

He was— You mean this man? Oh dear, how horrible! No wonder you were acting so strangely. I only wonder why you didn't tell me sooner.

Well, you see, the whole time he was when he was here, he had me covered with a revolver.

Oh, how awful! But that was then and I understood for a lunacy.

That was you, wasn't it, Lionel?

Yes. Then why were you in a state of undress?

Oh yes, why were you, Lionel?

Tell Uncle. When I was alone, the Russian came in here came here and attacked me and took my clothes. Oh, my dear children, what ghastly experience! Shall I tell the police?

What do you think?

I think it would be most unwise. Oh, do you? Why? Before the receiver had left the hook, your lifeless body would no doubt be fallen to the floor. My dear Toop, must you express all your conjectures quite so melodramatically? My lifeless body? I think if you don't mind, I feel the need of a little stimulant.

I'll get you some.

Why do you follow your wife around like this? I love her. It's like a normal passion. I'm gonna be— there's something in that cottage.

No, no, no, it's nothing.

Just the cat.

The cat? Yes, it's Tiddles sleeping in there. Oh, she's Left in there for years.

It is time she came out. Stop your rushing.

Don't open the door!

Why not?

It might be dangerous.

Dangerous?

Why dangerous?

Why?

She's going to have kittens.

Kittens?

Oh, I love the little feet!

I'm tired.

Tired? I'm exhausted. Yes, certainly not.

Some money? The money?

Yes, of course, I'll get you some. Good night, my Hobbit.

Good night, my Hobbit.

What are you doing in that closet, your Royalness?

Just having a look at the old cat.

Oh, I'm going You're tired, and no wonder, after following Rankeebadge and I. Been trying to take it out of yourself, hasn't it?

Yes, it has. The sooner I put back, the better.

Would you like it if I bought you a nice plummy compote, Sam?

Oh, I'd ask for nothing more than a few biscuits. I prefer to choose for myself.

Uh, not much choice, I'm afraid. We've only got two sorts: bone and broken. Now, has he got two? I can't bother to uniform around or not.

Mr. Watson, I—

Godfather, you're not here!

Yes, yes, Ida, I'm here. Ida, where are you? What does he want, Ted? Tom Rauschen? No, my name is Humphrey. Humphrey, yes, I've come to sing the service for tomorrow. You're an imposter, sir. You have no right to be wearing those clothes at all. Oh, you know, don't you? Yes, you've changed your habit escaped from your uniform. No, my uniform escaped from me. Where is it now? In the kitchen. No, come back, sir, I'll give you a promotion this hour. Are you a stone freak? No, sir, aren't you? No, I am too. You were an impostor! I'm the Bishop of Bath. This is you, more than impostor. I happen to know that the Bishop's not alive. You go for it. I'm happier than I am the Bishop, and I acted every night, and I have two nights And I happen to wish that I had it. Yes, Penelope? You should wake up in bed with a husband.

What?!

Penelope, my dear, where are you going?

For a walk. But why must you go out to bed with this one?

Let me escort you. Why should Penelope be going for a walk then?

Oh, you like me to go everywhere with you, don't you, darling?

Darling? Penelope, who is this man? Oh, that's Mr. Hunt. Mr. Funtz! What is going on here? Quiet! 1, 2, 3, 4. Why is this the crowd's name? Sergeant, arrest most of these people! What are they all doing here? They can't tell me this stuff. I'm free here, you black Daniel Bishop. Reckon I'll ask the questions? Sit down, everybody! And one of our last memories is the coat I'm just wearing, the clothes the Russian was wearing when he walked. Sit down! Now, the third story is about Hardy's ditch-laziness. Clothes? He's wearing a suit of clothes that don't belong to him. If he's wearing any clothes at all. Shut up! And now, these were found in the Vicarage garden. It's likely that he's wearing the suit of clothes he's pinched off the Vicar. Most probable! I am so sorry. Don't let me interrupt. I won't.

Say!

All we have to do is find a man dressed as a posh cow— Yes! He's quite right. A man dressed as a posh cow— Excuse me! I know who the hell I am!

Right, where's yours? This is Ida, my maid.

Your maid, eh?

Yes, what is it, Ida?

Oh, so you're the maid here, are you?

Not very quick on the uptake, are you? Could I have a word with you, Mama?

No, you can't. Nobody leaves this room till Laura says so.

Why? What's happened?

Never you mind, my girl. Just be grateful you're not caught up in all this. Or are you? No, you couldn't, Dame.

Anthony, what have you all been up to? Goodbye, Ida.

Here is 10 shillings for your time. But you— Oh, don't thank me now. Just one word of advice: look at the money twice before you spend it all.

Quickly.

Now then, which one of you lads is the Vicar? I am. He is. Me. This gentleman. I shall repeat my question just once more. Which of you, if any, is the Vicar? I am. You are it. I shall repeat my question. Just once more, which of you is the Vicar? Go on, solemnize it! Lash your tongues now! Well, my good son, I am none of your soft-soap. Ah, humor him, old boy, humor him. Call him General. Ask when he's done with Lady Smith. What have you done to Lady Smith? What's this? What's this? You drink cigar? Oh, good Lord, no! Well, then answer me this: is he the vicar here?

I—

Are you the vicar here? She know very well that I am not. All right, is he the That's your role, eh? Well, because he is the bad guy! I protest! Sergeant, I must point out the most likely way to figure out who the vicar is is to ask his wife. There's something in that. Now, Mum, I suppose you are the vicar's wife?

Yes, Sergeant, that I am.

Well, answer me this. Which one of this lot is your husband.

This is my husband.

What? I am my wife's husband. Did nobody tell you you've gone mad? I tell you, I am the beggar of this parish, and this lady is my wife. Well then, why didn't she say so? She didn't tell the people I had been saved. She had to spare the truth. Ah, truth will out. That's what I always say. What do you say, Sergeant? Shut up. I know, sir. Now, your identification card, if you please. Forgive me, Sergeant, I do not happen to carry my identification card in my pyjamas. Very well. Deport to number 1. Your identification card, if you please. Um, it's in my other suit. Very well. Deport to number 2. Your identification card, if you please. Ah! So that's Betty Grable! I seem to have left it at home. Bury not ye of me. There. The fox number 3, your identification card, if you please. Sergeant, believe it or not, I am the ghost of Hamlet's father. Defaulter number 4! A comic costume, eh? Well, I don't find you very funny. Your identification card! Certainly, sir. On me! He's got one! 2-1, the big red mittens! You win! But it's my card! It's mine! I'm Mr. Casey Cobb! Those are my clothes! That man knocked me down and took them from me! Well, then why are you sized up? I didn't recognize him, but that cut from it! That is exactly what happened to me! I was attacked, and Michael was overtaken. I told you about it, didn't I, Bishop? Yes, yes! Why, you low-down, double-crossing bunch of bastards! We know! We're here! Why haven't you replied? You'll have to arrest the whole lot of you! A conflagration! This is the final conflagration! Our leaders have kept their word! At last! At last! Soon you will be crushed by the iron Soon the British Empire, the British Bulldog, the British— Gaslight and Coal Company! Gaslight and Coal Company! All, all shall perish! This is the revolution! Revolution! Tovarich! Tovarich! You can't. Sit back and run. Wait for— Me? Run up to the barn and find one of my men and tell him to come here right away. Oh, Sergeant, I am not terribly good at— Go on, run! Give me that. What I don't understand is why you all didn't tell me who he was in the first place.

Oh well, Sergeant, what would you do if it were all for tickling your ribs. You mean it?

Yes, Sergeant, my ribs. Why, you dirty whore!

Which reminds me, you won't be needing that housekeeping money anymore.

Oh my darling, no wonder you give so strict— My darling? So you are the vicar here? I am. Oh, it's very nice to meet you. You might want to ring up the police and tell them that we've got our I won't. Come on, tour police, behind the curtain for you. You sure you're all right?

I think so, it was a bit of a fright. Oh, I'm all right now.

Good. Could I have the police station manager come in a bit, please? Is this the police station manager? Come in a bit. What was it? Yeah, it was just the Lycaester Odeon Square. Quickly, before they come back! Are you not bored? I've been in the kitchen.

I looked there. Everywhere.

Everywhere.

Well then, let's start back all over again at the chest.

Why bother to look in the one place where we know it isn't? Are you not bored? Oh, you darling thing! I never thought I'd be so happy to see you again! Oh, someone's coming. It's only Ida.

Are you all right, Mum? Oh yes, thank you, Ida. Did you hear the bells? Ida, I rung them. What do you mean? The bell you say I broke on the 10th floor. No, ring church bells.

And the trick worked! The runny rag thought it was a signal for the communist revolution.

So that's why he changed his tune.

Speaking of changing, I better go back in there again, huh?

Uncle's in there. You better change upstairs, and when you're done—

Yes, just come out the window, remember? I've got to get out of here as soon as possible. Yes, yes. I say, there's got to be more of those biscuits. Oh, Penelope was idle.

I will not stand for one minute of silence!

Haven't you gone home yet?

No, but I am leaving your house this instant. That's the best news I've heard tonight. You have horrified me.

This is true.

You have only confirmed the opinion I have always had.

Miss Gilliam, you may be one of my oldest parishioners, but I cannot stand here and let you besmirch my wife's character. Character? Yes, she may be more tractable, bright-minded than we Penelope, have you seen my trousers? No!

The cat!

Mrs. Toops! What is?

Mrs. Toops, sweetheart!

What?

The saucer from the tea!

And it was you hiding the ruff set tumble in the cupboard, Mrs. Toops! What? I thought it was you! But it was you!

How did you come by those clothes?

What does this mean? I should like to know what all of this means. We better tell them everything.

Yes, I suppose we better. Look, Lionel, you sit here. Suzy, Lionel, Clyde.

Clyde, how do you do?

How do you do? He's an old friend of mine.

Very good.

We toured together in a play called "Friend of Mine." I wasn't due any time, please. Suzy, Lionel, after you've gone this evening, then Clyde turned up here.

I see. It's a very good friend of mine's suggestion. We ought to go up.

And I read in the locker paper that the group there was playing private lives. I had to win the game. I had to win the game.

I'm going to win the game. I'm going to win the game. I'm going to win the game.

I'm going to win the game.

I'm going to win the game.

I'm going to win the game.

Private lives! How far have you gone?

Same as Super U.

Private lives, but I'll catch you.