Bye Bye Birdie Friday HD 1080p

We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.

Yes, I know that, sir, but think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the American teenager. No, I'm not suggesting the boy doesn't want to go into the army, it's just that— No, I'm not trying to— Well, it seems to me that— 2 weeks from today? At the induction center? It'll be there. Oh, Rosie, thank goodness you've come. This is the end of our Maple Music Corporation. Conrad Bird is going into the army.

And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting her resignation.

Huh?

I just stopped by to say goodbye, Officer. Lots of luck.

No, Rosie, you can't! Not today of all days! Oh my clothes. Where are my clothes? What might they take when I'm overdrafted? Here. Not so much. Break it in half.

Albert, you're 33 years old. You can take a whole aspirin.

I am not 33. I'm a long way from 33. I won't be 33 till tomorrow. More!

It's no use, Albert. My mind's been made up. I've been with Alan and you 8 years now, and as you well know, I've been much more than just a secretary to you.

Those were moments of madness.

Well, between moments of madness and the office, I've seen a good 90-hour week.

I didn't. You want a raise.

Wrong! You know what I want.

Rose, if you're referring to anything of a more permanent nature between you and me, I'm not ready for it. Besides, there are religious differences.

Irish is not a religion.

And if it's part of the company you're after, the answer is no to that too. I'll make the news me, Mama, and you, and any changes in it would kill that wonderful woman who bore me.

Nothing can kill your mother except maybe a silver bullet.

And I won't drop the bow too, either. She loved you, Rose.

And I loved him too. He was warm, he was loyal, he was lovable, but he died 6 years ago. And besides that, he was a wire-haired terrier. Anyhow, I don't want to argue with you. This is something much more important.

Rosie, if you're going to discuss what I think you're going to discuss, I am in no mood to discuss it.

There's nothing to discuss. Conrad worries about me and the army. I exist, but you've known for us both to go back to college again. You're able.

Rosie, I am up to my ears in debt. Conrad has a $50,000 guarantee I can't pay, and I've just taken this overdose of aspirin.

Albert, this could be your last chance. Will you ever listen to me, Albert?

I'm serious.

Okay, so going in the army isn't best for me, but now you're free to start to do what you want to. Albert, Albert, Albert. Remember how you told me I should trust in 4 years? It was supposed to be 4 years, but it's 8 years now, Albert.

8 long years, Albert. It's time What is this?

It was only a sideline after 2 seconds. Just needed some money after 2 seconds. We're going to college and in our heads, instead of making it to business school, we're going to NYU and become— Say it with me! Go Z! And furthermore, we found an NYU yearbook from 1952 under Alfred Peterson's favorite piece of literature. Do you know what it says? Little Women.

I am ruined as jokes.

Goodbye, Terry Tossin. Hello, William Morris. Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Almay Lucas. When you broke on as first of the buggy, then I knew That was it. You with English forever. And English, sure, it will be someone out there. If you had me, come on, it could have been such a wonderful life. I could have been Mrs. Mrs. Albert Pearson. Mrs. Viking Hatwell Pearson.

Dean Nash Peters' wife. Stay with me and help me get the money to pay Conrad's guarantee, and as soon as I have the credit, I'll dissolve the company and go back to the acting class.

Albert, you're on!

Of course, it may take some time, but I'm sure that by 1973 or '74 it's fixed. What's that?

Something that's going to push that date up a few years.

Pick a name. What name are you talking about?

Sign all of the forms. Matthew. Kim Matthew, age 16, president and recording secretary of Conrad Bernie Fan Club. Number 274 is Sweet Apple Pie. Mary, can you give me the number for Sweet Apple Pie? It's capital 7, double 8, 2. Thanks, and come right back.

Now wait a minute, what's going on here? Who's Kim whatever her name is?

Kim Matthews was going to send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever seen. It's called One Last Kiss.

I've never heard of it.

You haven't heard of it, but we do. And with that, One Last Kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way to the big cold army for for 2 long years. And when he gives that piece to one of his fans, chosen at random from 1,000,000 hysterical teenagers, it'll make Conrad Verde the hottest soloist in Stonemark.

Rosie, I'm beginning to see it. We cut the record here in New York.

Take Conrad to Seattle.

Let him kiss the kid.

And release the record. Albert will make enough money to go to college for the rest of your life.

Rosie, it's wonderful. And I promise you, as soon as this whole thing is settled, it'll be just the two of us, Rose, in perfect bliss. I'll get a job teaching English and— bliss, kiss, and rhymes. I wonder if anyone's ever used it before. What difference does it make? It'll be great for the song! Oh, one last kiss, it gives so much bliss. What is your pench-a-bliss? Oh my God, that's too quick.

Any English teacher, any English teacher, something about any English teacher.

Yes?

Well, every phone that you have, it can't be busy. What's going on? Can Max read just that one to you? Oh, never mind, just keep trying and call me right back. Then we would cross us a wonderful line. Then I would read Mrs. Peterson, Mrs. Albert Peterson, Mrs. Myrick Apple Peterson, the best teacher in the world. Hi, Helen!

What's the story?

Pretty glory!

What's the tale?

Thank you! Tell me quick, I might get behind camp!

Hi, Marty! Hi, Alex!

What's the story? Morning glory!

What's the word? Hummingbird!

Having a party at Rock Creek, but when kids didn't really get a hint. Did she listen? They cried. Did he get a pin on? Or was he too shy? Helen broke it off, didn't care. Mouths open, they would. Helen and Alex, they say they were good. Hey, Mackenzie, what do you mean you're resigning from the Birdie Fan Club? I mean, just because Hugo came out of here You're wearing lipstick and heels. How lovely to be a woman and have a job to do. To pick out a boy and read him. And then when you are through, you'll take him to bed. You'll kiss him goodnight. Like the lovelies in your How long does it take to grow the things up in my nose? How long do I still wait for that date in simply beautiful clothes? How lovely to be a woman and change from boys to men to go to a Jane is in California. The operator says she's been trying to get through for nearly 3/4 of an hour. Thank you, Doris. I'll take it down there. She said it was long distance. I can't imagine who— What did you say? Oh, I said thank you, Doris. That was well said. It's modern to call your mother by her first name. Makes the mother-daughter more like pets.

You're a father?

Call him Harry, won't you?

Yeah.

By the way, Bill and I are awfully well. Aren't you, Doris? I don't know. Yesterday I was a mother, today I'm a pal. Wouldn't you like to call me Mom, not Swabbern? I'm sorry, but times are changing and you've got to go along with them or be left behind with the old folks. By the way, Doris, do you happen to have cigarettes?

Seems to have run out. I'm not an old man. I was 18 in World War II.

What class is this in? Conrad Lurie? He's coming here?

To kiss me?

Doris? Mother?

We love you, Conrad! Oh yes, we do! We love you, Conrad! I'm sorry I'm late. Why don't we go over the birdie song once more before we head down to the train? Oh, and remember the contract, Birdie, 3 years, no smoking until you're 14. All right, guys, shall we try it? We love you, Conrad. Oh yes, we do. We love you, Conrad.

Oh, she's just sad that Conrad's going to the army. She'll be too old for him when he gets back.

Well, I think she's gone skewered with your touch. But look, why don't you girls go on down to the train and I'll talk to her. Hi, I'm Albert Peterson, Conrad's manager. Come on, Albert, it can't be that bad. Come on. flag, he decided to smile. Pick out a pleasant outlook, stick out that noble chin, wipe off that bowl of cow dung, slap on a hat in the rain, and spread sunshine all over the place just for a happy face. Put on a happy face. Put on a happy face. And if you're feeling cross and picklish, don't sit and whine. Pick up bananas, sweets, and pickles, and you'll feel fine. Oh me, she never laughed to see me. She wouldn't listen to me, now she doesn't even think of me. So spread sunshine all over the place just for all the happy faces. Uh, hurry up, we're gonna get on that track 12 if you want to see Conrad before he goes. Oh boy. Uh, could you get that stuff down to track 12 with the double? Rosie, what are you doing?

Getting our things down to the station without anyone from you hours.

Listen, I'm sorry, I don't suppose a generous tip would make things up?

Just take the briefcase and get down to the train before any of those I'm going to go upstairs and speak to Conrad alone. You know what happened last time.

You better come upstairs, I've got to wait for the bomb.

Speaking of the other, have you talked to your wife at all today? No.

Rosie, I couldn't. Yesterday was the anniversary.

Of what?

Lou. 6 years ago, he was hit on 181st Street and Broadway by a British beer truck. You think it could be long?

It's either her or the all-clear.

Sally!

Mom!

Mom, what's the matter?

Don't worry about me, sonny. I'm just a little faint from the subway.

You should take a taxi.

Taxi? What am I, into taxis? I'll leave the taxis for my successful son. A mother can ride crowded and dirty subway full of strange people when you're busy doing depended on it. And what's the big Nowadays I'm going to blow in the dirt anyway. Here, here's the money I saved from not taking tax. Buy some candy with this. Oh, who's she?

Mama, you know Rose Alvarez from the office.

This is Rose Alvarez. Pretty little Rose Alvarez. Rose, what happened to You put me out of some shock or something? Excuse me, Alan, I can take those seat covers. By all means, Miss— Oh, there's Lulu, sonny. How nice she looks.

It's a wonder some old man didn't snatch her up.

A person won't leave you like that with a brain and a few dollars and a tattoo from Count Blessit. Goodbye, Bruce. Goodbye, May. Call me Mrs. Peterson.

Mama, what I wanted to tell He was sort of out, you know, he was committed to her, she was out.

Why? I know my sonny.

He loves his mama.

He would never say anything to break her heart. So, what about Rose?

Well, it's about Lou too. Lou?

Where are you, Lou? Struck down by a beverage I consumed faithfully for 32 years?

What about Lou? Well, Mama, it's just that Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up on me and Lou. Mama, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing's the matter. You killed me, that's all! Lou, I'm coming! I'm on my way up!

Mama, you don't understand. It's just that Rose thought— I mean, I thought— I mean— Here's some money. Take half of it. What's up with your jacket?

Nothing, it's too cramped for a mother. Papa, during rush hour?

That's the worst time.

Wait, how many blocks is it after all? Only 107.

I'll walk!

Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear a heavy coat. Keep your money in the inside pocket. Wait for washes. And eat a hot lunch. Albert, I thought your boys were bringing you your dentistry? Well, as Face the bullets. Army is not afraid to die.

Army's up!

Line of standing! Feet behind!

Stand together!

There is no point in that fight!

Oh, dear, I might even draft him. That's the appeal to the young.

Sing it! We love you, Conrad! Oh yes, we do! We love you, Conrad! And we'll be true! When you're not near us, we're blue. Oh, come on, happy warriors!

Hey, what's going on? I'm sorry to bother. Are you two engaged?

It's engaged. You can't not date. They're magically compatible. They are busy dates.

A real pal, like a sister, but it doesn't mean our names are linked. Here it's I again, it was just a friendship ring.

4 keys up, 5 of candy, 6 of dice, healthy body, love, marriage, and joy.

What has been so bad?

See, we love you, Conrad.

Listen to you, we love you, Conrad, and so be true. Oh, we'll never forget Conrad's first words when he heard him and he sent it into the Armed Forces. I wonder if I'll be assigned to the front line trenches. That way I'll be sure to get myself one of those dirty germs. Or whoever's gonna be this time.

Hey, Mr. Peterson, give us the real scoop. Is Tom still drinking a lot? His high won't stop. He goes to church each Sunday and he doesn't touch a drop.

He seems as of this word sober as a trout. Come on, everybody! Welcome to Sweet Apple!

Now, before we escort you to the town hall where the mayor himself is waiting, I would like to introduce you to the girl you've chosen to spend your life with, and who will now lead us reciting the honor guard pledge.

King Mountain!

I, Captain Alton Bean, being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast, and true to God, that birdie, and the United States of America, both indivisible Liberty and justice for all!

Hey Kim, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute?

Um, right now? I mean, can't today, I'm in an awful hurry.

I don't think so, Kim. It's important.

You go pee, buddy. What's so important that you have to talk to her right now?

What's so important? I'll tell you what's so important.

The day after I threw my pee She goes around kissing someone else.

That's what's so important. I want you to know I'm quite upset about this. I've already had several headaches. You know those. Why do you know?

I believe you're actually jealous of Colin Bradbury.

Me, jealous? I'm the opposite of jealous. I'm— I'm very jealous. And I have every right to be, he's my study.

That's just it, Hugo. I'm your study. What made my room what admires a far distant and unattainable ideal. But I'm pinned to you, Hugo, and I don't care how common and ordinary you are. That's how I'm going to stay. You want to stay?

That's making you feel better?

I need every word you say. How am I worthy of this complete, satisfying, one, one, one special boy?

One who is you. Not 2 or 3.

One died your sins out. This is what my desire got. You saved me. This is just One boy, one steady boy, one boy to be with forever and ever. One boy, that's the way it should be, that's the way it should be. How my body doesn't make me feel all faint and dizzy. Only my steady steps. Why, even when I say his name, I hear it the whole thing.

Listen.

Conrad Burke. Conrad Burke.

Conrad Burke. One boy.

One steady boy. One boy to be with forever and ever.

One heart.

That's the way it should be. That's the way it should be. The boy she loves is the boy who brings her chicken and donuts baked!

And you, older lady, that boy is me! And so, it is with great pride and prejudice, as well as with considerable pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you to our fair city and present you with the 14-karat solid gold key so generously donated by men that are the sweet apple of our eyes. And as I present this key to you, on my word— What? All I said was Conrad first. If you girls don't stop that, I can't finish my speech.

Who cares about your speech? We want to hear from Conrad. Speak to us, O beautiful one. Tell us how you made that glorious sound that even now, in anticipation of it, has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting, yowling beast.

You gotta be sincere. Enough! You gotta be sincere. Victor Burton, what are you doing? You gotta believe, 'cause if you feel it here, well then you're gonna be honestly sincere.

It's been here all night. You promised to sing the birdie song 10,000 times. Got 5,276 to go.

Now sing it.

Daddy, please, I wish you'd hurry and let all this mess get away before Conrad comes down.

Kim, this mess, as you call it, happens to be my Breakfast, and I intend to enjoy it.

Your father has the right to finish his eggs, Kim, but I'm sure he won't mind if we just quietly start snuggling away some of these other things. Now, I know the house was a bit hectic this morning, but Kim's gone through a lot of trouble to fix a special breakfast just for Mr. Bertie, and I want to make sure everything is ready and prepared for him when he comes down. After all, he is a national figure, and that And I want to make sure that these beautiful people know that we know how to take care of the natural beauty here in Sweet Apple. Of course, it doesn't really mean that much to me. It's all for Kim's sake.

Oh, there we are. All done.

Did you enjoy it here?

Doris, I'm not budging from this room until I smoke my pipe Read my paper and get my coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I completely forgot to make your coffee this morning.

How about a nice warm 7-Up?

Morning, Pa! Oh, here's your paper. I hope you don't mind if I cut out a few stories about combat. I have tried to raise this house on a democratic basis. I have extended the right of self-determination to both the woman I have married and the children I have sired. The vote has been denied to no one for reasons of age, sex, or political affiliations. There has been no taxation representation, and open covenants have been openly arrived at. Last night I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as Gumby. Phone calls were made to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray while three harpies shrieked outside my window, "We love you, Conrad," 4,273 times. I had just lost two primates. Gentlemen, it's a lot for Susan. Parliament is dissolved. The Magna Carta is revoked. And Nero is back in town! Hey, you know my friend Emperor— one second. Oh, hey, hope you won't mind staying off the phone for a few minutes. We're expecting a long-distance call from New York. Perfect, I'll just go park Rome.

Mother, what is wrong with him? Nothing, dear. He's just a little excited about Conrad's being here, that's all.

He's coming!

He's coming! He's coming! I'll get the answer.

Girls, he's coming!

You better hurry if you want to watch him eat!

Okay, we are here! That's alright, girls, you just have to come see. We'll stay quiet and watch.

Here he is!

Coming to lunch. All right, Gumby. Now, Doris, about that boy. Harry, he's just a little shy. If you ask me— And besides, Kim is only 16, and I don't want her—

I don't care if it's you. No ill-mannered lies.

You tell me. You You shut up! This is my house, and until you are 18—

Daddy!

I said shut up! Until you are 18, you leave me alone! Mr. and Mrs. McAfee, Kim, Randall, is this the way you want 75 million Americans to see you? What? You're all going to be on television with Conrad. On television? I just got confirmation from New York, from Ed Sullivan himself. You mean we're gonna be on the Sullivan Show? The Ed Sullivan Show? That's right, they're going to put it on the screen on Sunday night at 8:05, and we're all going to be on it. That's why I beg you to put aside all petty differences. To that great audience out there, you're an American dream come true. The free world celebrates you. Take me to the magazine. Don't destroy that for me. Me on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed Sullivan. Me, Harry McAfee, appearing with Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan.

How for 93, half as fortunate as we, will we coast to coast with our favorite host, Ed Sullivan?

Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! Where will we all end tonight? A fun life, 2 spouses, a good job, enough kids. Someday we'll be called the greatest heroes. And I love you. And someday we'll all It looks great, Rose. Of course, it's been used as a movie house for the past few years, but I think it'll be just fine for the TV show.

It'll be swell, Rose. Now, what I wanted to tell you— And any questions we need to—

Rosie, if you'll forget about the Sullivan Show for just one minute and come to me after, something very important I want to talk to you about. About you and I, Rose.

You and me, Mr. English Teacher?

I'm serious. What I want to say is that I'm very glad you and I— and me— are out here together. Being away from New York has made me see all kinds of things in a different light. That's why I want to let you know that I wrote a letter to Mama and I told her no matter No matter what, I have decided to give up on me.

Albert, you can't!

I borrowed the day club, which gives 3 days and 3 nights for her to respond to me, and so far, not a word. If you ask me, she should have accepted the whole thing by now. Come in!

3 days and 3 nights on a trailways bus. What's the difference? I'm only a mother, and for a mother, a trailways bus is It's good enough.

Mom, what are you doing here?

You didn't think I wouldn't come? A mother gets a letter that obviously goes on to be influenced by drugs, and she should say a word? Dear Mom, this is to let you know that our legal was dissolved. Your friend, Albert.

—on my business all the time.

It's all for me? Who am I anyway? A sick old woman? Brother Morris is right. I just want one simple stone with one line carved on it. Albert's mother. And don't hire a limousine to get me to my final resting place.

I'll walk. Walk? And tell that friend of yours I will give up. She knows nothing. She doesn't. Mama, Rose is right here.

This— this is Rose?

She's horrible! Albert!

Do her a favor and send her back to Ireland. And don't worry about finding a replacement. For a second, sorry. Just so happens that on my way here, I met the most wonderful, refined girl on her way to Akron until I decided to get off here. Sonny, say hello to Gloria Rasmussen! Hi, Mom!

Hey, you're cute! But Mom, I don't need to say Secretary? I mean, how's Rosie? What does Rosie need a doctor for?

I mean, you're the one who should be getting Social Security. Listen, I don't just type.

You do other things?

I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you can help me get into showbiz. Call Liz Al. Minnie, come on, baby, will you? Great selection. Get a load of this owl.

Well, do I get the job?

I don't know.

I mean, you certainly have wonderful qualifications, but I'm used to working with Miss Alvarez. However, as you say, Mama, we are faced with a certain amount of extra work and— Do you want to stay down there? For a few minutes.

May, can you handle a few? I'll be hooked on the other side. Easy now. It's okay, Sunny. For the movies, they can always cut away with an effect prop. Sunny, why don't you take Gloria somewhere and see how far she climbs?

Well, you have all these releases to get out, and Gloria can do them. Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie.

Why should it make any difference to me?

Ah, the girl Rosie. You stay here and keep working in. I'll go along with this rescue. I'll find the typewriter. Do you use the left system? Whenever possible.

I can kill him!

I can just kill him! Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but I'm looking for Tim McAfee. I just wanted to know if he's one of the kids from the library that stole the typewriter.

Short flight, because if she goes up—

Miss Alvarez, is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez, please, you'll go with me, won't you? Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? Yes, you can. I think you can. Investing in color slides is to insist on new Kodak. And now, the young man you've all been waiting to see. Oh yeah! As you know, in just about 14 hours, one of show business' brightest talents is going off to play a very special engagement. And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady with one last kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to To Appleton, Ohio, where a typical American family, Mr. and Mrs. Terry McAfee and their children Randolph and Kim, are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier, Comrade Birdie. Brace yourself, everybody. He deserved this.

He was a thief of love.

Who let that kid in here?

I did, Albert. Oh, dear.

It's a sign of farewell present to you and Mrs.

Raskinson. Wear it and wake up. No, Rosie, come back.

We can't leave you here alone.

You're not alone, Albert.

You're on television.

8 years, 8 years, that's how long I'm wasting on him. That's all I knew how to do. To hell with you. That's right, to hell with him. From now on, it's just you, me, Rosie, honest talking, singing, dancing, having a ball, making up for 8 weeks of being alone with a mama clutching an aspirin-spitting 6-foot tower of Jello. What did I ever see in you? Is this a dream? No, it's not. Is he lonely? No, he's not. Am I crazy? Was he the guy I found so damn alone? What did he have to do for me? How could I have believed that he was nice? To get with me, I paid an awful price. He was lost from the stars. Broken teeth, broken limbs, broken heart. How did I ever— why did I ever— why did I ever— You know what you said this summer? All men can't be like that. Every one of them, except for maybe Albert Schweitzer and Immanuel Kant. They're all the same, from puberty to senility, from Arnold to Mussolini. I never understood why you and Bergman married him in the first place. Egotistical, selfish human beasts. Then what are we poor women to do with suspects? Use them. Let them be our pain and salvation. Sip from a cup of blood. Mix the potion, go strong and rise in force. Kinda like that mouse, Mr. Peterson. Do you believe them? No, we don't. Do you want them? No, we don't. Would you eat them? No, we won't. Tell me, what did I say back? What can we ever see in you? How could we ever think that they were nice? Take it from my big man, Uncle Bryce. It was rough from the start. Broken teeth, broken nails, broken heart. Why did I ever sleep in? Hugo and P-Bot. Huh? Hugo, what have I ever seen, kid? Rhymes as bad as this one, Peterson, if not worse. Is that worse?

I'm coming with you.

Don't be ridiculous, kid. You're You're only 16. Juliet was 14 when she left home, and look what happened to her. Look, why don't you just get some milk and cookies and go to bed then? Oh, it's too late for cookies to stop this.

I want to live! We're brave, we can drag this and help each other with our emotions. For the last time, Albert, I'm fine and I don't feel like going to bed. Now leave me alone! Come back, you had a spear shot at the best of you! There she is! Stab me in the heart while my back is turned!

Get out of my way, Albert!

Be careful, silly boy, she may be armed!

Mama, I can handle her! Albert, wait for me! We'll make you a nice hot I just want to let you know that things tomorrow are split.

The kiss will take place after all, tomorrow morning at the railroad station, just before Conrad leaves. So it looks like you failed, Rose, as anyone must fail who tries to fuck Al Peterson, one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry.

What did I ever see in him? How could I ever think that he was nice? To get from me, I paid an awful price. It was Rob from the start. Broken face, broken nose, broken heart. An empire builder, a colossus. Get out of my way, you deep-rocking mosquito! What did I ever see in him?

Rosie, come back!

You left me here being bombed, darling.

Rosie, Rosie, I need you. Rosie, please come back. And I don't care how you plead and beg, this album You're through here, Dalmatian. Not only do I accept your resignation, but furthermore, you're fired. Oh, and remember one more thing: sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me, you big rat. Sorry to do this in front of you folks, but I have to let this out for this guy. Hello, this is Albert J. Peterson speaking. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis, but Miss Alvarez is no longer with us. That's right. Miss Alvarez, wait for me!

I'm coming with you!

And where do you think you're going, young lady?

With Rosa to Crane Gate to Jackson since a full-hearted woman helped me to awake.

Upstairs. But, papa! Did you hear me? I said upstairs! Upstairs.

Rosie was right. You're all the same, with puberty and loose saloon.

You dare say puberty in front of your own father? Not to mention you, Celine. Doris, we have failed as parents. You know, I never asked for much from my children. Just respect. That's all I wanted. Just Just a little respect, that's all. But did I get respect? No, I got no respect. I get no respect. I respect you, Pop. I don't want your respect. I don't want your respect. I respect you. Anyone gives respect to my child? Take me upstairs. I'm not going. You know, there's certain words I didn't want to hear in this house. Puberty was the first, and Mussolini was the second, and respect was the third! Now listen here, Mr. Lewis, no 3-cent reporter can bulldoze me. I happen to be Albert J. Peterson, and you can print that in whatever sheet paper you happen to represent. It's not paper, it's magazine. And it's not Mr. Lewis's, it's Mr. Lew's. Yeah, I did.

Where you going, sonny boy?

Nowhere, Mom. I'm just out. It's nothing here tonight, so— so look for Rosie, Mom. I love her and I want her back.

No, no, this is serious. By all means, sonny boy, go find her, beat down the straps, and bring her back here. Oh, and when you get back, be sure to go into the kitchen Take my hand out of the oven and turn off the gas!

Mama, I've had enough of this! If you really loved me, you'd help me find Rose before it's too late. Don't you see what's happening? The poor girl's going to have to make up for all the years she's wasted on me. Who knows what lone lives she's in at this very moment? You're right, sonny boy.

I'll help you find them.

A message from Conrad first. What message?

Oh, don't worry about it, darling. He just says that he's going out tonight and I'm hoping he'll be back in time to kiss you tomorrow.

Mom, why didn't you tell me this before?

Oh, I tried to, darling, sweetheart, but you were too concerned with a certain female distraction.

I don't know what the matter with me is. He knows how much this means to me. Conrad! Conrad! Take it easy, I'm coming. And before you start your hollering, Albert, I just want you to know I've made up my mind. I'm tired of getting out of bed at 9 every morning, having kids watch me when I eat, and letting them poke me in the eye. I want to go out, have some fun, meet a couple of young chicks. Don't you understand, Albert? I'm tense! Don't you stand there, do something!

Uh, Conrad, um, did you ever think in terms of more —mature—

woman? I hope I never get that tense. Now listen here, buddy boy, tonight's my last night before I go into the Army, and I am going out. You can't go out without my permission. It says so in your contract. Call me and get the contract and sign it. Never mind, I'm kidding myself. Contract, you stay right there. There are ships just about to surface, and I mean to kiss me on the ear. Man, those ships don't know what they're missing. I've got a lot of living to do.

Sizzlin' station already And let's just dance with you. Hold her back, you're gonna grow 13. I've got a lot of living to do.

There's music to play, places to go, people to see. Everything's right for you and me. Hey, is this your jump shack?

Yes, Mr. Brady. So, what happened to this house? Sweet Apple O'High was founded in 1852 by Jeremiah—

I mean, what do you guys do for fun? Are you gonna have a ball?

Well, there's the church basement and the steam shop, and they always go to the ice house.

What's there? I don't know.

Ice, I guess? It's a so-haunted secret journey that the ice house is where people go when they want to be left alone.

I am not a chick, I am a full-grown woman and I have something to say to this. and me. I'll rise above before you know it, and this song is waiting for you. You're alive, so come and show it. Oh, we've got a lot of living, such a lot of living, what a lot of living to do. Kim? Kim, where are you? Cupid, have you seen Kim? The last we asked for, I heard it. What are you talking about? They're out together having moonlight swims and photo boat races and loop-the-loops. God forbid I do the only sensible thing, drink myself to death. Moonlight swim? Motorboat? Loops the loop. Doris, grab my gun! Oh, isn't that creepy? You haven't seen Juan, right? No, but I intend on seeing him, so if you have a message, I'd be glad to deliver it after I shoot him. Oh, Rosie, I gotta fight, Rosie!

Oh dear, what are you talking about?

You know you don't have a gun. That's mine, Pop! You shut up! I don't know where I could buy beans this late. I think I could smoke in here. Then give me anything. That, that bow and arrow I bought you last Christmas with the suction tip? Don't just stand there! My daughter has run off with a bean to loop the loop! Give me a water! What's wrong with these kids today? Kids, you can't understand anything they say. Kids, they are disobedient and disrespectful folks. You want to see crazy, soft, lazy loafers? Then hop on the subject. Kids, you can talk and talk, your face is blue. But kids, they still do just what they love to do. They walk in the moonlight —We were perfect in every way. Wasn't adequate to thank you. You know, I don't mind the last words. It's the loop, the loop that hurts. It's— Why don't we lower the draft age? Say, to about 11. I didn't know what puberty was until I was almost past it. Tits, they're just impossible to control. Tits, they're all about their rock and roll. One day, yes, we'll meet in a romantic way. Hey, Doc, here's my peashooter. Peashooter? What? 'Cause, uh, give it to me. Awesome advocates today! Oh, with double rocks on the Scotch. Put some rocks into the side. You make me a vodka malted? Oh, hold on. 32? Yeah. What about a beer? Out. Can we stay here without any glass in front of me? Beat it. I demand to see the manager. Where's Maude? I'm Maude. Charles F. Maude. And if you're not out of here in 1 minute, I'm going to grab it by the scruff of it and then throw you out. Okay, I'm going.

This is the last time I do my drinking at this place. Double bourbon, scotch on the side with no ice, please. And a cherry. Make that 2 cherries. And bring on the dancing boys. The name's Alvarez, but I like them to call me Rosie. Rosie Powers. Now wait a minute, I am an American citizen and it is my constitutional right to have Told a lie. Guy named Pearson to talk to you. Tell that weasel little rat I'm not here. That Bruci's there.

Who else would know you weasel little rat? Look, Rosie, I gotta talk to you about stuff. Come on, rat.

And furthermore, he didn't find the worthless rose, which I If I'm not, the one thing that would certainly make me hang up is any mention of anybody named Conrad.

No, Rosie, please don't hang up. We don't have to talk about Conrad. We can talk about anything you want. You, me, I, anything. Oh, Rosie, please. I don't care what you say, faith you taught to me. God must be so far away from me, it seems all wrong this way. It's all true. And if you can speak, tell me so. Are you lonely? Tell me so. Say you love me too. Tell me so. Are you behind me right now? Talk to me.

Dear, I care.

Tell me so, are you lonely? Maybe tell me so, are you lonely? Are you ready to go? It's almost easier to say bye-bye so close to me. Then you'll see, we won't have to talk. I don't know. She said, look at you closer, then you'll see, we won't have to talk. Noah, I'm your friend.

See you later, please. See you later, boys.

Rosie, you got to help me find Conrad.

And that's only the beginning. From now on, the sky's the limit. Parties, dancing, boats. What's going on in there? No business of yours.

That's a private night for me. Private for whom? Men only, that's who.

Men only? That's exactly what I'm looking for. I've heard all about what goes on in these small towns. I'm going to sleep.

No, I— No, please, somebody stop her. Rosie, don't go in there.

Wait, I'll be right down.

Molly, get her a coat. And now, gentlemen, by the power vested in me— Well, before the secretary plays back the recording from last week's meeting, I'd like to bring up the subject of last week's Well, as I was saying— No. Miss Albers, I was named Rosie. Could you go back in there and give us some great apple doughnut? Not for a million dollars. Oh, my whole world is collapsing before me.

I can't get a drink.

The kids are off in Colorado. Here it is, you monsters! 1 second, 3. I copy, Rose. Hurry, Mama.

I don't know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it would be better not to find in the first place. If you listen to me, son boy, we'll come home, have a nice cup of postum, and go to bed.

But if you want to go, that's okay with me. In fact, it's not a bad idea. Why don't you go home, Mom? Uh, what did you say, sweetheart? Darling? I said, why don't you go home, Mom?

Would you mind repeating that again, sunshine of my existence? I said go home, Mom.

I don't need you in my life. So 100,000 pussycats, you want all of them?

Come on.

Who brought you some eggshells? Kissed eggshells? Rattlesnakes?

Who picked your dirty socks up off the floor? And who was there. It's just too hard to bear. Mother doesn't matter anymore. With blankets on my feet, I trudged through snow and sleet to bring you the bread from the Just wrap me in a flag and throw me in the river, my mother said. Precious, by the way. The doctor, Father said. Would I die unconditioned? Yes, he sure was. There's nothing they can do, unless what we want to. Because for For our condition, there's no cure. That's why you had to prove it.

Who made you? Jesus?

And why you, Mary, till her robe was off? You sacrificed your life, and then you did the math. Oh, oh, oh, oh, does it matter?

See, I think this isn't should be.

A mother's lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the city dump, and a son is running around with a floozy who came looking for a good time and stayed to ruin an American woman's life. Who gave up nights of rest to rob this iron chest? The star-shining boy, till he was gone. My life has been in vain, this reverie down the drain. As a mother doesn't matter how Yes, Sonny Boy.

Good night, Mama. Good night, Sonny Boy. My name is not Sonny Boy.

You're just like your father. You marry anything. Oh, I need to get out of here.

Have you seen Ursula? Is she missing too?

It's 10 o'clock and I've looked everywhere.

Magdalene, you haven't seen my Harvey anywhere, have you? And what about Roger and Uncle Phyllis? They're probably out just having a fruit store, maybe having one of those gay wars. Gay wars? What's wrong with these kids today? Kids who cannot understand anything they say. Kids, they are so ridiculous and so immature. I don't see any fun, what a song, just you wait. Kids, they are just impossible to train. Kids, they got all the fun from that rock and roll. Why can't they keep on You were perfect in every way. What's the matter with kids today? Kids! What the devil's wrong with these kids today? Kids! Who could guess that they would turn out that way?

Why can't they be like me? Were perfect in every way.

What's the matter with kids? What's the matter with kids? What's the matter with kids today? Everybody give it a good old hear.

Luke, you could be bothered.

What's happening? You drinking? No. Well, but it works anyway.

I've got the perfect price for you, son.

Like those awesome combat police you see in the movies? Great double build and hike, flying down to Rio de Janeiro while observing that great cast of glorious And what a score! Hey, Rio, fly the flag! Rosie, Rosie, I've been looking for you all night. Where have you been? Rosie, I have good news for you. I told Mama goodbye. I'm a new man now, a world leader. Albert, can you call my Uncle Wanda to the ice house? Ice house? Call the Mounties, please. Look, look, him up! That is the question.

Of course I didn't hear a murmur, but these last few— Oh God, this is the Ice House. It's fun, isn't it? When you've been here as many times as I have, I would expect Everyone? Ursula? Gumshoe? The Girl Scouts? These are stronger than the chocolate ones, aren't they? You know, Wakanda, you seem a bit nervous. Maybe a drag on this knee would relax you. Oh, or how about one of those Reapers I've read so much about? I can go out and get your face if you just tell me what it is. When you've had a zombie kill your best friend, you're like— Oh my God, you're traveling! Guess you guys are a few years younger than I am. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable. I'm 27. Or 28. No, it's my 22nd. So you see, I really know the score. I even know some of the words. Uh, communion. Uh, premarital. Uh, that's a good one. There you are, Rob Bagley! We've been looking for you everywhere.

That's your daughter. Oh my God, There he is! The depraved brute. Oh, that's happening. Well, what have you got to say for yourself now? Thank goodness you've come.

I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to this.

That's all I needed to hear. Take him away. Mr. Macintosh, I beg you, please let us wait. I'll take him. Let me handle this.

Why don't you go back to the house and I'll go over to the courthouse and try to speak to the mayor.

Rosie, I don't think you understand. This is the new Albert. I told Mom goodbye. Albert, it's me. Not that I did. And the new operator is going down to the courthouse to deal with the mayor, and I'd appreciate it if you'd meet me at 6:30 tomorrow morning at the railroad station, where I intend to be there with Conrad. And Rosie, did I mention that I loved you?

Not yet, August.

What about you?

Conrad! <LYRICS>It's gonna be such a wonderful night. I need a reason to be this high.</LYRICS> Is it now, Rosie? This is why they didn't have a dear son.

Oh, Rosie, nothing can stop you now. Hello, Rose. Hello, my dear. Careful. Hot, hot.

Friend? I'll always have time to speak to the woman who by tomorrow evening I will be able to call— Don't! Say it! I will be able to call mother. Oh, cruelest word I ever heard!

By Rose.

Call me Mrs. Peterson.

Okay, now look out. Would you shut up? Every cent I had to bail you out. I don't want to see you out of this state. Now get aboard. Okay, look, when you came here a year or two You're not. You've got a signed contract with me, brother. What are you saying? Is it like this? You can figure out something you need to. Just fill in whatever you want. Come on, go through the book for a change. Don't worry, I know all about you two.

You won't do any sensible has to do. Goodbye, sonny boy. And don't worry, you'll have 3 new coats once the train passes over me.

Mama, get up and get on that train! We have no time for any nonsense! Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what's become of Mr. Burgess. He's not in jail. Why should I know where he is? I haven't seen him all night. I'm just down here saying goodbye to Clovie. Mr.

Peterson, now there's no need to get all excited here. After all, there's no real harm done. We can go right together again. As a matter of fact, since Phineas didn't have a this morning. Hugo gave you a promise ring and she accepted him.

Oh, my life is over now. I just want to sell the house and move into a home.

Booker I.M. Eldridge, 6:30 on the button. Where's Conrad?

He left at 6:25.

But you told me to be here at 6:30. Great job. Albert, you wanted us in this session.

Well, stands to reason, Rose. Why get on a train to New York when we have tickets to Punky Falls, Iowa?

What's in Plumpkin Falls, Iowa?

Oh, they're teaching staff at Plumpkin Falls Junior High School. I read about it in this morning's paper. They need someone to teach English and domestic science. And I was like, hope you can write documents because they— yeah, need to be married. Who else is speaking? I confess that nothing left me colder. I would watch a daisy for hours, and all I'd feel was several hours colder. My legs would freeze and make me wheeze. All that it did was make me shrug or sneeze. But now— —will Rosie be as little Rosie? We will be so cozy by a fire built for two. Oh, I once heard a poem that goes, a rose is a rose is a rose, but I couldn't read. Take it from me, there's one rose sweeter than any that grows, and that's my Rosie. I'm so glad she chose me. Life is one sweet, beautiful song to you. Now my life is a rose. Happy night, Rosie.

8 years, 8 years, that's how long I wasted on him. That's all. I'm through. Out of here, to bed sweetie. To hell with you. That's right, to hell with me. From now on, it's just gonna be me. On the town, singing, dancing, having fun, making up for 8 years of being alone with a mom watching as friends cling, 6-foot tower of jello.

What did I ever see in you?

How could I ever be involved that way? Now that it's over, I can finally say, what did I ever see in you? Boy, I'd stay out alone. Now that I've been wrong and round again. Now that my senses have been found again. What did I actually hear? Is he tender? No, he's not. Is he thoughtful? No, he's not. Am I crazy? What's he got that I found so damn appealing? What did he ever do for me? How could I ever think that he was nice? To take it from me, I paid an awful price. It was rough from the start. Broken teeth, broken nails, broken heart. How did I ever— why did I ever— why did I ever— Don't be upset, Sunrise. All men can't be like that. Every one of them. Except for maybe Albert Schweitzer and I, maybe. They're all the same, from puberty to senility, from Arnold to Mussolini. I never understood why you make workmen marry women of personal interest. Egotistical, selfish human beasts. Then what are we poor women to do without them? Use them. Let them be our playthings while we sit from the comfort of our mixed proportion, full strong and trainees with legs. How do you like them apples, Mr. Peterson? Do we need them? No, we don't. Do we want them? No, we don't. No, we won't tell me what did I say that. What did we ever see in them? How could we ever think that they were nice? Take it from us, we paid an awful price. It was rough from the start. Broken teeth, broken nails, broken heart. Why did I ever see in them? Huh? Hugo? What if I ever see him? Why, he's as bad as his abusive, if not worse. Miss Alvarez? I'm coming with you! Oh, don't be ridiculous, Kim. You're only 16. Oh, Juliette was 14 when she left home, and look what happened to her. Look, why don't you just get some milk and cookies and go to bed? It's too late for cookies, Miss Alvarez. I want to live! —help each other with our potions.

The last time, Oliver, I'm fine. I don't feel like going to bed. Now leave me alone. Be reasonable, Bob. I've had a severe shock. Best thing to do is go upstairs. The traitor who stabbed me in the heart while my back was turned!

Dad, I'm not leaving Albert. Be careful, Sonny, where she may be armed.

I can handle her, Mama. You go upstairs with Conrad and see if he gets you to bed.

Conrad waits for me. We'll make you a nice hot cup of taro latte. For the last time, Albert, let me by. I'm going into town tonight and I don't want to waste another minute.

Not until I've had my say, Rose. I just want to let you know that thanks to Mama's quick thinking, the kiss will take place after all. Tomorrow morning at the railroad station, guess what time? So it looks like you failed, Rose. As anyone must fail who tries to fuck Alec Peterson, one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry.

What did I ever see in you? How could I ever think that he was nice? Take it from me, I paid an awful price. It was love from the start. Broken, just broken now. —broken heart. An empire builder. A colossus. Get out of my way, you deep fracking little Caesar.

What did I ever see in him? Rosanne, I need you. Oh, Rosanne, please don't do this. And I don't care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarez, you're through here at Almaylou. Not only do I accept your resignation, but furthermore, you're fired. Oh, and remember one more thing: sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me, you big rat. I'm sorry to do this in front of you folks, but I I had to let Miss Alvarez go. Oh, I'll get that. It's probably Aunt Tiny. Hello, this is Albert J. Peterson speaking. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis, but Miss Alvarez is no longer with us.

That's right. Rosie, wait for me! I'm coming with you! And where do you think you're going, young lady?

I'm with Rosie to pray and leave the dragons of the full-hearted from you come to live. Upstairs. But, but, Dad, I'm so sorry. Did you hear me? I said upstairs.

Rosie was raped. You are all the same, from puberty to Mussolini.

Oh, you dare say puberty in front of your own father? Not to mention Mussolini. Doris, we have failed as parents. You know, I never asked for much from my children, just respect. Just a little respect, that's all I wanted. Respect. But did I get respect? No. I got no respect. I get no respect! I respect you, Pop! I don't want your respect.

You're a child.

And what good is respect from a child? Doris, take me upstairs. I'm not a woman. You know, there are certain words I did not want to hear in this house. Puberty was the first, and Newsome was the second, and respect was the third! Now you listen here, Mr. Lewis, no 3-cent reporter can bulldoze me. I happen to be Albert J. Peterson, and you can print that in whatever cheap paper you happen to represent. It's not a paper, it's a magazine. It's not Mr. Lewis, it's Mr. Loose. Oh, Rosie, I need you. Sonny boy, where you going? Nowhere, Mom, just out. It's stuffy in here tonight, so I'm going out.

To find Rosie, Mom.

I love her and I want her back.

Is that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, Sonny boy, go find her. See, now this and bring them back here. Oh, and when you get back, be sure to go into the kitchen, take my head out of the oven, and turn off the gas.

Mama! This is Strange's house. I don't want to wake up the cook. Mama, I've had enough of this! If you really loved me, you'd come and find Rosie before it's too late. Don't you see what's happening? The poor girl's gone out to make up for all the years she's wasted on me. Who knows what low dive she's in at this very moment.

Oh, you're right, honey, but I'll help you find her. Oh, maybe I better give you the message from Conrad first.

What message? Oh, nothing to worry about, darling.

He just says that he's going out tonight and doesn't think he'll be back in time to kiss you tomorrow.

Oh, why didn't you come in support?

Oh, I tried to, darling sweetheart, but you were too concerned with a certain female distraction.

I don't know what the matter with him is. He knows how much this means to me. Conrad! Conrad! Conrad! You're coming, Albert. And before you start your hollering, I just want you to know I've made up my mind. I'm tired of getting out of bed at 9 every morning, having kids watch me when they eat and poke me in the eye. I want to go out, have some fun, get a couple of young chicks. Don't you understand, Albert? I am tense. Oh my God, just stand there, do something.

Uh, Conrad, did you Do you ever think in terms of a more mature woman?

I hope I never get that tense. Now listen here, buddy boy, tonight's my last free night before I go into the army, and I am going out. You can't go out without my permission. It says so in your contract. Molly, get the contract. Drat, it's in my boot. Never mind, I'll get it myself. Conrad, you stay right there. We got a lot of living to do. This is the space already for us to spin, and there's our lights, all shiny and new. We gotta move, 'cause time is a-wasting. There's such a lot of living to do. Everything for you and me.

Hey, you can slip your ducks out. Yes, Mr. Rudy. Blow it out with a stump. We have blowpipes. Got an 1852 from Jeremiah S.

I mean, what do you guys have for fun? Are you going to have a ball?

Well, there's the church basement and the sweet shop, and the older kids go to the ice house. What's there? I don't know, ice, I guess.

Kim! Kim! Kim, where are you? Have you seen Kim? Don't ask me, ask Conrad Murphy. What are you talking about? They're out together having moonlight swims and motorboat races and loop-the-loops. I'm gonna do the only sensible thing: drink myself to death! Motorboat races? Moonlight swims? Loop-the-loop? Dorks! Grab my gun! Who's grabbing it? Oh no. But I intend on seeing him, so if you have a message, I'd be glad to deliver it after I shoot him. Shoot him? Oh, Rosie! I gotta find Rosie! Oh dear, what are you talking about?

You know you don't have a gun.

There's an 80-year-old rifle in the garage. That's mine, Pop. You shut up! I wonder why I have to buy BBs this late. Anyway, it's broken. Then give me anything. That, that bow and arrow I bought you last Christmas with the suction tip. Don't just stand there. My daughter has run off and left me to loop the loop. Grab me a water gun. Kids, I don't know what's wrong with these kids today. Kids, understand. Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful folks. Noisy, crazy, talk too much, and won't work. And while on the subject, kids, you can gnaw and talk till your face is blue. But kids, they still just don't like what you do. Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way? What's the matter with kids today? See, I don't mind the goodnight swings. It's the loop-the-loop that hurts. Kids! Why don't they lower the draft age? Say, to about 11. I didn't know what puberty was until I was almost past it. Kids, they're just impossible to control. Kids with their awful clothes and their rock and roll. Why did we ever need them? Hi, Pop. Here's my pea shooter. A pea shooter? A pea shooter. What good's that? Give it to me. What's the matter with kids today? I'll have a double rocks on the scotch. And put some rocks in it this time. Can you make me a vodka malted? How old are you? 32? Get out. What about a beer? Out.

Just let me sit here without anything glass in front of me.

Beat it.

Can I demand to see the manager?

Where's Rob? I'm Rob, actually. Charles F. Rob. And if you're not out of here in one minute, I'm gonna grab you by the scruff of your neck and throw you out. Okay, now go eat. This is the last time I do my trivia in this place.

Double bourbon scotch on the side with no ice and a cherry. Make that two cherries. And bring on the dancing boys. The name's Alvarez, but I don't mind if you call me Rosie.

Rosie, out.

Now wait a minute, you can't throw me out. I'm an American citizen and it's my constitutional right to have a drink here by the TV. And you won't make me apologize for choosing to watch Animal Planet instead of the Wild and Trashy things you advise us to watch. Mr. Brody, are you all right? Are you all right?

You want a glass? Oh my. Guy named Peterson talked to you?

Tell that weaselly little rat I'm not here.

That Bruce is there. Who else would call me a weaselly little rat? Look, Rose, I've got to talk to you.

It's about Conrad. And furthermore, even if I were this Rose, which I am not, the one thing that would certainly make me hang up is any mention of anybody named Conrad.

No, Rosie, please don't hang up. We don't have to talk about Conrad. We'll talk about anything you want. You W-I-N-T. Oh, Rosie, please talk to me. Baby won't talk to me. I don't care what you say, baby, talk to me. Must be so far away from me. It seems all on its way, so true. And if you miss me, tell me so. Are you lonely? Tell me so. Say you love me, tell me so, honey, before I let you go. Talk to me till I press you close to me, then you'll see, before that too's long, I'll watch you breathe. You're so far away from me, baby. I don't care what you say, baby, don't ask me. And if you'll just be careful, so are you, only baby, baby, careful so you won't love me. Tell me so, honey, honey, when you go, talk to Jesus. I press you close to him, there you'll see. He loves you so. Rosie, are you alone? No, Albert, hi, I'm with friends. See you later, boys. See you later, boys.

Rosie, you gotta help me find Conrad.

And that's only the beginning.

From now on, the sky's the limit. Parties, dancing, balls— what's going on there?

No business of yours. That's a private dining room. Private for whom? Men only, that's who. Men only?

That's exactly what I'm looking for. I heard all about what goes on in these small towns.

Get out of there, you slut! I don't even know her! Somebody stop her! Please don't let her go in! Mama, get my clothes! And now, my fellow Shriners, by the power vested in me— Well, gentlemen, as I was saying, before the secretary plays back the tape of last week's meeting, I'd like to bring up a subject that I'm sure some people would mind to hear. As I was saying— Miss Alice, I have a favor to ask you. Could you go back in there and give me some great alcohol on the hook? Not for a million dollars. Oh, my whole world is collapsing before me.

I can't get a drink.

That kid from Oklahoma actually— Hey, Howard! Howard!

I got us an apple shooter! You stay right here.

Here it is. The street. I'm coming, Rosie. Hurry, Mom.

Why don't we—

why we have to running around all night looking for someone?

We got lots of time in the first place. If there wasn't any sunboy, you'll come home, have a nice cup of coffee, and go to bed.

I told I'm not coming home until I find Rosie. But if you want to go, that's, that's okay with me. In fact, it's not a bad idea. Why don't you go home, Mommy?

Uh, what did you say, sweetheart?

Darling? I said, why don't you go home, Mommy?

Would you mind repeating that again, sunshine of my existence?

I said go home, Mama. I don't need you anymore.

So it's come at last, at last it's come. The day I knew would come at last has come at last. My son won't keep me any longer. What? What are you waiting for? Get rid of me! Throw me out with the used grapefruits and empty cans and tuna fish! You have the right!

Please So 100,000 pussycats can walk all over a mother.

Who brought us your baby shoes?

Kissed every little bruise.

Who picked your dirty socks up off the floor? You cried and you were there. It's just too hard to bear. Mother doesn't matter anymore. With onions on my feet, I trudged through snow and sleet, separating you, my brother, From the corner store. I told my 50-year-old, so cute. I want to have nothing now anymore.

That's it. I'm ready to go.

I don't want you to spend a cent. Best if you don't sell a picture. Just wrap me in white. And gone in the river on Mother's Day. And precious by the way, the doctor calls today, but I got permission. Yes, he's sure there's nothing they can do. Oh, last one, we are two because For a condition, there's no cure. That's fine, you have a group.

Who made you choose?

And when you marry, tell them from the start, you sacrifice your life. The king, you just did not. Oh, but Mother, does it matter anymore?

I feel better now.

Everything is as it should be. A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the city dump, and a son is running around with a floozy who came looking for a good time instead of to ruin an American woman's life. Who gave up nights of rest to rub bits on your chest? That's where Sonny Boyd knew he was loved. My life has been in vain. This country is down the drain. No father, no mother, no name, no love.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Sonny Boy.

My name is not Sonny Boy.

Just like your father, you never have a clue. Mr. Peterson, have you seen Conrad and Kim? Ah, there, Mr. Mack. It's a pleasure to see you again. Unfortunately, Conrad's affairs no longer interest me. I'm here now looking for some rest, however— Conrad and Kim? They've run off together! I'm sure there's nothing to be worried about. Nora! Harry!

Is she missing too? It's 10 o'clock and I've looked everywhere.

McAfee, you haven't seen my Harvey anywhere, have you? And what about Roger and Phyllis? They're probably just all down at the drugstore, maybe having one of those gang wars. Gang wars? We don't understand anything they say. Kids, they are so ridiculous and so immature. I don't see why you can't love them once off. Just wait and see, they're just impossible to send off. You owe me love, kids, when they're all grown up and rocking and rolling. Why can't they be like you, perfect in every way? What's the matter with Kids, two kids, what the devil's wrong with these kids today? Kids, who can guess the flavors we're having at play? Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way? What's the matter with kids? What's the matter with kids? What's the matter with kids today? Everybody, good old Hugo here.

Hugo Peabody, what have you been drinking?

Milk, but it worked. Anyway, I've got some work to do. I've got to go set off some cocktails for you. Great double bill tonight, flying down to Rio in 3. Why, I'll always remember that great Cast? Doris Del Rio? Eugene Raymond? And what a score! I forgot about that. Hey Rio, why is that Rosie? Rosie? Rosie, where have you been? I've been looking for you all night. Rosie, I have good news for you. I told Mama goodbye. I'm a new man now, a world leader.

Albert King Conrad has gone down to the Ice House. The Ice House?

Doris, call the Mountaintop Police. Uh, called The Shadow. Look him up under Rob Cranston.

That is refreshing. Of course, I do prefer a beer wrap, but these will have to do. Oh man, this is the ice path. It's fun, isn't it? When you've been here as many times as I have, I mean, I've been here with practically everybody. Um, Ursula? Deborah Smith? The Girl Scouts? Those are stronger than the chocolate ones, aren't they? Conrad, you seem a bit nervous. Maybe a drag on this weed would relax you. Or how about one of those reapers I've read so much about? I think I'll have a little bit. I'll get you fixed if you just tell me what it is. What do you got, a donkey on your back? As long as I have my phone, I'm not here struggling. Just because you're a few years younger than I am, I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable. I'm 27. Or 28. It's one of those two. So you see, I know the score. I even know some of the words. I'm gonna be a premium. Jilby? That's a real good one. There you are, receptionist one!

There he is. Thank God you've come!

Everybody, go to your lawyer! Thank goodness you've come. I can't tell you what humiliation I've been through.

That's all I needed to hear. Take him away. No, wait! I'll wear that point! This is Albert J. Peterson speaking! Let me handle this.

Why don't we all rest in the house today and I'll go to the courthouse and try to get him tonight?

Rosie, I don't think you understand. This is the new Albert I told Mama about. Albert, you didn't! But I did. And the new Albert is going down to the courthouse to deal with the mayor. And I'd appreciate it if you'd meet me at the railroad station tomorrow morning at 6:30, when I intend to be there with Maude. And Rosie, did I mention that I loved you?

Not yet, Albert.

I love you too. All right! Oh, Rosie, nothing can stop you now. Care for a little hot chocolate with an old friend?

I'll always have time to speak to the woman. By tomorrow evening, I will be able to call her— Don't say it, Rose. I'll be able to call her mother. Oh!

Wildest word I ever heard.

There's no one here.

Come on. Okay, look, Albert, would you shut up? It took every cent I had to bail you out, and I don't want to see you until you're out of the state. Now get a hold of— Look, whether you pay me an appearance fee or not, you've got to sign a contract with me forever. What are you saying? This is a blank piece of paper I signed in my name too. You just fill in whatever you want.

Oh, hello, Albert. Mom.

Rose looked good for a change. Don't worry, I know all about you two.

No, and I will not I'll do what any sensible mother has to do. Goodbye, Mother. Don't worry, you'll have free meat stoves once the train passes over me.

Get off and get on that train! I have no time for any nonsense! Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what you've done with Mr. Purdy. He's not upstairs. How should I know where he is? I haven't seen him all night. I'm just here to say goodbye to— Mr. Peterson. Now there's no need to give up this idea.

After all, it was a real warm night. You two could work back together again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing happened this morning. You go make him a promise ring, and she accepted him! Dear, what's wrong?

My life is over now. I might as well just sell the house and move into a home. All aboard! Well, Albert, here I am, 6:30 on the button.

Where's Conrad? He left at 6:25. But you told me to be here at 6:30. Didn't you, Mama? Albert, you wanted us to miss that train.

Well, it stands to reason, Rose. Why get on a train to New York when we have tickets to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? What's in Pumpkin Falls, Iowa?

Pumpkin Falls, Iowa?

An opening in the teaching staff at Pumpkin Falls Junior High School. I read about it in this morning's paper. They want someone to teach English and domestic science. And I hope you brought your documents, Rose, because they prefer the applicants to be married. Guess that nothing left me colder. I could watch it dizzy for hours, and all I knew was simple hours old. Would I like some peas? Anything you please. All that would do was make me shrug or sneeze. But now I know Awesome that I see for a lovely rose. Now my life is rosy since I found my Rosie. With a girl like Rosie, how could I be blue? Hand in hand, we'll Me and little Rosie, we will be so cozy by a fire built for two. Oh, I once heard a poem that goes, a rose is a rose is a rose, but I will be safe from me. There's one rose sweeter than any other rose, and that's my rose indeed. I'm so glad she chose me. Life is one sweet beautiful song to me. Now I like this rose, since I got mine. How could I be through? All will have a soul, the outer and the inner.

Sometimes a little spritz of black on red. And in every room, roses in bloom.

But this one rose, in your hand, All of the rest at that time will go.

I'm a slave, you shall be free.

Life is one sweet beautiful song. If love is right, then why could we be wrong? Life is one sweet beautiful song to me.