Bye Bye Birdie Thursday

We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.

Yes, I know that, sir, but think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the American teenager. No, I'm not suggesting the boy doesn't want to go into the army, it's just that— No, I'm not trying to— Well, it seemed to me that— 2 weeks from today? At the induction center? It will be there. Oh, Rosie, thank goodness you've come. This is the end of our Maple Music Corporation. Conrad Bird is going into the army.

And your faithful secretary is here by submitting her resignation.

Huh?

I just dropped by to say goodbye, Officer Bird. Lots of love.

No, Rosie, you can't. Not today of all days. Oh my goodness. Where are my clothes? What bikinis did I take? My mobile phone?

Here.

Not so much. Break it in half.

Albert, you're 33 years old. You can take a whole aspirin.

I am not 33. I'm a long way from 33. I won't be 33 till tomorrow. Water!

It's no use, Albert. My mind's been made up. I've been with Allen Blue 8 years now, and as you well know, I've been much more than just a secretary to you.

Those were moments of madness.

Well, between moments of madness and the office, I couldn't live a nice hour with you.

I didn't. You want a raise?

Wrong! You know what I want.

Rose, if you're referring to anything of a more permanent nature between you and me, I'm not ready for it. Besides, there are religious differences.

Irish is not a religion.

And if it's part of the company you're after, the answer is no to that too. I'll make you lose me, Mama, and you, and any change in it would kill that wonderful bullet who bore me.

Nothing can kill your mother except maybe a silver bullet.

And I won't drop the bullet too, either. He loved you, Rose.

And I loved him too. He was warm, he was loyal, he was lovable, but he died 6 years ago. And besides that, he was a wire-haired terrier. Anyhow, I don't want to hurt you, Pimpy. This is something much more important.

Rosie, if you're going to discuss what I think you're going to discuss, I have no mood to discuss it.

There's nothing to discuss. Conrad worries we'll lose the army. I exist, you've no choice but to go back to college again. You're old.

Me? I am up to my ears in debt. Conrad has a $50,000 guarantee I can't pay, and I've just taken a severe overdose of aspirin.

Albert, this could be your last chance. Will you ever listen to me, Albert? I'm serious. Okay, so going in the army isn't best for me, but you can now be free to start to do what you want to. Albert, Albert, Albert, remember how you told me I should trust you for a year? It would just be for a year. But it's 8 years, Albert. 8 long years, Albert. Albert, it's time What is this? It was only a sign my master teacher said we just needed some money. Master teacher said we were going to college and in our head we said we didn't need to visit school anymore. We were going to NYU and because— they were winning with speech. And Herb Murphy wrote a bunch of poetry. And in the NYU yearbook from 1952 under Albert Peterson's favorite piece of literature, you know what it says? Little Women. I am Roman in show business. Goodbye, Jeffrey Chaucer. Hello, Billy Morris. Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Almy Lou Cox. When you broke on as first of the buggy group, then I knew That was it. You were free. With English forever. And in English, to serve is free. Always be someone out there. If you had only come on in, it could have been such a wonderful life. I could have been your sister instead. This is Albert Pearson. This is my big brother Pearson. He left Peter's wife.

Stay with me and help me get the money to pay Conrad's guarantee, and as soon as I have the credit, I'll dissolve the company and go back to the advertising class.

Albert, you're on!

Of course, it may take some time, but I'm sure that by 1973 or '74, it's going to explode. What's that?

Something that's going to push that data up in the air. Pick a name.

What name? What are you talking about?

Sign all 240. Mackenzie. Kim Mackenzie, age 16, president and recording secretary of Conrad Bernie Fan Group. Number 274 is Sweet Apple Pie. Mary, can you give me the number for Sweet Apple Pie? It's capital 7, double 8, 2. Thanks, and coming right back.

Now wait a minute, what's going on here? Who's Kim whatever her name is?

Kim Matthews was gonna send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever seen. It's called One Last Kiss.

I've never heard of it.

You haven't heard of it, but when you do, and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army for for 2 long years. And when he gives that kiss to one of his fans, chosen at random from 1,002,000 hysterical teenagers, it'll make Conrad worthy of a hot silverstone stone mark.

I'm beginning to see it.

We cut the record here in New York, take Conrad's fiat, let him kiss the kid, and release the record. Albert will make enough money to go to college for the rest of your lives.

Rosie, it's wonderful. And I promise you, as soon as this whole thing is settled, it'll be just the two of us, Rose, in perfect bliss. I'll get a job teaching English and— bliss, kiss, and rhymes. I wonder if anyone's ever used it before. What difference does it make? It'll be great for the song! Oh, one last kiss, it gives so much bliss. What is your penche-prise? Oh my God, that's too quick.

Any English teacher, any English teacher, something I have in the end is bliss. Yes? Well, every phone is we have, we can't be busy. What's going on? Can I read this back into the movie? Oh, never mind, just keep trying and call me right back. Then we will cross this wonderful line. Then I will be Mrs. Peterson. Mrs. Albert Peterson. Mrs. Myrick Apple Peterson. The best teacher in the world. Hi, Helen! What's the story? Pretty glory! What's the tale? Thank you! Tell me quick, I might get behind camp! Hi, Marty! Hi, Alex! What's the story? Morning glory! What's the word? Hummingbird! Having a party across from the boy camp, did they really get pinned? Did she kiss him and cry? Did he get a pin on? Or was he too shy? The hummingbird kicked off the big deck, mouth open they would, and then at last, they were good.

That's the way to go.

Hey, Mackenzie, what do you mean you're resigning from the Birdie Fan Club? I mean, just because Hugo came, I need to baby with Penn doesn't mean you have to retire from your whole social life. I mean, going to study is very important, but there are some things more important than very important, and the Conagradie Fan Cup is one of them. I'm sorry, Ursula, but my mind's made up. Of course I'll still play soccer, but things like the pledge and the Conagradie scream are passing me by. You're giving up the scream? You mean when Conagradie sings on television, you're not gonna go— Oh, Kim! Kim, would you please get off the phone? I've got some calls to make. All right, Mother. Sorry, Ursula, I thought you'd come up. But you'll explain everything to the other kids, won't you? Ursula will have to. Bye, Kim. Kim, are you sure? I mean, after all, I mean, really, Kim, are you positively sure? I'm positive. After all, I'm 16 years old and it's time Settle down. And you have the happy glow of freedom's feeling. How lovely to be a woman, lovely with velvet white. How lovely to wear the scarlet and smile How lovely to have a finger that's rosy instead of flat. Whenever you hear boys whistle, you're with their whistling pet. It's wonderful to see your whistle. It feels— it gives you such a glow just to know it's You're wearing a sequined dress. How lovely to be a woman and have a job to do. To pick out a boy and feed him. And then when you are through, you take him back home to bed. Nice loving in your arms. How wonderful to go, the breeze up in my nose. How marvelous to wait for that date in simply beautiful clothes. How lovely to be a woman and change from boys to men to go to a Jane, there's a call for you. The operator says she's been trying to get through for nearly 3/4 of an hour. Thank you, Doris. I'll take it down. She said it was long distance. I can't imagine who. What did you say? Oh, I said thank you, Doris. That was what said his mother. To call your mother by her first name makes the mother-daughter more like pets.

You're a father?

Call him Harry, won't you? Yeah. By the way, Bill and I are all doing well. Aren't you, Doris? I don't know. Yesterday I was a mother, today I'm a pal. Why don't you guys call me Mom, not Swabber? I'm sorry, but times are changing and you've got to go along with them or be left behind with the old ones. By the way, Doris, do you happen to have cigarettes and your lighter?

I'm not an old man. I was 18 in World War II.

What's the issue? Conrad Murphy? He's coming here? To kiss me? Doris? Mother?

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no! Freddie is going to kiss me! Oh, that's nice. You're going to put your head on Mommy's shoulder. Oh, no, you're going to lick his head. Oh, no, Freddie is coming in to steal the lion's kisses. Oh, no, no! I never thought I'd say this, but God bless Congress! We love you, Conrad! Oh yes, we do! Hi girls! Sorry I'm late.

Why don't we go over the birdie song once more before we get down to the train? Oh, and remember the Conrad birdie creed here: no smoking until you're 14.

Alright, now shall we try it?

We love you, Conrad.

Oh yes, we do. We love you, Conrad.

Girl, you can be seen with us if you want. What's she looking for?

Oh, she's just sad that Conrad is going to the army. He should be too old for it when he gets back.

Well, then he should not be with you as much. Look, why don't you girls go on down to the train and I'll talk to her. Hi, I'm Albert Peterson, Conrad's manager. Come on now, you can't be that flat. Smile!

The world is gonna go sick.

I heard you smile. Please. What's the good that the old flag decides to smile? Pick out a pleasant outlook, stick out that noble chin. Wipe off that bowl of jalapeño, slap on half the raisins, and spread sunshine all over the place just for other happy faces. Oh, luggage. Uh, hurry up, we're going to be on that track 12. We want to see Connor before he goes.

Oh boy.

Uh, could you get that stuff out of track 12? Rosie, what are you doing?

Getting our things down to the station without any help from you, Albert.

I'm sorry, I don't suppose a generous tip would make things up?

Just take the briefcase and get down to the train before any I'm sorry, but I can't go to the reporters and speak to Conrad alone. You know what happened last time.

You better go, Miss Smith. I've got to wait for Mom.

Speaking of the mother, have you talked to her about this all day, how long have you been?

Rosie, I couldn't. Yesterday was the anniversary.

Of what?

Lou. 6 years ago, he was hit on 181st Street in Broadway by a loaded beer truck. Think it could be Mom?

It's either her or the all-clear. Sally! Mom!

Mom? What's the matter?

Don't worry about me, sonny. I'm just a little faint. Down the subway.

I told you to take a taxi.

Taxi? What am I into taxis? I'll leave the taxis for my successful son. A mother can ride crowded and a dirty subway full of strange people when you give me a seat if you like. Dependent on it. And what's the difference? Nowadays I'm gonna lower the skirt anyway! Here, here's the money I saved from not taking tax. Buy some candy with this. Oh, who's she?

Mama, you know Rosa Alvarez from the office.

This is Rosa Alvarez? Pretty little Rosa Alvarez? Rose, what happened? You put me out of some shock or something. Excuse me, Ellen. I think you're missing comments. I have all needs missed! Oh, there's a look at the sunnie. How nice she looks. It's a wonder to me some old man doesn't snatch her up. A person will make you lie back with a brain and a few dollars for a tattoo before a count blesses. Goodbye, Rose. Goodbye, May. Call me Mrs. Peterson.

What I wanted to tell you is sort of about Rose, maybe you've heard something about it. Why?

I know my sonny. He loves his momma. He would never say anything to break her heart. So, what about Rose?

Well, it's about Lou too.

Lou? Where are you, Lou? Struck down by the beverage I consumed faithfully for 32 years? What about you?

Well, Mama, it's just that Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up on me, Louie. Mama, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing's the matter. You killed me, that's all! Louie, I'm coming! I'm on my way up!

Mama, you don't understand. It's just that Rose thought— I mean, I thought—

I mean, they thought—

Here's some money. Take a cab home. The subway's in the track.

Nothing's too cramped for a mother. Papa, during rush hour, that's the worst time. Wait, how many blocks is it after all? Only 107. I'll walk, Mama. Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear a heavy coat. Keep your money in the inside pocket. Wait for washes.

I need a hot lunch.

Albert, I thought you were going to bring me to your dentist's Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didn't tell her at all. I mean, she seems so upset about my leaving, I thought I better wait. How does he feel? You ask how he feels? He's much too shy to tell you, so I'll tell you how he feels.

He feels brave, eager, strangely bold.

Singing, we love you, Conrad.

Oh yes, we do.

We love you, Conrad. And we'll be true when you're not near us. We're blue, all corn-fed warriors. Hey, what's the question I called when we started the program? Are you two engaged? It's easy. He's Conrad. She's Kate. They're madly in love and they can't wait for our big day.

A real pal, like a sister, fighting side Me. Here is I am, who's just a friendship ring.

4 days up, 5 days in, 8 days at home, helping our little American boy.

What has been so bad?

See, we love you, Conrad. Yes, you do. We love you, Conrad. It's so true.

Oh, I'll never forget Conrad's first words when he heard him and he sent into the Armed Forces.

Cheese!

I wonder if I'll be assigned to the front line trenches. That way I'll be sure to get myself one of those dirty germs. Or whoever's gonna be this time.

Hey, Mr. Peterson, give us the real scoop. Is Tom Bagley still freaking the world out?

His high world is fine.

He goes to church each Sunday and he does his possible job.

He seems as optimistic as ever. American boy. Is it true that our men are poor fools?

That's why I'll tell you where he came from.

Here's the story, and it's true.

He was born in Come on, everybody! Welcome to Sweet Apple! Now, before we escort you to the town hall where the mayor himself is waiting, I would like to introduce to you the girl you've chosen to bestow your kindness upon and who will now lead us reciting the honor grade pledge. Keep it up, ladies! I, Katherine Algenby, being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast, and true to God, that birdie, and the United States of America, both indivisible Liberty and justice for all! Hey Kim, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute? Um, right now? I mean, can't you wait?

I'm in an awful hurry.

I don't think so, Kim. It's important.

You go pee, buddy. What's so important that you have to talk to her right now?

What's so important? I'll tell you That's what's so important. The day after I hear my name, she goes around kissing someone else.

That's what's so important. I want you to know I'm quite upset about this. I've already had several headaches.

Who knows? Why do you know? I believe you're actually jealous of Conrad Birdie. Me, jealous?

I'm the opposite of jealous. I'm—

I'm very jealous. And I have every right to be, given who I study. That's just it. You go, I'm more steady. One may admire high white birdies, but admires the far distance and unattainable ideals. But I'm pinned to you if you go, and I don't care how common and ordinary you are. That's how I'm going to stay. You want to stay?

That's making me nervous.

I'm the other bird. High white birdies are so fleeting. Stay this way. One boy to play, to talk and run. Why, boy, that's the way it should be. That's the way it should be. One boy, one certain boy. One boy to laugh with, to jump with, and hope with. One more, not two or three. One die, you're knocked out. This is what life is all about. You need me, so I need you. Is it me? Just me? One boy, one standing boy, one boy to be with forever and ever. One boy. That's the way it should be. That's the way it should be. Oh, Father, for those who may have utterly vanished. Come back, Holy Ghost, and make me feel all faint and dizzy. Oh, Holy Spirit, just touch me. Why, even when I say His name, I can't feel a thing. Please, come back, Lord. Come back, Lord. Come back, Lord. One boy, one steady boy, one boy to be with forever. The voice she loves is the boy who brings her chicken and dumplings baked. And you heard her, lady. That boy is me.

And so, it is with great pride and prejudice, as well as with considerable pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you to our fair city and present you with a 14-karat solid gold key, so generously donated by men down the street at the warehouse. And as I present this key to you on my birthday—

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

What happened? All I said was Conrad Burns. If you girls don't stop that, I can't finish my speech.

Who cares about your speech? We want to hear from Conrad. Speak to us, O beautiful one. Tell us how you made that glorious sound that even now, in anticipation of it, has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting, yowling beast.

You gotta be sincere. You gotta be sincere. Mr. Burton, what are you doing? You gotta believe, 'cause if you feel it here, well then you're gonna be honestly sincere.

Daddy, please, I wish you'd hurry and let all this mess get away before Conrad comes down.

This mess, as you call it, happens to be my breakfast, and I intend to enjoy it.

Your father has the right to finish his eggs too, but I'm sure he won't mind if you use quiet and certain language with these other things. Now, I know the house has been hectic this morning. The kids got into a lot of trouble to fix the special breakfast set up for Mr. Bertie, and I want to make sure everything is right. Ready and prepared for him when he comes down. After all, he is a national figure, and I want to make sure that these beautiful people know that we know how to take care of the national figure here in Sweet Apple. Of course, it doesn't really mean that much to me. It's all for King's sake. Oh, there we are. All done. Did you enjoy it here?

Doris, I'm not budging from this —until I smoke my pipe, read my paper, and get my coffee. Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I completely forgot to make your coffee this morning. How about a nice warm 7-Up? Morning, Pa!

Oh, here's your paper. I hope you don't mind if I cut out a few stories about combat. Huh. I have tried to raise this house on a democratic basis. I have extended the right of self-determination to both the woman I have married and the children I have sired. The vote has been denied to no one for reasons of age, sex, or political affiliations. There has been no taxation without representation, and open covenants have been openly arrived at. Last night, I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as Gumby. Phone calls from me to New York, Chicago, There is Alaska and Hong Kong. I slept with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray while three harpies shrieked outside my window, "We love you, Conrad," 4,273 times. I had just lost two Fridays. Gentlemen, the democracy's over. Parliament is dissolved. The Magna Carta is revoked. And Nero is back in town!

And you don't laugh at an emperor one second enough.

Oh, I hope you won't mind staying off the phone for a few minutes. We're expecting a long-distance call from New York. I'll just go wardrobe.

Mother, what is wrong with him? Nothing, dear. He's just a little excited about Conrad's being here, that's all.

He's coming, he's coming!

He's coming! I'll get the guests. Girls, he's coming! You better hurry if you want to watch him eat! Okay, we are here! That's all right, first we just have to keep him asleep. We'll stay quiet and ask him to eat.

Here he is!

I'll make lunch. Oh, hey, Gumby.

Now, Doris, about that boy— Harry, he's just a little shy.

Ask me.

And besides, Kim is only 16, and I don't want to—

I don't care.

No ill-mannered mouths. You tell me! Shut up! This is my house, and until you are 18—

Daddy!

I said shut up! Until you are 18— Daddy! Will you leave me alone?

Mr.

and Mrs. McAfee, Kim Randolph, is this the way you want 75 million Americans to see you? What? You're a We've got television contracts. On television? I just got confirmation from New York, from Ed Sullivan himself. You mean we're gonna— we're gonna be on the Sullivan Show? The Ed Sullivan Show? That's right. They're going to put it on Sweet Apple Sunday night at 8:05, and we're all going to be on it. That's why I beg you to put aside all petty differences, and that's That great audience out there, you're an American dream come true. And for the free world's sake, Mr. McAfee, don't destroy that dream. Me on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed Sullivan. Me, Harry McAfee, appearing with Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan.

How could I be perfectly happy sporting the devil's jersey? We'll be coast to coast with our favorite host, Ed Sullivan. That's the way, that's the way, very, very far, the greatest sailor. I love you. He's been using the movie house for the past few years, but I think he'll be just fine with the TV channel.

Swell, Rose.

Now, what I wanted to tell you— They're shipping down the camera and lights and any costumes we need.

Rosie, if you'll forget about the Sullivan Show for just one minute and come with me, I have something very important I want to talk to you about.

About you and I, Rose. You and me, Mr. English Major?

I'm serious. What I want to say is that I'm very glad you and I— and me— are out here together. Being away from New York has made me see all kinds of things in a different light. That's why I want to let you know that I wrote a letter to Mama and I told her no matter what, I have decided to give up on me. Albert, you didn't! I go to the day club, which gives 3 days and 3 nights for her to respond to me, and so far not a word. If you ask me, she'd accepted the whole thing by now. Come in.

3 days 3 nights on a Trailways bus. What's the difference? I'm only a mother, and for a mother, a Trailways bus is good enough.

Mom, what are you doing here?

You didn't think I wouldn't come? A mother gets a letter obviously written under the influence of drugs, and she should say a word. This is to let you know that all they do is dissolve. Your friend, Albert. All they do is dissolve? Dissolve me? Who am I anyway? A sick old woman? Probably my last night. I just want one simple song with one line of pause on it. I'll get some other. And don't hire a limousine to get me to my final resting place. I'll walk.

And tell that friend of yours I forgive her.

She knoweth not what she doeth.

Mama Rose is right here. This—

this is Rose? She's horrible! Albert! poor Clayton, and sent him back to Ireland. And don't worry about finding a replacement for a secretary. It just so happens that on my way here, I met the most wonderful, refined girl on her way to Akron until I was ready for her to get off here. Sonny, say hello to Gloria Rasputin!

Hi, Al! Hey, you're cute! But, Ma, I don't need a secretary. I have Rosie.

But does Rosie need a job? Well, you're also getting Social Security. Listen, I don't just type.

You do other things?

I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you could help me get into showbiz. Hold this, Al. Minnie, come on over here, will you? It's my favorite sweatshirt. Get a load of this, Al. Well, do I get a job? I don't know.

I mean, you certainly have qualifications, but I'm just working through this No, that's— however, as you say, Mama, we are facing a certain amount of extra work and— you want to stay down there?

For a few minutes. May I give you a hand, Mommy? I'll help you pull from the other side. Easy now. It's okay, Sonny. For the movies, they can always cut away when I jackknife. Sonny, why don't you Let's take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types.

Well, you have all these releases to get out. Do you think Gloria can do them? Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie.

Why should it make any difference to me?

Ah, the girl Rosie, you stay here and keep working in. I'll go along with this rescue.

How far can you type, Margaret?

Do you have the use of the touch system?

Whatever possible. I could kill him. I could just kill him. Excuse me, Miss Alvarez?

But I'm looking for Kim McPhee. I just wanted to know if she loves to kiss someone out of the ring on that soap opera show tonight, because if she does, I'll—

Miss Alvarez? Is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez, it's me, Hugo Peabody. Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? Yes, Hugo. I think you can.

The current way to invest in color slides is to insist on new Kodak. And now, the young man you've all been waiting to see. Oh yeah! As you know, in just about 14 hours, one of show business' brightest talents is going off to play a very special engagement.

And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady with one last kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, We take you to Sweet Apple, Ohio, where a typical American family, Mr. and Mrs. Harry McAfee and their children Randolph and Kim, are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier, Conrad Birdie.

Brace yourself, everybody. He deserved this. He was a thief of love.

Who let that kid in here?

I did, Albert. Oh.

It's a sort of farewell present to you and Mrs.

Raskinson. Wear it and wake up.

No, Rosie, come back.

We can't leave you here alone. You're not alone, Albert. You're on television. 8 years, 8 years, that's how long I'm wasting on him. That's all I knew how to do. To the sweet pea, to hell with you. That's right, to hell with you. From now on, it's just me, Rosie, on this mountain, singing, dancing, having a ball, making up for 8 weeks of being alone with a monopod shooting aspirins through the 6-foot tower of Jello. What did I ever see in you? Is he a hater? No, he's not. Is he lonely? No, he's not. Am I crazy? Was he the guy I found so damn other than me? What did he have to do for me? How could I have believed that he was nice? To get with me, I paid an awful price. He was lost from the stars, broken teeth, broken limbs, broken heart. Why did I ever? Why did I ever? Why did I ever? You know what you said this summer? All men can't be like that. Every one of them. Except for maybe Albert Schweitzer and Immanuel Kant. They're all the same. From puberty to senility. From Arnold to Mussolini. I never understood why you and Bergman married him in the first place. Egotistical, selfish human beasts. Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Elspeth? Use them. Let them be our playthings while we Sit down and talk about it. Missy wants you both strong and ready for this. Kinda like that mouse, Mr. Peterson. Do you believe them? No, we don't. Do you want them? No, we don't. Look at me here. Nobody will tell me what did I say that was wrong. What did we ever see in you? How could we ever think that they were nice? Take it from my big man, Uncle Bryce. It was rough from the start. Broken teeth, broken nails, broken heart. Why did I ever speak it? Hugo and T-Bone. Huh? Hugo, what have I ever seen from you? Bryce is as bad as Mr. Peterson, if not worse. Is that worse? I'm coming with you. Don't be ridiculous, kid. You're only She's only 16. Juliet was 14 when she left home, and look what happened to her. Look, why don't you just get some milk and cookies and go to bed then? Oh, it's too late for cookies to stop this. I want to live! We're crazy with bags. We can help each other with our groceries.

For the last time, Albert, I'm fine and I don't feel like going to bed. And now leave me alone! You had a spear shot at the best of you, you miserable upstairs— Aha! There she is. The traitor stabbed me in the heart while my back was turned.

Get out of my way, Albert! Be careful, silly boy, she may be armed!

Mama, I can handle her. Now you go upstairs and find that stupid piece of paper.

Alright, wait for me. We'll make you a nice hot cup of tea. How about a pair of icing? For the last time, Albert, let me go. I'm going on the town tonight and I don't want to waste another minute.

Not until I've had my say, Rose. I just want to let you know that things tomorrow must proceed. The kiss will take place after all. Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. So it looks like you failed, Rose. As anyone must fail who tries to fuck Albert Peterson, one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry.

How could I ever think that he was nice? To get from me, I paid an awful price. It was rough from the start. Broken face, broken nose, broken heart. An empire builder, a colossus. Get out of my way, you deep-rocking-less teacher. What did I ever see in him? Rosie, come back here!

What did you do? You did wrong, darling. Rosie, Rosie, I need you. Rosie, please come back. And I don't care how you plead and beg, this outcome Yes, you're through here, Dalmatian.

Not only do I accept your resignation, but furthermore, you're fired.

Oh, and remember one more thing: sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me, you big rat. Sorry to do this in front of you folks, but I have to let this out for a second. Hello, this is Albert J. Peterson speaking. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis, but Miss Alvarez is no longer with us.

That's right. Miss Alvarez, wait for me! I'm coming with you!

And where do you think you're going, young lady?

We broke in to bring these medicines that the cold-hearted women helped take away. Upstairs. But the child needs food! Did you hear me?

I said Upstairs.

Rosie was right. You're all the same, with puberty and loose saloon.

You dare say puberty in front of your own father? Not to mention you, Celine. Doris, we have failed as parents. You know, I never asked for much from my children. Just respect. That's all I wanted. Just a little a little respect, that's all. But did I get respect?

No, I got no respect.

I get no respect. I respect you, Pop. I don't respect you.

Are you sure?

All right, Shannon. In all good respect, I'm gonna shut up. Take me upstairs. I'm not going in. You know, there's certain words I didn't want to hear in this house. Puberty was the first, and Mussolini was the second, and respect was the third! Now listen here, Mr. Lewis, no 3-cent reporter can bulldoze me. I happen to be Albert J. Peterson, and you can print that in whatever sheet of paper you happen to represent. It's not the paper, it's the magazine. And it's not Mr. Lewis's, it's Mr. Lew's.

Where are you going, sonny boy?

Nowhere, Mom, I'm just out. It's nothing in here tonight, so I—

So look for Rosie, Mom.

I love her and I want her back.

Though, though it's pretty serious. By all means, sonny boy, go find her, beat down the scratch, and bring her back here. Oh, and when you get back, be sure to go into the kitchen Take my hand out of the oven and turn off the gas! Uh-huh.

It's a strange house, isn't it, Mother? Mama, I've had enough of this. If you really loved me, you'd help me find Rosie before it's too late. Don't you see what's happening? The poor girl's trying to make up for all the years she wasted on me. Who knows what lone lives are sitting at this very moment?

You're right, sonny boy. I'll help you find them. Oh, maybe I better give you a message. I just got a message from Conrad first.

What message?

Oh, don't worry about it, darling. He just said that he's going out tonight and he will be back in time to kiss you tomorrow.

Mom, why didn't you tell me this before?

Oh, I tried to, darling, sweetheart, but you were too concerned with a certain female distraction.

I don't know what the matter with me is. He knows how much this means to me. Conrad! Conrad! Take it easy, I'm coming. And before you start your hollering, Albert, I just want you to know I made up my mind I'm tired of getting out of bed at 9 every morning, having kids watch me when I eat, and letting them poke me in the eye. I want to go out, have some fun, meet a couple of young chicks. Don't you understand how hard I have it?

Hence, don't you stay here and do something? Hi, Brad. Did you ever think in terms of a more mature Woman!

I hope I never get that tense. Now listen here, buddy boy, tonight's my last night out before I go into the Army, and I am going out. You can't go out without my permission. It says so in your contract. Call me, get the contract, and see if I— never mind, I'm kidding myself. Contract, you stay right there. There are just like the sun is setting, and I mean to kiss me on you. Man, those chicks don't know what they're missing. I've got a lot of living to do. Sizzling steak's already crispy, and There's glass all shiny and new. Gotta move, 'cause time isn't a wastin'. There's such a lot of living to do.

There are birds, I bet you're too busy. You are small and that's fantastic. What's the lowdown on this town? Sweet Apple O'Pipes, founded in 1852 by Jeremiah— I mean, what do you guys do for fun? Are you gonna have a ball? Well, there's the church basement and the cake shop, and the older kids go to the ice house. What's there? I don't know. Ice, I guess? It's a so-habits tradition in Derby that the ice house is where people go if they want to be left alone.

Ain't you the chick I was supposed to be looking for?

I am not a chick, I am a full-grown woman, and I expect people who know it. And this song is written for you.

You're alive, so come on and show it. Oh, we've got a lot of living, such a lot of living, what a lot of living to do. Kim! Kim! Kim, where are you? Cupid, have you seen Kim? Don't ask me, ask Clark Redbird. What are you talking about? They're out together having moonlight swims and motorboat races and loop-the-loops. God forbid I do the only sensible thing: drink myself to death.

Moonlight swim?

Motorboat race? Both races. Loop the loop? Doris, grab my gun! Oh, isn't that creepy? You haven't seen Juan, right? No, but I intend on seeing him, so if you have a message, I'd be glad to deliver it after I shoot him. Oh, Rosie, I got a wife, Rosie!

Oh dear, what are you talking about?

You know you don't have a wife. There's that lazy heir I told him to Gosh, that's mine! You shut up! I don't care, I can buy these.

Anything I just spoken here, don't give me anything.

That, that bow and arrow I bought you last Christmas with the suction tip. Don't just stand there, my daughter has run off with a beam to loop the loop. Give me a water.

Chase, I don't What's wrong with these kids today?

Kids, you can't understand anything they say. Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful folks. Noisy, crazy, soft, lazy, both. And while we're on the subject, kids, you can talk until your face is blue.

But kids, they still do just what they love to do. And while you're doing what you love to do, We were perfect in every way. Wasn't that with kids today?

Kids. You know, I don't mind the new life forms. It's the loop, the loop that hurts. Kids. Why don't we look at the draft age, say, to about 11? I didn't know what purity was until I was almost past it. Hey, Doc, here's my peashooter. Peashooter? What? Good sir, give it to me. What's the matter with kids today?

I'll have a double rocks on the scotch.

Put some rocks in it this time. Can you make me a vodka malted? How old are you? 32. Yeah. What about a beer?

Out. Can we stay here without any glass in front of me?

Beat it.

I demand to see the manager. Where's Maude? I'm Maude.

Charles F. Maude. And if you're not out of here in 1 minute, I'm gonna grab You're driving by the Scruff Building. I can throw you out. Okay, I'm going.

This is the last time I invite Tricky at this place. Double bourbon, scotch on the side with no ice, and a cherry. Make that 2 cherries. And bring on the dancing boys. The name's Atlas, but I want you to call me Rosie.

Rosie out.

Now wait a minute. I am an American citizen, and it is my constitutional right to You have a Greek who fights with Jews, and a Roman who fights with Jews, and many men who are wild and trashy who fear or fight the Jews. This Roman is going to have a party tonight, and he's coming out.

Tell the liar, a guy named Pearson to talk to you.

Tell that weasel little rat I'm not here.

That Brutus is there. Who else would know the weasel little rat? Look, Brutus, I've got to talk to you about stuff. Come on, rat.

And furthermore, he didn't fight Brutus, right? But I am not. The one thing that would certainly make me hate them is any mention of anybody named Conrad.

No, Rosie, please don't hang up. We don't have to talk about Conrad.

We can talk about anything you want.

You, me, I, anything. Oh, Rosie, please. I don't care what you say, baby, it's hard to believe. Why must you be so far away from me? It seems all wrong this way, it's hard to believe. And if you could speak, tell me so, are you lonely? Tell me so, say you love me. Tell me so, call me. Oh, why do you let me go?

Talk to me, dear, I beg you.

And if you would speak, tell me so, are you lonely? Lady, tell me so, are you lonely?

Who are you? Are you letting go?

It's almost past sunset.

No, Albert, I am your friend. See you later. See you later, please.

We'll see you later, boys. Rosie, you got to help me find Conrad.

And that's only the beginning. From now on, the sky's the limit. Parties, dancing, boats. What's going on in there?

No business of yours. I have a private night for me.

Private for whom? Men only, that's who. Men only? That's exactly what I'm looking for. I've heard all about what goes on in these small towns. I'm going to sleep.

No, I— No, wait, somebody stop Rosie. Don't go in there. Wait, I'll be right And now, gentlemen, by the power vested in me— Well, before the secretary gets back with the recording from last week's meeting, I'd like to bring up the subject of last week's meeting. Well, as I was saying—

No! Miss Albers, I have a favor to ask you. Could you go back in there and give us some great alcohol though? Not for a million dollars. Oh, my whole world is collapsing before me.

I can't get a drink. The kids are off in Colorado.

Jugo, you stay right here. Now I'm in trouble. Here it is, Simone.

12 seconds free. I got you, Rose. Hurry, Mom.

I don't know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it would be better not to find in the first place.

If he was really some boy, we'll come home, have a nice cup of postum, and go to bed. You. But if you want to go, that's okay with me. In fact, it's not a bad idea. Why don't you go home, Mom?

Uh, what did you say, sweetheart?

Darling? I said, why don't you go home, Mom?

Would you mind repeating that again, sunshine of my non-existent existence?

I said go home, Mom. I don't need you.

I What are you waiting for? Get rid of me! Throw me out! Use grapefruits in the empty can to doof it! And never mind if we do it all! Leave it So 100,000 pussycats, you want all of them?

Who brought you baby shoes? Kissed every one of them?

Who picked your dirty socks up off the floor? And he was there. It's just too hard to bear. The mother doesn't matter anymore. With blankets on my feet, I trudged through snow and sleet to bring you a little present from the —just wrap me in a flag and dump me in the river, my mother said. Precious, by the way. The latter, father said. Would I not uncondition? Yes, he sure would. There's nothing they can do, unless what we want to. Because for for her condition, there's no cure. That's how you had to prove who made you, Jesus. And right you marry till her rope was up. You sacrifice her life and beg to get the nothing. Oh, what mother doesn't matter? See, everything isn't as it should be. A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the city dump, and a son is running around with a floozy who came looking for a good time and stayed to ruin an American woman's life! Who gave up nights of rest to rob this spider chest? The star-swept boy, till he was blind, a blind man's bestest friend, did for free down the drain, as a mother does it now to a rose. Yes, Sonny Boy. Good night, Mom. Good night, Sonny Boy.

My name is not Sonny Boy.

You're just like your father. You marry anything. I need to get out of here. Lucy, Lucy, have you seen Conrad?

There he is, you're back. It's a pleasure to see you again. Unfortunately, Conrad's affairs no longer interest me. I'm here now looking for her first appetizer.

Conrad and Kim? They run off together.

I'm sure there's nothing Have you seen Ursula?

Is she missing too? It's 7 o'clock and I've looked everywhere. Magdalene, you haven't seen my Harvey anywhere, have you? And what about Roger, Ethel, and Phyllis?

They're probably all just down at the food store, maybe having one of those game wars.

Game wars? What's wrong with these kids today? Kids who cannot understand anything they say.

Kids, they are so ridiculous and so immature. I don't see any fun whatsoever. Just you wait and see, it's just impossible to enjoy the oldie dusties. Kids, they have all become now rock and roll. Why can't they ease up? You were perfect in every way. What's the matter with kids today?

Kids, what the devil's wrong with these kids today? Kids, who could guess that they would turn out that way? Why can't they be like me? We were perfect in every way.

What's the matter with kids? What's the matter with kids?

What's the matter with kids today? You can be bothered. What's happening? Freaking— well, but it works anyway.

I've got the perfect price for you, sir. I've got one off the front of the 1987 movies. Great double bill tonight, Flying Down to Rio and Breathe, while others work with that great cast of Laura Oh geez, man, and what a score! I forgot about that. Hey, Rio, fly, you brat! Rosie, Rosie, I've been looking for you all night. Where have you been? Rosie, I have good news for you. I told Mama goodbye. I'm a new man now, a world leader.

Albert, can we call Uncle Wandausky Ice House? Ice House? Call the mountain police.

Look, look, it's him out there alive!

That is the question. Of course I do fear your wrath, but these laughs do. Oh God, this is the Ice House. It's fun, isn't it? When you've been here as many times as I have, you know, I may expect From everyone. Ursula. Gumshoe. The Girl Scouts. They're just stronger than the chocolate ones, aren't they? You know, Wakanda, you seem a bit nervous. Maybe a dragon that speaks would relax you. Ooh, or how about one of those Reapers I've read so much about? I can go out and get your face if you just tell me what it is. When you've had a zombie on your back for so long, you're like— Come on, Matt, you're trembling! I guess you guys are a few years younger than I am. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable. I'm 27. Or 28. No, 27 is 2. So you see, I really know the score. I even know some of the words. Uh, canoeing. Uh, primordial. Uh, that's a good one. If you want real sexual fun— We've been looking for you everywhere.

That's your daughter right there. Oh my God, Sam! There he is! The differing brute. Oh, that's that name. Well, what have you got to say for yourself now, Mr. Fury? That God That you come.

Hey everybody, come on, you over here. Thank goodness you've come. I can't tell you what humiliation I've been made to suffer. That's all I needed to hear.

Take him off. I'll take you.

Why don't you go back to the house and I'll go over to the courthouse and try to speak to the mayor?

Rosie, I don't think you understand. This is the new Albert. I told Mom goodbye.

Albert, it's been Not what I did.

And the new Alfred is going down to the courthouse to deal with the mayor, and I'd appreciate it if you'd meet me at 6:30 tomorrow morning at the railroad station, where I intend to be there with Conrad. And Rosie, did I mention that I loved you?

Not yet, Alfred.

What about you?

Conrad! <LYRICS>It's gonna be such a wonderful night. I'm gonna be the sister of the bride.</LYRICS> This is our dear son. This is my dear child, my dear son. Oh, Rosie, nothing can stop you now. Hello, Rose. Hello, my dear. Careful. Hot, hot. Friend? I'll always have time to speak to the woman who by tomorrow evening I will be able to call— Don't say it! I will be able to call mother. Cruelest word I ever heard! Goodbye, Rose. Call me Mrs. Peterson. Okay, now look out.

Would you shut up? I had to bail you out, and I don't want to see you till we're out of this state. Now get aboard. Okay, look, you pay me no merits here Whether or not you've got to sign a contract with me forever. What are you saying about that? Is it like this video I sent you? You just film whatever you want?

Oh, hello, Albert. Come on.

You're looking good for a change.

Don't worry, I know all about you two. You won't do what any sen— sensible mother has to do. Goodbye, sonny boy. And don't worry, you'll have 3 main posts once the train passes over me.

Mama, get up and get on that train!

We have no time for any nonsense!

Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what you've done with Mr. Burgess. He's not in jail. Why should I know where he is? I haven't seen him all night. I'm just down here saying goodbye to Clover. Mr. Peterson.

Now there's no need for all this excitement here. After all, there's no real harm done. And we can go right together again. As a matter of fact, since the weirdest thing happened this morning, You gave him a promise ring and she accepted him.

Oh, my life is over now. I just want to sell the house and move into a home.

Well, here I am, Albert. 6:30 on the button. Where's Conrad? He left at 6:25. But you told me to be here at 6:30. Great, Ma. Albert, you wanted us to miss that train.

Well, it stands to reason, Rose. Why get on a train to New York when we have tickets to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa?

What's in Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? Plumpkin Falls, Iowa?

Oh, they're looking for teaching staff at Plumpkin Falls Junior High School. I read about it in this morning's paper. They need someone to teach English and domestic science. And I was like, okay, right, that one's a good save. Yeah, I need to be married.

Well, Christine, you're hired!

I confess that nothing left me colder. I would watch a daisy for hours, and all I'd feel was several hours colder. My legs would freeze and make me wheeze. All that it did was make me shrug or sneeze. But now I'm I love this blossom that I see, for a lovely rose loves me. Now my life is a rose, since I found my rose before. With the rose I close, how can I keep blue? And an anchor —will mosey. He has little rosy. He will be soaked with tea by a fire built for two. Oh, I once heard a poem that goes of those little boats, little boats. But I couldn't read. Take it from me, there's one rose sweeter than any that grows, and that's my Rosie. I'm so glad she chose me. Life is one sweet, beautiful song to me. Now my life is a rose. <LYRICS>all of the best and that's my goal.

I'm so glad you chose me.

Life is one sweet beautiful song. Without the stars, then what would be? Life is one sweet beautiful song to me.</LYRICS>