Cabaret 2016 Fri 8:30pm

Good evening, everyone. My name is James Crane, and I'm the chairman of the Hermosa Arts Council Valentine's Eve. Welcome to the 6th Annual Valentine Cabaret. Show of hands, how many of you have been here before? I'm really proud of this group behind me. They're dancing. What? Our mission is family friendly. Oh man, I gotta go take off my pasties. All right. I'm going to set the scene for you so you know what you're about to see. It is the not-to-be-seen time, and a virus has spread infecting the population and turning those who are infected into zombies. Tensions are high between the humans and the zombies as they fight for survival. One of the humans, Brian, has taken it upon himself to get the two groups together, hoping to find some common ground so that they can exist in peace.

Whoa there, Jim. You have the old script. Sorry about that. Well, this is what you gave me. No, no, no. I must have given you that one.

Here's the—

That's the real one right there.

This is extremely unprofessional.

I'm sorry. Very important changes. It's really— Our goal is to be professional.

I know, just— I'm supposed to be the chair. All right, blah, blah, blah. Let's see. Zombies, people dying. All right. One of the courageous and ruggedly handsome Brian has taken it upon himself, the Herculean task of trying to get the two groups together. His natural-born ability to lead and stunning good looks will hopefully help as he works to bring the two groups together and attempt to find common ground so they can See? I know, it's so much better, right?

Not only are we unprofessional, we are definitely not fruitful.

Thank you, thank you. Enjoy the show.

Thank you for coming, humans. Thank you so much. And zombies— sorry, reanimated formerly living Americans.

Thank you so much.

This is the first Apocalypse Now meeting, and my name is Brian. Brian? Yes, Brian. Thank you. And I'm going to be— I love to eat Brian. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Brian, not brain. My grandma made that mistake too. Yes, Brian.

We're good?

Okay, we're good. As I said, my name is—

okay.

My name is Brian, and I will be conducting the meeting. The purpose of tonight's meeting is to introduce ourselves, maybe get to know each other a little bit more. Maybe as we understand each other, maybe we'll learn to live together, coexist. I think it's gonna work. Would anybody be willing to introduce themselves first? My Brent is name. I bitten a zombie. About a month ago. To clarify, you were bitten by a zombie, or you bit a zombie? Yes. Okay, um, please, yes, that would be great.

Hi. Hi. First of all, peace, love, and happiness. My name's Deb, but please call me Sunshine. And I just have to say that I totally agree with you. Aren't we supposed to love one another no matter who or what we are?

Thank you so much, Deb.

Yes, yes, please. Hello, my name is Marcella. I've been a zombie for 2 and a half weeks. And I find that the zombie palate is quite a bland landscape. So I feel it's my duty to help elevate my fellow zombies' dining experience. You see, when I was a human, I studied the culinary arts in France. And I started my own food blog. It was up and coming called Epicurious Marcela. Speaking of France and French cuisine, is there going to be any French humans here today? Thank you. Excellent. Yes.

Hi, my name's Rob and, wow, what a whirlwind it's been for me. So the week before the apocalypse I was donating blood and I found out that I actually have a rare blood disease which apparently makes me repulsive to zombies. Then the next week my girlfriend gets turned into a zombie and I haven't seen seen her since. So I'm really excited to be here because I'm trying to find her and I want to become a zombie with her. And I wonder if some of you guys could help me out with that. You know, that's actually not appropriate for this type of meeting, but maybe arrange that elsewhere.

Right here. Right here. Right here. Right here. Oh. Nicole? Nicole, come out! Tell them why you live in a garbage can, 'cause it's really weird! Come on! See?

There's somebody in there.

Louder. My name is Nicole!

Thank you.

My name is Michaela and I'm from the great state of South Carolina. I know most of you won't know where that is because most of the people in our nation don't have maps, such as South Africa and the IRS and everywhere like such as for the children.

And you, sir, please. Oh, uh, Doctor— I mean, my name is Nate, and I'm just here to observe. Carry on. Oh, okay. Uh, in the back, uh, Nicole, right?

This makes me sick. I can't believe you people can even sit in the same room as these things. I say instead of pretending to play nice, we go out and do important things like Reducing the number of the brain-eating freaks that exist out there!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, you can take that attitude somewhere else. We are here to cause trouble! I think she's right. We should get back to doing what we enjoy most. She's not too wise threatening a bunch of zombies in the room, but her brain will taste good anyway.

Just because I'm out of ammo doesn't mean I can't make quick work of you!

Disgusting!

Brain eater. Zombie or fool, make a big noise. Running in a straight line, make a big mess. Don't die when I take out my bow, aim at your face and melt your head over my fire.

We will rock you. We will, we will rock you. Humans just are skin sack meat packs. Know your proper lane in the food chain. Must eat your brain. We don't move with much grace. This is our pace. Zombies are here to take over the place. We will, we will rock you.

We will, we will rock you.

We will, we will rock you.

Flower power!

Be my friend! Hey, I'm gonna get you too.

Another one bites the dust.

Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust.

Another one bites the dust. We are the champions. And we'll keep on fighting till the end.

We are the champions, we are the champions. No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world. I see a little situation out of hand. Gotta move, gotta move, we must stop this fandango. Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening. Big Galileo! Galileo!

Galileo!

Galileo! Galileo Piccolo! Oh, I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me. He's just a poor boy with a rare blood disease.

Comes from the deep.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Bismillah!

No! We will not let you go!

Do it now!

Bismillah!

We will not let you go!

Do it now!

Bismillah!

Mama let you go Let me go Mama let you go Let me go Let you go.

Mama let. So you think you can say And we'll be dead. Don't think you can do this by taking our heads.

Oh baby, can't do this to me, baby. Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here. We are the champions.

My friends, and we'll keep on fighting till the end. Oh, it's already the end!

We are the champions. We are the champions. No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world.

Of the world.

So maybe the first meeting didn't go as planned, but, uh, try again next week.

Okay. All right.

No, no, no, this way, Rob.

Human side.

Mmm, now those are some good eats.

How can you eat it just plain like that? Let me put a little cilantro rub on it. Oh no.

How cute. You're so new at this, you still think you're human. I remember what that was like. Not! You're a zombie! Give it a couple of weeks and you'll be scavenging like the rest of us, and you won't know the difference between a croissant And a Pop-Tart. I accept it. Impossible! Anyway, you may not know this because of my dashing good looks and my superior intellect, but I was one of the first humans to be turned. I've seen it all. You will understand in time. Don't write! Won't you just relax? And accept zombie being. It is quite liberating. I never have to worry about new clothes buying. Care nobody.

I'm expected to look a slob-like. Being a zombie has great perks, especially Really? With dating? Well, ever since I became a zombie, I've had some amazing dates. I'm telling you, I tell the guys right up front that if they don't treat me right, I'll just eat them. I can't believe I'm hearing this. Come on, my fellow deadheads, we must raise the bar a little higher. What would the world be without wonderful living and taking life, savoring it in a creative fashion? Where would this world be without bouffe bourguignonne? Or Spanish paella? Or tiramisu?

I don't know what you're talking about, but I can tell you one gourmet food that I would die again for. You can only get it at Chili's. I know, I think we're going this head.

Gourmet food? Oh, Chili's. Gourmet food, really.

Listen, you get the. You'll get the gist of it. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back I want my baby back. Ribs.

Carefree ketchup Slapped on a rib cage is not within the realm of gourmet. Oh man, you've been turned! Welcome to the family! Yes, welcome to the family and a lifetime of boring and creative dining.

Don't listen to them. If you want to know the ropes, stick with me. Oh, it's the zombie life for me. It's the only life for me. About your boring humankind. Oh, it's the zombie life for me. Once you try it, you will see humans don't have anything on us. Wherever I wander, wherever I mow, I couldn't be fonder of my collection of bones. The flies are buzzing all around. Decay is such a lovely sound. When you find a human hiding spot, mark it with some zombie snot. Maybe eat a few. The zombie likes for me, and it's for you. Oh, it's for you. Oh, it's for you.

Come on, let's get some real-world zombie practice. What are you doing? Oh, I just can't stop thinking about that handsome human, Brian. You know, the one from the meeting? Oh yes. I mean, it's not just the way he looks. I bet he also has a very lovely brain.

Oh, Brian's! I love eating Brian's!

I go eat Brian! You mean brains in general. You don't mean my Brian! Did you see her? She just wasn't the same. None of us are safe! I guess she's just another meat puppet I get to put my knife through. How can you say that? She was my best friend.

Yeah, why couldn't it have bitten me instead? I was right there.

Oh yeah, well, drop it, Rob. Zombies like to eat brains. Maybe you would have to have one of those for them to want to eat you. That's not very nice. Is it looking darker outside to anyone else? Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

It's not warm when she's away.

It's not warm when she's away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. She's gone.

She stays too long.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away. I know, no, no, I know, no, no, I know, no, no, I know. I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know. I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know.

Wonder this time where she's gone.

Wonder this time where she's gone.

She's gone to stay.

She's gone to stay.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. This house ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

I know no, no, I know I know no, no, I. No, no. She goes away. No sunshine when she's gone.

Anytime she goes away.

No sunshine when she's gone.

Anytime she goes away.

No sunshine when she's gone.

Anytime she goes away.

No sunshine when she's gone.

I lost everyone now, and the pressure is a little too much, and I think I'm gonna go in here and not come out.

Nicole, Nicole, you don't mean that. Hey, hey, we are going to find a cure, okay? And in the meantime, we can coexist. Look, there's been plenty of signs that there's still a lot of humanity left in them. Brian is right. Chemical changes within them only affect certain synapse responses in the cerebral cortex.

If we can find the right chemical counterpart, we should be able to counteract all this.

I don't know what he just said, but I'm not coming out!

I like this song. It's the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends scream, let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Our passion would come, our desire to care for the people on the edge of the night, and our desire to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last desperate decision.

I am positive that Sunshine is still the same person inside.

It's not helping, Brian. Aww.

Yeah, I actually think it would be awesome to be a zombie. Does anybody know another way to get to be one besides getting bit?

Hey, uh, Rob, have you ever tried drinking zombie urine before? I heard that just a little bit of this can turn you right into one. You really think so?

It doesn't taste that bad, but I don't think it works.

You are disgusting! Okay, everybody, the zombie horde is getting closer. I am gonna find the next super place to camp. I'll be back in the morning.

Hey, uh, you don't look so good. What's going on? Well, you seem to be handling this all pretty well. Can I tell you something? Sure, what's up? Well, this whole zombie apocalypse thing, it's partially my fault. Uh, what do you mean? As a scientist for the IOSR, we were working with the military to create a serum that would promote superhuman strength in humans. Well, I was out for a day and my team made this catastrophic mistake. Mistake that caused all this. Wait, wait, wait, so this is all just like a chemical oops? Basically. That's great! I mean, that's really sad, but that's great! That means my hope for a cure is really possible! Well, yes, I do believe it's feasible. I think I've discovered what my team did wrong. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you think you've found a cure? I think I have. Okay, well, what is it? Well, it might be a little complicated to explain, but I'll try. You put the lime in the Coke and you gotta drink them both up.

You put the lime in the Coke and you gotta drink them both up.

You say, "Doctor, is there nothing I can take?" You say, "Doctor, I have a wicked bellyache." You say, "Doctor, is there nothing I can take?" You say, "Doctor—" Drink 'em both up, you put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better, put the lime in the coconut. Drink 'em both up, put the lime in the coconut, call me in the morning. Alright, so, uh, it's just a lime and a coconut and this is fixed? I understand that you're confused. There's a very particular lime that only grows in the misty forests of the Andes Mountains. I hope to travel there soon to test the lime to see if it has the unique properties that we need. Alright, alright, okay. So a special lime from some misty forest somewhere and this thing's cured. Oh, I forgot one part. We do have to dose it with a high dosage of alpha particle radiation. Then that should have the desired effect. Is there any chance that this radiation might cause some of those superpowers you were trying to work on before? Because I'm not going to lie, that would be stupendous. Well, don't— I highly doubt that will happen. Maybe after we fix the zombie thing?

We'll work on it. Alright, one thing at a time, I guess.

Is on is that we don't just eat brains, despite the stereotypes. Pretty much if it smells good, it'll probably taste good, and we have strong stomachs.

Really? Because we thought that's all you ate.

Oh, don't get me wrong, brains are wonderful. Really?

So what about the humans? I pretty much figure it's us against them.

They don't have a problem offing one of us, so I see them as another easy food source.

I like that. You know, Master Don, thank you so much for teaching me this zombie stuff, because it's really scary being a new zombie.

It's terrifying. Oh, don't think that way. You're doing great. Most zombies take a lot longer than you to get the hang of this. You were born for this.

Thanks. All right, I think— you know, I'm so glad there are other food choices because I don't think I can eat brains.

Don't get me wrong, not all brains are created equal. They're not? Take this gentleman, for example. He looks pretty smart. He'd actually taste pretty good, and you'd probably get smarter by eating his brain. Nice.

Yeah? How about that one?

Oh, well, maybe if you were desperate. I'm so sorry! You've got the whole room to choose from.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So what you're telling me is that humans taste different based on who they are?

Exactly. I'll give you a few examples.

Okay, that would be good.

If you eat an Italian, Mounds of delicious carbs. If you eat an Asian, they're delicious, but you'll be hungry again in an hour. If you eat a Hispanic, it'll be spicy.

Wait, wait, wait. What about Caucasians?

Oh, you mean the other white meat?

Tastes like chicken. Oh, you're getting it. Follow your nose. Trust it. Trust it. I'm gonna meet you, meet you one day, maybe next week. I'm gonna meet ya, I'll meet ya, I'll meet ya. I will drive past your house, and if the lights are all out, I'll see who's around. One way or another, I'm gonna will ya. I'm gonna give you the slip, a slip of a hip, or another. I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya one way or another. I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya, trick ya, trick ya, trick ya one day. Maybe next week? No, now! I gotta trick ya, I'll trick you! I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall where I can see it all, find out who you're talking to one way or another. You could have told me she was right there. You're going to have to move. Here I come. Yeah, baby!

Your wife looks delicious. Looky who we have here, little miss zombie hunter. Not too wise coming alone, little girl.

Stay back, zombie filth, or I'll turn you from undead to just dead. We need to talk. Can you manage that?

Well, first of all, in order to kill me, you've got to hit me in the head, which judging by your size is going to be a challenge. I've killed zombie hunters twice your size with one eyeball.

Give it your best shot, Shorty. The bigger they are, the harder they— Now that I have your attention, You will be drawn and hoarded away from my group, understand? And before you try to say something smart, I just proved to you that size doesn't matter. I will always be at least 2 steps ahead of you no matter where you go.

You just made your last mistake. I will savor your flesh.

You smell like a zombie.

Not human. What is this?

It's this! Zompee! I use something similar for hunting elk, and it lures them right in. Looks like you're not much smarter than an elk.

Pretty clever. I wouldn't have thought of that.

Of course you wouldn't have. We humans are way better than you zombies.

Uh, no you're not.

Are so. Are not. Are so. Are not. Are so. Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

No you can't. Yes I can. No you can't. Yes I can. No you can't.

Yes I can, yes I can!

Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I can break a femur with my little finger.

I can shoot a sparrow with a bow and arrow. I can live on bread and cheese.

Only on that? Yep. I can eat rats. Ew. Anything you can sing, I can sing higher.

I can sing anything higher than you. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't.

Yes, I can! How about this one though? Anything you can sing, I can sing longer.

I can sing anything longer than you.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. I will kill you, zombie! I probably ate your mommy.

I can build it higher.

I can do most anything.

Can you make me cry? Want me to try? Oh, maybe not. Anything you can sing, I can sing sweeter. I can sing anything sweeter. No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't, can't, can't.

Yes, I can, can, can. No, you can't, can't, can't. Yes, I can, can, can.

No, you can't, no, you just will. What? Can we finish the song? Yes, we can!

But at the end of it all, we still know that I'm way better than you. No, you are not!

Regardless of whether you think you're better than me or not, I will never hesitate to put an arrow through your eyeball If you so much as sneeze threateningly—

You'll try.

I will. You'll try. I will. You're cute. What?

Um, have you seen Nicole? She's the one from the meeting, the really intense one with all the weapons.

Sorry, I haven't. Oh no, no, no, that's okay.

Um, it's Michaela, right? Yeah. Oh, by the way, I love the dress. Oh, thanks!

I just picked it up off my lunch. Off my lunch break. Off of a friend. Oh, thank you, Ad. Hoped you wouldn't be— stunned. Okay. I really liked what you had to say back there about us all getting along. It was scrumptious.

I know, I know, right? I've been telling everybody this— it's going to be okay.

Oh, for sure it will be. It will be.

Okay, um, so hey, what did the other reanimated formerly living Americans think of the meeting?

I don't know about them, but I think you are absolutely brilliant. I mean, what a brain you must have. Ryan, do you need me to take care of something for you? No, no, no, it's quite okay. Uh, okay, I'm just gonna go now. Maybe I can have you for dinner sometime. Over! Over for dinner sometime. I wouldn't be eating you, I'd be eating somebody else. Something else. And maybe you could bring your own food and eat whatever you want. That's a great idea. Okay, I'm going to go now.

I think that sounds great. I'd love to pick your brain a little bit.

There will be no brain picking here by anybody. Bad choice of words.

It was It's not a figure of speech.

I would have known that. Okay. What are you thinking? If she had you over for dinner, you would be her dinner. You get that, right? She said I could bring my own food. I mean, sure. She only comes out at night. —dead and the hungry type. Nothing is new, I've seen her here before. Watching and waiting while she's sitting with you, her eyes are on the trapdoor. I wouldn't if I were you, I know what she and her friends can do. She's deadly, man, she will really rip your skin up. She'll eat your brain matter. Oh, the beauty is there, but the beast's inside her heart. Oh, here she comes. She'll chew you up. Oh, here she comes. Watch out, watch out, watch out. Oh, here she comes. Oh, she'll eat you up. Oh, here she comes. She's a man-eater. Is she still here? Every move you make, every damn drift lake. When you flex, I quake. I'll be watching you. Oh, can't you see? You belong to me and my dead heart aches. Because you smell like steak. Every breath you take, every move you make, every day you wake, my love for you won't shake. I'll be watching you. I'll be watching you. Every day you wake, every move you make, every wind you break, every word you say. Every single day I'll slowly decay, but I'll be watching. I'll be watching. That concludes the first half of the program.

Now there will be a 10-minute intermission where there will be some horribly sweet refreshments served, and it will allow you a time to relieve your bodily fluids.

After 10 minutes though, be sure to be in your seats. Stragglers may be eaten. Oh, I'm so hungry. It's been days since I last ate. I don't even remember what it was. Oh wait, I do remember. It was that nice door-to-door salesman. I had his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. By my gourmet standards, that was a good day. Well, well, what do we have over here? Look at you, just sitting there, ripe and ready for the picking. Ah, a wild heirloom tomato! This is my lucky day! What's that? Cumin spice? Now if only I had a Spanish onion. Ba-da-ba-ba! I'm being transported back to my momma's Tunisian kitchen where she would take the simplest ingredients and turn them into gastro masterpieces. Take a ripe and fresh tomato, put it in a pot with oil. Add the onion, strong and tasty. On the stove you let it boil. Choose the finest meat you get from man or woman, doesn't matter. Aha!

Let's make—

eat your chili nice and slowly. Who chewed it? Gosh darn it, Kate. Crispy tortillas made from bones. It sounds so nice, see, when they break. When your mouth gets full of fire, you might need something to drink. One or two or three, he wants to let these be enough for me. Oh, negative. Perfectly aged. But don't forget, don't forget to make a good fire. The spices, the heart of the Arab cooking. Oh no, don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. Couldn't live life without them. You won't get the flavor of flavor of Mexican sunshine. Chili con carne, chili con carne, chili con carne. Oh no, if only I had a protein. What will it be? A blonde, perhaps? I go real blonde because there's too many preservatives. How about you, beady guy? Hey, it's Marcella, right? You are a brunette. A nice, dark, rich brunette. I'm coming to get you. Please, please don't eat me! I'm of Anglo-Saxon descent. We're a very bland race. Please!

Eat me instead! Yes! I'm 9/10 Latino. Muy bueno. Chili con carne. No? Okay. Roberto. Yes, finally.

I applaud your spice choice.

So have you turned many humans? Does the process take a long time?

Please, I don't need my food to make conversation with you.

Sorry. Bon appétit. Honey, I'm coming to find you. Marcella!

Oh, that's wrong! What am I doing? Oh, hey guys, just a little bite, all right?

Just a little taste. Didn't your mom ever tell you to try new food? Come on, just open your mouth. Here comes the choo-choo.

Choo-choo! Choo-choo! No!

You're telling me to meet, not train. Terminated meet.

Yeah, come to dinner.

Come on. There you go.

But, Captain, stop! That's wild.

Here we go again. I feel adrenaline kicking in. I'm giddy and I want to jump and shout. I'll be a zombie, no doubt. I almost can't believe you're killing me now.

And I won't be Denied by you, the animal inside of you.

Oh ho, bite me right now. Oh ho, what are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for? Say hello to my love tonight. That is it! Somebody just eat me! Eat me! I'm not gonna eat you! Oh, I'm lightheaded! I'm not gonna eat you! What? You've been hunting me! Oh, well. I couldn't help myself. But now you're not even remotely appetizing. No other zombie will want to eat you either, as long as you're covered with that. Wait, so nobody wants to eat me? Uh-uh. Nicole, honey, sweetie, would you want to eat food with your vomit on it? No. No. No. Please, go. Take me to safety. Go to your own camp and your own kind. Tell the Stripes that you won't be safe anymore. Uh, no! I am not strong without you! But I don't want this life without you. But you'll always be here in my cold Dead, dying heart. Here, here, take this to remember me by. Here, take this. Go save yourself. Go! Come on, Nicole, I'll take you home. Let's go. I'm not ready to go home yet, Rob. Good. How are you guys doing? You want a piece of this? Not so big and tough now, are we, big guy? How about this piece? Would you like this piece? I'm ready now, Rob. You may escort me home.

Come in handy.

Never know when you'll need a 3-hole punch. Donut maker.

Uh, not much of a camper, are you? Well, to be honest, no. About the farthest I've ever walked is from my car to the lab. Let me give you a little advice. Pack light, and only the stuff that's going to keep you alive. It's going to be kind of a long trip. Yeah, I feel like I need to do everything I can. I'm feeling partly responsible for this whole mess. I just need to try to fix it. Alright, let me give you some advice. Maybe pack a sleeping bag, a change of clothes, a tent instead of all of this.

Okay, no, actually a donut maker is a good idea.

By the way, do you even know how to get there? Oh, yes, my map. A break of day to find our long-forgotten slum. The streets were roaring with zombie fright.

The hungry eating Through the night, the world turned red, and dizzy spread, and yet for all, there was no part. What's up, bro? You know, bound the Norks, looking for the Arkenstone. Let me go back to my mountain keep and leave the gold toilet seat up in stuff. Dwarf chicks hate that. Human chicks too. Hey Brian, I'm off. Thank you so much for your help.

Hey, it's going to be great. You are going to be okay. Um, about the donut maker though, you're going to need a generator. Oh, right.

I almost forgot about that. Just pull it behind you. Oh, Marcella. My stomach's so upset. I think I need to eat. Oh, maybe not. Oh, if I could find a good human, I would make you the best meal. You'd be juicy and succulent and moist and tender and so delicious. But you gotta have good meat. You're too tiny. Don't tell me you're in a food crisis too? No, I was thinking about a guy. A human guy? Yeah. See, I want to have him for dinner, but I'm just no good at that kind of thing. And even if by some miracle the meal turned out, he probably wouldn't like it. Well, of course he wouldn't, Mikayla. But you gotta eat, honey. Humans, they're so selfish, right? Only thinking of their own survival. No, this one's different. He's quite thoughtful, and I think he'd come if I asked. You mean he wouldn't come all kicking and screaming? He is different. No, it's just dinner. It's not like I'm trying to get him to make a serious commitment or anything. Commitments.

You have such a great sense of humor.

Listen, I'd be happy to help you with preparing this dinner, as long as we can have some. As long as you take it to go, I'd really love that. Oh, let's do it. We'll get the ingredients. Michaela, go get your meat. I mean, man. Meat man.

Brian, where do you think you're going? Look, Michaela seemed interested in furthering the peace process, so I'm eager to get started.

They're gonna eat you, don't you understand?

Nicole, what? Oh, this one. You know what, latent zombieism is really shocking. How about you just Just leave your living privilege at the door next time.

You are certifiable. I don't know why I keep wasting my time trying to rescue people who clearly don't want to go on living. Come on, Nicole. Nicole. What?

This one. It's going to be fine. She's going to cook. I'll probably even bring something myself. It's gonna be okay. I'll be home after dinner.

Come on, Nicole, let's go. No, no, he's a dead man walking towards his last meal, and not even that? I bet she's not gonna let him taste it before she offs him. So I'm not gonna go after him, but you should. I can't, you should. Okay, fine. If I'm going, you are coming with me. With me. Oh no, no, no, no, I don't think that's a very good— No, Nicole, Nicole, getting old now. Cajun seasoning, it's just the thing. A French dish with Creole overtones. My mouth is watering. And I brought the good china because this is a special occasion. You said that to me. I know. Hey, look who I found. Well, actually, he was coming to find me, so yeah. Found each other. Oh my gosh! Oh yes, honey!

Okay, thanks for inviting me over for dinner.

You're a little tough in this area.

Well, thank you. I do like to work out a little bit.

Push-ups, hair lifting. I think this will help. You ruin this for me. Sit down, brain. Maybe this was a bad idea. I don't even like Brian that much. Let's just go back. Don't can it. All right, to really enjoy this meal, let's do it using all of our 5 senses. How about some dying music? I mean, dining music. Brian, what would you like for your last song?

Um, I don't know, something slow, I guess, would be appropriate.

Uh-uh. They say the faster the better. Okay, we know just the song, don't we, girls? Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn. Didn't leave nobody but the baby. That's marinating. Carry your bones on the alabaster stone and be my ever-loving baby. When we find him, I'm going to kill him and stuff him in this garbage can. His ego would never fit. I can try. How would you like to do the honors of carving our guest? What? No! This is my dinner date, not my dinner! Wait a minute, sister. You said you were having a guy for dinner. Guy? Dinner? Starving! I have prepared this beautiful meal with Brian! Brain! It's mine. It's perfect with brain. Shut up, food. You should be eating, not talking. I'm sorry, but Brian's brains are staying right where they are and there's nothing you can do about it! Come on, Deb. Let's go find something more agreeable and decent around here. You're mine.

Very noble of you, thank you.

Chivalrous, even. You know what they say, chivalry ain't dead. Except that I am. But maybe chivalry and courtesy could be embodied in my dead body. Is the food still here?

Why don't we sit? —wind in my ear. We'll watch the world from above as it turns to the rhythm of love.

We may only have tonight, but tomorrow is on your mind, your own mind. Play the music low and swing to the rhythm of love.

the night. We may only have tonight, but till the morning's gone, no mind. My, my, play the music low and swing to the rhythm of the love.

When the moon is low. Oh my God!

And long after I'm gone, you'll still be humming along, and I will keep you in my mind, the way you make life so fine. And we may only have tonight, but till the morning sun you'll mind.

Oh my, play the music low, this way to get along.

Play the music low, this way to get along. Oh good, thank you so much for dinner.

This was fantastic.

I really appreciate it.

Yeah, it was delicious watching you eat it because you you're yummy looking and you know what, I'm gonna go run and grab something to eat real quick so I'm not so tempted to eat you. Great idea.

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna head back to camp.

I'll come find you tomorrow? Okay. Okay.

All I want is to be with her. All I want is for others to stand under me. You mean understand you. That is the thing that I said. Why do you want to be an E-Morphs anyway? You mean a zombie. Yes, you stand under me. Well, you see, my girlfriend is a zombie. Zombie, so that's why. So your zombie is a girlfriend? Uh, stay with me here. I need someone to turn me into a zombie so we can be together. You want to find her a zombie? I don't think we're standing under each other as well as you think we're standing under each other. I'm standing Over here. I say either and you say ready. I say neither and you say Redrum. Ready. Neither. Murder. Let's call the whole thing off. Let's try this again. I say potato and you say I say tomato and you say potato.

Potato.

Tomato. On a stump.

Let's go, the whole crowd.

I just miss her so much.

Oh, I bet he's dead by now. We're too late. I really shouldn't be out here. I think my vomit smell has worn off and I'm a sitting duck. Oh, well, Brian deserves it if he is dead. I guess he's just gonna be another notch on my belt. How can you be so callous? It's better to deal with the situation and then hide from it, garbage girl. Rob! Really? You now?

Just trying to be with my true love.

Yeah, his zombie is her girlfriend.

Why can't you guys just like hold your nose and do it as a favor to me? I miss her so much. I mean, we tried to stay together after she turned She said, in quotes, "It just wasn't working out since I wasn't a zombie." right for me. I felt so lonely in your company. If that was love and it's an ache, I still remember.

But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough. But you didn't have to stoop so low. Have your friends collect your records and then change your number. Now you're just somebody that I used to know. Now you're just somebody that I used to know. Now you're just somebody that I used to know. Nicole, what are you doing here? Oh my gosh, I told you to leave. I can't keep you safe, not even for myself. Oh, just go. I don't even know who you are anymore. Will, I thought we could at least part peacefully. No, I don't care how we part, as long as we burning in your eyes. Oh, my gosh. The only thing burning in my eyes is that stench. What is that? The man pee. I scooped it out of a construction urinal. I smothered myself. Oh, but you can almost taste the pheromones. It's working, right? You said that you could let it go, that it wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know. But you didn't have to cut me off, make it like it never happened and that we were nothing. I don't even need your love, treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough. No, you didn't have to stoop so low Have your friends collect your records and then change your number. Guess that I don't need that though.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Somebody that I used to know. That I used to know. That I used to know. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

I know of a used body Somewhere, I'll get it for you. No one stands under me.

There you are! I thought I told you to keep your zombie horde away from my group. Now I have to take everybody out.

Yeah, like that's the only reason you came to talk to me. Excuse me?

What is that supposed to mean?

Come on, you just wanted to see me again.

Why would I want to see that? Gross.

Oh, don't try to hide it.

I could see the desire Oh my gosh, the only thing burning in my eyes is that stench!

What is that? The man pee. I scooped it out of a construction urinal. I smothered myself in it. Oh, you can almost taste the pheromones. It's working, right?

I was gonna say that you used to seem smarter than the average zombie. Oh, and you stayed so much sharp considering. And you're tall, dark. Well, you're a zombie, okay? You're annoying the heck out of me.

I'll take that as a compliment. And I do try to work out, and I have a secret on keeping my brain from Mr. Rodding, would you like to hear it? If you promise not to tell, I'll share it with you. Pinky swear? I read every single book that Glenn Beck writes, including his last one, The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here.

That's the one! Oh my gosh! I have every single one of his books!

He's been right about everything, you know that?

Everything! And I even have the special edition. What? A book of death!

Nothing better than that.

Well, it was in chapter 7 that I became a zombie. Good chapter. Hey, wait, you read chapter 18 in here, right? Mm-hmm. So how is it that you became a zombie exactly?

Oh, yeah, well, let's just say that all my preparations for the zombie apocalypse went to waste. I was one of the first humans to be turned. Stupid UPS guy. Bit me while I was signing for a crossbow, of all things.

Oh, what kind? Bowmaster. I like the crossbow myself. Not bad.

Anyway, let's get back to business. You were telling me something about burning desire. No. Yes, you were.

I mean, we were not. No, I mean— Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say. Sometimes I wanna slap you in your hairy face. There's no one quite like you. You push all my buttons down. I know life would suck without you. How could it not?

At the same time, I wanna hug you.

I wanna wrap my hands around your neck.

You're a human, but I love you.

Maybe so bad I ask myself, why I'm still here? Where could I go?

You're the only love I've ever known. But I hate you.

I really hate you so much, I think. True love.

True love. Man pee.

Done there. Come on, Junior, let's go back to camp. Okay.

Hey Nicole, I heard you came looking for me. I know that must not have been very easy for you, but thank you, thank you so much.

Well, you're welcome. I didn't really have much choice. Nicole made me go. And it doesn't matter anyway because we're all gonna die!

Nicole, Nicole, no, look, look, I really think it's Yes, but the radiation affects different, you know, in different ways. So you may all have different superpowers.

For instance, I now have the ability to telepathically communicate to everyone within earshot just by moving my mouth. Actually, I may have had a slight change of heart.

What? Me too.

You don't even have a heart. Figure of speech.

Look, look, take a look at this. Hey, hey, open up. If these two can get along, maybe you can mend things with Sunshine. Okay, well, are you gonna bring them on or not? I invited a few of my friends, if you don't mind. Well, that's great. Guys, come on in. We'll finish the meeting that you started. Brian, now's your chance. Now's your chance.

You should have told me. I didn't clean up before the game. We talked about this before, remember? Hey, hey! Sunshine? Um, I'm really sorry about earlier. I have decided that our friendship is worth risking my life for. Oh, you're so brave. I know. And I missed you. I missed you too. You showered. 4 times.

Oh, I'm so glad to find you all here together. Nate, Nate, you're back! Did you find what you needed? Yes, the lime was everything that I had hoped. And after exposing it to the radiation, I put the lime in the coconut. You don't need to know all the details again. But does it work? Yes, it does. In fact, I've been looking all over and I've been giving the serum to everybody that I can find. This is the last of it. Oh, I feel warm and sunny inside.

I don't crave grade A human anymore. My hair, it isn't falling out so easily anymore.

I think I just felt my heartbeat. This is wonderful. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I need— we all need to take it? Yes, it works as a cure and as a preventative. Oh! Oh, and there may be some side effects.

What? Don't be that close!

Well, like what? Remember how the original goal was to create superhuman powers? No way. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that we are all now superhumans? Yes, but the radiation affects different animals, you know, in different ways. So you may all have different superpowers. For instance, I now have the ability to telepathically communicate to everyone within earshot just by moving my mouth. Oh, that's— yep, yep, yep. You have super strength. I know.

And I, I have the ability to end world hunger and communicate with endangered sea creatures.

I possess a phenomenal intellect, a voracious vocabulary, and annexed synchronously a British accent. I have the psychic ability to sense the next doomsday!

Guess what it is? The day after the November election! Don't worry, John and I will help you through. Oh my goodness. Oh my gosh, you guys. You won't believe my superpower. It's so amazing. I have the super sense of smell. I can dig up my own truffles.

X-ray vision. I can read people's thoughts.

It's amazing. But only the bad one. Hey, buddy, get your mind out of my trash can! That's disgusting! Don't worry, Bessie, I can get rid of those nasty thoughts with my super positive rays of subliminal sunny disposition. That's better. Yeah, that's better.

I'm waking up to ash and dust. I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust. I'm drinking in these chemicals. <LYRICS>I'm breaking in and shaping out. I'm checking out on the prison bus. This is it, the apocalypse. Whoa, I'm waking up. I can feel it in my bones. Nothing makes my system blow. Welcome to the new age, to the new age.</LYRICS> Welcome to the new age, to the new age. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive. I'm breaking in and shaping up, checking out all the prison bars. This is it, this is Oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive.

All systems go. The sun hasn't died. Deep in my bones, straight from inside. Welcome to the new age. Welcome to the new age. Welcome to the new age. I'm waking up.

I feel it in my bones, you know, to my mind system, oh. Welcome to the new age. To the new age. Welcome to the new age. I'm radioactive, radioactive. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm radioactive, radioactive. Hey, Nate, what was that all about? Oh, Rob, I'm so glad to see you. I ran into your girlfriend on the way back from the Andes Mountains. She's human again and she's so excited to see you. What? What? She's human? I finally got turned into a zombie and now she's a human? Don't worry about it. I've got the last of the serum here. There's just enough for you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, God! You gotta get some more! I'm sorry, that was the last of it. Just go get another lime and a coconut or whatever more. I'm sorry.

Don't worry, I got this. Oh, honey, remember, headshot is always a headshot. If you're going to get your pictures taken, I'll take them now.