Cabaret 2016 Sat 6pm

Good evening everyone.

My name is James Crain.

I'm the chairman of the Hareman City Arts Council, and I am thrilled to welcome you here tonight, which is to the 6th annual Valentine Cabaret. How many of you have been here before? So we should have lots of laughter and lots of interaction with this crowd. I'm very proud of the cast that's behind me. We have 4 of the original cast members who started, started the cabaret 6 years ago when the Arts Council approved to have a harmonic a cappella group. So thrilled that they could be here with us tonight. We have some new talent as well. We welcome you back. How many of you, well, I think I'll just give you the definition of a cabaret. You obviously like what you are seeing because you've come back, but some of you are new and so you might not know what a cabaret really is. The term cabaret refers to a form of entertainment featuring music, song, dance, or drama. Despite the stereotype that you might be thinking, we will not, we will not, we will not be having burlesque dancing.

What?

That was for the party.

Oh, I'll be back. I got to take off my pasties. Like my chest. Some of our cast members are new and may be on probation.

Um, okay, let me set the scene for you.

So you know what you're going to see tonight.

It is the not too distant future and a virus has spread infecting the population and turning those who are affected into zombies. Tensions are high between the humans and the zombies as they fight for survival. One of the humans, Brian, has taken it upon himself to try and get the two groups together hoping to find some common ground so that they can coexist peacefully.

Nope, nope, nope, that's the wrong script. Okay, here we go.

Yeah, I know.

Let me— most of this is the same. Just—

you realize this is unprofessional.

I know. Just trust me, you'll see why this one is better.

So we talked about the zombies, we talked about the humans, We talked about a human. One of the courageous and ruggedly handsome—

that's Brian—

has taken upon himself the Herculean task of trying to get the two groups together. His natural-born ability to lead, his stunning good looks will hopefully help him as he works to bring the two groups together in an attempt to find—

See? See?

It's so much better.

Do you realize part of being professional is being truthful? They can see it.

Just go away. Alright. Welcome humans, thank you so much for coming. Welcome zombies, I'm sorry, reanimated formerly living Americans, thank you for coming. Tonight is the first Apocalypse Now meeting and my name is Brad. Brian. Yes, yes, it's Brian.

I love to eat Brian.

Okay, wait, no, no, it's Brian, not brain.

It's close, but— Brian.

Yes, Brian. Good, good. Okay, as I said, my name is Brian, and I will be hosting tonight's meeting. The goal of tonight's meeting is that we're we can introduce ourselves. Hopefully we can kind of get to know each other, understand each other a little more, and hopefully eventually we can kind of learn to coexist. Would somebody be willing to introduce themselves first? My Brent is name. I bitten a zombie about a month ago. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. So let me I don't understand. You were bitten by a zombie, or you bit a zombie? Yes. Oh. Alrighty, please, would you? Yes, thank you.

Thank you. Hi everybody. Peace, love, and happiness to you all. My name is Deb, but please call me Sunshine. And I just have to say, I'm so happy that we're doing this because aren't we supposed to love one another? I mean, that's what our parents teach us, right? No matter who or what we are.

Thank you so much. Uh, uh, oh yes, thank you.

Hello, my name is Marcella. I've been a zombie for 2 and a half weeks, and I have found that the zombie palette is a very bland landscape. I feel it's my duty to help elevate my fellow zombies' dining experience. You see, when I was a human, I studied the culinary arts in France, and I had an up-and-coming food blog called Epicurious Marcella. Speaking of France and French cuisine, do there happen to be any French humans here today? Okay, thank you. Oh yeah, excellent.

Hi, my name's Rob. And wow, what a whirlwind it's been for me. So the week before the apocalypse, I was donating blood, and I found out that I actually have a rare blood disease, which apparently makes me repulsive to zombies. And then the next week, my girlfriend gets turned into a zombie, and I haven't seen her since. So yeah, so I'm really excited to be here, and I'm wanting to find her and turn into a zombie with her, so I'm hoping maybe some of you can help out with that. Actually, that's really not appropriate for this type of meeting. Maybe you could arrange that elsewhere? Okay, sorry. Oh, she wants to go next.

She wants to go next, right here. That's Nicole. Nicole, come on out!

Say hello!

Tell them why you live in a garbage can. It's so weird. Come on! See?

There's somebody in there.

Okay, you can do this. Louder, honey. My name is Nicole.

Well, thank you, Nicole. Um, okay, yes.

Hi, my name's Michaela and I'm from the great state of South Carolina. I know that some of the people here won't know where that is because most of the people in our nation don't have maps, such as South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as. For the children, thank you.

Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. How about you, sir? Oh, my name is Dr.— I mean, my name is Nate, and I'm just here to observe. Oh, carry on. Okay, in the back, it's Nicole, right?

This makes me sick. I can't believe you people can even sit in the same room as these things. Instead of pretending to play nice, I say we go out and do more important things like Reducing the number of brain-eating freaks that exist out there?

You can take that attitude somewhere else. Look, we are here to foster a relationship. No, no, I think she's right. We should get on with doing the things we like best. She's not too wise threatening a bunch of zombies in the room, but her brain will taste good in lava.

Just because I'm out of ammo doesn't mean I can't make quick work of you, disgusting, rotten brain eater! Zombie Oracle, make a big noise. Moulding in the streets, gonna make a big mess. Someday when I take out my bow, aim at your face and melt your head over my fireplace.

We will, we will rock you. We will, we will rock you. Humans just Skin sack meat packs, know your proper lane in the food chain. Must eat your brain, we don't move with much grace. This is our pace, zombies are here to take over the place. We will, we will rock you. We will, we will rock you. We will, we will rock you.

Flower power! Yay, Mike Pence! Another one bites the dust.

Another one bites the dust. And another one's gone, and another one's gone. Another one bites the dust. And another one, another one, another one, another one bites the dust. Hey, I'm gonna get you too. Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust.

We are the champions, my friends, and we'll keep on fighting till the end.

We are the champions, we are the champions. No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world. I see a little situation out of hand. Gotta move, gotta move, we must stop this fango. Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening. Be Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo. The lay of Figaro. I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

He's just a poor boy with a rare blood disease.

Spare him his life from this monstrosity. Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Miss Billa, no! We will not let you go.

Let me go!

Miss Billa, we will not let you go. Let me go! Miss Billa, we will not let you go. Let me go! We will not let you go. Let me go! We will not let you go. Let me go!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mamma mia. Mamma mia.

Mamma mia. Let you go.

We can't go on. This is pointless.

That we disagree.

Agree.

Get her. Go fight her. Oh, you think you can say us and then we'll be dead? So you think you can do this by taking our hands?

Oh baby, can't do this to me, baby. Just got to get out, just got to get right out of here. We are the champions, my friends, and we'll keep on fighting till the Oh, it's already the end! We are the champions, we are the champions.

No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world, of the world.

Maybe our first meeting didn't quite go as I hoped, but maybe we'll see you next week?

Okay.

Just keep trying. No, Rob, this side. I want a human side, Rob. Now those are some good eats.

How can you eat them plain just like that? How about a little cilantro rub on it?

Oh, get that away from here. Well, you're really cute and all because you're so newly turned. You still remember what it's like to be human. I remember that too. Not! You're a zombie. Give it a couple of weeks and you'll be scavenging for the rest of us, and you won't know the difference between a croissant and a Pop-Tart. Oh, accept it. I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to those. Anyway, you may not know this because of my still dashing good looks and superior intellect. But I was one of the first humans to be turned. I've seen it all, and you will understand in time. Dom's right. Once you accept zombie being, it is liberating.

Quite.

I never have to worry about New clothes buying care nobody!

I'm expected to look a slob like. Being a zombie has great perks, especially with dating. Really? Ever since I became a zombie, I've been on some amazing dates. I just tell the guys right up front that if they don't treat me right, I'll eat them. I can't believe I'm hearing this. Come on, my fellow deadheads, we can raise the bar a little higher than that. Life and food should be savored in a creative fashion. Where would the world be without bouffe bourguignonne or Spanish paella or tiramisu?

I have no idea what you just said, but there is one gourmet food that I would die again for, and you could only get good at Chili's. I know, I think we're going this year.

We do gourmet food at Chili's. Really?

Listen and learn. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back rib. I want my baby back baby back rib. I want my baby back rib. I want my baby Chili's baby back ribs!

Fancy ketchup slapped on a rib cage is not in the realm of gourmet. Oh, Dem! You've been turned! Welcome to the family! Yes, welcome to the family and a lifetime of boring, uncreative dining.

Don't listen to them. If you want to learn the ropes, stick with me. Oh, it's the zombie life for me. It's the only life I need. Forget about your boring humankind. Oh, it's the zombie life for me. And once you try it, you will see that humans don't have anything on us. Wherever I wander, wherever I moan, I couldn't be fonder of my collection of bones. The flies are buzzing all around. Decay is such a lovely sound. When you find a human hiding spot, mark it with some zombie slime. And maybe eat a few. The zombie life's for me and it's for you. Oh, it's for you. Oh, it's for you.

Now come on, cheer up.

We'll go get some real-world zombie practice.

You'll be all right. Michaela, what are you doing? I just can't stop thinking about that handsome human, Brian. You know the leader of that meeting? Oh yes. I mean, it's not just the way he looks. But I bet he also has a very lovely brain.

Brains! I love to eat brains!

I go eat! Brains! Brett, Brett, you mean brains in general. You don't mean my Brian. Ryan, I've got to see this. Did you see her? She just wasn't the same. None of us are safe. Yep, now she's just going to meet Puppet for me to cut my nightgown. How can you say that? Sunshine was my best friend.

Why couldn't it have happened to me? I was right there. It could have just bitten me.

Oh, drop it, Rob. Zombies like to brains. Maybe you'd have to have one of those for them to want to eat you.

That's not very nice.

Is it looking darker outside to anyone else? Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

It's not warm when she's away.

It's not warm when she's away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

She's gone, gone too long.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away. I know, know, know, I know. Know, know, I know. Know, know, I know. I know. No, no. I know no, no, I know no, no. I know I know I know no, I know, I know no, I know I know I know no, I know, I know Wonder this time where she's gone Wonder this time where she's gone Wonder if she's gone Just Wonder if she's gone to stay.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

This house ain't no home.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.

No, no, no, my, oh. Anytime she goes away. No, no, I know.

Anytime she goes away.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Anytime she goes away. I know, I know, I know, I know. She's alone.

Anytime she goes away.

I know, I know, I know, I know. She's alone.

Anytime she goes away.

I know, I know, I know, I know. She's alone. No sunshine when she's gone.

Anytime she goes away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

Anytime she goes away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

I've lost everyone now, Brian, and The pressure's a little too much, and I'm going in here and I'm never coming out!

Nicole! Nicole, you don't mean that. Look, we're going to find a cure, and in the meantime, we can coexist. Look, we've seen plenty of signs there's still a lot of humanity left in them, right? Brian is right. The biochemical changes within them only affect certain synapse responses in the cerebral cortex.

If we can find the right chemical counterpart, we should be able to get her out.

I don't know what you just said, but I'm still not coming out!

But I really like this song. Russia, pushing down on me, pushing down on you, under pressure. What this world is about, watching some good friends scream, let me out! Wish you weren't sitting there, now, would you? Eat you later. Here's the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends scream, "Let me out!" Okay, can we give ourselves one more chance? Why can't we love that one more chance?

Why can't we love, love, give love, give love, give love, give love?

—your people on the edge of the night and love desert to change your way of caring about ourselves. This is our last message.

This is our song. Nicole, Nicole, you can relax. I am positive that Sunshine is still the same person inside.

It's just not helping, Brian.

Yeah, I actually think it would be awesome to be a zombie. Does anybody know of another way to turn into one?

Hey, uh, Rob? Have you tried drinking the zombie urine? I heard it can work wonders.

Sure. Oh yeah. It's worth a try, I guess.

It's actually not that bad, but I don't think it did anything.

Oh, okay, that's just a Disappointing is what it is.

Okay, everybody, the zombie horde is getting closer. I'm gonna go find the next suitable place to camp.

I should be back in the morning. Thanks, Nicole. What's wrong? You don't look so good. You seem to be handling this all pretty well. Can I tell you something? Sure, what's up? Well, this whole zombie apocalypse thing, it's partly my fault. What do you mean? Well, as a scientist for the ISR, we were working with the military to create a serum that would create superhuman strength in humans, you know, and so one day I was out and my team made a catastrophic mistake and basically caused caused all this. Oh, wait, wait, wait, so you're telling me this is just a big chemical whoops? Yeah, in simple terms, yeah. That's amazing! I mean, that's really sad, I'm so sorry, but that is great! That means there's really a hope for the cure like I've been wanting. Well, yes, I do believe that's feasible. I think I've discovered what mistake they made. Oh, wait a minute. You think you found a cure? I think I have. Well, what is it? Well, I'll try to explain it in simple terms. We'll see how it goes.

Okay.

You put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up. Put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up. You say, "Doctor, is there nothing I can take?" You say, "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache." You say, "Doctor, is there nothing I can take?" You say, "Doctor—" Duck. To relieve this belly. If you put the lime in the coconut, call me in the morning. Lime in the coconut, you're human again. You put the lime in the coconut, Drink 'em both together, put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both up, put the lime in the coconut, call me in the morning. So would you give everybody a lime and a coconut? Well, it does require a special lime that that is only found in the misty forest of the Andes Mountains. I hope to travel there soon to be able to study the lime and see if it has the unique properties that we need. Okay, okay, so some special lime from some misty forest somewhere and we've got a cure? Well, a special lime and then we have to hit it with a high dose of alpha particle radiation and that should have the effect that we need. Alright, so really quick. Any chance that this radiation might give us those superpowers or whatever that you were trying to do originally? Because that would be stupendous. Sorry, Brian, I highly doubt it. Uh, we'll see. Okay, so the first thing that you need to know about being a zombie is that despite the stereotypes, we don't just eat brains. Pretty much, if it smells good, it'll probably taste good, and we do have strong stomachs.

Really? Because we thought that's all you ate. Don't get me wrong, brains are wonderful. So What about the humans?

Any rules about them? Well, pretty much the way I see it, it's us against them. They don't have a problem offing one of us, so I view them as an easy food source. Oh wow.

Well, you know, Master Dawn, thank you so much for teaching me all this, because being a new zombie is so scary.

Oh, But you're doing great. Most new zombies take a lot longer to get the hang of it than you have. Okay. You were born for this.

Thanks. I think. But you know, I am so glad there are other food choices because, you know, I just don't think I can eat brain.

Ew! Well, not all brains are created equal.

They're not? No.

Ah, in fact, this one right here. That one? She looks pretty smart and smells it too. She'd be good to eat and you'd get smarter by eating her.

Really? What about this one here?

Maybe if you were desperate.

Oh, sorry.

You've got the whole room to choose from.

Raise the bar. True. So you're telling me that Brains taste different based on who they are.

Exactly. I'll give you a couple examples. Okay. If you eat an Italian, you'll get mounds of delicious carbs. Oh, right. Fair. If you eat an Asian, they are exquisite, but you'll be hungry again in an hour. If you eat a Hispanic, they'll be spicy.

So tell me, What about the Caucasians?

Oh, you mean the other white meat? Pretty much tastes like chicken.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's it, it's coming to you. Trust your nose. Smell.

Trust. That's it. One way or another, I'm gonna find you. I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha one way or another. I'm gonna win ya. I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha one way or another. I'm gonna meet ya. I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya one day, maybe next week. I'm gonna meet ya. I'll meet ya. I'll meet ya. I will try and best you around. And if the lights are all out, I'll see who's around. One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya. I'm gonna get you in a slip, a slip on the hip or another. I'm gonna lose ya. I'm gonna trick ya. I'll trick ya. One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya. I'm gonna trick ya, trick ya, trick ya, trick ya. One way or another. I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya. I'll walk down the hall, stand over by the wall where I can see it all. Find out who you call one way or another. Ah! It's you! And it's Toby! Get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya! What girl are you? I didn't answer. Get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya! Ready or not, here I come. Oh yeah, baby!

I'll see you later. Lots of meat. Well, if we don't have Little Miss Zombie Hunter. Not too wise to come alone, little girl.

Stay back, zombie filth, or I will turn you from undead to just dead. We need to talk. Can you manage that?

Well, in order to kill me, you've got to be able to reach my head, and judging by your size, you're going to be a little challenged. I've killed zombie hunters twice your size with one eyeball behind my back. Give it your best shot.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Now that I have your attention, you will keep your zombie horde away from my group, or I will take your horde out one by one. One. Do you understand? Sure. And before you try to say something smart, remember, I just proved to you that size doesn't matter. I will always be two steps ahead of you. No matter where you're going, I will be there. You just made your last mistake.

I will savor your flesh. Wait a second, what's that smell? You smell like a zombie. Or something. I don't— it's this. I can't quite place it.

It's zombie pee. I use something similar for hunting elk, and it lures them right in. Looks like you're not much smarter than an elk, huh?

I guess not. Well, that was pretty clever. I wouldn't have thought of that.

Of course you wouldn't have. We humans are way I'm way, way better than you zombies. Uh, no, you're not.

Are so. Are not. Are so. Are not.

Are so! Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. Yes, I can!

Be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I can break a fever with my little finger.

I can shoot that sparrow with a bow and arrow. I can live on bread and cheese.

Only on that? Yep. I can eat rats. Anything you can sing, I can sing higher.

I can sing anything higher than you.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. Walked into that one. But how about this one? Anything you can sing, I can sing longer.

I can sing anything longer than you.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. I will kill you, zombie! I probably ate your mommy. I can build a fire! I can build it higher.

I can do most anything.

Can you make me cry? Want me to try? Maybe not. Anything you can sing, I can sing squeal.

I can I can't sing anything sweeter than you.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can, can, can.

No, you can't. Yes. No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. What? Can we finish the song?

Yes, we can. That was cute, but I think we both know that I'm still way better than you.

Whatever! Regardless of whether you think you're better than me or not, I will not hesitate to put an arrow through your eyeball if you so much as sneeze threateningly.

You'll try? I will! You'll try?

I will! You're cute.

What? Oh, hey, uh, um, have you seen Nicole? She was the one from the meeting, the really intense one with all the weapons and guns and knives and things.

Sorry, I haven't.

Oh no, that's okay. Um, it's Michaela, right?

Yeah. Oh, by the way, I love the dress. Oh, thanks! I just picked it up off my lunch. Off of my lunch break. Off of a friend.

Well, um, it's stunning.

Thank you. I'd hoped you would be stunned.

Okay, um, so I, uh, what did the other—

I just love what you had to say back there about us all getting along. It was scrumptious.

Okay, um, well, thank you. I've been telling everybody it's gonna be okay.

Oh, for sure it will be. It will be.

Okay. What did the other reanimated formerly What did the living Americans think of the meeting?

Oh, I don't know what they thought, but I think you are absolutely brilliant. What a brain you must have. Brian! Do you need my help with something?

No, no, no, it's okay.

I'm gonna go now. Maybe I can have you for dinner sometime. Over. Over for dinner sometime. I wouldn't be eating you, I'd be eating somebody else. Ling-els. And you can bring your own food and eat whatever you want. That's okay. I'm gonna go now.

All right. Hey, that sounds great. I'd love to pick your brain on a few ideas.

Whoa! There will be no brain picking here by anybody.

No, it's just a figure of speech.

No, it's not, because I didn't know that. Oh.

That sounds great. Yes, I'd love to. Okay. Okay.

What are you doing? If you met her for dinner, you would be her dinner.

Relax, no, it'll be fine. She even said I could bring my own food.

Sure she did. She only comes out at night, the dead and the hungry type. Nothing is new, I've seen her here before. Watching and waiting while she's sitting with you, her eyes are on the trapdoor. I wouldn't if I were you, I know what she and her friends can do. She's deadly, man, she will really rip your skin apart. She'll eat your brain matter, oh, the beauty is there, but the Beast inside her heart. Oh, here she comes. Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Oh, here she comes. Watch out, watch out, watch out. Oh, here she comes. Oh, she'll eat you up. Oh, here she comes. She's a man-eater. She's still here. Every breath you take, every move you make. Every damn drift flake, when you flex the ab quake, I'll be watching you. Oh, can't you see? You belong to me. And my dead heart aches Because you smell like steak. Every breath you take, every move you make, every day you wake, my love for you won't shake. I'll be watching you. I'll be watching. Every day you wake, every move you make, every wind you break. I'll be watching every word you say. Every single day I'll slowly decay, but I'll be watching you. I'll be watching you. That concludes the first half of our performance tonight.

Now we will have a 10-minute intermission during which some overly sweet refreshments will be served, and it will give you an opportunity to relieve bodily fluids. After 10 minutes, I must warn you, stragglers will be moved.

Enjoy the rest.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

It's been days since I've eaten. I don't even remember what it was. Oh wait, I do remember. It was that nice door-to-door salesman. I had his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. By my gourmet standards, that was a good day. Well, well, what do we have over here? Look at you, just sitting there, ripe and ready for the picking. An heirloom tomato! Cumin spice? Now if I only had a Spanish onion, it would be perfect! I'm being transported back to my Mama Fina's kitchen where she would take the simplest ingredients and turn them into gastro masterpieces. Take a ripe and fresh tomato, put it in the pot with fun. Add the onion, strong and tasty. On the stove you let it burn. Choose is the finest meat you get from man or child, it doesn't matter. Beans and jalapeño peppers necessary is to this one, but don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. Do they add the spices, the heart of the art of a cooking? Oh no, don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Without them, you won't get the flavor of sunshine. Ba-da-da-da-da-da. Ba-dee-da. Chili con carne. Chili con carne.

Chili con carne. Chili con carne. Chili con, con, con carne. Chili con carne.

Aha! Let's bake! Eat your chili nice and slowly. Don't tip it, just don't make a gaffe. Crisps, tortillas made with bones, who sound so nicely when they break. When your mouth gets full of fire, you might need something to drink. One or two or three hemoglobin-free ovarian omelettes. Universal donor, perfectly aged. But don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. The spices, the heart of the art of the cooking. Oh no, don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. Without them, you won't get the flavor of flavor of Mexican sunshine. Oh, let's eat! Not a big blonde because because they have way too many preservatives. A nice brunette would be lovely.

A nice Latino. It's Marcella, right?

A nice brunette. Oh no! Oh no! Please don't eat me! I'm of Anglo-Saxon descent. We're a very bland race. Eat me instead.

I'm 9/10 Latino. Voy bueno for chili con carne. No?

Okay, Roberto. You can sink your teeth right in there. Delicious.

I applaud your spice choice. So have you turned many humans before? Does it take a long time?

Are you trying to make conversation with me, food?

Shush! Sorry. Bon appétit. Marceline, no! What am I doing?

I have better teeth than that.

Hey guys, just come on, give it a little try. Just a little taste. Come on, didn't your mom ever tell you to try new foods? Nope. Open your mouth, here comes the choo-choo train! Choo-choo! Choo-choo! Contaminated meat. Contaminated meat. Coming to dinner. Stop! Here we go again. I feel adrenaline kicking in. I'm giddy and I want to jump and shout. I'll be a zombie, no doubt. I almost can't believe you're killing me now.

And I won't be denied by you, the animals. Oh, oh, bite me right now. Oh, oh, what are you waiting for?

Take a bite of my brain tonight. Oh, oh, bite me right now.

Oh, oh, what are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for? Say hello to my love tonight.

Oh, Okay, that is it! Somebody just eat me! Eat me! Eat me! Oh, Nicole, I'm not going to eat you, but you've been hunting me! Oh, I know, and I'm so sorry about that, but I couldn't— I couldn't help myself. Once this dries, you won't be safe. Take this opportunity to get to safety. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, nobody wants to eat me. Honey, would you eat food with your vomit on it? No, no, no, I would not. No, no, you wouldn't. So go find your own camp and your own kind. You have to be safe. No! I'm not strong without you! But I don't want this life for you, bestie. Oh no, no, no, can't do it. Here, take this. Take this to remember me by. Now go. Go save yourself from me!

Come on, Nicole, I'll take you home.

Come on, Rob. I am not ready yet! Want some of this, big guy? Don't have any more! Where are we? Would you like some?

No idea what I packed, but a drumstick might come in handy. You never know when you'll need a 3-hole punch. Donut maker. That'll be good.

Hey Nate, Ryan, have you seen Rob?

Might try that as well. Not much of a camper, are you? Not really. About the farthest I've ever walked is from my car to the lab. Well, let me give you a few pointers. Pack light and only the things that are going to keep you alive. It's going to be kind of a long trip for you. This is true, but I feel like I have to do everything I can. I feel so responsible for everything that's happening. I feel like I need to fix it. Alright, so, uh, maybe pack a sleeping bag and some clothes. By the way, uh, instead of all of this stuff— Okay, well, actually, a donut maker is a good idea.

I know, right? Oh my gosh! You can make 7 donuts! I'd come with you.

Do you actually know how to get there?

Oh, right, my map.

We must awake at break of day to find a long-forgotten line. The streets were roaring. With zombie fright, the hungry eating through the night, the world turned red and disease spread. And yet for Rob, there was no part. No part.

What's up, bro? Oh, you know, battling orcs and looking for the Orcan Stone. And then I'm gonna go back to my mountain keep and leave this old toilet seat open still. Dwarf chicks hate that. Well, Brian, I'm off.

Thank you so much for your help. I know you can do this. Oh my gosh, you know what? I was kind of thinking about the donut maker. You're going to need a generator. Oh, right. Take that 3-hole punch. There's a Home Depot down the street.

Bust through the window and just drag it along with you. That's a great idea. Marcella? Yes? Oh, my stomach's still upset. I think I need to eat. Oh, maybe not. Oh no, no, if I keep on the human, I would fix you the most fabulous meal that your stomach could definitely handle. It'd be savory and tender and juicy and succulent, but you need good meat. Oh, don't tell me you're in a food crisis too. Actually, I was thinking about a guy. A human guy? Yeah, see, I want to have him for dinner, but I'm just no good at that kind of thing. Plus, if even by some miracle the meal turned out, I hardly think you'd like it. Well, of course you wouldn't, Mikayla. But you gotta eat. Humans, so selfish. Always thinking of their own survival. I know. This one's different. He's quite thoughtful, and I think he'd come if I asked. You mean he wouldn't come all kicking and screaming? Oh, he is so different. No, it's just dinner. It's not like I'm trying to get him to like make a serious commitment or anything. Commitment? Michaela, you have such a funny sense of humor. Listen, I'd be happy to help you make this meal. As long as we can have some. As long as you take it to go. Wonderful. Let's get started. W and I will get the ingredients, and Michaela, why don't you go get your meat— I mean, man. Brian, where are you going?

Look, Mikayla seemed interested in furthering the peace process, and well, I'm eager to get started.

She's going to eat you!

Don't you understand? Nicole! What? No, this Nicole. Look, your blatant zombieism is rather shocking. How about you check your living privilege at the door next time before the That's me.

You are certifiable. I don't know why I keep trying to rescue folks who clearly don't want to go on living. Come on, Nicole, let's go.

Nicole, what? This one, it's going to be fine. She said she'd cook a nice little dinner. In fact, she even said I could bring in my own. It's going to be okay. I will see you after dinner, okay?

Come on, Nicole, let's go. No, he's a dead man walking towards his last meal, and probably not even that. I doubt she's gonna let him taste it before she offs him. You should definitely go after him, because I'm not. Fine, I'll go after him, but you're coming with me. Oh no, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to go! Look how big he got! Cajun seasoning is just the thing. A French dish with Creole overtones. My mouth is just watering. And I brought my good china because this is a special occasion. Special occasion. You so get me. I know. Look who I found. Well, actually, he was coming to find me, so we found each other. Oh, thank you so much. This looks great.

Thanks for inviting me over for dinner.

A little tough in that area.

You know, I like to work out. A little CrossFit here and there.

Push-ups and stuff like that. Don't you ruin this for me, Deb! Sit down, Brayne. I mean, Brian. Sorry, that Brayne guy is rubbing off on me. Maybe this was not a very good idea. I don't even I don't even like Brian that much. Let's go back. Oh, can it, will ya? Oh, can it! Now, to enjoy this meal using all of our senses, why don't we have a little dying music? I mean, some dining music. Brian, what would you like for your last song?

Something slow, I guess, would be appropriate.

Uh-uh. I say the faster the better. Don't be rude. We know just the song, don't we, girls? Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn didn't Leave nobody but the baby. What is bladder? Your sweet little baby, your sweet little baby, your sweet little baby, your sweet little baby. Honey in the rock and the sugar don't stop. Come on, bring a bottle to the baby.

That's marinade.

Now, when we find him, I am going to kill him. And stuff him in this garbage can. Nicole, that will never work. His ego could not fit in that can. I can try. Okay, would you like to do the honors of carving our guest?

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, this is my dinner date, not my dinner. Wait a minute, sister. You said you were having a guy for dinner. Guy? Dinner? Starving! Besides, Michaela, it took forever to make this beautiful meal, and it goes perfectly with Brain. It's Brian. Shut up, food! You should be eaten, not heard. It would be a culinary travesty to waste it. I'm sorry, but this is just not up for debate. Brian's brains are staying precisely where they are. Oh, come on, Deb. Let's go find something more agreeable. Agreeable and decent around here.

You're mine. That was incredible. That was a very noble gesture. That was chivalrous even. Thank you.

Oh, well, you know what they say, chivalry ain't dead. Except that I am. But maybe chivalry and courtesy could be embodied in my dead body. Body.

Okay, um, well, hey, the food's still here. Why don't we sit? Okay. Quit fooling around. I tell her I love the view from up here. Warm sun and wind in my ear. Here we'll watch the world from above as it turns to the rhythm of love. We may only have tonight. The dawn of the morning comes. Blue eyes deep like the sea, they roll back while she laughs at me. She rises up like the tide, the moment lifts me in mind. We may only have tonight until the morning sun go by.

The golden light, bring the music.

MUSIC. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

This is so embarrassing.

down. And long after I'm gone, she'll still be humming along. And I will keep you in my mind, the way you make life so fine. We may only have tonight, but till the morning Open your mind, open your mind. Play the music low. It's way too little, not enough. Play the music low. It's way too little, not enough. It's way too little, not enough.

Another? Okay. I'm good.

That's a lot. But thank you, this was delicious.

Thank you so much. Yeah, it was delicious watching you eat because you're yummy looking and Steak. I think I'm gonna need to go in and get something to eat real quick because I'm about to eat you.

Oh, that's a good idea. You go find something, someone, something, something, and maybe I can find you tomorrow?

I'm gonna head back to camp now. Okay. Okay.

I give up. All I want is to be with her. All I want is for others to stand under me. I think you mean understand you. That is the thing that I said. Why do you want to be an emos anyway? You mean a zombie? Yes, yes, you stand under me. Okay, we'll see. My girlfriend is a zombie, so I want to be a zombie with her. Oh, so your zombie is a girlfriend. Stay with me here. I need someone to turn me into a zombie. Zombie. So you want to find her a zombie? Uh, I don't think we're standing under each other as well as you think we're standing under each other.

I'm standing over here.

I say either and you say breathy. I say neither and you say red gum. Neither. Reggie! Neither.

Megan! Let's call the whole thing off.

Let's try this again. I say potato and you say potato. I say tomato and you say potato. Potato. Potato. Tomato.

What a skunk!

Let's talk the whole thing out.

Never mind. I just miss her so much. Brian's probably dead by now. We're too late. I really shouldn't be out here because my vomit's been all torn off, but I'm sitting duck. Well, Brian deserves it if he is dead. Doesn't matter much to my bell. I mean, I have to add. How can you be so callous? It's better to deal with the situation than hide from it, garbage girl. You son of a— Rob! What do you think you're doing now? What else?

I'm trying to be with my true love. Nah, his zombie is her girlfriend. You see, he understands me. Look, I'm sorry I'm so repulsive to the rest of you, but couldn't you just like plug your nose and get it over with as a favor to me. I miss her so much. We tried to stay together for a while after she turned, but she said it just wasn't working out because, well, I wasn't a zombie, you know. Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy you could die. I told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love, and it's an ache I still remember.

But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened, and that we were nothing. I don't even need your love. You treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough. No, you didn't have to stew so long. Have your friends collect your records and then change your number. Guess that I don't need that though.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Used to know.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know. Nicole! Nicole, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to go away. I can't keep you safe, not even for myself. Oh, just go away! I don't even know who you are anymore. Well, I thought we had at least part peacefully. Oh, I don't care how we part, as long as we do, and quickly. Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. But I don't want to live that way. Reading into every word you say. You said that you could let it go, that I wouldn't get you hung up on somebody that you used to know. But you didn't have to cut me off, make it like it never happened and that we were nothing. I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so No, you didn't have to stoop so low. Have your friends collect your records and then change your number. Guess that I don't need that though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know. Somebody that I used to know. That I used to know. That I used to know. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

I know of a used body somewhere. I'll go get it for you. No one stands under me.

I thought I told Look at it. Keep your zombie horde away from my group. Now I have to go take care of business one at a time.

Cute. Like that's the only reason you came back to talk to me. Excuse me?

What is that supposed to mean?

Come on, let's face it. You just wanted to see me again. Why? Don't try to hide it. I can see the desire burning in your eyes.

What is Oh man, the only thing burning in my eyes is that stench.

What is that? That would be the man pee. I scooped it out of a construction urinal and smothered myself. Can't you just taste the pheromones?

It's working, right? Right?

Smells fine to me.

I thought you were smarter than the average zombie. Oh, I am.

And?

I don't know, you're kind of taller than some. And? You're somewhat attractive for being undead. Are you just—

you're annoying me, okay? I'll take that as a compliment. And I do try to work out. And I have a trick for keeping my brain straight. If you promise not to tell anybody, I'll let you in on the secret. Pinky swear? Oh, careful, don't pull it off. I read every book that Glenn Beck writes. Including the last one. The Zombie Apocalypse is Here!

I have 3 copies of that one! Oh man, it's because of him I became a zombie hunter, and guess what? I even have the limited edition—

The Book of Vecna! Oh, that's his favorite!

Have you read that one?

I've read them all.

You've read all of them? So how is it that you're a zombie?

Well, let's say all my prepping for the zombie apocalypse went to waste because I was one of the first humans to be turned. Stupid UPS guy. Hit me while I was signing for a crossbow, of all things. Bob, let's get back on target. We're explaining a burning desire for me. Burning. Burning.

What's wrong with you? Your words. What? Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say. Sometimes I want to slap you in your whole face. There's no one quite like you. You push all my buttons down. I know my life would suck without you.

I want to hug you.

I want to wrap my hands around your neck.

You're a human, but I love you.

It was so bad I asked myself if I'm still here, where could I go?

You're the only love I've ever known.

But I hate you. I really hate you.

So much I think it must be true love. True love. True love. True love, true love, it must be true love.

No one else can break my heart like you.

Will you marry me? Oh, hey, Nicole. Hey, I heard you came looking for me. I know that wasn't easy for you, but I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Well, yeah, you're welcome. I mean, I didn't really have much choice. Nicole made me go with her, and it doesn't matter. Because, Brian, we're all gonna die!

Nicole, look, we can still have hope. Look, here, I want to show you something. See?

Ow! Brian, do you mean to bother on you?

This can work. Oh, Nicole. What? No, no, no, this one. Hey, look, I've got Michaela here. I don't want any trouble, okay?

Actually, I may have had a slight change of heart. Me too. Oh, shut up! You don't even have a heart.

Figure of speech. This is great. Nicole, look. Nicole, look, see? If they can get together, this has got to be— this is a sign that maybe you, maybe you and Sunshine— Brian, I hope you don't mind, but I invited some of my friends so we can finish the meeting that you started. Come on, guys.

Honey, you're supposed to ask me first before you invite people over. Hi, Sunshine! Hey, I— I'm really sorry about what happened earlier, and I am fairly certain now— fairly certain that our friendship is worth risking my life for. Oh, it really surprises me, but I missed you, bestie. And you showered! 4 times. I'm so glad to find you all here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot to say, there may be some side effects. What? Well, you know how the original goal was to create superpowers in people? No way. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that we're all superhumans? That's right.

But because of the way the radiation reacts with the hormones, everybody may have different Sunny and fun! I don't crave green human anymore. My hair isn't falling out so easily anymore.

I think I just felt my heart beat.

It feels wonderful.

Wait, wait, do we all need to take it? Yes, it works as a cure and a preventative. Oh yeah. Oh, I forgot to say, there may be some side effects. What? Well, you know how the original goal was to create superpowers in people? No way. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. You're saying that we're all superhumans? That's right. But because of the way the radiation reacts with the hormones, people may have different Or insignificant. For instance, I now have the ability to telepathically communicate to everyone within earshot just by moving my mouth. I'm doing it right now!

That's kind of amazing.

I mean, I'm— Oh, oh, wait. Oh, oh, oh, yep.

Oh, Brian, you have super strength! I know. And I, I actually have the ability to end world hunger and communicate with endangered sea creatures.

That is beautiful. I possess a phenomenal intellect with a copious vocabulary and an ex—

synchronously.

A British accent.

I have psychic ability to sense the next doomsday! Guess when it is? The day after the November election! Oh my gosh, you guys. Oh my gosh, my power is so cool. You'll never guess what it is. Oh, I have the super sense of smell. Smell. I can dig up my own triples.

X-ray vision. Awesome.

I can read people's thoughts, but only the bad ones. Buddy, get your mind out of my garbage can! That's disgusting! Don't worry, Bessie, I can get rid of those nasty thoughts with my super positive rays of subliminal sunny disposition. What? Don't judge me.

welcome to the new age to the new age welcome to the new page to the. Radioactive Radioactive Radioactive all system Radioactive, radioactive. I'm radioactive, radioactive. I'm breaking in and shaping up, checking out on the prison bus. This is it, the apocalypse. I'm waking up. Mary wants us to wonderful!

Sun hasn't died deep in my bones, straight from inside.

Radioactive, radioactive, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive. Hey, what was that all about? Oh, Rob, I'm so glad to see you. I ran into your girlfriend on the way back from the Andes Mountains. She's human again, and she's so excited to see you. Wait a second, she's human? I just got turned into a zombie! I know, but it's okay. I mean, I've got the last of the serum here, just enough for you. Thank you. You gotta get some more. I'm sorry, that was the last of it. Just go get another lime in the coconut. Sorry, it's all gone. Don't worry, I'll handle this.

Okay, honey, remember, headshot! It's always a headshot!