Cabaret Sat 830
James Crain hosts the Herriman City Arts Council's Valentine Cabaret, a family-friendly sketch where Brian tries to broker peace between humans and zombies. The cast performs parody songs riffed on Queen hits, and a scientist reveals a cure made from irradiated lime and coconut that grants survivors superpowers.
Chapters
Welcome everyone. My name is James Crain and I'm the chairman of the Herriman City Arts Council and it is a privilege to welcome you here today. Tonight we will have the 6th annual Valentine Cabaret. 6 years we've been doing this, which is wonderful. I recall 7 years ago when, and some of you in the audience were on the Arts Council, when we decided to support to this endeavor and have an a cappella group come into Harriman. Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that we would be doing what they're doing and having 5 shows that sold out. I'm incredibly proud of them. We have 4 of the original members, cast members with us tonight, and we have some new ones, new members with us, and we have a couple who won't be with us after this show. So it's something that we're going to feel bad about, but we're glad that you support the arts. And we're glad that you're here to support all of the work that they've done. They've written this. This comes from their hearts. So we appreciate all of you. By show of hands, I recognize some of you. How many of you have been to the cabaret before? So about half of you. So for those of you who have not been here, I thought we would give you the definition of a cabaret, so you know what you're about to see. The term cabaret refers to a form of entertainment featuring music, song, dance, or drama. Despite the stereotype of what has become a cabaret, there will be no burlesque dancing. Ta-da! But our motto is family friendly. What?
This is for after— this is the party after the show. Little pasties and everything.
I got to go tell Mom.
Clearly she might be one of the newer members. Probably on probation now.
All right, let me set the scene so you know what you're going to see. In the not too distant future, it is the not too distant future, and a virus is spread affecting the population and turning those who are affected into zombies. So I hope you know that from Tennessee. Tensions are high between the humans and the zombies as they fight for survival. One of the humans, Brian, has taken it upon himself to try and get the two groups together, hoping to find a common ground so they can peacefully coexist together. So without further ado— Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Um, did you didn't get the updated one? This would be the script actually I approved.
This one's better.
I didn't know there was a— This is So this is the— it's getting a little blah, blah, blah. Get to the important part about that human guy getting hurt. This is not professional. It's the Ace Attorney show. It's fine.
All right. Not too distant future.
Viruses spread. One human, one of the courageous and ruggedly handsome people Brian has taken it upon himself to be particularly tasked with trying to get the two groups together. His natural-born ability to lead and his stunning good looks will hopefully help as he works to bring the two groups together and attempt to find common ground so they can— Perfect. See, now you understand why we updated the script.
You realize part of being professional is being truthful. These people here can see you.
How you doing?
Get off.
Thank you, humans, so much for coming. Thank you, zombies— I'm sorry, reanimated formerly living Americans. Thank you so much for coming. This is the first meeting of Apocalypse Now, and my name is Brian. Brian? Yes, yes, it's Brian. Thank you. I love to eat Brian. Oh, whoa, whoa. Oh, no, no. Oh, I get it. No, no. It's Brian, not brain.
Brian.
Okay, uh, let's just chew on that for a second. Alright, perfect. Okay, like I said, my name is Brian, and the purpose of today's meeting is to introduce ourselves, and hopefully, as we kind of get to know each other a little bit more, we may be able to find some commonality and hopefully coexist. Would somebody be willing to introduce themselves first? My Brent is name. I bitten a zombie about a month ago. You were bitten by a zombie, or wait, wait. Oh, you've been a zombie? Yes. Hey, thank you. Oh yes, please.
Hi. Hi everybody. Peace, love, and happiness to you all. My name's Deb, but please call me Sunshine. And I just have to say, I completely agree with you, Brian, because I was always taught by my mom and dad that we need to love one another, right? No matter who or what we are.
Well, thank you so much, Deb. Um, would— Oh, please, yes.
Hello, my name is Marcella, and I've been a zombie for 2 and a half weeks, and I have found that the zombie palate can be quite a bland landscape. So I feel it's my duty to help elevate my fellow zombies' dining experience. You see, when I was a human, I studied the culinary arts in France. And I started my own food blog. It was very up-and-coming, called Epicurious Marcello. Speaking of France and French cuisine, do there happen to be any French humans here today? Oui, oui?
Bon appétit, bonsoir?
Thank you!
Oh, thank you! Oh yeah, excellent. Hi, my name is Rob, and, uh, wow, what a whirlwind it's been for me. So the week before the apocalypse, I was donating blood, and I found out that I have a rare blood disease, which apparently makes me repulsive to zombies. And then the next week, my girlfriend gets turned into a zombie, and I haven't seen her since. So, so I'm really excited to be here because I'm trying to find her. And I'd like to become a zombie with her. And I was wondering if maybe some of you could help with that. That's not appropriate for this type of meeting. How about you arrange that elsewhere?
Okay. We can talk after. She wants to go next.
Oh my gosh, there's—
Chelsea? Come on, Nicole. Come out. Tell me you live in a garbage can because it's weird. My name is Nicole. Louder! My name's Nicole.
Oh, well, thank you, Nicole. Um, oh, perfect. Yes.
Hi, my name's Michaela and I'm from the great state of South Carolina. I know that some of the people won't know where that is because most of the people in our nation don't have maps. South Africa and the Iraq. Everywhere like such as—
Thank you. Sir, you. Would you be— Oh, my name is Dr.— I mean, my name is Nate, and I'm just here to observe. Please carry on. Okay, excellent. In the back, Nicole, right?
This makes me sick. I can't believe you people can even sit in the same room as those things instead of pretending to play nice. I say we go out and do more important things like, well, I don't know, kill some zombies or something.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can take that attitude somewhere else. We are here to foster a— Hey, she's right. I think we ought to get on with doing what we enjoy most. She's not too smart threatening a bunch of zombies. Her brain will taste good anyway.
Just because I'm out of ammo doesn't mean I can't make quick work of you. Disgusting brain eater!
Okay, hey, settle down, I'm sorry.
Zombie, you're a fool, make a big noise, wandering in the street, gonna make a big mess. Don't die when I take out my bow, aim at your face and mount your head over my fireplace.
We will, we will rock you! We will, we will rock you! Humans just are skin sack meat packs, know your proper laying in the food chain. Must eat your brain, we don't move with much grace. This is our pace, zombies are here to take over the place.
We will, we will rock you.
We will, we will rock you. We will, we will rock you. Back to what we came here for.
Flower power!
To my friends!
Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. And another one's gone, and another one gone.
Another one bites the dust. And another one's gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust. Hey, I'm gonna get you too! Another one bites the dust, another one bites the dust, another one bites the dust, another one bites the dust.
We are the champions, my friends, and we keep on fighting till the end.
We are the champions, we are the champions. No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world. I see a little situation out of hand. Scarlemouche, Scarlemouche, we must stop this bandango. Thunderbolt of lightning, very, very frightening.
Galileo! Galileo!
Galileo! Galileo, Galileo Figaro. Oh, I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me. He's just a poor boy with a rare blood disease. Spare him his life from his monstrosity. Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah.
No!
We will not let you go.
No, I know!
Bismillah. We will not let you go.
No, I know!
Bismillah. We will not let you go. Let me go! We will not let you go. Let me go! We will not let you go. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mia, mama mia, mama mia.
Let him go. We can't go on disapp. So you think you can slay us and then we'.
You can't do this by shaking our hands. Oh baby, can't do this to me, baby. Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here. We are the champions, my friend. And we'll keep on fighting to the end.
Oh, it's already the end!
We are the champions. We are the champions. No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world, of the world. Okay, well, maybe the meeting didn't quite go as I had planned, but we'll try again next week. Rob, not with the zombies.
These are some good eats. Oh, how can you eat it just plain like that? Why don't you let me put a little cilantro rub or a reduced wine?
How cute. You still think you're human, you're so new to this. I remember what that was like. Not! You're a zombie. Give it a couple of weeks and you'll be scavenging for food like the rest of us, and you won't know the difference between a croissant And that Pop-Tart accepted.
Evil focusing.
Keep those away from me. You may not realize this because of my still ravishing good looks and my superior intellect, but I was one of the first humans to be turned. You've seen it all and you will understand in time. Don's right. Once you just relax and accept zombie being, it is liberating. Quite. I never have to worry about new clothes buying.
Care nobody. I'm expected to look a slob like.
And you do.
Yeah, me and Being a zombie has great perks, especially with dating. Really? Ever since I became a zombie, I've had some amazing dates. I just tell the guys right up front, if they don't treat me right, I'll just eat them. I can't believe I'm hearing this. Come, my fellow zombies, life should be savored in a creative fashion. We can raise the bar a little higher. What would the world be without boobs? Burguignon or Spanish paella or tiramisu.
I don't know what you just said, but there's one gourmet food that I would die again for.
Yes?
You could only get it at Chili's. I know, I think we're going Disney. Me too!
Gourmet food at Chili's, really please.
You two can help me then. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back. I want my baby back ribs. Chili baby back ribs. Chili baby back ribs. Chili baby back ribs. Chili baby back ribs. Chili baby back ribs.
Fancy ketchup slapped on a rib cage is hardly within the realm of gourmet. Oh, Dad! You've been turned!
Welcome to the family!
Yes, welcome to the family and a lifetime of boring, uncreative dining.
No! If you want to learn the ropes, stick with me. Oh, it's the zombie life for me. It's the only life that's free. Forget about your boring humankind. Oh, it's the zombie life for me. Once you try it, you will see. I see that humans don't have anything on us. Wherever I wander, wherever I mow, I couldn't be fonder of my collection of bones. The flies are buzzing all around, decay is such a lovely sound. When you find a human hiding spot, mark it with some zombie snot and maybe eat a few. The zombie life's for me and it's for you. Oh, it's for you.
Oh, it's for you.
Come on, let's go get some real world.
I'll be all right. I remember my first Hannah, what are you doing? Oh, I just can't stop thinking about that handsome human, Brian. I mean, it's not just the way he looks. Oh, but I bet he also has a very lovely brain. Brian! I love to eat Brian. I go eat Brian. But you mean brains in general. You don't mean my Brian, right? Did you see her? She just wasn't the same. None of us are safe! She's just a new puppet for me to put my arrows through. How can you say that? Sunshine was my best friend!
Yeah, why couldn't it have been me? I was right there.
Drop it, Brock. Zombies like to eat brains. Maybe you'd have to have one of those for them to want to eat you.
Hey, that's not very nice.
Is it looking darker outside to anyone else? Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
It's not warm when she's away.
Shine when she's gone.
She's gone.
It's gone too long.
Anytime she goes away. Anytime she goes away. I know, know, know, I know, know, know, I know, know, know, I know. I know, know, know, I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know. I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know. No, no, I know.
Wonder this time where she's gone.
Wonder this time where she's gone.
Wonder if she's gone to stay.
Wonder if she's gone to stay.
Ain't no sunshine where she's gone.
This house is no more.
Oh, anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away. I know, no, no, I know. Anytime she goes away. No, I know, no, no, I know.
Anytime she goes away.
No, no, no, no, I know.
Anytime she goes away.
No, I know, no, no, I know. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
I've lost everyone now, and the pressure is a little too much for me. I'm going in here, I'm never coming out.
Oh, Nicole, you don't mean that. No. Hey, Nicole, look, it's going to be okay. We're gonna find a cure, and in the meantime, we can coexist. Look, there's plenty of signs they still have lots of humanity left in them. Oh, Brian is right. The biochemical changes within them only affect certain synapse responses in the cerebral cortex. We can only find the correct counterpart. We can counteract all of this.
I don't know what he just said, but I'm not coming out. It's the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends create a nightmare. The aftermath of a scrunch of people on the streets. Terrorists, double lovers, cocaine, oh, oh, oh. Tip it around, kick my brains round the floor. These are the days in the playground. Turn away from love like a blind man sat on a fence, but it don't work. Keep coming up with the words, so slash the door. The edge of the night and the desert to change our way of caring about ourselves. These are last steps. These are starselves.
Under pressure. Under pressure. Pressure. Nicole, look at this one.
You can relax, okay?
Hey, I know Sunshine is still the same person inside. I'm sure of it.
Brian, this is not the baby.
You know, I actually think it would be awesome to become a zombie. Does anybody know how to become one besides getting bit? Because that's not working for me.
Yeah, yeah, have you tried drinking zombie urine?
I've heard this kind of helps. Really? I guess it's worth a try. No, no, Rob, no, no, no, no, no, Rob, come on.
I don't think so.
Everybody, the zombie horde is getting closer.
I need to go find a safer place to camp. I'll be back in the morning. Thanks. Thanks, Nicole.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong?
You don't look so good. You seem to be handling this all pretty well. Can I tell you something? Sure, what's up? Well, this whole zombie apocalypse thing is partly my fault. What do you mean? Well, as a scientist for the ISR, We were working with the military to create a serum that would promote superhuman strength.
Oh, cool.
Well, one day I was out of work and my colleagues made some catastrophic mistake and caused all this. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me this is just some big chemical oops? Basically. Oh my gosh, that's great! I'm so sorry. I mean, you know, sad for you and all, but that is great! That means there's really a hope for a cure! Well, yes, I do believe that's feasible. I think I've discovered the error that my colleagues made. Wait, wait, wait, so you think you found a cure, actually? Yes, I think so. What is it? The explanation's a little technical, but I'll see if I can make you understand it.
Okay.
Put the lime in the coconut and drink it whole. Put the lime in the coconut and drink it whole. You say, "Doctor, is there nothing I can take?" You say, "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache." You say, "Doctor, is there nothing I can take?" You say, "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache." You put the lime in the coconut, call me in the morning.
Ooh.
Lime in the coconut, you're human again. You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together. Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up. Put the lime in the coconut, call me in the morning. So just a lime and a coconut? That's so simple. Well, yes, it has to be a special lime that only grows in the misty forest of the Andes Mountains.
Okay.
I hope to travel there soon and study the lime to see if it has the unique properties that we need. Okay, so some special lime from some misty forest and we've got a cure. Well, yes, you do have to dose the lime with a high dosage of alpha particle radiation, and then hopefully that will have the effect that we need. Oh, right, right. So is there any chance that that radiation might cause those superpowers you were talking about earlier? Because I'm not going to lie, that would be stupendous. I highly doubt it, Frank.
You can try.
Let's just work on one thing at a time. All right. Sorry. We'll try. So the first thing you need to know about being a zombie is that despite the stereotypes, we don't just eat brains. Pretty much if it smells good, it probably tastes good, and we have very strong stomachs.
Really? Because we thought that's all you ate. Oh, don't get me wrong.
Brains are wonderful. Oh yes, you are, sir.
So what about the humans? Any rules about them?
No. Pretty much I see it as us against them. They don't bother offing one of us. So I see them as an easy food source.
Well, thank you, Master Don, for teaching me all this stuff, because being a new zombie is really scary.
It's so scary.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, oh, no, don't say that. You're learning very quickly. It takes most zombies way longer to get it than it has taken you.
Oh, good.
You were born for this.
Thanks. I think. So I just have to say I'm so glad that there are other food choices because I don't think I'd get any brains.
Not all brains are created equal. Oh, take this one for example.
Yeah?
Smells and looks smart. She would taste delicious and you would get smarter by eating her as well.
Really?
Yeah.
What about Who about this one?
Oh.
Hi.
Maybe if you were desperate. Let's face it, you've got the whole room to choose from, you can raise the bar.
I really do. So wait a minute, you're telling me that brains are different based on who they are?
Exactly. Let me give you a few examples. If you eat an Italian, you'll get mounds of delicious carbs.
Oh, right there.
Boom, boom. If you eat an Asian, they are delicious, but you'll be hungry again in an hour. If you eat a Hispanic, they'll be spicy.
Wait, wait, wait. What about the Caucasians?
Oh, the other white meat.
Yeah.
It tastes like chicken.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's right, use that nose.
Sniff him, sniff him. Meet you, meet you, meet you one day, maybe next week, because that's all I'm going to check. I'll meet you, I'll meet you, I will ride past your house, and if the lights are all out, I'll see who is around. One way or another, I'm going to I'm gonna give you the slip, the slip of a hand, one way or another. I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya one way or another. I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna give you the slip one way or another. I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya! I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall where I can see it all shake up and out. Who you call? 1-1-9-1. What kind of a pig are you? Pig! You're not going to come. Oh yeah, baby! Oh yeah!
Not taking me home with you, are you? Lots of nice meat. Oh, if it isn't little Miss Zombie Hunter. Not too wise to come alone, little girl.
You stay back, zombie filth, or I'll turn you from undead to just dead. We need to talk Can you manage that?
Well, first of all, in order to kill me, you'd have to hit me in the head, and judging by your size, that's going to present a bit of a problem for you. I have killed zombie hunters with one eye behind my back. Give it your best shot, Shorty.
The bigger they are, the harder they— Now that I have your attention, You got it. You will keep your zombie horde away from my group, or I will rip them apart bit by bit. Oh, and before you try to say something smart, let's just say I proved to you that size doesn't matter. I will always be at least 2 steps ahead of you, no matter where you go. I am thinking twice as fast as you.
You just made your last mistake. What? I will save cover your flesh. Wait a second, what's that smell?
You smell like a zombie, or you smell quite good actually. It's this, zompee! I use something similar for hunting elk, and it lures them right in. Looks like you're not much smarter than an elf.
I mean, no, that was pretty clever. I wouldn't have even thought of that.
Of course you wouldn't have. We humans are way better than you zombies.
No, you're not.
Are so.
No, you're not.
Are so.
Are not.
Are so. Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I can break a femur with my little finger.
Well, I can shoot that I can kill a sparrow with a bow and arrow. I can live on bread and cheese.
Only on that?
Yup.
I could eat rats.
Ew!
Anything you can sing, I can sing higher.
I can sing anything higher than you.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I could.
No, you can't.
Yes, I could.
No, you can't!
Yes, I can!
I kind of stumbled into that one. Try this on for size. Anything you can sing, I can sing longer.
I can sing anything longer than you.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
I will kill you, zombie!
I probably ate your mommy.
Well, I can build it higher.
I can build it higher.
I can I can do most anything.
Can you make me cry? Oh, you want me to try?
Maybe not.
Anything you can sing, I can sing sweeter.
I can sing anything sweeter than—
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't. Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can. Can, can.
No, you can't. Can, can.
No, you can't. You're too small. No, you can't. Can we finish the song? Yes, we can.
Oh, well, that was cute and all, but I think we still know that I'm way better than you.
Whatever. Regardless of whether you think you're better than me or not, I will not hesitate to put an arrow through your eyeball if you so much as sneeze threateningly.
You'll try?
I will.
You'll try?
I will.
You're cute. What?
Oh, hey, uh, have you seen Nicole? She was out looking for another camp.
Uh, she's the, she's the really intense one with all the weapons and stuff.
Sorry, I haven't.
That's okay. Um, it's, uh, Michaela, right? Oh, by the way, I love the dress.
Oh, thanks! I just picked it up off my lunch. Off of a friend.
It's stunning.
Thank you, I hoped you would Stunned. Okay. Yeah, I really liked what you had to say back there about us all getting along. It was scrumptious.
I know, right? I've been telling everybody that it's gonna be okay.
Well, for sure it will be.
It will be. Okay, so what did the other reanimated formerly living Americans think of the meeting?
Oh, well, I don't know about them, but I think you are absolutely brilliant. What a brain you must have. Whoa, Brian! You need my help with anything?
No, no, no, no, no, it's fine. Everything's okay.
Okay, I'm gonna go now. Maybe I can have you for dinner sometime.
Over.
Over for dinner sometime. I wouldn't be eating eating you, I'd be eating somebody else. Something else. Maybe you could even bring your own food and eat whatever you want. Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Okay, that sounds great. I'll catch you later then. Okay.
All right. Bye! What do you think you're doing?
It's fine.
You would be the dinner. Oh, relax.
That's what you say now.
She only comes out at night, the dead and the hungry type. Nothing is new, I've seen her here before. She's watching and waiting. While she's sitting with you, her eyes are on the trapdoor. I wouldn't if I were you. I know what she and her friends can do. She's deadly, man. She will really rip your skin apart. She'll eat your brain matter. Oh, the beauty is there, but the beast inside her heart. Ooh, here she comes. Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Ooh, here she comes. Watch out, watch out, watch out. Ooh, here she comes. Oh, she'll eat you up.
Ooh, here she comes.
She's a man-eater. I'm more worried about you. She's still here. Every breath you take, every move you make, every day I roof break, when you place an earthquake, I'll be watching you. Oh, can't you see, you belong to me, and my dead heart aches because you smell like steak. Every breath you take, every move you make, every day you wake, my love for you won't shake. I'll be watching you, I'll be watching every day you wake, every move you make, every Every wind you break, I'll be watching. Every word you say, every single day. I'll slowly decay, but I'll be watching you. I'll be watching you.
That concludes the first half of our performance tonight. Now we will have a 10-minute intermission during Shh!
I'm so hungry. It's been days since I last ate. I don't even remember what it was. Oh wait, I do remember. It was that nice door-to-door salesman. I had his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. It's Silence of the Lambs, people. Don't crowd, don't crowd. By my gourmet standards, that was a good day. Well, well, what do we have over here? Look at you, just sitting there. Ripe and ready for the picking! An heirloom tomato! Oh, what a find!
Beautiful.
What is this? Human spice? Now if I only had a Spanish onion. Can you believe it? I'm being transported back to my Mama Pina's kitchen where she would take the simplest ingredients and turn them into gastro masterpieces. Take the red vegetable, tomato. Potato, put it in the pot with oil. Add the onion, strong and tasty. On the stove you let it boil. Choose the finest meat you get from man or woman, doesn't matter. Beans and jalapeño peppers, necessary. But don't forget, don't forget, the Mexican spices. The spices, the heart of the art of the cooking. Oh no, don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. Without them, you won't get the flavor of salsa.
Chili con carne, chili con carne, chili con carne, chili con carne, chili con carne, chili con carne.
Ah, let's make each your chili nice and Slowly, move your best guess from this case. These tortillas made from bones sound so nicely when they break. When your mouth gets full of fire, you might need something to drink. One or two or three, each one will be enough. And perfectly aged. But don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. The spices, the heart of the art of the cooking. Oh no, don't forget, don't forget the Mexican spices. Without them, you won't get the flavor of flavor of Mexican sunshine. Now all I need is a protein. What should it be? Spicy. How about a blonde? A real blonde. 'Cause those fake ones, too many preservatives.
Nice kiss, Marcella, right?
No, I need more. What I need is a good brunette. Latino brunette. Brunette. No! Please do not eat me! I'm of Anglo-Saxon descent. We are a very bland race!
Eat me instead! I'm 9/10 guttino. Muy bueno for chili con carne, no?
Okay. Finally.
I've been waiting so long for this.
It's worth a try.
I applaud your spice choice. Have you turned many humans? Please!
I don't need my food to make conversation with me.
Shush. Sorry. Bon appétit. I can't believe this is finally happening.
No! Vanessa! What am I doing?
Hey guys, come on, just a little taste. Just a little bite. Didn't your mom ever teach you to try new foods? Come on, open your mouth. It's a choo choo train!
Choo choo!
Choo choo! That's right!
Train!
Train! No! Stop! Finally. Here we go again. I feel adrenaline kicking in. I'm giddy and I want to jump and shout. I'll be a zombie, no doubt. I almost can't believe you're killing me now.
And I won't be denied by you, the animal inside of you.
Oh, oh, bite me right now. Oh, oh, Oh, what are you waiting for? Say hello to my love. Oh, oh, find me right now. Oh, oh, what are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? Say hello to my love tonight.
Oh, stop! Oh, that is it! It cannot get any worse than this! Please, someone just eat me! Oh my gosh, please just eat me! Nicole, I'm not I'm not gonna eat you. You're not? But you've been hunting me! I know, and I'm so sorry about that, but— Nobody's gonna want to eat you now as long as you're covered in that. Wait, nobody wants to eat me? Sweetie, would you want to eat food with your vomit on it? No. No. No, I would not. I didn't think so. But honey, take this opportunity to get to safety. As long as you're covered with that, you're safe. You need to go find your own cabin, your own kind. No! I am not brave without you!
I know.
But I don't want this little life for you, bestie. Oh, that's just not nice. And here, take this to remember me by, because you'll always be in my whole dead dying heart. Here, take this. Remember me always. I love you. Now goodbye.
Come on, Nicole, I'll take you home. Let's go.
Wait, Rob! I am not ready to go home yet! You want a piece of this, big guy?
Not so tough now, are we?
How about this one? Would you like this one?
Anyone?
Anyone? I'm ready now, Rob. You may escort me home.
Oh my God. I really don't know what to pack for this type of trip. Drumsticks would probably come in handy. Never know when you'll need a 3-bolt wrench.
Hey Nate, Brian, have you guys seen Rob?
No, why?
I just found a little something.
Okay, that's good. He'll probably actually eat that.
So desperate. I know.
I gotta take a pill when I drink. Not much of a camper, are you? To be honest, no. I mean, about the farthest I've ever walked is from my car to the lab. Okay, well, let me give you some pointers. Pack light, and only the things that'll maybe keep you alive. It's gonna be a long trip for you. This is true, but I— I feel like I need to do everything I can. I feel partly responsible for everything that's happening. Start by maybe packing a sleeping bag, a tent, and some clothes. Instead of all of this stuff. Actually, you know what? A donut maker is a good idea. I know, right? 7 whole donuts in here. That's fantastic. But do you know how to get there? Yes, my map. Okay. —every break of day to find on the wall forgotten lines. The streets were roaring with zombie fright. The hungry eating Through the night the world turned red and dizzy spread, and yet for all there was no heart. No bite! What's up, bro?
How much are you doing? Oh, you know, battling orcs, looking for the Arkenstone. I'm never gonna go back to my mountain keepin'. Leave the gold to us.
You don't want stuff like that.
Dwarf chicks hate that. Human chicks too! Alright then.
See ya. Bye. Peace. Well, Brian, I really appreciate all the help you gave me. I'm off now. Nate, I don't know what I was thinking about that donut maker. It's not gonna work. No, no, you need a generator. All right, look, take that 3-hole punch. There's a Home Depot just down the street. Bust through the window, grab a generator, and you're golden. That's a great answer. All right, nice.
Thank you so much. My stomach is still upset. I think I need to eat something. I don't know, maybe I should wait it out. Oh, poor thing. If I could find a decent human, I would fix you the most fabulous meal. It would be scrumptious, delicious, and succulent and tender. And oh, but you need good meat. I know. Oh, sister, don't tell me you're in a food crisis too. Actually, I was thinking about a guy. A human guy? Yeah. See, I want to have him for dinner, but I'm just no good at that thing. And even if by some miracle the meal turned out, I hardly think he'd like it. Of course he wouldn't, Michaela. But you gotta eat, honey. They're so selfish, only thinking of their own survival. I know. This one is different. He's quite thoughtful, and I think he'd come if I asked. Really? You mean he wouldn't come all kicking and screaming? He's so different. No, just dinner. It's not like I'm trying to get him to make a serious commitment or anything. A commitment? Michaela, you are so funny. Listen, I'd be happy to help you with this dessert. I'll prepare it for you. As long as we can have some. As long as you take it to go. Wonderful. Let's begin. You and I will play I'll get the ingredients. Michaela, you go get your meat. I mean, man. Ryan, where do you think you're going?
Hey, Michaela seemed interested in furthering the peace process, and well, I'm eager to get started. She's gonna eat you! Don't you understand? Oh, no, this one. Yours is blatant zombieism. It's rather shocking. How about you leave your living privilege at the door next time, all right?
You are certifiable. I don't know why I'm wasting my time trying to save people who don't want to go on living. Let's go, Nicole. Oh, Nicole. What?
She said it's just a little dinner. I can probably bring my own food. It's going to be fine. I'll be back in just a couple of hours, okay? Relax. Come on, let's go.
No, he's a dead man walking towards his last meal, and probably not even that. I doubt she's gonna let him taste it before she offs him. I'm definitely not going after him, but you should. Really me? Yes! Fine. Weapons and, you know. I'm going, but you're coming with me. Oh no, I'm not coming. This is not a good idea! Come on, you coward! Nicole! Ah, Cajun spices, just the thing. A French dish with Creole overtones. My mouth is watering. And I brought my good china because this is a special occasion. You so get me. I know. Hey, look who I found. Well, actually, he was coming to find me, so we found each other. Boo! Gotcha! Buddy! Thank you, this looks fantastic.
Thanks for inviting me out for dinner.
Oh, you're really tough in this area.
I like to work out a little bit, crossfit here and there.
No worries, this should work. Don't you ruin this for me. Sit down, Brain. I mean, Brian. That Brain guy is rubbing off on me. Maybe this was a bad idea. I don't even like Brian that much. Let's go back. Not kidding, Garbage Girl. Get it! Woo! That was better. Let's enjoy this meal using all of our senses. Why don't we have a little dying music? I mean, dining music.
Ryan, what would you like for your last song? Uh, something slow, I guess, would be appropriate.
Uh-uh. I say the faster the better. We know just the song, don't we, girls? Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep, little baby. Everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn. They will leave nobody but the baby. For the splatter. I'll lay your bones on the alabaster stones and be my ever-loving dear. When we find him, I am going to kill him and stuff him in this garbage can! Oh, that would never work. His ego is way too big to fit in there. Would you like to do the honors of carving our guest? No! This is my dinner date, not my dinner guest! Wait a minute, sister. You said you were having a guy for dinner. Guy? Dinner? Starving! This took me forever to prepare, Michaela, and this meal goes perfectly with brain. Shut up, food! Food should be eaten, not heard. This would be a culinary tragedy. I'm sorry, but this is not up for debate. Brian's brains are staying precisely where they are. Come on, Deb. Let's go where we can find something more decent and agreeable around here. You're mine.
That was amazing. It was a very noble gesture. Thank you, that was chivalrous even.
Well, you know what they say, chivalry ain't dead. Except that I am. But maybe chivalry and courtesy can be embodied in my dead body. Okay, um, hey, well, the food's still here.
Why don't we sit? Okay. So enjoy it at least. You can.
You know, don't do. You know, don't do. You know, don't do.
My head stuck in the clouds, she begs me to come dance and more. We're fooling around. I tell her I love the view from up here. Her pants wind in my ear.
We'll watch the world from above.
As it turns to the rhythm of love.
We may only have tonight with us. Find your own mind. Play the music low.
It's way too good for us. My heart beats like a drum. The stars sing a song, a beautiful song to me, son. She's got blue eyes deep like the sea. They roll back while she's laughing at me.
Her eyes, they sparkle like the sky.
The moment is mine. We may only have Till the morning sun, you're my— Oh my God!
I'm so sorry.
Adam. And long after I'm gone, you'll still be humming along, and I will keep you in my mind. The way you make life so fine. We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun, you're mine. All night, play the music low and sway to the dun-dun. Play the music low and sway to the dun-dun. And sway to the dun-dun.
This is delicious. Thank you so much. Yeah, it was delicious watching you eat because you're yummy looking, Amber. I'm going to go grab something to eat real quick.
I'm gonna go back to camp now, but maybe I can find you tomorrow? Okay.
Okay. I give up.
All I want is to be with her. All I want is for others to stand under me. I think you mean to understand you. That is the thing that I said. Why do you want to be an E-Morse anyway? You mean a zombie? Yes, you stand under me. I want to be a zombie because Because my girlfriend is a zombie. So your zombie is a girlfriend?
Stay with me here.
I need someone to turn me into a zombie so that we can be together again.
You want to find her a zombie?
I don't think we're standing under each other as well as you think we're standing under each other. I'm standing over here. I say either and you say ready. I say neither and you say bed rum. Neither. Ready. Neither. Murder. Let's call the whole thing off. Let's try this again. I say potato and you say, "Ohtaypot." I say tomato and you say, "Potato." "Ohtaypot." "Tomato." "What a skunk." Let's call the whole thing off. I just miss her so much.
Oh, I'm sure we're too late. I bet Brian's already dead, and I really shouldn't be out here. My mom smells warm enough, and I'm just sitting back. Brian deserves it if he is dead. Just another notch to my belt, I guess. How can you be so callous? It's better to deal with this situation than hide from it, garbage girl. What now? Really?
Just trying to be with my true love. Yeah, his zombie is her girlfriend. See, he seems to understand me. Look, I'm sorry I'm so repulsive to the rest of you, but couldn't you just like plug your nose and get it over with as a favor to me? I mean, I miss her so much. You know, we tried to stay together for a while after she turned, but she said it just It just wasn't working out since I wasn't a zombie. Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. I told myself that you were right for me because so lonely in your company. But that was love, and it's an ache I still remember.
But you didn't have to cut me off, make it like it never happened, act like we were nothing. I don't even need your love. Treat me like a stranger, and it feels so rough. No, you didn't have to stoop so low Nicole! Nicole, what are you doing here? I told you to leave! I can't keep you safe, not even for myself! Oh, I don't even know you anymore! Just go away! Well, fine. I thought we'd at least part peacefully. I don't care how we part, as long as we do, and quickly! Now and then I think of all the times you've screwed me over. And it was always the thing that I loved. But I don't want to live that way, reading into every word you say. You said that you could let it go, that I wouldn't get you hung up on somebody that you used to know. But you didn't have to cut me off. —make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough. No, you didn't have to stoop so low. Have your friends collect your records and then change your number. Guess that I don't need that blow.
Now you're just somebody that I used to know. I know of a used body somewhere. I'll go get it for you. Nobody stands under me. Not good enough for you?
There you are! I thought I told you to keep your horn away from my group. Now it looks like I have to take care of everybody.
Cute. Like that's the only reason you came back to talk to me.
Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, you just wanted to see me again. What? No, no. Come on, I can see the desire burning in your eyes.
Oh, the only thing burning in my eyes is that stench. What is that?
That would be a man pee. I scooped it out of a construction urinal and Smothered myself in it for you. You can almost taste the pheromones. It's working, right?
Huh? I was going to say that you seem smarter than the average zombie.
Oh, well, goes without saying.
And? I don't know, you seem somewhat sharp considering being undead. And? And you're tall and Dark. Pencil.
You're going to heck out of here, you know that? Well, so I do try to work out, if it makes you feel any better. And I do have a secret for keeping my brain sharp. I'll tell it to you if you promise not to share it with with anybody. Thank you. Don't tear it off. I read every single book that Glenn Beck writes, including his last one, The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here. That's the one.
I love that book!
He has been right about everything. Everything. You know what?
I even have a special edition, the quad. You know, it's because of Chapter 7 that I became a zombie hunter. I can see that. Have you read Chapter 18? It's the best. Oh, absolutely. Wait, you've read all of this, so how is it that you're a zombie exactly?
Oh yeah, well, let's say that all my prepping for the zombie apocalypse went to waste because I was one of the first humans to be bitten. Stupid EPS guy. Bit me while I was signing for a crossbow of all things. What kind of crossbow?
A Crossman, actually. I like Bowman myself.
Anyways, let's get back on target. You were about to explain your burning desire. This is for you. Your words. Burning. Burning. No, you and me.
Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say. Sometimes I want to slap you in your whole face. There's no one quite like you. You push all my buttons down. I know my life would suck without you.
At the same time, I want to hug you. I want to wrap my hands around your neck. You're human. But I love you.
And you make me so mad, I ask myself, why I'm still here? Where could I go? You're the only love I've ever known. But I hate you. I really hate you.
So much I think it must be true love. True love. True love. Nothing else can break my heart like true love. True love. It must be true love. Nothing else can break my heart like you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Will you marry me?
Hey Nicole, I heard that you came looking for me. I know that must not have been easy for you, but thank you, that's pretty nice.
Well, you're welcome.
I didn't really have a choice.
Nicole made me go. And it doesn't really matter, Brian, because we're all gonna die!
Nicole, look, it's all gonna be okay. We have to have hope. Here, I've got an example for you. Look, Nicole, see?
Proof that this can all work out. Ah, Ryan, do you need me to call it on you?
No, no, I'm trying to show you this can be fine. Nicole, no, no, this one. Hey, look, I've got Michaela here. Hey, I don't want any trouble, okay?
Uh, well, it just so happens that I had a slight change of heart. What? Me too.
Oh, shut up! You don't even have a heart! Figure of speech. Nicole, see? Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, you gotta see this. Look, another example. This can all work out. Yeah, Brian, I invited some of my friends to come along and finish the meeting that you started. Hey, hey, here's your chance. Come on, guys.
I told you to warn me before we have company over. Oh, hi Sunshine! I'm really sorry about earlier. I'm fairly certain that our friendship is worth risking my life for. Keep going. Okay, um, so can you forgive me? I'm sorry. I didn't expect that. But I missed you! You showered 4 times.
Oh, I'm so glad to find you all here. Nate, Nate, you're back! Oh, did you find what you were looking for? I did. The lime was everything that I'd hoped, and after I exposed it to the radiation, I put the lime in the coconut. Wow, we don't need to see that again. But, uh, does it work though? Yes, it does. In fact, I I've been distributing the serum to everybody that I can find. You guys are actually the last group that I'm aware of.
The last of the serum is for you. Oh, I feel sunny and fine. I don't crave grade A human anymore. My hair!
It isn't falling out so easily anymore! I think I just felt my heartbeat. This is wonderful. Wait, we all need to take it? Yes, it acts as a cure and a preventative. Ow. Oh, and there may be some slight side effects.
What?
Well, recall how the original The whole goal was to create superpowers. No way! Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're saying we're all superhuman? That's right. However, the radiation interacts with their bodies in slightly different ways, so we all have different superpowers. For instance, I have the ability to telepathically communicate with everyone within earshot just by moving my mouth. I'm doing it right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Oh yeah. Oh, wow, so strong!
Oh, Brian, you have super strength! I know. And I, I have the ability to end world hunger, communicate with endangered Sea creatures.
I possess a phenomenal intellect, a capacious vocabulary, and, and synchronously, a British accent.
I have the psychic ability to sense the next doomsday Guess when? Guess when? The day after the November election! That's right, that's right! I'm done, I hope you're prepared. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm feeling my power. Here's what my power is, you won't believe it. It's the super sense of smell. I can dig up my own truffles!
X-ray vision.
It's over here, big guy. I can read people's thoughts, but only the bad ones. Hey buddy, get your brain out of my trash can. That's just Guess it! It's okay, Dusty. I can get rid of those negative thoughts with my super positive rays of subliminal sub-me disposition. See? Don't judge me. See? It works!
I'm waking up to ash and dust. I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust. I'm drinking in his chemicals. I'm breaking in, I'm shaping up and checking out all the Prism Buzz. This is it, the apocalypse. Whoa, I'm waking up. I feel it in my bones, enough to make my system blow. Welcome to the new age, to the new age. Welcome to the new age, to the new age. Whoa, I'm radioactive. Café Rio!
The sun hasn't died deep in my bones, streaming from inside. I'm waking up.
I feel it in my bones enough to make my system blow. Welcome to the new age, to the new age. Welcome to the new age, to the new age. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm radiowide, dear Radioactive, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive. So what was that all about? Rob, I'm so glad to see you. I ran into your girlfriend on the way back from the Andes Mountains. She's human again and she's so excited to see you. She's human? What? I finally got turned into a zombie and she's human? Don't worry about it. I had the last of the serum here. There's just enough for you. Thank goodness. You gotta get some more. I'm sorry, that was the last of it. Just go get another lime in the coconut or whatever it is you do.
There's no more. Don't worry, I got this. Honey, remember, it's a headshot. It's always a headshot.
