Herriman Harmonyx Valentines Cabaret 2017

Here on Gannon's Ark.

Newton's apple!

What is it, Professor? Is there anything I can do to help?

Well, Skipper, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. Which would you like first?

Oh, tell me the good news, Professor.

Well, I am so close to completing my latest scientific experiment. If my calculations are correct, I am just 2 elements away from creating cold fusion.

Cold fusion? What's that, Professor?

Well, Skipper, cold fusion is a way to create energy on this island to make life more comfortable. It'll generate light, heat, refrigeration, and if we can find some minerals and forge them into retrograded parts, we can repair the S.S. Minnow's engines and have enough power to get us all home.

Excuse me, Professor, you lost me at retrograded. Could you repeat that?

Gilligan, don't interrupt the professor when he's saying smart things. Boy, Professor, you sure are amazing, but, uh, What's the bad news?

Well, the bad news, Skipper, is I don't have those two missing elements.

That is bad news.

But I have some more news, Skipper. I've identified two species of tropical flower that exist on this island that may contain the elements.

That's excellent, Professor. I don't know what we would do without you.

Probably die. I am the very model of a modern intellectual. I'm information, vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the works of Archimedes, other docs historical, from Newton, Einstein, Hawking, all the order categorical. I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical. I understand equations both as simple and quadratical. About binomial theorem, I am teeming with a lot of news.

News, news.

I wonder what news is coming out in this month's edition of Scientific American. I hope I get home before my subscription runs out. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

I'm very I'm very good with integral and differential calculus. I know the scientific names of beings animaculous. But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern intellectual.

But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, he is the very model of a modern intellectual.

Now pay attention.

He's so hot.

I know the mythic history of the Big Bang and Cro-Magnon. I answer harder crosswords. I have a pretty taste for paradox. I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Emile Debeles. In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous. I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dozensophonies. I know the croaking chorus from the frogs of Aristophanes.

And I can sight-read on the new clarinet John Williams' many scores.

I'm proficient in themes on Jaws, E.T., Jurassic Park, the Imperial March, Raiders March, and Star Wars. And while we're on the film subject, I am fluent in Wookiee.

Thank you!

And may me recite every line of Master Yoda's wisdom prose.

And may me recite every line of Master Yoda's wisdom prose. And may me recite every line of Master Yoda's wisdom prose. Listen to me, will you? Mr. Prose!

Then I can say the first 10,000 digits from the number pi and calculate all 1.14 trillion numbers after that. But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern intellectual.

But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, he is the very model of a modern intellectual.

But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model—

A Walmart intellectual! Now, Skipper, I'm going to need your help.

I have made a sketch of this flower that exists on the island. If you will take this and scour the west side of the island for it, I will finish up here, and then I will scour the east side.

Hey, I want to help too, Professor!

Oh, excellent! Two sets of eyes are better than one.

Well, if it's trouble you're looking for, Professor, Gilligan's eyes are 20/20.

Come on, Skipper, I really want to help.

Okay, but you got to do what I say, little buddy, and no messing it up.

Aye-aye, Skipper.

All right, let's go, little buddy.

Okay.

You know, Mr. and Mrs. Howell, we could certainly use some help with the laundry.

I'm sorry, we are doing our best to keep up the classes of civilization. Why, if we were to start doing domestic chores, the whole social structure of this island would fall to savage ruin.

Savage ruin!

You know what that means.

Oh goody, sportswear!

Cheer up, Ginger, you've got Marianne to help you. Oh, and Marianne, don't forget the starch on my dress shirts.

Marianne, how do you let them walk all over you like that? Oh, it's all right.

I don't mind more.

And when are you going to tell him how you feel about him?

Mr. Howell?

No, silly, the professor. Everyone knows you're in love with him.

Not everyone. See, watch.

Oh, wait, Marianne. Do the walk I showed you, remember? Give him the eyes too.

He loves it.

I'll try. Professor, I made you a coconut cream pie this morning.

Yes, Mary Ann, just set it there.

Fine.

Here I am, one of two eligible women on a deserted island, and he doesn't even know I exist.

You're hopeless.

Guess mine's not the first heart broken.

I'm not the first to cry.

I'm not the first to know there's just no getting over you.

Hi, Mary Ann, could you get me that flower?

I know I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you.

Professor, can't you see? There's nothing else for me to do.

I'm hopelessly devoted to you.

But now there's nowhere to hide since you pushed my love aside. I'm out of my head, hopelessly devoted to you. Just hold on to you, and that's what I intend to do. I'm hopelessly devoted to you.

Thank you.

But now there's nowhere to hide since you pushed my love aside. I'm out of my head. Hope is in the morning to you.

Hope is in the morning to you. Hope is in the morning to you.

Marianne, you found my lab coat. I've been looking for that.

Here you go, Professor.

Thank you. Oh, Marianne—

Are you sure you don't want me to wash it for you, Professor?

Might you?

Thank you.

Okay. Oh, Professor, you forgot your pie!

Oh, that work. Oh good, they're all gone.

Come along, lovey.

All right.

Hey Thurston, where are we going? And why can't anyone know?

Well, because, Mommy. If we have to go check the new hiding spot where we buried our money, if anyone else knows about it, then it won't be safe.

But Thurston, darling, why do we need money? We live on a deserted island.

Well, didn't you hear the professor? His new invention could get us off this island and back to a life of luxury.

Oh, I love luxury.

And we can't have a life of luxury if we don't have our money.

Packed to the rink full of cash when you can't decide what diamonds to wear or the help who does your hair as counsel because of share when you bought a check to start so you find that you just made a million and you're sad that you're not making more and you find a CPA who can hide wealth from Uncle Sam Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The taxman is. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Sorry, dearest. Your money flies out the door Money makes the world go around the world go around the world go around Money makes the world go around the clinking, clinking sound Money, Clinking sound Is all that makes the world go round wallet packed to the brim full of cash. When you can't decide what diamonds to wear or the help who does your hair does counsel because of share.

When you bought a check for stocks and find that you've just made a million and you're sad that you're not making more.

And you find a CPA who can hide wealth from Uncle Sam. Knock knock.

Who's there?

The taxman! Whoa!

Eunice, are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Ginger. I can finish up the rest. So, how did it go with the professor? Did you tell. It makes the world go round.

It makes the world go round. Oh gee, I'm sorry, Ginger.

I can finish up the rest.

So how did it go with the professor? Did you tell You're madly in love with him.

No, I can't. I just don't have your confidence and charisma. Maybe you should just go after him.

Oh, honey, if I wanted him, he'd be mine already. I mean, I had the pick of every leading man back in Hollywood. But I don't go out with just anyone. Oh, don't get me wrong, Marianne, the professor, he's handsome, isn't he? Very intelligent. But if a man doesn't set off my bells and whistles, well then I'm just not interested.

Ginger!

Oh!

Where are you?

What is that?

Oh, I don't know, but I think it's a man.

No, I think it's an animal. What's that sound? What are those?

It's bucking.

Those look like people. Those can't be real.

Well, of course they're real. What is he talking about?

I've been alone on this island for years. Yes, yes, for years.

Let's not get too close, Ginger.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm so curious, Marianne.

How do I tell if she's free?

Touch her.

Ginger, are you okay? What was that?

I didn't hear anything. What did you do to her?

Me?

I just— uh, have you seen my friend?

No, there's two of them.

Yeah, and if it doesn't work out with the professor, you can have the other one because this one's mine.

I lost sight of him when he flew high in the sky. But I think he landed in this area.

Did you hear that, Marianne?

They have a plane! I can finally get off this island!

My buddy and I are getting off this island as soon as I gather a few supplies. We are out of here, butterfly!

Like, out of his mind! Believe this guy, do you, Ginger?

Oh no, Marianne, something is telling me that something is very different about this one. You go tell the others. Take the shortcut through the jungle, it's faster. I'm gonna stay here and get a little more information. I think I'll be right back.

Oh, it's harmless.

Okay, if you're sure, but don't be too long or I'm coming back with Gilligan and Skipper?

Hi, I'm Ginger. What's your name, handsome?

It will be dark soon. I will gather kindling and make a mighty fire.

All right.

The time to hesitate is through. Time to wallow in the mire. Try now, we can only lose. No, we couldn't be much higher.

Come on, baby, light my fire. There we go, there we go.

It's a signal fire for my breath. Ooh, meteor shower! Go fireflies, go!

You're free, you're free!

Yah! Yes! Look what I have created! I have made fire! I have made fire!

Well, you certainly light my fire. Let's go for a walk on the beach.

Coconut! Flora, a heart.

That's incredible.

What's it gonna take to get your attention? Does anybody have a coconut opener? Motion.

Man driving, true love leaning, no reason, he just seems so pleasing. I'm going to make you, make you, make you guilty. Going to use my arm, going to use my leg, going to use my step, going to use my sex tape, going to use my fingers. Gonna use my, my, my imagination.

World is ours to see.

There's nobody else here.

No one like me.

I'm special, special, so special, special. Let's play on and venture into me.

Tell me, what's your name? I need to know.

My name, uh, uh, oh, I'm Tom. What is that? Tom, don't go anywhere.

I'll be right back after I get my things in it.

Bon voyage for me and my Tom.

Aha!

There you are, Wilson! Boy, you sure got served up in the air that time. How was your landing? Uh-huh.

Oh, really?

Oh, Wilson, you're the best.

Ooh, you make me live.

Whatever this world could give to me, it's you. You're all I see.

Ooh, you make me live. Now, Wilson. Ooh, you make me—

You know what?

Let's throw a band pin right here. I need some help.

Please, come on up, everybody.

Wilson needs to feel the love, so you go ahead and hold him here, okay? Really, really let him feel it, okay? Is that seat taken? Thanks. Everyone else sitting at tables, please turn to the partner next to you, grab their hand, and lovingly gaze into their eyes.

<LYRICS>You make me lay.

Whatever the world could give to me, it's you. You're all I see.</LYRICS> Ooh, you make me—

are you doing anything up there?

He loves armpits. Dance or something?

Yeah, okay, we can try that.

Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you're the best You're my best friend that I ever had. I've been with you such a long time. You're my sunshine, and I want you to know that my feelings are true.

I really love you.

You're my best friend.

Thanks.

1, 2, 10.

Oh, you make me live.

Oh, you're my best friend. Wilson. Wilson.

Wilson! Wilson! Where—

oh, oh, there you are! Great hiding place. I would never have thought to They have a plane.

It must be one of those four seater fishing seaplanes with all that talk about nets.

Oh, good.

I say, fine young fellow.

I will make it worth your while if my wife and I can come along with you and your pilot friend. Watson, was it?

Wilson?

Yes, yes, that's right. Wilson.

Fine, fine name.

So, we have an agreement.

I'm trying to determine who this is. Uh, young man.

Warrior 1!

Warrior 2!

Warrior 3!

How is it that you came to be here?

I helped my friend Wilson land here, and now he's checking on the net. And when Wilson is ready, we are going to leave this island!

Do you hear that, Bobby? They have a plane.

It must be one of those four-seater fishing seaplanes that— with all that talk about nets.

Oh, good.

I say, fine young fellow, I will make it worth your while if my wife and I can come along with you and your pilot friend. Watson, was it?

Wilson!

Yes, yes, that's right. Wilson. Fine, fine name. Uh, so do we have an agreement? You and your friend will take us off this island?

The redhead lady that walks funny and her friend, they want off this island too.

Oh, that Ginger and Mary Ann got here first.

Oh, those hussies.

Well, no matter. We will— we—

sorry. We Howls always get what we want.

We do.

But how, dear?

With our money. People always do what we want once they see the green.

That's true.

Young man, don't go anywhere. We will be right back.

Money makes the world go round, the world go round, the world go round. I like you.

Money makes the world go round, the world go round, the world go round. Wilson, my little world, go around the— Wilson, wait for me! Stars!

Two more strangers?

Hello.

My name is Marianne. Who are you?

I am Philippus, and this is my sister Hippolyte. I was on board ship. I was raiding islands up and down the Pacific when we caught a mighty storm.

Cursed Poseidon!

Sadly, only the two of us survived and washed upon this shore. Now tell me, skinny, puny female, where is your village? Or do you belong to a sisterhood tribe?

A sisterhood tribe? I'm not sure I understand.

Let us explain.

This will do. That's it.

We belong to the mighty Amazon Sisterhood. There is none better.

Sister, sister, may I never such a moment, sister. Never had to have a chaperone, no sir. I'm here to keep my eye on Caring, sharing, every little thing that we are wearing. When a certain army attacked from Rome, she wore the armor and I stayed home. All kinds of weather, we stick together the same in the rain or sun. Two different natures, but in tight Places we pillage and raid as one.

Philippus, what is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the men.

Those who have seen us ran in fear and wailed and cried and begged us, please don't use our men and then just kill them when you're through. And what would we do? We ran, we yelled, Zeus, help the mister who comes between me and my sister! And Zeus, help the sister who comes between me and my men!

So let me get this straight.

You're Amazons, and you enslave men to build your race, and then you kill them? That is correct.

We will teach and train you in our ways. In time, you will be a strong Amazon warrior. And for an extra $10.99 a month, we can upgrade you to Amazon Prime.

Where are your swimmen?

We know they are here.

We can smell them.

Bring them along with your other sisters from the village, and together we will fill this island with a new Amazon race.

Now go.

I've got to go warn the others. Poor men. The professor!

Gilligan, ya nincompoop! The professor said to look for the flowers on the west side of the island, but this is the map of the east side of the island!

Skipper! Why, ya villain! Behind you!

Well, Gilligan, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

Me?

I didn't tie us up. Those muscly women did. What do you think they'll do to us?

They're probably cannibals.

Wait, no, remember, Skipper? The professor said when we shipwrecked on this island that there were no cannibals.

Well, thank you very much, Gilligan. While I'm being cooked up as as the main course, I'll take so much comfort in knowing that the professor was wrong.

Wait a minute, what are you gonna be the main course? Stop!

Listen, if we're gonna make it out of this alive, you've gotta do what I say. Look down, look up in the eye. Look down, look down, we're here until we die.

Skipper, I just don't see it that way. Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's bristle, don't grumble, give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And Always look on the bright side of life. Gilligan, this is serious.

Don't you grasp what's happening here?

Always look on the bright side of life.

Would you hold still?

Okay, Skipper. Try it.

Look down, look down. Don't look 'em in the eye. How long, how long until they let us die?

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten. You have to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be like Donald Trump.

That's the theme of Happy Christmas.

You will always look on the bright side of life.

Try it.

Look down, there's no hope left to save. Look down, look down, we're standing on our grave.

Well, that's just depressing. Try whistling something happy. Like this.

Killigan, this is quite absurd, and death's the final word.

Then you must face the curtains with a bow.

So forget what I am in, give the enemy a grin.

Yes.

Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Okay. Always look Always look on the bright side of life. That's it, Skipper! Always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the bright side of life.

Side of life.

Aye, aye, Skipper!

At ease, little buddy!

Help us!

Oh, you poor dear boy, you must be thirsty. Here, I have just the thing that'll make it all better. I'm a germaphobe, so you're gonna have to catch it.

No!

You gotta catch it, Todd, it's 90% fruit!

It burns! Stay here, child.

What are you two playing?

We'll explain later. Just help us out of these ropes.

We're tied up by these women. Skipper thinks they're cannibals.

Loving?

Yes?

If we untie them, they may run into, you know, him. And take our seats on the plane. Once we're squared away, we'll tell the others where to find them. Dreadfully sorry, old boys, but we have a very tight schedule to maintain, and we'll send someone along shortly.

Wait, sis!

Wait! Where are you going?

Toodle-oo!

Oh, come back!

Well, that's fine. If we get out of this alive, I'm going to wring that Thurston Howell Byrd's neck!

Skipper!

The rope!

The ropes!

They're dissolving! So's my sternum!

This is hell, but in her dreams! Never mind. Gilligan, with all your strength, push against the ropes. Ready?

Okay.

We've got to warn the others, buddy.

Let's go! Okay.

Oh, the slaves have escaped! They show cunningness and strength. They'll make a fine breed.

Look, sister, a map! But it appears they're heading to the area opposite here.

We don't need a map.

We are among the finest trackers among our sisters.

This way to pillage! Oh my goodness, my goodness, oh my goodness, Professor!

Where do I begin? First of all, Ginger and I ran into this crazy wild man who, of course, Ginger is infatuated with. She thinks he's going to rescue her off the island. And then I ran into these two dangerous—

Professor!

Professor!

There are cannibals! We've wandered the island!

We are tied up!

We need to arm ourselves!

Those cannibals are really strong women. They have huge thighs, huge arms, scary faces.

And they mean to do harm to all the men.

Wait, you mean they only eat men?

Amazons?

What are you talking about?

Have you gone mad?

I don't—

They're gonna kill us! They want to eat us!

Obviously, you guys, there's something going on here.

I suppose we can fix the boat faster.

Stop right there, you D-list Hollywood troller!

Why do you think you're going?

You think you can use your Jezebel charms to swindle us? Well, Well, unpack those bags, girlie, because we are taking those two seats on Wickham's plane.

Ginger, you aren't really leaving us, are you?

I can't help it.

Stop ringing his neck. Okay, now there must be a logical reason for why you are all acting this way. I deduce that you all have contracted a virus that has brought on a group hallucination that you got on the west side of the island where you all visited. I was on the east side of the island and I am clearly not hallucinating.

Oh, Darwin!

I've got the hallucination too.

I've got the virus.

Oh, I stand corrected.

They are real men.

Over there, women, gather over here now.

Okay, let's just do what they say and we'll be okay. Ginger, this way. Mary Ann, all right.

Yes, you figure it out. Mr. Howe, okay, you'll stay with me.

Mr. Howe, money won't save you from this situation. Now get back in line. Let's go. Okay, now you stand here and you stand—

Who are you?

Oh, I'm, uh, I can never remember this part.

Oh, it's Tom.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, Tom.

Enough talking. You listen to us now. We will train you weak, pathetic women into Amazonian warriors. But first, we must each choose a man-slave of our own. When the slave's usefulness is no longer needed, they will die honorably knowing that they helped build the next Amazonian tribe of sisters!

Arrrgh! You, order a strong drink!

Choose your manslave and begin the Amazonian ritual.

Okay, Mrs. Huff, you don't have to do this. I choose—

I'm going to choose the skipper! Permission to come aboard!

Isn't this fun, girls?

Girl power!

Strong choice, meat-sipper. This skipper is mine.

Yes, and this—

what do they call you?

Please don't eat me.

This please don't eat me belongs to me.

3 left to choose from.

Hey, don't forget about Wilson. He makes 4. What's that, Wilson?

Wilson?

Yeah. Oh, I'll tell him.

Wilson would like it to be known that he's a great listener, well-rounded, loves long volleys on the beach, and always bounces back whenever life gives him a hard bump. Take it from me, Wilson's quite the catch. Wilson's a volleyball? I'm never getting off this island.

Hello, Wilson.

Court munch? He's a volleyball! Silence!

It has been decided.

This village idiot has undesirable traits. He must die!

Save yourself, Wilson! Mom!

Wait!

No! Wilson! I'm sorry! Sorry, Wilson, I can't.

Prepare to die, man with puny brain.

Wait a minute, I'd hate to get anything on my nice shirt.

Can it be?

It is!

Tom Tom!

First and Thomas all the book, where have you been?

If it really is you, The Howe family crest birthmark proves it.

Yes, a trait passed on every other generation, starting with your great-great-grandfather.

Son, Father, Mommy, I have longed for this day.

I have waited years, tortured with a question that I must ask.

What is it, son?

What the heck happened here?

Ah, yes, another unfortunate trait passed on From your great-great-grandfather.

Your father and I booked the SS Minnow on a hunch that you were somewhere in the Pacific, but then we ended up shipwrecked here.

Yes, son, tell us what happened to you.

I look to the sea, reflections on the way. Spotted my memories, some happy, some sad. Thought of childhood friends and the dreams we had. We lived happily forever. So the story goes, somehow we missed out on the pot of gold. But we'll try the best that we can to carry on. And suddenly, a bright light And a chorus of voices.

Come sail away with me.

Come sail away.

Come sail away. Come sail away with me.

Live in the moment.

Love now.

It repeats.

Come here. Come meet my friends. No one believed it.

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise, they had a trap over their starship.

And I flew through the skies.

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me. Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.

Choo choo chaa!

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.

Babe.

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.

This will now conclude the first half of our performance. Now there will be a brief intermission during which you will receive refreshments. There is a restroom in the back, and for the men, there is a bucket.

Commercial breaks brought to you by our sponsor, Sunshine Laundry Detergent.

Nothing beats those stains out like the power of the sun. Sunshine laundry detergent, that is. And to tell you more about it, here is the cast of Gilligan's Island singing the Sunshine Laundry Detergent medley.

1, 2, 1.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, my worries aren't gray. You'll never know dear How much I love you.

The power of the sun in every—

Wash with power of the sun, the power.

You are the sunshine of my life. I breathe in your life, I breathe away your life.

That's why I'll always be alive.

You are the apple of my eye. Oh, forever you'll stay on my shelf, on my shelf, on my shelf.

Ooh, Sunny, thank you for the anti-staining clean.

Sunny, thank you for the fresh scent.

All the dark stains are gone and the bright whites are here.

We're paid to say this, but we're sincere.

Sunny One So True.

I love this new convenient travel size for stains on the go.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, my whites are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

I love you.

I do.

Comes in pots.

I do. Packed with the power of the sun!

Your story of adventure entertained us much. Therefore, we have decided that you will be useful as village fool and target practice for our future children. You will live here now. Over there, fool! And as for you, future Amazon, until we gain your trust and allegiance, you will remain with your hands tied.

We will break your resolve. Oh, please.

You tell them, sister.

I just did.

I was just trying to, like, hype you up.

Philippus, show these weak women how we treat our slaves. Come here, slave.

Gilgamesh, don't give in.

Go on, Philippus. Come here now, slave, and I promise I won't hurt you.

Gilgamesh, stand up.

To her, we're all behind you.

I think it's so cute, and I think it's so sweet, how you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me.

Stop you there, before you speak.

Nod to the aah, to the no, no, no. My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no. I need to let it go, need to let it go, need to let it go. Nod to the aah, to the no, no, no. First you gonna say you ain't running game, thinking I believe in every word. Wait until I die, so original.

I'm telling you, I was in my zone before you came along.

Now I'm thinking maybe you should go.

Well, lick your lips and swing your hips. And all you gotta say is My name is.

No, no, no.

Thank you in advance.

I don't want to dance. I don't need your hands or love from me. If I want a girl, then I'm gonna get a girl, but it's never my priority. I was in my zone before you came along. Don't want you to take this personal.

Love, love, love. No, no, no.

All my brothers listen up, but if that girl ain't giving up, You don't scare us. We like them like that.

Come on!

Give him everything!

If my hair were shiny, he would wash it off the sun! Oh, Hades, what is that smell? Tristan's underwear. They have the upper hand. What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You threatened my man. Be prepared for me to open a can of water!

We can?

We have to teach them about the power of love.

No! Not love! It's against our religion!

I know you two don't know any better because you've only been taught your Amazon ways. You must have goodness deep down inside somewhere.

No, no goodness. Besides, there's love to be found.

That's right. We're gonna teach you how to find it.

Uh-uh.

Oh, Marianne, do you think this is really gonna work? Has to.

The only chance our men have. But something's missing and you gotta look back on your life.

Maybe something just ain't right.

What about love?

Don't you want someone to care about you?

What about love? Don't let it slip away.

What about love? Don't you want someone to share it with you? What is love?

Baby, don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me no more.

It's easy, all you need is love.

Everybody now. All you need is love.

And Jen. All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Give yourself a round of applause.

Wonderful, great.

Don't you want a lasting love? Don't you need a love to fight for?

Fight?

Sounds good.

We love to fight.

You bring a lot of sunshine into your life. It would be whatever it is that you ever want, more than you ever dreamed of. No one can steal this love from you. He will be—

Skipper!

Loving me.

Gilligan?

Yes, Marie. Professor! Eternally.

Tom.

Hugging and fighting and kissing and pleasing together forever.

He will be—

Mr. Howe?

Loving me. I'm living true love. I'll be giving to him. I'll be serving because I'm so deserving. He will be— Love is forever.

It will be forever. It will be forever. It will be forever. It will be forever.

It will be an everlasting love.

I feel—

I feel different and happy. God, thank you for showing us this thing called love, and we no longer want to harm your men and We should live among you and learn your ways.

Yes!

We will promise never to kill or pillage, so long as we get to give love and be loved.

And if our terms are not met? Then it's back to our Amazon ways!

No!

No, we're right back to where we started.

Oh girls, girls, don't give up! We've broken new ground with the Amazons today. Why, if we castaways who come from different walks of life can live together in harmony on the island, I'm sure we can find a way to include the Amazons. Now, it's been a very long day, and I have a long-lost son to catch up with. So why don't you Amazons go rustling us up a nice juicy pig, and we'll have a grand luau where Marianne and Ginger will do all the work.

I know. Oh my God. Don't forget to clean it up.

Good morning, Professor.

Good night to you too, Mary Ann.

Uh, what an eventful day yesterday.

Yes, I heard.

It's like a week. Some would say just another normal day here on Gilligan's Island. Professor, I've been meaning to tell you something. I wanted to tell you last night at the luau, but I never got a chance with everyone around. Things are so different now. I'm different.

Oh yes, Mary Ann, so different that I doubt I'll ever have a chance at winning your affection now.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Marianne, I can't keep it inside any longer. Ever since the first day I saw you on the SS Minnow, I said to myself, now there's a girl I could cruise with for the rest of my days. But you obviously wanted nothing to do with me. So I figured that if I could find a way to get us off of this island, surely I could win your attention. So you've been feeling for me this whole time?

Well, yes, I think I've been quite obvious.

Well, yes, I've spent countless hours scouring the island for different flowers. I've been devising. I have ignored everything except for my work.

So let me get this straight. You thought you could get my attention by ignoring me?

Now you see it my way, yes.

You're impossible, Professor.

Okay, well, anyway, what were you gonna tell me?

Well, first of all, that while you may have a very high IQ, When it comes to women, you are clueless. And, well, second, I have feelings for you too.

Oh, Mary Ann, that's wonderful. You sure hid it well, though.

I hid it well?

Yes?

Professor, I tickled your face with flour. And then you took it from me and ripped it into teeny tiny little pieces and put it into one of your potions.

Oh, I was making that for you.

Well, you never gave me that potion, and you never told me that any of those experiments were for me.

Well, but—

You caught me wearing your lab coat, man. Just saying. And smelling it.

I didn't see that part, but—

Everyone on the island knows I have feelings for you. Wilson knows I have feelings for you, and he eats a volleyball.

Mary Ann, technically he is an olive oil and can't— okay, we'll sit down. But I meant what I said. Everything I've done has been to get you off of this island.

Baby, let's cruise away from here.

Don't be confused. And if you want it, you've got it forever. This is not a one-night stand, baby. So let the music take your mind. Just release and you will find you're gonna fly away. Glad you're going my way. I love it when we're cruising together. Music is made for love. Cruising is made for love. I love it when we're cruising together.

Baby, tonight belongs to us.

Oh, everything's right.

Do what you want.

And inch by inch we get closer and closer to every little part of each other, baby. So let the music take your mind Just release and you will find you're gonna fly away as you go my way. I love it when we're cruising together. Music is made for love, cruising is made for love. I love it when we're cruising together. You're gonna fly away Glad you're going my way. I love it when we're cruising together. Music is played for love. Cruising is made for love. I love it when we're cruising together.

Oh, Professor.

Call me Roy.

Roy, do you think that Gilligan and Skipper will be happy agreeing to be part of the Amazons' peace treaty?

Marianne, for our sakes, I hope so.

There you two are. I should have known you would have gone off together alone.

Oh, you're not dressed yet.

How'd you know? Every young man should have a boutonnière, and every girl should have something better than this to wear. Now clean this up. Let's get ready. Faces, everyone.

The sacrifice is about to start. from one.

And now the fight is done. Our defenses are down. They've broken our resistance, and we don't know where we stand. We went into the fight like a lion, but we came out like a lamb.

Our defenses are down. They've got us where they want us and we can't escape, no how. We can speak to our hearts when they weaken, but our hearts won't listen now.

Like a toothless, clawless tiger.

Like an organ grinder's bear.

Like a heartless, heartless tiger.

Samson without his hair.

Our defenses are down, we might as well surrender, for the battle can't be won. But we must confess that we like it, so there's nothing to be done.

Yes, we must confess that we like it, being miserable is gonna be fun. By the power vested in me as the professor, I pronounce you husbands and wives.

Congratulations! Now let's show the happy couples to their new bungalows.

I'm sure they're eager to get their honeymoon started.

Do you want some?

Thank you, they're beautiful.

Oh, and delicious.

I really, really like the way that you caught the bouquet. You do?

I do.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I do.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that being stranded on a deserted island would Lead me to the man of my dreams.

The man of your dreams?

Oh yes, I've been looking for someone to have something in common. We have something in common?

Yes, you're a man and I'm a woman. I'm a man.

What a beautiful arrangement. Oh, Ginger, Wilson and I must ask you something or we're gonna burst at the seams. Well, I, I mean that we— can you excuse us for just a minute? I don't think I can do this. Well, I know that, but What if she says no? Did that ever cross your brain? I'm sick of being the one that does all the heavy lifting. You're the one with the thick leathery skin.

Fine. Come on.

Ginger, we would like to ask you if you would give us the honor of becoming our wife.

Yes! She said yes!

She said She said yes!

She said yes!

I need to tell you something. I really, really, really, really, really, really like you, and I want you. Do you want me? Do you want me too?

I really, really, really, really, really, really like you. Do you want me?

Do you want me too? Oh, did I say too much? I was all in my head. When we're out of touch.

I really, really, really, really, really, really like you.

And I want you.

And you want me.

And you want me too.

Who gave you eyes like that? Said you could keep them.

And I'm running out of time.

Going out of my mind.

I need to tell you something.

I'm pregnant!

Just kidding!

Do you want me to?

I really, really, really, really, really, really like you.

I want you.

Do you want me? You want me, too?

Yes, I do. Wilson! Wilson!

Oh, right on the face.

Oh, never again.

I'm sorry.

Come on, Wilson, ask the poo.

Now, lovey, don't tell anyone where we buried our money, especially our son. I don't want that Hollywood gold digger getting a grubby nose in there.

Now, Thurston, darling, be nice. Ginger's going going to be our daughter-in-law. They're in love.

Love?

An awful lot of that seems to be going around. Why, it's downright ridiculous. I mean, in our day, our parents wouldn't dream of letting us marry for love. We married to build our wealth and to ensure the bloodline.

That's right, dear. But these kids today are all about the love. To love!

Yes, love. It's got me thinking, Eunice. Do you love me? Do you love me?

Do I love you?

With our son soon getting married and this balmy island mound, you're upset, you horn out Go inside, go lie down. Maybe it's jungle fever.

Eunice, I'm asking you a question.

Do you love me?

Are you drunk?

I'm not.

Do I love you?

Well?

For 35 years I've had your clothes tailor-made. Pick the best chefs to cook your meals. Broken-in housekeepers never broke my vows. After 35 years, why talk about love right now?

Eunice, the first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared.

I was shy.

I was nervous.

So was I.

But my father and my mother said to merge our wealth together, and so I'm asking you Eunice, do you love me?

I'm your wife.

I know, but do you love me?

Do I love him? For 35 years I've lived with him, spent his money, ate him in half. All my beds and 5 mansions are his. If that's not love, what is?

Then you love me?

I suppose I do.

And I suppose I love you too.

Oh, but don't tell our friends when we see them again. It would be so embarrassing.

Oh yes, social suicide. It doesn't mean a thing, but even so After 35 years, it's nice to know.

Ah, Marianne, would you mind scooping up some of that goat dung for me?

Yes.

What are you making anyway?

Oh, Mrs. Howell wants a new kind of drink.

You better put all of it in. She likes it strong.

She likes a nice earthy flavor.

Is it ready, Professor?

Yes, sir.

Top me off.

Thank you.

Ginger, welcome to Thank you, Mother.

No, Marianne, I have not.

Have you guys seen Gilligan and Skipper?

No.

No, you black widow vipers, you killed them, haven't you?

Where are they?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful day.

I've got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way.

Oh, little buddy, I think this marriage thing is gonna be better than we expected.

Aye, aye, Skipper, marriage is awesome!

Well, it looks like Gilligan and Skipper are safe and sound and very, very happy with their predicament.

That's a relief. I'm so glad it everyone has found happiness here. It seems as if no one minds that we may never get off the island now. We've made a real home here, haven't we, Professor? I mean, Roy.

Yes, we may be here for quite some time, but that no longer matters because I couldn't be happier than being stuck with you.

We've had some fun. Yes, we've had our ups and downs. We went down that rocky road, but here we are still around. We thought about someone else, but neither one took the bait.

We thought about breaking up, but now we know it's much too late.

We are bound by all the red And the same phone number. All the same friends and the same address.

Yes, it's true.

Yes, it's true.

I am happy to be stuck with you.

Yes, it's true. Yes, it's true.

I'm so happy to be stuck with you. Cuz I can see, I can see that you're happy to be stuck with me.

We've had our doubts. We never took them seriously.

We had our ups and downs.

But that's the way it's supposed to be. We thought about giving up. But we could never stay away.

We thought about breaking up.

But now you know it's much too late.

And it's no great mystery, if we change our minds, eventually it's back to you and me.

Yes, it's true.

Yes, it's true.

I am happy to be stuck with you.

Yes, it's true.

Yes, it's true. I'm so happy to be stuck with you, 'cause I can see, I can see that you're happy to be stuck with me.

Yes, it's true, I am happy to be stuck with you. I'm so happy to be stuck with you. So this is the tale of the castaways. They're here for a long, long time. They'll have to make the best of things.

It's an uphill climb. The first mate and his skipper too will do their very best to stay alive.

Oh, they are chained to their wedding island beds, their wedding island beds. No phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury with Gilligan and his skipper too.

And my wife Hippolyte.

At his watch, he'll admire the movie star and how the folks took his serenade, Mary Ann, here on Gilligan's Isle.