Matilda 2021 Complete YouTube HD 1080p

Before we begin, there are some things I must make emphatically clear to you. If I see you removing your mask at any point during performance, I shall staple it to your greasy scalp so that you don't lose it again. If you have brought a phone, or worse, a child, make sure you silence them or I will do you the favor of silencing them for you. For those of you who don't have the stomach to witness my glory in its entirety, there will be a brief a minute intermission for you to catch your breath. Lastly, the aisles will be used during this performance. Now sit back and enjoy Trumpsville: The Musical. My mum says I'm a miracle.

My daddy says I'm a special little boy.

I am a princess.

I am a prince.

Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky.

My daddy says I'm a special little soldier. No one is as handsome, strong as me. It's true he indulges my tendency to bolt, but I'm his little soldier.

Jump, hop, 2, 1, 3. My mum says I'm a miracle, one look at my face and it's plain to see. Ever since the day God told me I'm a miracle, 'cause it's a pity there's no Pia for a miracle like me.

My daddy says I'm a special little soldier, no one is as bold. Oh, talk fast, me! As my daddy told ya, one day when I woke up, I can be a soldier and bite you in the face!

—Unheard of for beauty and brilliance these days. It seems like there are millions of me, one in a million these days. Specialness is no pillar. Love averages average. Trying to figure, is there some sort of miracle in the populace? That's not frequent miracle, but something that's more miraculous? My mommy says I'm a miracle. What'll it act like then? Brother, I think she's late. Have you seen this fool? What, she's not to see her? Here's the fool.

I do have to change this fool.

The teacher's clearly falling short. She's just so hilarious and insightful. Why don't you be a little brighter than that? My mommy says I'm a miracle, that I'm as tiny and as tiny as a miracle. You can beat all cynical buddies, but to get miracle is never a thing. A miracle, a miracle, that's miracle. How long is this going to take, Doctor? I've got a plane to catch at 3. I do not. In the morning. International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championship in Paris.

You're getting on a plane, Miss Wormwood.

Oh, for Zion! I know I can beat Doctor, and this time I've got a secret weapon. Rodolfo! He's got eye candy in there, very supple, and he has incredible upper body strength. I think we should have a talk. Sir? What are you— What's wrong with me? Mrs. Wormwood, do you really have no idea?

Wind? Mrs. Wormwood, I want you to think very carefully.

What do you think might be more explosive? This. Yuck. Am I? Am I? Am I fat? Mrs. Wormwood, you're pregnant! What?

You're going to have a baby! But I already got a baby!

I didn't want another one! Is there something you can do? You're 9 months pregnant. A Bionic Soul! My good lord, what about the Bionimal International Amateur Soul Sucking Ballroom Dancing Championship?

A baby, Miss Bulwark! A child! The most precious gift that the natural world can bestow upon us has been granted to you! A brand new human being! A life! A person! A wonderful new person is about to come into your life and bring love, happiness, magic, and wonder!

Mayhem!

The chest bone starts almost near the navel.

The heart is the most common thing in life. It's life.

And yes, every single life that we do love is a miracle.

A miracle. Where is he?

Where's my son? Mr. Wombat, are you smoking a cigarette? What? Oh, of course. I'm sorry, Doctor. What am I thinking? This calls for a proper smoke. Oh my word, there's another little thing. This is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen.

Oh my good Lord, where's his thingy?

His what? His thingy. His— what should we call it? His doodle? What do we know of his thingy? But this child does not have a thingy. You have no thingy! Look what you've done, you stupid woman! The boy's got no thingy! Mr. O'Barnum, this child is a girl!

A beautiful, beautiful little girl! Is this your home? Is the boy animal international?

I'm a jackdaw, sir! The audition's finished, you missed it.

I don't suppose we could exchange it for a boy, could we? Is this the last day of my life? Oh my, undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal. My skin looks just from taking the bath, no rest is on. And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal semi-Spanish gown I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight. I should be dancing the Tarantella, swing, Macella, Italiano. —Not dressed in hospital cotton, with an itchy front bottom, and this horrible, smelly little horrible heart I've ever seen.

I can't find its frightening beat. I can't stop believing that you're alive here. Gentlest is not your dance of death. Every soul that was lost is like his heart.

And yet every single separate little life is a miracle. Miracle. A miracle. My mommy says I'm a miracle. One look at my face and it's plain to see. Ever since the day I was born, the unbelievable, totally sincere, there's no fear, more a miracle like me. My mommy says I'm a miracle, that I'm as shiny and as shiny as a miracle. If your feet both stood at doorways, that's what a miracle is. That would be no miracle, a miracle, a miracleless. My mummy says I'm a jacked-up little jerk. My daddy says I'm a whore. My mummy says I'm a crusty little worm. A kid like me should be against the law. My daddy says I should learn to shut my piehole. No one likes a smart-mouthed girl like me. Mum says I'm a good case for population control. Dad says I should watch more porn. TV? Yes, sir.

But quite so. Here you are, 155. Brand new luxury car, sir. Not a good one, is it? Well, let's just put it this way, you won't play Vivid or Ice. Yes, sir. Very good one, sir. Yes, sir. So how much is charging? Hey, look, she's reading a book.

It's not the moon. Normal for a 5-year-old to be reading a book. Thinks she might be an idiot. Listen to this. It was the best times, it was the worst of times. It is the age of wisdom.

Hey, stop scaring your mother with that book, boy.

I'm a girl, and she keeps trying to tell me stories. Harry, stories! Who wants to hear stories? It's not normal for a girl to be all thinking.

You know what, I'm gonna call you Strokeback. Would you please shut up? I'm trying to pull off the biggest business deal of my life and I have to listen to this? It's your fault. You've been us in trouble and expect money to get us out of it. What am I, a flaming escapologist?

Escapologist? Escapologist, he says. What about the whole house to look after? Do you still microwave that sandwich, you know? If you're an escapologist, I'm an acrobat. The world's greatest acrobat to bed? Is that not? I'm off to bleach my roots and I shan't be talking to you for the rest of the evening, you horrid little man!

Bob, I'm gonna make us rich. Rich? How rich? Russian businessmen, very, very stupid. Your genius husband is gonna sell them 155 brand new luxury cars Actually, we're going to sell 155 knackered old bangers as brand new luxury cars.

But that's not fair! What about the Russians?

Fair? Listen, little boy. I'm a girl. Fair does not get you anywhere, you thick-headed twit brain. All I can say is, thank heavens Michael inherited his old man's brains.

Are you stunned? Michael? Well, I shall take the money from you, Anne, and I shall spend it, but I shan't enjoy it because of the despicable way in which you have spoken to me this evening.

It's your fault, with your stupid books and your stupid reading.

But that's not right, I didn't do anything.

Right? Right? I'll tell you something. In a few days you'll be going off to school And you will be getting right back! Oh no, I know you're her mistress, Agatha Trunchbull, and I told her all about you and your smarty-pants oldies. Great big strong scary monsters, used to compete in Olympics throwing— a hammer. And now you are suited to an awful squeaky little golden lock, you boy! I wanna go!

Then get out of here, little bookworm! Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of old tub. So they say that the subsequent fall was inevitable. They never stood a chance, they were written that way. Innocent victims of their story. But probably don't you yet, was written in the stars or the internet. That's love and faith, and a touch of stupidity would draw them on. Their hopes of living happily, it makes all this a little bit boring. I wonder why they didn't just change their story. What do we have to do? Love will come, that's surely. Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty. And just because you find that life's not fair, it doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. If you hold your chin and vote, nothing will change. Even if a little dude can do a lot of you, we can't let a little thing like a little school view influence the mouth of the If they get on the top of you, might as well be saying you think that is okay, and that's not right. And if it's not right, you have to put it right. Platinum blonde hair, extra strong, keep out of reach of children. Hmm. Oil of violet hair tonic prevent Yep! In the slip of a bolt, there's a tiny revolt. The start of a roar in the creak of a floorboard. The storm can begin with the flap of a wing. The mightiest might packs the mightiest thing. Every day starts with the tick of a clock. All escapes Scots that cook a lot of love. If you're stuck in your story and want to get out, you don't have to cry, you don't have to shout, because the little people do all love you. Not like a little date night, a little storm view. If you stick around and let them get on top of you, but here's the thing, just because you find that life's not fair, it's It doesn't mean that you deserve to win at bed. If you're always taking it on the chin and bread, your mind is broken, see. You think that it's okay, and that's not right. And if it's not right, you have to put it right. But nobody else is gonna put it right for me. Nobody for me is gonna change my story.

Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty. The secret to my success is this: Oil of Violence, air tonic for men. Stand back, son, your old man's doing the work. Oh yeah, that's where it's at, boy. Mmm, that stuff, bananas walk on. Now son, a man simply cannot fail to get recognized with peanut soup.

Now that's the secret.

Have you sold it already? It's not even 8:30.

Your hair! It's— it's green! My hair? It's green? What on earth did you do that for? Why did you want green hair?

I didn't do anything.

I don't want green hair. Maybe you mixed up some of the mummies' products by mistake. That's exactly what you've done, you stupid man! My hair! My lovely hair!

What am I going to do? Oh, I've got my deal today with the Russians. What am I going to do? I know, I know what you can do.

What is it? What can I do?

You pretend to be an elf. That's it, I can pretend to— What are you talking about, you fool?

The boy's a loony. I'm a girl. Mum, would you like to hear a story? Don't be disgusting. Hey, everyone! Can we go back to that Northbury form assignment? The sooner you lock up in school, the better. Oh, Matilda, what a pleasure to see you! You're in the library again, are we? Yes. You see, Mum wanted me to stay at home with her. She hates it when I go out. Dad too, they just love having me around so much. But I think it's good for birds to have their own space. Matilda, your parents must be so proud to have a girl as clever as you. You tell them lots of stories like you do with me. I love your stories, Miss Hilda. Oh, and it's not a hint really, but if you did happen to have time— Miss Stubbs, see you next week. Yes, goodbye, Miss Honey, and good luck with the tall story. As I was saying, Miss Hilda, I'm not hinting, but if you happen— Miss Stubbs, who was that lady? That lady? That was She's going to be your teacher. She's going to be my ex. Her teacher? Now, are you going to tell me a story or aren't you? Once upon a time, once upon a time, two afraid of sadness promised to ever live, um, in a small chest that could escape from anyone. Ever invented, and an acrobat who was so skilled that she could actually fly. Fair enough, a lot better. They pulled some of the greatest feats together the world had ever seen, and people would come from miles around— kings, queens, celebrities, astronauts— but not just to see their feats, but to see the love that they had for each other, which was so deep and so pure that it's said that cats would purr as they passed by and dogs would weep in joy. They moved into a beautiful old house on the edge of town, and each evening they would walk to take the air. And each night, the children of the town would wait in anticipation, hoping to glimpse the shining white scarf that Agathe always wore. But then they would hear only her cries, "Triss! Triss!" And the two great performers would put on a spectacular show just for them. But although they loved each other, although they were famous and everyone loved them, they were sad. We have everything. We have everything that the world has to offer us in life. We have everything. But the one thing the world that we call Earth. We do not have the time. Patience, my love, husband, and wife. Time is on our side. Even time loves us. But time is the one thing that, you know well, is not enough. And as time passes, They grew quite old and they still had no child. And each night they would listen to the silence of the big empty house and they could imagine how beautiful it would be if it was filled with the sounds of a child playing. But tell them this is very sad. No, it is not. Don't you dare. Their sadness overwhelmed them and drew them even more dangerous feats, as their work was the only place they could escape the inescapable tragedy of their lives. And so it was decided they would perform the most dangerous dangerous beast ever known to man. It is called, announced the anthropologist to the world's press, who waited with bated breath. The burning ballet, caravanning through the air with dynamite in her hair, over songs and special guests, huff like a mad bull, she came down in the most dangerous beast It is our destiny, said the wife, smiling sadly, slipping her hand into his. It is where the loneliness of life has led us. Well, what happened? I don't know. What? Not yet, anyway. Isn't there more? I mean, isn't there just a little bit more? I suppose your mother will be waiting. Is she here? I would love to meet— Oh my goodness! That's awesome! Yes, after your first day of school! My mommy says I'm a miracle. My daddy says I'm his special little girl. I am a princess. I am a princess. Mom says I'm an angel. Moses, I'm in need of—

Moses, I'm in need of— saving your people!

By being a prince or a princess, you will soon see there's no escaping tragedy. And even if you both came in subpar birth, you're just wasting energy, 'cause your life as you know it is ancient history. I have suffered in this jail. I've been trapped inside this cage for ages. This thing now, since as far as I can remember, practically all my life had ended. Before my happy days were over, before I mustered the feeling of the bell. I could grow curious, so listen, I ask a thousand questions, but unless you want to suffer, listen up and I will teach you. I'll leave it to you. You do this again, my dear, you'll be punished severely. Step out of line, you will cry for your dumb mistake by yourself. And remember to be extremely careful. Why? Why? Why? Why? Do you know what he's saying? Does he wait for me to say? What's PE? Physical education.

It's the Trunchbulls' speciality.

My mum says I'm a miracle.

My daddy said I would be the teacher's pet.

Should I really run for the corner of my room? That's an emergency, out of the bed! Out of the bed?

I've not learned to listen, kids. A.

To survive this mess, I'd be a prince or princess. to see there's no escaping tragedy. Hey, if you want to keep together, lose wasting energy, 'cause your life as you know it is ancient history. I am suffering this day, I was trapped inside this maze of ages, listening out for my daughter, can't remember when before my life had ended. Oh, my happy days were over before Gus had the feeling of the bell. Like you're all curious, so it is time for a thousand questions, but unless you want to suffer listening to what I would teach you, I'll leave it to you to listen here. My hearing requires concentration. Step out of line if you cry, if you jump, if you skate out of control, and remember to be extremely careful Why?

Why? Why? Why?

Didn't you hear what we said? Just you wait for me to tell you. Good morning, children. My name is Miss Honey, and today is a very special day— your first day at school. Now, do any of you know any of your two time tables? Wonderful! Matilda isn't Please stand and do as much as you can. All right. 1 times 2 is 2. 2 times 2 is 4. 3 times 2 is 6. 4 times 2 is 8. 5 times 2 is 10. 6 times 2 is 12. 7 times 2 is 14. 8 times 2 is 16. 9 times 2 is 18. 10 times 2 is 20. 11 times 2 is 22. 12 times 2 is 24. 13 times 2 is 26. 14 times 2 is 28. 15 times 2 is 30. 16 times 2 is 32. Stop! Stop! Good heavens! How far can you go? I'm not sure. Quite a long way, I think. Do you think you could tell me what 2 times 28 is? 56. But— well, yes. Now how about this? This is much harder, so don't worry if you don't get it, but 2 times 487. If you took your time, do you think you could— 974. 12 sevens? 84. Let's leave maths for the time being and look at reading. Now, can anyone read this? Ooh, I can read even this! Very well, Nigel. Yes, Nigel, we'd better leave it there. We'd hate for you to burst a blood vessel on your first day. Lavender? Is the first word tomato? No, but tomorrow is a very good day. Yes, Matilda. I can now read words. So, Matilda, you can read words? Oh yes, I have to have words in order to read sentences, because sentences are just a big grouping of words, and if you can't read sentences, you have no help with books. And have you read a whole book yourself, Matilda? Oh yes, many of them. I love books. I read quite a few last week, actually. A few? In a week? Why, that is good. What books have you read? Oh, Nicholas Nickleby, Oliver Twist, Jane Eyre, Tessie Jubervilles, Lord of the Rings, Kim is the Woman, Secret Garden, Crime and Punishment, and— Anne of Steadham! Knock on the door, Jim. Just knock on the door. Don't be pathetic. Knock on the door, Jim. There's nothing to fear. Don't be pathetic. It's just a door you've seen before. Just knock. On the door. Look at you trying to hide, standing outside the house of Ormis like a little girl. Just confessing. Look at you hesitating and shaking. You should be embarrassed. You won't tell it all. It's just Just a basic knock on the door, dear. What are you waiting for? Just knock on the door. Perhaps the witch is probably having a meeting or something and won't want to be interrupted, but anything cautionary in these situations is sensible. One should avoid confrontation or else will have a bad day today. Enter! Well, don't just stand there like a wiff tissue. Get on with it. Yes, in my class, there was a little girl called Matilda Pomfrey. Enough of it! Yes, lots with Mr. Harry. Owner of Wyrmwood Nurseries. An excellent man. Told me to watch out for the Bratsoe. Says she's a real wart. Don't you know, Headmistress? I don't think the child is that kind of child at all. Miss Honey, what is the school motto? "Bambinotum est maggitum." "Bambinotum est maggitum." Children are maggots. Is that— it must have been her who put that silly form on the mantelpiece. Desk this morning. I'm happy for that. Thank you for suggesting it. But I didn't! Miss Trunchbull, that little blonde one is a genius. Nonsense! Haven't I just told you she's a dead skull? But she knows her times tables! So is Madame Beatrix. But she can— Sir Penelope! I have to tell you, Headmistress, that in my opinion, this little girl should be placed in the top form with the other 11-year-olds. But she is a squid, a shrimp, an unhatched tadpole. We cannot simply place her with the 11-year-olds. What kind of society would that be? What about the rules, honey? The rules? I believe that a child of Wormwood is an exception to the rules. An exception to the rules? In my school. Look at that trophy suite, how my trophies gleam. In the sunlight, see how they shine. What do you think? It's tough to become English Grammar Valley champion. 1969. Do you think in that night when my big mom is gay that I prepared the rules? If you want to play for your country, you have to spin inside circle all the time. And if you want to make the team, you don't need happiness or self-esteem, you just need to keep your feet Inside the line. Sing to it! To the brief form! Sing and chain! 2, 3, 4! You kids out! He fell asleep, so we put him under the jumpers for safety. He'll probably think he's in bed when he wakes up. Is it time for school yet, Mum? Hello? What am I doing here? This isn't my bedroom at all. Oh, hello, Miss. I'm going to talk to you about having pig tits. I hate pig tits. But my mommy likes them. She says they make me look pretty. Then your mother is a twit. You! What is your name? Matilda. Matilda Wormwood. Ah, so you're a Wormwood, are you? I might have known. Well, welcome. You have just made a very big mistake. Just so you all know, she's my best friend. Stop. Yes, sir.

Completely different car, sir. Green air. Yeah, it was National Green Air Day, you know, a celebration of all the wonderful green things in the world, like lettuce. Start tomorrow. 1. Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir. Bye-bye, sir. Now that is how you use this Now that is how you—

What the hell?

You know what, I'm going to leave this on. It looks like rain.

You in there? Yes, uh, hello, I'm Miss Honey, Matilda's teacher. They're busy right now. It will only take a moment. Well, come in if you must. This is Rudolfo. It's nothing like that. He's my dance partner. We're rehearsing. Ciao. Ciao, Rudolfo. Hello, Italiano. Bene. Come stai? What? Who is this babe? You know I'm going to work for the Duke of Miami. No. What do you want, Miss Chutney? It's Miss Honey. Uh, well, as you know, Matilda is in the bottom class, and children in the bottom class aren't really expected to read, so I— Well, stop her reading!

Lord knows we tried.

Oh, I'm in the zone, girl.

I can feel it in my hips.

Look, I don't think men go for more spotty pants, Miss Hussy. Girls should care about makeup and hair dye. Looks are more important than books. Now look at you and look at me. You choose books and I choose looks. I beg your pardon?

Babes, I'm on fire! Woo-hoo!

But the teller can calculate complicated things in her head in an instant. Calculate this. But the mind is immortal. With a little help from us, she can— Mind? Her mind? Don't let anything do it! You often make yourself mad. Cut it out! You seem to think that people like people that are clever. It's very quaint, it's very sweet, but wrong. People don't like snotty pants that hang around claiming that they know stuff we don't. Now hint it. What should matter the less than the body from which what you don't know is expressed? Content has never been less important, so you have got to be less of a coward. A little less, a lot more zing. A little less, a lot more swing. A little less, dress like a man. A little more, what a burn. I look nice, you don't. You never finish a movement the way your mother.

You don't get a nod if you bail on the rumba.

Everybody loves a A 10. Stop being pathetic, Jane. Just get on your feet, Jane. You are going to march in there and give them a piece of their mind. Leave it alone, Jane. The more that you try, the more you'll just look like a fool. This is not your problem. You're not a spy. You were a teacher. Just go back to school. By this little girl, this miracle, she seems not to know that she's special at all. And what sort of teacher would I be If I let this little girl fall through the cracks, I can see this little girl needs somebody strong to fight by herself. And so the great day arrived. Isn't that it? The whole world had arrived to see the Burning Woman hurling through the air with dynamite in her hair on the sharp and spicy objects tossed by the man locked in the cage. Evelyn was raised by an acrobatic sister, a frightening woman who used to be an Olympic-class hammer thrower, and she loves nothing more than home and to frighten the children of the town. People whispered that in her cold, brooding heart, she resented her sister for both her success and her love. Suddenly, out came the executioner, dressed in his usual tights and spangly outfit. But there was no sign of the acrobat and no glint of a shiny white scarf. And instead of the musical fanfare, there was absolute silence as he solemnly strode into the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the very woman, the very brunette with dyes in her hair, Mrs. Phillips, are you crying? Maybe I shouldn't tell you anymore. Tell her. We must find out how it is. But I'm not crying because it's Sad. Oh, well, they want that child very much. And it must be wonderful for a child to be so wanted. Yes, wonderful. Goodbye, Mrs. Namps. Few could have heard a fly, but suddenly the crowd leapt to their feet and roared in appreciation. The bee was instantly forgotten, and the buzzard told the bee, "Now what?" So we found the happy ending then. Forgotten by all, that is, except the acrobat sister. When all had quieted down, she stepped forward and introduced a contract. A contract? A contract with a fly! Perform this feat, and perform this feat you shall! I paid for the posters, the publicity, the catering, the toilet facilities. If I give the ground back, then money where? Where is my profit? A contract is a contract is a contract. My hands are tied. The burning woman hurtling through the air with sunlight in her hair on the shuttering flickering objects, caught by the man locked in a cage, will he perform this day? I'll be bringing you a cup of coffee. Help! What happened? I don't know. I'll tell you tomorrow. Tomorrow? I don't know that my nurse will let me sleep until tomorrow. Mrs. Phelps, are you crying? Maybe I shouldn't tell you anymore. No, tell me. We must find out everything. But I'm not crying because it's sad. It's just— oh, but they want that child so very much. And it must be wonderful for a child to be so wanted. Yes, wonderful. Goodbye, Mrs. Phelps. Matilda, could I speak to you please? I'm afraid I've not been very successful in getting others to see your abilities. So starting tomorrow, I shall bring in a new selection of very clever books that will challenge your mind. You can sit and read while I teach the others, and if you have any questions, well, I shall do my best to answer them. How does that sound? Why, Matilda, this is the biggest hug in the world! You're going to hug all the air out of me. What? Yes, Miss Truffle! See, admit it, do you admit what, Miss Truffle? There's a clock this This foul cardwulfer is none other than a disgusting criminal, a denizen of the underworld, a member of the mafia. This morning, you sneaked like a serpent into the kitchen and stole a slice of my prized chocolate cake from my tea tray. No, I didn't! This transport Matilda's been here all morning. Standing up against a spitball, I bet. This crown does not belong to her. Therefore, she is guilty! All right, I stole the Trunchbull's cake, and I was definitely thinking about owning up to it. Maybe. You see, I was having a lot of trouble with my belly, and the Trunchbull's cake was so good that I scoffed it down too quick, and it was beginning to fight back. See? I'm not guilty! I'm not! You're not guilty? You are! Because you are a drunk, you are a thief, you are a fiend, and I shall crush you! I shall pound you! I shall throw sand into the 7th set of the hamsters! You shall be this. It was the biggest burn I had ever done. It was the biggest burn I had ever Who's the biggest burp I ever heard about?

And very quickly my delicious chocolatey gas burp went across the classroom.

Past Alice. Past Lavender. Past Concealed Dove.

And very quickly my chocolatey gas burp, which now seems to have a mind of its own, wafted into the face of—

the Trunchbull. Yes, Miss? Do you like my cake, little Rose? Yes, Miss Crunchy, and I'm very sorry about— Shh! As long as you like the cake, that's the main thing. Is it? Yes. Oh, trotter! It is? Well, I did cook it! That makes me so happy. It gives me a warm glow in my lower chest cavity. Oh, cook! What's the matter, boss grogget? Boss grogget's out. Well, yes, I'm full. No, you're not full. I'll tell you when you're full, and that's when that criminal's like you are full of alleviating the entire cake. But— No buts. There's no time for buts. Eat. Headmistress, he'll be sick. Well, he should have thought of that before he decided to make a pact with Satan and steal my cake. Eat! He can't! He surely can't! Eat! He might explode! Eat! A single slice? Or eat two, Bruce? Might be nice. But even you, Bruce, have to admit, between you and me, there's also lots of information to hide. He has, he does, he can, he can, he can, he can! What a man, Bruce! He might explode, he's quite elastic, he's fantastic, look at him go! to call a truce. Bruce, with every flaw, but it was hard to make the news. We never thought it was possible, but here it is coming true. We can have our cake and eat it too. Bruce, Bruce, the time has come, so let that tummy come to use. Bruce, Bruce, and now excuse Bruce. Let out your belts and take your arms to tap Stop pitching! You're almost finished! You'll make a hit! Whatever you do, just don't give in! The Mets will win! Come on, Bruce, be our hero! Cover yourself in chocolate glory! Too much! It's just too much! Come on, Bruce, do it! Silence! It's almost like the Duke completely took the goose. We never thought it was possible, but here it is coming true. We can have our cake and eat it. That's all right, Jimmy. Where have you come from? What? Where? Oh, I forgot to tell you. That's only the first part of your punishment. There's more. The second part. And the second part is choking. What? Oh yes, you can! But you thought I would let myself be defeated by these children? Who do you think I am? A weakling? An idiot? A fool? A bitch? You! You!

Call for an apology for some of the things going on there tonight, all right? They are not nice things and they are not right things, and I'd like to say, get into it with me, but we don't want any any children, please, in my way tonight, to go home and try these things out for themselves, alright? I am of course talking about reading books. It is normal for kids to behave in this fashion. It wears out the brain, stunts the eyes, makes kids ugly, stinking, fatty, thick, and pouring gashes, and crucially, it gives them verrucas. Of the mind. Under no circumstances do we condone such activities and do so utterly without reasonable cause. Now, that being said, how many of you here have actually read a book? Oh, oh, oh, raise your hand, raise your hand. You see, I'll see you, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your name? Anne. Anne? The other multiple speech? Anne? Sure. Yeah, all right, Anne, you say that you, you've read books, right? I've read so many books. Books are my favorite. Oh, I don't know if I should be talking to you. All right, you read so many books. What's your favorite book, Anne?

Um, Trials of Apollo, the whole series. That's Say it again. The Trials of Apollo, the whole series.

The Trials of Apollo, the whole series? Have you read that, son? Good boy. Now, I don't know if you've got Paulie or anything, but bookworm, bookworm, stupid little bookworm, reading all her books like a stinky little bookworm. Do you read books like a worm? Worms are stupid. You're a— a worm. There, now Anne will learn from that. It won't stop her from reading, but she'll never raise her hand in a theatre again. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you now the pinnacle of our achievements as a human species. The very reason we bothered evolving out of unicorns. Uniforms in the first place? Somewhere on a show I heard that a picture tells a thousand words, so Kelly, if you want to take a look, is the equivalent of a lot of books. All I know I learned from train videos. Beautiful box of facts. If you know a thing already, buddy, you can switch the channel over just like that. Endless joy and endless laughter, folks living happily ever after. All you need to make you wise is 23 minutes plus some advertising. Why should we waste our energy turning the page 1, 2, 3 when you can sit happily on your lovely bum, buddy, watching people talking and singing and doing stuff. More than I know, I learned from Charlie. What bigger than Charlie? What smarter of a man? You can tell from my big tail, the world's around.

Look at the waistline. Chop off.

Oh yeah, we've got a map of the stupid world. Oh, I know, I learned from Ted what to think and what to buy. Now I'm in preschool forever. Very, very small. Endless content, endless channels, endless chat on endless panels. All you need to fill your pockets. The bank doesn't really feet or not feet. Why should we waste our energy throwing it back at you to see when you can sit happily on your lovely balcony? Once you start to babble, people talk in a really bad language. Oh no, I learned from challenge.

The bigger the challenge, the smarter the man.

You can hear from my big head just how clever of a fitter I am. Now, no one will be mad at who's taking these chores. Take it back Thank you for coming tonight. Thank you.

Hello. I'm Natalie, by the way, Matilda's best friend. There's a bit coming up that's all about me. Well, not exactly about me, but I play a big part in it. But I don't want to tell you what happens because I don't want to spoil it. All right, look, what I do is I volunteer to get the trench ball at Jug of Water, and then— no, I don't want to say any more. I don't want to ruin it. Well, on the way back I find Sleet and I named him Mucky Sprangle. Anyways, I knew it was just like a really ugly lizard that lives in water, so I pick him up and— no, I will not say anymore. I'm going to put the knitting in the trash once done. It's going to be brilliant.

When I grow up, I will be tall enough to reach the branches that I need to reach to climb the trees you get to climb when you're grown up. When I grow up, I will be smart enough to answer all the questions that you need to know. The answers live before your grown-up heart.

And when I grow up, I will eat sweets every day. On the way to work, and I will go to bed late every night. And I wake up when the sun comes up, and I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square. And I love pancakes. I'll be all grown up when I grow up. When I grow up, when I grow up, I'll be strong enough to carry all the heavy things you have to haul around with you when you're a grown-up. And when I grow up, when I grow up, when I grow up, I'll be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown-up. And when I grow all grown up, I will have sweets every day, and I'll play with these sad monks, pretend that monks have become fun, and I will wake up When the sun comes up and I feel spent all day just lying in the sun, and I want friends, 'cause I'll be old enough when I go home. to be the new normal. When I grow up, I'd like some ferrets. Doesn't mean I have to bring out ferrets. If you only take it on the chin and feathers, nothing will change. When I grow up, just because I want myself in this story, it doesn't mean that everything needs to fit your mold. If I think the ending is fixed already, I might as well be saying I think that it's okay, and that's not right. Matilda! Oh, how lovely to see you. Are you enjoying the Oh yes, well, bits of it anyway. Mrs. Phelps, where's the revenge section? We don't have a revenge section. Why? Is there a child at school behaving a bit like a bully? Uh, no, not a child exactly. Okay, fine, just one. Do you want to hear the next part of my story? Sorry, just a moment. Miss Matilda, what are we waiting for? Slowly, very slowly, the acrobat's wife has shone a bright star around her husband's neck. "Pull up, my love," she said, kissing him with the gentlest of kisses. Smile, we have done this a thousand times. Suddenly, she held him with the tightest bond, so tight that he volunteered her all the arrows he had. And so, they prepared themselves for the most dangerous feat to ever be performed. The Grimdest Baldist would have to escape from the cage, leap out, catch his wife with one hand, grab all the arrows into the other, and dash in place on a specially designed truss, all in 12 seconds. The whole place reeks of dynamite, even in here, and blows my stick apart! Sorry, go on. The trick started the moment the specially designed dress was set alight. The acrobat swung into the air. The crowd held their breath as she held over the sharp and spiky objects. 1 second, 2 2 seconds. The flames crept up her dress. 3 seconds. 4 seconds. Shriek from the cage. 5 seconds. 6 seconds. The door swung open and the padlocks pinged open. The joint chain fell away. 7 seconds. 8 seconds. The other carcass reached up one huge muscled arm to catch his wife and the child. 9 seconds! 10 seconds! Oh my God, move! 11 seconds! And— and— and he grabbed her! And suddenly, the flames would die before they could both be blown to pieces! So the story does have a happy ending after all. No. No. No. Maybe it was closer than child Maybe it was nerves, but yes, Father, she used just a touch too much foam and her hands were slipping, and she fell. Was she alright? Did she survive? She broke every bone in her body except the ones at the ends of her fingers. She didn't actually live long enough to have their child, but the effort was too great to leave. Love our little girl, she said. Love our daughter with all your heart. She's all we ever wanted. Love our girl with everything. She is everything. And then she died. And then— then things got worse. What? How could things possibly get any worse? I'm afraid they did. You see, the escort just was so kind that they never for one second blamed the acrobats for what happened. Did they? He invited him to stay at his house with him and have a look after his daughter. She was nothing but cruel to the little girl, making her iron and wash and cook and clean and beating her if she did a thing wrong. It was always in secret so that the Esmeraldas would never suspect a thing. And so the poor little girl grew up with the cruelest, horriblest, most meanest aunt you could ever imagine. That's all the bullying Mrs. Phelps, it's just a stool. What? Oh yes, Matilda, you are so smart. Your parents must think they have won the lottery with a child like you. Oh yes, they were saying that in fact, they were saying, oh, did you know you had a winning Yes. Goodbye, Mr. Mouse.

To show him my triumph. Knock you, boy! 155 black knackered old bangers, all polished up, but the mileage telling the truth that each one was knackered. How could I possibly make the mileage go back? I figured everyone would drive each car backwards. Backwards! With Suddenly I had the most genius idea in the world. I ran to the workshop, grabbed a drill, and used my incredible mind. I attached the drill to the motor of the first car, turned it on, and whacked it into reverse.

Backwards! Yes, boy, backwards.

Now, a drill's motor whirls backwards thousands of times a second, and within a few minutes I reduced the mileage to practically nothing. I did it to every single —backwards!

No, stop talking, darling! There's a good boy!

10 minutes later, the Russians show up. Great big nasty face peeps, expensive suits, dark glasses, don't know who they thought they were.

Russians are nocturnal! I saw it on the programme last night. That was badges. The programme was about badges! Same thing! Did it work? Oh no, I can't afford her dolphin all day long! But you cheated! What was I supposed to do? Cheat in that? What is wrong with you? What did we ever do to deserve a child? Like you!

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go walking down that laundry until that old bag can never be laid again! Yeah, yeah, and if she does, I'll have her fired! I'll put an end to your stories, young man!

Now get in there and stay in there, you nasty little creep! At night, yes. Cold. The oldest daughter cried herself to sleep, alone in her room. She never said a word about the evil aunt's warning, as she didn't want to cause fuss. The woman led the woman to her own quarters and took one dish to snack. "You are a useless, filthy, nasty little creep!" She beat her and threw her into a cage. Duster's health. Locked the door. He went out. But that's it. His blood is halfway turned from pale. When he heard the sounds of this monster's tears, he smashed the door open. Nothing can touch you. Nothing can touch your beauty. I'm here. Have I been so wrapped up in grief for my wife that I have forgotten the one thing that matters to us most? I love you so much, my daughter. I should spend the rest of my life Making it up to you. We shall be together forever. Don't cry, Daddy. I'm not crying, Daddy. Please don't cry. Let me ride with But when he thought he fell asleep, his support just lost tense apparatuses, and an almighty rage grew inside his great heart. This demon is stealing his bloodstock. He is slowly evaporating our water. She has betrayed the trust of her own sister.

She has shown cruelty to the most precious reality of my marriage.

Bullying children again, is it? Then let us see what this creature thinks she can do when the wrath of the grown man strikes before her! But that was the last little episode of Papa, because he never came home ever again. It's a lie you're telling the girls that books are what it takes. They're former children. No, they're not. Not for my lot. There is an age for reading, and there is an age for being a filthy little toad. These are toads. Run! Isn't that right, Doltona? Yes, Miss Trunchbull. Very well, now a good tug. Sit. It has come to my attention, Hannah, that you know nothing about teaching. You believe in kindness and fluffiness and books and stories. That is not teaching. To teach the child, we must first break the child. Quiet, you maggots! Yes, but no one was speaking, Miss Twintoff. Please understand that when I said quiet remains, you are entirely included in that statement. Look at you. Flabby. Disgusting. Revolting. Revolting, I say. I think it's time I covered you all up with a bit of this here. Let's get it. This school of ladies started reading— Quiet, Meg! It's while I'm speaking! Reading the most disturbing sentence. All right, now smile. Smile. Smell it, but I know it never too bad. It is the odor of rebellion. It's the booty of descent. And you may build your bridges this and this with the fan, this foul odor rests, most wholly olfactorily insulting. And so the stuff the scent is spread, a fine session of This is a soft break from the revolting. Of aging and of headache. A bit of his head will tell us who has a head full of prepare sauce. Ho ho! Just like a rotten egg floats to the top of a bucket of water. The smell of the belly. The stench of the face. The rind of cans aboard the Mayflower. Take your pick, but this is for you. All right, children, let's step it up. Double time! 3. Imagine— come on, try it— the peace and the quiet of a village street. Now imagine a woods, the cottage, and inside that cottage we find a dwarf called Zig, a carnival freak.

Who can throw paper hats with his mind.

And he says, don't let them steer you all astray. Don't let them throw it away. No! If you find your answers, they'll be waiting for you, singing. And that is like I said, the only thing that gives her a head. Even the squittiest, pittiest mess can rob a seat of stickiness. Have you ever seen anything more pathetic? Have you ever smelled anything more flat? Smells fantastic! Away! Throw this mud at the water! I'll get in this trench pool! Stupid girl! Look, it's the nymph! Do you see it? This is the nymph! Now look, I'm going to put the nymph in the trench pool's jaw. Quiet! I don't think this is teaching at all. I think it's just cruelty. That's because you, Miss Hutton, are pathetic. You're wet. You're weak. You are nothing more than a slimy, slimy What is it? What's this supposed to be?

This name?

You're not fit to be in this school. You ought to be in prison. In the deepest, darkest, the dankest of prison, as I have you strapped to a trolley and wheeled out to the school with a motherfucking line that pulses with a cockroach. Zoom. Have you ever wondered? Well, I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there's no way of knowing if red means the same in in my head as red means in your head when someone says red. How if we are traveling at all those speeds of light and we are holding a light, that light whips the travel away from us at the full speeds of light, which is right there away. What I'm trying to say, I'm not sure, I'm smothering it inside my head. It's quite a bit different from some of my friends. The answers that come into my mind are bits, The stories that the gods have made will be written with everyone's shouts. They seem to like shouting. The noise in my head is incredibly loud, and I just wish they'd stop. My dad and my mum, the stories they tell me will stop just once. I'm sorry, they're not quite explaining it quite. The story puts anger at the end of its line. That's burning inside me. Usually they burn it away. The heat and the shouting, my heart is pounding, my eyes are burning, and suddenly everything, everything ends. A touch, a leap, a sight. Just that guy's kind of quiet. I like the sound of the way his feet touch in a book. Or of a possum walking in the woods. Quiet. Like silence, but not really silent. Just that nice sort of quiet. I think I've stepped into another zone. Someone get a paper towel, please. It's getting sad. It's getting sad. Is it you?

It's something bad in the nickels!

Someone come get me out! I've got a nuke in my nickels! I've got a nuke in my nickels! I've got a nuke in my nickels! Well, that was interesting. I think we'd all better go home. While we're still packed. Yes, yes, yes. Matilda? What? Matilda, I think it would be wise to go home. What? Please? Albus, genius, I'm afraid your friends won't be trusted. I loved it. Did I ask? Am I strange? How do you fancy a nice cup of tea? What do you think this is? This thing with my eyes? I cannot accept that I know of it, but I don't think it's something to be frightened of. I think it has something to do with that incredible mind of yours. Me? There's too many brains fit inside my head, so this could be the other of my minds? Not exactly, but— Yes, something like that. You really are a special one, Miss Elizabeth. I met your mother. She's unusual. What about your father? Is he proud to have a daughter as clever as you? Oh, yes, he's very proud. He's very, very, very proud. He's always saying, "Oh, my child's that so crack—" That's not true, Miss Sanditon. He doesn't say that. He calls me a liar and a cheat and a nasty woman too. I see. Well, here we are. Home sweet home. Aunt Cora! Yes! Yes, I am. Very. Don't they pay teachers that much? No, they don't. But I'm even poorer than most because of— well, because of other reasons. You see, I used to live with my aunt, but one day I was out walking and I came across this old shed and I fell completely in love with it. I begged my mom to let me move in and— Well, he thought I was mad, but he agreed, and I've lived here ever since. But Miss Honey, you can't live in a shed! I'm not sure my key fits in there. You see, my father died when I was very young. Magnus was his name. And I would cry. But when he was gone, my aunt became my legal guardian. She was mean and cruel like you can hardly imagine. And so, when I got with her as a teacher, well, she presented me with a bill for looking after me all those years. She had written everything down, every tea bag, every electricity bill, every tin of beans. And she made me sign a contract to pay her back every penny. She even produced a document that said that Michael Robert had given her his entire house. Did he really do that? Madness! I mean, did he really just give her his house? I do not know. I find it hard to believe. Just like I cannot believe that he would— that he would have killed himself, is what she said. Miss Hanley, you think she did it, don't you? I cannot say. But I do know that after years of being bullied by that woman, It made me pathetic. I was trapped. And that's why you live here? This roof keeps me dry when the rain falls. This door helps to keep the cold at bay. From this spot I stand on my own too. On this chair I can write my lessons. By this pillow I can dream my nights away. And this table, as you can see, it's perfect for 10. It isn't much, What is enough for me? Isn't much. What is enough? But Miss Honey, she's got your father's house. She's got everything that's yours. On these walls are hanging wonderful pictures. Through this window I can watch the seasons change. By the slam by— Where I would— This is enough for me. This is more than enough. This is more than enough. It isn't much, but it is enough. Miss Honeychurch, is this your father's stuff? Yes, it was my mother's stuff when she died. You see, she was a bit of a bat. Well, yes, and so was my father. And Mr. Porges! Matilda, how do you know that? So they were your parents? Are they the people in my story? What story? I've been telling a story and I thought I was making it up, but it's your life, Miss Honey. I've seen your life. You've seen my life? She didn't live. We have to go to the police. Matilda, no, we can't. We have no evidence. But you could tell them. Tell them she did it. That would have gotten Matilda— I mean, I would have been disposed of. I don't believe this. She was paid for as a murderer. But why? Because she was so cruel. She shouted at you. She locked you in a game dungeon. She fell asleep. But she was drunk. Please, this time you've got to answer, murderer. Who is she? A contract is a contract is a contract. In this world, children, there are two classes, you see: the winners and the losers. And a winner I'll play by the rules and I'll win. And if I play by the rules and I do not win, then something is wrong. Something is not working. And when something is wrong, you have to put it right, even if it's script. What are you looking at? Today we're going to have a very special spelling test, and every child that will get one single word wrong shall get a token. Yes, that's you. You stand up. Spell— spell newt. Newt. W-T. News. What? Miss Honey's class. She's very good at teaching. Nonsense! Miss Honey is good at playing and teaching. Any idiot can see that. You, stand up, turn around, and spell the one thing you all are. R-E-V-O-L-T-A-N-G. Revolting. You're cheating! Of course she's not cheating. She's simply spelling the word. These spats of dust can't be clever. They are worms. I have to help them. That's all. With kindness and patience and respect. How dare you! You can't bring those verses to my class, you mother. You know nothing of teaching, and I shall prove it. You, Stroppers Fifth, stand up. Spell it. Let me see. Spell Antonia Camellia Septicostis. What? But that's not a bit of words you just made. It's not spelled. And I hope you can get it. It has silent letters. A-N-C-H-E-L-L-A. Oh yeah. Okay, we've gotten it wrong. I'm so sorry, it was the The Seven said, "You're going to choking!" Cat!

C-A-F, cat. I got to promise, you have to put me in choking too.

What? Dog! D? Y, P, dog, and B. What are you doing? X, A, B, F, Y. Who made him? You! Stop this! You can't put a spell on Steppy! Banana! X, P, Y, B, F. Stop this magic! A, M, S, O, N. Too bad! to the Russian mafia. I didn't know there was a blaming Russian mafia, did I? Come on, boy. Believe me, can we never find that's Matilda. Stay here, please. I beg your pardon, Mr. Wood. I would like to take Matilda. If she would like to stay with me, that is. I will look after her with love and care. And I pay for everything. Would you like Max?

Matilda? What am I going to do?

I don't know. Oh no, no, no. Didn't you think I'd have thought of that? I've been busy. Yah! A whole array of tokens. One for each and every one of you. And now we've had a suspense because I can tell you that each and every one of you has failed. Yes, children, in this world there are two types of human beings: the winners and the losers. And I am and always will be on the— The door! Look at the door! It's moving! It's rising! I'm— I'm a thug! What is this? Agatha, this is madness. Huh? No, stop this now! Give my Jenny back her house. You are a great, insufferable woman. Let her leave. No, no. Or I will— Russian. Matilda. Who taught you to speak Russian? Attic. I received just yes. And I thought it would be better to read it in language with written. Are you ser. It is truly an honor to meet you, my friend. The truth in your sound. Never again might be bullied and never again might doubt it when my own sense of miracles. Never again, never again will we live behind bars. Never again, never again will we only have revolted children living in revolted parts. We see revolted souls using revolted rights to free revolted children to our revolted sun. And don't have to touch revolted hair, but all We are walking children living in a rolling cart. We sing, we roll, we talk, using walking words. We'll be walking children till our walking's done, and we'll have a joyful walking funeral. Walking! Make our short walking feet as we get out the door. Never again will we be ignored. We'll find out when it's And drawing pictures on the wall. Miracle things! We are Dolphin Club, and we are Dolphin Club. We are Dolphin Club. We are Dolphin Club. We are Dolphin Club. And it's too healthy for you. We are Dolphin. A few days later, the acrobat and the escapist's daughter received a letter from a solicitor. It said that her parents' will had mysteriously turned up and that she was now the owner of the beautiful old house. Which had up until that moment been owned by the evil aunt, Mother Agatha Frangio. She moved in immediately, and she was very happy, happier than she had ever been in her entire lifetime. And as for Miss Crunchball, well, she was never seen again. All the chompies were immediately destroyed, and, and the headmistress took over, and her name was Miss Honeywood, and it was often said that it was the best all the land. And you know something else? Matilda could never again move things with her mind. I thought it was because her mind was being challenged, but she said that it was because she no longer had a need for those superpowers. Sometimes I would look at this little girl who had done so much to help others, but who was stuck with parents who were mean and cruel and called her names, I would feel my blood boil, and I would just wish I could do something. So this is the end, and I wish so much that I could tell you that this story has a happy ending, and I wish so much that I could tell you that Matilda got the love that she deserved. Perhaps the truth is that not All the stories have come to an end. Don't stand in the open, we're going to spy. Spying? But, but why? Because this idiot, this nit, this twig brain thought it would be a good idea to send 155 obeyers to the Russian mafia!

I didn't know they were the bloody Russian mafia, did I? Come on, boy, we're leaving. We're never coming back.

Please don't leave me!

Let Matilda stay here with me! I beg your pardon?

Mr. Woodworth, I would like to take Matilda if she would like to stay with me, that is. I will look after her with love and care, and I'll pay for everything. Would you like that, Matilda? You mean leave our daughter here with you?

Daddy, did you just call me— They'll be here any minute.

Daddy, you called me a daughter? Hey, hey! Look what I found in the box. What have they done with my Meg, my beautiful Meg?

Ah, you must be Sir Bumble's daughter. Yes! You look very shocked, are you?

He's— I don't know.

Sir Bumble is a very stupid man, and being stupid, he assumed that I was stupid too. And that is a very stupid and rude thing to do.

Yes, well, I'm afraid my father is quite rude and very, very stupid.

Ah, she knows this! At least there is one clever one in the family! Hahaha! And what is your name, little girl? Matilda. I like you, Matilda. You seem smart. Sadly, in my line of work, I don't often get to meet smart people like you. Sadly, the people I deal with think of me as all— a backbutt. Backbutt! Mafilda, who taught you to speak Russian?

I was reading this yesterday and I thought it would be better to read it in the language it was written in.

Ah, I am so pleased. It is truly an honor for me to— Your father has been very stupid and rude to both of us, yes? I could easily have one of my friends teach him some, uh, manners. And one day when we leave hospital, he will still be very stupid. But not so rude, I think. But, you know, I give this as a gift to you. What do you say, child? Mr.

Scarecrow, that is a very tempting offer. He's my father, and I'm his daughter.

I can't let him go back. Oh no, Matilda is here! Matilda! Oh, where is the monster?

He is the witch, eh?

The witch? What the— Very, very, very stupid man. He's So they're very, very, very lucky. But you, sister. Although, if I'm doing business in town again and I see you, you will not be so lucky.

Quick, let's get out of here before they change their minds!

Wait! What about the girl? Do you want to stay there with Miss Honey? Yes, yes, I do. And you want to look after her?

I do.

Well, we are a bit short on room, so yes. Thank you!

Thank you, Mom. And Mitch held the left into Miss Honey's office, and she hugged him back, and they hardly noticed as the worm was unglueable. As the worm was unglueable. The UFO sped off into the distance because they have found each other. Yes, they have found each other.