Music Man Fri 2016

River City Junction! River City! Next station stop! Credit is no good for a notion salesman. Book! Oliver! Why, what's the matter with credit? It's old-fashioned. Charlie, you're an animal salesman. Your friends give credit? No, sir. Nor anybody else? River City! River City, next! Cash for the merchandise. Cash for the button hooks. Cash for the cotton goods. Cash for the hard goods. Cash for the soft goods. Cash for the fancy goods. Cash for the nuggets and the pickings and the perkins. Cash for the hogshead, caskhead, and yonk. Cash for the crackers and the pickings and the flatheads. So free talk, free talk, free talk, free talk, free talk. You get it, free talk. You can talk, you can talk. You can bigger, you can talk. You can bigger, bigger, bigger. You can talk, you can talk. You can talk, talk, talk, talk. Bigger, bigger, bigger. You can talk all you want, but it's bigger than the law. No it ain't, no it ain't. But you got enough territory. What's Monty? Born and raised from Maine. People want to go to Monty. Monty, Monty, Monty, get up and go. 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 14, 22, 23 miles to the county seat. Yes sir, yes sir, who's got the big, nice, and little bins? Buy 4, pass 4 anymore. Where do you talk? Where do you talk? Where do you get it? Monty and all, take together at the store. Monty store. Present-day store. At the present day Monty Department and Lines grocery store. Where do you talk? Where do you talk? Where do you talk? Where do you talk? Where do you talk? Where do you talk? Where do you get it? Where do you talk? Where do you talk? What are you talking about? What are you saying? You can talk, you can whistle. You can talk, you can whistle. You can talk, talk, talk, talk. Bigger, bigger, bigger. You can talk all you want, but it's different than the work. Don't anybody's got another chair to throw away? It's the unique in this amazing show. Unique, unique. The craziest, the best, the best. The unique in an airtight sanitary package. Make each other aware of obsolete, obsolete, obsolete, obsolete, obsolete. Turn a girl without a window in the mail. I'll chop your jaw, my soul. James Dean wrote your travel bag. Salesman paid very hard. Don't offend nobody's got The ball's being forced. There's a minute, there's a minute, there's a minute. What are you guys laughing at? Why are you guys laughing? Doggone it, he's just a baby. Fell with a big old bingo. He's not a good boy. Every time a bullseye fails him. That's what makes him very loose-jerky. He'll tell us what's a slide, what's a slide. He's a big man, he doesn't know turtles. When he talks, when he talks, when he talks, when he talks, he's a music man. He's a what? He's a what? He's a music man. And he throws marionettes with the pinciness of the big jumbo and the rat-a-tat drums and the big brass face, big brass face, and the picture or the table, even the worm's tooth. The shiny, gray armor coat and the big red star. I don't know much about man, but I do know you can't make a little sun big strong gold. They all do surf, candlelit pics perhaps, and in theory, there is suicide. But there's also a man, always a man. I don't know how he does it, but he lives like a king. And he yowls and he growls and he grunts and he shouts. And women and men, he cooks and he roars. What else? The title of his hit? Jazz Surf. Jazz Surf. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. When a man dances, certainly, boys, what else? The paddle pays him. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. By Governor Tarleton! River City, we're crossing the state line into Iowa. River City, population 42,000 and slow. Cigarettes illegal in the state. 4. Now I'm going through, I'll tell you about Harold Hill. You really know Harold Hill? Never met him a day in my life, but I know this much: he's given every one of us a black eye. Every time he works in town, the next hillman to come into town, he's automatically tarred and feathered. The boy that fell in the river. Who do you think that's funny? Well, wait till it happens to you. Your hair never grows back. Why should he get let out of the town on bail? Because in order to steal band instruments and uniforms and instruction books, he has to guarantee to teach some kids to play. Well? And to form them into a band with himself as the leader. What's wrong with that? Don't no one know but me know that that's what's wrong with that. And he can't tell a bass drum from a pipe organ. Catch one of them swindling two-bit grubbers on that dual-squirrel soda! You're mad, Charlie. I'd sure like to bid you catch up with that fella. Oh, it won't be on this trip. Nigh, nigh won't. Even the great Professor Harold Hill won't dare sell those neck-mounted hot dogs out there. Good! Gentlemen, you intrigue me. I think I'll have to give Iowa a try. Don't leave our cuts, young man! I don't believe I dropped it. You ask about our weather in July, and we're so doggone small that we can stand touching noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye. But what the heck, you're welcome, join us at the picnic. You can have your fill of all the booze you bring yourself. You really ought to get high above the sky like it's your anniversary.

Good morning, Mayorson. Good morning, Mayorson.

It is if you want to go round in your drawers all day.

And there I was in the Madison Hospital and nobody come to see me.

Cousin Will never come.

Aunt Bertha never come. Your Aunt Bertha's dead. Well, she wouldn't come anyway. We could be cold as a falling thermometer in December if you ask about forever into life.

And we're so doggone sorry. If you stand touching on the floor, I'll give you a time and ask you how you survived. March through here, you archers, and I'll back to go with this. If your cross should happen to start So what the heck? I'm overwhelmed. Glad to have you with us. Even though we made our own imaginary games, you really ought to give Iowa a try. Iowa's the future. Boy, that poor bus is out to sea. It's against the green light. Ought to give Iowa a try. Ah, Mr. Squires? Yes? I'm interested in your rig for this Sunday. If you would accommodate me. Then I expect you ought to see the man in charge of hiring rigs. Who's late as usual? Greg! Marcellus! Greg, wait! Shh, shh, shh! But Greg! Marcellus! Harold Hill's the name. Professor Harold Hill. But Greg, what are you doing here? Why didn't you let me know you was coming? I didn't know I wasn't myself. Besides, how did I know you'd end up in a little stink town like this? You're a pretty big slicker when you're in business with me. Too many close shaves the way you were Besides, I got me a nice comfortable girl. Ethel Tofflemire. Boss's piece. Legitimate, huh? I knew you'd come to no good. Well, what's the new pitch? Oh, you're not back in the band, Mrs. Zaria? I heard you was in the steam automobile business. I was. Well, what happened? Someone actually invented one? No! What's the lowdown, Pimorse? Oh, well, you'll never get anywhere with these stubborn island drags. Besides, we got ourselves a music teacher exposure before you get your grip on that. Male or female? The music teacher? She's the librarian. Nina. Perfect. If she passes by, point her out. I will. Well, how are you gonna start your new pitch? Same old way. Gotta keep that decency trough balanced. Then my next step will be to get your town out of the serious trouble that it's in. Well, River City ain't in any trouble. Then I have to create some.

I need to create a desperate need for a boys' band.

But you remember What's new around here? What can I use? Well, nothing, except the Billiards Parlor did just get a new pool table. Never had a pool table here before? No, only billiards. Alright, Marshall, that'll do. And don't forget, music teacher. Music teacher. Ah, Mr. Dunlop? Yes? Either you're closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, Or you are unaware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community. What? Well, you've got trouble, my friend. Right here, I say trouble right here in River City. Why, sure, I'll appeal your fair esteem. I'm proud to say I've always minded what I'm saying. I consider that the hours I spend shooting my hand are golden. I'm hoping for the better horse sense, the cool head and keen eyes. Did you ever take a try to give a knight a flat feet cure? —cell with one free rail, Billy or Shaq. Well, just as I say it takes judgment and brains and maturity to score in any boss-like game, I think that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket, and I call that slop. First big step on the road to the depths of damn today, I say, Martin, medicinal wine from the Peace Corps, dead beer for Rob Bagley. And the next thing you know, first son is playing for money in a pitch basket. Grandmother's just stomping it out of town faster than a spellbound horse through a campfire. Now with a slingshot brace built water raceway, steps down right on a horse. I can see some stuck-up jockey boy sitting on Dan's hat, making fun of oil, I should say. Now friends, let me tell you what I mean. We got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 pockets in a table, pockets that mark the difference. And gentlemen, the N of long, capital P in that island, P in S-M-T. And all week long, you'll hear me singing, you will be fritterin' away. I said, boy, government will be fritterin' Brittner in the way there, didn't grab several times, one time too. Hit the ball in the pocket, never mind getting dynamite pulled on the screen for a match in the preseason. Never mind coming in in water shoes, America possibly could assist the NFC on a Saturday night, and that's trouble. Chris got lots and lots of trouble. I'm thinking of the kid in the neighborhood for sure, Calgon Woods, digging in the pool all winter, so he got trouble. Whoa, strike through River City, trouble! No capital T in that, why is it between that statue? Now I know all these folks are the right kind of parents. I'm gonna be perfectly frank. Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they loaf around that hall? They try not to pee, spread out juices, try not to hang in the wings like cigarette fiends. They brag all about how they're gonna cover up a tailgale breakfast session. You wanna fight that? They leave the pool hall, head for the dancey armory. Libertine men and scarlet women, mad rags, fine, shameless people. Now jot your son into your daughter to the arms of Drunkards, Annalynne Smith, Mass area. Friends, the Ivory Rain is the devil's playground. Trouble right here in River City, capital D-NAT, right here in River City. We sure got trouble right here in River City. Right here, we got to figure out a way to make the humans moral after school. Let's help the children, dads and moms. Mothers of River City, Heed my warning before it's too late. Watch the telltale signs of fortune. The monster was suddenly in the house. Does he revolve his liquor bottles? Aim low for the knee. Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in the corn crib. Is he starting to memorize jokes out of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang? Certain words creeping into his vocabulary? Words like 12! That's so cruel, man! It's so, my friends! We got trouble! Right here in River City, right here in River City, we have a little team, that right team, that stands for— what stands for? Oh, we got trouble! It's our last hour in River City, it's right here! Remember the main Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule! Let's go get children now! Oh, we got trouble! Oh, terrible, terrible trouble! That name is 15, some of them all are settled Don't I know him from— well, I've only been in town a short while. That's your daughter?

Yes, Mama. Keep on, Emerilice.

I'll be there in a minute. Hello, Mama. Fine, dear. Now your exercise. Yes, ma'am.

I don't remember the library being open last Fourth of July. It was, Mama, all evening. Mama, the man with the suitcase has been following me all over town. Oh! I never saw him before. Did he say anything? He tried. Did you say anything? Mom, of course not. Now don't talk, lamb fries. Slow, slow, lamb fries. Eat a little slower. Please keep the fingers curved as nice and high as you possibly can. Don't get fastidious. Well, if you don't mind me saying so, it's much too early to find out what the gentleman wanted. I know what the gentleman wanted. What, dear? You'll find you can fall down. Excuse me for living, but I never read it. Neither has anyone else in this town. There you go again with the same old comment about the low mentality of our recipients.

—people and taking it all too much to heart.

Now, Mama, as long as the Madison Public Library is entrusted to me for the purpose of improving River City's cultural level, I cancel my concern that the ladies of River City keep ignoring all my counsel and advice. But, darling, when a woman's got a husband and you've got stuff, why should she take advice from you?

Even if you have books about the dead Shakespeare, all of them are hyped up to freaks.

Mama, don't mind Sage, will you? Have a bad habit of changing —thinking every subject I have to take.

Subject I was taught by the strictest grades in Earth.

It's crazy, you're wearing that hat! Mama, do you think that I am of a common measure now? No, I have my standards. Men aren't concerned, and I have no intention—

I know all about your standards.

Don't find this hateful. It's not about a life with their boats and their brooms and their blankets all by themselves. I didn't know what to do but talk up for yourself. And perhaps recognition, your stubbornness, your lack of good looks.

That's not going to work. Thank you.

Can I have a drink, please? May I have a drink? May I have a drink, please? Yes. Wait, Rob, it's after dark. He's kind of weird to walk into the house. Hello? That won't do at all. I'll have a kiss from you, boy. The lady over there is your Your sister, young man. Hello, Winthrop. Winthrop, where's your manners? I'm having a party on Saturday. Will you please come? I especially like it very much if you come, Winthrop. Well, Winthrop, Marilla's asked you to her party. Are you going to our tea party? No. No what? No thank you. You know the little girl's name. He won't say it, Amorous. That's because of his list. He's ashamed. You know all about his list, Amorous. Fill the truck. I bet he won't say it. No thank you, Amorous. Amorous! Here, Marilla. He's crying. Why does he get so mad at people just because he lists? It's not only because he lists, dear Marilla. That's just part of it. What's the other part? Never mind, dear. It's just that he never talks very much. Not even to you and your mother? No, dear. We all have to be a little patient. I've been patient even though You are the little fox queen. But you need to bow to him every night on the new star. You have to do it the very second you see it too, or else it doesn't count. Good night, my Winthrop. Good night. Sleep tight. There, darling, don't cry. If not Winthrop, there will be somebody else. Never! I'll end up old maid like you. I'm sorry, Miss Marie. Can I play my cross-stitching piece? May I play mine? May I play my cross-stitching piece? You may. See, without sweethearts, you'll have no one to say goodnight to on the Evening Star. I know, Lambrolos. For the time being, you just say, "Goodnight, my sun." You can put the name in when the right sun comes along. All right, I guess it's better than nothing. Yes, it is. Now you can play your cross-stampede. Now I may play my cross-stampede. Would not my someone, would not my love, retort my someone? Sleep tight, my love. Our star is shining bright as a light. For good night, my love. For good night. Sweet dreams be yours dear. It tastes very sweet.

Treats to have a feast.

To my least favorite and my patient part, no good noise, noise, no more. Good Lord, softly whisper from heart to heart, when others are forsaken, they say, though highest in heights the gnomish and the storm As long as my heart doesn't know who you are. Sweet dreams be yours, dear. Merry. Sweet dreams, you happy little two. I wish they—

and I wish they Now good night, my son. Good night. When born by the red, white, and blue. When born by the red, white, and blue. When born by the red, white, and blue. Our banners we cheer at each step row. When born by the red, white, and blue. I'm sure we're all grateful to my wife, Eulalie McTechnician, for leading the singing, and to J.C. Squires for his fine stereo-opticity slides, and to Ethel Toppermeyer, our fine player piano— player piano. As mayor of River City, I welcome you River citizens to the Fourth of July activities set up for the indoors here in Madison Gymnasium Academy. 4 score and 7. 4 score and 7. Ah, the school board will now present us with a patriotic tableau. The school board will not present us with a patriotic tableau. Some disagreements about costumes, I suppose. Instead, we'll have the Wotan Yee girls of the local wigwam of the Shiawatha present the spectacle "My Wife," in which my wife You ready? You kicking in? Shit, we'll take a main part. You ready? Wah, tah, gee. Wah, tah, gee. Wah, tah, gee.

Taji. I will now count to 20 in the Indian tongue. Ee, teen, teller feather fit.

I didn't do it!

Tommy Dillas did!

That's right, it was Tommy Dillas! Tommy Dillas? Where's he when I need him? This mission will recover! No thanks to a certain young lesbian who's disgrace to Boston. Fourscore and seven years ago. The Page Fireworks Spectacle, Last Days of Pompeii, will take place, providing the rain stops, by 9:30. It'll be out to Madison Picnic Park, in the far side of the meadow, across the creek from the guest house. How could it be raining? I thought we just had a pretty big bear. Sure did, dude. That's why we all prepared for a storm. Because bears are active most of the time, and you know it, JC. Yeah, you've had many months of bad news in this field. Number 8's late again tonight. I mean early. Oh, she's late all the time. She's right on time. Now just watch. 4 score! There's a pool table in town! Oh, just a minute, will you let me get on?

Well, will you please let me get on with my exercise? We don't want any more exercise until we get this pool table balanced.

Permit sin and corruption, despite the devil's evil are young boys pure. Friends, may I have your attention please? Attention please! I can heal your troubled friends with the wave of my hand, this very hand. Please observe me if you will. I am Professor Harold Hill, and I'm here to organize a university boys' band. Ooh! I don't think my friends from the ancient will ever —in a piece with the full combo. Remember, my friends, when a handful of silver plates hit the famous fabled walls of Jericho? Oh, fill your parlor with walls coming tumbling down. Well, the band's in doing, my friends. Oh yes, I said a boy's band, do you hear me? I said, Murphy, you've got to have a boy's band, and I think you need to stay. Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand, and Murphy's gonna have a that boys fanned. And sure, the Lord made little green apples, that band could be in uniform. Johnny, Willie, Teddy, Fred. You'll see the glitter of crashing cymbals, and the rolling of drums, and the glitter of trumpets. You could feel something akin to the electric thrill I just felt when Gilmore, Liberati, Pat Conway, the great Three of Four, W.C. Handy, and John Philip Sousa All came to town on that very same historic day. 76 long rolls at the big parade. 110 more as we go sailing. There were called by rose and bow 91 photos of every famous man. 76 long rolls The 110 poor dancing right behind. There were more than 1,000 trees, rigged up like skis. There were boards of every shape and kind. There were copper pots, symphony, and horse to do. Thundering, thundering, all along the way. Double bells, funny jokes, and thick soup. Each bassoon having its big bass thing. It will shake the mountain tents in the valley. Thundering, thundering loud and blaring mess up every sight from an earth hit by the bull hawk higher than the stars. What's this? Men, this calls for emergency action! I haven't seen Iowa people get this excited since Frank Gotch and Strangler Lewis lie on the mat for nearly 3 and a half hours without moving a muscle. But never mind, I want that match potentialized. Somebody grab that horn! We almost lost this machine! Thanks, Professor. Happy making exams. What he does, the gang does. You'd be glad that he don't, Paul. You wild kid, ya, hanging around my oldest girl, whose father is one of them day laborers down south in town. Oh, you wild kid, ya. Came tagging up and down Main Street after my oldest girl last Sunday. It wasn't me that tagged her. Don't you counterdict me. He was just walking with her. Keely Clyde. What's your phraseology? I know what he was doing. My little Grace has seen you. Now you stay away from my eldest girl, or you'll hear from me till we'll make a writ! Hill, I'll talk to you Monday morning about this band thing. Over at City Hall, 10 o'clock sharp. May I have your past spellbinders' credentials? Yes, sir. I'm confident we'll all be responsible for the boy. You don't know this kid. He's tough as death, waiting outside. Be careful, Tommy. I'd like to speak to you about today. But you, Professor, that's for the little kids. Why aren't we playing as a band, Tommy? You're mechanically minded, aren't you? Do you ever do anything with perpetual motion? Nearly had it a couple of times. You did? Do you realize that no one has ever invented a music stand for a marching piccolo player? There's no place to hang your music. Gee, Clyde, wonder where I can get some wires from. Check your cellar. You will keep watch. Yes, sir. Oh, Tommy! Constable, I'll show you how to break up a gang. Young lady, young miss, what's your name?

Zenia! I'm not any active youth, begging you to leave. Eek-a-what? Do you know Tommy Jealous?

Well, I mean— Tommy, this is Zenia. Escort the young lady home. Oh, me, citizen? I'm not going home.

I'm on my way to the library.

To young lady's home by way of the library, by way of the candy machine. Yes, sir, do I have to? Yeah. Yes, sir. Professor, you're a bright young fellow. You made a couple mistakes, though. Oh? The mayor happens to own the billiard parlor, and that isn't suitable. Oh, and what was my other mistake? That's Davina. She's the mayor's Excuse me, Professor, we're going to need to see your credentials. We're from the school board. Academic certification? Nothing of the kind. We need letters of paper. Make him put up a bond! Wait a minute, wait a minute. What am I hearing? Say ice cream. Ice cream. But I don't see my mouth. That's all right, then just talk. Down here. Ice cream. Talk slow. Ice cream. You see, my singing is always the same problem. Now you serve ice cream. Now you serve ice cream. Now you serve ice cream. Ladies, from now on, I'll never see one of these men without the other three.

Professor, you're wrong. Why, these men have hated each other for 15 years.

Ice cream. Ice cream. I scream. How can there be any sin in sin's sear? Where is the good in goodbye and goodbye? Don't have pretensions, don't use me, dear. Puzzle and mystify, mystify, tell me what can be fair in farewell, dear, while one single star shines above. How can there be any sin sincere? Aren't we sincere here? In love or here in war? Hope you live alone, or anything. Well, I have some wonderful apartments over at my hotel. Mr. Hill?

Professor Hill. Professor of what? At what college do they give a degree for annoying one's roommates like a Saturday Night Raw?

I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm a conservatory man myself. Jerry Egan, an old middle-class sot like.

Even if that should happen to be true, it does not give you the right to follow me around wherever I go. And another thing, Mr. Hill, I'm not easily mesmerized or hoodwinked as some of the people in this town, and I think it's only fair to warn you that I have a shelf full of reference books which make very easy I can very easily provide some very interesting information about you.

Hey, Gregory! Marcelison. Don't call me Greg. Well, how'd you make out with the music teacher? Scrumptious. She got out of my hand the minute I tipped my hat. Ah, she did? Boy, did you cut a swath tonight. For a moment you even had me believing you knew a thing or two about music. Like how you used to take that fan pillow back in Joplin. Violin. Oh, that's kid stuff. I'm in rare pearls these days, son. You just keep your eyes on me for the next 4 weeks. 4 weeks? It used to only take 10 days for the instruments to arrive. Still does, but it takes 4 weeks for the uniforms. Uniforms? Uniforms and instruction. Instruction? You can't pretend to be a band teacher, not for any 4-week marks. You don't know one note from another. I've created a revolutionary new system called the Think System. Where you don't have to bother with notes. But in 4 weeks, people are bound to want to hear some music. You're gonna have to lead a band. But by the time the uniforms arrive, they'll be so distracted they'll forget everything. At least long enough for me to collect and leave. This is a refined operation, son. I've got it timed right down to the last wave of the freightman's hand on the last crate out of town. And now, Mr. Washburn, if you'll excuse me. Huh. Gonna line yourself up some canoodling, huh? Well? Say, I could hook you up with Ethel's sister. Lovely gal, teaches Sunday school. Don't mind, I need her wholesome, innocent Sunday school teacher for me. The kind of gal spins webs no spider ever— Now listen, a girl who trades in all that purity really wants to trade my independence for security. The ammonia-perfumed, hishigal file, first marching down the aisle of gold and glorious gleaming. Frisky guys. No sir or no Diana, I'm quite the fun, I can tell you that right now. I snarl, I hiss, I can hit rich, become careless. I sparkle and I fizz for the lady who knows what time it is. I cheer and I rave for the virtue I'm too late to save. The Saturday Night Rider girls will be here. No crying, pushing, fretting. Baby, don't make me tell her that kind of time. Time comes, no savior ever. I'll have her take a chance. On your adult commands, don't be young and too picky. This baby all the time being cute, but this baby Oh, why have I been so insistent, female? No, sir, oh, I see the fisherman I wish to see. All the while, my attention's on my side. When the last of the delicate air goes by, I smile and I grin. When the gal with such justice walks in, I hope and I pray for a true ring. Just one more aid, the fatter. Oh, why is a girl so girl-tortured? I'm Edna Popplemeyer, the piano girl, and this is Miss Mrs.

Squires is in this. It's Mrs. Hicks. And of course, you remember our lovely nearest wife, young Lady Mackenzie Shin. Isn't it exciting, ladies? I couldn't say. I could not say no. I could not say at this time. My husband would wish to investigate, I am sure. And naturally, I'm reticent. Oh yes, I am reticent.

Of course, Mrs. Shin, I understand. But you see, part of my music class is mini of the dance. No, no, wait, Mrs. Shinton, wait, you raised your foot just now. But I have a bunion, dear. Such grace, such expression of line and movement. Mr. Miller, you must accept the chairmanship for the ladies auxiliary for the class event. Mustn't she, ladies? Every move you make is shimmy shimmy shimmy. These speech skills are hidden.

Will you save the zoo? I trust that's what you will do, baby. Then you accept? Yes, indeed.

I would like to save the zoo. And of course, the young lady who plays the piano. Mary Peru, I believe. Well, she is the librarian. Pick a little, tuck a little, pick a little, tuck a little, cheep cheep cheep. Come along, pick a little more. Pick a little, tuck a little, pick a little, tuck a little, cheep cheep cheep. Come along, pick a little more. Pick a little, tuck a little, pick a little, tuck a little, cheep I'll tell you.

She made brazen overtures to a man who never left the bend in this town till she came here. Old Miles Madison. Miles Madison?

Like Madison Gymnasium? Madison Picnic Park? Madison Hospital? That Miles Madison?

Exactly!

Who do you think he was anyway? Well, I should say. Show her what? The town library too minty.

That's just it. When he died, he left the library open to the city. But we love all the books, show her. She was seen going and coming from this place. Oh yes, oh yes, that would have made great comic gold.

Did you think you'd have seen?

Should have told them to deny herself before she cracked a brain.

Just melt her down and you'll reveal a book of facts.

Cares for a woman's heart.

He left River City, the library building, but he left all his books to her. To her. Your name. Walter. I just wanted you to know that I know everything, and it doesn't make any difference. What are you talking about? You were probably very young when it happened. Anyone can make a mistake at that age. What? No apologies, no explanations, please. What will you be entitled to? A violin? Instead of a wiser girl like me?

Will you please make your selection and leave? I have Well, what do you want to take out?

The librarian! Library? You're not listening, Mary. Oh! Mary, marbles, 6 DVDs, 8 baggies, a dozen DVDs, and one big glass of pear marmalade. I think I'll pop— No! Madeline! Mary! Madeline Merryman. What can I say, my dear, to catch your ear? I need you badly, badly, Madeline Merryman. Merryman, tell it so fast, you wouldn't walk afar. I desire your love What can I try here to tell you dear? I love you madly, madly, madly, my very dearest, very dearest. With all the loss of voice I can ever make, with a simple life so All right, Tommy, we've had a pretty good morning. 11 sales out of 12 tries. I'll tell you what, it's almost noon. You go home and get some dinner. I'll talk to her myself. Yes, sir. Good luck, Buster. Thank you, Tommy. Just a minute! Are you soliciting? You haven't got a license! Why no, Mr. Mayor, I collect doorbells. This particular specimen has an interesting tone. Blasphemy will not avail you! Soliciting is statutory in this county. Malfeasance without a permit! Why haven't you been down to City Hall with your references? I dismiss you, Mr. Mayor, and Your hands alone? What? The sweat of your little finger. It's hereditary. What does that mean? It means that your son's little finger is perfectly situated to operate the spit valve on the B-flat bugle horn. Is that good? Good! It means that America has at last produced an artist who can bugle the minute waltz in 50 seconds. How can I get me one of those horns? Just sign here, Mr. Mayor. That will be a $17 import fee. And just to think, I could have missed out on this whole— I haven't got a son! Why, you are scrupulous! You flew by night! You are flubulous! You'll be down to City Hall with your references by 3 o'clock! You mean this afternoon? I couldn't make myself any planet advice to Quaker on his day off. Miss Brew, do you realize he's got the facial characteristics of a cornet virtuoso?

I don't know if I understand you entirely, Professor.

Your son has that same firm chin and those cheek muscles. By George, not that he could ever be really great. You understand that?

Oh, is that so? Oh, and in the name of St.

Bridget, why not? Well, all the great cornet players were Irish. O'Clarke, O'Mendez, O'Kline— But Professor, we are Irish! No, no, really, that switch isn't enough. Sign here, Mrs. Drew. Your son was born to play the cornet. And that will be $7 from his money. Nothing due until the first installment's payable at the opening of band practice. Thank you. And of course, I'll need the boy's measurements for his uniform. His uniform? Well, hello, son. Why, certainly, his uniform. And I'll attend to the order of delivery, which gives him 4 weeks to enjoy, to anticipate, to imagine at no cost whatsoever. Never allow the demands of tomorrow to interfere with the pleasures and excitements of today. Would it have a— A stripe? Why, certainly, my boy, a wide red stripe on each side. What do you think of that?

You'll have to excuse Winthrop, Professor. We cast him to say 3 words a day, even to us. And if he didn't complain, the bad elves seized Michael's own way with him. But if anybody could do it all, that's you, can't you? Out of the ground I'd give you for a hot-carrying, clay-pipe-smoking, shamrock-wearing, harp-playing, maberry-pitching, tares-all, mistletoe-eating Irishman.

Me coffee jug is already growing by nearly 2 inches.

Where did you say?

In fact, the Erie Conservatory was my alma mater. Was she not? Yep, gold medal, plus 5.5. Howdy-do, Mrs. Groove. Howdy-do, Mr. Groove. Of course, I thought the name sounded familiar. You know, all week long I tried to stop— He wants to put us up in the band.

We're not interested, Mama. Let's marry the boy right before his father He does have my jaw, you know.

And your husband's musical? Well, I'd sure like to meet him.

You burst in on everyone's home like this, prying into personal affairs. We're not interested. Married?

That's one for and one against. Maybe we should let the boy's father decide.

The boy's father is dead. Anything else? Sorry. That's all the more reason why we should have something like this: My brother is a 10-year-old problem child who can't understand why his father was taken away. Would you care to explain it to him? He's been brooding about it for 2 years. As to your musical tricks, why don't you go into business with some nice carnival man who sells gold-painted watches and glass diamond rings?

Music and tricks, Miss Porter? Why, hardly. Get the feeling she likes the idea. A little mystical perhaps? I like that, Edward. Just keep me alive and I'll be back in a week.

Oh, Professor, I got the boy's measurements and made all his clothes.

Sleeve 21, waist 18, crouch 14.

Fine, fine, that's all I need. Now I must get back to my experiment.

I do hope you'll excuse Mary, she's not ready. Oh, don't worry about her. I'm sure that at heart she's as lovely as yourself. Have a good day, Edward.

Has he gone? He has. And I hope not forever. Darling, don't you ever think of your future. Gary and he had a conservation class about fire. How far will it have gone now, Mama? Surely a girl's future doesn't depend on every fast-talking, self-centered, woman-chasing traveling man that comes to town. And the fact that he plays a commodity in music does not, in this particular case, impress me. All right, darling, all right. Although it's a well-known principle that if you keep the flint in one drawer and the steel in another, you'll never strike a fire. Bump-bump! Winthrop? Winthrop, I know you're there. Please go to the library and ask Miss Crouch to give me the book I set aside. It's the Indiana State Educational Journal, 1890-1910. It's a large brown volume with a lot of appendices. You'll like it. I've written it all down so you won't have to talk to anyone. Thank you, dear. Now what are you up to? What do you need books at this hour of the night? I have a feeling the Indiana Journal may help me poke some very large holes in the professor's claims. Well, I give up. At your age, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of white knight do you expect to come riding alone? Well, I'm not waiting for Luther Briner. That reads the ancient history shelf every time he comes in. He does! Or I've damaged that buggy of his with the removable back seat. And I'm not waiting for man in shining white armor to— With no shame, I will not cease. My brief mind, collected with strength, behold you all, ye dear and loved. All I want is a great man. All I want is a funny man. A quiet man. A gentle man. A street forward and honest man to sit with me in a cottage somewhere in the state of Iowa. I never liked to be more interested in me than he is himself, and more interested in us than in me. And they shall be in all What nation's spirit burns full and great? Thongs my thighs, thongs my thighs, thongs my thighs. No landsalt, no nature's salt. —things, tossed from one to another, with the shakes of a midnight sea. By white noise, then they both repeat, where the others drag on, all the guys Zanita!

Hey, Zanita! Tommy!

Papa and Mama are sitting right there in the bank, eating us!

Okay, then meet me right after supper.

We can't, it's Effort League night tonight. Meet you where? The bridge. You see? Isn't that just what I said last time in Lower Yard? In Noah Woodbridge? And where will you meet me after that?

In Black Hills, Calcutta? Because I only want to show you my new invention. What invention? A music holder for a marching pickleball player. It still has a couple of minor, uh, flaws. See, if you hold the timer to keep the music steady, you cut off the circulation and you can't move your your fingers. Meanwhile, you could go blind. Is that the first thing I said, or is it the second?

Yes, sure.

Yes, the very first thing. Or Ollie, you hit with the horses. Get that stove under his credentials, I said. Morning of July 4th, 1912. And now look, my wife is off dancing at any and all hours instead of in the home. My school board is singing Upstream Down Alley instead of tending to city matters. My oldest girl is out mooning some wild kid, and my business has fallen so far off I can't find the balance sheets.

Mayor Shakes, I found some very interesting information in this book about Professor Hale's alma mater. His who? His university.

Oh, I know all about that. In fact, it's the only thing I can get out of him.

Derry Conservatory, class of '85. Well, if you just took the time to read a little bit about the Observatory, I don't think I'll look much further. Papa!

Papa, the Wells Fargo wagon is coming up the depot! A likely story at this hour of the day. Nonsense! The Wells Fargo wagon? It could be the band instrument! The band instrument! A sparkle wagon is a sparkly down the street. I wish, I wish I knew what it could be. Or kitchen? It could be something special, something very, very special, just for me. Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-coming down the street, and it's at my door. Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-coming down the street, and the sheriff is ready to knock the door. —bring us up and never fly ever. He comes with no trousers, and this comes with no more clothing.

Open the grave.

Round one for you, Professor Hill. But I better hear some fly-knives, grenades, and more from the British warlord, or I'll have you rehearsing brain injury at the filming seats. Now, Mary, mother of all conjurers, Tempest speaking, you walk through a prison of doom. Go on home now. I got business to attend to. Mary, ladies' dance committee meets Tuesday nights at high school. Now, prayer. Take the body with you. Please. Lovely ladies, lovely.

Now take a group of gracious heirs. It.

Mr.

Dunlop, if you're ready. Oh, and ladies, remember, don't make me tell you again, always keep your face to the audience.

It's you in the sunrise, it's you in my thoughts, it's you all the way into town. It's your sweet hello, dear, that sets me up, and it's your got to go, dear, that gets me down. It's you on my pillow in all of my dreams, Once more the morning breaks through. What words could be sadder or truer or greater than this hymn? Smile, girls, smile. If you think you can handle them, go ahead. Mr. Washburn, wait till you see the new steps Professor Hale taught us! All right, well, what will it be? The Shaboombeats! Take your hands off of my daughter! M-M-Mr. Shaker Robert? Your daughter and I are going to stay behind your back. Why? We'd rather do it in front of your back. Do what? That never works! The need is superior, but I am not. I just think you hate to have your own daughter be scared of you, and dearly, why? I am going to warn you once more. You stay away from my daughter, or I'll, by God, worship you till hell won't have it anymore. Ew! Not George! Now, now, poop out of you, madam. I think he means peeve. Yes. Now get out of here! You have no right in this public building! I have as much right in a public building as anybody! Right? What have you got any right around here? Aiding and abetting the squiggly activities of that spellbinding single salesman? You know what I see written all over you? Reform school! Now get out of here! Get out of here, you wild kid! Pa, please! It's calculated like you make blood! Oh, you watch your phraseology, young woman! Go home! You leave!

You bring it to your parents! My parents?

I'll handle the need of taking up with wild kids from the wrong side of town!

Mr. Mayor, if I could just make you understand—

Oh, well, you can't! And by the way, thanks for nothing! I read that whole book you gave me from Charter Cottage for nearly a whole week —now and haven't found a thing. Mr. Mayor, if you please— I'll settle your hash as soon as I get these premises off of my little girl. Yes, all right. In the meantime, I want you to know I'm vouching for Tony Gila. That boy's got the confidence of every kid in town. He'll be standing in line waiting to shake his hand by the time our band plays its first concert. By the time your band plays its first concert, the individual The council members will have to foregather in wheelchairs and tell them their broken legs don't trip them over their fears! I'll tell you something, my fine young feathered— my feathered young— Never mind! Jacey! Oliver! George! Holden! I want that man's papers and I want them tonight! Don't let him ever set. He's slipperier than a goose's eggs. Surgeon. You mean you want us to get his credentials? Get his papers or get him in jail. It couldn't be any clearer if I was a bloody book in the well water.

Professor Phil, I think Mary Jane had the hate abominable, and I think it was wonderful of you coming to Tommy's defense like that.

Oh no, that, that was nothing. Yes, it was. Oh no, Mad Pants, I see you every time you little personal risk is involved. What does the poet say? "The coward dies a thousand deaths and the brave man only 500." Unfortunately, of course, the mayor was already pretty mad on account of his billiard parlor. But I suppose a recommendation from a musical authority like yourself would help them. Couldn't think to ask you to do a thing like that.

Why, Professor Hill, I'd be glad to. I just wish I was a little more informed. I've been meaning to talk to you about Victor Cornett.

Mother of girl peas. Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

But you see, he never touches it. Oh, the first week or so he made a few, uh, experiments on black, I guess you could say. Yes, yes, black. And he thinks the mini wet and cheese adapt almost constantly.

Oh, you know, I don't—

But he never touches them for an ant. Well, he said you told him it wasn't necessary. He tells me about some feeding system. If he thinks the mini wet and cheese, he won't have to bother with his own.

Now Miss Marion, the Fink system is a revolutionary new methodology. So was Galileo's conception of the heavens and Columbus's conception of the egg. Whoa! Fox's conception of the well-timbered platform. I cannot discuss these things here in public. If you'll allow me to call. When may I call?

By any night this week.

Sorry, Professor, we're going to need to see your credentials. We all been deputized. Yes, yes, we graduated. You know, all week long I've tried to give you fellas my references and credentials, but every time you seem to get off the subject somehow. No, I am just going to meet up with my hotel room. Just take me a minute. I'm sorry, you think I'm going to have to go with you? Yes, yes. Well, let's see if I have my key. What's this? A testimonial from Madeline, the only female bassoon player ever to appear on the Redpath Circus Her stage name, of course. Actually, she was from Alaina. Lila Rose Plantage. Could I see that? You'll never forget the name. Lila Rose. Same as the old song. <LYRICS>Lila Rose, I'm home again, Rose, to get the sun back in the sky. Lila Rose, I'm home again, Rose, about a thousand kisses shy.</LYRICS> Ding dong ding, I can hear the chapel bell chime. Ding dong ding, at the least suggest turn off the question. Like a rose I'm born again, rose without a sweetheart to my name. Lighter rose, now everyone knows that I won't be your the same. So here is my love song, love fancy or fine. Lighter rose, no one's too keen. My lighter rose, oh, lighter rose, oh, lighter rose.

The sun burns in our sky, freedom calls on all It's just open your mouth and let it come out. No, no, no, nothing. If he ever comes to call again, you see him alone. And if you have an objection to tell him how you feel, tell him. Well, there's nothing wrong with no ladylike things. Mama, where have you been? Fishing with Harold. You mean Professor Harold? Mhm. And look, I saw some marbles. Did you have a good time? Told me all about a small town, Gary, Indiana. And he said he's taking me there someday. And he taught me a song that has any S's in it. Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, what to say once again. Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, that's the town I'm going to be wearing. If you'd like to have a look Cherry Indiana, my home sweet home. If you'd like to have a lot of flexibility, you know what happens almost always in competing events. I would say you are going to try to save time, but there is a warm place that can wipe my face. Cherry Indiana, my home sweet home. Leave the dishes all through the moment. Don't you have to change for the social? No, time later.

Hey, Shin's around here somewhere.

The Shin home is on East Elm. This is West Elm.

Ah, right. I see you're the piano teacher. You must know all about this fella. You hear that voice, man? Yes. Don't let it bore you no more. I got the guts I need to space. You don't want a two-bit fibber here. That's why I've got to see shit. Number 8, let me make some 15-minute requests. Wish it was 20. Would sure like to spend 5 minutes on you, girly girl. Who are you? Name's Charlie Coward. And a censor. But just now I'm here to protect the good name of Crowley. Eternity from this swim. Mr.

Powell, you're making a big mistake.

Mistake, my old lady's corset cover. That fellow's been raspberry seeding my wisdom tooth just long enough. It's spoiled the little knob for me, and he's not going to spoil ours. Say, what kind of music teacher are you? You didn't see through him. Why, he's no more professor.

I know all about that. Band leaders are always called professors. It's a harmless deception. He's a fine record No music.

Fine, director. Have you ever won note music from any band? No, but— But nothing, girly girl. He never formed a band in his life, and he never will.

If you'll only listen to me for a minute. I'd like to.

I'd like to do more than that if I had the time. I've sure got the inclination, but I've got to get back to my training. I need this dynamite for somebody at the depot. Bye, pretty girl. See you next time. You'll never make that train at the depot.

You'll have to catch it at the crossing.

No, sir. I've got to get to work.

And I can see you ain't going to leave me. Wait a minute, Mr. Powell. You don't know me yet.

Is that an invitation?

No, I mean, I don't know you.

I need more time anyway.

I mean it, well, as I'd like to. Well, I never met bad cells with anvils. That's something, well, quite different.

Takes a real cell, and I can tell you that. Anvils, unlimited appeal. I missed that train I could've caught. Now I gotta leave word with that fellow Hill. Leave word with me. Well, on your tooth, I've had one I know who clipped these pictures. Try me! There's your train! Now run for it! Don't you, little— Who do you think you're protecting? That guy's got girls every county from here to Illinois, and he's taking it away from every one of them. And that's all 132 counties, not counting the plantations like you people subject, just keep your mouth shut. Now, who one of you took a lesson from me, girly girl? Like a rose I'm holding in rose without sweethearts hear my name. Good evening, Miss Mary Ann. Marian! Marian, dear! Who is that you've brought with you? Just my Professor Hill. Good evening, Miss Brew. Hello, Marian.

You and Marian come up and sit. I've got some jelly on the stove. There's no jelly on the stove, Mama. Well then, I'll put some on.

Shall we sit? As your mother said? Well, I—

Well, you did ask me to call. Did I? I didn't mean anything.

Now, Miss Marion, I'm not suggesting your invitation inferred anything but academic enlightenment. The thing system? Been by our house a time or two this week to try to explain it to you, but there always seemed to be people around. Mostly ladies, I thought.

Yes, Mrs. Squires and several other ladies.

I'm glad. I didn't want anybody feeding my tongue. Hey, what is it? No, ma'am, this is absolutely not a convenient night. See you at the social later.

Professor Hale, is it true that you've had a hundred— I mean, what I'm trying to say is— Yes? Is it true that you've developed a— a think system?

A what? Think? Oh, yes, a think system. It's really very simple, as simple as whistling. Nobody has to show you how to use your lips and whistle. You just think of a tune and it comes out here. You can really try it yourself before you ask any questions.

I take your word.

Will we sit down?

Are all music teachers as dense as I am?

All music teachers?

I dare say even dozens. Well, I suppose. Are they all as fascinated as I am with— with the thing system? So, Morrison, would you be pleased?

One young lady had thought of the same system before I got to her town. She charged you your findings. I see. Have I said something wrong?

Please don't let me keep you, Professor Little. I'm sure you have many more important things to do than— than to discuss the things system with me. I think of one. I must be very dull company for a man of your experience.

Say a word to Bingley and he'll be at your neck.

One hears rumors of chopping silk.

But experience must lead everything you hear. After all, one even hears rumors about librarians.

I suppose you're referring to Uncle Mattie. Uncle Mattie? Mr. Madison, my father's best friend. No matter what they say, he left me this sure job so the mother would live, that I would have some security. Surely you don't believe—

But why do you think people start with those rumors?

Why, never mind this. Jealousy? Jealousy mostly, I guess.

Exactly. Jealousy mostly starts rumors about traveling salesmen. What have you heard?

Nothing about you personally. Just generally. What have you heard generally? Just that, well, of course it stands to reason that disappointment and jealousy can lead to— I mean, take you for instance. Your attention to the customer Well, music teachers. It might be easy to misinterpret in my debate. I mean, honestly, my debate. Why? So you say. If another sophomore, if someone were jealous, why, they could be down there at my side of the debate. What? Rumors and things. Why, of course. It just shows that you should never believe everything you hear. I mean, if you just discussed it—

Mary, I'm happy to discuss anything I'd do anything in the world with you. Could we do it sitting down? You do sit, your knees bent and all.

Yes, we could sit right here. Or we could sit on the large hollow log over the footbridge. Why couldn't we think of it?

I've never been to the footbridge with a man in my life.

Just the top? I've got to dress for the social.

Then meet me there in 15 minutes. Some other time, maybe tomorrow? Here's a little library. Pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today one to remember. Oh, so would I. The footbridge. 15 minutes. 15 minutes. Whoa!

What? I just promised Professor Hill I'd meet him at the footbridge in 15 minutes! Glory be to Satan, Grace, it works! What's up?

I think this is the thief system I want from the parlor. Good, good. The uniforms have arrived. The kids are in them. The clothes get So people are going to be screaming for reasons. Yeah. Here's Mr. Doe. I had to tell him to be collected. He's down at the lumberyard. He'll take a little practice. All right, look at the rate. I got it. What time is the freight though? 9:40 from the junction. It's not even 8:30 yet. Look, if you want to turn the world around here and get yourself caught, it's any time you go ahead. But I go. All right, boss. I'll meet you at the hotel in plenty of time. Miss Mary, you're late.

But you said 15 minutes.

Well, I meant that you were about— why, I'd say 26 years too late. Took you all this time to get to the footbridge, little fella?

He wanted to know the truth. It was almost longer. Oh. Halfway here, I nearly turned back. I suppose I'm not the first to find it easier to think clearly when not under the spell of a spellwitch.

Now, Miss Marion, surely you don't think I've been trying to sell you anything?

Oh no, you've given me something.

That's why I decided I don't recall giving you anything.

Yes, you have. Something beautiful. That's why I came, and I'm glad. But don't be afraid that I expect too much. Who can expect the Traveler himself to mistake us? I know there have been many who were to call. There will be many more. That's no reason for me not to be grateful. But you will have loved me.

You don't know her.

You know only a word. Just a word.

There was a lot of thunder now, but I never feared its fury. I never feared the old steel railroad. Hey, Craig! Excuse me, I'm expecting a deal with Hector Molloy. This could be it. Now what? Who's the salesman here? Say what she says. You're buying! You know I was able to sleep tonight. You brought balance with you. Oh, I changed it so far off balance you can't tell it from a catboat in a roaring main! Listen here, Buster Brown, I've come up the ranks on this skirmish and I'm not resigning without my commission. Well, you ain't getting anything down here on the footbridge. All right. There's a place over at Madison Park near the social that makes this footbridge look like an old lady's home. Now go get the rig. Never a peaceful moment in the man business. Now then, where were we?

You were about to tell me what I don't know about you. We really don't have to discuss that now, do we? No, we don't. Or ever, for that matter, Harold. The librarian hasn't felt like doing much research lately, but she did plenty when you first arrived.

Oh, about what?

Oh, about Professor Harold Hill, Gary Conservatory Music, gold medal, class about 5. There wasn't any Berry Conservatory in '05. Then why'd I search for it? The town wasn't even built until '06.

I'll see you at the social. You knew all this time?

Since July 7th, 3 days after you came. I tore this page out of the Indiana Journal. It was originally intended to use against you, but now I give it to you with all my heart.

Well, if he knew what he was doing— White Bull. Well, the 110 cord nets laid me bare. Then I modestly took my place as a quiet, lonely case as I glided up and down the square.

Arise, my son, arise!

With 110 more dancing right hands.

The star is shining bright and so long. There are birds of every shape and form.

Trees, making forest of birches, stairs of 110 cornets beneath the air. I wish I lived as long as I might. So good God, my soul, Dried up, man-hungry doxy! Round me up, biscuit! Get out of here, you creepy, dirty man! Really? You big pup! Stay in this town until you get yours upside down, sideways, and why do you never even know the territory? Here's your stuff, Rex and Allie. Come on, let's go. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Pickle, Pickle, stop, stop, stop!

Everybody listen to this man!

You know about green grass, don't you? Can't you get it through your heads you're being swindled? And you're right, keep right out! This minute, there's a burglar in the bed who might have been fiddling in your parlor. I'm talking about Harold Hill, our event broker and pickpocket. A pickpocket? Say it again. He's had his hand in your wallet, mister, and yours, madam, and yours, little lady, ever since you first stepped foot in this town. There's more documented evidence than you'll ever have time to read. There isn't any man. There never has been any man, and there never will be any man. Unless you put this man down right now like a mad dog, there won't be any hero of Hiller either. He'll be on the next train out of town. Now will you believe me?

What are we waiting for? I want my money back!

I want his hide! After him! Henry, find him! Bring him to the schoolhouse! After him!

Would not.

Would you say anything you wanted to know? Can you eat a man? No. Are you Pete Larson? Yes. Are you driving around in a truck? Yes.

That's cool, Pete Larson!

What's the matter? I want all the truth, didn't you? And I'm bigger than you, and you're gonna stand here and give it all, so you might as well quit wiggling. There's two things you're entitled to know. One, you're a wonderful kid. I thought so from the start. That's why I wanted you in the band so you'd quit moping around feeling sorry for yourself. What band? I always think there's a band, man. What's the other thing I'm entitled to know? Now that I think of it, it's not really I wish we never heard of anything.

No, you don't. You believe him? I believe everything he's ever said. But he promised God, and it all happened just like he promised. The flags, the colors, the symbol. Where were all that? In the way every kid in this town walked around his head and looked into Adam's, especially you. And the parents Mama wished he never come to River City. Well, you do, don't you? Now go in. Come, Professor, hurry up. I can't.

Why not? I realized for the first time I've got myself caught in the door. There was a thud. I never heard it speak. I never heard it at all. Still, there was music. Craig! Craig, they're coming! That way! That way! Which is why I interrupted the program at this point. Now, rest assured, the snake in our journalism would have been misapprehended by this point. I can only remind you, my fellow River City teens, yes, always remember, that I, as your mayor, did everything within my power to keep this dire happening from happening. For sure!

Uniforms just tonight.

And we haven't even seen their uniforms yet. He's slippery, I told you. I wasn't the famous wizard, my boy, either. Just after supper. Oh, kidnap! Oh, kidnap! Fourscore and seven years ago. Oh, just a minute, just a minute. The sword of retribution has cut down Professor Harold Hill. Paddy, there are those in my were collecting feathers and melting tar. I will not say their name.

Well, I should think there ought to be some of you that could forget your everlasting I've-a-troubled-chick-on-the-shoulder arrogance long enough to remember River City before Harrisville arrived. Do you remember? Well, do you? I should think some of you ought to be grateful to what Harrisville So I should think he'd want us to admit it.

Young lady, you are wasting a great deal of time here. If there's anyone in this hall who thinks this man here should not be tarred and feathered, let him stand. And the rest of you, standing there like a cohort of Shropshire sheep, have you forgotten how he sold you high-priced band instruments, technical instruction books, and expensive uniforms? Have you forgotten the clear understanding and warranty that your children would be taught to play playing in a band. Well, where's the band?

Where's the band?

It's the band! Think, Ben. Think.