Hilary Bagley plays an over-confident popularity coach in a musical monologue that mocks the idea popularity is teachable. She raps and sings about flirting, fashion, and slang while repeatedly emphasizing the word popular, then breaks character to joke about the song's own lyrical mishaps.
Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I, and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I? My tender heart tends to start to bleed. And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over. I know, I know exactly what they need. And even in your case, Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face. Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed. Follow my lead, and yes indeed, you will be popular. I get so excited when I say popular. Oh, you'll learn proper ploys when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce. I'll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair, everything that really counts to be popular. I'll help you be popular. I'll ha— you'll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports, know the slang you've got to know. So let's start, 'cause you've got an awfully long way to go. Don't be offended by my frank analysis, think of it as personality dialysis. Now that I've decided to become a Palace sister and advisor, There's nobody wiser, not when it comes to popular. I know about popular, and with an assist from me to be who you'll be instead of dreary who you were, well, are, there's nothing that can stop you from becoming popular. Lar. La, la, la, la. We're gonna make you popular. When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features, I remind them on their own behalf to think of celebrated heads of state or especially great communicators. Did they have brains or knowledge? Don't make me laugh. They were popular. It's all about popular. And with an assist from— oh, me. Dang it, I'm singing the wrong words again. Nothing— You're gonna be popular, okay? And then my poor protégé is like, uh, thanks but no thanks, and I'm gonna walk away now because you're creeping me out. You're welcome. And though you protest your disinterest, I know clandestinely You're gonna grin and bear it, your newfound popularity. La la la la. You'll be popular, just not quite as popular as me. I totally should have had Gabby singing this song because she was singing the whole time.
