Three characters from the off-Broadway musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change perform a rapid-fire comedy song about dating insecurities and body image. They trade self-deprecating lines about tiny biceps, synthetic clothes, and glued-on hair, using exaggerated flaws to mock conventional dating tropes.
With Julie Plague by Kate Zandarin.
Jason Plague by Luke Rothfuss. Now please enjoy The Stun of Abe.
Did I mention that I just had my iPhone fixed?
Really?
Yeah. Oh. Yes.
Wow. Yep.
Oh, I just remembered the cutest story about my brother.
Oh, what? No, maybe not. No, come on, come on. Okay, okay, my brother— this is really cute.
Yeah, my brother, he has 11 toes.
I sit here trying to impress and make this guy all struck, but every subject I address makes me sound like such a schmuck.
It's not that I can't be diverting, sometimes I can even But I'd just be so much better at flirting if I only had looks that kill.
If I were a star.
If I were the best Hey, but the kind of guy girls love, the kind of girl guys crave. My chest would be rounder, my pecs would be stouter, my legs would be longer, my arms would be stronger, my hair would be flowy, my chest hair would be showing, my hips would be slimmer, my butt would just simmer. I'm gonna go and seduce him. Oh, oh, oh. She'll be begging me for more. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, tonight I'm gonna use him. Tonight I'm gonna score.
Yeah! A stud. A babe.
Too long. He'll break.
Oh, oh, oh. If I rub. So juicy.
Leave me begging.
Talk to me.
So we've met.
You've, uh, you have some nacho schmutz on your face there. Gone. You wiped it to the other side.
Now, now it's on your chin. Better.
Julie, be honest. I don't have a lot of what you're looking for, do I?
No, no, it's me, Julie.
I'm not a stripper.
I'm not a babe.
I'm not a guy girls love.
Well, I'm not a girl guys crave. I'm awkward and whiny. My biceps are tiny. I'm not too athletic. My clothes are synthetic. My nails are all chewed off. My hair is all glued on. My head's a little dumbbeed I know you both feet every night I know a story oh, yeah, you can really see I'm homely and I'm boring well, I could buy no more dreams. Yeah, no day, no day. I love my dream.
