The Least Offensive PLay in the Whole Darn World - MDT 2018

Weird. Manipulative.

Shallow.

Thoughtless. Jealousy.

Annoying.

Selfish.

Obnoxious.

Gay. Cruel.

Loud. Funny.

Dreamer.

Beautiful. Creative.

Inclusive.

Confident.

Supportive.

Spontaneous. Determined. Diverse. Brave.

Aesthetic.

Playful.

Outgoing.

Funny.

Friendly. Teamwork.

Enthusiastic. Team. Talented. Family.

Hey, do you ever wonder what's going inside in your kid's head?

We will tell you. I'm gonna tell you what goes on in a theater kid's head. Theater 1 and 2. Oh, I'm gonna be so funny. Can I go next? I don't wanna go next. I like performing. I'm only here for the art credit.

Wait, finals were today? I thought that was next week. I haven't even started memorizing yet. Oh man, I hope I'm doing really good. Maybe— do they like— wait, I saw that, Mr. Ian!

What are you writing? Theater 3! Welcome to class with Mr. Ian Easley. I secretly care about all these children so much, but none of them can know that I secretly care about them, hence it is a secret. So what will I do to prove it to time? Oh, 40 minutes of the same announcements every day. So when a centaur has a baby, does the baby drink from the human nipples or from the horse nipples?

I've heard these announcements 100 times. Wait, Curtis will do what?

I wonder if I can fit my fist in Is this really what class with Lynn is like? Yes, Edwin.

Beyoncé deserves better than Jay-Z, and we all know that. Do you think Clinton has nightmares about the wire too?

And finally, very personal.

Oh crap, I need to memorize my lines before my bio tells me on stage. Hey Connor, we're supposed to glow with the button. You know what that means? Means—

She's— Of course she's— Of course she asked. Why did you stop me? What did I do wrong? Guys, I'm sitting at the back of the auditorium and I can't hear a word you say. You need to do this thing called projection. Guys, I'm sitting at the back of the auditorium and I can hear every word you say. Quiet backstage. This is me for my sophomore and junior year. So I first started out in theater. I didn't think I was very good at it, so I was surrounded by a lot of talented people. And then senior year came, and I thought, well, good, I can do stuff. I got into MDT, and I sang for them for the first time, and I was really nervous, but turns out I was actually talented, and they liked me, and I thought, hey, I actually am good at this stuff. So, once upon a time, I was aimlessly walking— walking is free— in the high school, and I went into the auditorium, and there are curtains in the auditorium that you are not supposed to touch, so I wrapped myself up in them, and in the curtains there is a smell from the very first show that was ever run called Mary Poppins. They had a fog machine, and the fog smelled like waffles, so I was in waffle-smelling curtains And I realized in that moment how much I absolutely love this place and how much family and home I feel in Harlem. All right, so I got cast as Titania in Into the Running Stream. It was my first lead role, so I was super excited. I put like everything into it. Then when it came to opening night, I was terrified that no one would like the show, but then This is me. I came out after the show, and I heard people talking about how much they enjoyed it and how funny they thought it was. And I realized that theater is good for people and that it's a bright light in people's days. And that was just a huge moment for me where I realized that theater can help people.

Excuse me, I'm looking a little bit sick. It was just kind of an off day for me. I remember something, I had a lot of bad news, and so I wasn't really talking to anybody, and how out of the blue, Eric came over and gave me a hug and told me how much he cared about me. And that really made me feel loved, and my dad's heart wasn't just a class, it was part of the community. [APPLAUSE] This is me my sophomore year. the fortunate opportunity— smile like you do— the fortunate opportunity to be in our region play, "Pillowman," psychological thriller. It was so much fun. I was cast as the killer, so yeah. But it was such a demanding and difficult role to play, and so you can imagine a little sophomore getting in this part and then realizing that, "Oh crap, this is going to be difficult, and I'm not going to get very far with this." Well, when State came around, I had— our show was a success and I had received Best Supporting Actor in State. And it was overwhelming for me to have received an award for something like this. And the amount of love and support I received from all my other peers and classmates, it was also very overwhelming. And that's when I decided that I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. And I will do this for the rest of my life.

So, um, in December we did this activity in Theater 4 called Energy Darts where you basically look the other person in the eye and shoot energy towards them. You have to receive it. So it's all about like putting down your walls so you can connect with your acting partner. That's something that I've always struggled with. And so I was doing this activity with my best friend and I really felt the energy. Like it this really weird feeling and it felt warm. It was crazy. It was so cool to finally know what it feels like to put down your walls like that, and it completely changed who I was as a performer, and since then I've completely opened up.

[APPLAUSE] Ben had no idea what he was doing. All he knew was he was going to theater, and he was going to try it. And he was really nervous, and he walked into the theater room first thing in the morning and met the lovely Hannah Warden, who was the theater president at the time. I looked up to her in every way possible and imaginable. All I wanted to do was be just like Hannah Gordon. Fast forward to senior year now, and I'm failing like 3 classes, and there's like 2 weeks left of school, and I'm stressed. I'm not Hannah Gordon. But auditions for Center Stage roll around, and Malia Gordon walks up to me and tells me that she wants to be just like me when I'm in theater 4, just like I want to be just like her big sister. And I know in one way or another I have become towards magic.

Okay, so this year I was cast as Halima in Midsummer Night's Dream, and it was my first leading role. And ever since I was a little since I was a kid, and it's always been my dream to be a college actress. And as I was playing Helena, it just like hit me. I was living my dream, and I was super happy, and I realized that I was good enough, and I was talented enough to be an actress, and I came on my dream. Freeze tag and I was it, and I was playing with my friend Sophia, and I— the monitor just told us to stop, except for I was like in the process of putting my arm up. Put your arm up. And I accidentally just like— bite on Sophia. And it was awkward for everyone involved, trust me, I would know. And I looked at her and I just went— put down my arm and went, sorry. And my friend was like, friendship is about breaking down all your walls, right Sophia? Spider-Man?

Mustache?

3. Ding.

Alright, this is me. This one's me. This one's Karchner Perkins. And this is the two of us doing our musical theater piece this year at our region and state competition. This was a neat experience for me because I have a lot of fun performing, but I'm also pretty insecure about myself. I think I'm funny. I have no idea if anyone else thinks I'm funny, but I do. And so being able to do this goofy song with my best friend and not only just have a lot of fun with it, but take first place at both the region and state levels and just get such an overwhelming success with it and have everyone love it so much was, uh, really comforting to me and let me know that people like what I do.

So I saw where you're at, transferred here from a charter school. And I had gotten into MBT and I was feeling really good about myself, and I got cast in some small lead roles, and I was like, "Junior year is gonna be awesome! I'm gonna get cast, it's gonna be great!" And Flynn was like, "Psych!" And so, um, junior year came around and I was like, "I'm gonna audition and I'm gonna get cast!" And Flynn was like, "Psych!" And, um, this repeated and I ended up getting cast in absolutely nothing my junior year. And the MBT musical rolled around, it was "You're in Town," and I was super excited and I was like, "This is my chance!" And once again Flynn was like, Sike! And so I got cast as the old lady in "Yaratown." I was literally like the last name on the cast list, last name in the program, like the very last person. And I thought about this, there's two ways that I could take this. I could either be really negative and really put on self-pity, or I could choose to see the best in it. And I ended up creating this monstrosity of a character, and I really learned the importance of acting while you're farther off the honor lines. And this is my mom, who I'm grateful has never been embarrassed to be related to me.

Alrighty, so in Theater 3 last year, we did a unit about stage combat, and, um, Clint was teaching us all how to properly slap someone, and I just happened to be the closest person to him, so he used me as a volunteer. So I got up there on stage, and as he went to slap me, I, uh, Well, I did it wrong.

I did it wrong.

And I guess he was just kind of mocking Flynn, because he was making such a big deal out of it. And as I did that, he kind of just looked at me and went, "No!" I thought it was hilarious, absolutely hilarious. But to me, the whole thing just demonstrates how that's the beauty of theater, that it makes even the most little insignificant make moments just all that much more enjoyable.

So when I transferred into Riverton, I came from my theater family into this whole new theater family, and I felt like I didn't really belong because I was coming into this theater family kind of as their unwanted adopted child. So, um, what I ended up doing one day is walking in late, and I was feeling lonely and sad like always, and I was like, 'Oh shoot, they're looking at me. Ah, they're just criticizing me for being late and all that.' But instead, they ended up telling me how much they love me and giving me compliments. And that's when I realized I was the only one ever making myself feel like I didn't belong. So, once upon a time, junior year, I'm in theater and I was like Wow, I have no friends. So I decided to go to Shakespeare competition. I was like, wow, I hate performing, and it was just awful. But I was on the bus going to Shakespeare competition anyway, and I ended up sitting by myself but in front of Liz. And I'm a really jumpy person, so she ended up like scaring me and jump-starting me the entire way, to the point that I cried. Like sobbing. And for some reason in my head though, that's like counted as having friends. So that's why I'm not a frolicator competition junior year, and that's kind of why I stuck with theater all the way. You're welcome.

Okay, so this is Sweet Talk closing night. That's Gavin Curtis, he's one of my best friends, and this is me. Yeah, um, and so this is me, and it's like in the middle of the show, and I was watching him, I was just doing my thing, going through the motions, And then it hit me how grateful I was for this opportunity. And 2 years ago, I decided I was going to transfer schools and audition for MDT, and I made it, and it was the greatest thing. And then since then, I've been able to share the stage with all these amazing people and so many more. And I made Mr. Eaton and Miss McGuire, and I've just had so many countless opportunities because I just took the chance. And so it was just this overwhelming moment of gratitude for just being brave for one and doing what I needed to. Okay, so this is me, poor little sad sack. I did theater once, but without theater, I'm free. I kind of just kept to myself, and I didn't really just do theater because I had friends there. I didn't— I did it because, you know, theater was a fun class. It just was another class for me, I guess. But mostly throughout this year, throughout like small things like people just talking to me or complimenting me or just laughing at my jokes, I realized that theater is not just a class, it's a community, a family. And I realized all those little things helped make me bigger than that. For me, a big moment when I really felt like part of theater theater family was during callbacks of Cinderella. Miss Green had us all off practicing a song and just enjoying ourselves. And so, you know, everybody was singing their hearts out, and I tried things that I'd never tried before and I didn't think that I could do, and I realized that my boundaries are self-imposed and I could really be part of the theater family. Okay, so for my drama, I'm looking at this recent year at Shakespeare where I got to be on my own in dramatic monologues. Perfect. And so, with my little camera and Jason's drone footage, I can show that I actually did this on my own.

Yeah. So I was cast as Cinderella Umbrella, and it was super awesome. And, uh, halfway through the run, I received a note in my script, and the note said something along the lines of, last year you commented on one of my performances, and it really meant a lot to me, and it kept me going, and I wanted to let you know how much that meant to me, how much I look up to you as a performer. And it made me realize that when we give support, we get support in return, and we're just one family that supports each other and motivates each other to keep going. Hi everybody, my name is Caitlin Schreiner. After I graduate in 2 weeks, I'll be headed down to Brigham Young University where I will be studying communications with an emphasis in public speaking and media broadcasting. Hi y'all, my name is Erin McGuire and I'll be teaching Martha Henderson. Welcome to the audition for my musical called The Rest of Your Life. Don't K, Garrett. Gavin.

Hi, I'm Gavin Curtis. After high school, I'm going to be serving an LDS mission in Osorno, Chile, after which I will adopt a penguin and, much like everyone's favorite Avengers, disappear.

Thank you.

Well, I'm not ready yet.

Liz. Hi, I'm Liz Vandermeer. This fall I will be attending the University of Utah to major in physics. Hopefully I will get a doctorate in astrophysics. That's nice. Hi, I'm Jessica Jacobs, and this fall I will be majoring in mathematics at Harvey Mudd College in Claremont, California. That's nice, Jacob— Jacobs. I'm Sterling Davis. In the fall, I'll be attending Westminster, and I'll be getting a major in theatre studies with a minor in communications.

Mikey, are you ready now? No, I'm not ready yet. I knew he wouldn't be. That's why I stood up.

If I graduate, I'll be serving an LDS mission, and then when I get home, I'll be buying a fridge, taking the fridge out of the box, and living in the box.

Hi, I'm Nate Chevalier, and this summer I'm going to be working as a technical designer at Concord Chamber of Escape Rooms, after which I'll go to college and then off to a mission.

Nate! Hi, I'm Rachel Meekum, and in the fall I will be going to BYU, and then I'll be becoming a drama therapist because that's actually a thing, which I think is really exciting. Hi, fall! Nate! Hi, I'm McKinley Gunther, and after I graduate, I'm probably just going to live at home and write stories because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Right, right, right. Awesome. Mike, are you ready? No, I'm not ready yet. Yeah, okay.

Babe!

Hi, I'm Mary Tibbetts. I will be serving LDS Miss Indy next year, and then after that, I'll be getting a teen behavioral psychology degree from Utah State University. I like your answer. Babe!

I am Sam Nicholson. I'm going to be spending the summer making poor decisions with my friends, and in the fall I'm going to go to SLIT for another opportunity.

Don't end up in jail. Hi everyone, I'm Connor Lambert.

I'm going to be serving an LDS mission and then returning to attend USU, Utah State University.

Are you ready?

I am Kate Morgan and I will be going to Salt Lake Community College this fall, and Rob Bagley is also going to be here for the same thing.

Nice! Next! Hi, I'm Ari Bagley. I'll be going to cosmetology school in the fall, after which I will marry Zachary Levi, and if that doesn't work out, then I'll marry my best friend, Shelby. Thank you! Thanks for coming to class today, Ari. Next!

Hi, my name is Tanner Summons, and this summer I will be touring around Utah performing a stunt show, and then in the fall I'm going to attend Westminster where I'm going to study theatrical performance and dance.

Next! Hi, I'm Sophia Jensen, and in the fall I'll be attending Flint where I will later move on to university to major in forestry with an emphasis in botany. Hi, I'm Abigail Roller, and I'll be going to USU in the fall and riding horses and being a mermaid the rest of my life. Thank you, Miss Lockdown. Next.

Hi, I'm Evan Hulks, and in the fall I'll be attending the University of Utah And then hopefully after a year, I can transfer to none other than The Ohio State University.

Very smart, Adam. Did you guys know he likes orange? Mikey, are you ready now?

I'm rather not.

Mikey, I don't care how dumb you think this activity is, but we're all sharing. Smile! Pay attention!

Hello, my name is Mikey Rowe. After high school, I'll be serving an LDS mission, and when I come back, I'll be attending UVU, emphasis in musical theater and acting.

Thank you. Great job at all of your auditions. Most of you.

For joining us for this special presentation, we come to you this fine evening to introduce you to a product so useful and so marvelous, we can guarantee your money— I'm sorry, we can guarantee your satisfaction or your money back.

That's right, Tom.

Throughout the history of the world, mankind has yearned for one thing and one thing only: to perform classical plays in high school.

But more often than not, high school students and teachers are forced to settle. Instead of performing what they'd like to perform, they instead perform a blessed and classic play, all because of the offensive language or content of their original choice.

Until now!

Peter and May Corporation Incorporated have developed an exciting new product scientifically proven to be the best tool for any theater company in trouble. That product is the Script Cleaner 5000! What?

What's showing? How does this amazing product work?

Allow me to set up a scenario. Imagine I'm the drama teacher teacher at a prep school.

Okay.

And I want to perform David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross, but it's just filled with ugly words.

Goodness gracious!

As a teacher, I would lose my job if I were to allow my students to curse on stage. What should I do?

I suppose you would choose a different play written by David Mamet. What would help you with the curse?

A fire engine!

But no. A different play by a different author.

Wrong again! I would perform David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross!

But how?

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Not under my watch, no.

Darn it all! Gee willikers, Rob, this is somebody's boo-boo. You stupid meanie, but you, Mr. Williamson, I'm talking to you. You just wasted $8,000, poopy head! Jimmy Cricket! $8,000 in one flipping Chrysler. What do you have to say to that? What do you have to say to that, you jerky, jerky jerk jerk? You gosh darn piece of horse manure. How did this happen, huh? You son of a gun. Son of a gun.

Wow, that was amazing.

Oh, it only gets more amazing, Tom. The Sprint Cleaner Bible now features a justly out of language. It has hundreds of other uses.

Hundreds of?

Huh? Have you ever heard of William Shakespeare?

Uh, no, no, I haven't.

Neither had I, until our researchers informed me these arrived with some local renown. But let me tell you something, Tom. Renown or no renown, we receive letters every day from our customers who are very much concerned that this Shakespeare sometimes includes violence in his place.

My goodness.

My sentiments exactly. Which is why we should procure 5,000 lissabelles specifically to scrub away even the bloodiest of scenes. Let's take a look. Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast caused me. Therefore, turn and draw.

I do protest I never injured thee, but do love thee better than thou canst devise. So thou shalt know the reason for my love, and so do Capulets, which may my tender as dearly as my own, be satisfied. O call this thy robust submission, also call it carriage away.

Wilt walk. What is thou with me?

Good King of Cats, nothing but one of your 9 wives.

I am for you.

Gentle Morticia, put that picture up.

A plague on both your houses! My, that was intense!

Oh, it only gets better, Tom.

It only gets much, much better.

Now, Shelley, What about scenes where the violence has taken place offstage, but the audience is left with nothing but the bloody aftermath?

What I believe Tom is referring to is the classic play Medea, in which the title character ends with her two young children, who she just killed. Terrible.

Just terrible. I blame video games!

Now, if your town is anything like mine, Audience members would riot in the streets if they were to see a dead child onstage. Let alone two. The last thing your grandma Blanc wants to see is a nasty case of double onstage infanticide.

Now, Shelley, don't tell me the Script Cleaner 5000 has a solution for double onstage infanticide.

If I didn't tell you, Tom, I'd be withholding the truth. A lie is not what America is about. America's about Trump and freedom! And making sure no one is ever offended by anything. But she's lying. We will show the American people by how making a single tiny script modification can turn the media from an unacceptable piece of garbage into pure dramatic gold. Your boys are dead, killed by their own mother.

No!

No!

What are you saying? You have destroyed me!

They are dead. You better focus your thoughts on that fact.

You in there! Remove the bar on the door at once, so I see my two dead sons and their murderer, that woman on whom I shall exact my revenge!

Why are you shaking the doors like that? Trying to find the children in me? The one who killed them? Well, stop trying. If you want something from me, then say so. But you'll never have to leave your own grounds.

It's beautiful!

Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. What if a member of my cast happens to be a vegetarian?

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Well, no need to fret, because the Script Cleaner 5000 is always a step ahead. You in there!

Who moved the bar on the door once, so I'm missing two dead sons and their murderer? That woman on horseback, by the manor.

Why are you shaking the doors like that? Trying to find the children you mean? The one who killed them? Well, stop trying. If you want something from me, then say so. But you'll never trap me within your grasp. Incredible. I'm telling you, Tom, this product is so wonderful. So incredible and so effective in removing the offensive parts of plays that you'd have to be crazy to pass this on for a lesson.

Oh, okay. Now, Shelley, let me ask you a question. What about scenes that have, uh, you know, uh, relations between men and women?

I'm glad you asked, Tom. As we all may know, many plays contain scenes involving nudity in the act of bathtime intimacy! And as we all know, there is no place for this on a high school stage.

Because high schoolers would never participate in such acts!

Precisely! Which is why Mr. Clearwater High thousands of times to wipe away any scene involving them. Consumption of love! Watch as Stuart Center 5000 works its magic on Tara McNally's award-winning drama Freaky and Johnny in Flair de Lune. Oh, that's it.

Oh.

That's it. Yes. Yes. That's right. You've got it. That's it.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, that was amazing. Was it for you?

That's the miracle of this person at 5,000.

What else can this miracle product do for me.

I'm glad you asked, Tom.

I've never had problems with drugs.

Oh, have I? Well, this, this script reader 5000 can turn such problems into solutions. Never gamble your audience members have to face the realities of drug use. Oh, drug abuse, ladies and gentlemen, not just To demonstrate what we mean, we present a scene from Kenneth Lonergan's critically acclaimed play, This Is Our Youth. The scene you're about to witness involves two young adults in 1982 and their experience with drugs. You stole that money from your dad. I know. What are you going to do with it? I don't know, man. Listen, I got some.

What?

Some blow. Yeah. Is it any Is it good? Yeah, it's good. Okay. That's the strong blow, right? Come on, you know I'm right, man. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, hand it over. Oh yeah. That scene?

You think about drugs? The actor who plays Dennis has Tony Awards written all over him.

Wahlberg is nothing but awards. The world was taken by storm in 1996 by Tony and Pulitzer Award-winning phenomenon called Rent. Rent is a rock opera that deals with a number of issues including Sex, drug use, writing, violence, gay, lesbian, homelessness, suicide, and AIDS.

Those things are bad. Is there any cursing?

Here's Bradley Malone to tell it.

Now don't tell me Street Cleaner 5000 can do anything about that train wreck.

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That's not—

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I'm personally convinced, and I hope that the rest of America is too.

Me too, Tom, me too. Good night, America. God bless. And don't forget, order now!