Two voices debate whether to risk love. Speaker A spirals through fears: he'll judge her appearance, call the waiter by name, turn out to be a psychopath. Speaker B keeps asking what happens if she lets him see her anyway.
I stick with real things, usually facts and figures. When information's in its place, I minimize the guessing game.
Guess what? What?
I don't like guessing games, or when I feel things before I know the feelings. How am I supposed to operate if I'm just tossed around by faith? Like on an unexpected date with someone Who might talk too fast or ask me questions about myself before I've decided that he can ask me questions about myself. He might sit too close or call the waiter by his first name or eat Oreos but eat the cookie before the cream. And what scares me the most, what scares me the most is what if when he sees me, what if he doesn't like it? What if he runs the other way and I can't hide?
From it? What happens then if when he knows me he's only disappointed? What if I give myself away to only get it given back? I couldn't live with that, so I'm just fine inside my shell-shaped mind.
This way I get the best view. So But when he sees me, I want him to—
Mom, don't you think you're being just a tad—
I'm not defensive, I'm simply being cautious. I can't risk reckless dating due to my miscalculating why a certain suitor stands in line. I've seen in movies, most made for television, you cannot be too careful when it comes to sharing your life. I could end up a miserable wife. Oh, sorry girls, but he could be criminal. Some sort of psychopath who escaped from an institution somewhere where they don't have girls. He could have masterminded some way to find me.
He could be colorblind.
How untrustworthy is that? He could be less than kind, or even worse, he could be very nice, have lovely eyes, and make me laugh.
Come out of hiding. What do I do with that? What if when he sees me, I like him and he knows it? What if he opens up a door and I can't close it? What happens then? If when he holds me, my heart is set in motion?
I'm not prepared for that.
I'm scared of breaking open. But still I can't help from hoping to find someone to talk to who likes the way I am. Someone who when he sees me Wants you again.
