10. The Guilt of Building Something Just for You

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated, mind, and proud mental health hospital alumni. Still here, still showing up somehow. This is the space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between, because science silence nearly killed me and these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained, let's get honestly Mental.

This is not where you would expect to find me recording a podcast today, but here I am sitting in the storage room at surf club. It's 6am in the morning, and my children, my eldest, two boys, Graydon and Austin, they're 12 and 10, we come to surf club twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6am and they do surf club training. So in the ocean, running around, doing all the fun things, and It's a beautiful 15 degrees outside today, and here we are, wetsuits on. And for me, surf club is a safe place. When I get out here, when I get to the ocean, it just makes me feel a lot calmer. And this is a bit of an impromptu episode. It's not one that I planned. And I think this is what I really love about having this space in the podcast itself is for moments like this where I've just been through something. It's not huge, it's just a relationship thing that I've got the opportunity to be able to get it off my chest and explore those feelings and what the fuck's actually just going on. So my next podcast recording was planned to be a interview with my husband to talk about what it's been like for our relationship. But at the moment, it's harvest, it's hectic, it's busy, and we just don't even have a minute to talk. And, yeah, it's been pretty wild. I realized this morning that, and I suppose, yeah, shock horror for all of those playing along at home have seen this coming, blah, blah, blah. But it, you know, hindsight is really good and I'm sure it's really good for people on the outside looking in. But what really has kind of broken me over the last few days is the realization of how much I've been fighting for everyone else and for their businesses and for their lives and everything. And I have continued to push my needs and myself aside that even when it's come to recording this podcast. It's, it's not a priority. You know, it's, it's not here. It doesn't make us any money. It's just a, it's a hobby. It's something that Karina likes to do. It's not actually a legit thing. And I'm in the throes at the moment of wanting to put a. Well, I mean, this is what's so fucking annoying about the world, right, is they're saying, monetize your ip, your intellectual property. Entrepreneurs have to do this and you've got to be this person and got to get in front of the camera. And you know, at the moment, I'm producing three pieces of content a day because I'm trying to get the audience and I want the audience because I want people to buy my program. And I think it feels, I mean, producing the content doesn't feel forced and having people be in my space doesn't feel forced. But what feels really odd for me is then asking people to pay for it. And I want to preface, this is not in any way, shape or form me being like, hey, by the way, guys, feel really bad for me by my program, that it's not that at all. What I'm wanting to talk about is the emotions and the feelings that come with trying to commit and do something for yourself and the awkwardness and the emotion that is just stirring in me at the moment. And it just. Honestly, this feels like such a huge moment for me. I feel like I am the Phoenix rising. And for so long I have ran my family's businesses like I ran my mum's news agency for so long I've helped them with high level admin stuff in their current business. And Jared and I have Spotty's Mechanical. And it's never really felt like it's mine because it's Spotty's and it's his face on the logo. And I've never allowed myself to have something that's fully mine and for me to be allowed to go fully in for it. And that's just where I'm really at and I'm really struggling. So back in, oh, I don't know, might have been April May. I'd been watching a few of my friends in the biz world commit to getting new branding and making their brands look beautiful and their brand stories. And they were doing it through this amazing woman who I am just so glad to be able to call a friend, Cass from Emerson Brand Strategy, check her out. And I committed, I Remember I was on the road with Jared, it was seating. We were going out to a customer and just doing some repairs. And I jumped in the ute for the day and I said to Cass, I looked at her website and I thought, I really like, I want to work with this person. She's so amazing. And I looked at her website, I sent an inquiry and I got an email back saying, hey, let's have a discovery call. This will be amazing. I was like, sick. This will be perfect. So I jumped on the discovery call with Cass. I booked because I wanted to be all in because she was all about extracting the brand story, the whole purpose behind the brand, rather than the pretty graphics and all that bit that goes with it. And I thought to myself, that's what I need. I need someone that can help me bring this all together. And to the point where I tried to cancel my session with cash that I had paid for, you know, our brand strategy session. It was a three hour call and I remember sitting in the car just bawling my eyes out. And I messaged my friend MG and I said, emma, I can't do this. This is bullshit. Like, I, I cannot, I just can't do it. And she goes, karina, have you ever thought. I can't remember exactly what she said, but she's. She said to me, have you ever thought that this is you basically, like self sabotaging. And I thought to myself, wow, yeah, you're right. It's because I'm so used to putting everyone else first that this is now a time where I'm trying to block my calendar out for three hours to do something for me that's not anyone else and do it without the guilt. Never done that before because I've always felt like I have to be available to those who need me all of the time. And even while I sit here and I record this, I just. It just brings up so much emotion in me. It's still really hard for me to do that, to prioritize who I am. And it's. It's yuck. Like, I just hate the feeling because it's just yuck. But then I look at the other side of it and I think if I didn't take that brand strategy call with Cass, I wouldn't be where I am today. And all of those hard moments that I've gotten through have put me to where I am today. And I show up online someone who so openly talks about mental health. I mean, heck, that's the, you know, she's honestly mental it's living and breathing. The essence of. She's honestly mental. Showing up online as someone who openly talks about it, but then also living those depths still. And I wish. Fuck, sometimes I wish I'm like, I wish I didn't have the depths, but it just. That's not reality. That's not reality. I never aim to, like, was happy, was sad. You know, I'm happy with, like, I'm okay. I'm actually doing all right. Like, I'm. I feel, like, constantly chasing this need to be happy or this need to be peaceful. I think the real purpose of all of that is actually peace for me is just being like, yeah, I'm okay. Like, happy. Yeah, I'm happy. Yeah. Like, I'm actually okay. I'm not sad. Not sad. Like, happy is not euphoric. Happy for me is like, yeah, I'm okay. Like, I'm cool. Peaceful. Yeah, I'm okay. That's all right. Yep, I've got the dips coming. Yep. Cool. I've got the rises coming. Amazing. But I find sometimes where the dips are is where the magic is for me. And right now, that dip is wanting to go all in with. She's honestly mental to really bring this movement for. Want for a better word to life, to continue to normalize it. You know, every day I am getting messages like this one I got yesterday, just absolutely wild. Hey, Karina. How's it going? Love this. She's honestly mental. I totally feel you are talking about me. Ha ha ha ha. I went to get coffee the other day, and this lady, I haven't seen her for such a long time, and she just gave me this massive wave, and I thought, oh, my gosh. She thinks that I'm someone that I'm not. Like, she thinks I'm one of her really good friends, and I'm. That's. I'm not her, you know? Oops. It's embarrassing. Like, little waves back. And then I'd pulled my car up, and she comes over to me. She goes, karina. And I thought, oh, fuck. She really does know that it's me, Karina. I just. Far out, girl. Like, love what you're doing. It's so amazing. I honestly thought it was just me. And the more I say, I honestly thought it was just me. It's like, this is me, Karina speaking now. It's not even funny. Like, I feel yuck. Because I keep repeating it where people go, it's not just me, but it is legitimately probably. On average, I am having four to five Conversations a day with people that are coming up to me in my small country town saying, oh my God, it's not just me. That is crazy. And that's what keeps me going. So what's kind of caused this massive stir for me this morning is in our relationship. Me and Jared love that man. I'm a very open, emotional, very talk through everything and he's a sit down, have a beer with my mates. Like there's no emotional like elasticity with him, like there's just nothing. But I know because woo woo here I understand his human design and I understand my human design. More on that later. That we are actually complete opposites, but when you put our two human designs together, we actually complete each other. Oh. So where I'm overly something, he's underly, he's just, it's not even there for him. And I can see the big picture of things and he's like, I need to see it on paper, black and white. And I feel and I trust and I know that what we're doing next feels right, but he needs to know that it's right. And so there's this really cool space and I'm obviously recording this and this isn't going to come out for a few weeks, so who knows what the outcome is going to be. But there's this really cool space in town where I want to open a co working space and I think it would be such an amazing opportunity for our town. But for me, I feel if I just go and open it myself and I go and paint a space myself and I turn it into my little office space where I can record podcast episodes and then I can work with my clients, my people. That probably sounds a bit better for me. Like I not clients. Like I can work with my people, the people that want to hang with me and the people that want to like dig through my brain, my brain rot. I think that that's probably going to be a much like, I can't do it when I'm at home because I've got the kids around. Like, I'm currently recording a podcast episode sitting in the storage room at Surf Club while my kids are out on the beach. And normally I'd be in the water with them. Jared's at home and he's about to bring Ruben out here and there's just so many moving parts. And for me, I love that I can create and do the podcast wherever the fuck I am. But when it comes to me working with my people and being in my zone of genius, like I need my own space. So fingers and toes crossed that in a few weeks when this podcast goes live, I can be like, surprise. I'm in my own little space. So I think my hope for it at the moment is to have this space where I've got my own little podcast meeting room. A space where people can come and connect and work and cowork and do whatever they want. And it's just gonna be really epic, I hope and I pray. But I also, this is the other side of it. I have to be really aware of what that's gonna look like for our family. And a couple episodes ago, we talked about the ADHD finance stuff. Like, that's still a thing for me. The money stuff is still. But what I've done since then is I've engaged with Vicky, who's an amazing financial strategist. She's a genius. Like, this woman has worked high level accounting and she's like, I can make this smart for you. And I have never had anyone sit down with me and say, hey, Karina, okay, you just sold $10,000. And I know obviously I've got to put 30% away for tax and I've got a blah, blah, blah, blah, and PAYG and super and all of the freaking things that goes on with a business. I know that I've got to do all of that, but she said to me, let's open up some separate bank accounts. So each week you're doing a sweep. Let's just make this easier for you and your brain and not make it harder. And so I've got that working in the background. I'm working with my friend Chrissy from Grow Advantage, who's HR Ops and all of the rest of it. And she is helping me make sure that all of my stuff is spotties and divilage and all of these other really cool businesses that I'm working with, that all of that operational admin stuff is all streamlined. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to do it because her team has got that sorted for me. And so then it's now actually giving me space to step away from the mud and the grit and the dirt of having to do all of the life admin stuff and the business admin stuff. Something really cool I heard the other day was when it comes to who I am, because in human design, I'm a generator. It's called Work Life Blend, not Work Life Balance. For me, there's no separation between work and life. My life is my work. So it's a work life blend. There's obviously things that I need to do. I need to pay the wages, I need to pay my bills, I need to pay my staff. I need to invest into different things. So for me, it's that balance is not a thing. It's the blend. It just blends. So I work where I can in the surf club storage room upstairs while my kids are out training. And it just is a blend for me. There's no stop start and that's what works for me. In my brain, there's just my verbal diarrhea download of an episode. For today, it's been wild and I feel so much better. I still have this yuck feeling. Jared and I need to have this conversation because he can't see it in black and white that this is what I'm wanting to do. I just have to kind of. I don't know. We had a screaming match and I actually screamed at the kids before I left the house and I screamed at him. And he's now on his way out to surf club with Ruben to drop him off. And Ruben's been sick. Ruben is our two and a half year old. It's just been really a wild, energetically heavy morning. And so when he pulls up here to surf club in a few minutes, I know that I've got to go and just. I'm like, make love to him. No, I just have to go and reconnect with him and cuddle because right now things are very yuck. Like, just. And it's not good. But sometimes you've got to have this big, charged, emotional outburst to then have the peace. Like, literally, it is the calm after the storm. So, yeah, thank you for coming to my TED Talk today. I can't wait to share with you what happens where my life takes me in the next few weeks.

Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mental. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram. She's Honestly Mental. Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain. You're not broken, you're just honestly mental. And all the best people are.