I'm still shit scared inside even after I wrote a book on confidence - Heidi Anderson

Hi, hi, hi, Heidi.

Hi. Um, welcome to She's Honestly Mental.

Thank you. I am so excited to be here because I feel like I am in the day of mentalness. Like, I couldn't have needed a, um, a day, day off more. And then I was like, and then I got a message from you on the way to go to a bushwalk and you're like, see you soon. I'm like, oh, Fuck. And when you said that, I was like, girl, but I'm like, you know what? I need therapy today. And I always say podcasting is like therapy.

Welcome to my couch.

Thank you. And it's free. Oh, so good.

Well, I like to do what I can, you know, wherever I am.

Thank you for giving back.

Um, sorry. Yes. Welcome to my podcast. You are actually my first official guest.

Stop it. Oh my God. Imagine if I stood you up.

Well, Yolo, that's my motto. I'm like, yolo, whatever, she's— it's okay, it's totally fine.

You have to be like that, don't you, like with expectations of people? Because if you put too many expectations of people, you're disappointed.

I think absolutely. And a lot of it actually comes down to having that flexible mindset.

100%. And I think I even had this conversation with my husband the other day, goes, doesn't that annoy you, like when someone did something? And I was like, no, because like I get a choice. Whether that annoys me or not. Now, other things like my son, fucking annoying right now, but maybe I need to do the flexible mindset thing for him.

I think with parenting that it's— you're trying to emotionally regulate yourself and you've got a little human who can't emotionally regulate themselves, and then it's this like power battle of, but I'm fucking struggling, and then you're struggling, and then I don't know how to do this, and it's everyone's first time. So yeah, I can relate.

I might cry today.

That's okay. I feel like I might also.

Uh, free therapy, I told you.

Free therapy for everyone. I started my day, uh, doom scrolling for about an hour and a half.

Oh no, where'd you end up?

Well, so I ended up in the shower eventually. Yeah, but listening to a Joe Dispenza 20-minute morning meditation thing. Yes. Um, I thought I'd been in the shower for a fair while, then the water went cold, but turns out it was only 10 minutes in, so that's a bit pissed. But, uh, he talked a lot about being in that like flexible mindset and, uh, being able to see other people's perspectives, and then also that like victim mentality.

Oh yeah.

So I suppose I wanted to have you on a podcast.

Thank you, and the first guest.

Um, so inspired by you back in the day when you're on radio.

Yeah.

And you had your full meltdown breakdown about your mental health. Yeah. And that was how long ago?

Well, I had two, two big ones that I wrote about in my book and two that changed my life. So the first one was when I was working in Bunbury and we— our show went out to the whole southwest of Western Australia. That was 2011, and that was when I basically told everyone that I hated myself and that went viral, blew up this huge movement called the Love Yourself Revolution, which now is Shed Your Shit. But in that changed my whole life and then it put me on the trajectory of my radio career kind of moved pretty quickly because of my vulnerability and my honesty and openness. And then my second breakthrough— breakdown— was, um, 2016, and we were Capital City Breakfast Radio, the peak of my career, um, on the Heidi Willembaude Show. And everyone thought I was the confident, outgoing girl, but on the other side of, you know, the microphone studio, behind closed doors, I was insecure, anxious. And so decided to publicly speak about it and it again changed my life. So yeah, two, two, two breakthroughs. That's what Brené Brown calls them.

Yeah. Well, we call them mentee bees anyway.

Oh, look, I would just say every day I have a mentee bee.

Look, I think it's very not, uh, normal. Yeah. But I think when I saw that, would you say when you had these little mentee bees, these breakdowns, was there a lot of people talking about mental health?

No. So I was one of the first media personalities in Australia to open up about mental health, like, and that's pretty crazy. So again, being open and vulnerable like that actually was huge for my career. Like, it really was. It was what I became famous for.

Yeah.

Was being open, honest, and vulnerable. Now, like, people cry on social media every day and talk about their mental health and like, I'm all for it. Like, you know what I mean? But then sometimes I'm like, oh, that's too much, girl. And then I'm like, okay, don't judge because that was you 10 years ago.

We listen and we don't judge.

Yeah, but it's funny what shit comes up for you, right? And so I can imagine when that happened, there was a lot of people that were confronted with this. You know, I had incredibly insane feedback.

Amazing.

Yeah. 2 million people saw the video. They put it on our social media page. And like I said, being a media personality in breakfast radio, you didn't show up like that, you know, like it's taken, you know, Jackie O. And I don't compare myself to her at all. I can, you know, Carla Jackie O, the biggest radio show in the country, was, um, yeah, yeah, since broke up, mom and dad broke up. She came out a couple of years ago about her book The Whole Truth, and she pretty much— I could have wrote what she wrote about the things that I've been through, and that's what I spoke about 10 years ago. So I'm not saying that I'm a trendsetter or I started anything, but I just couldn't live that lie anymore like that. And I feel like that's probably why a lot of people are showing up the way that they are. And so I did get incredibly insane, awesome feedback. 2 million people saw it, thousands of messages. And the person I am, I wanted to get back to all of them. So that caused me more anxiety, but I got there. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think there would have been people that would have been confronted by it. And you know, I still have people stop me in the street today. And like, oh my God, you're the girl on the radio, Heidi. Thank you. You changed my life. Or, you know, you helped my brother, you helped my mom. And people finally understood what anxiety was just by the way that I was able to articulate it. And I didn't just come out and speak about it on air that day. Like, this is what— if, if you're listening to a show and it sounds like they're just having a conversation, then we did a really good job at performing. Yeah, because that was our jobs. And so I had wrote this thing about anxiety like 6 weeks before, and I was coming out of one of the darkest times, and I'd felt like I was living two lives. And my boss was the one that said to me, would you be willing to speak about it on air? And then I kind of thought to myself, well, yeah, actually I would, because I feel like if I'm noticing that I'm changing and different and not myself, then everyone else has probably noticed as well. And so, yeah, I didn't. Know what was going to come from that, but it completely changed my whole entire life and was still to this day one of the best things that I've ever done. And so that's why I love sitting on the couch like this, because I'm like, it's such a good therapy.

I just want to say, like, thank you so much for opening and talking, because I know when I was first hospitalized, um, and I know you know a little bit about my story, uh, when I was first hospitalized, there there's just no one. And that was back in 20— what is it? I need to math now. 2018.

Yeah. So a couple of years after I first opened up.

Yeah. And I think too, like back then there was no real like TikTok or anything. So people would be hanging out on the Insta stories and that's where I kind of shared after my second hospital admission that I was in hospital and I again was overwhelmed with the messages from people going, oh my gosh, me too. And I've really been struggling and you talking has made me feel normal. Um, it is like I went to Woolies the other day and I had a lady. I mean, you know, like Esperance, small country town.

Love Esperance. If you ever come to Western Australia, please go to Esperance.

It's the place to be. Yeah. Obviously the only problem is like we discussed before we jumped on was like, it's so far from anywhere.

Yeah.

So for me to be able to come and have these cool conversations, I've got to travel to the places. Yeah. And I don't hate it because I get this. And I don't get this anywhere else. Yes. Like extreme gratitude.

Oh, well, thank you for having me.

Oh, um, anyway, so this old duck who I've known most of my life, I've known of, she's just walked up to me in Woolies. I fucking hate Woolies so bad.

What are you, Coles? Are you a Coles girl?

I just hate shopping in Woolies.

Oh yeah, same. Overstimulation.

It is.

Assholes. I'm an asshole too.

I'm not, I just, it's never, it's particularly like with how much I've struggled with trying to function day to day. Taking not doing the groceries has been such a blessing because my husband's always done it. Yeah. But I'm getting to a point now where I'm confident within myself. I've built those strategies that I can go to Woolies and not have a meltdown. Yeah. And so I've been going lately and this lady stopped me and she goes, hey, are you Corrina? I was like, yeah. She goes, oh, I've been seeing your videos and I just wanted to say thank you so much. How powerful. And I've just. Scone.

Oh, what do I say? Yeah. Is that what— yeah. Is that how you felt in the moment?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's like, can I give you a hug? Yeah, absolutely. You can give me a hug. Yeah. She just went on to talk about, um, how, you know, she's whatever age she is and that no one ever talked about it when she was younger. I mean, even just now, um, I feel like she went down a bit of a rabbit hole with talking about the current climate and some political stuff. I was like, I want to talk about this.

But, um, she was just a whole other podcast.

It is. But she was saying how much it's actually been affecting her. Yeah. And that no one talks about how different things affect or trigger. And I suppose that's like we're making the way to normalize these conversations for people. Um, particularly around your mental health.

Oh mate, I highly agree with that lady. Like, it takes a lot of courage to constantly step into these conversations and talk about it and lead the way because you want to make change. You want to, you know, create better mental health for everyone. So yeah, kudos to you.

Oh, and it was— yeah, it's funny. I feel like I'm getting more of those moments.

I think it's crazy when you become famous and you're like, oh my God, this is what I dreamed of. Imagine being Angelina Jolie.

No, that was all like Baywatch babe, like running down the beach.

Pamela Anderson, here we come.

Absolutely. Which leads into your body confidence. Yeah, that's also been such like, I'm like, kudos to you, bro, for opening up those conversations and novelizing it. I mean, who would actually go into a shopping center and walk around in their underwear? Hard yes.

Yeah, it's mad and it's scary as fuck, but I'll still do it because it's again kind of like the mission that you're on with mental health. Body confidence acceptance, um, for me is still a daily thing. Like, I think when you live in the world that we're living in. And I'm human. I'm not 100% perfect. My brain isn't 100% well, like, do you know what I mean? 100% well 24/7.

No.

And so I have to challenge myself to do things that make me feel uncomfortable and also challenge the status quo, challenge the conversations, challenge what people believe, see. And so one of the things that I do is walk through shopping centers. In my bra and undies. And I, like, to some people they'll be like, go on a diet, like, you look disgusting, you've got, um, you know, what was it called, cellulite. Like, I don't even talk about my cellulite, that's why I don't even know what it's called. Like, you know, there's so many people that might see me that way, but then I think about all the other people that are inspired, um, motivated, wanting to— like, I always think about the ripple effect into families. Yeah, I just Most of the people I target are women because I am a woman. I understand women and I've been through it. Like, I could talk to men and I love them, but I've never walked in their shoes, so I don't understand everything that they go through. And like they say, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. So my target is mostly women, and I just always think of that ripple effect into their lives, what goes into their homes, their kids. Their partners. And, and that's why I want to challenge the conversations around, you know, judging people and seeing people just for their bodies. Yeah, like for me, you know, I spent so guilty— well, I spent so much of my life worried about my body. Like, I can't even tell you, it was fucking sickening. And also I look back and I spent so much time in my head, so anxious because I wouldn't accept myself and I couldn't accept myself and I hated myself. Yeah. Like I genuinely looked in the mirror and I hated myself. Yeah. And so I remember thinking, fuck, I can't do this anymore. And I'd done many different things. And I remember it was my looking in the mirror and I just had my son Memphis. So he's turned 7 in September.

I can't believe he's 7.

I know. What the fuck? Well, I remember having him and I was starting to I'd done a lot of work from my conversations on air of hating myself to all the different things that I'd done. But it was this one moment I was looking in the mirror and I'd just had Memphis. He was 3 weeks old. And I remember sitting there about to judge the way that my body was. And it was so loud. And I was like, mm-mm-mm-mm, you made that promise when you were pregnant that you would never ever spend another day hating on yourself like this. And when I was pregnant, I remember I wore my bikini for the first time. It was like accepting myself and seeing myself differently. And I remember just taking these photos, and, you know, my tummy was hanging over. I had a C-section. I was fucking carrying a baby, full term. Yeah, C-section scar. And I posted it on the internet with a letter to Memphis, and they picked it up and put it like double page spread in the paper and everything. And it was like, what a brave conversation and a brave, um, woman. And I thought, like, thank you for sharing the message, but I'm not— I shouldn't be brave.

No.

And so I guess that's why I continue to walk through shopping centers. Yeah. Because it shouldn't be a brave act to be seen in your most vulnerable, in your everyday, in your body. Like, do you know what I mean? It shouldn't be a brave act. Like, you shouldn't be fucking judging me.

I think similar along the lines with mental health and how people go, oh, there's a stigma around mental health. And I think there's a stigma because people are continuing to affirm that there's a stigma instead of just going, yeah, we just talk about it. Mental health, like I'm having a really down day, like I'm down right now, I'm due for my period or I've got my period or the kids are being assholes. I'm really struggling. Yeah. And it's this, this preconception that it's, it's bad and it's terrible and we shouldn't be talking about it. Yeah. But why can't we talk about it?

Yeah. Like, why can't we have these conversations? And also, you don't have to love my body. It's not yours.

Like, I'm happy if my husband loves my body.

Yeah, but even that, I don't give a fuck. Like, honestly, it's like, it's like, yeah, it's me.

So long as I'm happy, cool. Yeah, happy. That's probably a good thing. Yeah. But like, really, who cares?

Yeah. And I think you have to— it takes work to get there. And like, you know, as I said, I'm still scared. Like, when I walk through a shopping center in my bra and undies, I'm still scared going to the beach sometimes in my swimmers. Yeah, I'm still scared coming to a random hotel here today to talk about myself. Like, but I'll just continue to do these things because I just always think about the ripple effect.

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. And so it's the end goal. What's the purpose?

Is it filling you up?

Is it part of your values? Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's what cuts through the noise of what's going on.

Yeah. Yeah. It was funny. I got a message yesterday, so I've got an ad running at the moment and it's one of the ones of me going on TV in my bra and undies.

Yeah.

And I've just started running ads, by the way. I feel like I've grown up in my business. I was just going to be like, yes, I know. Like, I'm not, I'm not just going to rely on organic. I want to grow. I got to, you know, speak to different people. But it's me in my bra and undies. And this girl just randomly says, who looked so nice? Because if you be an asshole, I'm going to check you out. If you say a nice thing, I'm going to check you out. Like, that's what people do. Just so you know. And she was like, why are you in you're in that on TV. And I went to be an asshole back and then I was like, why not? And then she wrote back a minute later and was like, yeah, I see that's your thing. I love it. Like she'd gone and stalked my page. Yeah. Straight away I was like, defense.

Yeah.

And you know, I'm gonna be angry. Yeah. And then I was like, no, I just, you know, hit her with like, well, why not? Like, why can't I?

I think that's a lot of it.

Yeah.

Who said, like, who said that's the part of the challenging the status quo?

Like, who said Yeah, who said we had to wear clothes?

Fuck off. I mean, I prefer to be naked most of the time because then I don't have to do so much washing.

Oh, see, mine isn't about washing. I genuinely would feel more comfortable here in my bra and undies than clothes because I feel like clothes sometimes aren't that flattering. No. Whereas where I've got to be in my body now, that I could just sit here.

Yeah.

And I would find a way to be more comfortable. Like, not gonna lie, I've bit inflamed lately. I've been drinking more than I normally would, so that will bring up my shit.

Yeah.

But then I also am like, you just gotta— that's the work. Like, keep exposing yourself to the shitty beliefs, to the shitty things you say, to all of the things, because that's where you'll continue to grow, and that's where you continue to accept yourself as well.

And I think, again, victim mentality versus, like, curiosity mentality of how can I— yeah, what can I learn?

Yeah.

Is so incredibly powerful.

Yeah, so powerful.

Yeah, I, I agree. I've actually joked with my friends before. I'm like, yeah, I've got all these cameras, these big light setups because I'm actually doing OnlyFans. I'm not podcasting.

We got to imagine. I've definitely thought about OnlyFans. When business days are hard, I haven't left breakfast radio. I'm like, I used to get people message me and say, could you drop your poo off at the Crown Hotel and pay you a certain amount. Like, I used to get a lot of those, or socks stuff. So that's what I think sometimes, like, could be our thing. I've, um, so is that what we're doing here today?

Well, actually, yeah.

Sorry, it's only bad.

Um, no, so I completely— because obviously you work in publicity and, uh, that's how I've got to know you, through your, uh, pitch Could you make a publicist? That's the one. Uh, that's really cool. I've had some of my own articles.

Yeah, so good.

But again, it is about having that awareness and being able to get the stories out and certainly have the conversations. You don't post your son on social media?

No, not anymore. Used to.

Guilty. I want to talk about that. Yeah, because I've noticed a lot more people are not doing that, and I've stopped doing it a lot. Like, I find it really scary sometimes when you do have people be like, oh my gosh, I saw you, blah blah blah. Like, yeah, it's, it's a lot.

I think the thing is, coming from breakfast radio, it wasn't like everything was on the table. Yeah, like nothing was hidden. That's the truth. Like, to the point that, like, if I snorted a line of coke or whatever, like, I would talk about it because it's like you just didn't want to ever have a skeleton Yeah. And your everything just was on the table. Like, so when I was pregnant, the whole everything we did, like, it was all for the show.

Yeah.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

You forget kind of who you are because everything becomes for the show. And so when I left breakfast radio, we started a podcast called First Time Parents. And so then I remember even saying this, well, yeah, fuck. Like, I got so many brand deals, I got so many things because everyone loves a cute baby. Right? Everyone wants to see like the pregnancy, the everything. So I got really swept up in it and our podcast was number one. It was amazing. Like it definitely was therapy for hubby and I being new parents. Like I couldn't, but I feel like I took the piss with Memphis, my son, and that's due to reflection now and something that happened because I was like showing him on social media and doing all these things because I was so proud. Like he was my first child. He's my only child. He's like, The best thing that's ever happened to me is also the worst thing. Like, you know, like every shitty thing about myself has come out, like, you know, and so I was just wanting to share this little human with the world because I'm so proud. And I sometimes have my rose-colored glasses on, even though shitty, shitty things. Yeah. And bad things have happened to me. Like, you know, I'm abused, everything. And so I kind of had these rose-colored glasses on that everyone was following me, that is okay. And I didn't really think, like, a lot of abuse happens in homes with someone you know, if we're talking about sexual abuse, which is huge in Australia. Yeah. And I never really thought about anyone seeing my son that way online.

Yeah.

And using photos or anything like that. Now he was with his grandma 2 years ago, to be coming up 2 years ago, and they were at the train station. And I'm not saying there was anything— this guy was doing anything wrong or anything like that, but he came over and said, hi Memphis, and hi to my mother-in-law.

Yeah.

And when she told me— that's not uncommon for me to get stopped all the time and like, hey honey, like, love you, there's Memphis, like, you know, whatever, because I'd showed him online. But when she said that to me, I felt this intense shame and judgment, and like I had not been protecting my son. And like I said, he didn't do anything wrong, but he instigated a conversation and reflection within myself. Yeah.

Of what are you doing? Yeah.

Like, how— you're, you're not, you're not protecting your son and your duty as a parent to care and If you are listening and you are someone who shows your kids all the time, there is no judgment from me. No, I am fucking talking like I was so naive. But my friend is Kristi McBee and she's a former child detective and she now is online and has the most powerful, insane, confronting, fucked up conversations that every parent needs to read and see.

I feel like the camera's definitely gonna be able to see my face right now. I'm literally like It just makes me feel sick.

I'll say it. And like, and that's because like I said, I'd seen— I knew so much happened. And then I'm like, and then she said to me, she was like, you know, she never judged me for like me sharing stories about Memphis and photos and blah, blah, blah. And then it wasn't until I just kept consuming her stuff and having these conversations and that happened that I was like, what the fuck? And then I was like, I need to talk about this online and I need to lead the way. Like, obviously there's plenty of people that have led it before me, but again, another conversation that I was like, I'm sharing this because this is what I'm seeing now and maybe you haven't seen it as well.

Yeah.

And I get it when you have a fucking cute kid and then you love them and everything, of course you want to share them with the world. But she does this thing called the dinner table test. And if you wouldn't sit that person down at the dinner table with yourself and your kid and everything, then you shouldn't be showing anything about your child. Yeah. With them. Yeah. And so, and me and her wrote articles that we ended up on, you know, I've done lots of stuff around media with that, but I didn't realize that I was, for me, what I believe is putting my son at risk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's great.

I know. So there's a lot to that and, you know, like there's big conversations to have because what they're doing with children's images and everything, like, of course you don't want to think like that, but when I said I'd wear a rose-colored glass on all my 50,000 followers and over at Twitter and, you know, hundreds of thousands of followers. That people that listen to our podcast and all this kind of stuff, they've all got good intentions. Like, that's what I wanted to believe, but that's not the truth. No. And so, yeah, that's been the last 18 months. And I'm, you know, there's, there's still photos of him on the internet. There still will be photos of when he was a baby and all that kind of stuff. But I am now like, that's just my intention and what I want to do. Don't get me wrong, I've got fucking so many funny videos and I have so many things I want to share. He's such a little legend and I just have to go like, no.

Yeah, I think, um, my kids— there's been these like conversations around children and them coming, like, coming back to bite you on the ass when they're older. Yeah, well, I didn't give you my permission to do that.

Yes.

Yeah, sorry.

Well, yeah, I know, I sometimes think about— and then I'm like, well, you're gonna have a whole podcast of us listening about how we struggled as parents. But I'm also like, what a great fucking diary and reflection for you to have forever of your parents. I talking about their parenting journey.

I think it's so good for people like you and I who are having these really difficult conversations that our kids are going to be so much better off. Like, I'm not being a floft, but like, I guess it's gonna be better than your kid. But yeah, we've got this awareness, and then we've got what I like to call verbal diarrhea, where we just blurt everything out that comes into our heads. Yeah. And we can talk about it, and there's a lot of people that can't. Yeah. Like it's advocating for our children and that generation to have a better kind of upbringing than what we did.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it's really, really hard, particularly if you're not prepared to go, oh shit, fucked up. Oh yeah, backpedal, smooth it out, like work and find a new way forward.

Yeah, I find like I'm so in the midst what I feel like is probably parental burnout of like the same conversations, the same shit. My kid's almost 7, he's not listening, he's changed. And I feel like, um, I've had an appointment with my psych on the weekend because what's happening for me is it's bringing up this whole new level of like shame and like my— me, like I'm a bad parent if he's badly behaved. Like all these layers, or like I don't want him to be mean, I don't want him like— so bring out— I'm been mean to people, you like, so, so many layers. And yeah, I literally, like, said to me on the weekend, she's like, you're a very complicated person. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck's sake, why do we have to have these kids that like bring out all this shit? And it is, it's like, I'm definitely in a phase right now where I'm just like, yeah, but you're making a choice. How do I leave? Okay. Like, would he be better off without me? Like, that's, that's literally the conversation I had in my head. Would my husband and Memphis be better off without me? That's where I'm at at the moment. Because I can't, I feel like I can't, like I'm going through a phase where I'm just like, it's so hard. And I just, I'm like, would just be easier if I just, and not like take my own life or anything, but I'm like, could I just run away? Like, and maybe let them sort it all out and I don't have to carry it anymore. Like, that's where my head's been.

Uh, do you know what? Fair. Yeah. Like, so fair. Yeah. And I've been through that a lot. A lot. Like, oh, so my boys are 13, 11, and 3.

Well, yeah, you can give me parenting advice.

Oh, I don't think I actually can.

I was gonna wipe my tears, but I'm like, I'm just gonna let them, because don't they say, like, you just let them be?

Oh my God, who is they? Sometimes they are dumb. Um, I think my parenting advice would be, I think what you're doing is amazing. I think what you're doing is amazing because you're like, go to your psychiatrist and talk to them about it. Have these conversations and talk to more people about it because I feel like the more normalized it can be— like, at home for us at the moment, it's intense.

Yeah, it would be. Oh my God. Like I said to you, how do you have 3?

Oh, cause they're cute.

They're very cute.

Yeah. They're adorable. They're good humans. But like my 11-year-old, he's a redhead. He's definitely ADHD undiagnosed. Like we're going through the process to do that, but he's like, uh, school ducks. Like he's had his class award every year. He's um, school counselor, you know, like he's, he's, he's like, he's an example, right? And I went to the doctor to talk to the doctor about getting this kid a diagnosis and he's like, this kid, no, he's perfect. And I've gone, you don't know this.

Yeah.

He is just nuts. Like doesn't sit still. And because he, he performs at school and with other people, but then the moment he's home, he is just like the confetti cannon is everywhere.

That was me.

And I think all you can do is just work on you and listening to those thoughts and going, you know what, that thought of me being elsewhere so that my husband and my child would be fine without me is so wrong because they want you there. Yeah. Like they want you there. They need you there. They love you. And I think it would be such a disservice to them, but also to you as a human, if you were to do that.

I know. And you know what my psych said to me as well? Well, it's a fuck. Yeah, they're so fucked.

And like, headline, what the fuck?

That's the name of the episode. 100%. And even I was listening to Tony Robbins and Alex Hormozi this morning, their interview online. And I was, you know, he was talking about the power of words and language and everything. And you do forget because you normalize like what, what language you use. But yeah, it was really like intense this morning of like the thoughts and everything. And then I was like, fuck, maybe I'll just go to the bush. That's what I was like gonna go today and then like just go for a walk and just walk it out. And then I came here and I've had therapy instead, which I was gonna say, my psych the other day, she said to me, say less. She was like, you are carrying so much. And she goes, and you feel like you've gotta know it all. And she's like, why can't your husband fuck up? But like, and it's this perfectionism and this pressure of parenting these days, the perfect mother myth. And she said to me, why don't you ask your husband what you should do? And I was like, oh my God. And she said like, why don't you ask him what you should do with your son? And she said, and say less.

Ah, I, yeah, enough. Honestly, there's so like so much wisdom in that because I know when I'm really struggling and then like I was saying to you, our little boy's been really sick and I had these podcast interviews booked in and I've, Jared's like, you've booked the Airbnb, like you've made the effort to go to Perth, like you're really prioritizing yourself and what you want to do and the message behind mental health and Just because Reuben's sick, it's normal for me to be like, okay, I need to go home. There's an emergency. I need to go. Like, that's where I need to be, not here. I mean, clearly I need to be here. Yeah. But it's that he's just like, if you come home, I'm going to be really pissed because he is that grounding voice. And sometimes it's like, I have to let him say these things.

Yeah. Because otherwise it's like you're in your head. You're so ahead and you're carrying it all.

And you still work away?

No, no, he stopped working away when, um, so we both quit. Like, I quit my job in breakfast radio and he quit FIFO. He was gonna be the stay-at-home dad and I was gonna go back to work, and everything changed. And so we had a point where we were both unemployed as new parents, which is like something that's just fucking—

and I mean, it makes sense then, obviously, if you're like, okay, brand deals and do all this stuff. Yeah, it's like UGC and that kind of—

oh yeah, and we did. And like, I, I'm I monetized our podcast. Like, that's how I made money. And sponsor deal, like everything. So I was getting paid.

Like, I'm just—

I'm— when I gotta fucking make money, I'll make money. Yeah. You know, so yeah, I will. Like, I'll make it happen. I'll turn something into this. Like, I've got that brain. Like, my parents were entrepreneurs, but then I get fucking sidetracked. Honey, I have someone that comes into our house a couple of days a week that helps, which I've just she's just moved on, which is so sad because I love her. But because I got a fucking huge tax bill, didn't prepare for that one.

Yeah.

Um, last lesson, I spent my tax account money and I'm like, fuck, what am I doing? So yeah, it's like, I literally, I was thinking this yesterday. It's like we have so many, like, there'll always be things. Yeah. And there'll always be, um, something to stop us. And all of these things. And I'm just like, it's your brain most of the time with your thoughts and everything that is controlling all of that. Because like we said at the very start, to go back to that, it's like the flexible mindset or the victim mentality.

And it's easy to— I find myself recently just got wanting to go back to that old mindset of where I've been. Yeah, being that— be the blame. Like, I can't be here and do this podcast because Reuben's sick, so I've got to go. Yeah. At home there's a perfectly good support network there. Yeah. Like, he doesn't necessarily need me, but I'm like, oh no, gotta go, gotta go. Yeah, I need to eat because that actually feels safer for me than doing this.

Really?

Oh yeah. I think that makes me—

yeah, see, I think I'm safer outside of the house I do too.

I do too.

I feel like, and I think maybe that's the, that's the thing is it's like, it's really uncomfortable being a parent and it's really uncomfortable thinking that you could be fucking your kid up. And when they're behaving these certain ways and it's bringing up all this shit, it's so much easier to be like, cool, I'm gonna go. I've got a speaking gig in Cairns. Like, see you later. Like for me, I find.

I couldn't agree more. Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I've only just started working from home in the last 3 months, and it's been really weird. Yeah, because even the, the boys' entire childhood, as soon as my eldest was like 6 weeks, I was back at work working full-time. I had him with me because we had a family news agency. Yeah. And then, um, then when my second born, he was only 20 months after the first one, I was back at work like 3 days later, and they were at daycare pretty much full-time. But that was because I felt like I could function better outside of home and being a mum than I could as being a mum. And it's taken me nearly 13 years to get comfortable with, I'm actually a mum and I have to be here. But that's because my mental health is in a much better place. Yeah, I've built that relationship with me, who I am as a human, learned to trust myself, which has been huge. And I've worked with my brain and I'm like, Stable.

Yeah, whatever that is, till you go on Zoom and it says unstable.

I'm like, me or the connection?

Yeah, I'm like, definitely me. Um, no, I think, you know, I, yeah, I, I feel that because I think for me what this whole last 12 months has been about is building self-trust. That's something I still really struggle with.

Yeah.

And it's interesting Again, this psych is so brilliant.

She's amazing.

Well, she's an executive coach, but she's pretty much like a— you can't— like, for everyone playing at home, like, I love psychologists. I've seen many, but I can't even tell you, I've never experienced anything like this woman. Like, and she's in the US. She's fucking amazing. And the conversations that I have with her— now I can't remember what I was going to— where I was going to go with that because I was like, too busy giving the details, which is classic ADHD brain. And then I'll have a brain fart, and usually you have an audience and then they'll go, hey Heidi, you're about to go with this story.

Thanks, thanks for making me feel really normal because I'm exactly the same. I had to give a talk a couple of weeks ago at, um, the Fuck Up Nights.

Oh yes, oh my God, I loved that, it was so good.

And we had 7 minutes and I prepared my talk about an hour before I went on, and I had my talk and my talk was within the 7 minutes, of course you end up like, I digress, and you then kind of like emphasize parts of the story. Yeah. Jokes and, um, yeah.

So the brain farts are real, like, and I think that's something I've learned to embrace over the years because that whole perfectionism isn't real. Like, even though I put that pressure on myself, but working in breakfast radio, like, there is going to be days that I'm not always 100% sharp.

No.

You know, like, I can be quick-witted, I can tell a story in 3 minutes, right? You know? Yeah. But like, I do, I I do, I'll sometimes give all this detail, but then I'm like, fuck, I forgot where I was going with that. So can you just tell me?

I just had this thought, right? You know, um, you're a woman, you're supposed to be able to do everything, but yet women, we've got these really insane hormonal cycles.

Oh yeah, well, I don't even know where mine is at the moment because I'm so perimenopause.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like, that's a whole thing.

That's a whole, that's a whole other podcast, I think.

I think it But what I, what I'm trying to get is that like, we're humans, we're women, we've got these hormonal cycles, we're mums, we're supposed to be performing, we're supposed to have it all together. Yeah. And then when you're not, you're then like, I'm an instant failure, everyone's very better off. Yeah, yeah. And, and that is so wrong that that's how society sees us. Yeah, so wrong.

And it It's so— and you know, I have these conversations with my husband. He's got his own mental health challenges and, you know, um, who he is as a person going through life, a dad, you know, all those things. But we have conversations about this and they just have such a different mindset, like the men. And that's something that, like, I just— I do really sit there sometimes and be like, fuck, oh damn, I wish I thought like you. Yeah, like there's this, um, you know, we are so emotional and like it's one of our most beautiful things, but it's also sometimes our— it's taxing. Yeah, it is. And sometimes like our biggest Achilles heel, like in business and everything. Like just with all this tax stuff that's came up, came up with my husband, like that's why we're having these conversations. And he had to sit down at the table with the accountant and me and And like, he just saw everything so clearly and he's not even in fucking business.

It pisses me off because there's simplicity and like, it's so like, it's really.

Yeah, that's where I sometimes go like, damn, wish I was a man.

I just wanted a dick.

Yeah, that's what I would. I would actually genuinely love to know what it feels like to have sex. Yeah.

As a man.

Yeah. Like just sticking it in and like feeling that.

I just want to like fiddle with it all day.

Yeah. See, I just want to know what that Yeah, what it—

what the vagina feels like. So good. But I find like my husband, when he just like— he doesn't think like I think. Yeah, well, if there's a comparison of like I think, he doesn't think at all. Like there's just no ongoing narrative in the head at all.

Yeah, see, my hubby is— he's, um, ADHD.

Yeah.

And um, he, I would say, experiences anxiety, so he spends a lot of time in his head. Yeah. But the logic that comes from him and like the engineer's brain, just this straight line of thinking that he— whereas I'm like, I'm fucking over here, like, to get to the end goal, A to B, I'm like, okay, yeah, A over here, right up the hill, and then down, and then let's go over here, and oh, that'll be fun going up here, and then He's just like, this is how you do it. You drive in a straight line. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, why can't I be like that?

Yeah. But because they don't go sightseeing. We go sightseeing.

Yeah, we do.

Pretty things to see.

Literally, that's what I'm saying. Like, I want to go to the mountain. I want to go over here and I want to go there. But I feel like it's that sometimes that emotional overcomplicating that we do. And then we beat ourselves up for it.

Yeah. That's where I think the hubby kind of perspective or having that person that can just be like, hang on a second. Yeah. Just come back here for a second.

For a second, ground you into it. And do you know what, I think it's like, we have to give them— we've seen a whole movement of men bashing in the last 10 years. Like, I, I saw it. And don't get me wrong, I worked with two guys on the radio, to, to all these different shows. So I've always had two guys, I've always had, like, you know, always two. And yes, sometimes they drive me up the fucking wall, and I've had to educate them, and they've had to educate me. But there's so much good in them. And I feel like then there was this huge movement of like, let's bash every man online and our husbands and this and that. And don't get me wrong, I see the way that some of my friends' husbands are and I'm like, oh fuck, I would have been gone. Like, I definitely would have left.

Yeah.

Yeah. Um, but to me it's like, I feel, and this is one of the conversations I was having with the psych the other day, is that they're, they're repressed because there has been like for women for so long, that's how we were repressed, not to speak, all the things. And now we've kind of like, we're finding our voice in a different way and it's silencing our partners.

Yeah.

And that's something that I was like, not that I needed to reflect on. Like I definitely with my husband, I'm like with the parenting stuff.

Yeah.

I'm silencing him, not intentionally, when there's so much good that he has to say and like to offer and to like ground me in that it's like, why am I going to all the fucking parenting books? Like, I don't trust this guy. Yeah, like, you know, so I think there's— I mean, there's— that's so layered, that conversation.

But there is so much.

Yeah.

And I think same thing, I think anything to do with emotions, we've been taught taught to internalize. Yeah, you're going to look for the answer yourself instead of expressing it because you're not allowed to express it. And I would say that's probably the only reason why, like, you go looking for the answers instead of going to someone that you trust to be able to talk about it. Yeah, I feel like that's probably the only, like, reasonable logic around it is, again, the generational stuff. Like, don't— yeah, don't verbalize it, don't say it, fix the problem because the way that your child's behaving is terrible. Yeah. Even though, I mean, I've never met Memphis. I would imagine that he's just a normal boy.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Like he is, he is, he is. But I think it's like that, like that there's a little bit of mean behavior going on at the moment, like with boys. And I'm like, it's making me really uncomfortable.

Yeah. Is he, what is his at school?

Yeah.

How old is he?

Like he's year 1.

Yeah.

Yeah. See, I'm like, I don't remember it. I'm like in high school it was horrific and I was part of the problem too, you know, but I'm also like, fuck, they're year one. Like, how is this?

Oh yeah.

But I think it's when you were saying the whole self-trust stuff is that was the conversation that I was having with the psych was, and the conversation where I was going to go is I am constantly looking for, I'd And this is my greatest work at the moment. If anyone's listening to this, it has helped so much in the last few weeks, is just constantly going back and asking yourself before anyone else and sitting. You don't have to sit in silence for hours, but why I was going to go to the bush today was just to get some answers before going and Google, because I could go to ChatGPT. Of course I can. It's been my therapist for the last fucking 12 months. Like, and it does, it gives you that instant gratification, that instant dopamine, that instant answer. But Sometimes that's not what I need. Yeah, I need to self-reflect.

I need to— it's like our mental health version of OnlyFans. Yeah, because it just gives you that, like, here's an answer. Yeah, you look really great today. Yeah, you're having a full-blown mental breakdown.

Yeah, and like, it validates you and does all the things. And like, I didn't realize— and you know, this is the thing, and it's funny, I've wrote a book on confident— being drunk on confidence and my body and everything, but like the— I'm constantly looking for confirmation outside of my body of validation that I'm doing a good job.

Yes.

That I'm doing it right.

Yeah.

That I'm not doing it wrong. And that is why I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall with parenting, um, business, like all of the things. And I can't remember what she said to me. She goes, but isn't that interesting that you wrote a book and that was outside. So you nailed that with your mindset. Good job. She's like, but then the internal confidence, it's not 100% there. And I've always said this with like being a mom and all those things, like I'm not, I'll just show up and try and do all these things, but like I'm fucking shit scared inside. Like, so the biggest work for me is finding that self-trust and not looking out and like trying to find the answers within. And that has been like really helpful the last few weeks.

Yeah, like definitely when I was listening to that podcast this morning, because I've definitely been in my head a lot these last couple of days. A, I'm on my own, you know, B, we've got a sick kid at home. Um, also trying to deal with the tax bill. ASIC decided that they would send us a strike notice, uh, for our company. Um, because I had to pay our ASIC bill.

Oh.

Yeah. So that's been really fun. So I've got to call ASIC after this. Yeah. What's ASIC? Australian Security Investments.

Okay. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was going to say. I do know that, but I'm like, I don't know, something to do with like ATO, but like, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And look again, I should know this. Yeah. But yo, um, I was thinking of like ASIC shoes.

Yeah, I've got it. ASIC's gonna give me a strike. But it's, uh, we've got like with our company, with our, as we sell machinery, we've got a line of credit with a certain company that we put like our machines sit on there until we sell them and then we pay for it. And I got an email from my Monday going, oh, by the way, um, we've just got a notification that, uh, ASIC have put a strike notice against your company to deregister it. And I'm just like, what? And within the same 10 minutes I got got some pretty shitty news about a family member, um, and then I was driving to Perth with my friend, and then about 5 minutes after that she gets a speeding fine. So I was like, I'm having a great Monday. But when I was listening to— like, this week I'm like, I'll just go home, I feel safe, I'll be better at home, it'll all be fine. Yeah, I was listening to this podcast this morning. Joe was like, we get up in the morning and we reach for our phones. Yeah. I have to not do that. So it's like we don't have any time with ourselves because we're always within this external validation. And I know I'm so much better when I have that quiet time. And it doesn't have to be journaling or it doesn't have to be anything. It's just literally like, just sit with yourself for a minute and allow your body to try and regulate.

Yeah, I've been trying to write down at the end of every day, just like the thoughts and everything that have come up and One of my big things is what dysregulates me is sometimes the emotions come on so strong, obviously like a child, because I never dealt with them when I was a child. And so now it's like, you know, I'm going through a lot of grief with my dad with dementia, and so there's a lot happening. Yeah. And then the questioning of wanting to be a parent, you know, doing a good job, all that kind of stuff. And so every day I've been trying to write down my thoughts, and that's helping like a lot. Just like no judgment. It's like there. And this is the thing we're working on at the moment. It's facts and feelings. Yeah. And it's like, is this a fact? Like, or are we attaching a whole story to this thing that's actually not even real? Yeah. Which is what I'll do. And, you know, I'll— so that's been really helpful. And then I can never say this, but it's like, it's this beautiful Hawaiian forgiveness, the ho'oponopono.

Yeah, ho'oponopono.

I feel like I need to get it.

I'm like, I've listened to it before.

Oh my God. Okay, try doing this. So, um, this—

it's like, I love you, I forgive you.

Yeah, so try doing that in the mirror for 7 minutes.

I've, I've tried before and I've listened to it and it is really, really—

okay, it's the, um, how do I say it? Ho'oponopono.

Send me the link to it. I do like a little show.

Can you get to hear this?

Yeah, hopefully. Oh wait, why is it not playing? Well, because you have to press play.

Oh.

Welcome to Corrina Rawlinson's therapy session.

It's the best fucking song. Wait, what's she saying? Oh, of course, the bits that I go to.

It's intense.

It's so good. And, um, Davey, he's an incredible coach here in Perth, and Davey Rowe. And he was diagnosed with cancer at the start of the year, given 3 months to live.

What?

He's done this most incredible men's relationship work in Perth. He didn't know who I was, but I found him and I was like, always followed his stuff. And he was like, nah, get fucked, that's not, that's not my story. And he's now reduced tumor by like 78%. And we went to this, he had this most beautiful, um, so he's been doing all different things and you'll have to follow him to go and get all that. But he wanted to do this service here at where we are at Scarborough. And it was basically like we opened ourselves up to help heal him. And one of the things that he said is in his darkest time and when he had to move through a lot of shit and self-reflect and find that self-love and that inner strength He listened to that song every day in the mirror and looked in the mirror and just sat there. So I've been starting to do that. I get out my little yoga seat and I just sit there and then I just write down what comes up afterwards. Yeah. And it was so crazy how these intense emotions and like catastrophizing and feeling and anger and all this shit that was coming up. And then I sat there and just just like had to nurture myself in that moment as well and just really see myself. Yeah. And that was because he— like, I'd done stuff with that and forgiveness, and there's a beautiful meditation with that song as well. But he was saying that when he was having this beautiful service for himself, and I was like, okay, I need to do that. Yeah. And he reckon it's healed him in so many ways. So for me, that's one of the things that I've been trying to do is like just a little bit of that every day. It doesn't have to be like 50,000 things because high achiever, ADHD, fucking trying.

I tried to build out a dashboard today for like some like KPIs and all of the, you know, the business things you've got to do. And then Claude was like, uh-huh, no, we're not doing that because that's what your brain wants you to do, but really you're just procrastinating. And I was like, fuck you, okay, sure. Uh, but love that. But it is, you know, the high achieving thing. It's like we've, we've put ourselves in these positions. And I probably just like self-reflection for me is I work with Courtney Rawlinson. Yeah. So she's been my like coach astrologist for 4 years.

Love that woman.

I love her. She's the best.

We love you, Courtney.

We do. She— last, our last coaching session, she's like, okay, you're in Aries season. It's a season of becoming. And I talked about this in my last podcast episode, was, um, I just spend so much time in this like, gotta achieve, gotta do all the stuff, that I forget this person, like the body that's actually doing it. And yeah, I'm not respecting the body or trusting the body or ignoring those thoughts because thoughts are just thoughts, they're not facts. Yeah. Then I'm like doing disservice to me, and it's like no one— I can't show up for anyone if my cup's empty. Yeah. Um, but also then we've got so much on our plates, and it's like, yeah, cool, take something off our plate, but then immediately there's like, I've got so much to jump on.

And it's—

yeah, it's just taking those micro moments for you as a way to like ground back into like, actually, I am okay.

Yeah.

I'm doing okay.

Yeah. And it doesn't have to be that hard. And I think sometimes it's like That's the whole, like, getting from the A to B, not the straight line. Like, oh, but it's got to be like this, it's got to be like that. And then it becomes like the pressure. And, you know, like, I love going to the beach every morning, and Memphis and I go to the beach, but it's changed now because he's nearly 7. So it's not this, like, I can't just chuck him in the carrier or the pram and we walk and I get my walk in and then I get my swim. Oh yeah, it's like now, well, not even that, but it's like it's what he wants to. Yeah. And so it's like, okay, yeah, Mum, I want to go get a toastie and I want to go sit there. And I'm like, okay, cool, I'll take that. But he doesn't want to do the walk anymore, so I've got to drive and I'm fucking 600 meters from the beach. But like, there's so many things that— and then I'm like, that pressure of like, oh no, but that was my morning routine, it has to be that certain way. That I'm like, am I actually even doing this for joy, or was I doing this because it then became like And I think that's something to remember, like when you're looking after your mental health too, it's like we evolve, we change, and that's okay for all of the little, you know, micro moments and things that you do for yourself to change and evolve too. And like, I think that sometimes we forget that and then we're like, oh my God, we're failing. We haven't done this and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, well, no, just remember that you're doing these really you like, you're doing really good things. Yeah, for yourself. Yeah, enjoy it.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Because I find sometimes I don't always enjoy the, like, the things that I'm doing for my mental health, and that's when I'm like, reflect on that.

Yeah. And I, I suppose, like, back to Courtney, because bless her soul, Miss Sweet Lady, And I said to her in my last session, it was like, she goes, you know, I'm become— like, my— I had to write out these pages of I am becoming affirmations or statements. And I get halfway through, I'm like, I'm done now. She's like, no, you're not. I was like, I'm done now. She's like, no, you're not. Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing. But the reflection for me after was— yeah, my brain's done the thing— that the reflection for me after was that if I want to be the person that I'm becoming or the person that I want to show up as, I do kind of have to perform. And there's certain, like, yeah, rituals or things that you need to do to get to that place. Like, there is unfortunately a little bit of work that you've got to do. Just the same as if you want to go to sleep, you actually have to perform sleep. Yeah. And it's like, well, if I want to be this person and I want to show up like this and I want to have a life that's— yeah, I said you kind of need to do a little bit of the work.

100%. Like, I literally had this conversation yesterday because just even in the whole parenting thing is like Memphis wanted to win the cross-country.

Yeah.

And I was like, well, to win the cross-country like you did last year, you, you winged it. And yeah, winged it the year before when you came first. So he came first last couple of years. So everyone's like, he's fast, he's fast, got to beat Memphis. So he has this thing like he doesn't have to try. We get to the day and he was like, well, I really want to win, Mum, but yesterday I came 5th. And I was like, well, have you been training? And I said, we spoke about this. We've asked you to go down to, you know, you've got to practice, you've got to mindset. I drove him around yesterday morning after our coffee and he listened to a visualization of running and all of these things, and he came 5th. And he was like, it's your fault. And I'm like, oh, it's not. But I said, I'm trying to teach you, like, if you want to win, like, you got to— and this is like for our mental health— if we want to win, we have to do the things to set us up to win. And that might be performing some things and doing it. And this is what I like, literally the conversation that I had yesterday, because I'm like, for me to be the best speaker, I've been fucking weird. Like, I'm lucky I've got a broadcasting degree. Of course that's helped. Yeah. You know, I've put together, I've invested and all that, but I don't fucking practice. Like, I get paid and I go and I do a great job and I'm passionate and I care and I've built my keynote over the years, but do I practice every day? No. And I said that, so how am I going to be the best? So what, do I just think that I fucking deserve the best? And it's like the same with our mental health. Like, yeah, we have to put these things into practice.

Choice. Yeah.

To be the best version of ourselves.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's a choice.

Yeah, it's a choice. Yeah. Um, I definitely know— I remember when I was in a psychology session a long time ago, uh, probably about 18 months or so after or before I was admitted the first time, the psychologist was like, you've got all this stuff going on in your life, like a job that you hate and you're showing family and you're not like prioritizing yourself. And he's like, you've got a choice, right? And I was like, yeah, I do. But I think at the time I had, I was like, no, I don't really have a choice. And I had to kind of accept that at the time I wasn't in the headspace to be able to make that choice. And I still struggle with it now, but it's, it's that, yeah, like you have to start showing up for yourself. And prioritizing you because no one else can do that.

No. Yeah. And I think just to like bring it into all the choices too, like just even his year 1 teacher is like constantly like, you have a choice, choices, choices every day. And I'm like, it's like, that's, that's life.

Yeah.

And you know, for me to come here today, I could have sat there and gone like, hey, Corrina, I'm not in the right headspace and this and that and blah, blah, blah. But I was like, no, you committed. And that's what you want to do. You want to speak, do more podcasting, you want to do this, you know, it's free therapy, you know, you'll feel good. Do you know what I mean? And so sometimes, like, sometimes, and sometimes the easy answer is to say no.

Yeah.

And like, you know, as much as we were in this world that it's like, say no and have more boundaries. I feel like sometimes that we've gone so far the other way. And I know that's been for me. My friend Simone, she's also a client, she's written a book about loneliness. And it's interesting how we're living in such a disconnected world and our mental health, that it's actually a loneliness thing a lot of the time through your actions of saying no. And so it's like, is it a boundary or is it like, you know, because laziness, like, um, disconnection?

Well, it's sometimes easier to sit in your own shit.

Yeah.

Yeah. Even if it stinks.

Yeah.

Yeah. Like that's, it's, yeah, I feel it. Like it definitely would've been easier for me just to go home and I wouldn't have had to have done this and shown up. And really then I'm just, it's a disservice to me because again, it's another like rip of like, oh, look, you fucked up. Yeah. Um, instead it's like, okay, no, let's do it. It's uncomfortable. It's different.

Yeah. Yeah, give it to yourself. Yeah, well, and that was the same with me. I'm like, right, you're not going up north today, you're going down to Scarborough, and then you can get your swimmers. I've got them in the car. And I'm like, just go for a walk on the beach afterwards and go for a swim. Do it. Like, so I think, yeah, we, we get a choice, and I need to listen back to this podcast and, um, hear my own words.

Well, it should be, um, live like next week. Amazing. Um, but I just probably want to recap in a sense and be like, what, are you joking?

Do you need a recap? I fucking don't know what I said.

No, I said a recap in a sense of like, okay, Heidi wrote a book, Drunk on Confidence.

Oh yeah.

Right. Um, and what you are saying is like in this big perfect world on the outside, you look amazing. On the inside, you still like, I'm fucked.

I'm still like everyone else. Absolutely. Like, and this is what my whole podcast is going to be about, is I'm shit scared, but I did it anyway. Yeah. And that is literally like— I wrote a book on drunk confidence because I was the girl who was always drunk on champagne, feeling really confident. Like, I love drunk Heidi. Yeah, she does not give a fuck. Yeah. And not like an arrogant asshole. Sometimes an arrogant asshole, but like to the point that like there's nothing in my head except fun and joy. Unless I'm drinking red wine, I've got lots of stress going on, then I'm a bit of and I can feel it and I'm like, no, okay, you need to not have any more because you're getting cunty. Yeah. And but 98% of the time, if I have 2 glasses of champagne, I am the fucking life of the party. And most people are. Yeah. And so I was like, that's who I want to be all the time. And it's like, you know, talking about that version of yourself and stepping into that. And so I did. I wrote a whole book about that and I'm proud of it, but I'm not 100% cured. Of not being insecure, of not, you know, judging myself, and not all of the things. Like, I'm still a human being, as I said at the start, and still living life, still exposing myself to shit that makes me uncomfortable, being a parent every day. Like, do you know what I mean? So, but I think the difference between myself and most people is they'll choose the easy option and I won't. Yeah, like I will go, okay, fuck, as much as it's uncomfortable, I don't want to fucking do it. I'm going to do it. Like I'm going to do another live show. Oh, it makes me so uncomfortable. Like, but I'm going to do it because I love it. And the feeling on the other side, I'm going to do my podcast even though I'm shit scared to put myself out there again. It's been so long.

And I find that funny that you're shit scared to do that again when I'm like, you've been doing it for so long.

Yeah, but you know what I like? I had a number one podcast. It was amazing. It was first-time parents. We fucking had none of this amazing shit. Shit, set up, we used to record on our iPhone and it was still number one. It was like insanely successful.

Yeah. I mean, I don't even know where my podcast is on the charts. Like, I don't even know if it's on a chart anywhere, but like, I mean, I hope one day that it is popular or whatever, but more so because of the message behind it. I just, I'm like, I just want it to be around the messaging. My husband says to me, he's like, yeah, Corrina, like you've invested so much money in it. We probably need some money back. And I'm like, I think for me, it's this. Yeah, it's having those conversations. Like, you can't put a price on that. And I get messages all the time from people saying, thank you for talking. Yeah, it's made me— like, I was in a really dark place and I listened to your conversation and it's made me feel better.

And I'm like, uh, yeah, exactly. And like, it's— that's the impact and that's what you want to do. And I think like that's got to be the driver. And I think for me it's like I had the success, but then I've also had the disappointment of like a shitty like 200 views a month, like 200 listeners. And so for me, it's like when you go from the success to like, you know, that feeling of fulfillment. Yeah. And then now it's like, is that it? Like, and so with that, with my other one, that's why I'm like, oh, I'm so scared to put myself out there again because I don't want it to fail.

But if you don't put it out there, you don't even, it's not going anywhere, mate.

Exactly. So it's safe. But like, it's coming, it's coming. I just got to set up the tech and and all that kind of jazz. And do you know what I was going to say to you is definitely find out the numbers where you sit with your podcast, and definitely do that. Because anything that I know through therapy, not just couch therapy, my podcast, is the stats don't lie in that when you're avoiding it, like, you can— if you're avoiding it, you can't make it better. No, like, and you can't impact more people by what you know. So it's like, that could be your driver. It's like, okay, only— it might only have like, you know, 500 listens a month, or it have 500,000 listeners a month. But like, if you stop avoiding like the thing, then you can, do you know what I mean?

Like, I do.

I'm like, I heard this story this morning from Claude also, but I'm the same because I realized like with my tax and everything, like what I'd been avoiding was like what I actually needed to know. And now I'm like, oh fuck, I understand my numbers even better. And now I feel confident, which I didn't realize. And so I used to hate numbers. I hate fucking weighing myself on the scales, like all of those things. I used to be that person at the bank, like, account, and I would never get a receipt. I would never look on my screen. So the reason why I'm saying that is it's definitely been really helpful for me to see it, to grow it. Like, yeah. And that was like what was so exciting. If I knew the amount of people that were listening to First Time Parents at the time, because I was avoiding it, like, I just think what I could have put more into of that validation and that like, holy shit. Like we could have made that really, like we didn't understand. And so that's why I guess it's like, especially when it's so important like this, you know, the people listening, they don't give a fuck about the numbers, but they need to give a fuck enough about your why. And that is to like help people and, you know, make mental health like not this big scary thing that it's just just the everyday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think definitely—

I know, I, um, like Steph and Tim from 6 Years School, like with the weekly KPIs, I have been tracking like the downloads for the podcast. Yes. But as for like looking at charts, I haven't done that, so I definitely will.

Because do you know what, like you would be up there. Like there's not a lot of mental health podcasts still in the world.

No.

Yeah, like, yeah, you would definitely—

my husband and Celeste, who works in our office doing our parts, they're like, when you're famous, can you remember us?

And I'm like, hell no, see, I'm getting divorced.

I always joke that if Jared had to choose between me or Celeste at work, it would be Celeste because she can look up parts and I can't. I'm like, it's, it's all, it's a green thing and it's, yeah, I don't know. I have no idea. So, um. And yeah, I just, I was like, I would only be famous if you two were actually still around because I can't go and have these conversations with Dad.

That's— Yeah.

Yeah. That's beautiful. Heidi, thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks for having me. It's okay. I'm really, I'm just, I'm really grateful. And thank you for being another person that opens up and talks about this because it's, it's needed.

I hope you enjoyed the ride. Oh man. That we just had.

It wasn't OnlyFans, I promise you. Me later.