My Mum Rage Is Back And It's Not A Coincidence

Hello and welcome to episode 25. How exciting! I've had to make sure this morning both cameras are recording, the sound is recording, and I've got a tiny bit of a little different setup. I have been obviously working with my coach, my podcast coach Chris, and he's like, Corrina, the way that the podcast mic is, like Obviously if you're on video, you can see this, but normally I have it like setting on a mic stand and it kind of like cuts across my face. So then when we're doing the short form content, it doesn't like, it just doesn't fit right. And he's like, move it. And I noticed that when he records, he actually just holds onto it. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. So yeah, if you're watching, you can see me holding my podcast mic myself, but also I've got all of my gear. It's a recording. I've got my phone sitting here in front of me, my big light, and it is 7:10 AM Tuesday morning. Uh, we had a public holiday here in Western Australia yesterday, and normally I would record on a Monday. I was trying to record on a Thursday or Friday, but it just really wasn't working for me with life. And this week also, I'm away Monday— oh, I'm away Thursday, Friday. So I'm like, no, I'm just going to record the early, like early in the week when it fits, when it suits to make life easier. And so during the week I try and take notes of things that pop up for me and yeah, it really helps because then I like start to like riff on things in my head. So I don't know, that's a little bit about my podcast backstory. Uh, so this morning, like I said, 7:10. In the morning, I've been up since like 4:30. Jared went to work really early. He's actually driven over to Hopetown, which is about 170 kilometers from here, and we're still in the middle of seeding. Things are hectic, things are busy, and he's hardly been home. But it's okay, we're just in this season. I need to write on my to-do list to make some dinner for the kids today. So that they've got that sorted for tonight so that he doesn't need to worry about it. Yeah, so a little recap is we all know— if obviously this is the first time listening, welcome, uh, for the followers that have been around forever, we know that I've been trying to come off of lamotrigine, the mood stabilizer, and I've been off of it now for about 6 weeks. And some of the things that I've really noticed is I definitely get a lot more cranky. Like, I am a bit feisty, and I've also reduced my antidepressant as well, and it's, it's a bit tricky. Like, it's really tricky. I find I get a little bit more in that mum rage state because I'm overstimulated, and I'm so used to having this medication support and hold my body and my brain whilst I deal with the overstimulation. And now I'm having to work through that myself. It's a bit tricky, and it's also a bit confronting because I'm like, this is not who I've been for the last 6 years. I haven't had this mum rage popping up for me. I've just had it— I haven't even had it. It's just not been a thing. And it would be— a lot of stuff would have to happen for me to be in that mum rage state. And now it's it's quite easy. So I'm finding myself very frustrated by— and I feel like this sounds so pathetic, but it's like, as mums, is it not the shittest thing in the world that it's, it's on you to do the washing? I mean, I say cooking loosely because I don't really cook, but you know, it's like, it's on you— wash, clean, keep the house tidy, keep the washing folded, put it all away. You know, it's, it's on you. Like, there's no one else because your husband or partner is generally out doing the work. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, but single parents, hats off to you. Like, I don't know if I could ever do that. I'm sure I could, but far out, like, it's a lot. Like, that's that The mum rage, I find, is a result of the overload of our system. Our capacity is so stretched. And then you— I mean, even this morning trying to come into the studio to record, you know, I have to flip it from the kids' playroom to my studio and then to my office later to record, and the floor's dirty and there's iPads and there's chargers and there's just crap laying everywhere. And I, as I'm trying to set things up this morning, I'm thinking, oh, I really should go and get the vacuum to do the floors before I do this. And then I'm looking at the clock going, okay, well, it's, it's 10 past 7 and I need to be able to get lunches made because Jared left so early. I need to I'm just like sitting here distracted watching Austin, my 11-year-old. He's got— we've got this Skylight camera calendar thing and it's got their tasks and stuff on there. Anyway, that's a whole other thing, but I'm like, what is he doing? Anyway, never mind. But that's exactly the thing. I've tried to like set up a system so that I can sit out here and record. I normally record for about half an hour and then whilst I'm then getting the kids ready, it takes about 10 minutes for each camera to upload the data onto the hard drive, about 5 minutes to get the sound up. So I'm like, okay, well, that's another 25 minutes, half an hour for me to get all of the, the files loaded onto my hard drive so that then it's okay. So 7:15, half an hour to record the podcast, another half an hour to get the data on. So that makes it about 8:15. Get Reuben to daycare, get the big kids off to school, and then I have got a to-do list today about a mile long, and it just just keeps adding up. Like, there is so many things. And I know that if I then leave this space of recording and go out to the children, I'm already moving 5,000 miles an hour, and they're just like, hmm, can I watch Paw Patrol? Or, you know, Mom, what are we doing later? And, ah, and this is where the mum rage pops up, right? This is where you're so overloaded, you have nothing left to give. You know, they're always saying, make sure you fill up your cup. And it's my— Courtney, my beautiful coach from Seeking Wilder, she's like, only give from the overflow. Only give from the overflow. And that's been a bit of a life-changing thing for me because they're saying fill up your cup, like, fill your cup. Do a bath, do a journal, go shopping, do a massage. Like, do the things that fill you up and then only give from the overflow, because that cup of yours is yours. That full cup is what holds you. And I think what is like— that's your baseline capacity. Like, if your cup is empty and your capacity is spread, you're gonna be shitty. And it's actually okay to be shitty because I see it as a signal that that's when I need to chill out. And so yesterday we'd had a really big week. There was a bit of a blowup. If you've been following along in the saga of the go-karts, it was a bit of a blowup at the beginning of the week where I got called out in a way that I truly appreciated, but it wasn't in the context of someone just being like, hey Corrina, you're blah blah blah. There was some situations, obviously, like, I can't say a lot about this because I need to like protect myself because I know that there are certain people that can grab this information and take it and use it against me, but In the sake of transparency, there was a situation on the weekend and the way that I handled it, I believe was the right way. I still believe it's the right way and I stand by that. It was the right way. But because I've been the person that's not stirred the pot but brought awareness to situations, and there's a lot of people that don't like that I've brought awareness to these situations, it's made it really tricky for people to see beyond the pot that I've stirred, and they just see me as the threat. And it's not my intention. Like, I know that I always say, 'Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.' I feel like that's a Dr. Seuss quote or something. And I know the people that know me know that I come from a place with really good intentions, but then I know the people that don't know me think that I'm coming at them and attacking them. And I would say fair, because I'm so passionate, it will come across like that. But also, I know that if someone would say to me, like, obviously in last week's episode I spoke about being triggered and how then when my friend messaged me about posting social media stuff on her own social media account, I felt triggered from that. It's like when you're coming and saying to someone what's been going on for the last however many years is not okay, and also it doesn't align with the constitution or the bylaws, or these kinds of behaviors, like the governance conversations that have been held around, they're going to be defensive. So they're going to be thinking that I'm the lion and I'm trying to attack them. And really what I've been trying to do is bring light to the situations that have been happening and So when I got called out on the weekend of this week, I'm— I've only been trying to help, but unfortunately because of what I've done, people don't see that me helping. They see, oh, Corrina's off on a tangent. And I've really been in this place of like, this is why people think that people are crazy. Because I'm not actually crazy, I'm just really passionate, really, really passionate. And sometimes it's really hard to stop myself from acting from a place of passion and realizing that my tact and the way that I handle things is not the best way to do it. So again, leaning into the curiosity, leaning into the learning, like, what can I do? How can I better myself? How can I— what can I take away from this situation? The kicker for me this week was when I was told, Corrina, you're not helping yourself. You are not making this any better than what it needs to be. And it's because of my delivery. And it's hard to hear that. And I lost my shit to the person that said that. I was like, are you absolutely kidding me? Are you right, mate? What? No. Can you please find Reuben's bag? And we need to make lunches. When that— when it was said to me, you know, you don't help yourself, I lost my shit and I was like, no, like You're saying this to the person that has shown up, who's brutally honest, even when I mess up, but you're allowing other people to actually do the wrong thing. I'm calling out the behavior, but I'm not doing the wrong thing. I'm following the rules, I'm following the guidelines, I'm following the procedures, I understand the processes, and you're saying I'm not helping myself. 'But what I'm trying to say is you're allowing this. These people are allowing these behaviors, and they're saying that it's me.' And my message to the person that said it to me the next day was, 'I don't disagree with you saying that I don't help myself, right? But my best intentions have always been for this organization, for the sport, for the competitors. And it's, it's hard. Like, it's really hard. I could keep fighting for the change, but a quote I read today, and I thought this was so incredible, was there's this account on Instagram that I absolutely love called We Think Deeply. There is a couple of Instagram accounts that I really love. One's the Relatable Wall. Oh yeah, it's We Think Deeply, Freak Van Litsenberg. And he always does these posts that are like 11 sentences that broke something open that needed breaking. If everyone in the world wrote down their problems and put them in a hat, would you risk grabbing one or keeping yours? If you sink to the bottom, don't come back without the pearl. Who could you be in the absence of your concerns? Maybe the goal is not to become unbothered. Maybe the goal is to become grounded enough to feel things without being ruled by them. Yes. Maybe the goal is not to become unbothered. Maybe the goal is to become grounded enough to feel things without being ruled by them. That me in a nutshell right now. To be able to feel these things without being ruled by them. Yes. You don't have to be extreme, just consistent. Oh, okay, this is the quote that got me this morning. If everything you offered wasn't enough, offer your absence. Salt isn't on the menu, but when it's missing, you feel it. And I think that I've had to really say, look, yep, sure, I'm not helping myself, I get that, I need space right now, but I will also be here if you need it. However, I won't be in certain situations or involved in certain conversations anymore because I know that being in those conversations, one, they rule me too much and I don't rule myself, you know. Like, I let the conversations and the things that have been said really get me, trigger me. And I know that at the moment I need to pull so far back to allow my nervous system to settle so that my response is not over the top and I can be grounded before I come back to it. And I had so many great conversations on the weekend with people. You know, one person said to me, I just shut up and I don't say anything. And I, I have to disagree with that so much because when you shut your mouth and you don't say anything, you are not honoring your true self. Right? But then, on the other hand, if you open your mouth and say shit just because you're thinking it without thinking about the context or the situation— and don't get me wrong, I am so guilty of this— but if you just open your mouth and verbal diarrhea and let that shit out, I don't think you've really taken into consideration the context of the situation and how that may be received. And not in the sense of— I know with ADHD and mental health disorders and anxiety situations like rejection sensitivity dysphoria, you can overanalyze the conversations. But I think it's like, what I'm trying to learn is when someone says something to me and I want to just like It's, it's listening to be heard instead of listening to listen. I don't know. I don't even know if any of all of that that I just said makes sense, but it's like, what I do know is that if you are saying, I just shut up and I let them speak and I I just so disagree with that. Like, we should be allowed to be able to voice our opinions, voice our thoughts, knowing that the person that we are speaking with will listen to listen instead of listening to be heard. And that's the kind of person that I'm trying to be, is to be the person that will listen to listen instead of listen to be heard, because I don't want to be the person that's constantly like, gotta come back or got something else to say about it. Like, I just want to take the information in, but then I need to find a way to handle that information and process it. And see, this is my brain. I'm like, I need to find a way to handle this, the information, process it, and then try and do something with it. Do I need to do something with it? I don't know. I don't know. But these are the kind of conversations that go on in my head all of the time. It's like this constant, like, round and round and round and round, and it just doesn't want to stop. But these are the thoughts that ruminate in me, and it— yeah. So that's just a bit about the person that I'm hoping to be and the person that I'm wanting to become. I've just pulled out my phone because I wanna— I've got some— gosh, I just looked at my calendar and I was like, freaking heck. So I remember now where I was going with that conversation. Yesterday I woke up and I was in a shit of a mood. I was cranky AF, and I've not been like that in such a long time. It was early. Reuben was up early. Jared was trying to sleep. I was on my phone. I've really struggled to read books lately. I haven't been able to pick up a book and read for the last couple of weeks. And I don't know, I'm like, is that because of where I'm at at the moment with the podcast and building the community and launching my pro— my program? Is it because I'm trying to carry different businesses at the moment, or is it because I'm not actually allowing myself to rest? And I think it's the last one, but we've just been pushing And we had a huge weekend. On Saturday, I did like 19,000 steps. We were out at go-karts all morning. I then went and played hockey and we won. Yeah, the Emus! Woop woop! Uh, then went back to go-karts. You know, Saturday was also Anzac Day, so I was up at 4 o'clock. We went to the dawn service. Like, there was so many things that happened and a big late night, and then the same again Sunday. And so then of course yesterday when I woke up, I was fried, absolutely fried and done. And Jared was out, he was doing some things with friends and doing a couple of odd jobs, and he had Reuben with him. And I just was so shitty, I was dark and pissed off, and I was like, when are you coming home? This is crap. And I don't like to be that wife, and I really try not to, but Yesterday I was cranky and I shared on TikTok that he'd put me in a timeout and sent me to bed. But after that, he still wasn't home and I was even more shitty and cranky because I thought he would have come home and like we could have hung out a bit, but it wasn't. I even tried to go out to the gym to get my workout, my workout done, and I tried to get onto the app and I couldn't get onto the app and I couldn't see my workout. And even putting on the loud, like banging music, it just did not get me going. Like there was nothing. It didn't matter what I did yesterday, I could not get myself out of the funk. And then I realized at about 1 o'clock I hadn't eaten. I hadn't eaten. And I think that's probably a really big thing, is that when we forget to do the basic things in life— eat, put nutrition into your body, get some movement in, drink water— we forget. We, we show up and our response is like, ah, total rage. Yeah, mate. Yeah, you can. That's for you. And so I was raging yesterday. I was so raging, but then I also remembered that I probably hadn't taken my medication the day before. And a couple of these, you know, all of the things, all of the, the weights of being a mom and a person and a human had started to pile up on top of not eating, on top of not sleeping very well, on top of not resting. And of course, asshole me came out. That was the result of not prioritizing myself. So I'd eaten and I went for a walk to IGA because I needed bananas. And by the time I'd gotten home, I'd started to calm down a bit. By the time I'd had my lunch, I was even more calmer. But you know, it was 2:30 and I'd spent most of this day raging and I hadn't even fueled my body, and my body was literally screaming at me going, you're not supporting me, you stupid bitch! Like, what are you trying to do? I'm out here trying to like provide for you and carry you through the day, and you're just not even feeding me. What are you doing? And yeah, I was like, I'm so sorry, body and brain. I should have actually really looked after you. But, you know, lesson learned, lesson learned. Oh, so I think with where I'm at currently, the pressure that I'm feeling with creating this movement with the podcast and showing up, I'm okay with it because what I'm doing is for me and it's for my life and what I'm trying to achieve. Whereas in the past, I've really burnt out because I'm showing up for other people. I think if someone was like, oh, hey Corrina, I need you to like, you know, you know, it's been for me in the past, you know, I've, I've done all of the social media, all of the marketing, all of the volunteering. I've volunteered until like, I feel like I have volunteered for so much of my life that I probably don't need to volunteer for the rest of my life because I've done so much of it already, but I will still because I love it. But it's me showing up for me, and the pressure of showing up for me instead of the pressure of me trying to show up for other people doesn't fill me up, whereas me showing up for me does. And so I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the pressure that I'm putting on myself. I've still been eating the same foods for the last couple of weeks. I've been exercising. I need to add that to my to-do list, to go down to Sports Power and see if they've got one of those barbell-like pads so that when I get in the gym tomorrow, I've got like the padding. Otherwise, I need to buy one when I'm in Perth this week. But I'm still showing up for me, and it's been so good. It's been— I'm happy and I'm so content where I'm at. But I wanted to, just before I wrap up, today's episode was Last week when I recorded my episode, I wrapped up and I got off the phone and I had a phone call from my husband's cousin. And she's the most sweetest person. I have always loved her, and I'm sure that she's okay with me sharing this, but she rang me because she became a mom last year. She's I think— I don't know if she's the same age as me or younger. I don't know. Anyway, she struggled with addiction for a lot of her life, and her vice was amphetamines. And I've always known, because of what I've been going through with my own mental health and the systems and what I've seen with others, that a lot of mental health issues or addiction issues are from people trying to self-medicate. And I— blows my mind because it's actually probably cheaper to go and get amphetamines off of the black market than it is to go and see a psychiatrist, see a psychologist, see a GP, than to go through the testings to be able to get diagnosed, to then be able to get a script legally, than what it is to just be able to go and get it and know that it works for your brain. Like, it doesn't make sense to me that that is the world. Like, it just doesn't get me. Anyway, she was on her way last week to go and see a psychiatrist for the first time. She's done a lot of research because she wanted to find someone that would listen to her story and see her as a whole rather than as someone who's had an addiction. and she, she's, she's like, Corrina, I'm on my way and I am going into this conversation. I've never had this conversation with anyone before. I'm really nervous about it. And I just thought to myself, I know where I need to look to find something that can help me whilst I go through this process. And it was your podcast. And I just knew that if I scrolled through, I would find something that would help me in this moment. And I'm not sure what episode she listened to, but she found an old episode. And that's why she was ringing. She's like, what you're doing, what you're saying, what you're sharing is changing people's lives. Like, I'm going to this thing so shit scared, and I was able to scroll back through one of your episodes, find something that I knew was relatable for the situation that I was in, and it has helped me get me here. Like, and I just wanted to ring and I wanted to thank you for having that space for me. And that's my why. That is my why. That is why I show up, because You know, she lived through addiction for 7 years. She's then become a mom, you know, like me. You, you see all of these moms that have all of their shit held together where they go to daycare and they go to mother's group and they've got all the beautiful pre-made home-cooked meals and all of the little things and the bags are pretty and they've got everything that they need for the kid and the spare nappies and all the rest of it. Like, for someone with ADHD, for someone that struggles with their mental health, with someone that is not a neurotypical brain, to do those kind of things is really, really hard. And I'm not saying that mums that show up with all of the right things may not experience the same kind of things, but I'm just speaking from me and my experience that I'm never— or I have really never been the mum that shows up super organized or has all the meals, because my whole story is that being in the kitchen, even going to Woolies those are the things that I have really struggled with for such a long time. Now I've dealt with my emotions, I've come back to myself, I've learned more about myself as a human, that I've been able to then be more organized. You know, for the last 3 weeks I've been cooking and preparing the same meals for me so that when I go out, I have to take my meal prepped meals with me. I'm still not doing it for the family, but I'm doing it for me. And I'm like, you know what, if I'm doing it for me, that's fine. And if the family are just getting whatever I can grab out of the cupboard and it's pre-made and it's unfortunately full of additives, that's okay. That is okay because I know I'm looking after me and I know the more that I look after me, the more I'm building up my own capacity to be able to give to them, that eventually that stuff will come. So yeah, thanks for tuning in to another amazing episode. I love you guys so much. I love showing up and I love being in this space, and it is such an honor. Talk soon.