I've Been Raw-Dogging My ADHD. I Wouldn't Recommend It.

Hello and welcome to episode 27 of She's Honestly Mental. Um, far out. Mm, just taking a moment to like gather myself and feel free to do the same thing at home if you're listening. Just take a breath, take a moment, uh, because That's exactly what I've needed to do. Two secs, need to adjust the camera. Oh, that's better. So of course, if you're listening, you can't see it, but today I'm in a different location. I'm back up in the city, and it's been a while since I recorded in the city. Far out, probably like, oh, October last year, uh, I did a couple little podcast epies in the city. Um, but we're back up here because I'm going to FIVE on Wednesday. What? I am so excited, I can't wait. But I'm also quite equally gutted because I'm supposed to be going to FIVE with my best friend but unfortunately she is too unwell to travel. So, uh, my plan was to come to Perth to be able to smash out some really cool guest interview potties, some little convos, and I wanted to bail. I've so badly wanted to bail on myself this last week or the last couple of weeks because there's a lot of fear coming up, there's a lot of self-doubt coming up, there's a lot of who the fuck are you to even think about being here, showing up and doing all of the, the things, being a podcaster, spending money on yourself. It's like, it's really scary, and all I want to do is get in the car and go home. Just want to get in the car and go home, go and be with my husband, go and be with my kids, and just, I suppose, like, wallow in the 'it's too hard and it's too much and I'm not allowed to show up and do these things.' However, um, that's not why I went through all of the pain. That is not— for me to go home and to be with my husband and my kids, even though it is hard at home, we've got a little one has a flu As always, you know, you go away and they fall sick. And then of course the big kids have got all of their extracurricular activities— football, hockey, swimming— all of the, all of the things that we do to kind of keep them busy and off the streets and not being silly and doing dumb shit. And, um, yeah, I think if I was to just go home, I would feel really comfortable because that's what I've done forever. But I also know that if I go home, I'm letting myself down, and I'm just adding evidence to the 'you're not good enough and you can't do these things, you can't show up and you can't have a really good podcast and you can't have these really good conversations and you can't hold space for these women that are you know, within their own mental health journey. Like, just not giving myself permission to do that, and I think that's really selfish. That's a really selfish move of me. So I got to the sea yesterday. I've brought all my food. So for those following along at home, I've been on this nutrition and meal planning exercise journey for the last almost, oh, I think we're a month in now, and I've been eating the same foods day in, day out, and I'm actually loving it. I'm really loving it. I've had a couple of meals out with friends and I've been able to kind of pick whatever I want off the menu, and I've made really good choices with that, and my body feels really good and it's really grateful. And then in the gym, I've been pushing myself really, really hard like insanely hard. And it's funny, my coach Ash, she's like, girl, like she goes, sis, what was that? What was that bullshit? Are they 1 kilo weights? I'm like, they're not 1 kilo, they're 3. Um, and she's like, well, you can do more. Okay, I'm sure I can, and I have been, and I'm so proud of myself for doing it. Had hockey the last couple of weekends and I'm pretty sure I said on the pod a few weeks ago that I wanted to be able to run a full lap of the hockey oval. Whilst, whilst we were warming up for our game on the weekend, I got halfway around the track, the field, and I was like, oh, I'm halfway, I've run halfway. And then we got— I got three-quarters of the way and I was like, I cannot do this anymore. And I stopped and it was okay because I got three-quarters of the way around the hockey field and I'm only like four weeks into the season. So I'm just— there's— I don't— I think, I think because I've been coming off of my medication and reducing it, I've also been trying to raw dog my ADHD. I would not recommend that. For me personally, I would not recommend it. And I know that if I was talking to a friend and they were telling me what So it's like, hey Corrina, um, what's been happening lately, bro? And it's like, well, I've been coming off of all of this medication and I thought I would try and raw dog my ADHD. You what? You've not been taking your ADHD meds? Well, no, mate, like, I just— I thought I'd just give it a go, you know. I've been trying new fitness plan and nutrition plan and You know, thinking like, I should be good, like my body should be good, right? No, bro. No, bro. Your body still needs that support, right? So what the fuck do you think you're doing? Well, yeah, okay. So when I got to the city yesterday, I received some pretty shit news in the car. Two pieces of shit news. Um, and one of them happened to be that our company has had a strike put next to it. I was like, well, that's lovely. Um, and it's because— we're guessing because I paid our ASIC fee late and I didn't actually know that it was overdue. And of course, when I saw that it was overdue, when I got notification on Friday that was like, it's overdue, pay it immediately. I paid it immediately. And then yesterday got this notification from one of our suppliers to be like, yeah, we've just been told that there's strike action and you're going to be deregistered. And I'm thinking, what? How has this even happened? And I'm like, Corinne, you've spread yourself way too thin, like incredibly thin. And I know that I've spoken about it before. It's like with your plate, with how, you know, your plate is full and you try to take stuff off your plate and then there's just this rotating pile of shit that just is like, oh, empty spot on the plate, bang, finds a spot on the, on the plate and You literally just like, it's, it's, it's never ending. And so it's like sometimes you need one of those microwave covers to go over your plate to be like, okay, I'm taking some stuff off, taking some stuff off. And whilst you're taking this stuff off, the cover's protecting from anything else going on there. I'm using this analogy because there's literally a microwave cover over on the sink there, but I was like, oh, that's such a good, good idea. But so I've, what I've realized is raw dogging. My brain without that mental health support, without the medication, is a really dumb idea. Because I found myself the last couple of weeks just really with nothing, nothing in the tank, nothing left to give. And when I've stopped and looked at what I've been doing other than all of the usual things, plus this new program, plus changing the way that I eat, going to Woolies, doing my groceries because Jared's been working so much. Like, the woman who's sitting here on this couch is the woman who quite happily now goes to Woolworths, and that's not the woman who started this podcast in September last year said, I don't go to Woolies, I do not do the grocery shopping, my husband does all of that. And now, more than 6 months later, because we're in May— where the hell has that year gone?— I happily go to Woolies. Happily. Well, not happily, but I mean, I will go. I meal plan, I prep, I write a shopping list, and I go. And I do the groceries and I come home. Oh, I'm so tired. And 9 times out of 10— now lies— majority of the time, I'll even put it away and then I'll cook something. And I'm thinking, who is this woman? What is she doing? And what is this magic? But what the magic is, is that Whilst the stigma is no one likes to be on medication, the reality is that we actually need it because the medication halts you whilst you're building the new neural pathways, whilst you're learning new habits, whilst you're retraining your body and your brain on how to survive. That medication has helped me go to Woolies, has helped me do basic things, like basic bitch jobs around the house. That's what it's done for me. And I think you absolute idiot for thinking that you didn't need it anymore. I'm not saying it's always going to be the case, like I'm not saying that I'm always going to need it, but Why am I denying myself the quality of life by not taking it? Hello? Like, is this thing— is it on? Anyway, I've been in struggle town, and yesterday when I got to Perth, I messaged Jared and I said, I'm not dealing with my Tilly. And he goes, Do you think you're going to be able to do the things that you needed to do in Perth? Because for me being here, it's a really big opportunity. Like the conversations that are going to be sitting on this couch in the next couple of days are going to be really, really freaking cool. And I am just proud of myself for giving me that opportunity, but I wouldn't have been able to do it without the support from the people around me. My sweet friend Cass came around last night, and I haven't seen her in ages. And Cass— Cass from Emerson Brand Strategy, she's amazing. Uh, she's like, Corrina, it's been nearly 12 months since we wrote brand strategy. Like, what have you been doing? And I was like, well, nothing. And she's like, right. We need, we need to, we need to be moving. Like, why, what, what is holding you back? And it's literally me. It's literally me holding me back. It's literally me denying myself the opportunities to be able to take this further, like, to be able to go harder. And all I can do is apologize to myself for not being kinder to me. Because I've done nothing but put myself down. I've done nothing but remind myself how shit I am when it's not actually true. And it's the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result. Except I feel like I get to this point with a project or with a job and I just go Oh no, I can't do it anymore. I'm done. Like, I need to go to something else because I'm not making money, or I'm not home enough, or I'm not showing up enough. And it's my body's way of going, it's actually safer to sit in this fear than it is to go and do the thing. So yeah, here I am doing the thing, showing up, even though I really wish that I was home in my own little comfort zone, but I'm not. I'm here instead. I'm growing, I'm pushing my boundaries, growing my edges, and I want to go home to my family on Thursday and be really proud of everything that I've achieved in the next 48 hours instead of wanting to go home right now and getting home and being like, oh, look, see, Corrina, you failed again. So yeah, I wanted to share some notes from one of my sessions with Courtney from Seeking Wilder. She's like, this was the last one's stuff, and I wrote it and it's beautiful and I love it, and I wanted to stop writing because my wrist was hurting, and she's like, keep writing. Keep going. And I'm like, um, so Aries season, if you're into astrology and all those things, is in the I am energy, that like I am becoming. And these are the things that I wrote in my journal: I am becoming a baddie, a bad bitch. I'm becoming a $50K a month founder. And I think it's like Okay, I'm not even going to like try and justify any of this stuff. I'm just going to read what I've wrote. I am becoming a strong, fit woman. I am becoming confident in myself. I am becoming a world leader in women's mental health in lived experience. I am becoming an author. I'm becoming a creator. I'm becoming a content human. I'm becoming the best version of me. I'm becoming someone whose freedom to spend my day is prioritizing me. I'm becoming someone who is dedicated to myself. I am becoming the CEO of my dream life. I am becoming my own number one. I am becoming a fucking goddess. I'm becoming a peaceful and grounded being. I'm becoming stronger in my mind. Hold on. I'm becoming someone who trusts themselves. I'm becoming the embodiment of what I teach. I am becoming me. I'm becoming a woman who values herself. I am becoming a woman who inspires and encourages others to honor their mental health. I'm becoming someone who honors and respects their finances. I'm becoming true to me. I'm becoming a practical being. I'm becoming someone who slows down with intent. I'm becoming someone who thrives on the hard work because she loves it. I'm becoming someone who sees the fruits of her hardships. I'm becoming someone who prioritizes her connection with her husband. I'm becoming someone who enjoys relaxing at nighttime, and I am someone who closes her computer in the evenings. And when I had this session with Court, she was like, okay, so this is your daily check-in. Does it align to your self-worth? Does it align to your freedom? Does it align to connection? And does it align with the embodiment? And then it's a question like, how was— like, how, how was I showing up in a place of self-worth? How was I showing up in a place of freedom? How was I showing up in a place of connection? How was I showing up in a place of embodiment. And I can definitely tell you, over the last month, I haven't been, not at all. And so it's like going from this place of having to do it all to I get to do the stuff for me. It's like self-worth for me is doing my nails, getting my facials, getting my hair done. Taking my meds, doing the work and investing in it. Connection, cleaning the table, sitting on the couch at night, coloring, cooking and chatting, and just being. I can definitely say I've been nailing the cooking. And freedom, choosing to nap or rest and being able to say yes or no without guilt. More moments like this. And then the embodiment is showing up and talking about my journey and doing the work. And if I was to look at all of these things on here, I could say I've done the self-worth stuff. Like, I've had my nails done, I've had my hair done, I've had my facials, but all of it with guilt. Have I been taking my medication properly? No. No, you loser. See, I'm like putting myself down. What? Why? I said to Jared the other day, and like Graydon, my eldest, I was like, I just feel like I can't sit still at the moment. And Graydon's like, hello ADHD. And I just looked at him and I was like, okay, smartass. And I just haven't been doing the actual genuine things that I've needed to be supporting myself. Like, I just, I'm like, why? Why? So the buck stops here, my friends. The buck stops right here with me, because again, I can be in this victim mentality. At home, it is stressful right now, but I need to try and find the beauty within that. The beauty of Jared working so much at the moment is that I've been able to spend so much time actually at home, in the home, cooking and cleaning and doing the mundane. And yeah, we've got a housekeeper and she's amazing, but we only have her a couple of days a week and the rest of the week it's all on me. And how lucky am I that I get to be in that place, that I get to work from home? And I really want to step like more into this bad bitch energy of being like, I'm a baddie, like I'm here and I get to have fun and I get to enjoy and I get to make the most of this. And there's a lot of messy stuff that I still need to tidy up in my life. But I want to strive to be this person that is proud of who I am, not to make anyone else proud, not to have anyone else be like, oh my gosh, Corinne is so amazing, because honestly, I want me to be proud. And I think, I think when I forget that. It's so easy to get lost in the noise. So it's a bit, as the kids would say, it's a bit on. It's a bit on. But I thought I would share some really fun things. So on these like misadventures that I've been taking to Woolies, because really, who actually likes going to the shops? No one. I went into Woolies a week ago, and I'm just minding my own business, got my shopping list on my food, my meal plan, and like what I need. And I'm going through the aisle, and this lady stops me, an older lady, like, and I'd say, oh, 70, maybe. Oh, I'm like, oh, I hope I'm not like— yeah, but I'm gonna say I'm guessing that she's 70. And she stops me and she goes, hey, you Corrina Rawlinson? And I was like, yeah. She said, oh, I've seen your content, like I've seen your videos online, can I just give you a hug? And I'm like, yeah, of course. And she just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for having the conversations. Because for someone of my age and my generation growing up, we weren't ever allowed to talk about this. We weren't ever allowed to say that we disagree or that we don't— that we're not doing okay. And I just want to thank you for doing that. And I'm like, wow, I felt like I was in an alternate universe. And I don't— I still don't know how to react when people say these things to me, and I don't know what the right answer is. But yeah, it was really nice to be stopped by someone. I mean, she's not a stranger, Like, I've known this— known of this lady most of my life, I would say, because of, you know, living in a small country town and the industry that my parents have had businesses in. And, um, it's— it was really lovely. And then on Saturday, I had to do a quick run to Woolies because Jared was working. Like, it was really late. Saturday was not a great day. Um, and he's— I was like, it's okay, babe. I played hockey and then I umpired hockey. I'll run to Woolies. I'll grab what we need and then duck home. And we got— I, I'm like going through the checkout and this young guy at the checkout's like, hey, like I've seen you. I've seen your podcast. It's so amazing. You're amazing. Oh my gosh. You do so good. And I was just like. Thank you. Thank you. So yeah, it's like, it's a lot. It's a lot. And it can be really quite overwhelming to have people being like, yeah, Corrina, like you've got a really cool podcast and it's amazing. The conversations are really cool. And there's been a lot of content go out from the podcast. This last month, there's been nearly 60 snippets of the podcast on people's screens and feeds. And now the content's going to be changing because we're leading into a new offer. And even with that, with the new community that we're building, I'm thinking Is this actually a thing? Like, is this actually what I want to be doing? Like, I do want to be doing it because I think it would be great to be able to facilitate an online community with women. But I also think, am I wasting my time? Is this another project that Corrina thinks that she can get off the ground and get it working? And I've just wasted more time and more money. Is this a story that's going to repeat itself continually for the rest of my life? And I don't think so. I really do think that this time it's different. And all I can do, as with anything, is go into this next phase, this next step, and just lean into it with curiosity. Don't land in that victim mentality. And just go with it, like trust the process. And at every stage I feel like along this path I've gone, oh, how can I fuck the process up? Oh, we're not gonna— we're gonna be like late on getting our content done, or we're gonna be late on getting our homework sent through to the launch team. And I just think enough, like enough is enough, Corrina. Like You've got the shit there. Yes, it can be hard, but you also know ways to make it easier for yourself. So just do that shit and actually show up for yourself, but then for everyone else around you. And I've— I'm ready. I've got this sweet little Airbnb to myself for the next 2 and a half days, and I need to make the most of it. I need to make the most of it. There's been funny memes around lately that I've absolutely loved, and one of them was, uh, girl's got ADHD but also can't fold the washing or do the laundry, or it stays in the machine for 3 days, yet can build a business in 3 hours. And I thought that could not be any more accurate of who I am as a person. I'm getting better, like, obviously I do try really hard to keep up with the laundry and the washing because I know the pain of like if I don't. But build a business in 3 days? Absolutely. I can't even tell you the amount of days that I'm sitting at my desk and doing all of my work and I ideated 5 different businesses that day. LOL, funny. So yeah. I'm gonna get off the couch, I'm gonna get set up, smash out some work, make my breakfast because I'm starving. I've left my cacao at home and I'm not okay. I brought cacao nibs and I don't think it's going to be the same, but we'll give it a crack anyway. And, um, yeah, get this potty up online for y'all to stream. Uh, I got an abusive message— not abusive, it was funny— from a friend of mine I, last week, like Monday, Tuesday was not great Headspace days. Even Wednesday was not great Headspace day for me. And my friend sent me a Snapchat and she's like, took the day off work today to clean my house, went to look for a new podcast episode and there isn't one. This is not okay. And she's like, I don't care if you're having a mental breakdown. I don't care if you're having a medibee. Where's my podcast episode? I need it. So I apologize. For it being late, and I will ensure that that doesn't happen again. Anyway, peace out, friends. Bye.