24. Triggered Or Victim. You Get To Choose.

Hello and welcome to— what are we up to? Episode 23? No, are we? I feel like we're up to episode 24. What? Uh, this girl is on fire. What an absolute tool, honestly. Um, I love that you all listen to this because you know that I am so funny. No, but I know that you will appreciate it. And, uh, it's like, I'm like, Corrina, who the hell are you? Who are you? What are you doing here? Like, you have no business being in this space. But here I am right now. I am obviously sitting in my lounge room. For those listening at home or wherever you are, I'm sitting in the lounge room. I have made sure today that my microphone is working, that because last week the sound wasn't working. It has literally just been— this week, this last week has been a month, which has been cool, and I'm, I'm so excited. I'm really proud of myself for what we've gotten through this week, but it feels like it's been a month. Uh, we are school holidays, so it's Monday today. Reuben is at daycare. The big kids don't have school because it's school development day today, and, um, I actually am chair of our school board, the primary school, Knowlton Primary School, where our boys have been going. So Austin's year 6 there and Braden's year 7 at the high school, and we're doing a bullying review today of the bullying policy. So I of course will be going to that this morning, and I'm like, I've got to record a podcast, I need to get my gym workout in, I've got to just meal prep some things, and of course still parent and get these things out But I've been trying to remind my children that when I'm podcasting or creating content or standing at my desk and most of the time on my phone, I'm actually working. And that's— I'm like, I said to them the other day jokingly, I'm like, when I'm famous and I'm making money from all of this, don't ask me for anything. You know, like as parents, you're like, don't ask me for anything because I've worked so hard. It's been, been quite a moment. School holidays I find very, very triggering because I'm overloaded. Honestly, I'm like a wild woman trying to record a podcast while the two big kids are out there. They've got a list of jobs to do, and it's, it's a list because I've stepped out every single thing that they need to do, like go and collect all of the dirty washing, then sort all of the dirty washing, then put a load of washing in the machine, and then collect all the clean washing, sort the clean washing, make room and breakfast, make your beds, and So I don't know how well the sound is going to be today because we've got Paw Patrol blaring in the background and you're going to hear the children yelling. But welcome to my life. Like, it could not get any more real and raw than today's episode, I don't think. So last week I spoke about how I've started this new program with Kitty and my coach Ash from New Strength and Win It Life. And I can honestly never say that I have been so compliant with a meal plan in my life until last week. And it was so good that towards the end of the week, my brain was feeling really clear, my energy levels were huge. Like, on average, I'm still so obsessed with my Whoop app. It's So, so amazing. Just having to fill out my journal. I have had every day last week except one day in the green on my Whoop app. Like, that is insane. Graydon, you do it! Maybe if we you know, like the cool kids would do this, but it's like maybe every time I have to tell my children to do something whilst I'm trying to record a podcast, we should have like a shot of vodka. But I wouldn't promote that because, you know, that's not healthy. It's like maybe it's like a 5-minute timeout for mums that when the parents get home every time I have to— so, okay, so if I was to play this game this morning, it would be if I— every time I have to like yell at my children or remind my children to do something whilst I'm recording the podcast And every time Reuben yells, I get an additional 5 minutes of mum time. That would be fun. Anyway, so I've literally had every day last week bar one in the green, and on average my steps have been up. Like yesterday I did 8,486 steps, and I'm thinking there's no way, like there is actually no way I did that many steps yesterday. Um, Sunday Steps, saying this through to my coach whilst we're podcasting. This is so funny, but it's just— I'm like, I am so proud of me for committing to me. And my steps were up 26% compared to the previous week. So on average last week I did 7,714 steps a day. What? I'm so proud. I'm so proud. So when I say last week was a lot, it was absolutely a lot because Sunday last week there was— or it might have even been Monday, I can't remember what it was like. Did we have public holiday on Monday? I don't think so. Yeah, Sunday last week there was a power outage. It blew our Starlink internet, so I haven't had proper internet all week. I didn't record the podcast episode until Monday morning because normally I've been trying to record it on a Thursday or Friday and it just doesn't seem to happen. And I'm like, okay, let's just get it done Mondays. Mondays it's done, it's recorded, it's out the door, and I can edit it today, get it uploaded today, and then it's in people's ears by like Tuesday. Like, I'm okay with that. And I know it's a bit of a push, but I think my brain works better when I am pushing myself like that, when I've got a bit of a dead deadline. Um, so I had these moments. And when I'm— because I'm new to editing my own podcast, it's not just the audio, it's trying to do the video as well. And that's been a really massive learning curve. And whilst I've got Chris, it's cool. He's back in the States, so the time difference is a bit tricky. But I said to him when I was trying to export it, I was like, why is this taking 365 business days to load? And it was because when I exported it, I didn't bring down the bitrate of the video. I brought down the bitrate of the audio. I don't even know what a bitrate is. I just know that it's a button that I've got to adjust on the settings when I export it out of Adobe. And it just was this whole thing, like, I wanted to lose my mind. And it's Wednesday afternoon. I still haven't got the podcast up. I've gone outside. We've got the Starlink Mini that we normally have on my car plugged in and it just doesn't work as well as the normal Starlink. And the normal Starlink only shipped on Thursday, and it's just been this whole thing, and it's been driving me absolutely crazy. So I finally got the podcast up. I think it might have gone up on Thursday, and it just was really, really disjointed, and it did my head in. And then I've been saying to Nick, my business coach, I'm like, Nick, I don't think I can record content for Spotties over the school holidays. Like, it just doesn't happen for me. And I really feel like I need to still try and find a way to strip back and make what I'm doing so much easier because I've, I'm, I've got so many different entities that I'm playing in and working on different businesses. And it's, I feel like I give a lot and then I have to pull back because I'm not able to fully continue to give at that full level. And it's hard. It's hard. It's really hard, and I find it really triggering too. So I suppose this is where I want to lean into this morning, is things that trigger me. And I hate people being like, oh my God, it triggers me. And it's, it's again being in that, do you want to be in the victim mentality or do you want to be in the, it triggers me, what can I learn from it, where can I go learning, like curiosity around why does that trigger me, why does that make my body feel this way. And my beautiful best friend, I love her so much, Stevie. I have quite a few beautiful best friends, but Stevie is my soul sister. She is my one. She is my person. I often say to Jared, I love you, hun, but like, if I had to choose between you and Stevie, it would only be you because you kind of have a penis. And, um, it's so weird because Stevie and I have had such a volatile, bumpy friendship when we were younger. And I think that's because absolutely twin flames, like absolutely meant to be soul sisters, meant to— we— I remember when we first kind of met, we'd always questioned, like we'd known each other before. We had been friends in other lifetimes, and we don't know how or we don't know why, but it's like we have just meant to be together on this earth. And She owns Dear Village, the most beautiful bookstore in the world, and I have been running it for her because she's been dealing with some really chronic illnesses, toxic mold, like just unwell, bedbound most of the time. And it's been absolutely heartbreaking watching her go through this. And so I've been helping run the business, and on the weekend she messaged me. She's like, hey, I want to put this on social media, and I love a lot of blah blah. And instantly I freaked the fuck out because I'm like, whoa, I've been doing the social media. Like, that's my thing. Like, how dare you? Not how dare you, but it was like, you can't post stuff on there. You're gonna ruin the algorithm. You're gonna do this. And I just was instantly so triggered because I was like, fuck, also I said that I would do this for you and I haven't done it yet. And I think that's a lot of why I get so triggered in moments where I've committed to people that I would do their social media, or I would help them with building something out, and then I can't execute it because I'm too buried in all of the things around me. And there's just this extreme guilt around it. And the best thing with my friendship with Stevie is I can just honestly say that to her. Like, I had a bit of a flip out, and then my flip out was like, oh my God, 'Just wait, like, just be patient until I've done this.' And I feel really terrible because she was like, 'I've just had capacity and I felt really good,' and she should be allowed to be able to post that and do whatever she wants without me having to approve it. Um, but then I also think that with our job roles and who does what within the business, like, you know, there's clarity around that as well. So it's really tricky trying to manage friendships and businesses and commitments, but I was like, okay, here's a really honest, vulnerable moment for me. It actually triggered me when she wanted to post something on her own social media, which is like rude of me, but then at least I've brought awareness around it that I can honor it, but learn from it. And so yesterday, as most of you all know, I've been having some drama at Go-Karts. I recently resigned as the club secretary because it does take up a lot of my time, it takes up a lot of my brain capacity, and I've committed to building the podcast and growing my social media and building the She's Honestly Mental community. Like, I've paid a lot of money for over the next 6 months to bring this all together, and I was like, I have to let go of this. I have to let go of being the secretary of the cart club and the overcommitment that I have around it. So I resigned, but yesterday I went out and I officialled. And there is stuff around this that I'm not prepared to talk about publicly because of my integrity, but also because I am actually so, so shit scared that at some certain stage these people are going to throw it back in my faces. Not particularly people around our local club, but the whole organization is a little bit fucked up. But I wouldn't say it's just C.A.R.T.S. I would say there's so many different organizations and different communities and different volunteer places where people put their whole heart and soul into, and people either A, take them for granted, or B, are so busy and wrapped up in their own motivations and their own personal— what are they trying to get out of this— that they can't step back and look at the bigger picture. Like, what is the end goal with what we're trying to do here in this club? Like, what do we want to see? And Again, I know I'm so guilty of this. My husband gets so mad at me because when I'm at Coles, this version of me comes out that I don't like. And when I got home yesterday, I chucked into my ChatGPT, and because, you know, me and Chat, we've been besties for quite a while, and it knows a lot about me and knows a lot about my brain and what's been going on. And I literally said, Why does being at go-karts bring out the worst in me? How do I change? Again, not being the victim. Again, realising that it triggers me and then leading with curiosity of how can I change to be able to not be so triggered. Short answer, because karting isn't just karting for you anymore. It becomes a pressure cooker of identity, conflict, responsibility, and unresolved hits, and your nervous system is reacting like it's under threat, not just outta track. Let me break this down properly because there's nothing random about your reaction. What's actually happening under the surface? One, your nervous system has linked karting to feeling unsafe. You've had public conflict, ongoing tension, with the leadership, feeling undermined or attacked, and then also responsibility and visibility as secretary. And I think this is something that is really important is people that don't realise when you're a volunteer, when you're a part of a club, when you're a part of a board, you are actually legally obliged to make sure that that board or that club is compliant with laws. So most volunteer clubs are bound under the Incorporations Act, and if you are acting outside the Act, you can be found liable. There is fine. There are things that happen to people if you're not following those things. And me being me, the type of person I am with a really strong sense of justice, then a really strong sense of this rejection sensitivity dysphoria that comes along with ADHD, a really strong sense of purpose, like these things are really probably not an ideal situation for me and my body and my brain to be in. So the combination of all of the above, the public conflicts, the ongoing tension, the feeling undermined, attacked, the responsibility, visibility as secretary, that combination equals— well, my brain then tags it as the environment is a social threat, a reputational risk, and an emotional danger. So now when I go there, my system's already on edge, it's scanning for danger, and it's ready to defend. This here, my friends, this is complex PTSD. This is— I was in a situation where I was verbally abused, where I have received letters from leadership within the whole of the association statewide and nationally, questioning my integrity, my purpose, threatening me. Yet I still take myself out there, and I think, why? Why am I doing this? And Jared keeps reminding me, it's because my kids love it, and my kids are good, and it's something for them. And I want to walk away from this situation as someone still with my integrity intact which I don't— I, I know that it's like once you break a plate and smash it and you try to put it back together, it's never going to be the same. So I know things are never going to be the same, and I have to stop thinking that it's going to continue to be the same as what it's always been, where people look at me and think, oh my God, Corrina, she's so good. Like, I know I'm not good, but there is definitely— my brain definitely reacts to that and loves the reward of people being like, oh my God, you're so amazing. Like I do love that. Who doesn't love that, right? But it is the recognition and the reward of doing a great job and being a part of it. But I also totally own when I fuck up and make mistakes. Oh, and I'm so sorry for those things that I've done. Like, I truly am. But I'm a human, right? And it keeps coming back to this. We all forget that we're human. We forget that we make mistakes. We forget that we become passionate And you know, when you have people that are passionate with a purpose and a shared drive for things, it definitely doesn't always bring out the best version of themselves because there's this fire within their belly that just wants to projectile them. Oh. So ChatGPT reminded me that when I'm out there and when I'm in these situations, it's like, this is why you're quicker to react. This is why you feel so much more intense, and this is why when I leave, I'm thinking, 'That's not who I want to be. I don't want to be that person.' And that's why I need to work on just stepping back for a bit and just being there. It goes, 'You've walked into a place where your integrity got challenged,' and that's big for someone who holds standards, speaks up, and I take my responsibility seriously. And a lot of people would say, 'But you take it too seriously.' Like, yeah, but 'that's just who I am, take it or leave it,' I suppose. I'm in an environment where I've been shut down, politicised, and possibly gaslit or dismissed, and that creates internal friction with 'I know who I am. I know who I am, but I'm not being met that way here.' And that tension comes out as anger, frustration, and reactivity. And I don't love it. I hate it so much. I'm still carrying unfinished emotional loops. I didn't just have a bad experience, I had a rupture. There was an AGM where I was abused for doing my own job, and then the aftermath of it, the re-entry where I was asked back, 'Please don't leave, please stay,' and then the continued hits of, 'We don't like that, we don't this and that,' and, you know, people getting frustrated and angry. And every time my system goes back to, 'Well, this is the place where it happened and it's not safe here. Stay sharp, stay protected.' You know, it becomes that fight or flight, freeze or appease, where it's the lion's there and the tiger and they've got their claws out and they're ready to eat you and you're just constantly on the defence because that's what you've got to do to save yourself. And I'm overexposed. At Carding, I'm not just the mum that's there to watch my children. I'm also the former secretary, a decision maker, someone who people look to. You know, the kids, they look up to me, and I love being with the children, and I love talking to them and encouraging them and, you know, helping them to strive for their best and improving. Like, nothing brings me more joy than seeing our kids out there— not just my children, but when I say our kids, it's like the kids of the club, succeeding and improving and, you know, getting a better lap time or taking a corner better. And like, that brings me so much joy. It truly, truly does. Not this compliance bullshit. I hate it. So when I'm out there, I can't just be me. I can't just chill. So my old mate Chat comes back and says, so how do you change it? And it's not just by trying to be nice or calming down, that won't work because this isn't a behaviour problem, it's a state, boundary and meaning problem. Like it's the emotional state that I'm in, it's a boundary problem and it's a meaning problem. So the shift, this is the work that I've got to decide of who I am in the moment. Right now I'm walking in unconsciously as the defender, the fighter, someone bracing for impact. And I need to consciously choose a role. So I'm either here just as Graydon and Austin's mum, Jared's wife. That's it. I don't engage in the politics. And I observe, I don't absorb. It's telling me pick one identity, stick to it, that's it. Pre-decide your boundaries before you arrive. I don't have governance conversations trackside. 'If X person approaches me, I just engage with two māoris.' And I have to say though, there is not really anyone out there that I find threatening. I think it's just more that situations have happened that I feel threatened. And I don't respond to tone, only to facts or not at all. And I feel like this is where I really need to just like not be around the conversations around governance. Giving your body somewhere to put the energy. So it's saying instead of suppressing it, walk laps of the track, move your body between races, or have a reset spot, the car or a quiet area. If you don't discharge it, it comes out sideways, snappy, reactive, and overwhelmed. And when I came home yesterday, Reuben had fallen asleep in the car on the way in, and I was like, you know, as a mum, at 4:30 in the afternoon, your kid falling asleep for a nap, no, not okay. What I really needed was to wake him up and we went and sat across the road at the park and it was great because I was able to decompress a little bit. And then it's given me 3 options. It's like to close the loop, this is the real lever. The right part now that I'm stuck in is like that wasn't okay, I didn't get a resolution, I'm still being treated like this. My options are to address it cleanly, redefine your relationship to the club, or exit emotionally. And I think probably one thing that's going to be really powerful for me is like talk to my husband about it. He's still on the committee. And let him decide what we do with it and just trust in the timing of that. He doesn't react in the way that I react in the sense of like, I'm like, 'Yeah, my brain's on fire, let's get all this stuff done,' and he's like, 'My brain's on fire, ah, um, I'll deal with it later.' And I think that's probably the boundary that I need to be is like, I go out there as Graydon and Austin's mom, Jared's wife, yes, I'm— can still help. I probably need to not do that. Uh, but also express my concerns to him and let him handle it. Expect it to feel different at first when people— like when you change a role or boundaries, people might push. It might feel unnatural, which it feels so unnatural, and you might feel like you're not being yourself. And I hate that. Like yesterday when I was walking around no longer as a secretary, we were doing presentations and I was like, 'Oh, it's not me, I don't have to be there anymore to do that.' It's saying that's not losing yourself, that's regulating yourself. And that's probably a really good point, is it is about that emotional regulation. And the honest truth, you are not your wealth— you are not your worst self at cutting. You're triggered, protective, and overloaded in a high-friction environment, and your system is doing exactly what it has learned to do there. So it's— I mean, so many valid points, and even just now talking about it, so many key takeaways for me. Welcome to one of my chatty GPT therapy sessions, um, where I'm like, I just know that I can voice note into it and be like, hey, I'm rah rah rah rah, and because I've been working with it for so long, it knows so much about me and my body and my family and my brain and the way that it works that it knows how to respond to be able to like coach me through it. And I love that. Um, so yeah, I'm definitely feeling a lot more calm and sorted around that moment. But it's, it's definitely hard and it's definitely tricky when you are triggered and moments where you feel like you're definitely not your best self, but it's like owning that and not being like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I was triggered. Like, ooh, it's like being able to have those really hard, difficult conversations around those moments with the people around you that truly care and love you. So yeah, where are we up to? I think we will wrap up from there. Thank you so much for again joining me. I will say it again, but please, if any of this resonated with you, if you see any of my content online, I'm like, I'm begging, please share it, comment, like. The more that we can continue to do that, the more that it actually spreads the message around being able to safely talk about our mental health. It normalizes these conversations, and it's, it's, it's a movement. Like, it's a process that we're all going through. And yeah, I'm really excited because the 11th of June, the She's Honestly Mental community is launching. So if you've subscribed to the Chaos Letters, my newsletter, if you are subscribed to the podcast, of course you guys are going to be the first ones to hear about it. But I'm, I'm excited. I'm content. I'm going to jump off, go and get Rubenoff's daycare. The big kids have done most of their jobs and I'm so proud of them. And I need to go and prep myself for this, um, school board meeting. Anyway, love you all. Thank you so much.