14. The story behind my first hospital admission

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated, mind and proud mental health hospital alumni. Still here, still showing up somehow. This is a space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection and everything in between because silent silence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained, let's get honestly mental.

Welcome to the episode that I don't know if I actually want to record, but I'm going to record it because I know. Not that I know, but I actually really hope that by me explaining the process, honestly, I just don't know. I wanted to record a podcast to talk about the anniversary of my admission into the mental health facility. So I think what I'm actually going to do is scroll back through to my photos in my phone and look at October 2019, because I feel like that's when, yeah, got this photo on my phone from October 2019, where, well, heck, even just before that was my 30th birthday, the 1st of September 2019. And far out. The girl that I see in these photos is the girl that was trying to do everything and be everything for everyone. And. I wish I could hug her. I wish that she could see where we are now. The girl that I see in these photos is the one that heck going walking in the mornings. And what's this one showing up on social media on Mondays talking about mental health, mental health awareness, when literally she's the one in the depths.

And I suppose this was at the.

Point where my doctor was saying to.

Me, oh, Karina, you just burnt out.

And I can see how burnt out and wrecked I was. Using essential oils. I found this other photo that's like taking this Metagenix neurocarm, which was like a magnesium kind of thing. All these flower remedies and essential oils. I remember not being present for my children. There's notes here. The more aware I am of my mind and my heart racing, the more they both race, the more I try to relax them both, the more energy I'm putting into them needing to relax. So instead I'm distracting my other senses because it's the only thing that is.

Actually working.

That'S being able to stop and see myself. Now, just how much my nervous system was not regulated was really, really hard And I think that's, you know, I kept showing up, I kept trying to do all of the things be there for people. I remember really not being able to regulate myself around my children. So a lot of the time, because I couldn't regulate myself, they would then cop the brunt of me being unregulated because then they couldn't regulate because they're children. And I would end up screaming at them and yelling at them and it was, it was not fun. It's just not a fun environment for kids to be in. Not a fun environment for me to be in either. There's photos here of me having a box full of multivitamins. Back then I was selling Doterra essential oils and I was taking all their multivitamins, Copaiba, which was marketed to be like cannabis oil but not cannabis oil. Like having tc, I don't even remember. Like, it was just so much stuff in it. Lavender and then again some. All these things.

It just.

It hurts. Being in coaching programs when they're saying, just go and have fun, go and.

Be like a child.

I have got photos here of the boys. See, I'm like, is this even a really good episode? Because I'm just scrolling through my camera roll and telling you about the things.

But I don't know how else to do it.

It's a lot of emotion. And I suppose this is the only way that I can really show the rawness of it. So if it resonates, awesome. If it doesn't, whatever. You know, my people, I was in a coaching program and they were saying, go have fun with your kids. And you know, for me, I'd rather not because again, not being able to regulate myself when I'm trying to then raise the little humans that don't know how to regulate themselves is really hard. I really struggled with that. I would show up at the kids school and just be there and everything. But then I'd end up with migraine. This is so funny going through. Rebuilt my garden to make it really aesthetically pleasing. I've probably replanted most of that garden a couple of times now in the last six years.

And some of it still dies and.

Some of it, I just go to.

Bunnings, buy a new plant and put.

It in there, you know, yellow. Why not? I've got photos in here that are.

My first little puppy, Lola, sweet little beautiful poodle. We let her go because the sweet.

Thing went blind and then fretted and was really unwell.

I just, yeah, that was horrible time for our family. Gosh, Currently trying to work.

However, the dogs have other ideas.

Being small at bottom, I love that.

Trying to show up at school for my kids and be that really present mom when I was always basically on call for work and always had my phone on me because I needed to be present for everyone else. Bit of a theme going on here, right?

Ah, so rough, so rough, so rough.

Oh.

When all of this was really.

Heightened for me before the admission my.

Best friend, her bapa had passed away.

And the night of his celebration of life, we drove from my house to her house.

Actually, no, it was the night that he'd passed and some little assholes threw.

A rock at my car window like.

A massive, massive rock. I'm so lucky, so lucky that it didn't actually smash through the window.

And again, that's me showing up for everyone else.

Me trying to be there for every.

Other human being and getting a note in my mailbox from some neighbours about, how about next time you pop over.

Take those two pain in the ass dogs with you.

Way to ruin a relaxing Sunday for the whole neighborhood. This is disgusting the way you leave your dogs to give everyone the shits. Look after them properly like every other normal human being or you'll be reported for animal cruelty. That's hilarious considering the things that are actually going on in our neighborhood at the moment. Oh, and no shit, I got that in the letterbox. And then the next day is the day that we let our beautiful puppy go. People are mean. People are mean.

It's still so raw.

I don't know. I don't know what the emotion is around it.

I think it's grief for sure. I definitely think it's grief for sure.

But I'd know that if I hadn't.

Have been through all of this that I wouldn't have, I wouldn't be here now.

And I do really hope by sharing.

My reality, it helps others. I went through this phase of actually.

Throwing out all of my self help.

Books and it's something that I still really, really, really. I don't know.

It's so funny because I feel like anyone that's like, I can come in.

And fix your life for you. Like run for the hills.

If someone's like, I can come in and I can sit with you through the mess and help you find a way out. Have that person. But yeah, I know when one day I write a book, I feel like it's going to be more of a memoir.

If you've been around for a while, you already know my mornings don't start without my cacao. I've been drinking Invictus Apothecary ceremonial cacao since 2020. It's literally been everywhere with me, across Australia, up to Broome and even in my inpatient hospital stays. It's my one little moment of sacredness each morning, usually brought to me, made.

With love by Jared, Bless him.

The beautiful humans behind it. Jody and Ben, AKA the Captain and the crew also run Naturally Esperance, their gorgeous local store and dispensary. They've been part of my world for years and I'm honestly so grateful for what they've created. And now they give me a little something for you. My choose, honestly, mental fam. You can get 10% off their 250 gram and 1 kilo cacao in store and online using the code SHMFAM.

All one word.

Just head to invictusapocothe.com or pop into Naturally Esperance if you're a local.

So scrolling through my phone and I.

Can see the days that I went for a drive with my husband in a truck. We had our kids with us and it was great.

I was listening to an audiobook and just trying really to find peace within me and courage that it would all be okay. But then the next day, the things.

That kind of changed was. I just don't know, like I. I want to be able to talk about it, but I don't know if I can talk about it. And I think that's the thing, like to go into all of the detail of it, it's still really heavy. There's a lot of grief for sure. But I think for me it was being in that situation on my own because I hadn't told anyone how bad my thoughts were. My GP kind of knew, obviously, because I'd been sick. Like, I kept getting these chest infections or tonsillitis or something. And so he kept saying, you know, like, what's wrong? And he knew, like, he knows, you know, it's a small country town. Like, he knows. But it was when I was finally actually, I suppose, seen by my family for all of the stuff that I was trying to hold. And then they turned around and went that, you know, like they didn't want to lose me. I truly believed that I wasn't worthy of being here anymore. And so when they, you know, there's.

Been so many times where Jared really.

Cried and cried, cried, and he's tried so hard to keep me from wanting to end it all. But it comes down to this, like, truly genuine self love and self appreciation and Self understanding and I didn't have that. There was no love for me. And one of my biggest takeaways has been when it's like when you're looking for your keys and you can't find your keys and your keys are actually.

Right there in front of you, it's.

That kind of stuff. It's like you're looking for the evidence that you don't belong or that you're not needed or that you're not wanted.

That's the evidence that you're going to find.

You're not going to be able to see the truth. And I can tell you that the truth will always be we're better off.

With you here than not. And I know that now. I feel like a wanker saying it.

But I'm a gift to this world.

Every single one of us are. I suppose after that trip of being unwell.

Having that conversation with my family.

I am just grateful.

I'm just grateful. There's this little quote in my phone from.

Oh, Cass, if you're listening, this is hilarious.

So the day after there's actually this little photo of a rainbow. Someone once said to me that when you are suicidal and you think that death is the only way out and you've got a plan and you know that's as close as the close to the edge that you could possibly get. And I think that's why there's so much gratitude in my heart now because I've been there and to be able to see things like rainbows, storms, the storm that we had at Surf club the other day was insane. But it was so beautiful. Being able to see that has been wild. And I think this is what I don't, I really don't think people understand just the power of getting those messages and being a part of a community and being appreciated really means.

I don't know.

Maybe one day I'll have a book and I'll be able to share a bit more of it, more of the depths. But then I also, I don't want to be a demi downer either. The process of in her overwhelming anxiety, she found overwhelming grace. And that's by Morgan Harper Nicholls. So yeah, as it comes up to that was kind of the thing for me was everything went really kind of pear shaped. The middle of October 2019 and then I spent a couple of weeks going back and forth to Perth seeing naturopaths and hypnotherapists and all of the kind of self help development things that I.

Possibly could do whilst I waited for.

The appointment with my psychiatrist. So was then kind of when I finally had my psychiatrist appointment was when I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

Ptsd, generalised anxiety, major depression, all of the fun things.

But I think the biggest thing for.

Me now is being able to be.

On this other side.

So, yeah, there's a really heavy episode for you and I'm like, I don't even know if it's worth it. I'm gonna hit send on this and see what happens.

Yeah, thanks for being here with me.

Thanks for hanging out with me. On She's Honestly Mental if today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram. She's honestly Mental. Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain. You're not broken, you're just honestly mental. And all the best people are.