16. Life after hospital isn’t the victory lap you think it is

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated mind and proud mental health hospital alumni.

Still here, still showing up somehow.

This is a space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection and everything in between, because silent silence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. Alright, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained. Let's get honestly mental.

Guys. Welcome to episode 16 of She's Honestly Mental. What the heck? It still blows me away. Honestly, every time I come in and record an episode, I just pinch myself to be like, is this my life? And today I'm coming to you from my new little home podcast studio, which is literally a desk shoved in the corner of my front lounge room. But you know what? It works. It actually works. And I'm just thrilled to be here and to have this space. So it has taken probably about 45 minutes this morning to tidy it up enough that I could sit down and use it. But we're here. We're here. A couple episodes ago, I shared, so today's 15th of December, but today is the day that the episode around my first hospital admission goes live. And I'm a bit nervous because it's very raw, but as always, I'm like, you know what, if I'm not talking about it, who is talking about it? I'm not ever talking about it to be like, this is my wank factor. I'm talking about it because I know that openly sharing about mental health does save lives. And this isn't ever something that's do X, Y, Z and you will be fixed. It's never that because I just really understand how much people's brains are so different. So I have done a little ideating around the podcast episodes and I've actually drafted out the next five, which is wild. I'm never this organized. They're always a little bit ad hoc. Ish. But I wanted to try and make sure that this is a really sustainable thing for me. It's not something that I'm going to give up. And what I've done to support myself around actually podcasting is, of course I have invested in Laura, who's my podcast producer, absolute legend. If you're wanting to do your own podcast, I a hundred percent want you to reach out to Laura Podcast Support Solutions. She's just so good. You're probably going to hear some cars and stuff in the background because I'm sitting obviously in this front lounge room. The front door is open. It's supposed to be 35 degrees here today and then 40 degrees tomorrow. Side note, I'm actually freaking out because there's heaps of bushfires around already and it's not even the hot windy weather yet. So. Yeah, anyway, I digress. So I'm actually sitting here today with my kakao. It's 5:45 in the morning. I've been up since, I don't know, 4:30. The sun is up. We're getting closer to the longest day of the year. And I love this time of year mostly because I just love all the sunshine and the daylight and it's amazing. I find winter really hard because it is dark really late in the day. The sun's not up until, you know, 6:37 and then the same thing. It's. It's down at about 5:00'. Clock. Like, it's just gross. So today's episode I wanted to talk about the things that no one warns you about after a hospital stay. When I first came home from hospital back in 2019, my family, we still had the news agency. It was retail Christmas, I think from memory. I want to say I flew home around the 22nd or the 23rd. I'm just going to duck back into my photos because it was pretty freaking close to Christmas. Yes. I must have flown home on like the 18th or 19th December, right before retail Christmas wildness. I remember going to the shop because I thought I'm better off working than staying at home sitting with my emotions because why would you want to do that? And my family supported whatever decisions I really wanted to do. I wasn't in a headspace to be full parenting my children, mostly because I was really unable to even take care of myself. And I was dosed to the eyeballs with medication. But that's what I needed at the time. I remember going into the shop and I went up the front counter to try and serve some customers and my brain was just not functioning, which I found really frustrating and hard to accept. But everyone around me at the time was very like, it's okay, Karina. Like, it is actually okay. And I've never really been told that before. So Christmas came around. We went to my mum's in the morning to open presents, which was really cool. My sons had been around to my mum's and set up a Christmas tree. One of my other really good friends set up her Christmas tree. So they got to set up quite a few Christmas trees, but none of them with me. I think I can't remember whether we'd set up ours at home or not. But, yeah, probably because I wouldn't have left until I've had two weeks in Perth. It was the 19th of December. Like when I got back, I would say, yeah, I was probably here at the beginning of December and we would have set up the tree together, I'm hoping. But who knows, honestly? And what does it matter? But it's missing out. Well, it does matter because it is missing out on those life things. And that was really hard. I remember getting photos from my little brother's year 7 or year 6 graduation assembly and he got this amazing award and I obviously wasn't there to see it and it just broke my heart. I remember being in hospital when I got that and it just destroyed my soul. But by being in hospital, it's now allowed me to make sure that. Well, not to make sure, but to build the skills that I need so that I can be more present for my family. So today's episode is what no one warns you about after hospital. And it's crazy because I think as a person with mental health or as a person with any kind of illness, and I only ever speak from my experience, is going into hospital. You kind of like, yes, cool, I'm going in, I'm doing all the things, I'm going to come home and I'm going to be fixed. Which I know is a bit of a wild expectation, but it's also something that I think it's just a hope that once you go in and do the work that you're fine. What I probably didn't really think about at the time or because I wasn't in the headspace to be really thinking realistically, because let's be honest, I was in a mental hospital, was that. It's kind of just the beginning. It's the beginning of a new lease on life. It's the beginning of a lot of hard work that's got to be done. And yeah, it's. It's hard with this. I want to just reiterate then I am sharing my lived experience. This is not advice. This is not instruction. This is not a recovery roadmap. This is literally just me sharing my story in the hope that it resonates with others. And if you're in Struggle street so bad, please reach out to the appropriate channels. Lifeline Beyond Blue, wherever you're listening in the world and get the help that you need. So something that I found good in hospital versus being at home was that in hospital there was structure, so there was your nurses, there were, you know, rules, boundaries, et cetera. And that was great because I was able to, you know, you go to the nurse's station at 8 o' clock in the morning and you have your morning meds and then you go to the nurse's station at nighttime and you have your evening meds and then breakfast is open from a certain time, lunch is from a certain time, dinner is a certain time, and then obviously there's morning and afternoon tea throughout the day. So you have therapy, like group therapy in the morning, or you can go to art therapy, whatever suits. They have meditation classes and those kind of things throughout the day as well. So there's always this structure, this foundation and structure. But then you come back home and there is all of the things, there's kids, lunches, emails, bills, and kind of a bit of a expectation from myself that I should be fine to deal with this stuff. And when you're not, then there comes this grief of why can't I do this? But I suppose having been in hospital was enough. Like when they, they don't just kind of like go, okay, you cool now, see you later. You do leave with a discharge plan and appointments with your psychiatrist already pre booked in appointments with your psychologist. Like they leave you with a plan of what is going to happen. Very fortunate because I had a great GP here in town and I would hold on to the fact that I would be seeing him every week and then we had backup plans, et cetera. So there was plenty of safety plans in place for me. And I was told explicitly, if things go pear shaped, you just call the hospital and we will find you a bed. And that was really reassuring knowing that there was a plan in place. Should I fall apart? Well, not fall apart, but you know, need some extra support. That's what I found really tricky was trying to reintegrate back into life because you are in a really kind of protected shell then reintegrating back into life. I remember Christmas Day, we went to my in laws and I laid in bed, they all had lunch, we opened presents and I feel like I was sitting there pretty much a bit of an empty shell. Not much emotion, not much excitement. It was, it was fucked. It was just fucked. And so I laid in their spare bed for most of the day, either watching Grey's Anatomy or sleeping. Grey's Anatomy was the one thing that I have watched Multiple times, over and over throughout. Mice illnesses. I just love it. It's an absolute thing for me. It was so funny, actually, the other day, this lady, Hannah from socially Sands, she's. We are creator Academy. I'm doing one of their courses at the moment. She announced that they were doing this really cool founder program for the next six months. And I was like, please, like, pick me, choose me. And I sent the Meredith Gray little cutout. Like, if you don't know, you're not going to know. But if you know, you know, right? So I sent out the little, like, video from the little gif from Grey's Anatomy where Meredith is standing there saying to Derek, pick me, choose me, love me. She so desperately wanted Derek, and she just found out that he was actually married to someone else. Anyway, anyway, so I send that to Hannah and she's like, you are definitely in. That's like, sold. Not the Grey's Anatomy. This is. Yes, absolutely. So, I mean, if you know, you know. But for me, gray Grey's Anatomy has just been that, like, consistent. It's predictable. I know it's coming. And yeah, I love it. I love it. So much so you know that I'm needing to regulate if that's what I'm watching at the moment. So discharging from hospital, I felt there was almost like a bit of a whiplash. It's like you're trying to suss out your meds, you're trying to suss out kids, work stigma, the guilt around not being able to perform in the same way that you used to be able to perform. And it's like you missed the memo on how to actually reintegrate back into life. And I find that too, when I travel away, even for different work events. So you're at the event and you go hard on all of the learning and trying to integrate it when you get back into the world is so hard. I found that all of the time. So when I go to courses now or when I go to trainings or I go to appointments and they're trying to give me information on what to do and how to do it, I have to remember that when I come back to my life, that the structure that I had when I was traveling on my own or doing my own thing is not the structure that I'm going to have when I'm at home. So it's trying to build those clear expectations of that's not actual reality. Karina, I've been talking about a fair bit in, like, I've started promoting these scaffolding sessions, like, where you can spend 90 minutes with me to talk about work, life, your whole life, holistically, business things, life things. Like, if you're struggling, I'm offering these scaffolding sessions. And I was with a bunch of other coaches a couple of weeks ago at a thing in Perth, and I was trying to explain it to them, and they're like, karina, if you have to explain to me what a scaffolding session is, like, people are not going to get it. And I was like, okay, so then that just means that I need to probably explain to people what the fuck a scaffolding session is. And they're like, yeah, but that's. That's the whole point. Like, if you need to explain it, you shouldn't explain it. When I was going through. I don't even know, like, I hate. I hate trying to explain this kind of stuff when I was going through my mental health stuff. So I had my first admission in 2019, and then my second admission was in March 2020. And during that year, my eldest son was really struggling with his mental health. So this is like the whole thing. I'm trying to hold myself, but then I can see that one of my children is falling apart. And it's trying to not guilt yourself that you should be performing better when you've just been really, really ill and now you're coming back into life and you're trying to parent and look after these. These people. And so my son was struggling and we got him in to see a psychiatrist. And she was recommended to us from my adult psychiatrist. And when we were talking to my son's psych, she was saying, like, karina, you've got the medication in place, you're doing the therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What you really need and what your son really needs is like. And I have talked about this a lot, but, like, your medication, your therapy, all of those things is. It's like your foundation. This is the solid foundation that you're using to build. But then the scaffolding is the things that you do to support yourself throughout the day. So for me, things that I had to do to support myself was I went and got one of those fancy little pill boxes and I put my tablets in them. Then I have alarms on my phone, and I still have alarms on my phone, particularly around taking my Dexies, because they're so like three times a day or four times a day, every few hours. It's that kind of stuff. So for me, it was having a little pillbox. Now I travel around. I have a pencil case in my handbag at all times. It has all of my medications in there. It's got my vitamins, it's got my sertraline lamotrigine, dexamephetamine pads. Like my AirPods, like, whatever I need, it's in that pencil case for me. Then obviously, I get up in the mornings and I have my Cacao, so. Good. If you've been around for a while, you already know my mornings don't start without my cacao. I've been drinking Invictus Apothecary ceremonial cacao since 2020. It's literally been everywhere with me, across Australia, up to Broome and even in my inpatient hospital stays. It's my one little moment of sacredness each morning, usually brought to me, made with love by Jared, bless him. The beautiful humans behind it. Jody and Ben, AKA the Captain and the crew, also run Naturally Esperance, their gorgeous local store and dispensary. They've been part of my world for years and I'm honestly so grateful for what they've created. And now they give me a little something for you. My choose. Honestly, mental fam, you can get 10% off their 250 gram and 1 kilo cacao in store and online using the code SHMFAM. All one word. Just head to invictusapocothe.com or pop into Naturally Esperance if you're a local. I know if I'm feeling down and I'm feeling out of it, putting some music on chills me the fuck out. Remember one of my hospital admissions? One of Taylor Swift's new albums had just dropped and I played that baby non stop. Absolutely non stop. I love it. I love it so much. I'm not a huge Swiftie. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge Swiftie. But when I'm feeling shit, I will listen to this album. I have to find out what it is. Oh, folklore. Fuck, man. Cardigan and Betty, like, absolute amazing. My sister got me onto that. So for me, it's like my scaffolding is music, headphones, medication, little pencil case in my bag. And trying to. Something that I'm trying to, like, integrate at the moment is having multiple things everywhere. So multiple pairs of sunglasses, multiple, like, airtags on my keys. I've got sunscreen in every kind of place that you possibly could have. I have my toilet bag already to go every single day because we're either at surf club or swim club or whatnot. Like, I Have all of those things just ready and available. I've got a cleaner. We've got someone who does our house like our. Our yards. And I've just had someone start with us who's more of like a housekeeper who's helping me reorganize things. And it's knowing that having all of these things in place, and I'm sure there's plenty more, but I can't think of them off of the top of my head. But it's by, like having all of these support systems in place. For me, that's my scaffolding. I've looked at what my life needs to make my brain work easier. And these are the things that I've got in place. And I will never, never, ever for a second feel guilty for having people come into my home and clean up for me. You know, like, clean or mow my lawns. Because I have always thought about that investment of having that or that investment of going to the doctor or that investment of taking medication is so incredibly valuable because it gives me quality of life. This is like, this is the stuff. Everything here, everything that I talk about is for me, my goal is to have the best quality of life as possible. Some days, having my pencil case in my bag, I still forget to take my medication or I know that it's there, but I just don't. And then there might be days where I've run out and then I don't get to the chemist. And so then three days later I haven't had it. And then I'm having a massive meltdown and my mom will be like, when was the last time you took your meds? And so I would go, oh, like three or four days ago. One time I remember for my birthday, I'd accidentally forgotten to take one of my medications and like genuinely accidentally forgotten to take it. I get overwhelmed because at one stage I was on four or five different things and I was having to take them at various times during the day. And then I just got confused around which ones I was taking. And I started then feeling really dizzy, faint. I was getting, like tingling throughout my brain and my chest. Anyway, turns out when you're not taking your sertraline for a few days and you just cold turkey off of it, that's what happens. So that's why I just try and make sure that I've got multiples of everything everywhere so that I've got what I need. And then if I start to run out, then I go and get it then. Doesn't always work. I Definitely after my first admission. Didn't really tell a lot of people, but I did know that I had a really safe community to be able to share stuff with. A couple of our friends that live on our street. Love them with my whole entire heart. Their kids are the same age as our kids and so they all went to school together and these guys just stepped up and stepped in so hard. It was incredible to know that we had a really cool group of friends that just held us at that time while we were trying to go through all of this. We had a nanny at the time and so she was helping with school pickups and drop offs. Jared's mum, bless her so much, but she is like the goat at cooking meals that my kids love. And so there was always meals in the freezer. If I was really struggling with something, I would pick up the phone and talk to my mom or I'd pick up the phone and talk to my sister. And whenever I was talking to them, they just talk me through it. And even now still, I went to Woolies the other day and my Woolies trips have been getting so much better. But I had to go really quickly because I got home and there was nothing for dinner. And so instead of melting down at home, I thought, I'll go to Woolies, I'll run in and I'll get the stuff that I need. It's Christmas, like why did I do that? Anyway, so we've gone into Woolies and instantly I walked in and it was like this anxiety spiral hit me like a wall and I thought I'm going to ring my mum and I'm going to tell my mum to come and get me or to come here or to send someone to come and help me because I can't fcking do this anyway. Jarad was only 15 minutes away and I just breathed and I started and we got it done and it was okay. And that's so cool for me. But there's been a lot around me having to adjust the expectations of myself. And that's probably been one of the biggest masks, the biggest layers of this life experiment that I've been going through is of stripping back those expectations of myself. Is a lot of the time it is that after being in a hospital, you definitely don't come back. Fixed the thoughts, they come back for me, the suicidal thoughts, they didn't disappear, they changed. It wasn't like this desperation. I had the tools and the skills to just notice and to also understand that it's actually just a thought and not all thoughts are true. I had the skill to understand that thoughts actually don't hold all of the power you do and that you can acknowledge it and go, well, actually, that's actually a bit more of an intrusive thought. It's not an actual good thought. I would definitely, during those times, like I said, reach for support with my family much quicker than I ever would because obviously before going in, I would never reach for the support. And knowing that I had those backed up appointments with my doctors and psychiatrists and team, that I was in a really safe place. We told my kids not a lot. We told them at the time that Mum was just sick and that she was in hospital. And at the time, I think my eldest would have been six and that meant that our second child, so our youngest at the time would have been four. And I think that's probably the best thing is because at that time they weren't really aware. Now they're 12, 10 and 2, almost 13, 11 and 3. And we openly talk to them about mental health stuff. And we have for years, particularly around my eldest, who has struggled. So when we took him to see his psychiatrist the year after I had my first admission, I explained to him, hey, mate, you know that Mum takes these medications and that's because her brain's not quite right either and it needs the medication to support. And so he's been on med since then also. It's just one of those things. So we have the conversations with them, the appropriate conversations with them, but we're also super aware in making sure that they've got that solid foundation of knowing that home is a really safe place. They've got our core group of friends and family that they know is really safe to talk to. And when I fuck up and I lose my shit at them, I apologize and I will explain to them what is going on for me. And I think that's just really one of the most powerful things is that self acceptance, not having the guilt and the ability to apologize. So, yeah, like I said earlier, if you are struggling and you need help or assistance, please, please reach out because you're incredibly valuable. You are so worthy and you are so loved. And even if you're someone who's never met me before and you're listening, please know that I think you're an incredible human being because I know we all are. We're all doing the best that we can with what we know. So, yeah, thanks for listening to another episode.

Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mental. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale. Come say hi over at Instagram. He's honestly mental. Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain.

You're not broken, you're just honestly mental.

And all the best people are.