19. Why losing it doesn’t make you a bad mum

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated mind and proud mental health hospital alumni.

Still here, still showing up somehow. This is a space for the feelers.

The fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection and everything in between because silent silence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained. Let's get honestly mental.

Hello. Hello. Welcome to She's Honestly Mental. We are at episode 19. What? Oh my gosh, this is wild. I know I say it every time, but episode 19. This is crazy. I am excited to be here. We are, what is it? 2 January 2026. And this time of year definitely makes me always reflect on my time in the mental health hospital. The time where I saw this picture on my phone a couple of days ago and it was from me back in December 2020 and I had like its Snapchat filter of the Grinch and it's me just hating on Christmas and it was because I just didn't have the mental capacity to be handling it. Fast forward now this Christmas. We have just had our entire family over for Christmas. It's been amazing. There was actually no family arguments, which if you know, you know, most families do have a few disagreements here or there. And it just was fantastic. Like it was a really, really good time. I spent time with Jared and the kids. We've actually had the most time at home together as a family in a really long time. And it's been wild. We've done lots of jobs around the house, we've tidied up and we're getting into a really smooth rhythm of life. And today's Friday. We head back to work on Monday. We've got a couple of days at work Monday, Tuesday, and the Jared and I are actually heading to Perth for the first time on our own solo since Reuben almost 3 year old was born. So I'm really excited about that. I'm excited to be able to travel with Jared because we haven't traveled together even with the kids for ages and I would say probably since July when we went to Broome. And it's just gonna be lovely. It's gonna be so lovely. We've had a few kind of things. There's only like a slight little family disaster where Jarrod's grandma was involved in a car accident on Christmas Eve and the poor love is pretty broken, but we've still got her and that's amazing. So we're gonna spend some time with her while we're in Perth also. So today's episode is about motherhood, rage and capacity. And I want to start with a bit of a quote, unquote, I don't know, a little bit of a thing. And it's. There are moments in motherhood that scare you. Not because of your kids, but because of who you become when your nervous system is fried and because there's nowhere left to put the pressure. I remember really vividly like I had two kids under two. Graydon was born July 2013 and Austin was born March 2015. So two kids in 20 months. Graydon was a really good kid. He never slept really well and that is because the poor little muffin was head to toe eczema. And we finally got him treated for his eczema at around 13 months and it was absolutely life changing. The good dose of steroids that settled his skin, the routines that we put in place was incredible. But he just never really slept. And we fell pregnant with Austin when Graydon was 11 months old. Don't ask me why, I did this wild thing of thinking that, yeah, let's have another baby right now. It'll be a great idea. It'll take us ages to get pregn. Because ages get pregnant with Graydon. She'll be right, mate. And yes. So when Austin was born, Graydon also had really bad asthma. So we remember like I remember him getting a proper asthma diagnosis at 20 months, which is unheard of. He went on some medication that sorted his asthma out, but little did we know that that would have serious effects on him later on in life. So having these two little boys, two under two, as they got a bit older, they probably would have been like three or four. And I just remember I would be at such capacity and not being aware of even that I had a capacity. They would not eat their dinner or they would be screaming or arguing or I'd be breastfeeding and Austrian would bite my nipple and I would just lose my shit. I would turn into this person who was not me. I would turn into this person that I didn't recognize, an actual monster. Like I would. I'd slap the kids if they were naughty, which when I was growing up was completely normal. But definitely not the way that I wanted to parent my children because times have changed. But I just was this angry person. I would just turn into this person that was not me. I mean, looking back now, I know clearly I had postnatal depression. I definitely had anxiety, all of the rest of it, we know that from the admissions, but it just was horrible. I would have moments of absolutely screaming at them. I definitely felt like I wasn't a good wife. I would try to talk to Jared and I would be like, when are you coming home? I can't handle this anymore. I can't do this anymore. And I literally would wait until 5 o' clock and if he at 5:05 I'd be calling him, where are you? What are you doing? And I put so much pressure on the poor man, honestly. But that is the story, that is just what it was and how it kind of happened for me. If you've been around for a while, you already know my mornings don't start without my kick out. I've been drinking Invictus Apothecary ceremonial cacao since 2020. It's literally been everywhere with me across Australia, up to Broome and even in my inpatient hospital stays. It's my one little moment of sacredness each morning, usually brought to me, made with love by Jared, bless him. The beautiful humans behind it, Jody and Ben, AKA the Captain and the crew, also run Naturally Esperance, their gorgeous local store and dispensary. They've been part of my world for years and I'm honestly so grateful for what they've created. And now they give me a little something for you. My choose Honestly mental. You can get 10% off their 250 gram and 1 kilo cacao in store and online using the code SHM. FAM. All one word. Just head to Invictus apothecarythere.com or pop into Naturally Esperance. If you're a local, Rage can look like. Like it's not. When you think of rage, it's not violent, it's not losing control, it's not actually being a bad mum. But it can be snapping over something small, shutting down mid sentence, leaving the room because staying feels unsafe. Being physically present but emotionally gone. And I feel like I spent a lot of my children's younger years in that state. The truth is, is rage is a physiological response. It's not a personality form. The moment that the nervous system tips into fight and flight, you can have heat, tension, shaking and tunnel vision. Like you can only see what is directly in front of you. The things that I didn't realize was how many people actually go through the same experiences. We don't share on instagram or social media, the whole body shaking after the panic, the adrenaline, all of it. We don't talk about the silence and the shame of having these rage episodes. The self talk, the guilt, the horror, like being horrified of your behavior. And then the fear and the guilt around who did my kids just see me as? And I remember as a child growing up, I definitely can recognize now moments when my mom was having these episodes. And I just feel so bad because I can see now how much she was struggling, but she truly was doing the best that she could. And this is something that I really, really believe in, is that we are only ever doing the best that we can with what we know. The aftermath of rage episodes for me is a lot around guilt of, I'm a shit mom, I'm a shit wife, I'm a shit person. And then, of course, comes the shame spiral again. All those same conversations. And then the grief of that is a moment in my life that I'm not ever going to get back. That is a moment in my children's life that they are never going to get back. They are going to remember me like that. Are they going to be afraid of me? Are they going to be scared that this is who I am? And what I've realized is that with rage and capacity, it's so intertwined. It's not an anger problem. It's not that you're an angry person. And I speak this, trying to speak my own truth is that being able to look back now, I'm definitely the parent that Reuben has is not the parent that Austin had, and I'm not the parent that Graydon got either. As I've become a mum of three, and as I've grown, I've become an adult, I've really realized that it's that I just don't have the capacity to be handling. I had this really great conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago, and it was, we're trying to parent and emotionally regulate little humans that do not have the skills to emotionally regulate themselves. So if you're struggling on the inside and then this other little human goes, oh, your dinner that you've cooked for me, that you've spent hours slaving over is disgusting. I'm not eating it. I know. I've definitely felt like a failure, that I'm a shit mom, that I'm a shit cook, that all of these things, it's not on me. It's that they're struggling within themselves. And I know, like, at the moment we're having Some issues with Austin, who's nearly 11. He's our fiery redhead, and he definitely struggles with emotional regulation. And when I was chatting to my friend the other day, she said, when he's having these meltdowns, do you ever just hug him? And I was like, bitch, why you be saying this to me? Like, me hug him when he's losing his mind? On a good day, when we're at home, he might have six or seven meltdowns. He'll kick his toe or bang his knee, and he just absolutely loses his shit. And it drives me crazy, and it drives Jared crazy because it is not a. How do I say it? It just doesn't seem like a warranted response for whatever situation he's just been in. It's very, very over the top. I suspect that we've got some ADHD kind of stuff going on for him, but that's a whole other thing. The fact is that I know when I'm struggling to emotionally regulate and they're losing their shit, that my reaction is going to be crap to their reaction. And when she said to me, she's like, do you think he just would need a hug? And I said, I do not have the capacity. And I think maybe, maybe for the benefit of the both of us, perhaps next time when he starts to have these meltdowns, I just give him a hug and see how that happens. See what happens. Things that can drain your capacity, Definitely. I've learned a lot about this, about myself over the last 18 months. Is sensory overload. And it's little things. It's noise, it's touch. It's the mess, it's the demands. I really have found it hard. I struggle with even trying to decide what I'm eating, let alone what I'm feeding the children. And I'm fortunate in the sense that Jared is so great at being like. He loves cooking. So we let him. Like, he just. He just does that. It's not even. We let him. It's like we have accepted in our house that Jarrett does cooking and make sure that everyone is fed. Sleep deprivation is a huge thing. Even this morning when I woke up, Jared said to me, how did you sleep last night? And I said, I slept like shit. We spent yesterday out at the beach. Most of the day. It was beautiful and warm, but it was windy. Like 60k an hour. Gusts. And I was just like. It was lovely. It was New Year's Day. We spent it with friends. It was great. But when I got home, I was so exhausted, I hadn't taken any of my meds. Yesterday when we were in the shower about 4 o', clock, I said to him, I feel like I really need to take one of my dexis and I need to just wind the fuck down. And I ended up falling. I didn't take any meds and I ended up having a nap at about 5 o' clock because I was reading my latest book that I've just finished. What is it? All the Things Left Unsaid. I don't know. I can't remember exactly who wrote it, but it was great read, highly recommend. And I just was uncomfortable on the couch, I was agitated, I was hot and sweaty and it just, it was a lot for my body. And so that led to me going to bed, not being able to settle in bed properly, eventually falling asleep. And it just was a bit of this compounded situation of me feeling like shit. And so I went to bed not feeling great, woke up this morning feeling okay. And so he, his comment was, I really don't love it when you don't sleep well. Because he knows just how much sleep deprivation does affect me. Then of course, other things that drain capacity is the mental load holding everything, anticipating everything, all the things you've got, your past traumas, things that can trigger moments of, you know, ptsd. Something that I learned about PTSD is, and it's from the book the Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. One of my all time faves is that your body literally holds onto those traumatic events and it anticipates that those events are going to happen again. When you're in that kind of same situation, it's really, really tricky. But I found that being aware of it and being in those situations where I have been had a slight traumatic event or whatever it is, that awareness that I could have a traumatic flashback or situation has definitely made it easier. But also when I notice that I get through one of those situations, it's like another kind of high five for me. Another check against the box to be like, okay, three out of the four times that I've been, it's been fine, it's just been that one off and that's okay. And then lastly, being the one who never gets to fall apart, and this is what I think is so bullshit with society, is that there is this unspoken rule that, you know, you don't cry, you toughen up, harden the fuck up, go to Bunnings, get a can of cement and toughen up, harden up, go and buy some nails and some wood and build a bridge and get over it. Like, these are the kind of things that have been said to us growing up that have really, I feel stunted us emotionally to be able to deal with life that have affected our capacity. So rage for me isn't so much about anger. It's about what happens when the system runs out of room. My goal is to never lose it. And the true moment for me to find peace in this situation is what happens after. It's the conversations with the kids after. So sorry. Mum is really struggling at the moment. She's very tired, she's needs a shower. She hasn't eaten all day. She's stressed. You know, sitting down with them, having a hug and just leveling with them and explaining the emotions around it, not hiding and not acknowledging it. I feel like is the only way. Well, is what can actually cause more harm than good. Repairing looks like learning to regulate yourself first. Sure, you can have a moment, lose your crap, lose your mind. But it's that, hey, mom just needs a few minutes. I'm going to go jump in the shower, I'm going to go freshen up and then I'm going to come back. It's that going first as the adult in this situation, I have to remind myself of this sometimes. I'm like, I'm actually the adult here. I'm the one that has the skills or is learning the skills, naming what happened without defending it. I really struggle when I've lost my shit because your behavior was X, Y, Z putting the blame back on them. Sometimes I feel like it's probably fitting for the situation, but other times I think it's probably not. And words like words that really matter, it wasn't okay. I was overwhelmed. It wasn't your fault. Letting kids see the accountability. I talk about this a lot and I think it's something that's really, really important, is that if you know and you're aware of certain behaviors that you have, it is so important that the people around you see the change. Like, you can be like, I'm so sorry I behave like that. The words are really good, but it's the actions that make the biggest difference. Repair that teaches safety. Repair that teaches that the rupture isn't the end of the connection. And repair that rewrites the meaning of the moment in situations where you could turn that moment into a moment of learning. So I want to just kind of ground this in a little bit of science. Not to pathologize, pathologize. Not to pathologize mothers, but to take the Shame off of their shoulders. What the research shows is around one in three mothers experience intense anger or rage in their postpartum years. Half of those women are not depressed. Rage is not postpartum depression in disguise. Sleep deprivation dramatically increases emotional reactivity and sensory overload releases stress hormones and pushes the brain into survival mode. Mothers carry the majority of the invisible mental load, which never gives the nervous system a break. Trauma history and birth experiences increase vulnerability to the nervous system overwhelm. I read somewhere years ago that it's not necessarily the first year postpartum that can affect mothers so hard. It's actually in year four. Four years after giving birth is generally when the effects of carrying the entire emotional load can show in mothers. You get to that point where you just keep piling on all the things, all the things, all the things. And then you get to capacity and you're just done. Rage is not a failure of love. It's a nervous system sounding the alarm. It's a sign that you need to take a moment. Children learn that relationships can rupture and be restored. Consistent repair builds secure attachment and emotional safety. And what harms kids the most isn't the rupture. It's the rupture without repair. It's ignoring it, pretending it didn't happen, and just walking away. I want to share a few books that have really helped me in my parenting journey. One thing would be learning. It's woo. Okay, if you're not woo, whatever, but just listen, okay? Is one understanding my human design. Human design, astrology, birth charts, all of the rest of it. The way that the moon and the stars were when you were born affects you just as much as the way that the full moon and the stars in the astrology affect the tides in the ocean. That is something tangible like you can see when you're at the ocean, the tides rising and lowering throughout the day, that actually can emotionally affect you. It does. Understanding my human design, understanding Jared's human design, and understanding the boy's human design of who they are and how they work has been huge. There's this really cool book also called the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This goes through the different kind of love languages. So you could be love language 1 1, which is words of affirmation, quality time. So spending quality time together. It could be receiving gifts, it could be acts of service, it could be physical touch. So I know I definitely love acts of service. And Jared is physical touch. And so understanding that in our relationship, instead of being, oh, he's always so touchy Feely and rah rah. Understanding that is actually his love language helps me accept those situations where I'm so touched out. But I know that what he needs more than anything at the moment is a hug. Understanding the love languages as adults is definitely really easy as children. I haven't really delved deep into it for the boys, but I know that all of my boys very much love a hug and a cuddle. They're so like their dad. They don't really care about physical things and acts of service don't really do it for them. Words of affirmation either. They're like, nah, whatever, not interested. There is this amazing memoir written by Ariane Beeston called Because I Am Not Myself. You see, this actually talks about motherhood, madness and coming back from the brink. I feel like Ariane actually wrote my story. Parts of it anyway. She actually works as a child protection worker and is a newly registered psychologist. When she gives birth to her first child and very quickly begins to experience scary breaks with reality. This talks about hallucinations, delusions, postpartum psychosis, talks about medication, the support of her husband's psychotherapy and ultimately time, she rebuilds herself. This is so good. The other one is, I read this a little while ago, Ocean Campbell with her mum, Cecile. This is called the Silence Between Us. This talks about where Ocean actually turns 18 and attempts to end her life. The hospital has to respect her request to not actually notify her parents. Her mum can tell that there is something wrong with her fiercely independent daughter. Again, this is a memoir. It's not actually fiction. And there's so much of it that just makes sense for me. We've got the gifts of imperfection. Brene Brown. This probably gives preface to a lot of this episode and what I talk about. Leaning into the gifts of the imperfect parts of you, the imperfect parts of your life is so powerful because it helps drop that shame cycle. I love it. Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you really are. It's your guide to a wholehearted life. I love Bret A. Brown. I love everything she's written. All of the things I really, really, really resonate. There is a couple of really cool human design books. One about parenting the child that you have, and then lastly, this is a fiction book that was written by Ann Buis and Graham Simpson, and Graham wrote the Rosie Project. This book here is written in the kind of style that I really love because it's from multiple point of views. But this talks about Hannah Wright, who's got a chaotic history. She's seen all of the emergency room, but nothing compares to the psychiatric ward at the Menzies hospital. Graham and Anne actually did a tour around Australia and showed up at my best friend's bookshop here in town called Dear Village and it was really great to be able to talk to them and be able to relate my story to this because it's the first time I've been able to read a book, particularly non of fiction, that talks about a mental health facility and it just I will till the cows come home talk about how much being in hospital really, really helped my life. But reading this book just made me feel normal. So yeah, anyway, that's my two bobs on motherhood, rage and capacity and I hope you enjoy if you learn something, want to chat about something, my DMs are always open and I just really appreciate having you all here in my space. Bye.

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