21. Nobody Talks About This Part of Motherhood

Welcome to episode 21 of She's Honestly Mental. Oh, it feels good to be here. It feels so good to be here. I'm excited. It is great. This is new, a new format. We're doing, uh, what they call these days, uh, long format. And, uh, it's basically me with a couple of cameras. My audio, a fancy light set up in my living room. So obviously if you're not watching the video, you're what, you're listening. And, um, yeah, imagine this, me sitting in my lounge room, which is a hybrid, uh, living room for my children, but then also my office. And it is so fun. It is so fun. And I have been in this deep, deep place of gratitude over the last week because I have been able to create this life where it is normal for me to work from home. And if you know, you know, this is definitely something that hasn't been normal for me in such a long time. And I am just freaking thrilled and stoked because 6 years ago, literally this week, 6 years ago, the world, uh, was going through COVID. But whilst the world was learning about COVID and dealing with that for the first time, I was also hospitalized, uh, for the second time in an inpatient mental health facility. So for me, the polarity between 6 years ago being in hospital in a mental health facility, going through a mental health crisis, to now being in this place where I am wholly and solely content It's pretty freaking amazing. The coolest thing with She's Honestly Mental is about, oh, probably about a month ago, I went to Koh Samui with, uh, my coaching crew, the people that I work with, uh, Tim and Steph from Success School. Huge shout out to these legends, uh, I— we joined them last year through Spotties Mechanical because I wanted to learn from people that were in the know, that are really good with marketing and sales. And we're not the kind of traditional business that Tim and Steph would work with, but I was like, what the heck, like, what have I got to lose? So it was just such a great opportunity to be able to work with Tim and Steph over the last 12 months. We've been able to grow Spotties, we've got new brands on. Oh, and if don't know actually what Spotties is, is my husband and I have a mechanical dealership and repair business. So we sell and service tractors, sprayers, anything kind of that you would find on a farm is what we do. So alongside She's On A Cemental, we've got Spotties Mechanical, and it's just a fun ride. It's Jared's zone of genius, and he is incredibly talented when it comes to anything engine, uh, and that's passed down from like his dad, his granddad. Um, it's just, it just works. Like his brain loves that kind of stuff. And he grew up on a farm. I grew up, um, in the farming industry. So it's, it's one of those things for us. So my job with Spotties is the, the sales and the marketing kind of things. And obviously it's always been around like business operations because that's just how my brain works. Books. Um, and so I joined Tim and Steph because I wanted to learn from people that were really in the know when it came to online marketing and sales and whatever. So I went to one of their planning days in December, and I sat down and I really mapped out what we were doing this year as business focuses. And a couple of times a year they do business retreats, and our last one was in Koh Samui. Last year, uh, as most of you would know if you've listened to the podcast before, if you haven't, uh, I started Choose Honestly Mental obviously from my own lived experience, but I went to Bali last year for another retreat with a friend and I went and recorded the first 3 episodes of Choose Honestly Mental over there in a really cool studio. And I knew then that I wanted the podcast to be in this amazing format of being able to communicate, like watch videos. Um, everyone loves my voice, but also who wouldn't want to see my pretty face? But there's so many really cool things happening with the potty, and it's a just like, watch this space. And I've always been like, hey, I'm going to be doing this thing. It's not really perfect, but come along for the ride anyway because we're going really cool places. And the biggest thing for me with the podcast and with anything I talk about is I'm here to normalize the conversation around mental health. And the more that we can normalize these conversations, The more that it is okay to truly talk about what you're feeling, what is going on for you, and that it is actually safe to talk about it without that judgment, without the fear, without the— and I hate people saying this— without the stigma around mental health or the stigma around conversations. I truly believe that when we say things like, oh, there's such a stigma around mental health. What we're actually saying is you are affirming that there is a stigma around mental health instead of saying, oh yeah, I'm just talking about how I'm feeling and what's going on for me. A lot of the time when we talk about our feelings, we're talking, you know, like surface level stuff, and I'm not here for that. I'm not here for those surface level conversations that are just, oh yeah, like, I'm doing okay. I'm the kind of friend that's going to turn around and be like, Yeah, but really, how are you? So we went to Koh Samui. Welcome to Corrina Rawlinson. We went to Koh Samui. Um, I took a friend with me, Vicki, who works as our consultant CFO, uh, because one of my things has always been my struggle with my conversations around money, impulse control, those things that we don't really like to talk about. And so I brought Vicky along because I wanted her to understand why I invested in Success School, and I also wanted her to kind of understand more around the process of what my role is with marketing, uh, with Spotty's Mechanical, but also with my vision around She's Honestly Mental. And whilst we were there, we were— it was just so nice. Like, it was beautiful. We stayed at this beautiful pink resort called Absolute Sanctuary. Uh, it was healthy, it was yoga, there was Pilates, there was a beautiful pool, but it was like a Barbie dream house in Koh Samui. And that for me was everything. I loved it. I loved it so hard. And I could have— I wanted to come home and like turn my house into this beautiful Barbie dream house. So don't be surprised if in a few weeks you see this studio and it is actually completely drenched in pink, uh, because that's like life goals for me. Anyway, one of the nights, the first night, was like this soiree dinner where you go and meet with all of the, all of the guests that have come over, all of the different business owners. And my beautiful friend Cass, who has done the branding, um, and the brand strategy behind She's Honestly Mental, uh, was chatting to this guy and I was like, hey, how are you going? Who are you? Where are you from? You know, back in the days when we used to be in chat rooms and you'd be on like MSN or whatever, and you'd be like ASL, age, sex, location. I felt like I was saying this to these people. And I said to this guy, I was like, oh cool, who are you? Where are you from? He's like, yeah, hey, I'm Chris Griffin. And I was like, oh, you're actually the guest speaker. And they'd flown Chris over from Malibu. He's this 24-year-old Australian guy. Blonde hair, blue eyes, like very, very young, such a baby. And, um, he was the guest speaker that they brought over and he's got this really cool podcast called The Pocket, but he also educates and coaches people with podcasting. And I knew instantly, I was like, I want to be in the room with this guy. I want to chat to him because he knows things about podcasting and about getting really cool messages across that I don't. And I'm like, I need to know from that person. Anyway, I went back to our hotel that night, did the whole like Google stalk, like Instagram stalked him, Instagram stalked like his page and then the podcast page, and then fell upon like his landing page where it's like, hey, sign up to this and get my free guide on how to improve a podcast. And I was like, yes, please, you're the person that I need. And I went through all of those things and I signed up to like his mailing list and said, yeah, I'm keen and I want to know more. And then literally an hour later, one of his team were calling me and I'm like, uh, really sorry, but I can't talk right now because I'm, um, in Costa Rica and I'm at a conference. I'm about to go and listen to him talk. They're like, sure, no worries. And I knew before I listened to him that day, I walked up to him and I said, hey Chris, I don't really care like what the cost is, but I want to work with you because I want to make this podcast. The place that normalizes the conversations around mental health, the place where women can come and listen and feel heard and be seen for exactly what they're going through. Like, now in this day and age, like, I want us to be the women that are normalizing the conversation, that we're not passing our trauma down to our children, and that we are here. Like, we are here and we are okay, and we're allowed to talk about our emotions, we're allowed to talk about what's really going on for us. We're allowed to talk about that we had a meltdown and we screamed at our children without fear, without judgment. Oh, I feel like I'm on fire. I am just so excited. Anyway, we listened to him talk and it was amazing. Everything that he spoke about was we forget that we are human. Like, one thing we have forgotten, that we are human. Humans rely on connection. Humans rely on conversations. Humans rely on our village. And we don't have villages anymore because we've so walked away from that. And I hope that She's Honestly Mental becomes that village, becomes that place of belonging and safety for all of us. Oh, it's just, I am honored to be here. And so with that piece that we forgot to be, that we've forgotten that we've been human, you know, once Chris finished speaking, everyone's kind of rushed up to him and they're like, we want to talk to you. We want to know all the things. And I walked outside absolutely bawling my eyes out because I felt so seen. I have known for so long that by talking about my journey and what I've been through, and if you don't know. I suppose to preface is that I am a mom of 3 beautiful boys. I have a 13-year-old, an 11-year-old, and a 3-year-old. My husband and I live in Esperance, Western Australia, in the middle of nowhere. We're 800 kilometers from our big city, Perth. And you know, if you've ever seen online the pictures of the beach where the kangaroos are sitting on those, that's where I live. I live literally in this beautiful island paradise. And it is just amazing. I am at the beach or in the water somewhere. Unfortunately, during winter, it's usually at the pool, but we live so close to the ocean, it's insane. Like, at nighttime, when the wind is in the right direction, you can hear the waves crashing. It is spectacular. So we live in this beautiful little paradise, and that brings along with it really, really hard situations when you are trying to get help or when you are trying to talk to someone about what is going on in your life. For instance, oh, for instance, like, I've been hospitalized 3 times for mental health. So 6 and a half years ago, I was going through a really terrible mental health crisis. I was suicidal, I had major depression, and I had generalized anxiety. It was horrible and it was horrific, and I talk more about it in detail in earlier episodes. But life for me was not really sleeping, not really eating properly. I was constantly in fight or flight. I was running my family's business. But with that, my family weren't always around, and so I would avoid going to work as much as I possibly could. My parents would ask me questions about how the business was going, and I would be like, yeah, yeah, it's all good. Meanwhile, we've been cut off by suppliers. We've got, um, you know, it just was people calling me every day going, hey, just wondering if we're going to get this payment. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm thinking, holy shit, if they find out how bad things are, they are going to hate me for the rest of my life. And the things that I was saying to myself were things like, you're a fucking idiot, you're a loser, no one— like, no one loves you, no one wants you to be around, all you've done is make things worse for people. And those kind of things cut deep, but the more you say them to yourself, the more you repeat that to yourself, the more your body and your brain start to believe that that is fact. And so I got to this point where that is what I truly believed, and I thought about myself that I was worthless, that no one loved me, that no one wanted me around. Then that's when those narratives around, well, I think my family's better off without me being here, came in. And so my GP, I was seeing him a lot, and I'm seeing him a lot because at the time my body's nervous system had really started to like just be on fire, which then meant my immune system was really, really shit. And so I was constantly getting sick. And so I'm talking to my doctor about these physical symptoms that were going on. When really the stemming— that what was— where it was all stemming from was from my mental health not being great. And so eventually he picked up on this and we kept having these conversations and he would say to me, Corrina, you're really not okay, but I'm kind of at the limit of where I can help you. And so that's where he said, let's try and find a psychiatrist, someone that's really good at dealing with medication. And let's see what we can do. And so we managed to find an appointment for a psychiatrist. Again, being 800 kilometers from home, it's really hard to be able to work through that. And so he said, right, we've got someone, we've managed to tee up a telehealth appointment. And just think of today how easy it is to do telehealth appointments. 6 and a half years ago, it was not that easy to do it. Like, it was— it's just, we don't talk about what we were going through back then. And I feel like, you know, when your parents would say, back in my day I used to walk 6 kilometers to school and up the hill and carry all the jugs of water and blah blah blah— we're not talking about that from centuries ago. We're actually talking about this from just 6 years ago. And so when we finally got this appointment with the psychiatrist At that point, my family then knew how bad my mental health was and knew that I was suicidal and knew that I was not well. And I was able to talk to them honestly about how bad the business was doing. And as hard as it was having those conversations with them, it was such a sense of relief because I was able to truly tell them what was going on. And there is power in that. If you can be in a place where someone can actually sit and listen to you and see you without judgment, how freeing it is to be able to offload those things is amazing. So when I finally had this appointment with my psychiatrist, she said, Corrina, And like, I have trauma from my childhood, things like sexual assault, things like my parents breaking up, uh, and other bits and pieces throughout life. They all added up. And this is where they talk about PTSD actually being complex PTSD, because there is events that have compounded through your life, different traumatic moments that add up. And when you enter into another situation that is similar to what's the trauma that's happened before, your body responds in the way that is as if that trauma is real, even though it's not the same situation. That's where the anxiety and the depression and all of those things kick back in, is your body's nervous system going, I've been here before, holy shit, like freak out. And she said, Corrina, you have PTSD. And I just thought, what? Why? And she said things like, you've had two sons really close together. So my eldest two boys were only 20 months apart. And I remember my second pregnancy, I really didn't connect with that baby for so long. And even with my first pregnancy, I thought, what are you doing? Why are you having a baby? This is going to ruin your life. This is going to ruin everything in a sense of I'm no longer going to be available for my family and my friends and all of the commitments that I have in my life to be able to— what am I doing? Like, you're an idiot. This is— why are you pregnant? Why are you having a baby? And when my babies arrived, I remember, you know, I would be triggered by a certain situation of trying to be committed to work and trying to still hold the life that I lived before I had children. Like, no one talks about that. No one talks about it, what it's like to go from being someone, being a woman, being a mum, that transition of you can go and get your hair done, you can go get your nails done, you can go get your waxing done, you can go out to dinner, you can, you could do all of these things. Like, having a child completely changes your identity, and I I think not having processed traumas and things that I had been through because I was fine as a child, then becoming a mother, it just really heightened my nervous system. And they do talk about this now around women who potentially, like ADHD women that have undiagnosed ADHD, when they go from being themselves, just them, to then parenting, when you have these huge hormonal changes and big rises in emotions, just how much we don't talk about that. And that if your body is not prepared and you haven't built the systems or the tools or the support around you when you're transitioning through these massive life stages, such as having a baby or menopause, how much your brain is like a fucking nightmare. It's honestly, it is crazy. And so again, this is one of the, the things that I really hope that we can normalize through this conversation with the podcast, through the podcast, is just talking about it in a really safe way. And I do still really get afraid when I do talk about mental health and when I do talk about what I've been through for a couple of reasons. One is because I'm very, very aware of others and their own mental health, whether something I might talk about might accidentally trigger them. And then also the judgment of people looking at me being like, oh, Corrina, she's the crazy one. And I do still actually get that. I do still have people that go, she's a looper, she's an idiot. Like, and I'm, I'm dealing with one of those situations at the moment, and I'm just having to really ground myself in who I am and that trusting of, I know I'm a good person, and if people don't like that, then that is on them. And it's really, really hard, but it's something that I'm having to learn. And so I think about how I've gone from this woman living with severe anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, PTSD, to this woman that sits in this chair right now in this room. She's still the same person, but what she's learned is she's learned to love herself exactly as she is, exactly how she is, for exactly who she is, exactly the person that she is. Learning and understanding that I'm always doing the best that I can with what I know, and then if I stuff up, I own it. I definitely am not perfect. I'm a human, and humans make mistakes, but I own them. I've learned tools that help me on a day-to-day basis. I've learned different techniques of how to handle situations to make it easier for me to get through. I know when I first launched this podcast, I talked a lot about How I couldn't go into Woolworths to do the grocery shopping, and now I pop into Woolies like maybe once or twice a week. Jared still doesn't love it when I go shopping because I always end up buying way more than what we actually need, but I do it without any anxiety, without any tension, without feeling like I want to vomit, and I come home and I'm regulated. So yeah, I'm just, I'm so thrilled and I'm stoked and I am really, really excited for this new version of She's Honestly Mental. I cannot wait for the new episodes to come and yeah, just an absolute moment of gratitude for every single person that's ever listened in. Please make sure that you do subscribe and just watch this space because there are some really cool things coming and I can't wait to share them with you all.