101: Coming back from rock bottom with Jenn Newman (Enneagram 3W4)

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

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Welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And you know, I've been talking about how the podcast is going to change a little bit come the first of the year. And I'm going to be doing more like live coaching specifically around the Enneagram. And, and so I was thinking, like, how do I want to like, finish out my interview series, like chapter one or season one? And I was thinking, you know what? I'm going to bring on my closest, closest friends, the people that I have grown with. They've held space for me in ways that I've never let anyone in my life ever hold space for me. And today is absolutely one of my very best friends. And we met each other 16 years ago at a Pampered Chef party, of all things. It was hilarious. I had, gosh, my kids were like 7 and 6 and she had a newborn baby and we just met and clicked right away. She's just got this infectious, infectious spirit. And even though we were in different paths of our lives, we just totally connected. And then, you know, through life and a recession and loss and so many obstacles for both of us, it took us separate ways. She ended up in New York. I was in Arizona with my own shit show. She was dealing with her own.

And we'd always kind of kept in touch. This is the beautiful part of social media is thank goodness for that because we were able to kind of see each other growing through life and growing grueling, the grueling parts of life and just send just so much love, even energetically, even if it wasn't through words. And, you know.

We'Re so much alike and very different at the same time. We both grew up in ways that we shouldn't have had to, quite honestly. We both grew up well beyond when we should have had to. She's got this one picture, you guys. I seriously want to post it. She looks like Tootsie as a sixth grader. Now, I know those of you that are younger than 40, you have no idea what that reference is, but it's hilarious. Like, she looks like an older lady even in like the fifth and sixth grade because her, her soul is so wise, old and beautiful and definitely I'm so grateful to have her in my life. And, you know, it was, we both had a rebuilding year and it was the same year. And even though we didn't know what each other was going through at the time, when we reconnect a few years after that, like, it brought our whole relationship full circle. And this is, you know, this has been a year for so many of us that has come with extreme loss and extreme grief and extreme uncertainty and extreme fear for a lot of you. And when I think about Jen Newman and myself, 2008 was our Covid year, basically. For a lot of what a lot of you are facing right now, we faced 12 years ago. And I think that kind of prepared us to elegantly and not so elegantly handle the year that 2020 is. But you're going to hear about.

What it feels like to come back from rock bottom more than once and the courage to start over even when you don't have to. Because she's kind of been pivoting herself the last year or so and feeling a deep calling. And for her and I, and I know many of you listening, it's really easy to pivot when your back's against the wall and when all hell is breaking loose. And actually it's kind of where her and I both shine. She's a three on the Enneagram and we'll get into that whole story too. But really having the courage to pivot and go to what our soul has been calling us all along to do and stepping into the timing of it even when it doesn't make sense. And I am so excited to bring you guys my dear friend Jen Newman, who is a like high level luxury realtor here in the Valley of the Sun. She's a incredible, accomplished soloist, opera singer. I may, I may have her bust into some kind of tune here, but like the most glorious, like, I get gooseies every time I hear her voice. I look forward to my birthday only because her, her husband and her, her daughter sing to me on my birthday. It's my favorite part of my birthday. It's really the only part about my birthday I like and you're just gonna fall in love with her the way I have. She's a multimillion dollar producer, all the things, like super successful. She's a three, so you know, she gets shit done. My dear friend, Jen Newman, welcome.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you for having me in this special space too. This is really beautiful. Thank you for including me in this. I appreciate it so much.

Who would have thought in 2004 that this is what this would look like for both of us?

Oh, my goodness. Right? Yeah. Meeting in a pampered chef party. Seriously? Yeah.

Here we are slinging, you know, kitchen pizza stones and food choppers and. And all sorts of shit. I just wanted all the things because I love kitchen gadget gadgets and stuff. Why did you like it?

I was so fascinated. You know, I was so not your typical housewife mom. I was like, so not that. And there was something about my girlfriend who took me to that party. She was like, you're just gonna love it and you're gonna learn, like, recipes too. And I was like, that's awesome. Okay, let's do it. And I had just gotten super into Barefoot Contessa at the time, and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna go play some Ina right there at the pampered chef party. And truth be told, I think it really was a grounding. Bring families back to the table. And that is really what connected with me. I was like, this is incredible. It doesn't have to be so difficult. Like, let's just have this beautiful meal together. And yeah, let's also use some pretty cool gadgets at the same time. But that was really the draw.

It was my draw too. Is like bringing the family together. You know, I had a young family. You had a young family. I'm not your typical housewife either. I mean, one of my neighbors used to call me Martha Stern all the time. Like half. Half Martha Stewart, half Howard Stern rolled up in one. And, you know, we kind of met each other and fell in love with each other back then. And then life happened. Right? And I know there's a lot of you listening that when we hear the number 2008, I know that, like, I get something in the pit of my stomach. I wouldn't wish.

Absolutely.

I wouldn't wish what you and I have been through, through that on anyone. But I wouldn't trade it either. So what did that look like for you?

So here we were, this young family. At the time, we had a four year old, or almost. That's not true. By 08. We had a four year old, but when it really started for us was. 06 and you know, we did all the things we were told. I was raised in a generation where if you have money to put down on anything, you buy a house. And you know, Jim and I, that was, you know, Jim had just sold some family property. That was the last bit of legacy that both of his.

Siblings, they agreed that it was time to sell a piece of land. That was the last legacy from their mom. She had passed away when, when my husband was 10. And so here we were. Why wouldn't we take that money and invest in real estate? And that meant to buy a house for us. And we did that. And then we got caught up in like, well, we need a bigger house. We need, you know, we're going to grow our family. We need all the things. And.

We built a big house and we took everything that we had in our first house and rolled it into our second. And it was, we did all the right things. We had the good mortgage, we had the amazing down payment. We built a house across the street from Jim's sister. We did all the things to create community. And we were really thinking long term, this is the house we're going to stay in for the long haul. And my Jim worked for a home builder at the time. And as anyone who went through that experience knows, especially here in Arizona, it was ground zero for the Great Recession. And one day he was working and one day he wasn't. And he went from an office of 500, they went down to a dozen. He made it through five rounds of layoffs. And I was singing professionally at the time and home with our daughter. And so.

Wow. I mean, it was like, this is a game changer. Here we are in this house, we're doing all, we've done all the right things, and now we can't get work to save our lives. And so overnight, you know, everyone was upside down in their, in their houses. And for us, the stakes were high. We had invested a sizable amount of money into making, to making that work. And overnight it was gone. And, you know, I think there's a lot, you know, in retrospect we can all say there were so many of us in that boat, right? Millions of people were affected at that time. It felt, at least for me personally, it felt like I was the only one. It felt like we had done something wrong, that somehow we were being punished and that we had somehow we clearly must have made a bad decision. And I think that was what was so humbling about that time, it just was. Oh, my goodness. I mean, to lose your home is an extraordinary. It's a tragedy. And we lost our jobs, we lost our home. Lila, our daughter was hospitalized. We had already lost our insurance. And so here we were, our child is in the hospital for 10 days with no insurance. That looks. That looks like one hell of a bill.

And we made it for about. We made it for almost nine months. And here we were, the money runs out, and what are we going to do? And the last thing I wanted to do was to have to make the tough choices. But there was no way out. And the only way out to save our family, to save our integrity, to save what that feeling of hope was to declare bankruptcy, which we did and we did. We lost it all. And here you go. From having all the things, the cars, the house, you know, the furniture, all the things that we think are on this linear path of you get married, you have children, you buy a bigger house, you stay there forever. At least that's how I was raised. And all of a sudden, overnight, it's gone. And wow. I mean, it's something, I think something.

That you said that really stung me. And you and I have talked at length hours and hours and hours about this, like, doing the right thing and shit still going sideways. I mean, we early in our life were always kind of doing damage control and always taking inventory of what's happening around us and keeping peace and knowing what to do and what to say to not ruffle feathers, to gain approval and worth via our fathers. I mean, we have very similar background there. And I know that for you as an enneagram3 and me as an enneagram8, when we're doing all the right things and shit goes sideways, that does not sit well at all. And so even though tactically and exteriorly, Jen just handles shit.

How are you navigating that emotionally?

It turns so dark and so inward. It's so inward. I mean, I searched my soul up and down, sideways, back and forth, trying to understand how it could have happened. Because when you do come from a background that you are always on high alert, there that is such an environment of fear. And, you know, as you and I have discussed at length to have, you know, in my house, my father was the breadwinner, my father had the control. And so I vowed to myself that I was not going to be a woman that was going to have be controlled financially by my partner. And so I went the other extreme, which was, you know, that it is what it is. I Went the other way and was bound and determined that I would be able to support my family no matter what, on my own. And so when all of that happened, you have these circumstances. The mentality at the time was that people who lost everything had done something really screwed up. And so I kept soul searching, like, what did I do wrong? And then you have. On top for me personally, on top of that was the voice of my father. See, this is. This is, you know, this is all your fault. You should have been. You should have done this differently. You should have saved more money. You should have had all the limiting beliefs, the negative self talk. I mean, I might as well have just. I took the bat to myself over and over and over again. Yeah, that I think was at the core. And as you and I both know for each other, you back me into a corner like that where it's do or die, and I will do the hell out of it. Let's go. I will fix it. But the amount of shame and the amount of grief that was wrapped up in that.

I was not prepared for how long I would hold on to that experience.

Shit, right? Oh, I have goosebumps just thinking about it. Like, you're taking me right back there, too. Because 2006 is where my unraveling began, with the divorce that was happening. And then boom, the recession. And then we both kind of like in parallel lives, feel like we can finally sort of come up for air. Still a shit show, still bearing shame and guilt and loathing and. But nothing to see here, people. Nothing to fucking see. Here. We are good. We're fine, right?

Yep.

And then.

Right.

And then 2012 hits us both square between eyeballs. You know, the house that I'm living in, you've. You've been here many a time. And you know, this house, I didn't buy it in 2012. I bought it in 2015. But the same year that I was getting back down to ground zero a second time in 2012. So is this house. And it was rebuilt in 2012. I find that so fascinating that this. And it's funny, I just noticed out on my back patio, the people that lived here before put their names in 2012 on here. Oh, very cool. So I know that you were. You had already moved over to New York at this point. You went from a 3,000 square foot home to an 800 square foot home in Brooklyn, right?

That's right.

Brooklyn, baby. I mean.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you just fit the T shirt. Okay, so she's an Enneagram with a four Wing a very strong, beautiful eccentric. I mean, the way this woman dresses and the red lips and, like, the hair, it's like she belonged in New York for that time. And it allowed you to kind of keep that mask on that like, we're good. This was. This was my choice. This is what I wanted.

That's right. Well, and you know, interestingly enough, when I look back on that time, you know, we had lived in New York City. I mean, that's the singer dream. That's the dream. Like, you know, this is where I'm going to go. This is where I'm going to succeed in this. And we were there from 2002 to 2004. And I wasn't ready to leave. I wasn't ready to leave then. And so 2009 here, you know, here it comes where I literally pack a suitcase. I have 48 hours to leave Phoenix, get to New York for a job interview. And. And to your point, I mean, that was almost.

I almost. It was a sense of triumph in the midst of the shit show. It was a sense of triumph because I was back.

Right.

And it's familiar. And, you know, New York is an amazing place because you. It's so full, but you can be so incredibly anonymous there. And so you're surrounded by people and you're surrounded by activity and motion and action and energy, but it can be the loneliest place in the world. And there we were back in that environment. So, yeah, there was a sense that it's like, well, damn it, I'm back. And not only am I going to make it, we're going to succeed. We're going to crush it. And that was the goal. And. And in many, many ways we did. But then for me, 2012 happened, and then the wheels came off the bus in a whole other way. And it felt. It's an incredible thing to then be in a place where, you know, you're supposed to be, but now, now the masks have to come off. And I was not prepared. I was not prepared.

No. When you are assigned to give three eulogies in the course of one year, one of them being your only sibling that dies of a drug overdose to lead the. The trifecta here.

That, that, like my 2012, same thing, the loss of my dad, really, like, there's no mask wearing at this point. None. And in the same regard, towards the end of it, even though you were still grieving, you know, grandparents and things like that, there was a rebirth happening in you as there was in me and the tree. I mean, I've got this picture on my phone. I know this is going to be something huge one day, but you could feel that through this loss and through this pain and this darkness, there will be light. You did believe it, and I did, too. I couldn't see how, but we knew that why. And I think that for you as well, and many of you listening, that we have to really believe that some of the shit we've been through is going to matter for something much bigger than ourselves. And it's hard when you're in it. It's hard when you're in such insane pain and pain that you've masked for decades. I mean, we were about 40 years old around that time. I was 40. You were a little bit younger than me. But when all masks come off and we're left with just the raw wounds, that brings a whole different kind of dragon.

Out of these two girls, right?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

So you're coming out of that. And then this is where the part of the story where we reconnect, right? Like, you kind of get through that. You're still chugging along in New York. All of a sudden, I get this message, hey, let's chat.

It ain't Pampered Chef anymore. Now she's like. She's like, what the hell are you doing? You look younger. I need some. I need some shit in my life that makes me feel better because I am burning the candle at both ends and Amen. And the wheels are flying off the bus. And so we reconnected and gotta tell the story about the beach house.

Do it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, you know, it's interesting, like, here you are. I knew that the wheel to come off your bus from all. From social media. It's so interesting that you said that in the beginning because that is what kept us connected on this very peripheral level. And I remember watching you go through the hell that you went through during that time, and that was how I related to you. Because at the same time, I'm over dealing with all sorts of fun. And the other piece was that with my brother dying of addiction and watching how you turned your life around, I felt such.

Compassion for. For the walk that you walked, because I knew watching my own sibling lose the battle, but to watch you so with so much grit and grace to go through that process and then to come out the other side, and more importantly, how you were leading other people, and I watched that transformation in you. That was what was so amazing to me to see. And so, yes, I was like, whatever you're doing, sis. I want some of that. Because that it was. It was a very. It was a time where I knew I needed more in my life. I couldn't even put my finger on it in that case. It was like, is it nutrition? Is it this? Is it. That didn't matter. I knew I needed more and wanted more. Because when that dust starts to settle after extreme tragedy and loss, you do step back from the ashes and look ahead and go, what is this all for? And what am I going to do with it?

Right?

It's not for nothing. God doesn't waste pain. And so there is that feeling of. But then we don't always know how he's going to use the healing either. And that was. But that was where I stood at that time. I'm like, oh, wow. Yes, I rebuilt my life. Yes, I'm standing strong, but I want more. And I felt guilty for that. I felt incredibly guilty that somehow, well, look what you've come through, and you've come out the other side. How dare you want more? Isn't this enough? And that is when enter. Enter Tracy O' Malley and back into my life. In it 2.0. 2 point. Exactly. And then you open up. I mean, I meet some. I meet people in that infamous beach house in San Diego. You know, you. You said, come to San Diego. And I was like, just get here.

Just get here. I'll handle it.

I'm like, okay. Talk about a leap of faith for the control freak that I am. I'm like, I'm going across the country. I'm staying in a house with women I have never met before. I haven't seen Trace at that point. God, we hadn't seen each other in what, decade? 12 years. Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I've lost my mind. And I'll never forget. I'll never forget Jim saying to me, that's all the more reason that you have to go. You've got to go. And so I said yes at the last minute, too. Like, let's do it. And that trip fundamentally changed my life. It's interesting how. And who knew at the time when we all came together, the outcome now looks very different than it did then.

Oh, my gosh.

It's so all of us. For all of us. But it was that moment which, again, this is why I feel so strongly about community, because it was a community of women who came together, saw the best in each other, wanted the best for each other, and that was that. That was the pivotal moment. That was. That's permission. When you're Surrounded. When your tribe that surrounds you really supports and gives you permission and encourages you to want more for your life, knowing that's going to mean a lot more. Work on yourself. It's going to mean all sorts of other things, but that's the permission for growth. That's where the magic happens. And let's be honest, that's when it changed. Was that infamous trip.

Yes. Thank God. And it brought you back to Arizona. And ironically, like what was happening in 2015 when all of us were collectively plunging that toilet in that beach house.

Oh, yeah, we could. That is a story. That is true. I did. Yeah. That's an icebreaker. Just plug the toilet. When you're in a house with all women you don't know and just plug the toilet. That's all you gotta do. Nothing can bond people better than that.

Give o' Malley a plunger and we're good.

And we're good.

We're good.

That's it.

But I think what you said is so pivotal, like how that journey started for the five or six of us that were there and how it's turned out. I don't think any of us really could have predicted what would happen from there. But you're right. It was this catalyst of. And all of us that were there weren't really women friendly, shall I say? We weren't very trusting of women, shall we say? We all had moms that are amazing women, but didn't model what a strong, independent woman looks like. A career woman, specifically none of them. And for us to be collectively in one area, bringing out the best in each other, and then all of a sudden it's starting to take different things because you were like, okay, maybe this is it. And then it became very humbling for the enneagram 3 in you, which you didn't know at the time that you were in enneagram 3. But for you to have a goal and not hit it was really, really challenging. And you.

Oh, it was. It was massive. Yeah.

And not like for. For the first time in your entire life with Jim, which is now, what, 22 years, 23 years to not be the main breadwinner and feel that not only vulnerability that you're not in control of the finances and you're not in control of this outcome that you had set.

Oh, yeah. That was a recipe for fun times. That was a recipe for fun times for sure. That was the year I call 2016. I mean, you're absolutely right. If you put a goal in front of me, I'm going to achieve It. That's it. And that.

I had a goal. I left corporate America. Here I am. I'm going to have this network marketing business. I'm like, I've got this. I've got this baby. And I walk away because.

I knew it was time for me to go build my own dreams, not somebody else's.

And to walk away. And folks, I would never. Oh, my Lord. I think about that time and you talk about bold to just cut it off. I'm like, I'm done burning the boats. Go. I'm burnt. Oh, I burned the boats big time. Good Lord. And then for it to not work. Yeah, that was awesome. That was an awesome time. I say that tongue in cheek because I didn't understand. And I'm such a person that wants to analyze it and figure it out. The Virgo in me is like, I just need. I analyze, like, okay, where were my missteps? And who knew that that year of 2016, I called it the year of the diaper. And I say that because I felt like I was in a dirty diaper all year long. Like, I couldn't. I didn't know what to do next. I was not used to not achieving what I wanted. But I also knew in the humble pie that you said, like, for Jim to be the primary breadwinner for me to have to take a backseat to that and then to realize, like, you got to take a big old dose of your own medicine. When that happens, it was just like one big slice of pie after, after another. Having to take it and really navigate that and understand that and knowing that I was still not supposed to go back to what was safe. That was the kicker. That was the kicker. Because when you know better, you do better. Yes. Then you find out that when you know better, you may not have actually quote, unquote, on paper, done better. But, you know, now there's no going back. You can't go back. You know, there's an amazing song in musical theater from the musical Ragtime that it's called Back to Before. And the. The end of that song is, you can never go back to before. And that was. That was this moment. And I'm standing, going, God, what do you want me to do with my life? I have left corporate America. I am standing here. I'm not a good stay at home mom. I really suck at it. And I really want to work and I want to build a legacy. And I don't understand. I thought this was the legacy I was going to build, and it failed.

And it actually, like, on paper, yes. But what it was doing all along was preparing you for the. For exactly what you are doing. And it's ironic that it's in real estate because for you to go through what you went through in 2008 and now that experience and that pain and that heartbreak and that shame, even that you've done a lot of healing around is the very thing I know. And we've talked at length about this too. Why you are like hands down, way different than any other real estate person I've ever met in my life because you bring that compassion, empathy, humility and understanding to every client. But. But that failure on paper, like you can't do what you're doing today. And so those of you listening right now that feel like you're in the biggest shit show of your life and you have regret and shame and you've got the laundry list of all the piss poor decisions you've made and even some of the things that were out of your control, like I'm promising you, it's setting you up. Like my dear friend Tim Story says, a setback is just a setup for the comeback.

Amen to that.

And it really is. And even though when you're in the middle of the dirty diaper and you're swimming in your own shit, which I know you were, it was very humbling that it was preparing you for what was next.

Hands down, there is absolutely no way that I could have skipped that step.

It's impossible. The lessons, the discipline, the commitment, the focus, focus, the ability to work for myself, the. All of those things, there is absolutely no way I was ready for that had I not had what did feel like the biggest failure. And that's ironic. I'd already lost my home, I'd already lost all my things, I lost my family. All of that happens. But that still as a three, as an achiever, that felt like the biggest loss.

Because that was like.

That's right. I made that choice and then it failed. Are you kidding? And it was absolutely the best decision I could have ever made. And thank God it didn't work out. Thank God it didn't work out because it did set me up for something with a purpose and a layer of a level of fulfillment I never could have anticipated.

One of the things I love about doing personal development work and you and I have done extensive healing and therapy and I mean, and we're continuing, continuing it because. New levels, new devils. Right?

You know, Right.

What the. There's another layer here. Like. Yeah, next level layer. I mean, my God, like, if you guys could see our Marco Polos to each other, they're. They're amazing. But, you know, the fact that that same beach house brought you connecting to people, that we're all friends today, still amazing friends, and they connect you to the first person that's going to teach you real estate. And you are going to go work for yourself and understanding, like, and myself included, like, working for myself is great. And it's the biggest mind fuck, and it exposes all of your own stuff. Because we can't start pointing fingers. We can't bulldoze people. Like, we can do, like, threes and eights can bulldoze people. Very different reasons, but we still do that. And I know that in that learning process, you. You. You're like the most coachable person I've ever met in my life and, like the dreamiest person in the world to walk alongside a journey with, because you are just. When you make your mind up, you really go after it. And I remember watching you for, was it two and a half years with the same brokerage, really take it all in. And then there was this moment that shit just didn't feel right. And you were comfortable and you were doing just fine, and things were great, and the gen in you that doesn't really love to rock the boat was about to. And I remember it was the vortex vibes of Sedona, Arizona. We're all sitting there.

Oh, my God.

Shall we talk about that? Like, let's talk about that.

I think we should totally talk about the vortex is real. Let's also say that, I mean, my God, the scenes that came out of that weekend, no question the vortex is real. Yeah, let's dig into that for a hot second because everything works fine.

And even though you knew you wanted to change, you were resistant because probably PTSD from 2016, you made this big decision to move across the country and it didn't work out. This is working just fine. Why the fuck would I go and explore something different, bigger, better? My soul's calling. Where I'm supposed to be.

Yep.

And I remember we were sitting at that little cafe in Sedona, and the numbers person in me starts breaking down some numbers for you.

Oh, yeah. You know, it's just so fun. I wish people really could just have a bird's eye view to that day, because we're all of us. Where all of us, the four of us that were there together, all of our beautiful, the most authentic parts of our personality came through. I mean, this is what I'm saying. Put, you know, put people around yourself that are so authentic, that are willing to tell you the truth, like, the real truth. You know, we talk so much. I believe love always wins. Right? I really do believe that. But there's a caveat to that, and that is that love also means really difficult conversations. It means sometimes telling the really unpopular things that no one has the guts to say. And when you have people who love you enough to tell you the truth and to hold the mirror up and say, pss. If you were sitting on the other side of this, you would say X.

That's. That's powerful stuff right there. And that's exactly what happened in Sedona. And, of course, leave it to you to be like. Just FYI, the numbers. P.S. look like this. I'm like, Damn it, O'. Malley. Really? And then, of course, oh, my goodness, one of my other dearest friends says the hard truth and was like, you got to do something about this. That felt like entitlement. I mean, it felt, like, really crazy for me to do that again. You uncover another limiting belief when. Where are we told that we can't just go after it and keep growing to the next level? That doesn't make you less loyal. It doesn't make you less committed. It doesn't mean you're flaky or flighty. Doesn't mean that you're being arrogant about it. But when you follow that gut, follow that inner truth.

It just. It's a beautiful process. It can be scary and lonely as hell, but it is a beautiful, beautiful process. And I was so grateful to have three other women standing around holding my hand, saying, you gotta jump, sis. You gotta do it.

And we got you.

And I was like. And that you had my back. And that's an incredible moment in time right there.

Well, and then let's just be real. Less than maybe two hours later, who was in the hot seat then with Ms. Jen Newman. And you guys know I'm pretty tough. And there aren't many people in my life that will go toe to toe with me and tell me the hard truth, because I can be a little dragon. Like, when I'm pushed and you brought me to my knees in that vortex vibe. And what transpired for me right after that, too, is as, you know, very powerful and uncomfortable. But necessary. But necessary. And, you know, surround yourself. And I know there's a lot of you listening, like, I want that kind of people. I want those kind of people in my life. Well, the only way that that's going to happen is if you make room for them, and you got to let go of the. The riff raff. And you got to let go even of family members. It doesn't mean you don't love them or you aren't loyal like Jen said, but, like, in order for the abundant relationships to come in, you have to make room for them.

Absolutely.

We all had done that. And I think, you know, surrounding yourself with people that are very different, I mean, on that trip. So this is funny because this is where we also found out Jen was mistyped and she. I knew she was going to battle me on this, so she was mistyped originally as an eight. She's got a lot of eight qualities, for sure. I'm an eight, she's a three. Our other friend is a six, and our other friend, I believe, is a one. And so very dynamic, very different personalities and different parts of our life. And there's something to be said about. I mean, we're like golden girls meet sex in the city.

So true.

Stairway, corridors. Because we're laughing at each other, like peeing ourselves. Literally. So funny. But there's something to be said about surrounding yourself with people that with love will tell you the truth, because they see what's in front for you, and they only want the greatness that's inside of you to come out and for you to shine that on the world. And, you know, for you to do that after, I mean, very boldly, within. Was it like a month? You did.

Oh, God, yeah. I said, didn't I say it'll be next year? Year sometime? Yeah. Four weeks later, boom.

And I was like. And I was like, okay, so if you wait till next year, you know this listing that you've got coming up in March, what that will cost you?

Yeah, you pretty much. You pretty much laid it out there, o'. Malley. Uh huh. You did. I love it.

Okay, so let's talk about the enneagram and you being mistyped. And when you told me that you had typed on one of those assessments as an 8, I was like, I see the behaviors because you and this is where you and I are a lot alike. We have the same behaviors, but the motive could not be more different.

And I remember coming to Sedona, you're like, all right, I still don't believe that you're right, but let's. And I knew I had to build a case. I was like, this is why. This is why. This is why. This is where you go in growth. This is. And this is your four wing. And this is like. But you were so fixated about the three. Like, I'm not a show off. I'm not fake.

Mm. Yeah. Because I listen. I sang before I talked. So I've been on stage my entire life. And for me, that was a very sacred space. That was the place I was unharmed, untouchable. I knew that that singing, singing saved my life. And that's a. That's a different podcast for a different day. But that is really. That is the God's honest truth.

I know.

And so as a performer, yes, if you want to call me a performer, because I sit on stage and performed, great. But when it came, people always like to twist the knife with that. And it was always about, well, you're just, you know, you just want all the attention. You want the spotlight. I'm actually very uncomfortable in the spotlight, believe it or not.

I know you are.

I don't like that. I would much rather be behind the scenes and. But I know how to handle myself in that situation. So I think as a three, this whole three thing, it was always about the fake that, you know, the phony, the show we. And then you have this four wing too. It's like, oh, Jesus, is that really who I am? I wanted to be. I'm like, no, I take charge. I'm a. I can be a pit bull. I can go and do. And this.

Because that felt so. It felt very personal. It felt like, see, this is every freaking time that the performing piece comes up, it's because I was, what, trying to hide something? No. And yeah, you're right. I was like, you better bring all the facts because I'm not taking. I was like, I. I took the test. I remember. I mean, you sat with me when I took the test and that three way tie and. And honest to God, it resonated to a point. But when you presented the case with your file folder, right. When you presented the case that day, what really changed for me was actually, I don't know if anyone else has felt this, but it was the wings. It's the wings that told the story for me really, more than anything else. I never really related in that time to the seven or the nine.

Right.

I was like, oh, it's because I'm just a true eight, yet wrong. Oh, it's actually because you're just not that at all. And it was the two four wing piece, especially the four. I will say that that was when you won your case. I was like, okay, okay, fine. Okay, fine.

And I think the other part that was really powerful and I think I saw the, like the light go on when, because you have this connectability with people, you're so heart centered centered, even though you are very instinctual. And you in a growth pattern takes on that instinctual six. But that heart centered person that you are in, everything that you do is feeling. I mean, even when you sing like you can feel you. And.

The fact that you have so many pockets of communities that you are a part of, still very, very strong to this day, like back in New York in the singing community, in the church community, in the real estate community. And you're. I have goosebumps just thinking about that. And I said to you, an 8 would never do that.

Yep, we wouldn't. That was the moment. That was the moment. And I couldn't argue with that, that that was it. That's where the argument stopped.

And that's kind of where you called me on my own bullshit in the vortex when you said, okay, Amelia, you want to do this whole thing on your own? Like, yeah, as an eight. Yeah. Kind of do. I kind of do. But I don't.

But you don't.

I don't.

But you don't.

But that's a whole nother story that we will, you know, share another time.

So you, you make the move, a big move. And of course excel. And of course you're like, okay, who's the top performer in this brokerage firm?

I'm after it. So, so three of you, by the way.

So three of me. So three of me. It's. It's a beautiful thing when those people are just people that you have such unbelievable respect for because you realize that they are heart centered too and that everyone there has permission to just soar. And so that is a beautiful thing. So the three in me is like, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go. I should be reminded, Ms. Newman, you may have only been in real estate for X amount of time. Like, give yourself a break for a second. Give yourself some credit where credit is due. Do. But yeah, the competitive part of me is like, let's go, let's go.

But I think even in our conversations together on this, like, that competitive part of you is so rooted back to that little girl looking like Tootsie that was always trying to earn approval and worth, Always, always really giving her the grace too today that, like, listen, I know that you want to do this. Like, let's make sure we're doing it for the reason that's good for us and not just because we feel like that's how we Prove our worth. And ironically, you really recognizing that, especially the last year, our journey together this last year has been crazy with this kind of stuff that we talk about with each other. Our little girls inside of us definitely know each other.

And watching you even excel more coming from that place of I love it. And I think when we step into alignment for why we do what we do, not just what we do, like when you really, it wasn't about what you were doing and what you achieved, but why you were doing it. And I think when we step into that, for those of you, when we make big moves like you did in 2016 and then again in 2019, I think that path to accelerating to the next thing or what else is there. Like, even though you're happy with what you're doing and you love it and you crush it and you will probably always do it, and when we uncover some of the old stuff, it reveals the next stuff. And we don't even know. Like, I think you and I have talked about this. We see the bigger picture, like the summit. Like, we're at the bottom of, you know, Piesta Peak, and we can see the summit. We're headed there. But how the fuck do we get there? How the hell is that going to happen? And you're kind of there now. I'm kind of there now. It's like, I know it's glorious, but oh, my word.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, we also know too, that, you know, we've also seen a pattern in our own lives where we've been broken wide open before. Major growth and major change has happened, too. And a lot of times that pain has facilitated some major shifts. So I think I know for myself. I have to table it with extreme gratitude of where I am right now in the present moment to keep myself grounded. It is so easy to go off the rails as an achiever. It is real easy to go off the rails and get real caught up in things that are because of that little girl that is still healing. And that has been what has helped me greatly with using the Enneagram in my own life and my home at work is. Is being able to tell myself on a daily basis, you know, you've lost everything you've done that you were so loved. You have achieved some pretty cool things in your life that didn't make you more loved. And when you start that piece, that message to myself, which is, you're just loved because you're this. You are a mirror. You're a living, breathing, unrepeatable miracle. That's what Every single one of us. That's what we are. We are unrepeatable. So why would my, why would, you know, my self love for my, you know, my self love or the love that comes from friends or family or whatever, that, whatever. However that love is exchanged, why would that only be tied to achievement? And the answer is it's not. And so that has helped me step into that three part of myself with some grace and compassion, understanding that what fueled that was from extreme pain. Yes, that was painful stuff. And now it's like it's giving permission to re parent myself and to be able to take that little girl who did not get an ounce of attention. It was never enough. I was never good enough. I never. There is no way, even at first, 44 years old, with the things that have happened in my life with those, you know, with my own parents, it's still not enough. And that was like the aha moment of my life, honestly, was to realize doesn't have anything to do with that. Nothing. God loves you for you. You're on this earth because of who you are. That's, that's more than enough. And it tables that achievement, it tables that burning desire, that behind the scenes, you know, if I don't do this, I won't be loved, I won't be accepted. I mean, who. I didn't realize at this age that I didn't realize that we would be here having these conversations about these wounds that.

I really didn't. If you told me that 15 years ago, I feel like I'm good. I got this like totally look at what I'm doing. Right.

Shall I pull up the spreadsheet of my achievements?

Yes, let me go ahead and break it down for you. Yeah.

So one of the things that I've said to people before is like when we kind of do dive into putting. Connecting the dots, so to speak. I love puzzles. And our lives, when we look back, it's not to like wallow in it, it's to put the pieces together. And. And I often say, like, whenever you're doing a puzzle, there's this one weird piece that you can never figure out where the fuck it goes. What, what it, like, why is this, is this in the wrong box? And you keep putting it like further away, but somehow it keeps creeping its way into the pile that you're working on. And that's kind of like this work. And the most important child I will ever raise is the one that still lives inside of me. And for moms and dads out there, know that even if you have kids. I have two, she's got one. The most important child I raise is the one that's inside of me because she runs the show.

And she drives the belief system. So that being said, using the Enneagram in your home, because you're married to a two, you birthed a nine, you work with a one. Like that has proven challenging and also eye opening the path of compassion for others, which sometimes as achievers, like both you and I are high achievers. We're in that assertive stance group in the Enneagram, the three sevens and eights. We just go after shit. But when we're surrounded by people that don't operate like us, you know, I have a 2, 7, 4 in my life, like, okay, this is totally a shit show based on how I operate and finding that compassion and tolerance and love for other people. How has it helped you in your home?

First, well, first of all, it's just, it's toned down. Some Judge Judy I can get. I mean, come on. Because before, especially with Lila. Lila is my greatest teacher.

Our daughters are, aren't they?

Oh yeah. She is my greatest teacher.

And so she is so different than we're so different from one another. And there was a real point in time, I'd say over the past two years in particular, as she, you know, she's now 16. So to see her really stepping into the woman that she's becoming.

And how different we are, my instinct things was, especially when we weren't on the same page or when I felt like she needed some confidence or we needed to work on this, that or the other is to just go after it. And I have a nine that's like. That is basically the worst thing that I can do for her. And so my method, my way of being, it was proof positive it was not working and that I needed to learn. This is why I always say she's my greatest teacher. Because I needed to learn how to parent her in a way that was beneficial for her. It had nothing to do with me. I would have said my whole motherhood time of motherhood, it's always been about her. And I firmly and do truly believe that. But when it came to the kids.

To the best of what you knew.

At the time, what I knew, man, the nine piece. Oh, I mean, it just, it blew it wide open. And it caused.

Tactics to communicate with her so that she felt heard and felt supported and loved, which, let's be honest, that is the exact opposite of what I felt growing up. And so to Think that I was somehow repeating that out of the best of intentions. That is where Enneagram has really.

It's been really amazing. The Judge Judy piece, like I said, tone that down and to recognize that if I can identify the motive, really understand what that's about, then I can go right back into my heart center and lead from there. Instead of feeling like I have to understand or this isn't going the way I want it to. So therefore it must be because something has gone wrong or I've done something wrong or I haven't led something right or whatever that is. So I say all of that because in my marriage too, I mean Jim's a strong. He's a two, but he and Lila both have some one wingage that is.

Like, oh, I know. I got that in my house too. It's like, right, right.

And so that's been helpful, been really helpful. We've been all able to honor each other, to come from a place of honor and reverence for who we all are as individuals. That's how we're able to communicate as a family. That's a big deal.

And I love that like when. When we use this tool because we like especially with people that we love the most, like, we all of a sudden realize we don't need to be right. We just really want to be effective and bring out the very best and empower each other. Like when we can use this framework to navigate that.

It really.

It's not complicated. It is complex because we're human beings and we're very complex with all different sorts of history and. And all of that. But it is beautiful framework to bring out the best in those we care about, those we lead parent and especially ourselves. My God, the grace and compassion I'm able to give myself through this tool, understanding really every decision and every way that I communicate and everything that I do is rooted in this motive of an eight. I can have compassion. Where in the past you and I both would beat the shit out of ourselves with a whipping stick.

Absolutely.

So something that you said, and I know this too, like when we know better, we have to do better. And you can't go back to before.

And nor would we want to. However that is safe. That is what we know. How do you. What would you say to the person? Because I'm. I'm in this. We're both in this. Like, we can't go back to before. We can't go back to 2015 in that beach house.

Which felt really freaking good.

But we can't. So There's a lot of you listening right now that 20, 20 more than anything has broken us all to a halt to put in perspective a what's really important and what our souls calling for.

So what would you say to the person when you say to them you can't go back to before then what.

Then what?

I think the first and foremost piece to that is listen.

A dear friend of mine always speaks about self trust. And I think that we have to get really quiet and listen and tune in to what's going on inside. You know, it's an inside job. It is every time. There's no shortcut to that.

There's no cheating, it's an inside job.

And no bypass around it.

I have really tried hard to. Yes, for sure.

And so I think that that is, it's key. It's really key to get really centered and really quiet and be very, very honest with yourself. Because the answers are all within us. They're all within. Everything we need is already inside of us. Our job is to uncover it and let it out and give it permission and honor the truth. And all that self development is therapy. All of the modalities that we use to grow are to simply uncover what's already there. It's not to add something that we, we couldn't access. It's there. It's just, it's really, truly just harvesting that ground and allowing for that growth to take place. And so I look at this year, I will always say that this is one of the greatest years of my life. It has also been unbelievably challenging in many ways because we had to pivot, we had to be flexible. But it brought me back to my family in a way that, man alive, I wouldn't trade it for anything. The amount of growth that happens when we're still and quiet and when there are no distractions and there's no busy and there's no anything that's going to step in the place of that. I feel like it's a huge gift. We all said we wanted 2020 vision. Everybody said that was the, you know, that was the buzz coming into this year. And look what we got. Because I can, I know for you, I know for myself, and I'm sure for so many people listening, it got real clear where we need to work on ourselves, where we need to grow, perhaps the changes, all the things, but it got clear and I look at that as probably the best gift that any of us could have had. And we were all in the same boat. I think that's why it felt a lot for a lot of people, like the recession in la, because so many were in this. We're in the same boat. It's a level playing field.

It didn't discriminate any of us.

It didn't. It didn't. And I think again, it's about choice. What are you going to do with it?

Bingo. Like, when I look back at 2008, I felt very victimized by all of it. Even though some of the decisions I made weren't great, I have always been the girl that does the right thing and gets it done right. And to look at how I handled 2008, even though I came out of the other side of it, it still. I was angry and bitter, clearly, because 2012, right? But to take something like this, the. The ultimate blindside that has been 2020 for everyone and reframing it, like, how is this going to benefit me? What kind of container can I create for myself that allows me to have more clarity, more compassion, more love.

More honoring of myself and those that I'm in contact with? Because everything is a choice. You know, we can't choose sometimes what happens to us. Some of it, yeah, we make crappy decisions, but usually those crappy decisions lead to a breakthrough that we needed to have that couldn't have come without that. Like, so shame and, and loathing and all of that doesn't ever. That just perpetuates the cycle of shit.

That's right.

It's only when we pull out the compassion, love and understanding, first for ourselves and then for other people, that really we can have the clarity that for both of us and. And many other people that are choosing to use this gift of 2020, although very uncomfortable and I don't like it a lot of the time, and like, it is probably the gift of a lifetime for all of us if we choose right?

That way, if we choose. If we choose.

Oh, my friend, I love you so much. I know that. I mean, I get to talk to you every day, but. And I learned so much and grew leaps and bounds through this conversation again. I mean, it's conversations we've had, but, you know, different lenses at different times with different ears. Something lands a little bit different each time I hear you. So I know that that tree that you drew back in 2012 and the branches that will come off of that tree, not just in your own life, but every. Every person you touch and every one of you listening right now. If you love this, please, please screenshot this and share this and let us know that you loved it. Tag me in it and you can find my dear friend Jen. She's amazing at the Jen with two n's. Newman. The Jen Newman.

Yeah, she's amazing. You just bring so much joy and harmony through your voice. Not just your singing voice but. But just your. Your heart led voice in my life every day. I could not be here doing what I do without you in it. I could not.

Well, you know that I feel the same way. There's no way Jen Newman of today is not here without you.

So love you so much. Thank you.

I love you too.

You guys, I know this one landed hard on your heart. We would love to hear what you think about it it. So in the meantime, here's to becoming bulletproof. I love you my friend.

I love you too.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it. And tag me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram at traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@tracyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front frontline of your life and do the work. Let's become bulletproof.