104: Why You are Mistyped on the Enneagram & How to Use Your Wings

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author.

Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur.

And master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building.

A bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in.

The ass, you will discover that here.

Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof.

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Hello and welcome to this week's episode. And with all this Enneagram talk, one of the things, you know, I've talked about how often people are mistyped 65 to 70% of the time, the type that you get on those online assessments are inaccurate. You hear me talk about this all the time. And the reasons behind that. Because we answer based on behaviors, not motives, because we've experienced lots of trauma, so we have compensatory strategies that come up.

If you were like me, I would have totally manipulated the answers to get the type that I thought was the strongest. There's so many reasons why. The other thing that happens a lot of the time has to do with wings, the wings of the Enneagram. And if you're new to the Enneagram, these are extra sparkle that we can add to our personality. They're extra strengths and tools that we can have in our toolbox that are easily accessible. And our wings are the numbers that are on either side of our main type. And the wings are a big part of the reason why people have asked, does my type change? Our type, our core type does not change. However, how it gets expressed can. And a big part of that can do with the wings.

Because not one person is a pure personality type. Each one of us is a unique mixture of our main type and usually one of the two types adjacent to it. So let's say you're a one. You have the possibility of having a nine wing or a two wing. Now, there's a lot of school, schools of thought on this. Sometimes people, you will definitely use a dominant wing. Sometimes, especially the more healthy and evolved you get, you're able to toggle between the two, which is kind of where I'm at today. Some people are very, very rigid and don't waver at all. Those are the. Usually the people that use the Enneagram, if they're even aware of it. But like they're this wall. I close minded.

Not willing to really think outside their own box. And that's the beauty of the Enneagram is you can kind of use this as a compass to navigate and to access all the beautiful gifts of our type. I have talked about this a lot. I think about me personally and my type as you have been following along or if you haven't, I am the eight, which is the challenger on the Enneagram and the and where the eight sits on the Enneagram on either side. I have the nine or the seven. And early on in my life, in my home, had I taken this test as a kid, I probably would have been looked at or guessed to be a nine. So as a child in my home, the way that my personality got expressed was very much the peacemaker. My environment was very toxic, volatile, scary. I could read a situation and know what needed to happen in order to keep the peace. And so I utilized my nine wing. So a lot of you may be asking them, why aren't you a nine? Because I am not rooted in the nine in everything that I do. And so here's the thing, like so many of us compartmentalize our lives. And so that's why the Enneagram can be confusing or the assessments come out inaccurate. Even though in my home, compartmentalized, keeping the peace in my environment was very, very important. In the rest of the world, however, I was out for justice and truth in all areas. I was the one that would push the envelope to get truth. I would protect the innocent. I was always the one that stood up for the underdog. I was always the one that would stand up to a bully. So you put me on a playground as a kid and I would cut a bitch. No, no joke. Like I would absolutely do that as a child. I never ever or even as a young adult. And quite honestly, up until I was 40 years old, I never used my seven wing because that eight in me, that need to protect at all costs, that need to protect my vulnerability and protect myself from being violated. I had the belief that if I allowed myself to have fun like an enthusiast or to not be as focused or planned out like a seven isn't, then I could be violated, right? And I knew that God gifted me a seven daughter for sure to embody what a beautiful version of that looks like to put my guard down. And so today, honestly, I hardcore fall into my seven wing a lot. It's where my visionary spirit comes from. It's where my ability to have fun and be playful, it's when I play sports and allow myself to be silly happens. And. And honestly, I bring that innocence that I've been protecting my whole life out to play. And I can do that now knowing that I don't have to guard it. So like white knuckling it.

I will say this, though. My 7 Wing did come out to play in the first 40 years of my life. Usually when I was drinking, that is the only time a guard ever came down. But then it turned into a shit show very fast. So back to the wings. Our basic type dominates our overall personality, but the wing can complement it. I like to say it like adds a little sparkle to our personality. It adds important, sometimes contradictory elements. So if you think about the eight, that seven, that free spirit and like more easygoing and go with the flow, is very opposite of the 8. And so sometimes that's how when we become more healthy, we can bring on all the beautiful characteristics and how we are able to really tap into emotional intelligence and not only speak well with others, but within ourselves.

The wing is like the second side of your personality and it really must be taken into consideration to better understand yourself or someone else. I see this a lot in the mistyping, especially like if you were like me growing up and you grew up with a lot of trauma, you might be leaning into your wing all the time just to get through rather than. That's what motivates you. It's a survival thing. And you've heard me talk about like the centers of intelligence, all of us are operating and one usually dominates from this place of needing either truth and justice, significance or certainty. And for you it's definitely one is the main. We use all of them, but one is the main thing thing. So when we take into consideration the wings and how we can understand ourselves, it really does allow us to have some more compassion for ourselves and use some of the things that aren't so like blinders on, right?

There's a disagreement among some traditions of the enneagram about whether whether people have one or two wings. I believe that we all have two, but the more evolved you become, you are able to toggle between the two. So today in my healthy version, I use my nine wing a lot. Like that Yoda wisdom, that.

Inclusive, safe place, non judgmental place a lot. When I'm coaching and I can see the bigger picture of all things, I am able to tap into that seven wing, especially when I'm creative and coming up with new ideas and the ability to pivot really, really quickly.

So in the restricted sense that both types adjacent to your basic type are operative in your personality, since each of you possess the potentials of all nine types. But this is not what is usually meant by having two wings.

But for you, you probably have one that's more dominant than others.

What I love about this is, you know, like my son, I've mentioned him before. He's. He's fought me for a long time. At times he's a strong two, the helper. But he has probably the strongest one wing I've ever seen. So he keeps fighting me like, mom, I think I might be a one. I'm like, nope, nope. Your motivation is everything that's rooted in the two. So that's the beautiful thing about him today. And as a child, he played in his three wing a lot. That achiever, he excelled in sports in school.

He wins at winning like that. That's a beautiful part of him too, today. But more than anything, he leans into his one wing. So another observation about wings that is kind of worth mentioning is in the course of teaching the Enneagram in workshops, trainings, many people in the second half of their lives have reported, you know, that development of the second wing. So as we gain more wisdom, as we grow in our health, those that are really pursuing this deeper inner, spiritual, personal development work, you know, seeing evidence that's true. The more facets we can add to our core personality, the more that we will be able to communicate with everyone, the more that we will have more compassion for those that maybe aren't like us. Right. So I thought that.

I would share with you what each type and their wings can look like. I also really want you to know that, you know, for those of you that look at your type and it frustrates you. I know when I looked at the challenger, I was like, oh, my gosh, what an asshole. Quite honestly, when I was learning about this initially. But when I realized that I have two gifts on either side of me that I can use to maybe soften some of the harder parts of my personality or the more challenging parts of my personality or the thorn in our side. So you have heard me talk about this before. Our greatest gift in our personality is also our biggest thorn. So for me, being an eight, my greatest gift and the thing I bring to the table is this level of intensity. And now when I am healthy and more evolved and doing all the things I need to to Be the healthiest version of myself. That intensity, when it comes from love, compassion, understanding, is beautiful. It makes people feel safe and protected and seen, heard and understood. Now, that very gift was also my biggest thorn. That intensity caused a lot of damage in my life to people I cared about, to myself, to my businesses, to my friendships, my marriage. My marriage, definitely. Because when your greatest gift is coming from a place of fear.

Insecurity, judgment, unworthiness, the way that that gets manifested out in your personality and way it gets expressed really becomes a thorn. So I want you to know that the very thing you're beating yourself up for is actually your greatest gift. Now, the gift of these wings is, is it helps to kind of like bring the gift out a little bit more. So I thought I would take you through kind of very quickly what that looks like. So if you are a one, an enneagram type one, which is the improver or the reformer, that means you can tap into the 2, a 2 wing or a 9 wing. If you are a 1 wing 2, you are known as the advocate, right? Which means you're maybe a little bit more warm, helpful, fiery, vocal, sensitive, action oriented, can be a little bit controlling, right? If you're a one with a nine wing, you can be considered the idealist. You have. You're not as rigid as the one wing two, but you are a little cooler, a little more relaxed, definitely more introverted than maybe a one with a two wing. You're impersonal, objective and detached. Now, if you're a two, the helper, you fall into the heart triad. A two with a one wing, which is my son, you can be called the servant. You are idealistic, reasonable, objective, self critical and judgmental. That is why my son was like, I think I'm a one. I'm like, no, no, no, no. You definitely have that heart of the two. But your, your strong wing has you doing these things. Now the other side, I believe as a child and young adult, my son fell more into the two with a three wing. Now he can toggle between the two. But if you are a two with a three wing, and one of my best friends is this, you're like the host or the hostess. These people are amazing. They're self assured, charming, flattering, ambitious, outgoing, and they have that competitive edge. A two with a three wing is this lover, but with like, they can get shit done. I know a lot of these in the entrepreneurial space for sure. Now, my threes, the achievers out there, you also fall in the heart triad. So a three with A two wing.

Is the star. So you have that competitive edge. You're rooted in your motive in the three, but you're able to tap into that compassion and empathy of the two. So you are a more warm, encouraging, sociable. You're the center of attention because you get things done, but you do it with love and a lot of times service right. You can be a little seductive because you do get things done and you aren't a pushover. You attack things head on, but you do it with love. Now the three with a four wing, one of my best friends is this. You are also known as the professional. So where this really shines if you're a three wing four is you have that achiever motive. You, you set a goal, you crush it, you win at winning, like I've said. But that 4 energy, that 4 wing allows you to be more creative. That's that intuitive, that's that.

Definite uniqueness and authenticity that comes to the table. The problem is a lot of three Wing fours can be workaholics, very driven, encouraging, introspective, imaginative. And because fours love that uniqueness, when they're not so healthy, a three wing four can be a little pretentious. But my three, three wing, four in my life, oh my gosh, she's an opera singer. She has a style, fashion style that is unmatched, but she is all three. So between that driven, hard working, like, get her done kind of thing with that beautiful uniqueness, it's, it's awesome to see. All right, the last one in the heart triad is the fours. The fours, which are the individualist, the most intuitive on the Enneagram, the most emotional on the Enneagram. So the four with a three wing is called the Aristocrat. This is not your typical looking four, which is like over the top dramatic sometimes, which is a stereotype they can often get labeled. With the 4 wing 3, they're still rooted in the 4 which that need of significance, that internal authenticity, their constant search for the unique self of them. But they've got that wing, that's three. So they can like be super competitive, they can get things done. They're really great in business. When they're healthier, they are more extroverted, they are more upbeat, ambitious, they are concerned with image. But that four, man, they can have this long suffering kind of internal thing going on. Now the four wing five, they are the ultra introverted. Like fives are introverted, but a 4 with a 5 wing is super introverted. They're also known as the bohemian they're super intellectual, so they have that heart. But that five wing is all about taking in information. They're super intellectual, reserved, very, very observant, very, very artistic and whimsical. I think a lot of artists, musicians really fall into this 4 wing 5 category. Now my Fives are the first in the head triad. So they make decisions and process things with their, their thinking cap, the five wing four.

They are obviously very, very introverted, creative, humanistic, super sensitive, empathetic, but withdrawn and can become self absorbed. I have some five wing fours in my life where, you know, especially if they're in a rough patch, not only do they become introverted, then they become, you know, they, they have that internal whipping stick on themselves too. Now the fives with a six wing, these, these guys are the ultimate problem solvers. Like ultimate, because they are always becoming an expert at something. Plus that six wing means they're also troubleshooting, right? They're a little bit more the extroverted 5. These are usually the, the entrepreneurial Fives I see a lot of times because they are more collaborative, like I said, extra, more extroverted, very loyal. They have a little anxiety, they're super skeptical, but they're interested in science, math, or both too. Like they like to understand how things work. Because of the troubleshooting aspect, it becomes really, really a cool thing to see a five kind of step into it because lord knows the fives become this expert on so many things that we could all use them to step it out. So when they've got a six wing, you tend to see them out on the front of their businesses or of a collaborative effort more often than a five wing four. Now my sixes, my loyalists out there, also fall in the head triad. They crave certainty. So a six with a five wing is, is also known as the defender. They are a more introverted, sometimes called a phobic six to. They're more introverted, very intellectual, super cautious, focused, and they can appear very standoffish. But because the 6 has this hardcore drive for certainty more than the other two, like the sevens and the Fives both need certainty. But for the six, it's like life or death for them with that five wing, that is that investigator, this allows them to really have worst case scenario kind of planned out. Now the 6 with a wing 7 can be appear more of what they call the counterphobic. They're more extroverted, more materialistic, more sociable, playful, energetic. But they can be a little impulsive. That seven wing, that anything's possible Is like I said, can be.

Like almost contradictory to the typical six. So that. But that's also where that visionary spirit can come in. That's you know, the troubleshooting nature of the six with the ability to pivot like at rapid pace like that 7 is, or to have other ideas out there, not just like strategic plans, but ideas allows that six to really shine into that a lot. It's a beautiful thing. All right, the last one in the head triad is the sevens, which is the enthusiasts. And the sevens need certainty that they are not going to be trapped in anything for too long if it doesn't excite them anymore. So the seven with a six wing is sometimes called the entertainer. They're very loyal, endearing, the more responsible appearing seven because they have that visionary free spirit of anything is possible. But the they can when they can really tap into that troubleshooting more planned out part of them. This is when a 7 can really shine if they, if they don't have like a team around them that can tap into the strengths of a more organized person. A seven with a six wing can really.

Be a little more responsible than the typical stereotypical seven. Right. The seven with a wing six is still outgoing, but they're more relationship oriented. So like a seven by nature.

They don't like to be trapped into situations. So when relationships run their course, they can sometimes bounce from people, places and things to other things. The seven with a wing six is more relationship oriented. My daughter who's a seven when it comes to her friends and relationships, she's definitely a six wing. Like she will be that loyal. I'll take one for the team person. For her friends and her relationships, they're fun and playful. They can get a little anxious from time to time. Now the 7 with the 8 wing is the realist, which again these can seem contra contradictory. Right. Because that free spirit and that 8 is so just like fixated on something sometimes. But a 7 with an 8 wing is a realist. My daughter in business definitely puts on her eight wing. Passionate, loving, adventurous, strong, decisive, quick minded and creative. So you can see when you have somebody that's more really done some work on themselves and become more evolved and healthy, they can toggle between the two. I watch this in my daughter all the time. It's amazing to see.

All right, my eights out there, my fellow challengers, we are in the gut triad so we're always seeking truth and justice. The 8 Wing 7, which is where I probably am more classified as I'm pretty even between my Wings. But this one, I think, especially in my work life and even as a parent now I really have embodied my seven wing after 40 years of very rarely using it unless I was shooting back Irish car bomb shots.

The 8 Wing 7, they're known as the maverick, and I love that they're the more extroverted 8. Very enterprising, energetic, materialistic, and interested in power. That would be me. What's great about that eight. You know, we make big power moves. Eights really, like when you need big shit to happen, you call in an eight and an eight with a seven wing.

Like there's. They're not as cautious and that's, you know, big for big rewards, sometimes you got to take big risk. That's where that eight wing seven comes in for sure. Now the eight with the nine wing is called the bear. A little more mild mannered, more gentle, receptive people oriented and quietly strong. And although I can be pretty bold, I would say that a lot of times, especially as I've gotten older and wiser and no, I don't need to say as much. I can really play with that nine wing. It's where that, um, that eightness can kind of calm down a little bit is in that nine wing, because that, that Yoda wisdom really comes in. And it's not always on guard to protect ourselves and our vulnerability. That 9 Wing, I think, really allows the eights to tap into the softer side of. Of them and not necessarily being on guard all the time. Like I said as a kid, though, my nine wing wasn't used in the most healthy way. It was like self sacrifice in my home. Anyway, all right, the last one, my nines, the peacemaker, they're always searching for peace in the environment and within.

The nine with a one wing, they're known as the dreamer. They're orderly, idealistic. They can be a little critical, emotionally controlled, and very compliant. Right. So not only do they have this desire to have peace, but then there's this like, good or bad, right or wrong, they have this measuring stick. But in business, that can be very, very good to their, like, high moral integrity, high standards, which is beautiful because sometimes a 9.

Can kind of shut down on themselves and their own voice and their own needs. So when you got a nine with a one wing, they're. They're able to use their voice a little bit more, which is a good thing because the nines, I mean, a healthy nine, there's nobody like them. Now I see in business a lot of times too, the nines with an eight Wing, they're the comfort seeker. They're more outgoing, definitely more assertive. They will push back against authority a little bit more than the nine typically. And the nine with a one wing, the nine with an eight wing is definitely more outspoken, but can also be dismissive. So, like, this is why a lot of times you can have two types sitting next to each other and be completely, completely different. I mean, there's obviously different levels of development that'll come in, but a lot of time, it's the wings that really can alter how your type is expressed now. So for those of you that have done these online assessments, and I see it all the time, because you tag me in your stuff and you'll say things like, well, I'm a six with a two wing, and that's not possible. A lot of times you're just assuming that that's your wing because it was the second on your assessment. That's not how our assessments work. And you've heard me say 65 to 70% of the time, those assessments are inaccurate. All right, so I'm going to give you a little trick. If you are going to choose to go down the Enneagram on your own. What I usually like to tell people to do is go to the Enneagram Institute and take the paid test. And even that one, I've done seven typing sessions this week. Six out of the seven were not their top score. So. And they all took the test that I'm telling you to take. So I just want you to know that. So you're like, okay, great, trace. Then what do I do? A lot of times what I will tell you to do is take the top four scores that you get. And I don't care if the top one is, like 10 points higher than the other one. Still is not for sure. I had two of those this week where I was like, oh, this should be interesting. But because I read these tests all day long, I see patterns a lot of the time. And in the questions that I asked to get to the motive, it makes a lot of sense why the top score was the top score. A lot of times your top score is your wing. A lot of times your top score is where you go under stress. So there's a lot of ins and outs to this. But if you're going to attack this on your own, take your four top scores, and then really, really, really try to be radically honest with yourself. And if you were like me 10 years ago, this was very hard to do on your own, and I understand that. And I don't want you to beat yourself up for that. That's usually when you get a guide like me to help you narrow it down, especially if you want to use the Enneagram as the beautiful tool that it is. Now, if you choose to do this alone, you take those top four scores and really sit with it and. And really be honest with yourself. And you may say, well, sometimes I'm motivated like this, and sometimes I'm motivated like this. Well, there's one that rules all of it. There really, really is. If we did, like, the six degrees of separation and really went back further, which is hard for a lot of you, until I was 40, I couldn't tell you a lot about my childhood. I really, really couldn't. So I understand that this might be a hard process for you, but usually one of those top four scores is your core type of. And really look at the motive of each one and put them in, like, your health situation, your parenting, if you're a mom or a dad, your friendships, your intimate relationships with a romantic partner, your business life. Usually.

There'S one. If you're put in, like you put yourself in certain situations, what would your motive be? And you can do that with each of the types, and that might help you narrow it down.

Obviously, the best way is to have a guide that can be objective and ask the questions that maybe you're not there to ask yourself or don't think to ask yourself to get to your real type. That's where I come in. I am the master of integrating the Enneagram into your life and leadership, whether it's leading in your business or leading in your home or leading yourself. Because quite honestly, to be the most effective leader, you must first be able to lead yourself. And the Enneagram is a beautiful, beautiful way to do that. I would love to know what you learned about the wings today. If you had an aha moment and you're one of those that is like, oh, I thought I was like a two wing seven. I would love to hear about what you learned from this, because you come into this innocently. I've said lots and lots of times the Enneagram is not complicated, but it is so complex, so complex. And having a guide take you through the journey is where it's at. And I would be honored to do that with you. You can hit me up on Instagram @tracyomalley or at my website, traceyomalley.com the work with me section. And I would be honored and feel so privileged to take this journey with you. So that you can use this beautiful, beautiful, compassionate, effective tool to help you operate at your highest level in all areas of your life and for it not to be so damn complicated for you and such a grind all the time. This really is the tool that I believe has helped keep me sober, has helped me maintain amazing relationships with my 20 somethings, has allowed my friendships to evolve and thrive in ways that I could never have dreamed possible. I have a level of intimacy in my life that I I didn't even know existed. Because of the Enneagram, I'm able to fall in love and have thriving businesses and lead anyone Today. This emotional intelligence is the number one predictor for success in all things and the Enneagram can help you do that. And I would be honored to take you on that journey. And until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and a little loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work.

Let's become Bulletproof. Sam.