109: How to leave your TRUE legacy using the tool of the Enneagram

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go.

Hello and welcome to this very special episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. It's the Last 1 of 2020.

And it's funny, I've been walking around my house, just finished working out and I've been walking around my house the last half hour, so choked up and not sure why. This is going to be a beautiful episode, I believe, and one that's led so much from my heart and the divine.

You know, with this year being so hard in so many ways, even in the beautiful winds and gifts that have come in this year for you.

And many people.

I've become very nostalgic and reflective, which is not something that was natural for me. And I think why I'm so emotional is I'm thinking back on my life.

And how.

Much I've changed and not.

Really changed for.

Like when I say, you've heard me say before, like when I say there's nothing wrong with us and we don't need to be fixed.

I really believe that to be true.

When I say I've changed.

The gift that the Enneagram has really allowed me to do.

Is be exactly who I.

Was always meant to be.

Oh, here we go. Isn't this great?

I think this is a really important.

Episode as we go into a new year. And I think at the beginning of 2020, it was like the new decade and a new. Like, there was so much pressure put on 2020 to just bring so much to our lives. It was, you know, we were leaving 2019 behind, which was horrendous for me. And also a gift like you can have joy and pain all in the same breath. And when I think back, not just on this year for myself, but especially the last 20, where I have really been relentless about getting back to who.

I was always meant to be before kind of life got a hold of me and kicked the shit out of me a lot. And before situations happened that were out of my control or I hurt people or people hurt me or any of the things, you know. I lived most of my life with so much resentment and bitterness and anger.

And a lot of times, I didn't let it show. But when I did, all hell broke loose and just the wreckage that would be left was something powerful. And my wish for this episode for.

You is that you take the time.

If you're driving.

If you're doing something else while you're listening to this, or.

If you're laying in bed, just taking a moment to hear what I have.

To say to you and why I'm.

So passionate about the Enneagram.

I know it's this personality assessment, and many, many of you probably started listening to me or this podcast or started geeking out over the Enneagram because it's.

Cool and it is, it is. And it's just so much more than that. It really provided me the framework to overhaul everything I'd ever known to be untrue about myself. And it allowed me to completely, radically alter how I'm able to communicate what's in my heart and love and passion and hurt and fears and all of these things.

I had no idea I was going to be this emotional. But I think it's so important.

That if you are interested in understanding the Enneagram, and you really want to use it as a gift and a tool to not just help yourself and not just help your business and leadership, which is what I'm passionate about.

But I think why I'm so emotional is because I have. I've used it to change the legacy.

That I will leave behind.

And I don't mean in my bank account. We really don't.

I mean in the hearts of the people that mean the most to me. And this month, December, has been all about bringing.

Interviews to you of people that pour into me every day and love me when I'm not so lovable and have given me the space.

To speak freely in the midst of pain. And I have never done that in my life. I have never done that in all 48 and a half, almost 49 years of my life. I have never felt safe to speak freely of what is in my heart, especially in real time, in the episodes with my closest people, my three closest friends and my two beautiful children. And there's somebody else in my life, too, that probably won't be interviewing, but is very, very Important to me, too. And to be able to use what I've learned with the Enneagram over the last eight and a half years, to be able to navigate all those relationships.

To allow myself to be seen completely. I never would have done that. I mean, I was raised in an environment where they did their best. I mean, they did. My parents are amazing people, you know, and even though my dad hasn't been here for, God, eight and a half years, like, even though the delivery of his heart didn't land the way I wish it would have, I know what was there. And the Enneagram has really allowed me to heal that around my dad.

It has also allowed me to heal the parts around my mom.

You know, my mom.

Her whole life.

She.

Never felt like she mattered. And she was such a young mom. She got married, literally, like, after graduation of high school. And I know why she did. She got married so she could leave the house.

That was hard for her. And she ended up marrying my dad.

Who was as much like the father.

She was raised with. And she just went from one to the other, and then, you know, having babies at 20 years old, and, my goodness, she.

She wasn't equipped with the tools to be an emotionally present, strong mom for me.

Her heart's beautiful.

It's just lovely. But my whole life, I never had that role model of a strong woman in the way that I needed. She's a strong woman in her own right, but not for what I really needed. And the Enneagram has really allowed me.

To.

See my mom for who she.

Is and love her just the same. Even though I don't have a relationship really with her. I love her dearly, and I'm grateful for what she has given to me. And I also am able to be love and compassion for my mom.

And the Enneagram has given me the framework to really navigate that.

And being a mom myself.

I woke up this morning and came home, and I was greeted by my son, who has shown me what a sensitive, strong man looks like. I'm raising one. I wasn't raised by a sensitive man. Even though he was sensitive, he never showed it. And to kind of be mom and dad for a lot of these years.

And my kid's father is an amazing person.

He's a great, great, great person.

And he's done the best he can with. With what he was shown. And, you know, he's on his own journey for sure. But for the last, you know, 13.

Years, I have really played the role of both parents.

And I don't mean that to disrespect.

Their dad at all, I really don't.

But to play the role of that rock and strength as well as the sensitive card, too, like, I have to be both and to be both, like the Enneagram is, let me do that for my kids. And this morning I was met with.

My son, who's navigating things in his life.

And understanding his own Enneagram type has allowed him to recognize that when he's.

About to lose his shit, rarely is it about what's right in front of you.

And this morning I came home and he just hugged me really tight and said, thank you so much for being a safe place for me, to just be me and to not take it personal and to help me move through those feelings without destruction.

And to hear that. Because most of my life, I've spent cleaning up the messes of my own destruction and my own way of communicating.

That.

Whatever was in my heart never.

Landed on the people I cared about most, you know? And bringing these five people, my best friends and my kids, to you guys is a true testament to being able to communicate what's in my heart and have it land on all the very same people that I care most about.

And none of them are like me. I brought you a three. I brought you a two. I brought you a six. My kids are two and a seven. And, you know, I'm spending a lot of time with a four. And it's all this stuff, and I'm very different than all of them. And to be able to communicate to them how I feel about all of them and the gratitude that's in my heart for all of them and they receive it and they can feel it without the fucking destruction, without the mind games that I used to play in unintentionally because I was coming from fear and insecurity and doubt and unworthiness. The Enneagram has been a gift for me to see those parts when I'm really scared.

And I've been scared a lot in.

2020, let me tell you, in all areas of my life, I've been scared as a mom. Like, am I doing this right?

You know, you never know.

I've been scared as a business owner of three freaking businesses and the sole provider of my household. Like, there's so much fear there.

In my friendships. Like, letting women get close to me has not been easy for me. And the three women I brought you this month.

Are rock solid for me. And to be able to do that and then to open my heart to.

Love, again, is the scariest thing of all for me.

So scary. And using the Enneagram, not just navigating all those relationships, but to heal the things, the very things that kept me from showing up as love.

Is a.

Gift to me, to every person to.

Come in contact with, to the people I lead, to the people I love.

And so I wanted you to understand.

What.

This can do for you, you.

Know, in a world today where we.

Are faced with so much hate and.

Pain, you know, and that. That pain and that anger is just the bodyguard to fear and sadness.

It really, really is.

And, you know, to be able to.

Look into the eyes of people, even people that are really projecting so much.

Hate and pain, it's really hard to.

Have compassion for people when that's happening. And trust me, I'm an enneagram8. I'm the first person to say, I'm gonna fucking cut a bitch.

Like, seriously.

And I. Somebody comes after somebody I love and care about, I will. I don't care what happens.

I will. I will go toe to toe with anyone.

That's not changing. The Enneagram 8 in me will protect.

Fiercely the people I love.

But there's a part in me that protects with love in all areas of my life.

And my best friend, Tiffany.

We've been both going through so much. This whole year has been just a growing thing.

And we talk every day, and we.

Talk about the most deep things in.

Our hearts and the biggest fears and.

All the parts of us that never.

Felt seen, heard, and understood.

And she personally requested that I record this episode because when we are afraid and we feel like we're going to.

Be hurt, whether it's with love or.

Financially or our health or death or divorce or any of these things, when we feel like we're being attacked, it's.

Very hard to be love in that moment if you haven't found where you.

Go when that happens.

And recognizing this last year, specifically, as I've entered new relationships that are very scary for me, and seeing the patterns in myself that come up when I'm.

The most afraid and the most vulnerable.

To be able to have some framework.

To keep me from blowing this shit up is powerful. Even when I felt, like, hurt or rejected or people have said shit about me.

So how do you be love when.

You feel like you're being wronged or hurt?

And the gift of the Enneagram. When I started studying this eight and.

A half years ago, it really allowed.

Me to understand why people do what they do and not be so focused on what they're doing now.

Here's the thing, and this is the.

Important part of that.

You can hear in my voice how.

Loving and compassionate I am. I really, really am. Of all people, Even the idiots out there. I really, really am.

I really work hard to find the.

Beauty, even in the hardest people to love.

Because quite honestly, I was that person. I was that person. You know, this. This month, I crossed a milestone of 3000 days of sobriety and my work on my recovery.

Every day, it's.

It's a daily thing.

And for those of you that are.

New to this show, I was introduced to the Enneagram by my therapist in rehab, and I fully believe it has.

Allowed me to remain sober.

It is way more than a fun, cutesy personality test or game or.

Party.

Trick or anything in a complex world that we live in where so much is being thrown at us. We were watching the movie or that series, the Social Dilemma last night, and it just. We're just inundated with so much, and some of it's, like, manipulated to come into our. Our heads and our hearts to. To rock our boat and rock our certainty. And when so much of that's coming at us, to be able to remain and be. Love is a superpower. And the Enneagram has helped me do that. I have compassion for every human out there. I know that there is evil out there. There really is. And. And I want you to know this is something really important, that just because we're compassionate doesn't mean we make excuses or tolerate bullshit. I did a talk for a mastermind group this week, and I always get this. Whenever there's an Eight in the crowd, it's so great, you know, and they. They aren't afraid to call me to the carpet because I am an 8. And eights love to go toe to toe with people. They like to test people's strength, right? And I had this eight in the mastermind that I was speaking to basically say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know.

You don't. As an Eight, we don't want people to know we're sensitive and compassionate and, you know, the core of the Enneagram 8. And the biggest fear of the Enneagram 8 is being violated or their vulnerabilities being found out. And that's why we are so protective. That's why we are so guarded. And that's why, honestly, up until this last year and a half, I have not let anybody completely into my heart. Friendship, romance, and quite honestly, even my own children to some extent. And the very Thing that is the thing I'm most afraid of, the thing that allows me to not be so afraid, is to lean in the very thing that scares me and having the tools to navigate what that looks like and allow me to be compassionate and sensitive at the same time as having healthy boundaries and speaking up for that.

Little girl in me that was told.

She was better seen than heard, that was told, your role in this place is to be xyz. That I was never going to be good enough because I wasn't born a little boy. And the little girl that believed the only role that she had in this world was to break up fights and.

To be whatever anybody needed her to be.

And although I can see why that.

Was the way it was to be.

Able to remain love, when people judge, people throw shade. All of it at the same time as laying down a boundary and saying, you know what? That really hurt. And I can speak my hurts in kindness, and I can speak my hurts with boundaries, and I can speak my pain without projecting my shit onto anybody else. And it doesn't mean I make excuses when people step out of line with me.

The thing is, is I can see that they step out of line with me. Not to intentionally hurt me.

Or anybody else for that matter, but because they are dealing with their own pain, too. And I think when we are able to be love and show compassion as well as lovingly and with kindness, call people to the carpet, we're all going to be better for it. Now, that being said, does everybody receive my love and kindness and compassion as that? No, not everybody's ready to look in the mirror and face their shit. Lord knows, if somebody had come at me like this 10 years ago, again.

Tracy can cut a bitch if she has to.

And the fact is, I might not have been ready, you know, a decade ago, but the fact is I'm ready today. And I'm ready to know the way, go the way and show the way for whoever is willing to raise their hand and say, you know what? I want something different for my life, and I just don't have the tools to do it. But your bravery and your courage and your willingness to show up vulnerable and strong.

Has had me wake up today to want to be better, whether it's better for the people I lead, the people I love, the people I'm raising.

Thank you. And, you know, if I was to be called home to God tomorrow and my time on earth was done when I walk out the door of my office.

If that was to happen today, I have never been More proud of myself.

Because I'm able to take what's in my heart even when I'm scared to take what's in my heart, even when I'm about to make bold moves with my heart. And that I'm taking a risk every time I do that, but I do it.

And even when I feel like I'm hurt or any of that, I can speak love, I can be love and show what healthy boundaries looks like and.

Healthy relationships looks like.

And to watch my two kids navigate those very things. You know, both my kids this week.

Had a hard week and both of.

Them said this could have gone really, really differently. And I was watching them and you know, a decade ago when their personality types so the 2 and the 7 were under stress, knowing what I know now, when they would go there, this enneagram 8 and unhealthy one at the time felt completely disrespected because everything was freaking personal. Everything felt personal. And to be able to recognize and see their roadmaps and to kind of like recognize, okay, that's them under stress and how can I help them and empower them to move through that, not dismiss it, not to just power through it, but to feel their way through it. Because there's always grieving that happens. And usually when we're triggered or feel pain, there's an old wound that gets, you know, ripped open or even just brushed and it freaking hurts.

And to be able to just hold that space for them and my friends and the people in my life is a gift that has come with the Enneagram. And you know, when my son met me this morning and said this really could have gone a different way for me and him recognizing that I'm under stress and speaking up and thankfully I can read it like a book. But that is the gift of self awareness. This is not just some fun test. Yes, you can use it to lead people.

Great.

You can use it to grow yourself. You can use it. Hell, I've used it to make multi millions of dollars. Quite honestly, I've used this beautiful tool for all of that. But there is something to be said with looking in the mirror and know that.

Unapologetically, fearlessly. No, I shouldn't say fearlessly. I'm afraid every day. I'm afraid to be vulnerable every day. There's not a day that I don't wake up that I do. My tendency is to want to just bail on all of it and just stay in my little whole of all of that. But knowing that I have the tools to not just experience, but express love all the time, even when I'm in pain.

Is the gift. It's the gift of all. And I think as we go into 2021, there's still so much uncertainty. We don't even know what's going to happen.

There's lots of fun memes out there, and all the things between Covid and the political environment and racial wars and social media and good God, who knows what 2021 will bring? But the gift of the Enneagram has given me the tools to navigate all of it.

Not just for myself, but to allow me to be better for whoever's in front of me. Whether it's my own beautiful kids, my closest friends, the people that I.

The people that I meet along the way in this journey. Being able to show up in that space, it offers hope. It does. It offers hope. Even when there's so much chaos around you. I want you to be that beacon of light.

I do.

In your own homes and in. In the world. Because Lord knows we need so much more of it. And, you know, if. If you're wanting to learn more about the Enneagram and really how to use this in your life, I would be honored to go on this journey with you. I would love to hear from you.

What would benefit you. I've been spending the last two years, specifically, I've been a student and teacher of it, an integrator of the Enneagram for eight and a half. But working one on one with people the last two years, specifically in the Enneagram has brought me so much joy.

And just so much gratitude that when I can see the aha's go off in the people that I serve and lead and guide through the journey and how everything changes about their life and the joy that's not. Not just changing their businesses and not just changing their homes, but changing their heart in a way that they show up every day and they're proud of themselves that that makes my life, like, so complete. I love it. And I would love to know from you, you beautiful listeners out there that have supported me with this podcast for over a year. This. This is the anniversary date of my very first episode. My very first episode got dropped a year ago on New Year's Eve. And to be able to come full circle a year later when we had no idea what was coming in, to share this emotional episode with you, I'm not even going to apologize for being choked up. Normally I would be, like, brushing that off, but it's just real. It's what you love about me. It's also what many people don't like about me because sometimes when we show up in that light, it makes people uncomfortable. And that's really how we change the world one person at a time. And I would love to hear from you what you would like to hear more of. I'm working on programs to be able to serve more of you. It's really hard to to do everything I want to do, going just one on one with people. In 2021, you will hear this podcast shift a little bit in a way that you've been asking for. I will be doing live typing sessions with people so you can hear the process and you'll hear why. You know, those assessments are a great starting point, but why they're so inaccurate so much of the time, three quarters of the time they're inaccurate. And the cost if you're using the Enneagram as a tool, the cost and cause and effect of being mistyped and what that can do. And my goal is to not only have you listen to what being typed properly looks like, but to help more of you come to that self discovery point on your own, whether it's through workshops and groups and more of that. I want to hear what will help you. You'll also be hearing interviews with people. I'm not going to be like just interviewing entrepreneurs and all of that anymore. I like it. You know, I'll continue to listen to Howard Stern for that stuff. I love him. Best interviewer of all time. And I hope I did my education of him proud the last year and interviewing so many folks and people that I admire and respect. But in 2021, I will be interviewing people that have been typed properly and the AHAs and how they've integrated that in their life so that you can use this not just as like cool information.

But integration and navigating all of that for you. I know that as this tool becomes more popular and more trendy along the way, the misinformation about it will be out there. And my goal is to bring you the raw and real truth, like I always have, and really help you transform your life. I'm obsessed with transformation. I have been since I was a little, little girl. I always knew as a nine year old, when it was my first kind of hit, that this is the kind of work that eventually I would be doing as a nine year old. I knew it and it would take another 30 plus before I would really land into the direction of this work.

But I want to keep bringing you the ability to Transform your life.

With as much love and grace and grit and fire as possible. Because life is all about that. It is all about that. And so, as we move into 2021, I want you to know I'm thinking about you.

I pray for so many of you that I know are hurting or lost or you're afraid. And the reason I know this is because I was you. And I still wake up afraid from time to time, but having the right tools in my toolbox allow me to navigate that. And as I look at this, I have this picture of myself as a 4 year old on my desk.

And I think about.

Everything she's been through.

Even as a four year old, she's.

Smiling back at me. But I know the pain she was in. I know the pain she was in.

And to be able to set her free has been the greatest joy of my life.

She's been the most important child I raise.

And.

My hope is that the work that I do through you, whether it's through the podcast and the interviews I share with you, or the programs that.

I build or the stages I speak.

On, or wherever I should cross the.

Path in your life that I allow.

You to set that little boy or little girl inside you free to so.

That you can really, really become bulletproof.

And find passion and purpose and profits along the way and really build a legacy that isn't just about the bank account, but about what your soul's desire is. And that the generation that comes after you really knows everything that was in your heart and you're able to have it land on them properly, the way that you intend. And if you have loved this episode or any of the episodes over the last year that I have been coming to you on this podcast, it would mean the world to me to have a review. Even if you hated it. I'm okay with positive and constructive criticism. If you hate this podcast, go ahead and throw me zero stars and let me know. I'm okay with that. I can take it. I'm not just about the five stars. Even though I know that I'm worthy of five stars every day I show up with my whole heart. And if this has made an impact on you, it would mean the world to me if you left a review either on Apple or any of the other places you can leave a review, it mean the world to me. And as we roll into 20, and I want you to know that I am just wishing you nothing but love and grace and direction and peace and even some pain along the way because it's in the pain that we really are able to grow. And I want you to know that you can feel pain and joy in the same breath. And that's where all the good stuff is. So until next time you guys, and into 2021, here's to becoming Bulletproof. I love you, I'm grateful for you, and I'll see you in the next year.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's Become Bulletproof.