111: The #1 Thing I’m Asked About the Enneagram (other than Mistyping)

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author.

Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur.

And master performance and business coach.

I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof.

Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And today I'm going to be talking about probably one of the number one things I'm asked about, the Enneagram. And because there are so many of you in business, in leadership, your parents, you know, I've talked about leadership not just in business, but in your home as well. I mean, sometimes that's the most important leadership you're operating with. And the number one question I get, other than, you know, I think I'm typed wrong, which I've got plenty of episodes about that coming. Um, but how do I know who I'm talking to.

Based on their Enneagram type? How do I know what enneagram type I'm talking to? And you've heard me talk about like it's, it's irresponsible to go around typing people based on behaviors and, and without permission. Right? And quite honestly, what you see is not usually what motivates people, especially in the world we live in where there's been lots of, of coping mechanisms that they've developed or trauma that's happened. If we start telling people what their Enneagram type is and we don't get to the root of things, we're doing people a huge, huge, huge disservice because the Enneagram is an amazing tool, but the right information is really important. However, one of the things I learned early on, first with my kids, I've talked about this before. My kids didn't even know about the Enneagram until four years after I'd started really learning about it. And I tell you that because there's lots of schools of thoughts thought with children specifically, I'm one of those that totally believe that you can narrow down the type of your children, but it's not like we're telling the kids what they are or labeling them or anything. This is a tool, right? It is a tool to learn how to more effectively communicate, to get to the root of who we are, things like that. And so in the first few years, the first four years, I knew for sure that I had one of my kids in the heart triad and one of my kids in the head triad. And I'll get into that in a second. Now, knowing that that eliminates six other types, because there's three in each triad, right? And knowing at least what triad you're dealing with when you're leading people or parenting kids or the people that you love. When you can narrow it down to the triad, this goes a long way, and you're really, really onto something. And obviously, the more that we are able to be curious and genuinely care about the people we're leading and loving, the more that we may be able to narrow it down. And again, it's not our responsibility to say, you know, I think you're a whatever, insert your enneagram type choice. What I did with my kids is I spoke as though they were. And you're going to know when you land. And that's exactly what I did with both my kids early on. But like I said, it wasn't until they were over 18 that I told them, hey, guess what I've been doing? Guess what I've been learning and effectively using. And if you've been listening for any length of time, you know that I have an incredible relationship with my kids that are, you know, 23 and 24 at this point. I started this when they were 14 and 15. So. But when you're leading people and you want to bring out the best in them and empower them, you have to know what motivates them. And this is probably one of the easiest things you can do with responsibility and integrity is narrowing down who you're speaking to based on their triad and each of the three triads. There's the heart triad, which has the enneagram, 2, 3, and 4 in it. The head triad, which has the 5, 6, and 7 in it. And the gut or body triad, which has the 8, 9, and 1 enneagram type in. And each of those triads have a very core, like, they have a core motivator. Now, how it looks for each of those three types in that triad looks very, very different, and I'll explain that in a second. But each one has a very distinct motive and a very distinct underlying emotion. Now, that being said, we all use all three of these. We all use our head, we all use our head, we all use our heart, we all use our head, and we all use our gut. Right. However one dominates. Like if you started keeping score of everything, like every compartment of your life there, and you do the six degrees of separation, before you get to the root of things, you're going to realize that one lands. Because a lot of times when I'm doing typing sessions with people, they'll say something and I'll know, like, I've kind of narrowed down where they're at and they'll answer a question that falls into one of the other triads and I'll dig a little deeper to really get to the root of it. You know, it's one of those things where I've done these exercises before in seminars and with coaches and, you know, getting to the root of things usually takes about six questions, six or seven questions to get to the real reason. Right. So if you ask me, why do you want to lose weight? I've got a wedding to go to. Okay, but why is that important to you? Oh, you know, and by the time you get to the sixth question, you get to the core root motivator. And with the enneagram type, it's no different. So when you're looking to bring out the best in people, when you understand the main motivator, you're going to know how to help them overcome challenges. You're going to know what actually drives them to not self sabotage and drives them to perform at a higher level and to be excited about things. And I use this obviously with my kids, you know, knowing that I have one child that's driven by significance and one child that's driven by certainty. And I'm not driven by either one of those. You, you recognize that that's two very different motivators. And, you know, whether it's with your kids or with leadership teams or businesses or organizations or, you know, your life partner, like when you're driven by something different, you have to know how to speak to that. And trying to make them like you won't work. Trust me, I tried that for a good 40 years and it didn't work at all. All it led to was a lot of frustration, a lot of broken friendships and relationships and a lot of miscommunications. And, you know, if we want to be effective leaders in our homes and in our businesses, then this is something that is super important. So back to the enneagram and how to narrow it down. So the heart triad which, like I said before, has the Enneagram 2, Enneagram 3 and Enneagram 4. So the helper, the achiever and the individualist, or the romantic, all three of those are driven by. By a core motivator of significance. And the underlying emotion for all three of them is shame. Now, like I said, it looks very, very different for all three of them. But when you can understand that this person is driven by significance of some sort. So how this looks for an Enneagram too is they usually are the giver. The doing things for other people will put their needs aside for somebody else. That is a need for significance. They believe that their significance is wrapped up in what they do for other people. The achiever is the go, go, go, the goal crusher, the winner at everything, the one that has the blinders on and just goes for it. And they're driven by a need for significance. They believe that their significance is tied to what they do achieve or how they appear. And the fours are driven by this internal significance. They're always on this quest to find their true, authentic self. So the two is.

An externalized need for significance. That three has a kind of this weird significance thing where.

You know, you see it in action, but they don't always wear that on their heart, right? So it's ironic that the three is in the heart track because you, you don't normally see it come out, but I'll explain that in a second too. And that four is an internal need for significance. Now, the underlying emotion for all three of these types is shame.

And again, the twos, when they feel like they've disappointed somebody, you see that shame. Sometimes, outwardly, the three very, very rarely, rarely will you see it. They stuff it down, they don't want to feel it, and the fours internalize it. So when you're dealing with somebody that's in the heart triad.

The thing that you want to understand is that there is something attached to their worth, that they. They need significance in order to feel worthy. So sometimes twos, you'll see over giving threes, you know, burning themselves out. Fours, they can go down the deep, dark hole, especially if they feel like a disappointment or there's something missing in them. And to speak life into them is to let them know that they are not what they give, do or how they appear, right? And just pouring love into them. And words of affirmation are going to be really, really, really important for all three of these guys. Okay, so in the head triad, this is the enneagram 5, 6 and 7. The investigator, the loyalist, and the enthusiast. And all three of these types have a motivator that is driven by a need for certainty. Right. And the underlying emotion for all three of these is fear or anxiety. So with the Five, their need for certainty comes differently than the other two. They.

They need to know that they're equipped and capable. So they kind of are like their name fits them perfectly. The investigator. They gather information and they hoard their information, can hoard their information, their energy. They're the most introverted on the Enneagram, and they have to collect all this information because they want to be equipped and prepared. And that's why they, they're very conservative with their, their ability to be around a lot of people at times because they want to make sure that their reserves are fully locked and loaded. So if something comes up, they're certain that they can be equipped and capable to handle it. This can paralyze them sometimes. And if they don't have those guidelines or if somebody else is trying to kind of navigate them and their situation, that fear and anxiety can really take over. I mean, borderline panic attacks sometimes. So understanding that especially about a 5, their, their need to kind of more work alone and not be as collaborative, knowing that about them and also honoring that, but also giving them gentle nudges here and there, you don't want to send them over the edge. Now the Sixes, the loyalists out of the head triad, probably have the most externally obvious need for certainty. They're the master troubleshooters. They're really good at collaborating with others. And a lot of this is rooted in their need to make sure everybody's kind of doing what they're supposed to be doing so they're not blindsided by, by something. The Sixes are very worst case scenario thinkers. And if they are blindsided by something like, and they didn't see something coming, the fear and anxiety can level them. And so understanding that about them is something that's really, really important in the Sevens. They need certainty that they're not going to be trapped or contained, right? So they, they have this, they need to have certainty that there will be an element of uncertainty, right? They want to know that they're not locked into anything that, that, that they at any moment can decide to pivot or course correct or do something. Different structure they're not a huge fan of, but it's also where they grow, right? So how you can speak to that and this Triad probably, I mean, I was talking to somebody earlier today, 10 years ago, me trying to talk to anybody in the heart or the head triad, I was not the most compassionate or understanding person. I'd be like, just suck it up. It's not that big a deal. Like saying suck it up to a heart triad and it's not that big a deal to a head triad are like the worst things you could ever say because one, it's not compassionate and two, like, their need for certainty is like, I am going to worry about it, so why don't you just shut up? But when you're speaking to the head triad and, and letting them know that you understand that this is something that they're afraid of, like almost speaking it before they could ever say, it really builds trust and credibility that you actually can give them some certainty, which is really, really important if you're leading them, loving them, friends with, with one, and I'm raising one. So with my daughter, when she was picking a career, I knew she was going to be in the beauty industry and I encouraged her. I'm like, here get all these kind of different qualifications. So every day feels like a different day because she's a seven. So even though she's in the beauty industry and she has, you know, a very.

Full, she has very full books, it's filled with all different services. She does all sorts of things in the beauty industry so that she never feels like she's trapped in one thing and it's. It works beautifully for her. And so when you're speaking to somebody in the head triad, you'll know, like, if they ask a lot of questions or they're always concerned about what other people are doing or, you know, what's the schedule look like or am I going to be stuck here then, you know, to speak life into that and let them know that you understand their concerns and have compassion for their concerns, and they'll be more likely to let you lead them. Now, dealing with the gut or the body triad, we're an interesting group of people. So we are constantly motivated by a need for truth or justice. And this looks really different for all three types.

And the underlying emotion for the Eight, the Nine and the One is anger. And just like the other triads, this looks very, very different for the 8, 9 and 1. So the eights have this motivator.

And I'm an 8, and I'm always seeking justice and truth. I'm always in protector mode, first for myself and then for the innocent. Right. So I'm really drawn to people that are the underdog. I'm always on alert that there's going to be a violation of vulnerability. Whether that's like emotional vulnerability or like somebody's in a vulnerable situation, they can't protect themselves. That's where the eight really shines. That's why they are crazy world class leaders when they're healthy, because they, they have the greatest good for the innocent. And people feel safe with us when we're healthy. The nines, they are seeking peace and justice for the collective, the environment, you know, almost to a fault where an 8 will go in hot and they don't have any fear of circumstances or fear of any anybody coming at them. The nines are seeking peace and justice and truth in the environment. And the ones are the integrity police. I call them the sheriffs in town because they are always right or wrong, black and white, good or bad. There's. They're not gray area thinkers at all. And this is really great because they have super high standards and they do keep people in check when it comes to integrity. And it's a really, that's where their justice is. Right now. The anger for all three of these looks very, very different. So why the 8 is the most mistyped on the enneagram is because that anger is so obvious sometimes, but it's not always rooted in the motive of an 8. And I say this all the time. A lot of eights are mistyped. They're something else. But they're typed as an 8. I see it all the time. But because the behaviors are so like, wow, they do stand out. So the eight with their anger, it's externalized. You will feel an eight even if my best friend tells me I'm very loud, even when I'm saying nothing, when I'm angry or intense, like you can hear it. Even if I'm quiet and not even looking at you, you can feel it. But the 8, 6 anger is externalized. The nines, they shove it down like the three shoves down their need for or like the three shoves down the shame.

The sevens shut down their fear and anxiety. The nines shut down their anger. It's there and it's brewing like a volcano. But very rarely will you see them angry. In fact, their anger kind of comes out a little passively, aggressively, passive aggressively. And the ones internalize their anger, they become that critical, critical person. And they may outwardly be critical, but I want you to know, if they're outwardly critical, magnify that by about 100. And that's what they do to themselves. So this is like the first step in really understanding who you're talking to, are they driven by significance, certainty, or truth or justice? And you can ask curious questions, not saying, hey, do you know what enneagram type you are? But you can really start to be curious. And this is like, this is where it's really important, whether you're leading people that you love or in business, like, you have to actually give a shit. Like give a shit. And not to manipulate or for your greatest good. But leadership is empowering people and bringing out the best in the people that you lead in your home and in your business. And I'm always asking really good questions. If you've ever spent any time with me, I ask a lot of questions. I don't care to talk about myself so much. I'd rather ask a bunch of questions. And in fact, when I'm around people that I'm just getting to know, I'll ask some questions and. And people will look at me like, wow, that's a great question. I haven't really thought about that. That's a really good question. And my motive is I want to understand what motivates them so I can speak in a language that they can receive, you know, my heart, any wisdom that I'm supposed to deliver somewhere. And it makes people feel seen, heard and understood. And when people feel seen, heard and understood, they trust, and there's respect. And it doesn't mean I ask questions that people like a lot of times, and I'm not cautious with my questions. I will go in. I'll go right in. I don't care if I've met you two minutes ago, if I'm going to be spending any time with you, whether it's, you know, a fun outing. I was with a bunch of people I didn't know this weekend, and I was like, hey, if I'm gonna spend time with these people, I don't. I don't like small talk. I want to know what motivates people because I give a shit. And if I'm going to be out and extroverted, which is rare, I want to have a good time. And I love good conversation. And, you know, when you can make somebody that just met you feel seen, heard and understood, there's magic that happens. They'll always remember you. They will. And that may lead to business down the road. That's not my motivator always, but it always does. When people can remember you and how you made them feel, that can lead to business opportunities. It could lead to love, it could lead to friendship. It could lead to networks of people that will Help you down the road and grow you down the road. And this is what it's all about. And this is usually the first step I take people through. Like, just know what motivates them. One of these three, it's not that hard. And if you ask good enough questions, you'll be able to land in that pretty quickly. And when you can make people believe that you hear their heart and hear their fears and that you not only can hear that, but you can help them with that, that goes such a long way in leadership. And I know that there are so many of you, you've been telling me like, this is, this is the thing that you want to know. And I get asked a lot about like your spouses and your kids. And that is something that I love helping people with. First and foremost, you have to know you. And I get that a lot. They want to know their husbands or their wives or their kids or their business partners. And the first thing I'll always tell you is to start with you. You know, before I could effectively lead my children, which is who I started with, with the Enneagram, I had to know myself inside and out. I needed to know where I am when I'm not healthy, where I am when I'm super healthy, where I go in growth and where I go in stress. Like that's the first and foremost thing you need inside and out. And the best way to do that honestly is to do a typing session with me. I've been doing them for, gosh, a couple years now. I've done hundreds and hundreds of typing sessions. I've gotten really damn good at it. Many of you, 65 to 70% of you that have taken an online assessment are typed improperly and inaccurately. And if you want to use the Enneagram as a powerful, amazing tool, then the right information is so, so important. And the other thing, you know, if you're going to explore this on your own, I get that is a self discovery process for sure. But if you've experienced a lot of trauma or you know, you're not sure or all these things, then having somebody guide you through it is probably the best way. And especially somebody who not only has walked this journey for almost a decade, but has taken now thousands of people through the journey, I would be honored to not only type you, but help you integrate it in your life. I do typing sessions, I do the Enneagram experience, which is full integration of that in your life. And I also do powerful team Enneagram workshops and facilitate leadership teams and organizations. Within businesses and organizations. I'm having so much fun with that. It's so awesome for a collective to be able to put all the pieces together. Because when you realize that, you know, these, everybody's motivated by something different, you realize that you have taken so much crap personally that really wasn't personal. Now, I'm not minimizing that. It doesn't feel personal sometimes, especially if a Nate's coming in hot at you or a six is like losing their shit because of uncertainty or, you know, a three is like driving you so hard because you know they've got a goal and they're driven by significance. I get that it can feel personal. But when you understand that every single one of us is motivated by something different, you realize that so little of this is personal. And when you can kind of pull back a little bit and see that and then communicate in different ways, that that really drive the line and, and have you as a more effective leader for those that you love and lead in business, you're going to see how much less energy you have to use up, which is great because we're all going Mach 10 right now. The less energy I have to outpour in trying to get my point across or trying to lead somebody effectively, it means I have more reserve for the bigger, better things in my life too. The big dreams and all of that. And I know you want that too. So I'm going to tell you right now. Go to my website, Tracy O' Malley.com go to the work with me section and check it out. Also, this is what's happening in 2021. Also, I am going to be switching up the podcast and instead of the traditional interviews that I did in my very first season of the podcast, it is going to be transitioning into you hearing me live coach people a through typing sessions. I'll be doing live typing sessions. And if that is something you want to do, reach out to me. Slide into the DMS on Instagram @tracey_ O' Malley, or you can email me off my website. That will be happening in 2021 where I will be doing live typing sessions on air. It will be very exciting to do. You'll see my whole process. And I will also be interviewing people that have been typed properly with me and hearing how the right information has helped them change their businesses, their families, their parenting, themselves, all of that in 2021 and beyond. And if that is something you are interested in, please reach out to me. There will be some criteria in order for you to be one of the typing sessions on air, but it's going to be really, really exciting. And I encourage you if you love the Enneagram at all. And it's way more than a fun party game or this thing that we do with people. It's way deeper than that. This is something that can have the ability to change your entire life like it has mine. It changed the culture in my home as a single mom raising two kids on my own. It's been amazing in how we communicate with each other. And if you haven't listened to the podcast with each of my kids being interviewed, I encourage you to do that. It's amazing. It's made me a world class leader. I have an organization in my network marketing team of over 103,000 people. Seven millionaires in that organization, and all seven of us have very different personalities, which is pretty amazing to be able to lead everyone.

I have the most incredible friendships, all different personalities as well. And to be able to speak life into them, it's been amazing. And every relationship in my life.

It builds intimacy when you can speak life into people. And I would love to help you do that. So go to the website tracey o'malley.com and if you love this episode, want to hear how this helped you and how you're going to use this in your life, whether it's in your homes or your businesses or both, or just getting to know yourself at a deeper level. And you know, I have a picture of myself on my desk from when I was 4 years old. And I think I've told you guys, there's like, I only have 12 pictures of me as a kid. And this one is just the sweetest thing. She I was 4 years old and she's a reminder every day that I dig into the Enneagram and especially when, you know, I have stuff come up because I still do. Reminder that it's just helping me get back to giving that sweet little thing a voice and her voice and she doesn't have to be so scared all the time. And the Enneagram can help with so much. So I would love to hear what you gained from this episode, what you love about this episode, how you're going to use this information to move the needle in your life and in the lives of the people that you touch. I love this. It's just like one big puzzle piece to put together. It's amazing. Until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show, today. It would mean a lot to me me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life.

And do the work.

Let's become bulletproof.