112: How Each Enneagram type Moves into another Enneagram type when you are under stress

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

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Welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. Soon to be a new name with all Enneagram things. I am so excited that we are in 2021 and you know, after the year that we have just had, you know, nobody could have predicted it. It affected every single person. It did not discriminate. And I know that with that it exposed some breakdowns maybe in the way that you're operating, whether it's in your home, in your business, in your life, in your health, all of it. I really think that 2020, the way that it was such a gift, is that it allowed you to see maybe where you need some work. And I really looked at 2020 with so much gratitude. It was very hard for me as well. But when I think about how I personally was able to navigate 2021, not just for me personally, but also within my home, as a parent, as a business owner, a business partner, as a friend, all of it. I looked at 2020 with so much gratitude for the information and integration of the Enneagram and how I've been able.

To navigate really hard things. And when I think back 12 years earlier to 2008, and maybe you were one of the people like I was that completely got their world rocked by the downturn in the economy. I know that that had a huge part in where I was at, along with maybe some not so great decisions and not being prepared properly and maybe not diversifying enough, but the way that handled it back in 2008 was a complete and total shit show.

And the thing that I tell people a lot of the time is we can't control a lot of things that happen in the world or in our lives or with people we care about or people we lead. We don't have control of those things. All we have control of really, quite simply is ourselves and our responses and reactions to things. And the way that I responded 12 years earlier to the crisises that were happening in the world, in my life, in my home. I mean, I was also going through a divorce at the time, so that was really fun. The way that I handled it back then was not so great. And when I have faced, I've shared very candidly, the last 18 months of my life have been the hardest of my life. Even hearing what 2008 was like. The last 18 months have been a lot more hard things, challenging things, gut wrenching things that have happened for me. And the way that I navigate those things look very, very different. And that is the beautiful gift of the Enneagram. And today I want to talk about.

The numbers that we go to under stress. One of the things you may not know is a lot of times when we're exploring the Enneagram, we look at just our type. Once we know that we're typed properly, it's like, boom, let me know all the things about my type. I've said this before, our main type doesn't change, but the way that it gets expressed can. Between the wings, the subtypes, our growth numbers, which I did a podcast last week on, and now our stress numbers. So each Enneagram type has a number that we go under extreme stress. So when I was looking at myself as an 8 and I looked at, you know, the levels of health, so there's nine basic levels of health within each Enneagram type. And back when I was learning it, I was probably at a level three or four, which was, like I said, a shit show. Those obvious characteristics of the eight, the domineering, the aggressive, the bully like tendencies, the anger, the explosiveness, that was very apparent. But when those things, when we are at our unhealthiest point, like that anger, the domineering, when that stops working and we're not getting the movement that we want, even though you and I both know that when we're at our unhealthiest, things don't necessarily move for the better long term, it's usually a quick fix, short game, kind of I just want the pain to stop. I need things to change right now. And that's like our fear operating is the unhealthy parts of our number. But on the other side of that, on the next level, when stress is maxing out, each Enneagram type goes to another number under stress. And it almost looks completely different than what our obvious kind of.

Displays of character show. Up as some. Same thing with our growth numbers, which in the podcast that I did on our growth numbers, a lot of times when I'm working with people on their Enneagram, they're like, well, that doesn't feel natural or comfortable for me. While growth never does. The goal is to understand the framework of our soul within the Enneagram, so we know what we look like in growth. And when we want to face that resistance or shut down the resistance, we can lean into it. The other thing that's really, really important, and this was where I gave myself so much compassion, love and grace, was understanding the stress numbers of not just my type, but all the other types. And this information, hands down, was the most important part of me understanding my children in the home. And obviously when I'm working with others and business partners and things like that, it's super, super important because when we are faced with people or ourselves under extreme stress, it feels really fucking personal, right? Especially if they're coming at you hot. And when I looked at my son's stress number and my daughter's stress numbers back almost a decade ago, when they were under the extreme stress, not just the unhealthy parts of their Enneagram type, but their stress numbers, that's when it was a full blown explosion going on in my house. Them under their stress numbers without my understanding of it, felt very disrespectful, very personal.

And all things. And when innate's feeling disrespected, like it's all hell's breaking loose. And that's exactly what was happening at the time. But once I really first and foremost understood myself and where I went under stress and was able to recognize that that's me under extreme stress, what's really happening, you know, I can ask these questions instead of just going on autopilot under stress. Knowing this information allowed me to take an inventory. Okay, what's really going on? What am I really fearful of? What am I worried about? And knowing your core motive will allow you to get that answer a lot faster. That's why being typed properly is so, so, so important. And if you need help with that, reach out to me. I do typing sessions all damn day. I love it. I'm working on a typing workshop so I can serve more of you. But getting your type right is really, really important. Because when you can understand your type and then understand your growth numbers and your stress numbers, this like, this is the secret sauce. This is where real magic happens and real compassion and love happen. So when I understood me as an eight that I went where I went under growth was the two, which was exciting. And when I understood where I went in growth and realized that I had been sabotaging my own growth for almost four decades, I was like, well, shit. And so when you know the target you're headed for, you can, when you see the target, you can hit the target, right? And that's the growth numbers. But the other important part is understanding the blind spots, which can be our stress numbers. So me as an eight, you know, I'm very, I can appear very assertive, aggressive, very loud even when I'm not saying anything. My best friend tells me that all the time. She goes, you're so freaking loud even when you're saying nothing and you're equally loud when you disengage. And that's what I really understood about me as an eight. And I'll go through each enneagram type and where you go under stress and what that might look like or mean to you. But me understanding me under stress and what that number looked like allowed me to course correct and pivot a lot faster out of it without so much emotional charge and shame and all the things that I used to beat the inner critic and all of it. So you understanding that this is you just kind of stepping off your path and taking that inventory of what's really going on will really help you leave a lot less wreckage behind, hurt a lot less people.

And really give yourself some grace. So I'll start with the one, the improver, the perfectionist. And this is something that's pretty, this is close to home for me. So the ones that reformer, the improver, the perfectionist, they're the good or bad, black and white thinkers, not a lot of gray area. They are the high standard people, high integrity. But when they're under stress, they take on, you know, when they're under stress, they can look a little critical, right? Instead of that inner critic happening all the time, they start to turn that outward a little bit more. But when that doesn't work anymore, they become the unhealthy four, which is the individualist, right? And all of a sudden they become this emotional.

Very self absorbed kind of behavior happens, which is so out of their character a lot of the time because there's such compliance and they're, you know, they're so thinking about how to improve things all the time. So when they go into the self absorption mode, it's so like out of nowhere sometimes because they're so buttoned up and kept together and you know, if You're a one or you love or lead a one. And you see that happening, you know that they're under stress. And you can maybe.

Ask better questions, have a little bit more patience, because you'll be able to help them pull out of that a lot faster. The twos under stress go to the unhealthy eight, which this was the defining moment for me in understanding the power of the Enneagram, because, you know, rewind almost a decade ago, you know, my kids were 14 and 15 at the time. I was not at my best. I was a level 3 8, which is not the easiest person to live with. Shit, a level 9 healthiest 8 is not an easy person to live with, let alone a level three or four one in a situation that I just explained at the beginning of this podcast. So my son is a two. And when he's under extreme stress, that two is that helper. They over give. They're super sweet and kind and loving and compassionate and empathetic. And when they're under stress, they can be over givers and have some resentment. But when that kind of builds up and builds up and builds up, all of a sudden, that sweet natured giving to all of a sudden looks like an explosive eight. And when my son would hit that point and I'm an unhealthy, explosive eight, it was like two bulls in the center ring ramming each other and going head to head. And literally there was a point back in 2012, I literally almost killed my own son. It was not good. Not my shining moment as a parent, but it felt so disrespectful when he would communicate at me, my mirror, basically. But now when I see him start to lean into that, it's very, very rare because he understands this and catches himself. But under extreme stress, when I start to see.

Those parts of me that I know very well, instead of taking it personal, I know it's not personal. I know he's hit his breaking and I can lean into his superpower of compassion and love and give him that even when it's annoying that he looks so much like me and it pulls him out immediately. So the threes, you know, they're the goal achiever, like, go after their goals. Blinders on, like, will destroy anything in their path to have success, achieve crush goals. I mean, they're amazing.

And when they have gone at it and they're kind of burning the candle at both ends and burnout's coming, burnout's inevitable for a 3. If they don't kind of rein it in from time to time and take that inventory. Gut check. And what happens when they hit burnout is they resemble the unhealthy nine, which is that peacemaker. And all of a sudden this go, go, go, go, go get her all of a sudden becomes very lazy of spirit, shuts down completely.

They almost fall off the face of the earth for a little bit. And that's such an uncomfortable position for them that when they hit this point, when I see a three kind of let themselves go a little bit, they stop taking care of themselves. Rarely will you see that they usually do this in isolation because so much about their identity is how they appear. So a lot of times when a three hits this point, you won't know it and you won't see it. And they hide it very, very well. They become very introverted and secretive with it.

But when I'm working with threes and I recognize that I can help pull them out and you can have. It's hard with threes because they, they really don't let anybody see this. Very, very rarely. Those closest to them or live with them, you might sometimes see it and it feels like polar opposites sometimes. But when you're a three and you recognize this, a lot of times a three will go to shame and beat internally. And then you'll hear things like, I gotta do this, I need to do this. And when I'm working with threes, I really, really try to help them avoid putting that kind of language at what they're doing. Because what that can do is actually create more stress. And the shutdown and the burnout and the health problems really, really come into play. Now my fours, my individualists, when you know they are in an unhealthy spot, obviously they can become pretty self absorbed and emotional and dramatic. But when that doesn't work so much and they are in hyper stress, they will automatically start to disassociate a little bit. And even though they're very dramatic in an unhealthy pattern, when they start to disassociate and start outwardly.

Being of service over the top, they over give. And then the resentment kicks in and they will take care of anything but themselves. They will have that resentment pile up and then they can become explosive too. And then they start to beat themselves up because they were explosive. So when you see that happening with a four or they stop taking care of themselves and just focus on everything else but themselves, I mean, that's the opposite of what a four does. That four is so always seeking that authentic part of them. So when they kind of disengage from that and just start focusing on everything else but them, that's how you know four is in trouble. And to really take the time to see them, understand them, hear them, love them.

It'S important. But it can be pretty ugly when it gets to that point. The Fives, this is an interesting thing. So the Enneagram 5, which is the investigator, they're the most introverted, reserved, analytical, on the Enneagram, and they're introverted by nature. So a lot of times when they're unhealthy, you may not see it as well because they're so introverted, and people don't expect them so much to be wearing their feelings on their chest or to be outward with anything, pretty much. But when a fi. When that stops working for a 5, they almost can become in a manic state and take on the unhealthy seven, which is the enthusiast. And all of a sudden, this introverted Five can look like they're bouncing through a pinball machine. And it's also a form of disassociation. They.

Start bouncing from thing to thing. They might become all of a sudden very extroverted, very rarely, but more just even so, like, they'll go down the Google trap of a hundred different things instead of one thing at a time, you know, because the Fives are really, like, they perfect one thing at a time. They study one thing and become an expert of one thing at a time. Where all of a sudden, if they take on that enthusiast and bounce from thing to thing to thing to thing, that is very out of character, naturally, for a Five. So when I see these things kind of pop up.

You can let them. And a lot of times, people will actually encourage that because they can appear more fun, appear more easygoing. But when I know that I'm working with a 5 or leading a 5, I know what that means. That's them under stress. And I am able to help them rein that in by asking different questions and ask what's really going on. Right? And for some people, it feels very exposing to feel seen. I know for me, when I get to the eight, you'll understand why. Why that feels very vulnerable. But when you're in charge of loving and leading people and, you know, one of the most important things is not always having the comfortable conversations, but being willing to have the uncomfortable ones in the name of love and leadership. And sometimes that's required. So my sixes. My sixes, the loyalists, are the troubleshooters, the collaborators, the worst Case scenario thinkers and they are cautious. A lot of time they have about six different plans in case things go sideways. I'm very close to sixes. I have very close people in my life that are sixes. And when their troubleshooting doesn't work anymore or they feel like they don't have control of a situation, that 6 can almost resemble an unhealthy 3 where the blinders are on and they're barreling towards goals they can't even think straight. And even though they still are troubleshooting, it is almost appearing manic to them. It's a form of disassociation. They get outside of themselves and fixate on what they actually do have control of. So they start setting crazy goals and doing all the things and it's a way for them to not be in their fear and anxiety, but it does actually create more. And all of a sudden.

They feel like they're spinning out like a tornado and then they panic even more. And so when I'm working with sixes or loving on my sixes in my life, I'm like, okay, I'm seeing the three come out. What's going on? What are you avoiding right now? Or what are you afraid of? Again, it's not always.

The easy conversations that are important. It's most importantly, especially in leading and loving people. It's the harder conversations and calling it out with love because you do care. It's really important. So my sevens, this was another one. So I'm raising a seven. My daughter's a seven. That free spirit, anything's possible. The optimistic, optimistic person. They see beauty in everything, like anything's possible. Stupid idea time. It's like their favorite thing. And a seven that's not so healthy can appear flaky, right? Kind of flaky and bouncing. Maybe not as focused as a healthier enthusiast or the Visionary 7, but when that flakiness and the like, it's not cutting it anymore and they're still feeling stress, all of a sudden this easygoing, free spirited, optimistic seven go to the unhealthy one, which is that perfectionist. And this also felt really disrespectful. When I wasn't healthy, when my daughter would hit this breaking point, all of a sudden this free spirit turns into the most rigid, close minded, my way or the highway kind of operator. And I was like, what in the world? So when that seven gets to that point and you know, they all of a sudden put blinders on and you know, it's almost like they're white knuckling some form of control because they feel so completely out of whack. That's. That's how I recognize things. Or when they feel like there's too much pressure being put on them, they will white knuckle anything. And, you know, this has been a huge, growing point. Me understanding this has changed everything and how my daughter and I communicate, because I don't like that. That rigid energy when A1 is under stress. It's a lot. And eights and ones can go head to head when it gets to this point. So when my daughter hits that.

I used to take it very personal. I'm like, are you freaking kidding me? All of a sudden, now you've got, like, things have to go a certain way when you're just like, so the opposite of that and very critical, very snarky sometimes. And so when I recognize my daughter slipping into that instead of it. I mean, there are times it feels personal, but I know it's not personal and can kind of step back a little bit and say, okay, what is overwhelming you right now? Are you in a situation that doesn't feel good to you? Do you feel trapped? Like, I can ask these questions that really kind of pattern interrupt her. And all of these questions when you find somebody under stress are just a form of pattern interrupt because they don't want to be in that state, but they don't know what else to do. And so when I'm feeling that kind of energy shift in my daughter, you know, because I know what the core fear is of each Enneagram type and my daughter being a seven, their core fears, being trapped.

Being made to feel painful things. So when I'm feeling that coming on, I can, like, say to her, okay, what's. What's overwhelming you right now? And almost immediately, she feels seen. It's like, okay, I can stop it dead in my tracks and kind of like, what can I do right now? What can I do right now to alleviate some of this stress instead of just frantically going, all right now the eight. And this was so eye opening for me as an 8. Obviously, why we're the most mistyped on the enneagram is because our behaviors when we're under stress are so obvious and explosive and all the things that I said. And sometimes when my anger doesn't work anymore or.

The 8 does not want to be controlled, and when we feel controlled all of a sudden, whether it's controlled by vulnerability, controlled by a situation, controlled by anything, what happens to an 8 is all of a sudden they take on the Unhealthy parts of the five, which is the investigator. So all of a sudden, this domineering person that is willing to go into a burning fire and go in hot to most situations.

All of a sudden turns introverted, becomes ultra, ultra private. And this was something that was very eye opening for me when I was building my friendships and I was told how private I am. That is the investigator. Because it feels very vulnerable for me to be in intimate relationships with people and friendships and of the sort that all of a sudden that private person and that conserving of my energy and em comes into play. The other part of the unhealthy five is all of a sudden I start building cases. I start collecting information to build a case of why I need this titanium wall to protect my vulnerability. And so when I can see that in eights, I know and see that in myself, there's a difference between solitude and isolation. And I'm always having to kind of check myself. Like, if I'm in isolation, I know I'm in my five, and I'm under extreme stress. And so I start asking myself, okay, what am I? How do I feel vulnerable right now? What vulnerable position? What kind of vulnerable position am I in right now that is making me throw the walls up? And it's hard because behind the walls is like fear and pain and sadness. And an 8 doesn't want to show that. So to kind of expose that and stop building the case so much forces me to look at more of the vulnerable parts that I really go to the ends of the earth to protect all costs. So if you love or lead an eight, when you see them kind of go to the dark side, that's what that looks like. And those closest to me, my kids, my friends, they're like, I feel you're five, and like my friend said, is, you know, you're so loud even when you're saying nothing, your energy that you bring to anything is so loud that when you disengage and go into my unhealthy five, the loudness of my disengagement is so present as well. It's like, you know, your energy takes up so much space that when you disengage, it feels like a hole the size of the grand canyon. And so that's very apparent with an 8 as well. And last but not least, my nines, my peacemakers, they, you know, are very inclusive and they are very easygoing. And when they're backed into a corner, you know, the first line of defense, their unhealthy part is they kind of just shut down and become lazy of spirit. But when that doesn't work anymore and they are still under stress and they're not finding relief, all of a sudden the passive aggressive behavior comes out, that unhealthy six, the.

Almost the ridiculous stubbornness comes out.

You think they don't know what's going on, but they do. And all of a sudden the T get turned and that peacemaker all of a sudden can look like a dragon. And although they may not be explosive so much like an 8, that passive aggressive behavior and passive aggressive anger can come out and almost feel like you've been blindsided out of nowhere. So understanding all the stress numbers is so, so, so important, especially for yourself, but those you lead and love. When you understand where each Enneagram type goes under stress, and obviously I know you want to bring out the best in every person that you care about and lead and empower, knowing this is going to be so, so important.

To help them get out of it. And when you are able to see here and understand them with love and compassion, the ability to pull them out of that stressful sit.

Is life changing for them. It is the game changer. And this is the secret sauce to really helping people snap out of their sabotaging behaviors. The shame, the anger, the anxiety that this creates even more. I mean, we go to these stress numbers to try and alleviate the painful things, but it actually creates more. So the more that you can identify this in others and help them gently and elegantly through the process, not only will that build credibility and trust, as, you know, their friend, their parents, their lover, their business partner, their mentor.

It will allow them to see this in themselves and be able to do this for themselves. It's one of the greatest gifts of the Enneagram is these understanding the stress numbers. And so if you want to know what this means for you and you want to dive a little deeper, obviously these podcasts are amazing. I will continue to bring more and more and as 2021 evolves, I will be doing live typing sessions so you can hear what that looks like. I will be doing live interviews about Enneagram integration and how when people have been typed properly, how they understand these numbers, whether it's growth or stress or all the other parts, but if you want to know, you're like trace, I am tired of trying to figure this out on my it. The fastest way to understand and use this beautiful tool in its most effective manner is to do a typing session with me or to do the Enneagram Experience with me where we deep dive into all the parts of it. You can go to tracyomalley.com@the work with Me section. I would be happy to take you through this journey. It is so life changing and so many of you are being mistyped properly. 65 to 70% of you that have taken the online assessments, any of them are mistyped. And if you're using this tool, you aren't seeing things clearly. You don't have the right soul map. And if this is something you want to integrate in your life, in your business, and your parenting, in your relationships, then book a typing session with me. I would be honored to walk this journey with you. If you are loving this episode, I would love to hear what you learned about it. Take a screenshot, let me know where you go under stress and how that plays out. Tag me in it so I can kind of even help you along the way. If you are recognizing some of this and you're not sure what to do with it, I think this is the most powerful tool in personal development there is. And after 20 years of trying to chip away at all the things that I have done to hold me back, understanding the gift of the Enneagram and how to integrate it in all aspects of your life can really change everything. And if that is something you want to do, please reach out. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with talking about this and helping many of you through this because it doesn't have to be as hard as you're making it. I know that for me, for 40 years, I made this a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be. So if that is you, I look forward to walking alongside you in this journey, this Enneagram journey, and for you to do what you were called to do in this world. And until next time, here's to becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it. And tag me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you will want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life. And do the work. Let's become bulletproof.

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