113: The Stances: The Yin & Yang of the Enneagram

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming a Bullet Proof podcast. And we are halfway through January and I know many of you were starting even before.

2021, saying, I'm going to do a bunch of epic shit this year. And then maybe some of you got onto Facebook or Instagram or we're sitting around shooting the shit with some friends and fellow peers and all of a sudden the comparison kicked in. Or, you know, you got this fire hose of information coming in and the pressure picks up and then what happens? We go into self sabotage, we go into shame, we go into isolation, we go into burnout. All of these different things start to happen. And I myself at the beginning of January was feeling it too. I woke up one day and I was feeling really blue and I wasn't sure what it was about. And you know, most of my life I have just been working. I don't take enough time to play because early on in my life when I played, things went bad. I was not conditioned that way. And. And quite honestly, I have all the proof in the world that when I play more, I make more. It's unreal. And even though I know this and have proof not just in how I feel, but in my bank account, I still resist that sometimes because I too fall into the trap of doing more means I make more, or doing more means I'm going to find more fulfillment more or doing more. And you can fill in the blank for whatever that means for you. But in working with thousands and thousands of people over the last decade, I know that this is a common theme and it doesn't look the same for everyone. And because so many of you are really falling in love with the Enneagram and using it as the tool that it is, one of the things that may help you understand when you're setting intentions for yourself or when you start going into comparison towards Susie on Instagram and why she makes it look so easy and why it may look harder for you. Some of the things that really allow me to kind of keep myself in check using the Enneagram are the stances. And the stances are.

In a nutshell. They define our social style of how we get what we want or need. It's a look at how you move through the world based on the wounding you experienced in childhood. What happens is you lose the ability to balance all three of your intelligence centers, like the thinking, feeling, and doing.

Which leads to one of those centers being more repressed. By knowing your stance for your type, you'll learn how to tap into your repressed center to achieve harmony within your mind, your body, your heart. The Enneagram is one of the best tools to help you grow. And as you guys know, this is why I love it so much. And while there are many ways to approach this, working with your stance actually provides actionable ways to help you feel more aligned. So you can think of it as the Yin and Yang of the Enneagram. Plus, if you are struggling to find your type, this might just be the very thing that helps you distinguish it.

You know, The Enneagram is my favorite system of self awareness. It is the roadmap of your soul. Quite honestly, it allows me, when I do get off track or Siri takes me off my course, to help me guide my way with love and compassion back onto where I'm headed. Right? It also helps you understand your motivation, not just what you do. This is why the Enneagram is so fragile, freaking different than everything else. But it helps you understand why you do what you do and when you understand why you do what you do instead of just what we do. Because when we just focus on what we do, that's where we pull out the whipping stick on ourselves and the beating ourselves up. And shame and guilt come in, right? Because we're just looking at the what. When we can understand the why and the motive behind what we do, the chances of us leaning into compassion, empathy, love, grace really kick in. And when we are able to navigate ourselves with those things, that is when we are able to really use our superpowers. And that is one of the things that I love about the Enneagram. So, you know, as far as, you know, the stances go, one of the things that I really can help when I'm. When I'm working with somebody or I'm Trying to distinguish who's in front of me at the time. At any given time. I look at their stances. Are they a more aggressive stance? Are they like more aggressive and assertive? Are they more dependent or dutiful or are they more withdrawn? And three types fall into each of these categories and each of so in each stance there's three different Enneagram types. And within that stance is one from each center, the head, the heart and the body. And so you know, this may help you narrow down if you can recognize yourself and how you deal with life, you might be able to narrow down your number even more. So I'm going to go through the dependent, compliant or dutiful types first. And these are The Enneagram types 1, 1, 2 and 6. They fall into this category. So they move towards people with compliance solutions to get what they need or want. And they are more thinking repressed. Right. So these types make sense of the world through relationships, the Ones, the Twos and the Sixes. So they are emotionally attuned to what's happening in the present moment and can respond to, to things by taking action. So these are very team oriented types. They are concerned with the larger group. They're all, they're like solution based. They're always wanting to come up to solutions or improvements that benefit everyone around them. So some of the defining positive characteristics in the dependent stance, including the Ones, the Twos and the Sixes, are they're very relational, high problem solvers, emotionally intuitive, they're compassionate towards people and causes and they're concerned for the greater good. So if you think about the Ones, the improvers, otherwise known as the Reformers, the Twos, the Helpers and the Sixes, the Loyalists, their names themselves embody that. So Ones move towards what will earn them autonomy by following rules and doing what's right. Twos move towards what will earn them praise and acceptance by focusing on helping others. And Sixes move towards what will help them feel safe and certain by building a secure environment and aligning themselves with a group. That's why the Sixes are the most collaborative on the Enneagram. And some of the challenges that these types might face are they can sometimes struggle to think independently, right? So a lot of times they need proof or they need more opinions and, and that's where they can get into trouble, which actually creates more confusion for themselves. Another challenge that they face is they can become self sacrificial and so resentment will build. They have a hard time setting boundaries sometimes. And a lot of times these three types Feel a secret sense of superiority. They can kind of get this inflated ego from time to time because they're like the integrity people. All three of these types are about integrity too. So how these three types can tap into their thinking center, since this is the most repressed for all three of these, alone time is going to be critical for these three to connect with themselves. And a lot of times they don't like to do this because when they're in their head.

They want to just go into helping other people or taking care of situations. So taking walks and spending time in nature, developing really cool hobbies or passions are all really good pract.

For these types to tap into their own kind of identity. And I'm close with twos and sixes especially. And this is true. I'm always suggesting that for them. It's also really important for these dependent types to not judge the thoughts they have. That's a lot of times why they want to avoid being alone with their thoughts, because they go into hypercritical mode. Those three types really can beat the crap out of themselves. And they often can carry guilt and feel a sense of duty or loyalty to something outside of themselves, which hinders their free thinking. So by holding onto a standard of perfectionism and being a good person, they can really repress their own desires. So when they can extend that same compassion to themselves as they do for others, this is where they really liberate their minds and expand their sense of self. All right, in the withdrawn stance, these are the enneagrams type. Enneagram types 4, 5, and 9. So this is also really helpful. If you're looking at your enneagram assessment, you're looking at the top four scores. This is what I always recommend when you take an enneagram assessment online is take the top four scores and look at the motivation as well as the stance for these types. So in the withdrawn stance, enneagram types, fours, which is the individualists, the fives, the investigators and the nines, the peacemakers, all fall into this one. They move away from others to get what they need or want and are doing repressed.

They have a hard time taking action. Sometimes that's like out of the three, the head, the heart and the body, they're most body repressed. These type have rich, rich inner worlds as they detach from others to find fulfillment within. In times of stress, they can retreat into their minds and they rely on their inner strength and knowledge to guide them to the answers and comfort they're looking for. So a lot of times when These three types, the fours, the fives and the nines, are faced with tough situations. This is where they kind of ghost people, right? And then it's not personal. But I will say this, being close with fours, fives and nines, it feels really freaking personal. Mainly because I fall into a different type, and I'll explain that in a minute.

But if you are a four, five or nine, being aware that this is your stance that you go to, and being aware that how this may affect a type different from you is something that's really, really important. So some of the beautiful positive characteristics of being in the withdrawn stance are you're super self aware, super imaginative, observant, insightful, very curious. The fours, the individualist or romantics, move away from a sense of something missing within them by connecting with their authenticity. This is where they're the most creative and artistic on the Enneagram. And they can be like the dark soul. Sometimes. Fives move away from what triggers their personal shortcomings by finding security within their minds and resources. This is why they become the experts of things. This is how they believe they will have certainty as well. Nines move away from conflict and distress by seeking an environment that brings them peace. This is where they can appear very avoidant and just want to make everything better, right? But a lot of times when they realize that the shit around them isn't changing, that's where they kind of go seek it out themselves for themselves. Some of the challenges of being a withdrawn type, some of you might be facing this is you can struggle with connection outside of yourselves a lot of times. I know fours, fives and nines.

You know, you're good with people to an extent, but when you are being faced with something, it's like the blinders go on. And like I said, it can feel very, very personal to the other six types when we are dealing with somebody in the withdrawn stance, because it feels so personal.

But I do recognize that.

When you're under stress, you have a hard time seeing anything about anybody else. And this is where you can appear self absorbed or about yourself. They're a little egotistical. So if you're loving or leading one of these three types, the fours, the fives or the nines, understanding this will allow you to have more compassion and empathy for them. Now, that being said, these three types, when I'm leading them, or loving them for that matter.

Allowing them their space with limits, because these three types can really go into the dark hole of withdrawing and it can perpetuate this cycle of.

Feeling Insignificant. The other challenge that these three types face is they feel their presence is insane. Insignificant. They want to be seen, but not wanting to engage. It's very, very true. And all three of these types are fixated on the past proof, you know, they're, they're building a case in their heads about.

Why things didn't go so well. And this is how they protect themselves. By withdrawing. So if you are a 4, 5 or 9, or love or lead, a 4, 5, 9, and how you can help them tap into the body center, the doing center. And is connection. Connection is critical for the withdrawn types. Knowing they want to withdraw, you know, to grow in anything, we usually have to do the opposite thing of what our natural reaction is to crisis. So connection is critical for them. So by seeking others to share your observations and passions with you, fours, fives and nines can become more confident in how your presence matters and you know, loving and leading. These three typ, they bring special gifts to the table. So you guys have to let us in a little bit. I get you need your boundaries and you need your space. And that's a very real thing for these three types. But again, with limits. And once, like once you guys understand.

And once you understand that your presence really does matter, you bring so much beauty to the world, whether it's through your brain or your artistic or creative abilities or your easygoing nature with the nines, once this comes to light, you'll feel more inspired to take action on your dreams. And taking small actions, even something as small as reaching out to someone you admire or simply committing to sharing something that you're fascinated with. To help these types become more proactive will be really, really important. Because withdrawn types are highly self aware. They don't so much struggle with naming what needs to be done, but rather acting on it. These three types really can lay what needs to be done. But all three of these types actually can become paralyzed in acting on it. They have big ideas and they have a visionary spirit in themselves, but very rarely will they act on it. And that's why a lot of them have a hard time calling themselves visionaries, but they are. This stems from questioning their own contributions and how they can really make a difference. So the challenge for the withdrawn types is getting outside of your fantasies and your your own head and becoming present, present in the moment so that you can feel empowered to be fully yourselves in the world. All right, the last three types fall into the aggressive or the assertive stance. And these are the threes, the sevens and the eights. The Threes are the achievers, the Sevens are the enthusiasts, the Eights are the challengers. And we move against people focusing on what we, because I, I'm an eight, what we themselves need or want and are feeling repressed. We are feeling repressed. So you know, I've talked about this before, like my growth number is a two, which is, you know, the helper, compassion and empathetic. That is the least natural for me.

So because my feeling gets repressed, I'm more focused on the doing all the time. So are the Threes and the Sevens. So as the name applies, these three types, the Three, Sevens and Eights are bold, assertive and carry very strong energy with our presence. And these are a lot of the times what you see on the social media thing that you start comparing yourself to. And although we do get shit done where the movers and shakers a lot of the time, there is a dark side to this as well. And I'll get to that in a second.

These three are also very quick witted. We often become like Judge Judy and we feel like others move too slowly for them very differently. All three of these types move very differently, but we're very fast paced.

All three of us work to push our own agenda forward and get others on board with their big ideas. So the positive characteristics of being in the aggressive or assertive stances for the Threes, the Sevens and the Eights are they're big action takers, action oriented for sure, very direct, very high energy, optimistic and persuasive. And these are a lot of the ones that you're comparing yourself to. So threes move against what gets in the way of their goals. So you know, you know that they are all about achievement, appearing successful image. So they move against what gets in the way of their goals while seeking attention and praise for their accomplishments. And a lot of times it's very subtle too. Not all of them like wear this cloak of I need approval, pay attention to me. But you can tell they're always kind of moving the finish line a little bit. Sevens move against what gets in their way of happiness. So Threes are about the goals, Sevens are about happiness and what feels good. So they seek security by satisfying all of their desires. That's why they can bounce from niche to niche, they can bounce from thing to thing, they can appear flaky sometimes. And Eights, the challengers, move against what gets in the way of their agenda. Because eights are always seeking autonomy by being in control. They don't want to have to rely on anybody and that's why eights and threes can look a lot alike. It's why a lot of eights are mistyped when they're actually threes.

But they seek autonomy by being in control. So some of the challenges that these three types face are super impulsive. So we can blow shit up. We really, really can. We can leave a lot of wreckage behind us. We struggle sometimes to connect to our emotions and the emotions of others. So although we make things happen, we lose credibility and trust sometimes by our impulsive action. Especially if we are rocking the boat for somebody that needs certainty or one of the other types that are big feelers and empathetic or empaths, we can really lose credibility and trust with them.

The other things that the assertive and aggressive stances, the challenges that they face is the wanting to control, wanting control and things being done their way. They can become very rigid. We have a hard time sometimes reframing negative situations or outcomes without taking time to process. So instead of taking the time to feel a loss or feel, you know, what didn't work, we don't take the time to process and we can just bounce onto the next thing or throw walls up. And so when we, when we don't feel our things, this falls, this goes true for any of the types. If we don't take the time to feel all the things and process the things, it's just a matter of time before it all pops back up again. Like, that's not healing, it's not acceptance. That's not, you know, the grieving process. We have to feel all the feelings. So how those of you that are in the assertive or aggressive types, or if you love or lead, the assertive types can help tap into the feeling center. So this is true. I often used to say, like feeling shit doesn't feel very productive, right? Because we are just like, let's take action, let's take action. Feeling isn't going to solve anything. I mean, I was raised that way. I was raised to, I was told that.

And it's actually false. So I've had to reframe my own belief system on this as well. And it's not easy because I'm not naturally a go to feeler because they're seen as counterproductive. A lot of times it doesn't feel efficient. But three sevens and eights, you may want to try to look at it this way, or if you love one of us, bringing attention to the feeling center will help them strive for things that actually matter. Like you have to Give a fuck about something, right? And so that allows me to slow down when I want to avoid feeling. I'll ask myself a lot of times, okay, what am I really afraid of here? And you know, I'll try and bully myself out of feeling it, but the more that I really pause and slow down for a second and really find out what it is I'm afraid of, usually something that I feel very strongly about is hiding underneath that.

These three types also, and this is the dark side, before you start comparing yourself to these action takers, these three types are especially prone to burnout. Like hardcore. Their health suffers, their relationships suffer. You know, I'm a true testament of this. Three and a half years ago when I was in the middle of a health crisis, A lot of it having to do with burnout and not feeling the things. I looked around and I had nobody around me. And that was completely self inflicted. And I set it up that way. And you know, I'm sure if you were faced with your last few weeks left on earth, you would want to spend it with the people that mattered most. And when I was kind of faced with that and realized I had nobody around me and that I did it to myself, I vowed to change it. And honestly, it's how I came to really. I've been studying the Enneagram and integrating it for almost a decade, but it was only three and a half years ago that I started bringing it out in the open to all of you because I saw the power in understanding this very thing. So if you're in this type, taking the time to check in with what is, what is really going on.

It will help you put things in perspective. So some of the things that will benefit the assertive and aggressive types are vision boarding. And you know, because vision boarding is okay for these three types, especially because they're big action takers, where some of you that aren't big action takers, vision boarding actually holds you back. Quite honestly, journaling and getting some of this out of us is really important as an assertive type because this allows us to keep active while also turning on our emotional center. I don't normally recommend vision boarding a lot of the time to anybody outside of this because I think it holds others back. But these three types, it's really important because we want the threes, the sevens and the eights to feel more right. We want to turn on their emotional center, stream of consciousness. Journaling especially is a valuable technique to flesh out the repressed emotions where you set a timer for a few minutes and do not pick up your pen or lift your fingers off the keyboard until it goes off. By tapping into different aspects, this can help flesh out emotional blockages. And a lot of times I do this for myself. I don't do the whole journal prompting kind of thing. That does not work for me and, or any of these types, quite honestly, because it feels too restrictive and it feels like you're caging these three types. And that's a big no no for the threes, the sevens, and the eights. But often I will ask the little girl that lives inside of me, that inner child in me, what she's feeling. And that's what my journaling looks like. It's pretty much love letters back and forth between me and that little girl in me who has learned not to feel so much because she got hurt so much, or she. She was taught that that's what weak girls do. So that is one of the things. If you either are in the assertive type or love somebody or lead somebody in the assertive type, sometimes you got to slow us down to feel so that we can speed back up without the burnout. So you can see how understanding the stances can be something that's, that's really, really important when you know what is driving your bus. Leaning into that strength will have you stay out of comparing yourself to someone else and also leaning into your own superpowers. You might have heard me say this before. Like, each type has their superpower, and when it's coming from a place of love, compassion, empathy, grace and service, it's a beautiful thing. And that same superpower actually becomes our biggest struggle. So like, for me, my intensity is my biggest superpower. Makes people feel safe, protected, empowered. But when that comes from fear, insecurity, anxiety, unworthiness, guilt, shame, ego, that same intensity can become a wrecking ball. Right? So it's really, really important that you understand your superpowers because it can be tricky. Because when we are under stress and we are coming from those not so healthy places, it can do the opposite of what we desire for our hearts. So knowing what this is for you and how you find harmony within this is knowing when you need to step on the gas hard and also when to throttle it back a bit. It is a dance that you can learn and it isn't hard, especially when you allow yourself to check into your most repressed center.

It's important to understand this so you can avoid the self sabotage and the shame and the burnout and so that you can find significance and certainty and truth. And authenticity and justice and success and passion, purpose, profits. And this is where legacy is left, I promise you. And this is the secret sauce to setting your intentions and crushing them for sure. So I know that this probably helps some of you really narrow down your type. For those of you that aren't sure what your type is, looking at the stances will really, really help you do that. And also understanding what is your most repressed center and what you need to lean into more will help you step into your superpowers and really become bulletproof. It really is amazing. So for me, knowing that I am a more assertive stance and that I have a harder time with the feeling part, especially when I'm feeling anxious, even if it's so underneath the surface or so subconscious, my body can tell me when I'm under stress. So when I woke up at the beginning of the year feeling blue, it was my resistance to feeling. Instead of going into doing, doing, doing, I allowed myself to feel the things. And you know what happens when we tap into that repressed part of ourselves is we move through it faster. Instead of just kicking the can down the street, thinking we're avoiding it and we're going to catch up to it eventually, you might as well lean in, lean into it and know that on the other side of it, you're going to see things a lot more clearly. So I hope this helped you. I want to know what else you want to learn about the Enneagram. You've heard me say before, it is not complicated, but it is super complex. I could talk for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours about it and love to bring you more and more information, more that help you understand this soul roadmap for you. So let me know what touched for you today, what landed on your heart. Give this a screenshot and share it with me so we can talk more about it and I can help you along in your journey. And if you know you want to dive in deeper and go next level in using this amazing tool, you can shoot me a DM on Instagram at tracey_o'. Malley. We can chat about what that looks like or you can just go right to my website, traceyomally.com, go to the work with me section and find the option that works best for you and we will start walking this journey together. I am telling you right now, this has been the greatest tool to keep me not only on track to have success in all my businesses, but also to really have some of the best relationships I've ever had, not just with my friendships and my business partners, but with my children and everybody that I come in contact with I can communicate with because of this powerful tool. So if you want to start using this today and you want a guide to take you there, I am your girl and I would be honored to take this journey with you. So go to Tracy O' Malley.com the work with me section and we will get started started as soon as possible. And until next time y', all, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

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